On the Outskirts of Normal: Forging a Family Against the Grain

Crux: The Georgia Series in Literary Nonfiction

by Debra Monroe

"Having driven across the country to see her brand new adopted granddaughter, Debra Monroe's mother says the first thing that comes into her `I knew she's be black, but not this black.' Monroe simply says `Mon, there's a blank in the baby book called Grandma's First Words.' The sly, dry humor of this, the offering of the second chance, the reminder that everything, even the mistakes, will be written down---tells you most of what you need to know about Monroes approach to life, and to memoir. Her generosity of spirit never fails her." Marion Winik, author of First Comes Love

"Sometimes the barren years bloom, flourishing atop old scar tissue. This is the premise of Debra Monroe's extraordinarily poignant, powerfully written memoir of her journey into strength and unlikely motherhood with its unexpected joys, gathering along the way the brave yet painful knowledge of what love costs. Monroe is an unflinching commentator on self as well as society, a myth-buster as well as a trailblazer, and I suspect the significance of the book will grow in value, become a cultural benchmark, in the decades ahead of us." Bob Shacochis

National Book Award-winning author of Easy in the Islands and A Gastronomic Interpretation of Love

"On the Outskirts of Normal is a modern story for modern times with a generous dose of old-fashioned values at its core. The adoption of a beautiful black baby girl by a white single woman shouldn't still be news in today's America, but it is, perhaps especially so in a small Texas town. Told in a voice that is feisty, wise, unsentimental, humorous, candid, and consoling, Debra Monroe's memoir will entrance its readers, as she struggles to create a whole new conversation about the true meaning of family. This book is both a literary triumph and a triumph of the heart." Madeleine Blais

Pulitzer Prize winner and author of In These Girls, Hope Is a Muscle

"Compelling, full of pain and honesty, On the Outskirts of Normal wrestles with the messiness of the search for insight in the wake of incessant trouble. Debra Monroe approaches the subject of race, always fraught with landmines, with humor and humility. Full of stylish shifts and comic, edgy, observations, Monroe's story reveals much about parents who are present and parents who are absent, about good and bad caregiving, and about the stability of the places we call home."---David Haynes, author of The Full Matilda

"The high-velocity verve and gripping insight of Debra Monroe's story is matched by the level of her compassion---anyone who cares this much about getting a little girl's hair just right is a truly endearing person. Flaws and question marks, local places, very particular people, wit and weariness and astonishment at the myriad ways a life unfolds---all invite readers not only to the comfortable `outskirts of normal' but to the genuine heart of it all."---Naomi Shihab Nye, author of You and Yours

"Debra Monroe's immensely appealing memoir forges not only her charming `family against the grain,' but a remarkable canniness about motherhood and its twin perils, grief and love." Karen Brennan, author of Being with Rachel

"Any narrator who repels an intruding raccoon by pelting it with poems has my attention. Debra Monroe has written a wise, unsparing testament to the fierceness and fragility of love."---Michael Perry, author of A Year of Poultry, Pigs and Parenting

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Adoption, Womens, Book Club, Unfinished

232 pages, Hardcover

First published May 7, 2010

About the author

Debra Monroe is the author of four books of fiction, two memoirs, a textbook, a collection of essays.

Her first book The Source of Trouble was acclaimed as a “fierce debut” that presents “ever-hopeful lost souls with engaging humor and sympathy” (Kirkus Reviews). Her second book of stories A Wild, Cold State was described by The Boston Globe as “fine and funky, marbled with warmth and romantic confusion, but not a hint of sentimentality.” The Washington Post called her first novel “rangy, thoughtful, ambitious, and widely, wildly knowledgeable.” Shambles was praised by the Texas Observer as “a novel of graceful ease and substance.” Her first memoir On the Outskirts of Normal was published to national acclaim. Her second memoir My Unsentimental Education was described by the Chicago Tribune as "a heady rush of adventure, optimism, and fearlessness. Her book of essays It Takes a Worried Woman was described by the Minneapolis Star-Tribune as "edgy, nervy, anxious, alloyed by intellect, insight and humor."

Her books have won many awards, including the Flannery O’Connor Award, Borders Bookstore New Frontiers Award, The Barnes and Noble Book Award, and several best book of the season or year citations, including in O Magazine, Elle, Vanity Fair, and Southern Living.

Reviews

[Susan Henderson]

Currently reviewing this memoir for The American Book Review.

Updated: Finishing up my review of this book and can't seem to find a place to talk about the sheer pleasure of her observations, so I'll include some of my favorites here: "I was struck by the fact a man's genitals are attractive if you want to see them, ghastly if you don't." (p. 42). "Meantime, human wisdom flickers on and off like a bad connection." (p. 89). "She was using that hypnotic, rise-fall voice you use on insane people." (p. 198).

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-written intimate memoir about the experiences, frustrations, and joys of a Central Texas English professor who adopts a transracial child while rehabilitating her house on the outskirts of a Hill Country town, all the while dealing with chronic health problems. Monroe has a knack for bringing one along for a bumpy ride as if the reader is beside her on bench seat of an old pickup truck. Monroe's realization that Marie's hair would need special—and expensive—attention by a salon was reminiscent of the moment in which the fictional adoptive mom in Kingsolvers' The Bean Trees realizes her Native American child cannot digest milk. Both moments show the small ways in which the races are ignorant of each others' realities

The narrative comes across as sharply honest and spare, and therefore all the most incisive. Highly recommended.

[Paula Gallagher · Rating 5 out of 5]

White professor and author Monroe hangs her story on the peg of her adoption of a newborn black baby, but this book is about so much more than that. Why do smart women make so many bad relationship decisions? Are they doomed to repeat history?

Monroe examines her fractured childhood and adolescence (a drunken dad, a loutish, racist, brute of a stepfather)and her denied relationship with her abused, long-suffering mother. She struggles to make her own way after two failed marriages and countless no-count boyfriends, finally sinking love into her adopted daughter, Marie. She dotes on her child, her career, and their home, yet all but ignores her own life-threatening illness.

Monroe writes with a droll sense of clarity found in hindsight, a voice that will remind readers of a blend of Anne Lamott and Mary Karr.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I adored this book! Being the adoptive Caucasian mom of a mixed race daughter, I knew I was likely to identify with the author. She describes the experience perfectly, with her own individualized twist (as we all have one of our own). But the book is at the same time about much much more, and the author dies a great job remembering her life & honestly portraying what happened while adding in a mix of honesty and self-forgiveness.

[Christopher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are you kidding me? I don't even know where to begin. Monroe's voice and writing style are sublime. A wide smile remained plastered on my face as I read this book, even as I was being brought to tears from the striking, human narrative. I wanted to call friends, grab strangers on the street, read entire chapters. Damn fine writing.

[Myfanwy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, heartbreaking, and hopeful book about how the family we end up living with and loving best isn't necessarily the family we were born into.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic memoir. I love that Debra writes openly about single-mama-hood, dating, and sex. I also love how she can interpret everyday situations as if she's reading a complicated text. Her vocabulary rocks, as does her capacity for startling insight and her sense of humor. This book was great company-- like having a long, intimate discussion with my best mama-friends.

[Jack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely terrific.

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is an absolute page turner while still being incredibly thoughtful, complex, and intelligent. I highly recommend it!

[Alb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so beautiful and so hard to put down. There were many nights I had to force myself to put the book down and go to sleep. Everyone should read this poignant and heartfelt book.

[Graham Oliver · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book. Some of the time transitions are a bit rough, as noted in other reviews, but a touching story with a happy ending - a rarity lately.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ordered this from the library after reading a few of her short pieces online at various sites. I like Monroe's writing style and her short essays about raising her daughter were interesting enough to seek out the memoir. She did a great job detailing her struggles, maybe too much so. At points I would get so tense & anxious for her but then would step back a bit and realize that, for the most part, she really has it together. Monroe seemed almost dismissive at times of her successes and talents. I have friends in academia - I understand how hard it is to get tenure and book deals. And on the home front her house & garden sounded amazing - a beautiful place to live. Not to mention she is a great cook and sews. I wish she had balanced her story more with the positives in her life.

Granted, she had a lot of negatives on the home front. Her parents were horrible. Her relationships with her siblings seemed non-existent, which I found odd. She never wrote about any major issues she had with them, like she did with her parents. It was more like her siblings didn't even exist. Why the estrangement? The reader never knows. Her terrible relationships with her parents made me so thankful for the great relationship I had/have with my parents. I felt sorry for her abandonment by her parents.

Her relationships with men were horrible too - I really do think that if a person has a bad relationship with their parents it is going to negatively affect their chances of being in a positive romantic relationship as an adult. It's certainly true in her case. Monroe gave me a better explanation than any I had ever read before about why a woman stays with a man who beats her. I still find it hard to understand but the way she writes about her emotions and thoughts surrounding those toxic relationships at least lets me kind of get why someone would put themselves in such a shitty position.

The memoir is mainly about her adopting her daughter as a single parent. Monroe was SO cavalier about the potential problems that she would face. It is only towards the end of the book that she admits that yeah, maybe people are onto something, raising children in a two parent house instead of all alone. And I mean all alone. Not divorced and sharing custody, not single but with relatives nearby to help out. Not single but with close friends nearby. Monroe was ALONE. No one had her back. Again, like with the angry physically abusing husband, I kept shaking my head, thinking "What on earth are you thinking?" Monroe gets all pissy retelling an incident at her college when an older married couple who are big donors to the school point out that what she has taken on is really, really difficult. OK, they don't know you so it is weird to give unsolicited advice like that, but what they say is TRUTH. It's pretty crazy to adopt a baby when you have no one in your life. In fact, it's incredibly selfish. SHE wanted a baby so she wouldn't feel so lonely. However, when she gets all her serious health problems her poor daughter has to deal with the stress and insecurity of not knowing what will happen to her if her mom dies. Yeah. What WILL happen? Not a great thing to put a 6 yr old through.

The health scare part of the book was odd. I still don't understand what was wrong with her. She has to eat every 3 hours or she faints/loses her mind. Uh....that is weird. It is never diagnosed???? She has an operation for endometriosis and it's extra crazy or something. She doesn't really say. The health problems continue but she just sort of floats through life in pain and confused. Or something. I was confused too.

It ends on an up note, her getting engaged to a cool guy and selling her cute house so she can move to Austin, where she should have been living the entire time. Again, her choice to live in a very rural environment surrounding by very conservative people was strange. It was like she was making sure she would never find anyone to get close to. Which became a big problem when she got sick and there was no one to help. While she does a great job describing her emotions she does not do such a great job explaining her rationale behind her behaviors. Maybe she doesn't know herself?

[Stephanie Harvey · Rating 4 out of 5]

book was not well written in my perception. It seemed to jump around too much... chronologically and emotionally, so that some of the parts didn't pack as good of a punch as they potentially could have. Either way, there were some really intelligent things this author says about adulthood, motherhood and daughter Hood got it. Most of it at the very last chapter.

[Ariel Uppstrom · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting mesh of writing. For this reason, I'll start with the plot and then move to the style. The story was one of interest for me b/c I've long thought about adopting and particularly a child of a different race. Whenever Debra Monroe discussed the different comments and looks she would receive from people in her small neighborhood, I felt myself getting angry and defensive. I admired her ability to simply state what happened instead of painting the people in a negative light (which I would have a hard time not doing) because of their ignorance. When she described the issues she had with her daughter's hair, I was surprised by how long it took her to get the right advice, but I had to remind myself that she was also in rural Texas during this time. When Debra was struggling with her undiagnosed disease I felt so frustrated for her b/c of the ignorance she came across in the medical field. I couldn't imagine facing what she did without an support system. Overall, I found the story of her life interesting and important.

I was, however, frustrated by Monroe's writing style. I read a great deal of memoir writing, and usually enjoy it very much, but I found the writing style of this one a bit of a struggle. At times, she would maintain the memoir style and others she seemed to try and go off on esoteric rants about society or memory or writing or relationships. It was a struggle to understand why these discussions were essential to the story she was trying to convey. I usually found them distracting and tangential.

Overall, I found this to be an interesting story and one I think needs to be told. I also think it holds more significance and assistance to people today than before b/c I see more people adopting and adopting children from other races, countries, ethnicities, and religions. The struggle to maintain those backgrounds for the adopted children and still include them in the adoptive family's background is difficult.

[Samuel Snoek-Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book feels less like a single, linear memoir than like a collection of personal essays. Perhaps that's what it is -- many of these chapters were published as stand-alone essays before the book came out. But who says narrative has to follow a single, linear structure? In fact, I loved this book for its structure, which broke down what is actually a complicated web of emotional, legal, professional, and psychological dramas into easier-to-read chunks. With a story as full of trauma and of abject joy as this one, you need small bites.

That's what makes this whole book feel like honest storytelling. This isn't some big important textbook on adoption or some high-minded treatise on race and culture in America (though you could certainly find those ideas in here if you look for them). No: this is simply Debra Monroe sitting in your living room, sharing a bottle of wine, telling you how things look from where she's sitting. There are times you want to hug her, and times you want to push her away, and times you want to open a second bottle. That's how open and honest this book is. And it's a wonderful read.

[Mom · Rating 3 out of 5]

According to published reviews and the book jacket, this is a memoir of a single (white) woman adopting an African American child. But in fact it is more a memoir of a woman with an abusive father and stepfather, an absent mother, lots of terrible boyfriends, several bad marriages, major health problems.... She clearly loves her daughter, and her experiences with black hair, nosy neighbors and single parenthood were interesting, but unfortunately, too much bad news and an incredible history of bad decisions prevented this from being an enjoyable or inspiring book.

The memoir jumped around time-wise, with a jarring effect. I noted that many of the chapters had been published earlier as essays, but some editing could have smoothed things out.

At times, Debra sounded like Annie La Mott, with her wonderful sense of humor and refreshing honesty. The writing was compelling (I'll probably take a look at her novels) but overall I was disappointed. It seemed like the cross-racial adoption was a come-on to snare readers for an otherwise standard dysfunctional family memoir.

[Literary Mama]

"Monroe's is not...an angsty story about interracial adoption. Her journey into motherhood is full of love and joy, and a decision she never once regrets. At her daughter's six-day check-up, she writes, "I set her on the baby scale, and I felt tremulous and awestruck at the wrenching elation of loving a child -- letting my heart exist outside my body, and, as she'd grow, letting my heart roam around the risky world." For Monroe, the world is indeed a risky place. She worries over her daughter's health when Marie shows signs of an illness associated with pituitary disruption which can cause blindness, deafness and scoliosis, among other things. Monroe herself suffers from a little-understood condition which requires her to eat protein almost constantly. At one point, she nearly dies after a botched operation."


Read the rest of Suzanne Kamata's review at Literary Mama

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

i thought the writing was good, monroe's voice is honest and believable. but i was hoping for a little more on motherhood in this book. instead i felt there was a lot devoted to the author's need for sex/a man. nothing wrong with that, i was just hoping for something different based on the description of the book. i liked how in the interview with her at the end of the book she addresses why she didn't speak to race more. she says that she gives it about as much attention in the book as she gives it in real life, which was great. and every transracial families'/parent's/child's feelings on this are going to cover a wide spectrum. as the white mother of a black child i was just more interested in monroe's interpretation of that dynamic in a small town environment than in her sexual needs. also, although i enjoyed her analysis of her mother's mistakes with men and then her own, i wish she would have applied these ideas to parenting and her child's experience of this as well.

[Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

"On the Outskirts of Normal" is a compassionate, compelling story of one woman's search to create a family and heal old wounds. While living in a small Central Texas town and teaching at a nearby state university, Debra Monroe adopts an African American infant daughter. Monroe handles the curiosity and suspicions of her neighbors with remarkable grace and absence of rancor She eventually comes to be accepted and even admired. Monroe's ability to forgive her mostly absent mother was especially moving to me. I read this book in one sitting as it was impossible to abandon it for more than a few minutes. I think that "On the Outskirts of Normal" has the potential to be a breakout hit similar to Mary Karr's "Liar's Club". Do yourselves a big favor and read this book; I will definitely be recommending "Outskirts" to both my book clubs.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was expecting a memoir about the intricacies of transracial adoption, but it was much more than that. Monroe discusses her alcoholic father and codependent mother, her own disastrous relationships, even with domineering contractors working on her house. She really conveys how it feels to be alone in the world, being a single parent with medical problems and nobody to drive you to the hospital. But it didn't feel like complaining; the story she tells is about overcoming her own past and finding happiness in her love for her daughter-- as she says in the book, "Adoption was like getting married, only permanent". She does discuss some things about transracial adoption-- her mother's initial reaction, some strangers' thoughtless comments-- but this book is more about family relationships in general.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would've scored this higher, but I was too distracted by the timeline jumpiness. The author appeared to have organized the book into chapters by general topic. However, the impact of the book was lost when the daughter's age would flip flop between 2 years old and 5 years old and back to newborn. It wasn't really following her life; it was a more of narrations about specific topics (dating as a single mom, white people doing black hair, awful relatives, etc.)

I will say that I was extremely pleased to read her account of what happened in the hospital when her daughter was born - that she didn't have the "I'll be a better mother than you, so hurry up and sign the papers" or the "thank you for getting knocked up and living a crap circumstance so that you can gift this child to me" attitude I see in a lot of adoption tales told from the perspective of the adoptive parent.

[Marianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Monroe's story is compelling. I admire her pluck. I know what she was up against. Personal knowledge of both the town she lived in and the town where she worked increased my respect, as neither are bastions of open-minded, liberal thinking. I did, however, find myself frustrated with her at times, wanting to scream "get over it." Not fair as I've never been abandoned by my mother or lived in an abusive relationship. And honestly she didn't have a whiny, woe is me tone. Not sure exactly why I felt this way.

I found her writing style frustrating at times. There were places where after reading and re-reading and re-reading yet again I still didn't get what she was trying to say. Overall though this was a good read.

[DH · Rating 1 out of 5]

Written well enough to keep me reading, but I never did find anything in her story that was outside of normal. These days just about anything is normal in family combinations, although I realize she was living in a small Texas town which might have made her stand out as a single, professional, adoptive mother of a black daughter. I was hoping for more story about the daughter, but instead got lots of information about herself and her mother, both of whom seemed to make mostly (but not only) poor decisions in the relationship category. Families abound who have one parent, are adoptive, have grandparents with multiple marriages (abusive ones included), have health issues, etc. etc. If this book had been written in the 70s or earlier, then I could understand the title.

[Sarah Hoyt · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was attracted to Monroe's memoir because we plan to adopt, most likely inter-racially, as she opted to do. At the time, I wasn't aware that she received her MA at Kansas State University in the same department where my husband now teaches, but that coincidence made her story seem even more intertwined with and relevant to our own. I appreciated her frank portrayal of her adoption experience and struggle with chronic, undiagnosed illness, but I was less interested in her roller coaster romantic relationships. Nonetheless, will probably read more of her fiction, and I don't think I would have have gotten around to her other books without getting to know her through this work first.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a memoir of the author's troubled past and her inter-racial adoption. While I thought she had some interesting and unique stories to share about her life and relationships, I had a really hard time with how the timeline jumped around, especially in the last third of the book. Just when I thought we were moving on to the next sequential thing, she'd drop in a time clue that told me this was the same time she'd been describing 5 chapters ago. It was really jarring and made it difficult to keep track of what was happening or feel much sense of forward motion.

[Terri · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is hard to review. The book is a memoir and she discusses lots of topics that were mostly...well...all of them are hard times. I feel bad she went through all those tough times. I could imagine myself sitting around talking to one of my girlfriends about any singular topic in the book but when you compile it all together it wasn't a book I particular enjoyed reading front to back. Good conversation you share with someone who loves you....not a book. That's just me anyway.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This author's life is a bit of a train wreck. Unhappy childhood, unhappy marriages, but I very much enjoyed the part of the book when she was in the process of adopting a baby. It was very interesting to hear the challenges she faced of raising her daughter, but when she focused on her dating life and health challenges, I lost interest. Her writing style is very unique and to the point, but overall the book was just okay.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some favorite lines:

"Don't color the trees blue," Dora said, "or people will think you're wrong in the head."

"You could get us a dad like that" - she snapped her fingers "if you would focus."

"Was this me? I wondered. I liked someone's high-concept backstory, acute narrative tension, and I got sucked in?"

[Claudia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this would be an interesting book about single-parent adoption. Ms Monroe did mention that occasionly but most of the book was about her abusive, alcoholic father, absentee mother, Ms Monroe's own abusive husbands, and her inability to have a normal relationship. I kept thinking when do we get back to the baby?

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only reason I didn't rate this 5 stars is that it is hard to follow date wise. I kept getting confused at how old her daughter was during certain events, current medical issues, and numerous other facts.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the story. I enjoyed her insight on things and her perseverence against all odds.