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The Good Listener
The Good Listener [Paperback] [Aug 01, 2000] James E. Sullivan
96 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2000
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95 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
February 5, 2018
James Sullivan is a really bad writer, but he has a lot of good wisdom to share. He has spent a lot of time as a Catholic priest, so much of his career has been built on empathy and listening. The thesis of the book is simple: the root of most personal problems is self-esteem, and listening well is one of the highest, sincerest compliments that can be paid to one's self esteem and bad listening one of the worst insults. I've never though about listening this way, but I think it rings true.
I really liked two chapters. "The Ways We Listen Poorly" lists the five main ways that people fail to be good listeners. I particularly liked this chapter, because it gave me time to reflect on what bad listening habits I've built up in my own life. I'm also one of those people that believes that once you give a name to some feeling or habit, it becomes much easier to have power over it.
The next chapter I really liked was "The Steps to Good Listening." Here, Sullivan really nails the qualities of the best listeners I have had in my life. "Sensing your deepest feelings" , as Sullivan puts it, is the ability to see beyond a single complaint and get at what is really bothering someone the most. This chapter made me excited to work on these things in my every day life.
Really though, if you are going to read this book, those two chapters are all you need to read. The anecdotes Sullivan tells are decent, but the hypothetical situations made my eyes roll far into the back of my head. It also appears that Sullivan attended the Donald Trump School of How Often to Use Exclamation Points! He also goes extensively into the psychosomatic effects of not being listened to, and how that can translate into real, physical ills. Not that this isn't plausible, but there is no evidence behind this. In fact, a lot of the claims in this book are unsubstantiated and more rooted in intuition and feeling.
Overall this was a quick read with some nice little moments, but even at its current length I had a hard time finishing it.
I really liked two chapters. "The Ways We Listen Poorly" lists the five main ways that people fail to be good listeners. I particularly liked this chapter, because it gave me time to reflect on what bad listening habits I've built up in my own life. I'm also one of those people that believes that once you give a name to some feeling or habit, it becomes much easier to have power over it.
The next chapter I really liked was "The Steps to Good Listening." Here, Sullivan really nails the qualities of the best listeners I have had in my life. "Sensing your deepest feelings" , as Sullivan puts it, is the ability to see beyond a single complaint and get at what is really bothering someone the most. This chapter made me excited to work on these things in my every day life.
Really though, if you are going to read this book, those two chapters are all you need to read. The anecdotes Sullivan tells are decent, but the hypothetical situations made my eyes roll far into the back of my head. It also appears that Sullivan attended the Donald Trump School of How Often to Use Exclamation Points! He also goes extensively into the psychosomatic effects of not being listened to, and how that can translate into real, physical ills. Not that this isn't plausible, but there is no evidence behind this. In fact, a lot of the claims in this book are unsubstantiated and more rooted in intuition and feeling.
Overall this was a quick read with some nice little moments, but even at its current length I had a hard time finishing it.
August 29, 2018
If you have any emotional intelligence at all this book won't help you. If you're lacking in this area then read this book.
July 16, 2023
Father Sullivan makes it easy to read and understand the power and importance of listening and the way to do so, with helpful practical questions at the end of each chapter.
October 4, 2016
This little book, in its gentle and encouraging style, has helped me to be a better listener to others as well as myself. I highly recommend it. Thank you, Father James Sullivan. May I continue to apply its lessons more and more in my life!
February 22, 2019
3.5/5
It’s extremely rare to find such a person who can listen to you the way it’s described in this book. However, you can be that person. Be the change you want to see in this world. Be that good listener.
It does sound like a cliche, but this phrase actually touched me:
“I just know that, more than anything else, I want to be a good listener from now on. I want to be a healer.” -p125
I absolutely enjoyed my experience reading this book. Good listening is an art that is hard to master, but from now on, I’ll try to listen carefully and attentively to others. Zero judgments.
Highlights:
“They recognized that it was unfair to blame themselves for feelings that they couldn't help having.” -p7
“The truth is that our need to be heard and understood is a powerful, relentless hunger. It never diminishes. It never goes away.” -p12
“"That's what you are to me," he said. "You are my 'hiding place.'" Any one of us who has found such a "hiding place" for our own powerful feelings knows what a deep comfort that is.” -p18
“It's so easy for us just to go along this way, like two railroad tracks, mile after mile, never crossing over, always keeping a "safe" distance between us.” -p22
“I push love away from me, love that I’m craving but feel I don’t deserve.” -p64
“Loneliness, in his eyes, was something shameful, so he had to deny it” -p82
“He did all the right things and he did them beautifully.” -p91
“We may be present to each other physically, but in our thoughts and feelings, we are as much alone, as if we were in separate, dark dungeon cells— as if we were each in solitary confinement.” -p93
It’s extremely rare to find such a person who can listen to you the way it’s described in this book. However, you can be that person. Be the change you want to see in this world. Be that good listener.
It does sound like a cliche, but this phrase actually touched me:
“I just know that, more than anything else, I want to be a good listener from now on. I want to be a healer.” -p125
I absolutely enjoyed my experience reading this book. Good listening is an art that is hard to master, but from now on, I’ll try to listen carefully and attentively to others. Zero judgments.
Highlights:
“They recognized that it was unfair to blame themselves for feelings that they couldn't help having.” -p7
“The truth is that our need to be heard and understood is a powerful, relentless hunger. It never diminishes. It never goes away.” -p12
“"That's what you are to me," he said. "You are my 'hiding place.'" Any one of us who has found such a "hiding place" for our own powerful feelings knows what a deep comfort that is.” -p18
“It's so easy for us just to go along this way, like two railroad tracks, mile after mile, never crossing over, always keeping a "safe" distance between us.” -p22
“I push love away from me, love that I’m craving but feel I don’t deserve.” -p64
“Loneliness, in his eyes, was something shameful, so he had to deny it” -p82
“He did all the right things and he did them beautifully.” -p91
“We may be present to each other physically, but in our thoughts and feelings, we are as much alone, as if we were in separate, dark dungeon cells— as if we were each in solitary confinement.” -p93
August 8, 2018
The themes contained within this book are impactful. As a reader, I found myself thinking of individuals who exemplified the empathetic listening Sullivan articulates and gaining a better understanding of why I felt “heard” by them. His distinction between different types of guilt—neurotic versus actual guilt—is one which I hope sticks with me.
Stylistically this work is simple and a bit repetitious at times. However, given the subject matter, I don’t feel that this is a deterrent. In fact, it forced me as a reader to ask whether I was truly listening to Sullivan’s words or assuming that I already understood.
I’d recommend this book as a great first step to those interested in becoming a better listener, particularly those who desire this skill for relational Christian ministry.
Stylistically this work is simple and a bit repetitious at times. However, given the subject matter, I don’t feel that this is a deterrent. In fact, it forced me as a reader to ask whether I was truly listening to Sullivan’s words or assuming that I already understood.
I’d recommend this book as a great first step to those interested in becoming a better listener, particularly those who desire this skill for relational Christian ministry.
November 27, 2017
This is a must read book for anyone in ministry, in fact, it is a must-read book for anyone who are in relationships with others -- that means everyone. It points out how our poor listening hurts others, often unintentionally. It also gives some suggestions how we can improve our listening and how we can share so the other will understand us better. It is short and easy to read but oh so powerful.
November 18, 2019
Beautifully written book about the importance of pressing into the art of listening. Great for all people who want to become better listeners while seeking through their own issues and strongholds. It has this ability to breathe throughout the book but still challenging the reader to want to become a better listener for their friends, family, and those they are helping council/ disciple.
October 4, 2021
A MUST read for anyone in a relationship.
February 2, 2022
Very simple style, but very helpful and practical tips for honing in on communication skills and the power of listening
April 29, 2024
Fine concepts but it’s been said better in other places.
April 20, 2022
There are definitely a few good nuggets of info in here but I didn't connect well with this book. I can't quite put my finger on what exactly was off. The best I can figure is that it was the writing style and the layout. While you can tell the author is passionate about the topic, and the book has given me more awareness of my own listening practices, in the future I will seek out books that present this type of information in a more engaging and encouraging manner.
December 8, 2014
This is a very good book for people who are wanting a very approachable introduction to the act of listening and how the act of listening can often go wrong. As a person who has done a lot of work with listening I was familiar with the information the author presented. This is a very quick and easy read.
September 12, 2011
A very good book! Who doesn't need help in being a better listening. This is a book I should be reading over and over again!
June 14, 2012
I always like to talk. This book taught his to listern someone attentionally. Specially in this ministry that I'm involve now (Alpha Course). Very nice book!!!
February 18, 2013
I really love this book!
May 2, 2015
This is an excellent book on the art of listening and the art of communicating what you want others to know and understand.
January 2, 2017
Good information and insight but not quite what I was looking for. I need more "how" and less "why."
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews