My Custom Van: And 52 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

by Michael Ian Black

Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consciousness like a red-hot branding iron? Without question. Comedian and basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black unleashes the full fury of his astonishing intellect in this collection of short comic essays. My Custom Van is a no-holds-barred assault to the funny bone that will literally beat you into submission with hilarity*. How did he do it? How did he create such a fine anthology? With love. Michael opened his heart and used the magical power of love to write more than fifty thought-provoking essays like, "Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow," and "An Open Letter to the Hair Stylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade." Maybe you think love is not a substitute for "good writing skills" and "spell check." Bull pucky! When it comes to writing books, love is the most powerful word processor of all. Sounds pretty great, right? And yet...something is still holding you back from paying the full purchase price of this book. What is it? Perhaps you secretly believe you do not deserve a book this good. Nonsense -- you deserve this book and so much more. In fact, if Michael could have written you all the stars in the sky, that's what he would have done. But he couldn't do that, due to his lack of knowledge in the area of astronomy. So he wrote this book instead. And this flap copy. Enjoy. * Michael Ian Black is not responsible for any actual injuries caused by reading this book.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Essays, Comedy, Memoir, Short Stories, Biography

241 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Michael Ian Black is a popular comedian who began his career with "The State," a sketch comedy troupe he co-founded at New York University in 1988, which went on to have a successful run on MTV. He then co-created the Comedy Central television series "Viva Variety," a fake European variety show.

From there, he appeared on several television shows before landing the role of Phil Stubbs, the quirky bowling alley manager on NBC's "Ed," which ran for almost four seasons. His next project was "Stella," a television show he co-created with Michael Showalter and David Wain, which ran on Comedy Central. Black has appeared in several films and is a popular contributor to VH1's "I Love the..." series.

In 2005, he wrote and directed his first film, "Wedding Daze," which starred Jason Biggs and Isla Fisher. His screenplay "Run Fat Boy Run," starring Simon Pegg and Thandie Newton, came out in 2007. Black is also a stand-up comedian, who regularly tours the country. His first album of stand-up comedy, "I Am a Wonderful Man," was released in 2007, and his first book of humorous essays, My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face) came out in 2008. His first children's book, Chicken Cheeks was released in January, 2009. His latest project is "Michael and Michael Have Issues," a comedy series premiering in July 2009 on Comedy Central. Black is married and has two children.

Reviews

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought my husband this book for Father's Day and of course I read it before I gave it to him... It was really funny and a great gift! Everyone will find it enjoyable and humorous :) There are some people who may not really appreciate Michael Ian Black's humor though, and those people are Christians, practicing or not practicing, people who are easily offended, and possibly people who are not easily offended but are open to being offended, people who are either for or against abortion, people who do not care for humor involving fetuses and/or beer, people who don't like the f-word and the like, women, the elderly, people with pets, people without pets, and also Americans. For everyone else, please don't hesitate to pick up a copy of Michael's funny little book!

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Michael Ian Black is a guy I know mostly from Sierra Mist commercials and his little quips on VH1's "I Love Pretty Much Everything" shows.

So why on earth did I buy his book? Remainder catalogue, baby.

Overall, this is a pretty good collection of comic essays. In fact, it's sharper and funnier than some I've read by more established (and wealthier) comedians. Just reading the table of contents was enough to provoke a smile. You probably don't even need to read the actual essays. The titles and a good imagination are enough to set you dreaming...

What Would I Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel Driving to a Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going to Be a Piano

Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life

Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow

Yeah. That's one you don't hear everyday.

And if you do decide to read more than the titles, here's a little taste of what you can expect...

From I No Longer Love You, Magic Unicorn

Then there is the small matter of the rent. When we moved out of my parents' house, we agreed that you would pay a small portion of the rent. Obviously you are a unicorn and so you cannot be expected to hold down a job. On the other hand, you are magic, and so getting money should not be a problem for you. I can't help but notice that whenever the rent is due, you plead poverty, and yet you always seem to have enough money for new ribbons for your horn and bows for your tail.

From When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like

I would like to emphasize that my robot is going to be a "man." Gender is important here because everybody knows that female robots are sex robots. While I have nothing against sex robots per se, I am not going to build one, because if I were going to have sex with something I built, that would be a little like incest, and for the most part, I am against incest. If I do decide to obtain a sex robot one day, I will wait to purchase it until they are both widely available and the stigma of owning one has worn off. Then I will purchase two.

From Instructions for the Cleaning Lady

Now I know there is a tremendous amount of pet dander everywhere. I apologize for that. You would think a fellow who doesn't own any pets wouldn't have this problem. All I can say is, sorry. Just vacuum up the cat hair and dispose of it. Please save all the dog hair.

Black has a certain whininess that should get on my nerves but somehow doesn't. In fact he kind of makes me want to whine right along with him. I'm pretty sure he was picked on in school. And he should probably have a hug.

[Angela · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hesiated giving this book one star, fearing that some imaginary reader would see this review and snort derisively: "She's such a prude." And I'm not. And least, I don't think I am.

Much.

Point is, I don't think of myself as particularly uptight about a lot of things. I may have been known to use a four-letter word or two (or two hundred...) in my life. I'm all for open-mindedness. It takes a quite a bit to offend me.

And I wasn't OFFENDED by the book--I was ANNOYED. It wasn't the constant use of foul language. It wasn't even the fixation--the seemingly prepubescent fascination--with all things sex related. I was flat-out annoyed by how unfunny it was. I tried imagining Black reading the essays in his trademark dry tone; didn't help. Every now and then, there'd be a gem of an essay, enough to make me plug along to the next one. Damn you, rare gems, because it they so weren't worth the pain of the rest of the book.

So label me a prude if you must. I think you'd be mistaken. I think I just like my humor to be... you know... humorous.

[Doug · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was funny, but I did not experience my mind blowing all over my face as was promised by the cover. I think Black tries a little too hard in some of the 'essays'. If someone gives this to you as a gift, read and enjoy, but you don't necessarily need to purchase your own copy.

[Carl · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first started this book, I had some trouble getting into it. I could only read 2 or 3 of the 4-page humorous essays at a time. But as the pages were turned, something clicked, and I couldn't read more than a few sentences without cracking a smile. And I couldn't read more than a page without laughing out loud (and I couldn't do this without feeling ashamed on a very real level, especially while riding the subway). To test whether this was material that only I could find funny, I had my mom read "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Approaching People More Famous Than You". Well, long story short, she laughed until it hurt, which didn't take long because she recently had surgery. When I asked which part she liked best, she pointed me to the following paragraph:

"Pay [a celebrity] a compliment, but don't kiss their ass. For example, one time I saw Cameron Diaz at a party and told her I thought she was pretty funny for a girl. She was very flattered because she understood that I respected her enough to not insult her intelligence by saying she was a funny as a man. Long story short: I banged her."

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a pretty funny book, but I found that I had to read the essays in shifts. I really enjoyed - sometimes really laughed at - his observations, but I just couldn't read more than a few essays in one sitting without losing a little appreciation for the humor. It's not even that the humor is so much repetitive; it's more that (for the most part) each piece is a work unto itself that has nothing to do with what came before or after it. I think that it might be the really absurdist nature of the individual pieces that made me have to pace myself. Whatever the reason, I found that I enjoyed the book a great deal more when I read a few at a time.

[Antisocialite · Rating 4 out of 5]

It would seem that I am Michael Ian Black's target audience -- between the reference to The Yiddish Policeman's Union and an entire essay dedicated to David Sedaris (and why he should just go ahead and suck it), it is clear that he and I are meant to be together. For ever and always.

Call me, Michael, and I will answer "Ahoy," as a sign to you that I did, in fact, read your book. I did not, however, buy it, but there's no reason to bring commerce into this.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been a huge Michael Ian Black fan for a while (minus that weird show he did with those two other guys on VH1). This book does not disappoint if you like complete nonsense humor delivered with unwavering seriousness. For me this was a much-needed, easy breath of fresh air in between One Hundred Years of Solitude and The Feminine Mystique.

[Leenda dela Luna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought it was boring.
But I wonder if it's like my reaction to David Sedaris. I can't stand reading David Sedaris' books. But I love hearing him read his books. This might be the same.

[Christina M Rau · Rating 3 out of 5]

Because he's a really big celebrity, I'm talkin' huge, Michael Ian Black wrote a book. Because he's like the hugest celebrity, I'm talkin' humongous, a real publishing company published his book. Because he's the most needed, wanted, loved celebrity in all the land, space, and time, his books is in high demand--long wait at the library and everything.

Two points here.

1. Michael Ian Black is a celebrity because he constantly points it out in his book. In that ironic sarcastic kind of way. That makes him a good writer, a funny guy, but also a celebrity because he points out that he is one. Honestly, I never watched Ed. I know MIB from all the VH1 I Love The.... shows. Hey, MIB. Men In Black. Coincidence? Yes.

2. MIB (the comedic writer and actor, not the alien hunters) got his book published because he has this Hollywood clout, no matter how big or small it really is. I say that not because his book was bad--in fact, his book is hil. air. eee. us. I say that because his book is like no book ever written and would not have been published if he were not already an established comedian, in whatever capacity of establishment he actually has.

The book is entitled My Custom Van And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face. See? That right there would not be put on a shelf if it weren't for his celebritydom. Even so, what's inside is not what the title describes. Essays? Hmmm, not really.

He's got several series of letters. Some are to a squirrel, some are to a girl he got it on with, and some are to Celine Dion's husband. He also has a list of DJ names that he's considering for himself. Honestly, for that one, I think the editor and publisher stepped in and were like, give this list some context, and he threw together this half-ass reason that he's considering DJ names because we all have to have one by the year 2080 or something. I would have rather read simply the list without the context.

He also has some persona sketches. One is an invitation to a guy's fuckin taco party that will serve every fuckin kind of fuckin taco in history along with every fuckin kind of fuckin taco condifuckinment available. That was the piece that made me call Z and PoeticGoddess and tell them that they had to read this book. I read them a little bit. It was awesome.

I don't know if people who don't know Michael Ian Black's acting work would enjoy his book. While I was reading, I heard his voice, his comedic timing. I know his pauses and intonations. I am making myself out to be a Michael Ian Black expert. Perhaps, I am. Actually, no, I can't be. An expert would have to see him in Ed and I don't plan on wasting my Netflix on that show. Still, I've seen enough of MIB to know what his comedy is like. The book is an extension of that. Extensions are sometimes hard to understand without knowing where they're extending from.

So if you've seen him on VH1 or on Ed or you want to read about fuckin tacos, you can buy the book for 23 U. S. dollars. Or buy it on Amazon for 16 U. S. dollars plus shipping unless you buy other stuff and qualify for supersaver shipping but don't do that unless you actually need to buy other stuff. Or you can borrow it from the library. It was a long wait, but that only proves how popular a celebrity Michael Ian Black really is. That and the fact that only about two or three libraries actually have the book.

Also, I use it occasionally in my composition I class, and the students kind of dig it.

[Brendan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been a fan of MIB ever since his days on MTV's The State. I enjoyed Vive La Variety and his runs on I Love the.... I loved the television show Stella. So I had high expectations for My Custom Van. As with much comedy writing, it was funny, but not as funny as I wanted it to be. For some reason, the essay form often doesn't make me laugh as much as I hope or think it should. I enjoy David Sedaris and laugh at his audiobooks, but I rarely laugh at the print versions of his books.

My Custom Van has a series of short essays (most are two to four pages) on a wide variety of subjects. Many have the same riff quality that MIB's segments on I Love the... do; only instead of making fun of Rubik's cube enthusiasts, he's riffing on a concept he came up with himself. One of his repeated jokes takes the form of "question? Answer: funny quip." Is it effective? Mind-blowingly.

Here are bits or comments on a few of the essays that I particularly liked:

* The forward by Abraham Lincoln is pretty funny. Lincoln likes the dry humor.
* "...we can expect David Sedaris to continue puttering through his quiet life, trolling Parisian cafes and bookstores, jotting down the occasional bon mot for his adoring American public. All of it so idyllic, so comfortably bohemian. So fucking perfect. Which is why I say: Hey, David Sedaris-- why don't you just go ahead and suck it?" (27-8)
* I am sad to say that Black's essay, "A College Application Essay to Harvard That Might Have Been Written by a High School Senior Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted" meets the requirements of Poe's law.
* From "When I Finally Get Around to Building My Robot, This Is What It Will Be Like," Black writes, "My general rule of thumb regarding fudge is this: keep it handy. What could be more handy than a robot with a built-in fudge drawer? Realistic birdcalls? I think so. Let's put it this way: there's no downside to giving my robot the ability to create highly realistic birdcalls." (89)
* He's got a pretty funny pair of essays imagining a half-time pep talk from two coaches, with bad self-esteem: one who's winning and one who's losing the game.
* I particularly like his rebuttal to Lewis Black's routine on candy corn. "Candy corn does not taste like it was made out of oil. It tastes like it was made out of magic. That's how delicious candy corn is. If magic had a taste, it would be the sweet, slightly buttery taste of candy corn--as would rainbows, if they had a taste." (138)

Worth reading, if you enjoy MIB in his I Love the... form. His mix of sarcasm and creepiness comes out in the book very well.

[Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed out loud numerous times while reading this book, but ultimately have to agree with all the people who've said that the humor starts seeming repetitious after a while. Still, there aren't too many books of humor that are actually humorous, hence the four star rating. Here's the first paragraph from one of my favorites, "An Open Letter to the Hairstylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade":

***
Dear Geoffrey of Geoffrey's Hair Creations,

You son of a bitch. I didn't have the nerve to call you that when I was twelve, but now I am a man so let me say it loud and clear: you, sir, are a son of a bitch.
***

He also has a blog that gives you a good idea of what to expect from the book:

http://michaelianblack.typepad.com/

Check it out and see what you think... I walked by him on the moving walkway-thingie at the Minneapolis Airport once, and I've regretted to this day not stopping him, aggressively shaking his hand, and saying, "You, sir, are a funny man."

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was gonna give it one star as a joke, but I just couldn't. This collection of essays by Black brought a smile, and some big laughs to my face. He sure isn't politically correct. He sure isn't clean. He's hilarious as hell. Some of my favorites include: the unicorn break-up, his joining a jug band, some of his erotic fiction, and the drawbacks of getting a perm at the age of 12. I also learned a lot about how to party from this book. Thank you Michael Ian Black. You so richly deserve that important book award for this very important book.

[Brett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Michael Ian Black (very famous) is funny. We all know that. He can write funny too, although there are a few essays in here that make you think, "What the heck is he talking about?". But that's M.I.B. If you've ever read his stuff on the McSweeney's website, there are a couple of rehashes in here (like the great Billy Joel piece). But they are funny, for sure. Take that, David Spedaris, living in France, thinking you're so cool!

[Anna Flahart · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is a weird book in that parts of it made me want to vomit, like the dog shit essay, parts of it were just genuinely funny like the infinite monkey probability essay, and parts of it touched my heart in a weird sort of way like the jug band essay or the scented candle shoppe essay. yeah, i am that weird. i think he resorted to some low humor, but that was the point. this definitely wasn't all the things i had expected from this book and that was a nice surprise.

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although its definetly not going to win a Pulitzer Prize or anything this book will make you laugh out loud. How could you not laugh when reading letters to a "not that cute" squirrel, the results of an experiment involving typing monkeys, and a tragic goodbye to a magic unicorn. When your finished reading it come on over for a taco party. I'll bring the Kentucky sparklers.

[Sean Kegler · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are a fan of Michael Ian Black's sketch comedy you will love My Custom Van. Each essay can be visualized while reading as some crazy scene from The State or Stella. I loved this book and I laughed out loud on more than one occassion and even annoyed my girlfriend while reading passages to her as she tried to cook.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favorite book read this year- although apparently is is 7 years old! I particularly liked the essay "How I might address my players at halftime if I were a self-loathing football coach in a game where we were losing 49-3."

[Kirsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very funny book. I laughed frequently. He is bizarre, and not afraid of profanity. We are soulmates.

[Virginia · Rating 2 out of 5]

The only thing mind-blowing about these essays is the way it rather makes you want to blow your brains out while reading it. Sadly unfunny.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not as funny as most of his McSweeney's submissions.

[Stephanie Molnar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of these jokes haven't aged well but, as this was written in 2008 and it is now 2022, I shouldn't hold that against it.

[Barbara · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one of those I would put between 3 and 4 stars. Because I liked it a little more than 3, but not quite as full as four. I probably overinflate my rankings on goodreads anyway. First of all, I really, really wanted to like this more. I love his I love the clips, particularly the George Michael one, but they're all good. And I loved Wet Hot American Summer and the State. So, am a fan. But, I just didn't like this as much as I wanted to. Some of them were really funny, like the 50 New Year's Resolutions and the Billy Joel one and My Custom Van. But, I didn't really laugh out loud a lot. More was a quiet chuckle. And it might've helped to hear it in the audio book. But, something was missing for me here. May try his other books, but on the whole, didn't like as much as I was hoping I would. Maybe, my age too? And some of the more saltier essays were cut out of the book. I got it used from the library book sale. Kinda irked me. Some worked, but they were less consistent than I hoped. I will give his other books a shot cause I generally like him. But, not as consistently funny as I was hoping. Alas.

[Michael Emond · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are 50 essays in this book from the sarcastic and absurd comic mind of Michael Ian Black and while not all of them are winners there are enough hits for me to say I enjoyed this book. It is probably more of a 3.5 star than four but I was generous because even the topics that miss are very creative. I loved the back to back essays about the halftime speech of a coach with low-self esteem who is a) losing 48-3 and then b) winning 48-3. Some of the two best essays are ones where Michael is having a one sided letter correspondence with people (like the gal he first fingered). And the my fav was his speech to the guy who backed him on his plan to make low calorie beer that tastes like ass. As I said, there are many that didn't get a laugh out of me but they were all creative and my type of absurd humour. And while a few were on the dirty side they were more dirty in a naughty way as opposed to a filthy way. I look forward to reading more books by this comic genius.

[Molly · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5. I enjoyed Michael Ian Black's memoir more than this collection of essays. I read two essay books back-to-back and I think I've realized I am just not a huge fan of essays. There were several times I LOL'ed at this book, but other times I was just ready to be done with it. I'm happy I finished this book, and although I won't be recommending it to peers, I think it was time well-wasted. Some of my favorites essays included:

- Erotic Fiction: The Elevator
- Why I've Decided to Go Blonde
- Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem
- In Conclusion: A First Draft of the Acceptance Speech I Plan to Give Upon Receiving Some Kind of Important Literary Prize for Writing This Book

Michael Ian Black's humor is in alignment with my own; Essays are just not my cup of team.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm working my way through all of Black's books, and so far, his written style is very similar to his style on screen.

It's not my favorite style of humor, but it is enjoyable, and kept me on my toes. Like other people said, it got a bit repetitive after a bit, but since the anthology was short it wasn't too bad. I've felt the same way with some of his other works, so it might just be the style.

While I generally liked this compilation, I probably wouldn't read it again, so I'm interested to see how his writing changes through future publications. I probably wouldn't recommend this to non-MIB fans, or if they were, they'd have to be deep into the comedy scene.

[Alfajirikali · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some great vignettes! My favorites were: "What I Would Be Thinking If I Were Billy Joel...", "A Series of Letters to a Squirrel", "Join our Club", A College Application Essay to Harvard...Who Has Absolutely No Chance of Getting Accepted", Erotic Fiction: The Elevator", "Using the Socratic Method to Determine What It Would Take for Me to Voluntarily Eat Dog Shit for the Rest of My Life", "Testing the Infinite Monkey Probability Theorem", and many more. Most of the stories appeal to appreciators of dorky humor, though some are also incorporate a certain amount of mean-spirited humor.

[Maggie Wiggins · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love MIB in almost everything I see him in. Wet Hot American Summer, Stella, and even Sierra Mist commercials. I know he's a funny writer, but I think maybe he should stick to writing funny scripts. Each one of these essays seemed to adhere to some sort of unseen flash-fiction rule. I estimate them to be about 1000 words each, which make the essays feel either too short or too long; I can't decide which. The endings felt rushed and tended to wrap up the same way each time. Bummer.

Readalikes: Essays by David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs, Jonathan Ames, Laurie Notaro, Cynthia Kaplan

[Calley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think MIB is hilarious, all the time. His over the top attitude towards celebrity always makes me laugh. This book, written in short essays, plays on the absurd and overdramatic characterizations of people who wouldn't normally write an essay, as in, a douchey guy throwing a killer Taco Party, middle-aged guys with secret clubs, and the unabashedly amazing persona of himself as celebrity.
They are almost believable until he sneaks in something like, a clown gets killed. The subtlety is great and I hope to hear more from MIB soon.

[Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

My top ten favs:

10. Maximus Beer
9. DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!
8. How I Might Address My Players at Halftime If I Were a Self-Loathing High School Football Coach in a Game Where We Were Winning 49-3
7. My Custom Van
6. Good Skiing Form
5. A Suicide Note
4. A Series of Letters to the First Girl I Ever Fingered
3. Taco Party
2. Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow
1. This is How I Party