Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life

by Gail Sheehy

At last, this is your story. You'll recognize yourself, your friends, and your loves. You'll see how to use each life crisis as an opportunity for creative change -- to grow to your full potential. Gail Sheehy's brilliant road map of adult life shows the inevitable personality and sexual changes we go through in our 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond. The Trying 20s -- The safety of home left behind, we begin trying on life's uniforms and possible partners in search of the perfect fit. The Catch 30s -- illusions shaken, it's time to make, break, or deepen life commitments. The Forlorn 40s -- Dangerous years when the dreams of youth demand reassessment, men and women switch characteristics, sexual panic is common, but the greatest opportunity for self-discovery awaits. The Refreshed (or Resigned) 50s -- Best of life for those who let go old roles and find a renewal of purpose.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Philosophy, Personal Development, Sociology, Health

576 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 1976

About the author

Gail Sheehy is an American writer and lecturer, most notable for her books on life and the life cycle. She is also a contributor to the magazine Vanity Fair.

Her fifth book, Passages, has been called "a road map of adult life". Several of her books continue the theme of passages through life's stages, including menopause and what she calls "Second Adulthood", including Pathfinders, Spirit of Survival, and Menopause: The Silent Passage. Her latest book, Sex and the Seasoned Woman, reveals a hidden cultural phenomenon: a surge of vitality in women's sex and love lives after age fifty. She has also authored a biography of Hillary Rodham Clinton titled Hillary's Choice. Her novel Middletown, America is being adapted as a TV miniseries. (from Wikipedia)

Reviews

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was written in the 1970's, and helped me through a couple of difficult passages in my life. I was young then, and I'm not young now (68), but it's just possible that I might pick it up and read it again. It certainly helped me survive a couple of personal crises in my life...

[Kaethe · Rating 3 out of 5]

See, this is what happens when you hire a bookish babysitter. I can't begin to explain why, at age 14 I thought I should read this instead of, I dunno, watching TV. Yeah, see I didn't go prying around, I'd just grab a book of the family room shelf.

Let's just assume it was a good idea, that some sort of pop wisdom filtered into my head so that now, in middle age, I'm taking life in stride.

[Sue Bridehead (A Pseudonym) · Rating 3 out of 5]

A retro pop-psych book that reads like a point of entry into the minds of Betty and Don Draper. The upshot: no matter where you are right now in your identity crisis, unless you are totally inhibited beyond help, ruined by your parents, or poorer than a Westchester socialite, around the age of 50 you will emerge from your crummy chrysalis self-realized, artistic, and jazzed about life.

[Lesley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book meant a lot to me because I was reading it when I met a good looking Canadian fresh off the plane. Amazingly, he too was reading the book and we sat till long in the night discussing what it meant to us. He has now been my husband for 29 years!

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Passages by Gail Sheehy is a book that I saw lying around the house a lot when I was a kid. Since I am writing a memoir about my mom, I thought I'd read some of her favorite books. Turns out to be perfect timing. It's about the various phases of life leading up to the mid-life crisis. According to Sheehy, when we are young adults, many of us rush into choosing a role so that we can "get on" with life. This may entail denying parts of ourselves in order to better conform to that role, whether it's as a wife and mother, or go-getter professional. As mid-life approaches, many people start to realize the narrowness of that role and the sacrifices demanded by taking it on. We throw off those self-imposed limits and start a second exploration of self, perhaps in a wiser and less hurried frame of mind, though more conscious of our own mortality. A great read and still relevant, even though it was written in the mid-70s.

[Ryan Murdock · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting read. A bit dated given that attitudes have changed since it was written in the early 70's. But still widely applicable, IMO. At least to my generation. Gave some interesting insights into the 40's decade I've somehow slipped into. And brought back a lot of memories as well. I spent a lot of time looking back at the past as I read, and the major turning points and crisis points of my life fit quite accurately into this pattern. But of course I never realized that at the time.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I find myself continually referring to the premises of this book in my life. I really believe that our true age in life is changing through our experiences. As we deal with life's crises we have to regroup our ways, consequently our developmental age regresses until we're able to learn from and push through that passage in our life.
Depending on what we've been through in life and how we've dealt with what we have been through, we can either be well ahead of or well below our chronological age number. Gail Sheehy reminds us that life is basically a series of developmental passages. If we can be conscious of this, we can rest in the thought that our development is not necessarily linear. As a result of our experiences are developmental changes can be dynamic. To me, there is peace in knowing this.

[Larry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Middle age provides enough history to see major life events with some perspective. Consideration of the future begins to gain focus.

"Passages" provided a vocabulary and understanding of how we all deal with loss and tragedy. I began to see myself on Sheehy's various steps and reminded me that 1) my feelings were normal and a part of a process and, 2) This too shall pass.

Her book brought rationality to some of the most painful emotions we encounter.

LB 2012

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

When someone recommended this book to me, I thought that it was just another self-help book, which was full of stereotypes, and pat answers, but to my delight, Sheehy pretty much steered clear of all that. I guess I had never pondered that life is comprised of a series of "losses", which compel us to adapt, and ultimately to grow. I think simply knowing that change will come, is helpful; and this book brings encouragement in facing those inescapable passages of life, where disillusionment can get the better of us.

[Terri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Somewhat outdated, especially the women's issues, but still an invaluable tool in self-examination and growth. Covers the predictible pattern of aging and maturing for men and women, yet resists the stereotyping and type-casting of most books of this type.

[Maurean · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is an interesting bit of insight into the "predictable crises" of adult life. Divided in sections by life stages (the trying 20's, the catch 30's, the forlorn 40's) Sheehy tries to help us understand the 'developmental rythms" of life, and how to use that knowledge to reach our full potential. I've read bits & pieces, here & there, and am now reading from it again...

Feb. '08:
Part five: "But I'm Unique"; chpt. 16- Women's Life Patterns.
~Late Baby Superachiever (!?); interesting...

"...very little patience with people whose capacities are impaired by wrestling with their private hells. She has conquered her own or ignored them. Why can't the minions march briskly out of their barbarous suburbs over the bones of their charred marriages, gather up their freaked-out children, admit the nuclear family was an experiment in disaster, and get on with the job done right?" (pg 331)

[Jennifer Hughes · Rating 2 out of 5]

I remember seeing this around my house in the '70s, so when I found it on my (recently deceased) mom's bookshelf, I thought I'd read it and maybe get some insight into her at that age. I didn't really find what I was looking for, except for one thing: lots of highlighting up to page 60, then it stops. Yeah, Mom, that's about where I lost interest too.

Gail Sheehy is a journalist, not a trained psychologist, so while she may have some interesting observations on psychology, it seemed that she spent a lot of pages on stories instead of concepts. The generational milestones she observed in 1974 feel dated and reflective of the morals and social norms of her generation. While some other reviewers here have noted that this was a helpful book in their self-discovery, and it may have sparked other good research after its debut, this book didn't work for me.

[Shannon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked the concept of this book, outlining stages of adult life. However this book is full of assumption, stereotypes & generalizations. Relationships and age are not as hopeless as this book makes it out to be.

[Giovanna Walker · Rating 2 out of 5]

Yikes! Saw this mentioned in another book I read, and thought 'this sounds interesting'. Hmm Ok, it's an American point of view. It's LLLLLLOOOOONNNGGG and does ramble a bit, ok a lot. It was written in 1976, perhaps an updated edition read would have been better. Yikes. It was SCARY! If this is a snapshot of the 70's, heck I'd have been a rotten wife. Author didn't refer to female interviewees as 'Jane' or 'Anne', but Mrs Butler or Mrs Hall? Huh, felt like that took away the woman's identity - the women she was interviewing. Let alone.....oh my, there is SO much here that is old fashioned. I'm SO glad I didn't grow up then, I'm so grateful for my 'freedom'. This book would be an interesting to study to see how mores used to be (well, used to be, but also some leftover views). I am SO lucky!!! A quote that Sheehy sites (but doesn't agree with) from a number 1 bestseller in 1974 'It is only when a woman surrenders her life to her husband, reveres and worships him and is willing to serve him that she becomes really beautiful to him'. Oh. My. God.

[Rebecca Waring-Crane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chosen as a seminal work on a topic that fascinates me, I've labored to complete Sheeny's classic on life transitions. Not because her writing is difficult; no, it is often lyrical. But because her findings are simple and irrefutable, and reading them left me feeling that my own life is a cliche.

We are so predictable. This truth comforts and confounds at the same time.

Written in the early 1970's, some references and examples are decidedly reflections of that time. However, the struggle to free-oneself from from the inner-custodian is universal. As my own struggle continues into my 50's, reading about others finding, or losing, their way in the process left me weary. Still worth the effort, but what an effort!

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was named "one of the ten most influential books of our times" by the Library of Congress. Most of Sheehy's sociological discoveries were considered revolutionary in 1976, but now have been assimilated into our society to such a degree that they are deemed common knowledge. The popular acceptance of the idea of a midlife crisis--comes from this book.

However, I wonder how relevant this book will be in the future; if new generations will benefit from the portrayed "traditional" gender roles and the issues they create. I also have serious reservations about it's scientific efficacy given the small quantity of study participants, and that they are clearly not ethnically, or economically diverse. An interesting read, yet it feels dated. Not sure I would recommend.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned that the course for life is a ongoing, reflecting process and that each of us chooses the path differently. And that is never too late to change one's course. Her examples of specific people and their choices of paths was very helpful.

[Heathercan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although her evaluation of the stages adults go through as they age, the book is pretty dated. I could only go so far into it before I felt like I was reading a screen capture of the 70s (or thereabouts). Anyway, it was interesting but hard to apply to today.

[Liz Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting read. Made me feel better about my worries about life. Apparently the are very common!

Note about this book: it was written in the 1970s. Keep that in mind when you read some of the life histories. But the basic idea of the book still stands for people today.

[Levanah Ruthschild · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting - and, at least in the early edition, focused
(almost?)exclusively on those following traditional patterns; particularly lacking in alternative views of women's lives.
[One hopes that later editions have addressed and remedied this major shortcoming.:]

[Steve · Rating 1 out of 5]

Boring and pretentious. I had to struggle to finish this book. The author lifted a lot of the book from another author's book but still managed to come off as an elitist snob. A waste of a lot of otherwise good paper

[R.P. Dahlke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every woman should read this book! I did at age 35, and have since bought it for every friend who's found herself at a "fork in the road." Incredibly important for all of us who've wondered if we were the only ones in the world going through this trial, this hurt, this challenge.

[Ruth · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was back when I thought books were going to solve my problems for me.

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I couldn't relate when I read it. Maybe I'll try again.

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggled against the premise of predictability. didn't agree with author

[John Hawkins · Rating 3 out of 5]

I traveled trhough so many passages since I read this book, I can not remeber a damn thing about it.

[Holly Blevins]

I moved and decided not to bring this book with me, but I do plan on finishing it once I move back and am reunited with my books.

[Sara Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good! I hate that it’s out of print. I borrowed a friend’s copy.
So helpful for self-awareness at all ages and stages.

[Miguel Soto · Rating 3 out of 5]

Este libro lo había leído parcialmente hace varios años, como parte de un curso, pero releerlo y ahora hacerlo por completo fue una experiencia suficientemente grata. Es un extenso tratado sobre la adultez, desde la más temprana hasta la tardía, donde se relatan de viva voz experiencias de gente "from all walks of life", demostrando ciertos "pasajes" que son comunes en el transcurso de la vida adulta, al menos en occidente.

Lo que me gusta del libro es que a pesar de que se escribió en los 70's, sigue siendo muy representativo de las realidades que se viven, de los tránsitos que se atraviesan en la adultez, aunque por otra parte, hay que decir también que es un libro para leerse contextualizado, sabiendo que en los últimos 40 años algunas cosas han cambiado y que lo aquí expresado de ninguna manera es normativo. Especialmente la referencia a ciertos rangos de edad es ahora completamente distinta, pero sirve como un buen punto de arranque para contrastar lo que permanece con lo que se ha actualizado.

Me sirvió para lo que lo necesitaba, ojalá haya sido de utilidad también para mis estudiantes.

[Toni Wyatt · Rating 3 out of 5]

While very enlightening in some respects, after reading this it made me wonder why anyone would ever even contemplate marriage. The habits of the men in the case studies disgusted me.

I hope people overall have a better inner compass than what is portrayed here. I did recognize some developmental stages of life from my own experiences, but I wouldn’t necessarily believe the necessity or outcome of what was being described here.