Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America

by Mel White

Until Christmans Eve 1991, Mel White was regarded by the leaders of the religious right as one of their most talented and productive supporters. He penned the speeches of Ollie North. He was a ghostwriter for Jerry Falwell, worked with Jim Bakker, flew in Pat Robertson's private jet, walked sandy beaches with Billy Graham. What these men didn't know was that Mel White—evangelical minister, committed Christian, family man—was gay. In this remarkable book, Mel White details his twenty-five years of being counseled, exorcised, electric-shocked, prayed for, and nearly driven to suicide because his church said homosexuality was wrong. But his salvation—to be openly gay and Christian—is more than a unique coming-out story. It is a chilling exposé that goes right into the secret meetings and hidden agendas of the religious right. Told by an eyewitness and sure to anger those Mel White once knew best, Stranger at the Gate is a warning about where the politics of hate may lead America … a brave book by a good man whose words can make us richer in spirit and much wiser too.

Genres: Nonfiction, Religion, LGBT, Memoir, Queer, Christianity, Biography

347 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1994

About the author

James Melville "Mel" White is an American clergyman and author. White was a behind-the-scenes member of the Evangelical Protestant movement through the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s, writing film and television specials and ghostwriting auto-biographies for televangelists such as Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Billy Graham. After years of writing for the Christian right, he came out as gay in 1994 and devoted himself full-time to minister to lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender people, also writing extensively on the subject of gay Christians.

Reviews

[Mimi Lindborg Jove · Rating 5 out of 5]

For any Christian who struggles with the issue of homosexuality (especially if he/she wonders if people are born gay, or choose to be gay)...this book will help. Mel White grew up in a Strict Baptist home and knew he was different from a very young age. He fought it every way he knew how; prayer, confession, good deeds, penance, and electro-shock treatment. His final "fight" was his long term marriage. His ex-wife writes a moving forward in the book and they are today close friends. As someone who is close to many, many gay people (I think I attract them! LOL) who are Christians, this book is liberating and validating. For straight people who do not understand any of it, this book will teach compassion. One cannot read this heartbreaking story and wonder about nature or nurture.

Years ago my mother had a dear friend who was like a son to her. She led the search committee that brought this talented young man to our church as the Director of Music in Orlando, FL. She had been an Elder at the church for 30 years. He was well loved by the congregants. He was also gay. This fact had been disclosed during the hiring process, but at the time he promised only that it wouldn't interfere with the mission of directing music at the church. He further promised to never do anything that would embarrass the church. He was hired. He had been in a long term relationship by then, and several years after he had come to the church he and his partner took a vacation to California where they had a commitment ceremony. He came back wearing a ring. Now many of the choir members (particularly the older members) had not picked up on the fact that he was gay. They loved him and were constantly trying to fix him up with their daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. He decided that wearing a ring would be a subtle clue to these matchmakers that he was not available. However, he decision to wear that wedding ring did not sit well with some of the more conservative (and influential) members of the church. He was fired. No severance. No notice. No nothing.
My mom was furious and left the church. When she died 7 years later,(April 21, 2005) he played (at her request) music for her memorial service at the Methodist Church across the street. Two weeks ago, (May 2011) the Presbyterian Church voted that the denomination could ordain homosexuals as clergy. Too late for our old choir director....but I'm sure my mom is cheering in heaven!
My mom used to buy this book in bulk to hand out to troubled, confused, gay Christians AND troubled, confused, straight Christians. She was a 60 something, divorced, white, straight, republican, conservative GAY RIGHTS ACTIVIST. I was so proud of her. She KNEW that the God she believed in loved Gay children of God as much a he loved her and she made it her mission to teach others. Today she would be proud of the Presbyterian Church that caused her and her "son", the Gay Choir Director, so much pain. I'm not sure that the local church is on board with the decision of the denomination...but they are (hopefully) on the right track.

[L.A. Witt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in two sittings. It's...amazing. And heartbreaking. And should be required reading for anyone who's ever had to struggle with reconciling religion + homosexuality, regardless of where you stand on the issue. It's an excruciatingly honest account of someone who tried desperately to live as a straight man, but realized he couldn't change this aspect of himself. Also, massive kudos to the guy's now-ex-wife for being mature, loving and just generally amazing through the multi-decade ordeal.

Just an awesome book.

[Maegan Roper · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wasn't quite sure how I felt about his view on the subject of homosexulaity & Christianity. It definately was eye- opening to learn the difficulties that most proclaimed Christians endure when discovering that they're attracted to the same sex, then trying to evaluate what that means for them spiritually. I do have a great deal of respect for the author and his boldness to share his story. If you're struggling with this subject, no matter what your sexual orienation, I encourage you to deeply search God's Word and seek His wisdom in developing your outlook, before taking someone else's word for solid truth.

[Dave Swavely · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book recently as a part of a thoroughgoing attempt to understand the experience of Christians who identify themselves as gay, so I can be a better pastor and friend to people like that. I'm reading two books by men who believe that God made them gay and that lifestyle is compatible with Christianity (this one and Torn by Justin Lee) and two books by men who have always had same-sex attraction but don't believe they should act on it (Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill and Out of a Far Country by Christopher Yuen). I found Mel White's book to be very interesting, for some reasons he intended and some he didn't, and gave it three stars because it did well what it was intended to do--tell his story and explain why he thinks Christianity and homosexuality are compatible. But I only gave him three stars because I thought some of his interpretations of Scripture were in the category of what my seminary professors called "exegetical gymnastics."

[Tim April · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is one of the ways Holly and I learned a lot and is one of the reasons our marriage is stronger now. It really opened our eyes to the reality that God creates us Straight, Gay, Bi, or Trans and that we can be the men/women that He created us to be and still love God and be loved by God and spend an eternity with our Lord and Savior.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mel White has done amazing things for the LGBT community when it comes to faith justice. This book and his involvement in the MCC sort of "started it all" for him. He has now moved into the territory of civil disobedience with the aim of achieving equal rights for the LGBT community by founding "Soulforce." I have nothing but respect for him and his work.

[Shane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was one of the most impactful books of inclusiveness and educated realness I have ever read! It truly depicts the depths and realities that people go through when seeking religion in their lives and the ignorant rhetoric that often surrounds it! Well done Mel White!

[mental ensemble · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I read this earlier in my life. I could have spared my queer friends and self so much pain from the homophobia I was raised in. It is ridiculous that this book came out in 1994 and every church did not immediately change to gay affirming doctrine. I think Mel makes an important connection between homophobic churches and the suffering and death of queer people. Its well past time for the Church to own up the the pain they have caused the LGBTQIA+ community and change its ways. I feel lucky to have come out at a more excepting time in secular culture and angry at how slowly the churches have moved toward queer affirming doctrine. Its ridiculous that even though we are 54 years apart in age I related a lot to Mel's experience growing up gay and christian in america. I am so thankful to Mel and other queer Christians who stories have saved me years of pain and hiding. I am so thankful for the encouragement to embrace who God has created me to be and to support others as they do the same.

[Mediaman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Fascinating but deeply flawed life story from an infamous one-time evangelical who set himself and his selfish desires above history, family, the Bible, and God. It's not worth reading if you get upset easily at a supposed Christian's attempt to justify his sinfulness and bad theology; but it is a way to figure out why Mel White turned out the way he did.

And the answer isn't, despite what he claims, that he was "born with...sexual orientation (that) is involuntary, something that happens to two gametes at conception." That was hogwash (and a somewhat shocking statement) when written in 1994, and still unable to be proven today. It never will be based on scientific certainty since you are unable to measure sexual orientation at a young age and will never be able to guarantee everyone is honest when they're old enough to voice their desires.

So what White chooses to do is look back at his life through the lens that assumes he was homosexual from conception, and he revises his history by spinning it that way. He goes overboard to claim it was a "gift from God." He blames himself only for not accepting that gift earlier, and once he does start to come out he begins to make broad unfair statements about the church and family as being the reason for his unhappiness.

Often he contradicts himself, such as at one point admitting, "I was gay, but in those days, I didn't know it. All through high school, college, grad school, and the first years of teaching." Yet all those years are included in this book with stories about how he knew he was gay from childhood and felt unable to act on it. He even tells of a couple of college guys he was slightly physical with (he kissed one, he let the other play with him in bed) who had terrible endings (one to suicide, the other life in a mental institution). Oh, which one is it, Mel? Did you know you were gay before your mid-20s or not?

White tells some odd stories, a few self-incriminating, and one that is just head-shaking. In chapter six he actually compares his homosexuality to having cancer--saying it's not incurable and a person just needs to admit that he has it. I'm not sure many in the LGBTQ community would appreciate their same-sex desires to having cancer. Then Mel tells a disturbing story of a Christian friend who gets terminal cancer but trusts God to heal him, refusing to let others talk about the disease. White is so upset at the friend's reaction that one night after they had dinner and a movie together, he goes to the man's house twice in the middle of the night to wake him and get him to start talking about his condition publicly. The second time Mel bluntly just started with, "I'm afraid you're going to die." After hours talking the two end up crying together and hugging, the friend thanking him for facing reality.

But the next day the man was admitted to the hospital and died five days later! The author's point may be to inspire people to admit their homosexuality instead of denying it, but the opposite is what could be taken from the bizarre encounter. Mel White's pressuring a man to give up his battle and go public resulted in almost immediate death, as some in the gay community have discovered when they tell family or church members. Where is the side of the story where things often get worse for someone who makes public what should be left private if that's how they want to handle it?

This isn't the only time his sexual longings are tied to death. The next chapter details his finally having a serious homosexual experience well into adulthood, when he is overcome by the news of 574 people dying after two planes crash in the Canary Islands so he drives around to pick up a male prostitute. The black guy takes Mel home and uses hot oil on the body, which leads White to write, "For some strange reason I remembered the woman anointing Jesus' body in the open tomb. I don't know why this erotic moment would remind me of Jesus' tragic death and burial." Seriously, Mel? It seems pretty obvious why your gay desires are always tied to someone dying, especially Christ, when you literally were putting to death your old self and beginning the start of a new life without the Jesus of your upbringing.

Then White has the audacity to somewhat praise Jim Jones and the People's Temple cult that killed hundreds. After the Guyana tragedy, Mel did a documentary on the surviving relatives at the church in Berkeley, and after the film's release the group's main couple were killed for telling him their story. How can White not feel any sense of guilt for the number of people he has been indirectly responsible for dying? (Including his younger brother, as you'll see later in the review.) And what was his reaction to the couple's deaths? He heads to a Los Angeles gay bathhouse for the first time. This perverted connection between death and his desire for other men is a deep disturbance that he fails to adequately address.

Along the way he meets some other famous people, generously calling Martin Luther King his "friend" (high school senior White was the great preacher's student for a week at a conference center). He explains how King laid the foundation for White's (and society's) mistaken understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ being about two things--salvation and "social evils." He quotes King as telling them, "The Christian gospel is a two-way road. On the one hand it seeks to change the souls of men and thereby unite them with God; on the other hand, it seeks to change the conditions of men so that the soul will have a chance after it is changed."

That was startling to read because it does not accurately represent the gospel at all. Jesus commanded his fathers to preach Him to all nations that they might be saved for heaven, and at no point did He tell them to get involved in politics nor try to change the system that was unfair to some while favoring others. (Remember, Jesus didn't fight slavery or the Roman government's immoral rule, which is still difficult to understand.)

Yes, Jesus said to help the poor and needy but again recall that He personally didn't help all of the poor and sick when He walked the earth. His encouragement to help others was not a suggestion that they attempt to overturn the government or steal from hard-working families in order to give freebies to those that are too lazy to provide for themselves.

Namely, todays liberals and leftists that have claimed this to be part of Jesus's "gospel" are simply wrong (try reading the entire New Testament instead of just quoting from a couple of verses!), and instead of personally give up all they have for the poor (which is what Christ actually commanded) modern rich elitists instead push a type of socialism that tries to force the rest of us of pay for those that mooch off the government (while the leaders remain wealthy). Or they promote "climate change" as being a planet-wide issue that needs funding from our tax dollars then fly off in their personal jets while denying the God that's truly in control of the weather. Or they say "love is love" and since the Bible verse says "God is love" that means He must approve of any way a human wants to love, despite the scripture that says the opposite and Christ's own words saying "a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Or "Why do you call me Lord, Lord, but do not do the things that I say?"

This is White's real problem. He knows how to talk the evangelical language but then denies its truth and power. He distorts just about everything in order to justify his own selfishness, covering all his sins in "grace" and proclaiming that those old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone preachers who stand up for the true gospel are totally out of touch with what Christ really meant. It must be nice for Mel to think he's smarter than 99.99999% of the population that has ever lived on the planet earth. Why, Mel, did God suddenly reveal this to you and a few you admire a couple of thousand years after He revealed something very different to those that actually walked with Jesus?

The obvious answer is that White is simply trying to justify his self-centered longings. I get it and don't judge him for having those desires--we all have things that make us feel good. But don't justify your choices by suddenly changing how you read verses, twisting some scriptures, choosing to ignore others, and then pointing to the messengers that preach the real gospel as being the problem. Maybe the most loving thing believers can do is actually stand up for truth while at the same time showing lots of compassion (as many of those who Mel worked with did).

The irony is that this guy is known for ghost writing others' speeches and memoirs, especially Jerry Falwell, so he's used to fabricating and slanting life stories in order to spin them a certain way. In this case, he tries to do his best with his own history but fails to convince us no matter how hard he tries (and he does try way too hard).

If he would stand back and see the outline of his life story, there was one major turning point that changed him. White had great self-control and was dedicated to the Lord until his early 20s, when some bad choices he made led to his younger brother to be killed in a tragic accident. From that point on White subtly began changing his view of God, no longer truly believing in the loving Biblical creator that asks that we heed His commandments but instead shifted to a need for love to men. It was shortly after the brother's death that he went to a counselor that told him to confess to his wife that he was gay, she told Mel they'd stay together, and then his theology changed to better match the lifestyle he wanted to life. Again, no judgment here. That theory is reflected in all those other stories that connect his reaction to death with his sexual longings. But to then condemn others for their own journeys or attempts to follow God's Biblical plan seems out of place for a guy who preaches "love" and "tolerance."

I certainly can't guess what will happen when he stands before God. To be honest, as White says, all of the focus on some Christians thinking gays are the biggest sinners is embarrassing to the church when there are plenty of other issues people should be focused on. What someone does in the privacy of his or her bedroom is between them and God--unless others are expected to change their behavior too.

But White was one of the first to go beyond that sentiment and claim that all of society would be forced to accept public pride marches filled with hate speech toward traditionalists and put up with woke violence toward anyone that took a different political stand. That certainly was not something Jesus preached nor that should be condoned.

So the question the now aging Mel White must have in his mind is whether he experienced all his "gifts" on earth, and when he gets to the last judgment will he be a stranger at the gate?

[Hilary Mak · Rating 4 out of 5]

Compelling and impacting story of a right wing evangelical Christian who eventually embraces his sexual orientation. This book is quite old now but the issues are still so real. Whatever one thinks on the subject- why is it so hard for some to show grace??

[Audrey Blaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gets 5 stars mainly just for the point it gets across, far ahead of its time. Queerness is often so removed from Christianity and vice versa, and this book argues that this doesn't have to be so. It also offered me great, emotional insight to help me further empathize with those in the queer community who experienced religious trauma. A heavy read, but a valuable one. <3

[elizabeth sawyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a autobiographical account of a deeply religious homosexual man. It is thoughtful and thoroughly explained. He does go into some rebuttal and explanation of anti-gay arguments but it is not an in-depth complete analysis. He really covers a thorough history of American times, stories that have been forgotten and gives his unfolding of changing from being silent to activist, the heart of social justice through the lens of homosexuality. Because it is an older book, it only gives you exposure to the mid 90s though. So much has happened since then, it would be interesting for him to write another book on his take on current climate and conflicts.

I’m not sure all readers can fully understand this man’s references to the evangelical Christian times of 70s/80s/90s but I spent my entire childhood & young adult years with family and friends who that era & the influential people of the conservative right were a mainstay of their spiritual guide with books, tv, donating, etc. My empathy and appeal to his story comes through that personal knowledge. However, I think you can read this book even if you don’t have that reference point.

A large part of many efforts to educate and inform around gay rights is the need for personal connections between diverse individuals; a sentiment we are seeing across many current issues actually not just LGBTQ+. This book if you do not have a wealth of diversity in your personal circle, expands your circle if you are looking for views from a strong Christian gay man.

[Roy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me on a journey that I did not expect: I was made aware of this title by reading Philip Yancy's "What Is So Amazing About Grace" and realised that I had never faced up to pro-homosexuality Christian views. This book seemed to be a good start. First I was a little bit disappointed about the overly personal format. I was more interested in theological debate than a single personal view. But reading on I understood that personal experience and theological understanding must go hand in hand if you are really serious about following Jesus’ footsteps. Jesus himself was a master of living out scripture in very personal and intimate settings, with often surprising results, especially for the religious educated. Through Mel's story, I got a sense of the urgency of this issue and especially the connection of unreflective religious judging to the political agenda of America's "Religious Right" (or "Radical Right" how he calls them in his epilogue). This book was written twenty years ago, but the political agenda of the Religious Right and their influence on the last ill-fated US presidency is more relevant than ever. I felt Stranger At the Gate gave me a history lesson not only about the perplexing wrongness of the Religious Right's agenda, rhetoric and even their doubtful motives but also about the unsettling parallels to Nazi-Germany and their actions against homosexuals (supported or at least tolerated by the majority of morally superior feeling Christian Churches). It is a hard message to fathom and it makes sitting on the fence very uncomfortable. But that's expected as soon as theory becomes personal. I have the feeling Stranger At The Gate will have a lasting impact on me and how I see and will respond to homosexuality.

Apart from the excellent content, the book could have been edited better. I found it was a bit redundant and unnecessarily lengthy in parts. I guess reduced to two-thirds of the pages the book would have been a bit punchier and more focused on the important points it has to make.

[Ben · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very important book chronicling the life of a devout Christian who did everything he could to pray away the gay, but it just didn't work dammit... because the whole notion of "changing" one's sexual orientation is as ridiculous as forcing a leftie to become right-handed. The driver behind this foolish quest is the rhetoric of the religious right, doing what they do best: profiteering by reinforcing deeply held prejudices with selected bible quotes, gross exaggerations and outright lies about the "dangers" posed by the "gay agenda." There is a price to be paid for such hatemongering: thousands of LGBT youth are drowning in a sea of self-hatred, silence, isolation and shame because they have been told that their automatic feelings and desires are sinful and loathsome. Many others who refuse to stay in the closet become victims of discrimination and violence. On the one hand, things have improved greatly for the LGBT community in the 20 years since this book was written: hell, gay marriage is legal now. But the voices of right wing fundamentalists are louder and angrier than ever, particularly when you add Twitter and the blogosphere into the mix. We need courageous voices like that of Mel White to counter this hate and bigotry uttered in Christ's name.

[Jonathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mel White has quite the life story: A former ghost writer for the likes of Jerry Falwell and other conservative Christian honchos, he was married with two children and then came out as a gay man when in his 40s. This account starts with his childhood (as it should) and works up from there to his activism in the present. He is a good writer, but unfortunately this memoir sometimes gets bogged down in self-involvement. He really didn't need to delineate all of his relational-sexual exploits for the reader to understand that his marriage was in peril and his mind was a mess. Written in 1993, his info seems dated sometimes, but the personal stories are heartrending. Here's hoping that his story has at least catalyzed conversations among family, friends, and fellow churchgoers across the nation. The subject matter is so often under rug swept.

[Deborah Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am moved to action

I was raised conservative Christian. My son is gay. This book has helped me understand his struggles and the mark my background made on my own struggles. Andrew suffers from debilitating secondary progressive MS and is bed ridden but God's love overcomes all obsticles. He found love with a young gay man from Columbia. Their relationship is long distance. Thanks to Skype they can talk and share their love for each other. Thanks Mel for finally putting those nagging conservative Christian fears to bed forever. I can now embrace my son's sexual orientation as a gift from God.

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found reading this intensely powerful. It made me feel immense sorrow for the religiously-based beliefs I have held in the past about homosexuality and shock at the things I never knew about the people behind the people who encouraged and fostered these beliefs. Mel White's story is a powerful testimony for greater inclusion and love in the evangelical church for gays and lesbians.

[Pablo Rodriguez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. Mel White's struggle with being gay and Christian helped set me on a journey to reconcile my faith and sexual orientation. A fascinating biography.

[Brenda Eckels Burrows, aMGC · Rating 5 out of 5]

Published at Convergent Streams Magazine Vol. 3 #4
http://www.convergentStreams.org

[Steven H · Rating 5 out of 5]

A GAY MAN WHO WAS AN ‘INSIDER’ TO SEVERAL MINISTRIES TELLS HIS STORY

Author Mel White wrote in the first chapter of this 1994 book, “At a Christian summer camp … when I was twelve years old, a young pastor stood up to teach us something… It was my first real summer camp, and the girls sat on one side of the room giggling and whispering in our direction and the boys sat on the other side pretending not to notice… ‘Masturbation is a gift from God,’ the young minister began… I sat dumbfounded… the pastor continued… ‘it is a natural bodily function that God has given us to relieve sexual pressures when we have no other healthy sexual outlet.’ … I had questions of my own, but I was afraid to ask them. I wanted to know, why didn’t I feel the same way about girls that my friends all seemed to feel?... Why did I think about boys when I lay on my bed at night and performed that previously unspeakable act?” (Pg. 11-12)

He continues, “In those days of my childhood and adolescence… I was dying to hear someone talk frankly about my secret feelings… That terrible aching silence took root in my young psyche and bore poisoned fruit: fear, ignorance, and self-hatred. My natural longings were a sin, or so I thought… I was barely twelve, convinced that I was a sinner, condemned by God, lost for eternity…. I was afraid to mention my fears even to my parents or my pastor. I didn’t even dare to pray about them to God. The absolute silence surrounding the subject of homosexuality gradually engulfed me like a thick, winter fog… Perhaps silence was a kinder enemy, but I still bear the scars of that terrible silence.” (Pg. 13-14)

He explains, “In spite of all the problems they cause our community, I don’t hate Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, or my old clients and friends who lead today’s religious right… My spirit was conceived in the embrace of my conservative Christian parents and new-birthed at the wooden altar railing of their conservative Christian church. From infancy, I was shaped in their image by their Sunday schools and churches, at their youth groups and summer camps, in their Bible clubs and Youth for Christ rallies.” (Pg. 17-18)

As a senior in high school, “I thought if I prayed and fasted, if I witnessed to my faith and ‘led enough people to Christ’…maybe then I would please God enough to be sure that my soul wasn’t lost in hell for all eternity. Even though I carried this ‘dirty little secret,’ maybe I could achieve enough to be acceptable to God in the end.” (Pg. 40)

He recalls, “Years later, when I was ghostwriting Jerry Falwell’s autobiography, I … asked Jerry to explain his side of the story [about the civil rights movement]… Jerry spoke quietly and thoughtfully… ‘We resented those teenage boys for their interference in the lives of our community; but looking back, they were courageous, and it is time that I for one admit it.’ According to Jerry, it wasn’t the marches or the demonstrations on his steps that changed his mind about segregation. It was at least in part the Christian witness of Lewis, and elderly African-American man who [had a] shoeshine business … It was Jerry’s Saturday-morning ritual to have Lewis shine his shoes… But one Saturday morning, not long after the young men from CORE held their pray-in on the steps of the Thomas Road Baptist Church, Lewis asked a question that helped change Jerry’s life forever. ‘Say, Reverend,’ he began softly… ‘when am I going to be able to join that church of yours… I don’t want to cause you no trouble, Reverend… but I sure do like the way you preach and would like one day to join there with you.’ Jerry told me that the old man’s question hit him ‘like a boxer feels a hard blow to the stomach.’ Thirty years have passed since… Now, another friend is asking. When can I join your church, Jerry, and still not be forced to hide my God-given sexual orientation? When will your church accept me, your old friend and confidant, the man who wrote your autobiography… into leadership in your church as an openly gay man, let alone be willing to ordain me into ministry?” (Pg. 104)

He recalls, “[a man] I’ll call Dr. Smith---was a nationally known Christian pastor and evangelist… He had distinguished himself as a leader in a major denomination… Four years later, I heard by the grapevine that Dr. Smith had died unexpectedly from a sudden case of AIDS-related pneumonia. Only then did his family and friends discover that years before this respected man had been infected with HIV. Apparently, people across the nation were scandalized that such a wonderful man had a secret, ‘sinful’ life. I knew better… In spite of everything he had tried in his effort to ‘overcome his homosexuality,’ he couldn’t resist an occasional night of male intimacy and conversation with those who understood.” (Pg. 139-140)

He recounts, “During my six months with the Schaeffers, I learned to love Francis, Edith, and their artistic, young son Franky… But Dr. Schaeffer had a dark, arrogant side as well. At a private ‘thank you’ luncheon he gave us at the Hyatt Hotel in Los Angeles, Lyla [Mel’s then-wife] asked Francis what other trustworthy biblical theologians he liked to quote besides himself. After a long pause, Francis answered, ‘There are none.’” (Pg. 144)

He says of Jerry Falwell, “He knew that closeted gay and lesbian Christians worshiped in his church, attended his university, and watched his television program faithfully. And though he now denies it, Jerry even admitted that one of his staff members was a gay man who had lived in a committed, though closeted relationship with another gay man for almost twenty years. ‘If he doesn’t force me into a corner,’ Jerry said, ‘I won't force him either.’ As with the ban on homosexuals in the military that Jerry later supported so enthusiastically, gays and lesbians could fight and die for their country, or assist in Jerry’s ministry, as long as they lived by the rules of the closet.” (Pg. 198)

He admits of his marriage, “Over our twenty-five years of struggle, it had become terribly clear that in most cases a heterosexual should not be married to a homosexual. We had done everything in our power to make our marriage work. ‘If he had any other choice,’ Lyla told our friends repeatedly, ‘I would know it.’ She knew in her mind that we had done our best. Still, her heart was broken.” (Pg. 213)

He recounts, “The production and administrative demands that Jim and Tammy [Bakker] put on themselves were unfathomable… Jim and Tammy alone were producing as many live and videotaped programs as most networks… Both Bakkers arrived at their television studios before dawn and stayed until late into the night… [Tammy] rushed to … videotape special songs she had no time to practice, interview authors about books she had no time to read, and share ‘from her heart’ moving stories set to music she had no time to rehearse. It’s no wonder that occasionally Tammy burst into spontaneous tears. It’s also no wonder that Jim lost track of what he had promised or never quite figured out in advance how he would deliver on those same promises… the Bakkers should have taken a lesson from Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, who seldom offered anything real for the donations they solicited… [we were] relieved and grateful when the appeals court reduced Jim Bakker’s forty-five-year prison sentence. He may have been dishonest, but it was cruel and unjust punishment to sentence Jimmy to serve more years than a rapist…” (Pg. 216-217)

He affirms, “I have spent my lifetime reading, ,memorizing, studying, and teaching the Bible. I have tried my best to conform my life to its moral and spiritual teachings… I still believe that the Bible is inspired by God and a trustworthy guide for matters of Christian faith and practice.” (Pg. 238)

Eventually, “I wrote, faxed, and phoned Jerry Falwell, hoping to discuss these matters with him in person and in private…He refused to reply. In the meantime, Jerry’s lie that we ‘have a godless, humanistic scheme to destroy America’s traditional moral values’ … [was] only the beginning… Pat Robertson lied when he said there was some kind of evil gay agenda, that we demanded special rights, that we threatened to undermine the spiritual traditions of this nation… the others all lied when they talked about a corrupt gay and lesbian lifestyle, as though there were one lifestyle for all lesbians and gays… I began to write letters to all of them, protesting their lies and offering to meet with them on behalf of truth… No one would accept my request to sit down … to discuss the new biblical, theological, pastoral, and scientific data about homosexuality that might help me inform my old friends on the religious right.” (Pg. 250-251)

He asserts, “Any ‘ex-gay’ or former ‘ex-gay’ can tell you how it is possible to repress your natural sexual orientation for a while… Nevertheless, the verdict is in. The facts are certain. We don’t need another … pathetic story of long-term failure and loss from the ‘ex-gay’ movement to prove that homosexuality, like heterosexuality, is a permanent condition. Some few homosexuals … manage to live celibate lives… [or] manage somehow to pretend to be heterosexuals for a lifetime.” (Pg. 271)

This book will be “must reading” for anyone studying homosexuality and Christianity.

[Greg Schloesser · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author, film-maker, pastor and Christian leader Mel White tells the often heart-breaking story of his personal experiences of being gay in a fundamentalist Christian family and society. White is blunt, truthful and bold, telling of his personal struggles to understand and even overcome his homosexual feelings and attractions.

His work involved producing films and ghost-writing books for famous fundamentalist preachers and figures. He was deeply involved in the religious right movement of the late 20th century and knew and worked with the Christian-right giants of that era. Through it all he hid his gay nature, struggling mightily with it.

White married and fathered two children. He deeply loved (and still loves!) them and was in constant fear of hurting and/or losing them if he ever revealed his homosexual nature. His struggles led him to contemplate and even attempt suicide.

Ultimately, White knew that this was part of who he was and is what he believes is a "gift from God". He ultimately revealed his homosexual nature and became a pastor of a gay-oriented church and a leader in the gay cause.

This is an often emotional story, one which every person and/or Christian who feels that homosexuality is an abomination to God should read.

[Gimmel Yod · Rating 2 out of 5]

While Mel White broke some great ground early on, -But, he dropped the proverbial ball where it mattered the most. White is absolutely correct that the original languages of the Scripture do NOT have issue about the gender composition of a covenanted couple. However, the Scripture DOES criminalize a certain act in Leviticus 18:22 and for a VERY GOOD REASON. And before I cover the prohibition I'll 1st add that the Torah has NO PROHIBITION WHATSOEVER against what we'd call "lesbianism". Leviticus 18:22 addresses MEN. There is NO PARALLEL commandment that addresses women. This is because WOMEN LACK THE ANATOMY TO PERFORM THE FORBIDDEN ACT! Every Rabbi knows that Lev 18:22 forbids Ana!Sex. Why? According to the CDC, Ana!Sex is+5000% more perilous at spreading STD's than even 0ralSex! There is a group of men who identified this distinction & go into great detail explaining the WHYs. They're called g0ys (spelled w. a zer0). If you want true clarity of what the Scripture says & WHY - you'd do well to research the g0ys (spelled w. a zer0) men's movement. They might just save a life! The "WHY" matters. The "WHY" makes sense of it all!

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mel is a gifted writer and also an honest person with so much self knowledge. He sees where he has hurt others and where he has been hurt. He neither ignores the systemic homophobia that fueled many of his actions nor his own personal responsibility when he chooses to act. In short, this is a gem of a book. Its even more striking given it was written it in 1994. To the christian deconstruction writers and readers of the 20-teens and 2020s, please start citing Mel. He did this work twenty years before it became "cool". He suffered for it. And I worry his life and work is being left out of current conversations. If you know me well and want to discuss this topic and work, feel free reach out for a more personal review.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I first read about Mel White in a Philip Yancey book many years ago. This one has been on my to-read list forever and I finally decided to tackle it.

It’s very dated, having been published in 1994. At the same time, it’s sad how much of it is still relevant.

It is a painful chronicle of a faithful Christian—a true believer who got the message loud and clear his entire life that being gay was not compatible with being an evangelical Christian. There is so much self-loathing threaded throughout the narrative that just broke my heart.

It took so much courage for him to finally come out of the closet—and it cost him his livelihood (ghostwriting autobiographies of Christian Right leaders like Jerry Falwell and Billy Graham and producing Christian films). It is really quite a story.

Worth a read, definitely—at this point more as a history lesson and insight into the excruciating experience of being gay in fundamentalist Christian spaces in past decades—but also as a reminder that there is still so much work to do. Mel White finally found freedom and acceptance, but it almost cost him his life.

[Ron Stowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hats off to Mel White!! My new super hero. Gay Jesus freaks will love this coming out story. Modern Christians will likely be confused, if not outright offended. A victory for love against all odds. A wonderful true story about a real hero of honesty and truth and real life in a jungle of hypocrisy and hatred and lies. A must read for all gay Jesus freaks. Very inspiring and uplifting!!!!!

[Dean DaLomba · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book encouraged me to fully dive into my faith and my sexuality, and live openly with both. It made me feel seen and understood, back when I really thought the two things could not exist. The desparation I felt was overwhelming. God found me right where I was and embraced ME as I read through each enlightening page.

[Virginia Heslinga · Rating 4 out of 5]

And we should care that...

Mel White's story challenges people of faiths and no faith to consider prejudices and to choose to act in the way of love and care. I give 4 stars I stead of 5 due to many elements of repetition justifying choices, however, people do need repetition to learn.

[Ann]

I will have to go back and reread this book to write the review. I do remember how impressed I was with this book. I loaned my copy to a gay male friend. I had to buy myself another copy. I will reread.

[Sandie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent, excellent book. This is the 2nd time I've read it. He was a ghost writer for Jerry Falwell, Sr, Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, others. He saw firsthand the rise of the Moral Majority, and the issues that were raised to forge a political movement.

This is his story.

[Stacy Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fastening book...the struggles that Mel went through are traumatic and heartbreaking. What we are doing to Christian lgbt members is just wrong!