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The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships
One person talks; the other listens. It's so basic that we take it for granted. Unfortunately, most of us think of ourselves as better listeners than we actually are. Why do we so often fail to connect when speaking with family members, romantic partners, colleagues, or friends? How do emotional reactions get in the way of real communication? This thoughtful, witty, and empathic book has already helped over 100,000 readers break through conflicts and transform their personal and professional relationships. Experienced therapist Mike Nichols provides vivid examples, easy-to-learn techniques, and practical exercises for becoming a better listener--and making yourself heard and understood, even in difficult situations.
314 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 3, 1994
826 people are currently reading
5374 people want to read
About the author
Michael P. Nichols
33 books10 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 370 reviews
March 31, 2013
I only give this book three stars (I liked it) but would still say everyone should seriously consider reading it.
Reasons to read it:
1) It made me think hard about a huge part of my relationships, particularly family.
2) It contains a lot of wisdom about listening.
Reasons not to read it (and why I didn't REALLY like it):
1) Like a lot of psychology books, it could have been condensed to maybe half the length by cutting out generalized and extraneous case studies/examples. It is also very repetitive, again often the case for books on psychology.
2) It gets a few things dead wrong, because it approaches human nature and relationships from a general, contemporary Western, ultimately non-Christian viewpoint.
Great quotation (last line of the book): "Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give."
Reasons to read it:
1) It made me think hard about a huge part of my relationships, particularly family.
2) It contains a lot of wisdom about listening.
Reasons not to read it (and why I didn't REALLY like it):
1) Like a lot of psychology books, it could have been condensed to maybe half the length by cutting out generalized and extraneous case studies/examples. It is also very repetitive, again often the case for books on psychology.
2) It gets a few things dead wrong, because it approaches human nature and relationships from a general, contemporary Western, ultimately non-Christian viewpoint.
Great quotation (last line of the book): "Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give."
November 19, 2012
I see how he wrote this. He came up with the idea of a book, and he jotted down notes between counselling sessions and meetings until he'd filled an exercise book. Then he grouped them loosely into themes and wrote the book.
The result is a bundle of platitudes, anecdotes, and advice which have no connection beyond their overall topic. He would have been better to write a collection of short essays rather than feign a linear narrative out of them. Definitely some useful thoughts in there, but presented in this way it's more like sitting on the knee of an old man who talks sagely but tangentially. You're left to gather the wisdom and piece it together yourself.
The result is a bundle of platitudes, anecdotes, and advice which have no connection beyond their overall topic. He would have been better to write a collection of short essays rather than feign a linear narrative out of them. Definitely some useful thoughts in there, but presented in this way it's more like sitting on the knee of an old man who talks sagely but tangentially. You're left to gather the wisdom and piece it together yourself.
December 12, 2015
Have you ever felt your words fall on deaf ears? Have you ever felt like you didn't know how to listen to someone when they really needed you to?
In The Lost Art of Listening, Michael Nichols frames listening as an active art - we need practice to transform passive reception to real hearing. As a future counselor or teacher, this book grabbed me from the get-go: not only does Nichols discuss how to listen more effectively, but he also brings up the benefits of listening and the consequences of miscommunication. He offers advice on a gamut of listening-related situations and problems, including the struggle to suspend our own needs, reducing emotional reactivity, and learning to listen to specific people such as your children or your coworkers. In a society where we spend a large amount of time creating small talk before business meetings or messaging each other through Facebook, The Lost Art of Listening gives us the tools to transform how we communicate with one another. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about listening, either for yourself or for others.
In The Lost Art of Listening, Michael Nichols frames listening as an active art - we need practice to transform passive reception to real hearing. As a future counselor or teacher, this book grabbed me from the get-go: not only does Nichols discuss how to listen more effectively, but he also brings up the benefits of listening and the consequences of miscommunication. He offers advice on a gamut of listening-related situations and problems, including the struggle to suspend our own needs, reducing emotional reactivity, and learning to listen to specific people such as your children or your coworkers. In a society where we spend a large amount of time creating small talk before business meetings or messaging each other through Facebook, The Lost Art of Listening gives us the tools to transform how we communicate with one another. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about listening, either for yourself or for others.
November 22, 2020
Admittedly, I picked this book up because I wanted to add to my prodigious communication skills - of which listening was the one in which I was most confident - but you can always get better, right? So I jumped in.
Guess what? I'm not. A good listener, that is. I checked in with a good friend who is ever honest. Yeah, she said. You're not so good as you think. (Always keep a friend like this in your group. Humility enforcer.) Evidently, I break in too often with seemingly random responses. I'm sure they tie in somehow. Maybe. Maybe?
Anyway, I enjoyed this book, and sensed early on that there was plenty here to keep me focused - and particularly liked the end of chapter homework. That helps me. Basic techniques work well for me.
This was a listen for me - I will be purchasing a hardcopy so I can make notes and page through freestyle.
If you think you're a great listener. . . .maybe you should check it out with a trusted member of your circle, and if you need a little help with improvements to your listening skills, this is a great book with which to start your regime.
Guess what? I'm not. A good listener, that is. I checked in with a good friend who is ever honest. Yeah, she said. You're not so good as you think. (Always keep a friend like this in your group. Humility enforcer.) Evidently, I break in too often with seemingly random responses. I'm sure they tie in somehow. Maybe. Maybe?
Anyway, I enjoyed this book, and sensed early on that there was plenty here to keep me focused - and particularly liked the end of chapter homework. That helps me. Basic techniques work well for me.
This was a listen for me - I will be purchasing a hardcopy so I can make notes and page through freestyle.
If you think you're a great listener. . . .maybe you should check it out with a trusted member of your circle, and if you need a little help with improvements to your listening skills, this is a great book with which to start your regime.
January 2, 2023
5 Stars.
This is the most useful book on listening I’ve encountered; it needs to be digested slowly and absorbed thoughtfully.
Here’s my summary of the book and a few thoughts on my own experience with it:
The techniques to improve most poor listening habits are contained within. As with many rich sources of wisdom, the answers may appear simple; It would be a mistake to conflate “simple” with “easy”.
Listening is a skill that requires practice and hard work. Most people are not effective listeners. That’s not a value judgement, it’s just an objective measure of listening skill. By effective I mean ensuring the speaker feels truly “heard” and validated. As opposed to simply not being interrupted. After all:
“good listening doesn’t come naturally. Listening is a skill, and like any skill it must be developed”
If you’re searching for template questions and stock responses e.g. “that’s interesting, but I’d like to hear you say more about ….(x)” then this likely isn’t the book for you. Many such examples are included within the text, but the central theme is this:
“To really listen you have to suspend your own agenda, forget about what you want to say, and concentrate on being a receptive vehicle for the other person”
Listening quality is determined not by set constructions and phrases, but by empathic connection and effort.
“An empathic listener inquires and acknowledges what we’re thinking and feeling and thus confirms our experience”
This is achieved by possessing - even if only temporarily- an open, non-judgemental and curious mindset.
As a poor listener myself, discovering this book was a revelation; I’ve re-read it every year since (for the last five years). I have a long way to go but I’ve seen a noticeable, if modest, improvement in that time. When I do manage to inhabit this mindset, I’m often rewarded with a more meaningful interaction than I would otherwise have had. You can feel it. Sometimes the person will end the conversation and state it plainly: “it was so nice to meet you, I feel like we really connected there”.
When I first read this book I was shocked to “realise” how poor those around me were at listening. I also realised how often I was looking for validation (frequently), and that it was rarely given. Mild indignation followed in the childish conclusion: “It’s rare that anyone genuinely listens to me”.
After subsequent re-reads the following sank in:
“Listening puts a burden on the listener.” “Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment-and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person”
Do you expect this from listeners at all times?
That’s a big ask.
Are they trained in listening? Are they professional therapists or counsellors? Have you sprung this topic on them at an inappropriate time? Are they the right person to be discussing this topic with? Are they in the right mood for this? Are you, really?
To some speakers this contextual awareness is natural and effortless. Not for everyone, and not for me. Context is important. When you don’t receive the listening you’d like, perhaps the other person isn’t necessarily a poor listener, perhaps you’ve picked the wrong context for them. Or perhaps that person wasn’t a good choice to select. Maybe they don’t have the listening skills. Maybe you already know that on some level, but have demanded that they shoulder the burden of listening regardless.
Takeaways:
Try to be generous in the standard of listening you give to others.
Also try to be generous in the standard of listening you expect to receive. If you don’t receive the standard you’d like, first hold yourself responsible and ask “was the context right” or “was the choice or listener a good one” before blaming others.
This is my first Goodreads review- What a pleasure to try to summarise the ideas of this book in a useful way!
This is the most useful book on listening I’ve encountered; it needs to be digested slowly and absorbed thoughtfully.
Here’s my summary of the book and a few thoughts on my own experience with it:
The techniques to improve most poor listening habits are contained within. As with many rich sources of wisdom, the answers may appear simple; It would be a mistake to conflate “simple” with “easy”.
Listening is a skill that requires practice and hard work. Most people are not effective listeners. That’s not a value judgement, it’s just an objective measure of listening skill. By effective I mean ensuring the speaker feels truly “heard” and validated. As opposed to simply not being interrupted. After all:
“good listening doesn’t come naturally. Listening is a skill, and like any skill it must be developed”
If you’re searching for template questions and stock responses e.g. “that’s interesting, but I’d like to hear you say more about ….(x)” then this likely isn’t the book for you. Many such examples are included within the text, but the central theme is this:
“To really listen you have to suspend your own agenda, forget about what you want to say, and concentrate on being a receptive vehicle for the other person”
Listening quality is determined not by set constructions and phrases, but by empathic connection and effort.
“An empathic listener inquires and acknowledges what we’re thinking and feeling and thus confirms our experience”
This is achieved by possessing - even if only temporarily- an open, non-judgemental and curious mindset.
As a poor listener myself, discovering this book was a revelation; I’ve re-read it every year since (for the last five years). I have a long way to go but I’ve seen a noticeable, if modest, improvement in that time. When I do manage to inhabit this mindset, I’m often rewarded with a more meaningful interaction than I would otherwise have had. You can feel it. Sometimes the person will end the conversation and state it plainly: “it was so nice to meet you, I feel like we really connected there”.
When I first read this book I was shocked to “realise” how poor those around me were at listening. I also realised how often I was looking for validation (frequently), and that it was rarely given. Mild indignation followed in the childish conclusion: “It’s rare that anyone genuinely listens to me”.
After subsequent re-reads the following sank in:
“Listening puts a burden on the listener.” “Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment-and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person”
Do you expect this from listeners at all times?
That’s a big ask.
Are they trained in listening? Are they professional therapists or counsellors? Have you sprung this topic on them at an inappropriate time? Are they the right person to be discussing this topic with? Are they in the right mood for this? Are you, really?
To some speakers this contextual awareness is natural and effortless. Not for everyone, and not for me. Context is important. When you don’t receive the listening you’d like, perhaps the other person isn’t necessarily a poor listener, perhaps you’ve picked the wrong context for them. Or perhaps that person wasn’t a good choice to select. Maybe they don’t have the listening skills. Maybe you already know that on some level, but have demanded that they shoulder the burden of listening regardless.
Takeaways:
Try to be generous in the standard of listening you give to others.
Also try to be generous in the standard of listening you expect to receive. If you don’t receive the standard you’d like, first hold yourself responsible and ask “was the context right” or “was the choice or listener a good one” before blaming others.
This is my first Goodreads review- What a pleasure to try to summarise the ideas of this book in a useful way!
February 25, 2018
Wow, I must buy a copy of this book. I can see myself revisiting this book many times in the future. I thought I was a decent listener but after reading this book I think I am a horrible listener. So glad to get the information to make me become a better listener and person after reading this. The most important thing I learned is that most of the time people just want to know you are listening and don't really care that you went through something similar. I'm hoping I don't forget the tenants brought up in this book because they are going to help me in my relationships and in my careers.
April 8, 2017
3.5
"Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give."
That is the last line of the book and a great take-away.
If you want to be a better listener, and really, don't we all, there is much to glean from this book.
A good portion of it is hidden behind the author's efforts to be PC while not actually being PC, especially on
gender. One minute he rebukes people for giving in to gender stereotypes the next he gives into them himself, thankfully.
But ultimately, I believe there were enough good reminders to help me in my efforts to listen more and talk less.
"Listening isn't a need we have; it's a gift we give."
That is the last line of the book and a great take-away.
If you want to be a better listener, and really, don't we all, there is much to glean from this book.
A good portion of it is hidden behind the author's efforts to be PC while not actually being PC, especially on
gender. One minute he rebukes people for giving in to gender stereotypes the next he gives into them himself, thankfully.
But ultimately, I believe there were enough good reminders to help me in my efforts to listen more and talk less.
July 20, 2019
One of the books I consider being "the core" of who I am or who I want to be.
I thought that I'm a good listener, but thanks to this book I've learned that there's much more to do to actually be a good listener (using empathy and REALLY listen to other people).
This book is very practical, you can learn a lot about communication within the family (this book was very helpful for me in that area) and also in a professional environment.
I would like to recommend it to everybody I interact with on a daily basis - it would be easier for all of us to be on the same page! :)
A few quotes/takeaways:
I thought that I'm a good listener, but thanks to this book I've learned that there's much more to do to actually be a good listener (using empathy and REALLY listen to other people).
This book is very practical, you can learn a lot about communication within the family (this book was very helpful for me in that area) and also in a professional environment.
I would like to recommend it to everybody I interact with on a daily basis - it would be easier for all of us to be on the same page! :)
A few quotes/takeaways:
Listening isn’t a need we have; it’s a gift we give.
What we can’t tolerate in others is what we can’t tolerate in ourselves.
Most people think more about what they want to say than about what is being said to them.
Triangulation—ventilating feelings of frustration to third parties rather than addressing conflicts at their source—takes on epidemic proportions in work settings. Letting off steam by complaining about other people is a perfectly human thing to do. The problem is that habitual complaining about superiors locks us into passivity and resentment. We may have given up trying to get through to the sons of bitches, but by God we don’t mind saying what we think of them—as long as they aren’t within earshot.
Caring enough to listen doesn’t mean going around selflessly available to everyone you encounter. Rather, it means being alert to those situations in which someone you care about needs to be listened to. Ironically, our ability to listen is often worst with the people closest to us. Conflict, habit, and the pressure of emotions makes us listen least well where listening is most needed.
When people talk about feelings—what they’re excited about, what’s troubling them—they want to be listened to and acknowledged, not interrupted with advice or told that someone else had a similar experience. They want listeners who will take the time to hear and acknowledge what they’re saying, not turn the focus to themselves.
Our parents may be the most important unfinished business of our lives.
In spite of the large emotions involved, marriage isn’t about monumental issues; it’s about little things, about everydayness, about knowing that tomorrow morning you’ll wake up with a new chance to work at it, to get it a bit more wrong or right.
March 4, 2021
I listened to this one on audio and really liked it. The narrator was fabulous. I wish I had listened to this earlier.....like in early marriage and early motherhood. It could have been helpful.
This was a great reminder to remember to listen. The author emphasized the the importance of this in work, family, & marriage relationships. The examples he used were also perfectly relatable. So 4 stars.
This was a great reminder to remember to listen. The author emphasized the the importance of this in work, family, & marriage relationships. The examples he used were also perfectly relatable. So 4 stars.
January 1, 2018
I absolutely loved this and would recommend it to anyone and everyone. The author comes off as generous, empathetic, and warmly funny (in a dad humor kind of way). It's given me a lot to think about. A perfect book to set the tone for the new year.
July 3, 2017
This book drives home very deeply just how important listening is to any conversation and relationship you have. The stakes in our interpersonal communication are much higher than you think and the book helps you tune into the pitfalls that occur as we struggle to understand those around us.
The book is organized into four sections:
(1) The Yearning to be Understood
(2) The Real Reasons Why People Don't Listen
(3) Getting Through to Each Other
(4) The Specific Contexts of Listening
The first section describes how good listening is the difference between isolation and acceptance. In our fast paced culture, it is the rare person that really takes the time to understand and this section really underscores how much of a vacuum is created in our relationships when folks don't really feel understood. Understanding and cultivating 'empathy' is a large focus here as the author illustrates just how much your child's development is impacted by your ability to truly listen and understand your child. To be quite honest, this section truly shamed me and really gave me a standard to live up to... e.g. our ability understand and be understood is a truly a lost art in 21st century America and we could all use a dose of understanding what true empathy is.
A very telling quote is "People who don't talk to us are people who don't expect us to listen". Key questions that truly shape us are: Does the person who isn’t very forthcoming with you have reason to believe that you’re interested in what he thinks and feels? That you’ll listen without interrupting? That you can tolerate disagreement? Anger? Openness is a product of interaction.
The second section addresses the barriers to listening. In many ways, it should be no surprise that our cultural and political world is in the poor state it is in today. Narcissism (selfies) and self-promotion have reached a pinnacle at this point 21st Century America and these behaviors are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what is needed to understand someone else. "The heart of listening is to suspend our own needs... to take an interest in someone else, we must suspend the interests of the self." "An empathetic response is restrained, largely silent; following, not leading; it
encourages the speaker to go deeper into his or her experience." What turns conversations into arguments? The author proposes that high emotional responses are the number one factor in letting a conversation get out of control. The ability to listen rests on how successfully we resist the impulse to react emotionally to the position of the other. A helpful examination of when you reacted emotional can unlock some facets of your familial communication and past situation that is really causing you to act in an emotional way. This is easier said than done.
Finally, the author advocates for responsive listening as a way to achieve better connection. Empathy is achieved by suspending your own preoccupations and assumptions and placing yourself
attentively at the service of the other person, being alert to what he’s saying and to the emotional
subtext. It means listening without being in a hurry to take over. We are taught in the professional world to take control of conversations, so it is no surprise that most Americans find this extremely difficult. If you are trying to lead an organization, the last thing you may want to do is let someone else drive, but, paradoxically, that is precisely what we must do if we want meaningful connection. Also, we cannot respond to anger when it presents itself, we must let it run its course and avoid the 'calm down' tendency we want to publicly pronounce (i must admit, i have said this in the past and this will not calm anyone down). Another paradox that i found was that offering personal experience to someone you are talking to is, in most cases, the wrong thing to do. True listening is getting the speaker to tease out how they feel and letting them explore their feelings.. offering examples essentially 'steals the floor' and puts the focus back on you. This can sabotage connection at a critical point in a budding friendship.
Overall, this book gave me some things to work at to improve my listening However, it did have the unexpected impact of creating a sense of loss and of feeling that this is a hopelessly complex situation. I have made so many mistakes but also can tell that i want to be understood more. I would have liked more situational application and more specificity to understanding how to overcome barriers to listening. Net, this is a great primer on why listening is important and it offers some basic ideas to address. But it needs to go much further to start giving people a more concrete path to become a great listener.
The book is organized into four sections:
(1) The Yearning to be Understood
(2) The Real Reasons Why People Don't Listen
(3) Getting Through to Each Other
(4) The Specific Contexts of Listening
The first section describes how good listening is the difference between isolation and acceptance. In our fast paced culture, it is the rare person that really takes the time to understand and this section really underscores how much of a vacuum is created in our relationships when folks don't really feel understood. Understanding and cultivating 'empathy' is a large focus here as the author illustrates just how much your child's development is impacted by your ability to truly listen and understand your child. To be quite honest, this section truly shamed me and really gave me a standard to live up to... e.g. our ability understand and be understood is a truly a lost art in 21st century America and we could all use a dose of understanding what true empathy is.
A very telling quote is "People who don't talk to us are people who don't expect us to listen". Key questions that truly shape us are: Does the person who isn’t very forthcoming with you have reason to believe that you’re interested in what he thinks and feels? That you’ll listen without interrupting? That you can tolerate disagreement? Anger? Openness is a product of interaction.
The second section addresses the barriers to listening. In many ways, it should be no surprise that our cultural and political world is in the poor state it is in today. Narcissism (selfies) and self-promotion have reached a pinnacle at this point 21st Century America and these behaviors are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what is needed to understand someone else. "The heart of listening is to suspend our own needs... to take an interest in someone else, we must suspend the interests of the self." "An empathetic response is restrained, largely silent; following, not leading; it
encourages the speaker to go deeper into his or her experience." What turns conversations into arguments? The author proposes that high emotional responses are the number one factor in letting a conversation get out of control. The ability to listen rests on how successfully we resist the impulse to react emotionally to the position of the other. A helpful examination of when you reacted emotional can unlock some facets of your familial communication and past situation that is really causing you to act in an emotional way. This is easier said than done.
Finally, the author advocates for responsive listening as a way to achieve better connection. Empathy is achieved by suspending your own preoccupations and assumptions and placing yourself
attentively at the service of the other person, being alert to what he’s saying and to the emotional
subtext. It means listening without being in a hurry to take over. We are taught in the professional world to take control of conversations, so it is no surprise that most Americans find this extremely difficult. If you are trying to lead an organization, the last thing you may want to do is let someone else drive, but, paradoxically, that is precisely what we must do if we want meaningful connection. Also, we cannot respond to anger when it presents itself, we must let it run its course and avoid the 'calm down' tendency we want to publicly pronounce (i must admit, i have said this in the past and this will not calm anyone down). Another paradox that i found was that offering personal experience to someone you are talking to is, in most cases, the wrong thing to do. True listening is getting the speaker to tease out how they feel and letting them explore their feelings.. offering examples essentially 'steals the floor' and puts the focus back on you. This can sabotage connection at a critical point in a budding friendship.
Overall, this book gave me some things to work at to improve my listening However, it did have the unexpected impact of creating a sense of loss and of feeling that this is a hopelessly complex situation. I have made so many mistakes but also can tell that i want to be understood more. I would have liked more situational application and more specificity to understanding how to overcome barriers to listening. Net, this is a great primer on why listening is important and it offers some basic ideas to address. But it needs to go much further to start giving people a more concrete path to become a great listener.
August 16, 2024
I learned a lot from this book! But also felt like it was repetitive (is that just all self help books?? 😂) and just gave examples over and over and over again! Which were good and bad?? Idk 😂 But I did take stuff away from the book that I will keep with me! And it was a great discussion at bookclub!
August 17, 2024
I don’t know how to rate self help books. Maybe read a chapter a week, and then focus on that each week? Just a lot of information & a little repetitive. Does it job though, helps you learn why and how to be a better listener!
May 5, 2023
The Epilogue felt like a recap of the book, so I did very little highlighting of that chapter.
I quite liked the book and the epilogue.
I quite liked the book and the epilogue.
May 26, 2023
Highly recommend for any human who has relationships with other humans.
May 26, 2017
Once I got about 25% into this I realized it was an essential read. There are times he gets a little verbose and side-tracked on relationship/parenting advice toward the end, but it is justified in the fact that true listening is really what will solve most problems in society today. I can't recommend this enough. A lot of it seems obvious and nothing you haven't heard before, but to have it laid out in one spot and explained makes it worth your time. It is filled with little insights into understanding people and helping them understand you if you look for them. Definitely one I am going to try and re-read every few years. I started implementing the ideas and theory behind 'responsive listening' and instantly saw a lot more connection in my family and work. Kind of the book I've been looking for and never knew it existed. So glad I just randomly tried it based on it's title (terrible way to 'find' the book you need to read at that time, but it worked this time!).
January 27, 2020
5 stars
Such a great book, with insight into more aspects of listening than I could have imagined.
Such a great book, with insight into more aspects of listening than I could have imagined.
March 22, 2020
For me, the Lost Art of Listening got on the list of top 3 most recommendable books. Not because of its outstanding quality but because of its potential to help enhance all our relationships, with our partners, families, friends, colleagues, co-citizens, relationship of everyone everywhere. Only a few educational monographs aim, I would say, on such a universal target group (the participants in communication).
Michael Nichols starts his book with a simple observation: most conflicts we deal with in our everyday lives result from one simple fact: we don't listen to each other. In 13 chapters, he offers an insightful analysis of what tends to go wrong and gives some good recommendations.
In the Epilogue, he confesses that he is no philosopher and so he cannot comment on how bad listening affects our coexistence in one society. His humbleness is inspiring but it is especially in times like these when communication experts should keep pointing out that political cleavages we witness in our societies are yet another example of our (and our leaders'!) failure to listen to those who try to voice their grievances (no matter how dumb they may sound to us) but end up feeling not listened to, misunderstood and left behind.
Some of my favourite quotes:
"The ability to listen rests on how successfully we resist the impulse to react emotionally to the position of the other... We're most reactive to the things we secretly accuse ourselves of." (ch 6)
"Powerful people don't scream." (ch 8)
"Empathy is energizing. Being listened to releases us from brooding self-absorption and mobilizes us to engage the world around us." (ch 9)
"The listening we don't get is the listening we don't pass on." (Epilogue)
Michael Nichols starts his book with a simple observation: most conflicts we deal with in our everyday lives result from one simple fact: we don't listen to each other. In 13 chapters, he offers an insightful analysis of what tends to go wrong and gives some good recommendations.
In the Epilogue, he confesses that he is no philosopher and so he cannot comment on how bad listening affects our coexistence in one society. His humbleness is inspiring but it is especially in times like these when communication experts should keep pointing out that political cleavages we witness in our societies are yet another example of our (and our leaders'!) failure to listen to those who try to voice their grievances (no matter how dumb they may sound to us) but end up feeling not listened to, misunderstood and left behind.
Some of my favourite quotes:
"The ability to listen rests on how successfully we resist the impulse to react emotionally to the position of the other... We're most reactive to the things we secretly accuse ourselves of." (ch 6)
"Powerful people don't scream." (ch 8)
"Empathy is energizing. Being listened to releases us from brooding self-absorption and mobilizes us to engage the world around us." (ch 9)
"The listening we don't get is the listening we don't pass on." (Epilogue)
October 5, 2024
3.75 rounded up! Enjoyed this one a lot (read for class). Good reminders about how we bring our whole selves and history into relationships, and so do other people. A good read for a future therapist like moi!
December 27, 2020
Tl;dr: Focus on who you are listening to, rather than thinking about what you want to say in response. This can help improve your relationships.
November 13, 2023
Lacks value.
April 30, 2017
This book brought up a surprising number of emotions during the reading that have been lingering with me ever since. The book covers a full spectrum of interpersonal communications as a friend, spouse, and parent. Nichols not only offers suggestions for improving communications but also makes his own confessions of his own communications failures in those areas and as a professional listener in his counseling practice.
As an introvert I was surprised at the insight that this was often a defense mechanism for people who weren't listened to as children. There's a tendency, he says, to give up on being listened to creating a shell of isolation, busy-ness, and reserve as a way to avoid opening up old wounds. I could see that. I came from a family where people were naturally quiet with each other. Disturbing that quiet could be cause for reproach. This is probably what lead me to two marriages with partners who were bubbly, vivacious, and terrible listeners. My late wife was well-meaning but even our daughters avoided opening up to her because of her odd listening style. You would start with a story about something that happened during the day and she'd interrupt with "What were they wearing?" "What was the restaurant like?" "What did people order?" She interrupted flow, shushed people when she was busy, and threw in her own opinions about how the speaker should have acted with advice for future encounters.
We run across people like this every day, along with people who make themselves difficult to listen to by catching any open ear and telling in-depth stories that have no point. Trapped by some people like this I've actually stood at an office door, feet facing outward, looking over my shoulder, with the person continuing on as if I were hanging on every word.
Most of us face challenging people who ignore us or have no sense of boundaries. And few of us are good listeners ourselves. It's more common to react than respond thoughtfully. Often we want to share similar experiences or offer advice, or something in the way others communicate will set off emotional reactions that have more to do with our life experiences than any actual content in the conversation.
Nichols covers multiple topics and situations dealing with coworkers, spouses, and others. Each chapter offers exercises along with tips on planning alternate ways of approaching people with whom we have problems communicating.
Along with opening up some memories that weren't always pleasant I found myself cringing when I heard descriptions of ways I am a less than perfect listener. But the tips are useful and realistic. The most general is to simply be interested in what people say. So when a person says: "I had a terrible night's sleep" you can avoid typical responses like "I did, too" or "Have you tried melatonin?" or "You should stop watching TV so late" and respond with things like: "That's a shame. Why do you think that's happening?" The ideas go far beyond what is generally described as "active listening" which, when poorly applied, can be more irritating than being ignored.
I also appreciated that Nichols took aim at some gender biases that have increased with the "men are from mars" pop-psy that developed over the past few decades. About the only gender difference he mentions himself is that women tend to talk to friends face-to-face while men tend to talk during shared activities. Dealing with others as individuals rather than gender types can eliminate tons of problems at the very start.
There are endless places where we can be better listeners. Nichols says this applies as much to newborns as it does to the elderly. We have an ongoing desire to be recognized as having lives worth understanding and emotions worth respecting.
He also give advice for dealing with people who tend to explode with anger, or who latch onto any sympathetic listener, or who have trouble opening up. He provides some understanding for their motivations along with concrete suggestions.
I don't know whether this book will convert me from introvert to extrovert or perfect my listening skills but it definitely took me down some unexpected paths even as someone who considered myself an above average listener already.
As an introvert I was surprised at the insight that this was often a defense mechanism for people who weren't listened to as children. There's a tendency, he says, to give up on being listened to creating a shell of isolation, busy-ness, and reserve as a way to avoid opening up old wounds. I could see that. I came from a family where people were naturally quiet with each other. Disturbing that quiet could be cause for reproach. This is probably what lead me to two marriages with partners who were bubbly, vivacious, and terrible listeners. My late wife was well-meaning but even our daughters avoided opening up to her because of her odd listening style. You would start with a story about something that happened during the day and she'd interrupt with "What were they wearing?" "What was the restaurant like?" "What did people order?" She interrupted flow, shushed people when she was busy, and threw in her own opinions about how the speaker should have acted with advice for future encounters.
We run across people like this every day, along with people who make themselves difficult to listen to by catching any open ear and telling in-depth stories that have no point. Trapped by some people like this I've actually stood at an office door, feet facing outward, looking over my shoulder, with the person continuing on as if I were hanging on every word.
Most of us face challenging people who ignore us or have no sense of boundaries. And few of us are good listeners ourselves. It's more common to react than respond thoughtfully. Often we want to share similar experiences or offer advice, or something in the way others communicate will set off emotional reactions that have more to do with our life experiences than any actual content in the conversation.
Nichols covers multiple topics and situations dealing with coworkers, spouses, and others. Each chapter offers exercises along with tips on planning alternate ways of approaching people with whom we have problems communicating.
Along with opening up some memories that weren't always pleasant I found myself cringing when I heard descriptions of ways I am a less than perfect listener. But the tips are useful and realistic. The most general is to simply be interested in what people say. So when a person says: "I had a terrible night's sleep" you can avoid typical responses like "I did, too" or "Have you tried melatonin?" or "You should stop watching TV so late" and respond with things like: "That's a shame. Why do you think that's happening?" The ideas go far beyond what is generally described as "active listening" which, when poorly applied, can be more irritating than being ignored.
I also appreciated that Nichols took aim at some gender biases that have increased with the "men are from mars" pop-psy that developed over the past few decades. About the only gender difference he mentions himself is that women tend to talk to friends face-to-face while men tend to talk during shared activities. Dealing with others as individuals rather than gender types can eliminate tons of problems at the very start.
There are endless places where we can be better listeners. Nichols says this applies as much to newborns as it does to the elderly. We have an ongoing desire to be recognized as having lives worth understanding and emotions worth respecting.
He also give advice for dealing with people who tend to explode with anger, or who latch onto any sympathetic listener, or who have trouble opening up. He provides some understanding for their motivations along with concrete suggestions.
I don't know whether this book will convert me from introvert to extrovert or perfect my listening skills but it definitely took me down some unexpected paths even as someone who considered myself an above average listener already.
October 12, 2024
I highly recommend this! I found out about it through a weekly newsletter I receive called Renovare. It’s the best comprehensive book I’ve come across regarding relationships between friends, co-workers, family, kids, and spouses. I listened to this, but I will also be purchasing a copy to keep and underline and re-visit. Life 101 material that has lasting value…
May 11, 2016
I finished! Yay! Honestly, it was an okay. The biggest problem is how the book is organized. It's like his stories and his notes were everywhere. I also had a hard time staying engaged in the book and there were some things I already knew. BUT... I did learn several techniques to become a better listen. I noticed how I say things that make me a poor listener and I like that I can recognize it in myself.
One thing that I love is when he says: "Under what circumstances do you become reactive and give advice or interrupt or make jokes instead of listening?"
I love that quote because it sums up what is considered a poor listener. Sometimes we just need to listen and I forgot how important it is to just listen. People need to be listened to without being giving advice or your own personal views or ideas. It's not bad to talk, but it takes great skill to listen. So... All in all, it's an okay book. I learn some new things and gain some new insights, but I did not like how the author wrote his book. It was like reading his notes and there wasn't enough coercion. But I'm glad I'm done. :)
One thing that I love is when he says: "Under what circumstances do you become reactive and give advice or interrupt or make jokes instead of listening?"
I love that quote because it sums up what is considered a poor listener. Sometimes we just need to listen and I forgot how important it is to just listen. People need to be listened to without being giving advice or your own personal views or ideas. It's not bad to talk, but it takes great skill to listen. So... All in all, it's an okay book. I learn some new things and gain some new insights, but I did not like how the author wrote his book. It was like reading his notes and there wasn't enough coercion. But I'm glad I'm done. :)
September 10, 2017
This is good for anyone, it not only explains how to truly listen but it goes way deep into interpersonal relationships in general. How to handle feelings, how to embrace differenced, how to not be defensive and so on. I can't even go into all the ways it was helpful because I listened to it on audiobook and I'm a horrible listener so although I felt like each chapter had useful information and i could make use of it right away, i usually forgot most of it. so i'll have to buy a paper version.
Recommended for EVERYONE. unless you're perfect. If you're perfect then dismiss this. :)
Recommended for EVERYONE. unless you're perfect. If you're perfect then dismiss this. :)
September 19, 2018
One of my top 5 books ever. Invaluable insight that leads us to really understand the nature and importance of human communication. This book made me a better mother, friend, boss/employee etc.
If at first this book feels a little dry, I urge you to keep reading; It can change your life and that of all you come into contact with.
*I first listened to this book on Audible and then purchased a hard copy for myself and another for a friend. I do prefer the Audible version if available to you.
If at first this book feels a little dry, I urge you to keep reading; It can change your life and that of all you come into contact with.
*I first listened to this book on Audible and then purchased a hard copy for myself and another for a friend. I do prefer the Audible version if available to you.
April 1, 2018
It took me 4 month to complete this book. It has refreshed my own record title of “the most rewarding book ever”
Solid theory, interesting stories, actionable exercise - this book has them all.
Solid theory, interesting stories, actionable exercise - this book has them all.
February 25, 2018
Genuine listening involves a suspension of self. Holding your tongue while someone speaks is not the same thing as listening. To really listen, you have to suspend your own agenda. Forget about what you want to say, and concentrate on being a receptive vehicle for the other person.
Just because something is simple, doesn't mean it's easy. Actively listening is much harder than we believe it is and this book covers the subject from so many aspects. The author is a family therapist and his wisdom comes from years of helping individuals, families and couples to figure out better ways of communicating - which starts with cultivating better listening skills.
How we communicate - and listen - goes back to how we learned to do that in our families. Our parents may be the most important unfinished business of our lives.
We relate to people in the present on the basis of expectations from the past. We continue to live in the shadows of the families we grew up in. The sometimes vast difference between words spoken and message intended is nothing compared to the often vaster difference between what is said and what it heard.
Nichols makes an excellent point about self acceptance as the foundation of being an empathetic listener.
When you are trying to figure out why you or anyone else overreacts, keep in mind one of the great ironies of understanding: We are likely to be as accepting of others as we are of ourselves. That's why those lucky enough to be raised with self respect make better listeners. If you learn to respect other people's feelings, you will learn to treat your own feelings more kindly in the process. What we can't tolerate in others is what we can't tolerate in ourselves.
In addressing the hurdles encountered by couples, he has some very profound observations to make:
A relationship isn't some you have, it's something you do.
Sometimes marriage isn't about resolving differences, but learning to live together with them.
Second and third marriages don't fail because people keep picking the wrong partners. They fail because it's not differences that matter, but how they are negotiated.
If you want the truth from someone, you must make it safe for him or her to tell it.
While he addresses listening in the work place in very effective ways, I found the most interesting parts of the book to be about the challenges of listening to the people who matter the most to us - our family members.
Ironically, our ability to listen is often worst with the people closest to us. Conflict, habit and the pressure of emotions makes us listen least well where listening is most needed. As we move outside the family circle to those we care about but don't live with, we tend to be more open, more receptive and more flexible. Primarily because those relationships are less burdened with conflict and resentment.
In struggling to figure out just how much bandwidth I have to truly listen to the people I engage with everyday, I've come to the conclusion that not every person I encounter needs my full and undivided attention. In fact, there are people who demand attention in ways that mean it's being taken away from others in my life who are important to me. Social media demands attention in ways that are often overwhelming and many times unproductive. Emails come flowing into several email accounts at all hours, seven days a week, with an immediate response expected. So intentionality is required to make certain that the people who should have our undivided attention are the ones actually getting it.
Sometimes it makes sense to write off unrewarding relationships that aren't central to your life. That is a hard thing to do. Ultimately, saying "no" to that which is unrewarding means leaving more room for that which is rewarding.
I found this book an excellent read. If for no other reason, it reminded me of things I know to be true, but don't always practice. Honing the skill of being an active listener is an endeavor worth undertaking.
Just because something is simple, doesn't mean it's easy. Actively listening is much harder than we believe it is and this book covers the subject from so many aspects. The author is a family therapist and his wisdom comes from years of helping individuals, families and couples to figure out better ways of communicating - which starts with cultivating better listening skills.
How we communicate - and listen - goes back to how we learned to do that in our families. Our parents may be the most important unfinished business of our lives.
We relate to people in the present on the basis of expectations from the past. We continue to live in the shadows of the families we grew up in. The sometimes vast difference between words spoken and message intended is nothing compared to the often vaster difference between what is said and what it heard.
Nichols makes an excellent point about self acceptance as the foundation of being an empathetic listener.
When you are trying to figure out why you or anyone else overreacts, keep in mind one of the great ironies of understanding: We are likely to be as accepting of others as we are of ourselves. That's why those lucky enough to be raised with self respect make better listeners. If you learn to respect other people's feelings, you will learn to treat your own feelings more kindly in the process. What we can't tolerate in others is what we can't tolerate in ourselves.
In addressing the hurdles encountered by couples, he has some very profound observations to make:
A relationship isn't some you have, it's something you do.
Sometimes marriage isn't about resolving differences, but learning to live together with them.
Second and third marriages don't fail because people keep picking the wrong partners. They fail because it's not differences that matter, but how they are negotiated.
If you want the truth from someone, you must make it safe for him or her to tell it.
While he addresses listening in the work place in very effective ways, I found the most interesting parts of the book to be about the challenges of listening to the people who matter the most to us - our family members.
Ironically, our ability to listen is often worst with the people closest to us. Conflict, habit and the pressure of emotions makes us listen least well where listening is most needed. As we move outside the family circle to those we care about but don't live with, we tend to be more open, more receptive and more flexible. Primarily because those relationships are less burdened with conflict and resentment.
In struggling to figure out just how much bandwidth I have to truly listen to the people I engage with everyday, I've come to the conclusion that not every person I encounter needs my full and undivided attention. In fact, there are people who demand attention in ways that mean it's being taken away from others in my life who are important to me. Social media demands attention in ways that are often overwhelming and many times unproductive. Emails come flowing into several email accounts at all hours, seven days a week, with an immediate response expected. So intentionality is required to make certain that the people who should have our undivided attention are the ones actually getting it.
Sometimes it makes sense to write off unrewarding relationships that aren't central to your life. That is a hard thing to do. Ultimately, saying "no" to that which is unrewarding means leaving more room for that which is rewarding.
I found this book an excellent read. If for no other reason, it reminded me of things I know to be true, but don't always practice. Honing the skill of being an active listener is an endeavor worth undertaking.
October 19, 2021
According to the quiz in this book, it turns out I'm only an average listener. High average, but still average. I'm not surprised. I actually thought I might score lower than I did. Sometimes listening has been a struggle for me. I knew I'd learn things from this book as soon as I saw the title.
Here are a few things the authors say get in the way of listening:
"Being preoccupied, trying to do two things at once, having negative thoughts about the speaker, not being interested in the topic, wanting to say something about yourself, wanting to give advice, wanting to share something similar, being judgmental." (Page 80)
The thing I struggle with most is the desire to give advice. I like to help, but sometimes people just need to talk.
"Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment-- and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person." (Page 87)
I like the idea that part of being a good listener is encouraging the speaker to open up, to continue their thoughts, to elaborate. The book gives some ways to ask effective questions that show you're listening.
"Questions that show an awareness of the other person's interests and concerns may help reticent people open up."
These questions are more specific and tailored to the individual: Instead of "How's everything?" the authors suggest the example, "How are you coming with that project you've been working on?" There are other examples, but all of them show individual, specific interest.
"A good listener may need to set aside his or her own needs to tune in to the other person's, but completely selfless people don't make good listeners. You have to get listened to yourself to free you up to be receptive." (Page 91)
There's a quiz about the different ways people respond when listening. For the answers to the quiz, each number's answer is a specific type of response: "(1) is advice, (2) is criticism, (3) is an empathic comment that closes off conversation, (4) is an empathic comment that opens up conversation, and (5) is talking about yourself." It was helpful to see the examples. Clearly, inviting "people to elaborate or go deeper with what they are saying," by being a empathic listener is better. (Page 105)
The authors cover all kinds of situations that might challenge listening. The concepts are often repetitive, but some of the examples are useful.
When we are emotionally flooded, listening is almost impossible. The authors give some exercises to do when you're flooded. These are clearly mindfulness related, but good to remember as a tool to get past the natural fight or flight response that can happen when we're emotionally overwhelmed: "Notice five things that you can see. Notice four things that you can hear. Name three things you can touch. Name two things you can smell." (Page 337)
Maybe saying one prayer for help could cap off the five, four, three, and two things to notice nicely.
It takes effort to overcome the natural tendencies that impede listening. "Good listening doesn't come naturally."
"Listening is a skill, and like any skill it must be developed. But although listening can be looked at this way-- as a performance-- it can also be looked at another way, as a natural outgrowth of caring and concern for people. " (Page 346) Caring for people is the best motive to becoming a better listener.
The authors try to be funny sometimes, which sort of helps. Even though it isn't a particularly entertaining, the book is informative and helpful. I want to put many of its ideas into practice. I'm glad I read it.
Here are a few things the authors say get in the way of listening:
"Being preoccupied, trying to do two things at once, having negative thoughts about the speaker, not being interested in the topic, wanting to say something about yourself, wanting to give advice, wanting to share something similar, being judgmental." (Page 80)
The thing I struggle with most is the desire to give advice. I like to help, but sometimes people just need to talk.
"Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment-- and, for a few moments at least, existing for the other person." (Page 87)
I like the idea that part of being a good listener is encouraging the speaker to open up, to continue their thoughts, to elaborate. The book gives some ways to ask effective questions that show you're listening.
"Questions that show an awareness of the other person's interests and concerns may help reticent people open up."
These questions are more specific and tailored to the individual: Instead of "How's everything?" the authors suggest the example, "How are you coming with that project you've been working on?" There are other examples, but all of them show individual, specific interest.
"A good listener may need to set aside his or her own needs to tune in to the other person's, but completely selfless people don't make good listeners. You have to get listened to yourself to free you up to be receptive." (Page 91)
There's a quiz about the different ways people respond when listening. For the answers to the quiz, each number's answer is a specific type of response: "(1) is advice, (2) is criticism, (3) is an empathic comment that closes off conversation, (4) is an empathic comment that opens up conversation, and (5) is talking about yourself." It was helpful to see the examples. Clearly, inviting "people to elaborate or go deeper with what they are saying," by being a empathic listener is better. (Page 105)
The authors cover all kinds of situations that might challenge listening. The concepts are often repetitive, but some of the examples are useful.
When we are emotionally flooded, listening is almost impossible. The authors give some exercises to do when you're flooded. These are clearly mindfulness related, but good to remember as a tool to get past the natural fight or flight response that can happen when we're emotionally overwhelmed: "Notice five things that you can see. Notice four things that you can hear. Name three things you can touch. Name two things you can smell." (Page 337)
Maybe saying one prayer for help could cap off the five, four, three, and two things to notice nicely.
It takes effort to overcome the natural tendencies that impede listening. "Good listening doesn't come naturally."
"Listening is a skill, and like any skill it must be developed. But although listening can be looked at this way-- as a performance-- it can also be looked at another way, as a natural outgrowth of caring and concern for people. " (Page 346) Caring for people is the best motive to becoming a better listener.
The authors try to be funny sometimes, which sort of helps. Even though it isn't a particularly entertaining, the book is informative and helpful. I want to put many of its ideas into practice. I'm glad I read it.
April 9, 2025
I liked this book, but I definitely didn’t love it. This review will fall on the positive side of 3 stars because there is much more positive to mention than negative. Little lines like, “People who don’t talk to us are people who don’t expect us to listen” pack a really nice punch that effectively communicate the point being made. The book is chock full of insights that call the reader to higher heights of listening. It combats the idea that “some people just aren’t good listeners,” instead giving substantive reasons why some people struggle to listen, giving remedies to this condition. I also liked many of the notes showcasing what we can do to in order to be heard more. At its best, the book really makes one believe that good listening could save the world, leaving the readers with warm memories of being truly listened to. I love how practical it can be, and how it poses questions that can be overlooked unless held under a microscope. Hopefully it has even made a better listener out of me.
Unfortunately, I was really put off by a few things. For one, I found the author to be heavy-handed in his view of personal responsibility for speakers and listeners. In other words, if someone seems to struggle listening to you in relationship, instead of resorting to any sort of blame, the author indicates that you should try to work to communicate better on your end. While I do think this is a big thing to consider, there is no attempt to draw a line in the sand in order to weed out others who may be acting in bad faith, whether it be through intentional manipulation and abuse, or things done in ignorance or with medical impetus (like BPD, ADHD, OCD, etc). i dislike a victim mentality as much as anybody, but there comes a point where denying someone the ways they’ve been victimized can prove even more harmful. There is one pretty upsetting scenario Nichols lays out toward the end where a man has been taken advantage of by a close friend of his for years and ends up breaking off the friendship, after which he felt a true sense of liberation. To this Nichols says something along the lines of, ‘just because he felt good about it doesn’t make it so. Sometimes relationships take hard work rather than throwing in the towel.’ I found this to be upsettingly misguided, a clear pitfall of the author’s approach.
This book was also too long. To be charitable, I’d say it mirrors the complexity of human relationships by how long it is, but I think that is taking the charity a little too far in this case. Paired with the earlier note, the length can make this book feel both droning and preachy, which can make for a tedious read at times. If the author felt more compelled to take a stand against things like abuse and intentional negligence, I’d probably be able to overlook this issue more, but… here we are.
I think this book is worth a read, but it definitely won’t come to the top of my mind when people ask me for recommendations.
Unfortunately, I was really put off by a few things. For one, I found the author to be heavy-handed in his view of personal responsibility for speakers and listeners. In other words, if someone seems to struggle listening to you in relationship, instead of resorting to any sort of blame, the author indicates that you should try to work to communicate better on your end. While I do think this is a big thing to consider, there is no attempt to draw a line in the sand in order to weed out others who may be acting in bad faith, whether it be through intentional manipulation and abuse, or things done in ignorance or with medical impetus (like BPD, ADHD, OCD, etc). i dislike a victim mentality as much as anybody, but there comes a point where denying someone the ways they’ve been victimized can prove even more harmful. There is one pretty upsetting scenario Nichols lays out toward the end where a man has been taken advantage of by a close friend of his for years and ends up breaking off the friendship, after which he felt a true sense of liberation. To this Nichols says something along the lines of, ‘just because he felt good about it doesn’t make it so. Sometimes relationships take hard work rather than throwing in the towel.’ I found this to be upsettingly misguided, a clear pitfall of the author’s approach.
This book was also too long. To be charitable, I’d say it mirrors the complexity of human relationships by how long it is, but I think that is taking the charity a little too far in this case. Paired with the earlier note, the length can make this book feel both droning and preachy, which can make for a tedious read at times. If the author felt more compelled to take a stand against things like abuse and intentional negligence, I’d probably be able to overlook this issue more, but… here we are.
I think this book is worth a read, but it definitely won’t come to the top of my mind when people ask me for recommendations.
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