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Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential--and Endangered
An inside look at the power of empathy: Born for Love is an unprecedented exploration of how and why the brain learns to bond with othersand a stirring call to protect our children from new threats to their capacity to love
From birth, when babies' fingers instinctively cling to those of adults, their bodies and brains seek an intimate connection, a bond made possible by empathythe ability to love and to share the feelings of others.
In this provocative book, renowned child psychiatrist Bruce D. Perry and award-winning science journalist Maia Szalavitz interweave research and stories from Perry's practice with cutting-edge scientific studies and historical examples to explain how empathy develops, why it is essential for our development into healthy adults, and how it is threatened in the modern world.
Perry and Szalavitz show that compassion underlies the qualities that make society worktrust, altruism, collaboration, love, charityand how difficulties related to empathy are key factors in social problems such as war, crime, racism, and mental illness. Even physical health, from infectious diseases to heart attacks, is deeply affected by our human connections to one another.
As Born for Love reveals, recent changes in technology, child-rearing practices, education, and lifestyles are starting to rob children of necessary human contact and deep relationshipsthe essential foundation for empathy and a caring, healthy society. Sounding an important warning bell, Born for Love offers practical ideas for combating the negative influences of modern life and fostering positive social change to benefit us all.
387 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 6, 2009
648 people are currently reading
11356 people want to read
About the author
Bruce D. Perry
25 books1,548 followersBruce D. Perry is an American psychiatrist, currently the senior fellow of the Child Trauma Academy in Houston, Texas and an adjunct professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago, Illinois.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 261 reviews
August 9, 2015
"Will increasing empathy solve all the world's problems? Of course not. But few of them can be solved without it."
And so ends Born for Love by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz, a book about the nature of empathy and its importance in modern society. The authors examine the development of empathy in babies and young children, how factors such as race and socioeconomic status affect empathy, and how empathy allows us to live longer and more meaningful lives. Perry and Szalavitz examine empathy from a variety of angles, incorporating neuroscience, case studies, and cross-cultural analyses to support their thesis that empathy matters - a lot. They offer ways to foster empathy (e.g., reduce screen time, decrease class differences) and drive home just how important it is for us to look outside of ourselves.
As someone who values empathy more than most things in life, I started Born for Love with great anticipation. Szalavitz and Perry do not disappoint, as they create insightful connections between early developmental factors, intersectional identities, and neuroscience to argue in favor of empathy. Their specific interviews with inspiring individuals and the quality of the research they cite transforms the oftentimes abstract concept of empathy into a more tangible and understandable necessity. This book highlights that while none of us may need empathy, all of us should want it, because it offers a gamut of benefits ranging from better physical health to greater satisfaction of oneself and others.
However, Born for Love did have some flaws, as much as I detest to admit. Szalavitz and Perry focus a lot on developmental psychology and select aspects of social psychology; I wish they could have expanded their analysis of empathy beyond just the effects of childhood experience, perhaps to include thoughts about empathy in adolescence and adulthood. Furthermore, their actual discussion of "empathy" felt a little broad. The book may have benefited from a more concrete operationalization of empathy as well as the specific intrapersonal and interpersonal mechanisms that underlie it.
Overall, a great read I would recommend to those interested in Psychology and/or parenting. If this book piques your interest, also try The Lost Art of Listening, which gives concrete ways to increase understanding in our everyday relationships.
And so ends Born for Love by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz, a book about the nature of empathy and its importance in modern society. The authors examine the development of empathy in babies and young children, how factors such as race and socioeconomic status affect empathy, and how empathy allows us to live longer and more meaningful lives. Perry and Szalavitz examine empathy from a variety of angles, incorporating neuroscience, case studies, and cross-cultural analyses to support their thesis that empathy matters - a lot. They offer ways to foster empathy (e.g., reduce screen time, decrease class differences) and drive home just how important it is for us to look outside of ourselves.
As someone who values empathy more than most things in life, I started Born for Love with great anticipation. Szalavitz and Perry do not disappoint, as they create insightful connections between early developmental factors, intersectional identities, and neuroscience to argue in favor of empathy. Their specific interviews with inspiring individuals and the quality of the research they cite transforms the oftentimes abstract concept of empathy into a more tangible and understandable necessity. This book highlights that while none of us may need empathy, all of us should want it, because it offers a gamut of benefits ranging from better physical health to greater satisfaction of oneself and others.
However, Born for Love did have some flaws, as much as I detest to admit. Szalavitz and Perry focus a lot on developmental psychology and select aspects of social psychology; I wish they could have expanded their analysis of empathy beyond just the effects of childhood experience, perhaps to include thoughts about empathy in adolescence and adulthood. Furthermore, their actual discussion of "empathy" felt a little broad. The book may have benefited from a more concrete operationalization of empathy as well as the specific intrapersonal and interpersonal mechanisms that underlie it.
Overall, a great read I would recommend to those interested in Psychology and/or parenting. If this book piques your interest, also try The Lost Art of Listening, which gives concrete ways to increase understanding in our everyday relationships.
November 21, 2018
5- This is an important and well-written book. It's easy to read, although sad and poignant at times. I recommend it for anyone who has children in their life and wants to improve our collective future.
June 12, 2012
I didn't find "Born for Love" as tightly written as the authors' other effort "The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog"; there was a fair amount of repeated material within the book.
Still, I enjoyed the book & there were many fascinating tidbits. The overall message is that relationships matter, love matters, and early experiences are foundational (even to the point of altering DNA expression via epigenetics).
I thought the authors relied too heavily on anthropologist Sarah Hrdy's theories. Hrdy argues for "cooperative breeding" over the nuclear family as the driving force in human social & evolutionary development.
"the social deficits seen in people with autism could be secondary to the heightened fear and sensory issues, and not necessarily a sign of inherent problems with the social regions of the bran. Autistic children might develop repetitive behaviors for the same reasons that neglected children do: as a way of coping with stress. As another way to manage sensory overload, autistic children might increasingly withdraw within. Social stimuli are among the most complicated we face. If you can't handle loud noises and sudden activity, imagine what preschool must be like! However, if you hide away and avoid social experience, your brain isn't going to have the opportunity to learn from it."
"...among the most obese patients, the onset of weight gain is sudden: people don't gain two hundred pounds ten pounds at a time over the years. 'The single most important question to ask people in terms of obesity is how old were you when you first began putting on weight,' he says. The gain often occurred immediately after a disturbing life event. Felitti identifies parental divorce as an unrecognized factor in the fattening of America and a common precursor to weight gain. Divorce rates did rise dramatically just before obesity began to spike in the United States."
"Since people lower in social status experience more stress as a result of their position in the world, one obvious consequence is an increased risk of heart attack and stroke--before they even think about drinking, smoking, or taking drugs to try to cope, in fact, before they even leave the womb."
"...studies show that some people with depression have measurable shrinkage of the hippocampus. Further, almost everything that successfully lifts depression seems to ultimately produce regrowth of cells in that region. Whether it's talk therapy, electroconvulsive therapy, or medication--recovery often involves repairing the hippocampus."
Still, I enjoyed the book & there were many fascinating tidbits. The overall message is that relationships matter, love matters, and early experiences are foundational (even to the point of altering DNA expression via epigenetics).
I thought the authors relied too heavily on anthropologist Sarah Hrdy's theories. Hrdy argues for "cooperative breeding" over the nuclear family as the driving force in human social & evolutionary development.
"the social deficits seen in people with autism could be secondary to the heightened fear and sensory issues, and not necessarily a sign of inherent problems with the social regions of the bran. Autistic children might develop repetitive behaviors for the same reasons that neglected children do: as a way of coping with stress. As another way to manage sensory overload, autistic children might increasingly withdraw within. Social stimuli are among the most complicated we face. If you can't handle loud noises and sudden activity, imagine what preschool must be like! However, if you hide away and avoid social experience, your brain isn't going to have the opportunity to learn from it."
"...among the most obese patients, the onset of weight gain is sudden: people don't gain two hundred pounds ten pounds at a time over the years. 'The single most important question to ask people in terms of obesity is how old were you when you first began putting on weight,' he says. The gain often occurred immediately after a disturbing life event. Felitti identifies parental divorce as an unrecognized factor in the fattening of America and a common precursor to weight gain. Divorce rates did rise dramatically just before obesity began to spike in the United States."
"Since people lower in social status experience more stress as a result of their position in the world, one obvious consequence is an increased risk of heart attack and stroke--before they even think about drinking, smoking, or taking drugs to try to cope, in fact, before they even leave the womb."
"...studies show that some people with depression have measurable shrinkage of the hippocampus. Further, almost everything that successfully lifts depression seems to ultimately produce regrowth of cells in that region. Whether it's talk therapy, electroconvulsive therapy, or medication--recovery often involves repairing the hippocampus."
June 15, 2015
This book approached the issue of empathy from all sorts of angles: developmental psychology, sociology, history, etc. I thought the case studies the authors used to show how empathy develops (or doesn't) in children were particularly useful, and they also connected lack of empathy to economic inequality in a way that I rarely see other authors do. It's not surprising that deficits in empathy have such major implications in society.
However, I think the authors were a little too careless with their biological explanations; while genetics and evolution certainly have a huge role to play in the development and usefulness of therapy, I'm pretty skeptical about the claim that, for instance, teenage girls are so concerned with fitting in because of their biological instinct to find a supportive community in which to raise children, or that people like music with certain rhythms because it reminds them of being in the womb. Like, if you're going to make a claim like that, you have GOT to cite some evidence. And the authors do cite lots of studies, which is great, but they don't necessarily cite studies to back up the outlandish claims I've just mentioned, and others like them.
The authors also did that annoying thing so many writers do where they insert random references to ~screen time~ and ~Facebook~ without ever making any clear claims about how these things supposedly make everything awful. They did have one anecdote about a boy who was literally raised by the TV because his mom had severe postpartum depression and basically ignored him, and while the authors were careful to note that the problem here was not primarily television but the lack of maternal care, they then imply that this has some sort of implications for a society in which children watch a lot of TV. I'm not seeing it.
Finally, while I realize I'm nitpicking one sentence, I was highly disturbed by this: "Of course, sometimes it is necessary to end harmful relationships--but this should be a last resort, not a first suggestion." Did they miss the word "harmful" in that sentence? This suggestion is outright dangerous in a society in which battered women are still frequently told that it's their responsibility to get their partners to stop beating them.
Overall, I recommend this, with the aforementioned reservations. Take the biological claims with a grain of salt and look for actual research evidence where none is being cited.
However, I think the authors were a little too careless with their biological explanations; while genetics and evolution certainly have a huge role to play in the development and usefulness of therapy, I'm pretty skeptical about the claim that, for instance, teenage girls are so concerned with fitting in because of their biological instinct to find a supportive community in which to raise children, or that people like music with certain rhythms because it reminds them of being in the womb. Like, if you're going to make a claim like that, you have GOT to cite some evidence. And the authors do cite lots of studies, which is great, but they don't necessarily cite studies to back up the outlandish claims I've just mentioned, and others like them.
The authors also did that annoying thing so many writers do where they insert random references to ~screen time~ and ~Facebook~ without ever making any clear claims about how these things supposedly make everything awful. They did have one anecdote about a boy who was literally raised by the TV because his mom had severe postpartum depression and basically ignored him, and while the authors were careful to note that the problem here was not primarily television but the lack of maternal care, they then imply that this has some sort of implications for a society in which children watch a lot of TV. I'm not seeing it.
Finally, while I realize I'm nitpicking one sentence, I was highly disturbed by this: "Of course, sometimes it is necessary to end harmful relationships--but this should be a last resort, not a first suggestion." Did they miss the word "harmful" in that sentence? This suggestion is outright dangerous in a society in which battered women are still frequently told that it's their responsibility to get their partners to stop beating them.
Overall, I recommend this, with the aforementioned reservations. Take the biological claims with a grain of salt and look for actual research evidence where none is being cited.
June 3, 2023
There is a LOT of GREAT stuff in the book.
But it’s a little dated as it was written in 2009, and grounded in psychology (as opposed to neuroscience as is the case with Dr. Perry’s other books), and as such I was (personally) a little board and underwhelmed despite the ABSOLUTELY life affirming messaging.
😐
So 3/5 (lukewarm) stars ✨
Read Dr. Perry and Oprah’s SPECTACULAR What Happened to You, and Dr. Perry’s almost as spectacular The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog first.
Save this one for last.
But it’s a little dated as it was written in 2009, and grounded in psychology (as opposed to neuroscience as is the case with Dr. Perry’s other books), and as such I was (personally) a little board and underwhelmed despite the ABSOLUTELY life affirming messaging.
😐
So 3/5 (lukewarm) stars ✨
Read Dr. Perry and Oprah’s SPECTACULAR What Happened to You, and Dr. Perry’s almost as spectacular The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog first.
Save this one for last.
March 14, 2025
doctor perry, it seems i've grown quite fond of your work. although i feel i've learned a lot about empathy and leading with understanding, i'm always shocked when i read a book such as this one and feel my mind sway towards severe punishment to abusers, as opposed to getting them proper psychological help.. hmm hmm hmm lots 2 learn, lots 2 unlearn..
November 11, 2019
Why Empathy is this important?
Because your very survival depends on it. We are one of the few species that have their babies taken care of by other adults apart from their parents, so cues that a baby gives, and hopefully that the adults percieve are essential for this dependent tiny being! Also, they might not speak but their gestuelles and micro behaviours are so loud for empaths to see!
As for it being a personal pick, I think that this was natural after being fully immersed in Brene Brown talks and books about vulnerability.
Empathy is being able to be in another person shoes... Which if taken too seriously is probably a mark of sociopathy... But that's rare! And it's called manipulation... (I remember writing a small little article about empathy - LIFE CLICHÉS (0): WHY WORDS INSTEAD OF IMAGES ?
)
Babies and children are most affected by our lack of empathy... In that sense that it doesn't help them build up their social capacities: there was this dystopian example of a child in the book, in which he was almost raised by the tv screen, his vocabluary is in fact limited to what he watched - without supervision - talking and behaving like an ad...
And as much as face to face communication is important, social interaction and talking to babies seems to have a positive impact later on on their life, not scolding them, more like having a real one sided conversation (which is crazy when you think of it) with babies.
Another highlight of the book was: Parenthood illetracy...
I loved it when the authors said that if one knew how much it takes to be good parents you'd always want to delay it. In one example in the US, they made young teens take courses on parenting, and it seems that it lowered the rate of teen pregnancy.
And to become more literate, I suggest mixing this one with a few other parenting books, such that affirm that part of being a parent comes naturally, but then if you know you're a dysfunctional adult, please do read as much as you can about it!
Because this is the first time I read an indirect parenting book which says that you should spoil your babies at least until 2 y.o, and debunks the myth of taking some time before responding to their whims, and that recommends wholeheartedly making some effort to learn about parenting...
And maybe to sum it up as I have already wrote in my blog piece : Empathy is the language of the future... Where communication is something as fluid, as in Avatar movie.
Because your very survival depends on it. We are one of the few species that have their babies taken care of by other adults apart from their parents, so cues that a baby gives, and hopefully that the adults percieve are essential for this dependent tiny being! Also, they might not speak but their gestuelles and micro behaviours are so loud for empaths to see!
As for it being a personal pick, I think that this was natural after being fully immersed in Brene Brown talks and books about vulnerability.
Empathy is being able to be in another person shoes... Which if taken too seriously is probably a mark of sociopathy... But that's rare! And it's called manipulation... (I remember writing a small little article about empathy - LIFE CLICHÉS (0): WHY WORDS INSTEAD OF IMAGES ?
)
Babies and children are most affected by our lack of empathy... In that sense that it doesn't help them build up their social capacities: there was this dystopian example of a child in the book, in which he was almost raised by the tv screen, his vocabluary is in fact limited to what he watched - without supervision - talking and behaving like an ad...
And as much as face to face communication is important, social interaction and talking to babies seems to have a positive impact later on on their life, not scolding them, more like having a real one sided conversation (which is crazy when you think of it) with babies.
Another highlight of the book was: Parenthood illetracy...
I loved it when the authors said that if one knew how much it takes to be good parents you'd always want to delay it. In one example in the US, they made young teens take courses on parenting, and it seems that it lowered the rate of teen pregnancy.
And to become more literate, I suggest mixing this one with a few other parenting books, such that affirm that part of being a parent comes naturally, but then if you know you're a dysfunctional adult, please do read as much as you can about it!
Because this is the first time I read an indirect parenting book which says that you should spoil your babies at least until 2 y.o, and debunks the myth of taking some time before responding to their whims, and that recommends wholeheartedly making some effort to learn about parenting...
And maybe to sum it up as I have already wrote in my blog piece : Empathy is the language of the future... Where communication is something as fluid, as in Avatar movie.
December 5, 2016
I really enjoyed this book and felt like I really learned a lot but... I had to force myself to sit down and finish it. This definitely wasn't the book I thought it was going to be. I had the misconception that this was going to be a book that relates empathy with social awareness and social context of today. Although some of these things were discussed, the book was primarily about how our brains develop empathy and the dangers of a deficit of it. It was much more of an educational book on neuroscience and child rearing than I anticipated but it definitely made me excited to become a foster mother and a better idea of how I would like to raise my kids and approach a variety of different situations. The reason I gave this 3 instead of 4 stars is because I did have to force myself through it and was a little tedious at times.
September 6, 2013
This is it--definitely my recommendation for the year. EVERYONE should know this!!!
Wonder if/how it would have changed my parenting if I'd read it B.K. (before kids).
Seriously I could NOT stop thinking about all the great material in here and I wanted to talk about it with everyone I saw (sorry if I was annoying). I still do.
I'm going to buy and re-read this book, and see if I can get my husband to read selections as well.
One downer-- it fades at the end. It took me 10 times longer to read the last bit than all the previous chapters. I just kept dozing off or my mind wandered... so there's definitely some difficulty with the wrap up, summary part. But the book didn't need it.
Another downer--now that I know all this, it is quite disheartening to see more clearly what would make my family/school/neighborhood/country/health care BETTER and realize how little I can do. All my suspicions about us/them and "keeping up with the Jones's" are borne out, and the watered down health care plan we have coming will only draw more criticism; and I have no hope that things will improve.
Also, I realize that my facial expressions mean more than I thought, especially to my kids.
Last downer--I found and read this book for a very particular reason, and it didn't answer my own personal problem at all. If anything, the very basic premise undermines my evaluation. I would love love love to hear what Dr. Perry would say about my situation, but that's not the scope of this book, or any other I can find.
Particularly and heartily recommended to
-my mom (but she already knows most of it)
-Mike
-Alison?
-Carli
-Heather
-all my friends who have children, plan to have children, complain about national health care, or who find so much pleasure in mocking fans of certain sports teams.
Wonder if/how it would have changed my parenting if I'd read it B.K. (before kids).
Seriously I could NOT stop thinking about all the great material in here and I wanted to talk about it with everyone I saw (sorry if I was annoying). I still do.
I'm going to buy and re-read this book, and see if I can get my husband to read selections as well.
One downer-- it fades at the end. It took me 10 times longer to read the last bit than all the previous chapters. I just kept dozing off or my mind wandered... so there's definitely some difficulty with the wrap up, summary part. But the book didn't need it.
Another downer--now that I know all this, it is quite disheartening to see more clearly what would make my family/school/neighborhood/country/health care BETTER and realize how little I can do. All my suspicions about us/them and "keeping up with the Jones's" are borne out, and the watered down health care plan we have coming will only draw more criticism; and I have no hope that things will improve.
Also, I realize that my facial expressions mean more than I thought, especially to my kids.
Last downer--I found and read this book for a very particular reason, and it didn't answer my own personal problem at all. If anything, the very basic premise undermines my evaluation. I would love love love to hear what Dr. Perry would say about my situation, but that's not the scope of this book, or any other I can find.
Particularly and heartily recommended to
-my mom (but she already knows most of it)
-Mike
-Alison?
-Carli
-Heather
-all my friends who have children, plan to have children, complain about national health care, or who find so much pleasure in mocking fans of certain sports teams.
March 14, 2024
Wow, what a phenomenal read. As it was published in 2010, some of the terms and research are slightly outdated, but I think so much of this book is incredibly relevant today. Perry's work and research on empathy show how crucial connection and relationship are to child and adolescent development. I am so grateful that I had to read this for my MSW class. I highly recommend this to anyone who has children in their lives - and really, anyone who wants to know more about themselves and the importance of relationships to the development of empathy.
August 4, 2019
Dr. Bruce Perry has written now two books that have changed my perspective on life. This book is riveting, terrifying, and inspiring all in one. A must-read.
January 31, 2023
Great book about the importance of connection. Well written but also easy to read.
November 20, 2013
I really can't be bothered to read books that purport to be "scientific", but that don't provide proper notes and references. An author could just make up any old crap (or provide the spin they like best) and if they don't give references for their claims, why should I believe them?
I think it's great to write popular science books, but this shouldn't be at the expense of proper references. (If it makes a book too long, they could be put online.)
I think it's great to write popular science books, but this shouldn't be at the expense of proper references. (If it makes a book too long, they could be put online.)
August 12, 2019
I have mixed feelings about this one. It had some intriguing insights into how the human brain works, particularly in reference to the concept of mirror neurons and the idea that empathy is actually (in part) instinctual and part of human biology. But I think I went into the book with my expectations set too high. I had recently read Perry's first book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook, and was impressed at how elegantly the author struck a balance between engaging stories and informative research. Born for Love, in contrast, did not feel as cohesive. There were less stories to show how the research findings presented played out in real life. And you'd think if there were less stories, there would be more solid research in their place, but nope. There was just more repetition. The book felt longer than it needed to be in places, and the concluding chapter was riddled with editorial mistakes. I'm still glad I read the book, just saying it absolutely was not up to par with the quality of his first book.
Favorite quotes:
"A region called the 'limbic system' surrounds the midbrain -- and this area is critically involved with relationships and emotion. The most 'advanced' -- or at least uniquely human -- parts of the brain are the highest and outermost brain regions, those of the cortex, which allow language, abstract thought, and planning.
Importantly, the widely distributed architecture of the stress response network allows it to 'take over' any parts of the brain needed to respond to a threat, including the 'thinking' cortex. Also important to note is that these brain regions work in concert, so it is impossible to actually separate 'rational thought' from emotion. Even the most sophisticated decisions and analyses require positive or negative emotion; otherwise, it is impossible to determine which choice or idea is 'better' and which isn't. Valuing anything -- even an idea -- as 'good' or 'bad' requires feeling." p.18
"Just as you wouldn't build muscle by resting all week and then trying to lift a hundred pounds just one time every Friday morning, you can't build a healthy stress response system by complete protection from stress or occasional exposure to an overwhelming dose of it." p.38
"Empathy and disgust, in fact, are mediated in part by the same brain region -- and having a high level of one may be linked with having high levels of the other. One reason people seem to respond instinctively with horror to malformed faces is because they imagine that having the defect is painful or that it must be unbearable to have others respond to you by flinching. The distress that this produces in the viewer may be so intensely upsetting that they respond not by being kind or reaching out to the victim, but by avoidance. The emotions aroused by feeling deeply empathetic may actually sometimes prevent a genuinely kind and empathetic response!" p.43
"[C]ollege students studying engineering, math, and physics are six times more likely to have a close autistic relative compared with those majoring in literature." p.78
"Sam notes that people who aren't autistic are also 'rather lousy at understanding inner state of minds too different from their own -- but the nonautistic majority gets a free pass because if they assume that the other person's mind works like their own, they have a much better chance of being right.'" p.82
"When researchers bumped into people born and raised in the southern United States and called them 'asshole,' their levels of the stress hormone cortisol and of testosterone were much more likely to rise than when the same thing was done to their Yankee counterparts. The southerners were also much more likely to support the use of violence when presented with a scenario in which another man hit on their fiancee. And in the American South, there is a long history and tradition of defending one's honor through violence -- as well as an ongoing elevation in violent crime associated with insults and 'disrespect.'" p.115
"Fear actually shuts down the higher regions of the brain, the areas of the prefrontal cortex involved in planning, creative thinking, and considering long-term consequences. Individuals who are always threatened cannot reason to their maximal capacity. When needing to fight or flee, too much reflection is not a good thing, so shutting down the contemplative part of the brain makes good sense when experiencing fear." p.116
"Who among us remembers what happened when we were a year old? In fact, all of us do -- but these memories aren't conscious, simply foundational. They program our genes and our brains to face a particular type of world; they calibrate the degree to which we will take pleasure in relationships." p.143
"Childhood trauma is a critically overlooked factor in the obesity epidemic -- and in virtually every other major cause of death studied. The risks for heart disease, stroke, depression, diabetes, asthma, and even many cancers are all affected by trauma-related changes in the stress response system." p.162
"In fact, research that has followed teenagers into adulthood finds that those who follow the crowd tend to be healthier than those tho ignore it. Adolescents who care about how other people see them have more friends, better relationships with their families, better grades -- and more empathy." p.189
"When the brain has to establish upward gaze to enable eye contact, this triggers an automatic perception of mild vulnerability." p.243
"It turns out that the impact of stress on health -- and the way it is affected by hierarchies -- is most related to the amount of control you have over your circumstances and work. What's most stressful is not being in charge and taking responsibility for big decisions -- but instead, being held accountable for outcomes over which you have little or no control." p.246
"[E]conomic inequality is inversely correlated with trust. In other words, the greater the gap between rich and poor, the lower the level of overall trust there is in a society. A large gap between rich and poor typically characterizes nations that stagnate and do not see large improvements in people's health and happiness over time. For example, these are some of the nations with the world's highest levels of inequality: Iraq, Afghanistan, Congo, Sudan, and Chad Many of the world's 'trouble spots' are marked by the largest gaps between rich and poor." p.279
"[I]f you have a large, strong social network, the loss of any one link in it is simply not as devastating as it is if your network is smaller and weaker." p.285
"Why would giving to others help the giver -- reducing chronic pain and depression, even extending life? Because kind social contact relieves distress, reducing the toll chronically high levels of stress hormones take on the body. How could self-centeredness decrease survival rates from heart disease? By cutting social contact and elevating levels of those same hormones. Why is cuteness so appealing? Because it's one way that the brain's social networks link nurture and pleasure. Why do money and possessions so rarely bring the happiness we expect? Because they often distance us from one another, rather than bringing us closer, emphasizing status gaps, not narrowing them. And, finally, what causes much of life's most agonizing pain? This, too, is related to relationships -- those we lose, fail to maintain, or that become one-sided or abusive. All of these phenomena are connected by the fact that brain development is utterly reliant on empathetic nurture -- and that humans evolved as profoundly social creatures." p.291
Favorite quotes:
"A region called the 'limbic system' surrounds the midbrain -- and this area is critically involved with relationships and emotion. The most 'advanced' -- or at least uniquely human -- parts of the brain are the highest and outermost brain regions, those of the cortex, which allow language, abstract thought, and planning.
Importantly, the widely distributed architecture of the stress response network allows it to 'take over' any parts of the brain needed to respond to a threat, including the 'thinking' cortex. Also important to note is that these brain regions work in concert, so it is impossible to actually separate 'rational thought' from emotion. Even the most sophisticated decisions and analyses require positive or negative emotion; otherwise, it is impossible to determine which choice or idea is 'better' and which isn't. Valuing anything -- even an idea -- as 'good' or 'bad' requires feeling." p.18
"Just as you wouldn't build muscle by resting all week and then trying to lift a hundred pounds just one time every Friday morning, you can't build a healthy stress response system by complete protection from stress or occasional exposure to an overwhelming dose of it." p.38
"Empathy and disgust, in fact, are mediated in part by the same brain region -- and having a high level of one may be linked with having high levels of the other. One reason people seem to respond instinctively with horror to malformed faces is because they imagine that having the defect is painful or that it must be unbearable to have others respond to you by flinching. The distress that this produces in the viewer may be so intensely upsetting that they respond not by being kind or reaching out to the victim, but by avoidance. The emotions aroused by feeling deeply empathetic may actually sometimes prevent a genuinely kind and empathetic response!" p.43
"[C]ollege students studying engineering, math, and physics are six times more likely to have a close autistic relative compared with those majoring in literature." p.78
"Sam notes that people who aren't autistic are also 'rather lousy at understanding inner state of minds too different from their own -- but the nonautistic majority gets a free pass because if they assume that the other person's mind works like their own, they have a much better chance of being right.'" p.82
"When researchers bumped into people born and raised in the southern United States and called them 'asshole,' their levels of the stress hormone cortisol and of testosterone were much more likely to rise than when the same thing was done to their Yankee counterparts. The southerners were also much more likely to support the use of violence when presented with a scenario in which another man hit on their fiancee. And in the American South, there is a long history and tradition of defending one's honor through violence -- as well as an ongoing elevation in violent crime associated with insults and 'disrespect.'" p.115
"Fear actually shuts down the higher regions of the brain, the areas of the prefrontal cortex involved in planning, creative thinking, and considering long-term consequences. Individuals who are always threatened cannot reason to their maximal capacity. When needing to fight or flee, too much reflection is not a good thing, so shutting down the contemplative part of the brain makes good sense when experiencing fear." p.116
"Who among us remembers what happened when we were a year old? In fact, all of us do -- but these memories aren't conscious, simply foundational. They program our genes and our brains to face a particular type of world; they calibrate the degree to which we will take pleasure in relationships." p.143
"Childhood trauma is a critically overlooked factor in the obesity epidemic -- and in virtually every other major cause of death studied. The risks for heart disease, stroke, depression, diabetes, asthma, and even many cancers are all affected by trauma-related changes in the stress response system." p.162
"In fact, research that has followed teenagers into adulthood finds that those who follow the crowd tend to be healthier than those tho ignore it. Adolescents who care about how other people see them have more friends, better relationships with their families, better grades -- and more empathy." p.189
"When the brain has to establish upward gaze to enable eye contact, this triggers an automatic perception of mild vulnerability." p.243
"It turns out that the impact of stress on health -- and the way it is affected by hierarchies -- is most related to the amount of control you have over your circumstances and work. What's most stressful is not being in charge and taking responsibility for big decisions -- but instead, being held accountable for outcomes over which you have little or no control." p.246
"[E]conomic inequality is inversely correlated with trust. In other words, the greater the gap between rich and poor, the lower the level of overall trust there is in a society. A large gap between rich and poor typically characterizes nations that stagnate and do not see large improvements in people's health and happiness over time. For example, these are some of the nations with the world's highest levels of inequality: Iraq, Afghanistan, Congo, Sudan, and Chad Many of the world's 'trouble spots' are marked by the largest gaps between rich and poor." p.279
"[I]f you have a large, strong social network, the loss of any one link in it is simply not as devastating as it is if your network is smaller and weaker." p.285
"Why would giving to others help the giver -- reducing chronic pain and depression, even extending life? Because kind social contact relieves distress, reducing the toll chronically high levels of stress hormones take on the body. How could self-centeredness decrease survival rates from heart disease? By cutting social contact and elevating levels of those same hormones. Why is cuteness so appealing? Because it's one way that the brain's social networks link nurture and pleasure. Why do money and possessions so rarely bring the happiness we expect? Because they often distance us from one another, rather than bringing us closer, emphasizing status gaps, not narrowing them. And, finally, what causes much of life's most agonizing pain? This, too, is related to relationships -- those we lose, fail to maintain, or that become one-sided or abusive. All of these phenomena are connected by the fact that brain development is utterly reliant on empathetic nurture -- and that humans evolved as profoundly social creatures." p.291
January 5, 2022
I have loved every one of Perry’s books, this one included. There were times when I had a lot of emotions about what he was saying, reflecting back on my own childhood and circumstances of development, and had to pause at times to digest.
In his usual style, he uses examples from his practice to illustrate larger themes about child development. The cases are always very memorable and this presentation makes the often complex information much easier to digest. More than I remember from his other books, he talks about special periods for learning, when children are most sensitive or available to particular imprinting. He presents cases of both deprivation and resilience and in the book seemed even more clear to me about the origins of sociopathy as being rooted in infant sensory deprivation, as being more neurological than psychological.
There was some unevenness, I thought, to a few parts. The first was the part about weight and obesity being a way to protect or manage early trauma. I don’t think he is wrong, but this seemed more like a theory he was laying out than any kind of practical or clinical application. The case example he used to illustrate this was struggling still.
The other was about resilience and empathy. This is same example was used to challenge the idea that victims become abusers and that certain qualities lead to resilience. The best I could understand h saying was that her ability to see the best in people, the few times her abusive father was kind, for example, helped her retain or encourage empathy. This felt a little chicken and egg, was she already temperamentally empathetic or naïve or as a trauma response has she learned to selectively only see the good in others (common in children of narcissists). Early in the chapter, she says “my parents are good people, they just made bad decisions”. This seems empathetic, but after learning more about her parents it sounds more like a trauma response. Her parents are objectively selfish people that repeatedly made bad decisions that negatively impacted others, including harming, abusing, neglecting, abandoning, and killing small children.
I think her empathy can be better explained as part of her trauma rather than heath.
In his usual style, he uses examples from his practice to illustrate larger themes about child development. The cases are always very memorable and this presentation makes the often complex information much easier to digest. More than I remember from his other books, he talks about special periods for learning, when children are most sensitive or available to particular imprinting. He presents cases of both deprivation and resilience and in the book seemed even more clear to me about the origins of sociopathy as being rooted in infant sensory deprivation, as being more neurological than psychological.
There was some unevenness, I thought, to a few parts. The first was the part about weight and obesity being a way to protect or manage early trauma. I don’t think he is wrong, but this seemed more like a theory he was laying out than any kind of practical or clinical application. The case example he used to illustrate this was struggling still.
The other was about resilience and empathy. This is same example was used to challenge the idea that victims become abusers and that certain qualities lead to resilience. The best I could understand h saying was that her ability to see the best in people, the few times her abusive father was kind, for example, helped her retain or encourage empathy. This felt a little chicken and egg, was she already temperamentally empathetic or naïve or as a trauma response has she learned to selectively only see the good in others (common in children of narcissists). Early in the chapter, she says “my parents are good people, they just made bad decisions”. This seems empathetic, but after learning more about her parents it sounds more like a trauma response. Her parents are objectively selfish people that repeatedly made bad decisions that negatively impacted others, including harming, abusing, neglecting, abandoning, and killing small children.
I think her empathy can be better explained as part of her trauma rather than heath.
February 19, 2021
This book was recommended to me by one of my social work professors. Bruce covers so much in this book, and as someone just entering the non-fiction/psychology genre, this was easy to follow and understand. Every chapter has potent case studies that are used to explain specific points. While it is very sad at some points overall, it is a very hopeful book that reaffirms my hope in humanity.
One point I appreciated was how western culture puts a lot of responsibility on the immediate family and especially the mother. Bruce explains how it has not always been this way and pretty much expands on the idea, “it takes a village to raise a child”. Traditionally extended family was very involved in the raising of children.
I also liked his explanation of the "us against you" ideology. Empathy is being destroyed when we view our neighbours as “other”. Racism, classism, and sexism create lines and help us dehumanize those who are different from us. For example, immigrants receive discrimination for many reasons, including our unwillingness to hear their stories and see them as people.
As a future social worker, it is encouraging to hear Bruce say that human connection and relationships are scientifically proven to make life worth living. Themes like this have played themselves out in my life, and it is nice to hear my experiences and feelings reinforced. Bruce’s call to action to raise children who will create a society we want was humbling. He believes that what we are doing is not enough and that instead of only looking at immediate economic reward, we need to prioritize people and relationships.
One point I appreciated was how western culture puts a lot of responsibility on the immediate family and especially the mother. Bruce explains how it has not always been this way and pretty much expands on the idea, “it takes a village to raise a child”. Traditionally extended family was very involved in the raising of children.
I also liked his explanation of the "us against you" ideology. Empathy is being destroyed when we view our neighbours as “other”. Racism, classism, and sexism create lines and help us dehumanize those who are different from us. For example, immigrants receive discrimination for many reasons, including our unwillingness to hear their stories and see them as people.
As a future social worker, it is encouraging to hear Bruce say that human connection and relationships are scientifically proven to make life worth living. Themes like this have played themselves out in my life, and it is nice to hear my experiences and feelings reinforced. Bruce’s call to action to raise children who will create a society we want was humbling. He believes that what we are doing is not enough and that instead of only looking at immediate economic reward, we need to prioritize people and relationships.
December 12, 2024
A book about relational health. Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential and Endangered talks about how improving our connections through empathy has a positive impact in direct and indirect ways. Community, collaboration and connection are in increased need due to the rapid technological changes in our world.
We don't value empathy enough, it's not a warm fuzzy feeling. Empathy is essential for everything from health to economy, it makes the modern world posible. It's not weak, or maternal/female. It allows us to relieve stress and is essential for human joy. Becoming conscious of our lack of empathy is the first step to recovery. Reduce screen time, increase face to face interactions.
Will empathy solve all the world's problems? No, but few problems can be solved without it.
We don't value empathy enough, it's not a warm fuzzy feeling. Empathy is essential for everything from health to economy, it makes the modern world posible. It's not weak, or maternal/female. It allows us to relieve stress and is essential for human joy. Becoming conscious of our lack of empathy is the first step to recovery. Reduce screen time, increase face to face interactions.
Will empathy solve all the world's problems? No, but few problems can be solved without it.
August 23, 2019
In the beginning I was intrigued with the exploration of just how important relationship/connection is for humans and how we develop (or fail to develop) empathy. Eventually this book just turned into information overload. I could not finish. It is not useless, so I'd still say it's worth exploring.
August 6, 2020
A great book for any person who wants to have children, has young children or who works with children to learn more about how empathy is developed and how the nervous system is wired through connection with several close caregivers to help children connect with others in our world and become resilient, empathic adults.
June 2, 2023
Mastered the purpose/topic/genre?
• YES
Narration?
• Meh
Peeve-?
• There was some political targeting.
Something I learned, appreciated or enjoyed-?
• Dr. Perry and Maia are masters at breaking down actual brain science and giving me something simple I can do to make lives better.
Quip/Quote?
• Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty. - Virginia Satir
• YES
Narration?
• Meh
Peeve-?
• There was some political targeting.
Something I learned, appreciated or enjoyed-?
• Dr. Perry and Maia are masters at breaking down actual brain science and giving me something simple I can do to make lives better.
Quip/Quote?
• Most people prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty. - Virginia Satir
February 23, 2024
4.5 ⭐️
Interesting and heartwarming. This book was one of the best pop science books I’ve ever read. It was clearly well-researched and similarly well-written. It exists as a reminder of what it means to be human, and how important the love and experiences we share are for our world.
-1/2 star for mild syntax and structural errors. Very abrupt ending.
Interesting and heartwarming. This book was one of the best pop science books I’ve ever read. It was clearly well-researched and similarly well-written. It exists as a reminder of what it means to be human, and how important the love and experiences we share are for our world.
-1/2 star for mild syntax and structural errors. Very abrupt ending.
July 28, 2025
some chapters were really good. i didnt know this book is like meant for parents so i went into it expecting an exploration on society and everything but it was still an eye-opening read. i learned so much. the last chapter is like a really long-winded recap of the whole book and i got bored so i dnf at that point but i would still considered i read the whole book.
June 23, 2023
My third book by Bruce Perry and I can’t get enough of his work. Unapologetic in his criticisms of current social norms around child rearing and yet, never lacking EMPATHY for why people adapt the way they do.
January 11, 2025
Had the potential to be a good modern update to Perry’s previous work. Not tightly written, especially in comparison to the cohesiveness, narrative flow, and relevant clinical tie-ins in The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog - which was disappointing because these cases were just as interesting. feel like you can read the Perry was less involved in this book.
February 6, 2020
Another great book written by Dr. Perry and his counterpart. If you’re interested in psychology, particularly child psychology, this is a must read!
December 31, 2020
The information in this book is interesting and so important but this was a difficult book to read. The writing was too academic. I was always falling asleep while reading it.
February 28, 2021
Good scientific book with background on the "why". It's dry (as expected) but good info.
April 2, 2024
4.25/5. I read this for an occupational therapy school book club! students in healthcare should take the time to add this to their reading !!
December 16, 2024
This book was phenomenal.
That's it, that's the review. Read it!
That's it, that's the review. Read it!
January 8, 2025
I reread this frequently. Like boy who was raised as a dog, this one is great for insight into human behaviors.
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