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Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior
Every child has "ornery" moments, but more than 1 in 20 American children exhibit behavioral problems that are out of control. For readers struggling with an unyielding or combative child, YOUR DEFIANT EIGHT STEPS TO BETTER BEHAVIOR offers the understanding and guidance they need. Drawing on Dr. Russell A. Barkley's many years of work with parents and children, the book clearly explains what causes defiance, when it becomes a problem, and how it can be resolved. The book's comprehensive eight-step program stresses consistency and cooperation, promoting changes through a system of praise, rewards, and mild punishment. Readers learn tools and strategies for establishing clear patterns of discipline, communicating with children on a level they can understand, and reducing family stress overall. Filled with helpful charts, questionnaires, and checklists, YOUR DEFIANT CHILD helps parents get their child's behavior back on track and restore harmony in the home.
Winner-- Parents' Choice "Approved" Award
Winner-- Parents' Choice "Approved" Award
239 pages, Paperback
First published October 6, 1998
283 people are currently reading
745 people want to read
About the author
Russell A. Barkley
72 books452 followersRussell A. Barkley (born 1949) is a clinical psychologist who is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical University of South Carolina and an author of books on ADHD. Involved in research since 1973 and a licensed psychologist since 1977, he is an expert on attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and has devoted much of his scientific career to studying ADHD and related problems in children. His research interests include childhood defiance.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
September 29, 2013
This was an extremely helpful book. We saw positive changes in our son within a few days of starting the program and it just got better and better.
April 18, 2013
This book was recommended by a counselor who works with many adopted children. At the time we were in desperate need of actual practical solutions to put into place in our lives in order to deal with a child's oppositional defiance. The book gave us exactly what we needed: concrete suggestions for a step-by-step approach to handling oppositional behavior. The suggestion that we used in our family for the longest time was the home token system to reward positive behavior, discourage negative behavior, and give our kids some acceptable control over their lives. We ended up calling this the "chip system" because for a while we used actual game tokens.
Kids with oppositional defiance resist authority in practically every manner in practically every moment of the day. Despite this, they desperately need strong parental figures who can establish firm, fair, and consistent limits. After all, they are only little children. Children want to have control, but they need to have parents establish limits. If parents do not establish limits, the children are left with the horrifying feeling that they are in control, even though they are only little kids who don’t know much about life. They are left feeling powerful and really, really scared.
Therefore, parents have to be able to establish limits and consistently maintain those limits. Of course doing this is incredibly draining, especially when you need to be maintain this consistency in the face of violent rage. There are reasons for the behavior of course. Some children who have experienced the profound rejection of relinquishment at an early age subconsciously expect future rejection and therefore act out with worse and worse behavior in an attempt to preempt that rejection and get it over with. Other kids are are deeply shaken by the incredible disruptions in their early life that they had absolutely no control over. No one asked them if they wanted to leave their birthfamilies and go to an orphanage; no one asked them if they wanted to be adopted. Already the base rules of their lives have radically changed multiple times. Who knows what might happen next?
One technique presented in this book is to give the child as many choices as possible throughout the day, even little meaningless choices so that the child begins to feel more secure and so that you avoid giant battles over every little detail. This is how the chip system comes in. The oppositionally defiant child is not just defiant when you tell him to clean his room. He is also defiant when you tell him you are all going to the playground. And so instead of fighting that ridiculous battle, you yield those sorts of decisions to the child. In effect you bargaining with the child, “If you do these things that I want you to, I will give you chips. You can then use those chips to make decisions about how your day will go.” Some people call that bribery and say that children should be taught to value good behavior for good behaviors’ sake. I say that those people have never tried to raise a child with oppositional defiance.
Sometimes the chip system worked beautifully; sometimes it utterly failed. But overall, I recommend the system (and the book) highly. We even nicknamed the technique the “Cultivating Happiness In Parenting” (CHIP) system.
Kids with oppositional defiance resist authority in practically every manner in practically every moment of the day. Despite this, they desperately need strong parental figures who can establish firm, fair, and consistent limits. After all, they are only little children. Children want to have control, but they need to have parents establish limits. If parents do not establish limits, the children are left with the horrifying feeling that they are in control, even though they are only little kids who don’t know much about life. They are left feeling powerful and really, really scared.
Therefore, parents have to be able to establish limits and consistently maintain those limits. Of course doing this is incredibly draining, especially when you need to be maintain this consistency in the face of violent rage. There are reasons for the behavior of course. Some children who have experienced the profound rejection of relinquishment at an early age subconsciously expect future rejection and therefore act out with worse and worse behavior in an attempt to preempt that rejection and get it over with. Other kids are are deeply shaken by the incredible disruptions in their early life that they had absolutely no control over. No one asked them if they wanted to leave their birthfamilies and go to an orphanage; no one asked them if they wanted to be adopted. Already the base rules of their lives have radically changed multiple times. Who knows what might happen next?
One technique presented in this book is to give the child as many choices as possible throughout the day, even little meaningless choices so that the child begins to feel more secure and so that you avoid giant battles over every little detail. This is how the chip system comes in. The oppositionally defiant child is not just defiant when you tell him to clean his room. He is also defiant when you tell him you are all going to the playground. And so instead of fighting that ridiculous battle, you yield those sorts of decisions to the child. In effect you bargaining with the child, “If you do these things that I want you to, I will give you chips. You can then use those chips to make decisions about how your day will go.” Some people call that bribery and say that children should be taught to value good behavior for good behaviors’ sake. I say that those people have never tried to raise a child with oppositional defiance.
Sometimes the chip system worked beautifully; sometimes it utterly failed. But overall, I recommend the system (and the book) highly. We even nicknamed the technique the “Cultivating Happiness In Parenting” (CHIP) system.
February 14, 2023
My child just needed more love and kindness from me.
October 24, 2018
Great book on parenting that I recommend to many of my patients. I like how the first part really acknowledges the socioeconomic challenges that contribute to difficult behavior. Then it's a good, structured approach to managing behavior and has answers to common questions/objections.
May 24, 2025
Really helped with my strong willed 5 year old and was backed up by evidence
April 9, 2020
Il libro “Mio figlio è impossibile. Come migliorare i comportamenti oppositivi del tuo bambino.” di R.A. Barkley e C.M. Benton nasce dopo anni di esperienza pratica di questi due professionisti che hanno voluto riunire in un testo tutte le risposte alle domande che i genitori di bambini o ragazzi oppositivi si pongono, con lo scopo di aiutarli a sentirsi meno soli.
Il libro si propone come una sorta di manuale di “primo soccorso” per quei genitori che non sanno come relazionarsi con i figli.
Il disturbo oppositivo provocatorio (DOP) fa parte della categoria dei Disturbi da Comportamento Dirompente, del Controllo degli Impulsi e della Condotta.
Comporta soprattutto problemi di autocontrollo delle emozioni e dei comportamenti.
Spesso vengono attuati comportamenti aggressivi e violenti, soprattutto verso persone che simboleggiano l’autorità.
Il disturbo si caratterizza per la presenza frequente e persistente di umore collerico/irritabile, comportamento polemico/provocatorio e vendicatività.
Tali sintomi devono presentarsi nell’interagire con almeno una persona che non sia un parente stretto. La comparsa dei primi sintomi si verifica prevalentemente in età prescolare;
Spesso il disturbo precede lo sviluppo di un Disturbo della Condotta e si associa al rischio di sviluppare disturbi d’ansia e disturbo depressivo.
Alla base del disturbo oppositivo provocatorio può esserci un’interazione tra fattori individuali, come il temperamento, biologici e contestuali, come ad esempio l’educazione ricevuta dai genitori. Incidono, inoltre, fattori quali lo svantaggio socio-economico, l’esposizione a modelli aggressivi adulti, eventi stressanti che possono colpire la famiglia e la mancanza di stimoli cognitivi.
È importante quindi non sottovalutare determinati atteggiamenti lì dove la loro presenza va a influire su l’apprendimento del bambino e cercare un intervento pratico ed efficace con da subito.
Recensione di Psicoleggimi
Il libro si propone come una sorta di manuale di “primo soccorso” per quei genitori che non sanno come relazionarsi con i figli.
Il disturbo oppositivo provocatorio (DOP) fa parte della categoria dei Disturbi da Comportamento Dirompente, del Controllo degli Impulsi e della Condotta.
Comporta soprattutto problemi di autocontrollo delle emozioni e dei comportamenti.
Spesso vengono attuati comportamenti aggressivi e violenti, soprattutto verso persone che simboleggiano l’autorità.
Il disturbo si caratterizza per la presenza frequente e persistente di umore collerico/irritabile, comportamento polemico/provocatorio e vendicatività.
Tali sintomi devono presentarsi nell’interagire con almeno una persona che non sia un parente stretto. La comparsa dei primi sintomi si verifica prevalentemente in età prescolare;
Spesso il disturbo precede lo sviluppo di un Disturbo della Condotta e si associa al rischio di sviluppare disturbi d’ansia e disturbo depressivo.
Alla base del disturbo oppositivo provocatorio può esserci un’interazione tra fattori individuali, come il temperamento, biologici e contestuali, come ad esempio l’educazione ricevuta dai genitori. Incidono, inoltre, fattori quali lo svantaggio socio-economico, l’esposizione a modelli aggressivi adulti, eventi stressanti che possono colpire la famiglia e la mancanza di stimoli cognitivi.
È importante quindi non sottovalutare determinati atteggiamenti lì dove la loro presenza va a influire su l’apprendimento del bambino e cercare un intervento pratico ed efficace con da subito.
Recensione di Psicoleggimi
July 28, 2015
I really enjoyed this book and found it very useful. The author talked about defiant children and really described much of the behavior I experience with my youngest child who is 4. It really helped me understand her better and also why we were having some of the challenges in our family that we were.
We have been using the program for about a month now and it has been fairly effective. One of the big topics of this book is a reward system and that has been very useful for some aspects of our life (toileting, eating, cleaning, and sleeping). We still have some struggles that the reward system has been less helpful with (aggression and volume control are still big problems).
I loved the set up of the book and really appreciated the answers to common questions. I would actually have liked to see just a little bit more of those. I think they were the most helpful part of the book.
I felt like after reading the book I understood the issues we have better and that alone made it worth the read. Also, the steps described have made a difference in our lives. Understand though that the book can’t work miracles either though and that even after completely incorporation the measures in this book you may not have a fully compliant child.
We have been using the program for about a month now and it has been fairly effective. One of the big topics of this book is a reward system and that has been very useful for some aspects of our life (toileting, eating, cleaning, and sleeping). We still have some struggles that the reward system has been less helpful with (aggression and volume control are still big problems).
I loved the set up of the book and really appreciated the answers to common questions. I would actually have liked to see just a little bit more of those. I think they were the most helpful part of the book.
I felt like after reading the book I understood the issues we have better and that alone made it worth the read. Also, the steps described have made a difference in our lives. Understand though that the book can’t work miracles either though and that even after completely incorporation the measures in this book you may not have a fully compliant child.
January 4, 2020
This incredibly well-written book comes from the clinical end but is very parent-friendly. Not only great for those of us with clinicially defiant children but for any parent who is facing defiance. While most self-help books shy away from exceptions (even Conscious Displine and Love and Logic), this book is chaulk full of various scenarios that cover a pretty full range of behaviors and situations. I wish I would have thought of the audiobook version that I just finished when I started reading the printed version 4.5 years ago (as I don't really have any time to read rinted material).
November 24, 2018
For parents with a defiant child, this book can be a game changer. It is reading to hear stories that resemble what's going on in your home and behaviors that are as severe as your child's. I bristle at the rewards and punishments piece but maybe that's how i ended up with a defiant child in the first place. Great read. Working now on implementing the advice.
June 1, 2016
It seems to be a good resource with helpful advice, examples of common scenarios, and a step by step process to working towards a better, more peaceful relationship with more responsive children.
March 5, 2024
I wish I could zero star this. One star is too much.
This was recommended to me by a doctor who spoke at my kids school on ADHD. I guess the jokes on me for thinking it would actually be about ADHD. It’s really about controlling an ODD child (or a child with ODD tendencies).
I would not recommend this if you have a neurodivergent child or are prone to being a sensitive parent. Part one of the book left me totally defeated. They largely put all the responsibility for a child’s behavior or potential for change back on the parent. Life just simply isn’t that black and white for neurodivergent families.
His brash opinions often come across as shaming either a parent or a child. The book advises to let go of your guilt in one breath and the very next sentence tells you all the things you’re doing wrong. One segment said shaming is fruitless and then immediately advised a practice to forgive your child nightly for all their misbehaviors. Some children are not trying to be “bad” so implying they need daily forgiveness whether it’s in your own mind or verbally to your child is toxic. If I told my child I forgave her every night I guarantee you she would ask, “For what?”
I made every effort not to DNF, but decided half way through I couldn’t continue. The quote that did me in was “Parents who can’t spend 15 special minutes of playtime daily with their child should give their child up for adoption.” I get connection is important, but I have no interest in that kind of guilt ridden, absolute opinions on parenting.
I wanted a book that helped me understand how my child’s behavior is an extension of her unique neurodivergent mind. This hurt more than helped.
This was recommended to me by a doctor who spoke at my kids school on ADHD. I guess the jokes on me for thinking it would actually be about ADHD. It’s really about controlling an ODD child (or a child with ODD tendencies).
I would not recommend this if you have a neurodivergent child or are prone to being a sensitive parent. Part one of the book left me totally defeated. They largely put all the responsibility for a child’s behavior or potential for change back on the parent. Life just simply isn’t that black and white for neurodivergent families.
His brash opinions often come across as shaming either a parent or a child. The book advises to let go of your guilt in one breath and the very next sentence tells you all the things you’re doing wrong. One segment said shaming is fruitless and then immediately advised a practice to forgive your child nightly for all their misbehaviors. Some children are not trying to be “bad” so implying they need daily forgiveness whether it’s in your own mind or verbally to your child is toxic. If I told my child I forgave her every night I guarantee you she would ask, “For what?”
I made every effort not to DNF, but decided half way through I couldn’t continue. The quote that did me in was “Parents who can’t spend 15 special minutes of playtime daily with their child should give their child up for adoption.” I get connection is important, but I have no interest in that kind of guilt ridden, absolute opinions on parenting.
I wanted a book that helped me understand how my child’s behavior is an extension of her unique neurodivergent mind. This hurt more than helped.
January 29, 2024
This book was recommended from a doctor that diagnosed my son with ADHD. First, I really do not like the word defiant. And since it was the title of the book, that word was used one million times. If it wasn’t recommended I probably would not have picked the book up based on the title. There were a lot of really helpful gems in this book on how to handle certain situations and how it would look. A lot of really good examples.
However, you can tell the book was created in 1998. Children and how parents handle things has evolved since then. There was one comment that said well if you can’t handle one on one time with your child, you should just consider putting them up for adoption 😳 If you can overlook the snarky almost judgmental tone, it is worth the read.
However, you can tell the book was created in 1998. Children and how parents handle things has evolved since then. There was one comment that said well if you can’t handle one on one time with your child, you should just consider putting them up for adoption 😳 If you can overlook the snarky almost judgmental tone, it is worth the read.
January 8, 2023
I read this book for professional purposes based on a recommendation, but my review of it is that it is a far more helpful resource for parents dealing with defiant children (as the title would suggest, in fairness to the author). In my opinion and based on my own experiences, the recommendations by this clinical psychologist for how schools/teachers should partner with parents (in the interest of improving a defiant child's behavior at school) are not realistic. I recommend this book to parents, but not to educators.
May 2, 2021
Two stars is generous. Lots of interesting ideas in this book, but the quality of the writing is poor. I freely admit that if I had thought of many of these ideas on my own, I would probably think they were important, but I do not like the format or the style. I am intellectually offended by the concept that the only significant factor contributing to my child’s belligerence is that I’m a bad parent. Also, I suspect that the excessive reliance on praise for the child could result in cultivating a closed mindset. Carol Dweck save us from this mush.
January 2, 2020
Read this on the advice of my kid's therapist and I'm not sure how applicable it actually was to our situation, so this might be more helpful to others. A lot of overlap with Taking Charge of ADHD.
December 14, 2020
كتاب ترجمته جيده ومفهومه
الجزء الاول طويل وممل فيه شرح تقرري عن انواع عدم الانضباط وتفصيل طويل عن متى يجب التوجه لمختص
في الفصل الثاني فعلا تبدأ الزبده من الكتاب
فيه معلومات وطرق فعاله للتعامل مع الاطفال حتى بدون مشاكل سلوك
الجزء الاول طويل وممل فيه شرح تقرري عن انواع عدم الانضباط وتفصيل طويل عن متى يجب التوجه لمختص
في الفصل الثاني فعلا تبدأ الزبده من الكتاب
فيه معلومات وطرق فعاله للتعامل مع الاطفال حتى بدون مشاكل سلوك
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 7, 2021
Effective suggestions and a thoughtful approach, but not fitting for my personal situation. There’s defiance that’s controllable and defiance that’s...not. This means that developmental delays aren’t factored into this book at no fault to anyone other than just not the book for my family.
April 25, 2022
I am a fan of Russel A. Barkley's works and the topic of ADD is very important to me as an adult and a parent. This has great strategies and also great points on introspection as a parent. I suggest this book for anyone that has a child with special needs or is an adult with ADHD.
February 8, 2024
This book is antiquated in advocates yelling at your child, isolating them for extended periods, and complicated reward and punishment systems. Skip it and keep looking for more productive methods of communication and mutual respect.
February 12, 2025
Just okay. Some solutions were complex. Some proposed solutions just simply wouldn’t work. Definitely some take aways and worth reading I’d you find yourself raising a defiant child.
Listened on Libby. Narrator was nice. I think she’s the same one who narrators The Highly Sensitive Child.
Listened on Libby. Narrator was nice. I think she’s the same one who narrators The Highly Sensitive Child.
September 14, 2025
I was hopeful in reading this book for tips and tricks to help with my child’s behaviors. However, once you get about half way through, the techniques are primarily shame based for both child and parent. Upholding unrealistic examples for neurodivergent kids. I would not recommend this book.
August 7, 2017
Read a good chunk of this and skimmed the rest. Might be worth revisiting at different times. Had to return back to the library.
January 30, 2019
A few good chapters, but most of them are very repetitive and far too extreme.
March 10, 2019
There were some helpful ideas here and it certainly provides structure, but I haven't seen the day and night changes described, but I also didn't have the severity of issues it was intended for.
April 16, 2019
Good, evidence-based program to help defiant kids. I listened to it on audio book twice in a row. We're still on the early steps.
September 4, 2019
Very useful program and helps you understand your kid's thinking more.
September 17, 2020
I thought this provided some very practical steps in helping children in this situation.
July 8, 2021
I was recommended this book by my pediatrician. It did quite fit our situation but I found some good ideas to incorporate.
Read
October 7, 2022Framework for how to teach your child to do what you want. Token system. “I like when you listen to me” Seems maybe too punitive, especially for a neurodivergent child.
April 20, 2023
Very useful; some of the recommendations (time out) are dated/ don’t work for a child with true emotional dysregulation. I prefer Ross Greene but this was a decent supplement.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews