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Undefended Love
This book precisely maps a unique journey that turns the problems and conflicts that inevitably arise in relationships into opportunities for deeper connection. Illuminating case studies, guided self-inquiries, and challenging exercises help you discover how to engage your partner in a deeper dialogue and find ways of expressing the most profound and untamed aspects of your nature.
176 pages, Paperback
First published October 12, 2000
148 people are currently reading
765 people want to read
About the author
Jett Psaris
3 books9 followersJett Psaris, Ph.D., has inspired and supported others to embrace the full spectrum of their humanity through her writings, workshops, and private practice over the past 30 years.
She is a Nautilus Gold Award Finalist for her first book, Undefended Love, co-authored with Marlena Lyons; and author of Taking the Midlife Leap One Step at a Time, the first online course dedicated to guiding seekers through an emotionally rigorous midlife transformation into the second half of life.
Her newest book, HIDDEN BLESSINGS: MIDLIFE CRISIS AS A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING is the Gold Winner of the Nautilus Awards in the Category of Conscious Aging, and the Winner of both eh National Excellence Awards for Personal Growth Books and the Independent Press Award in the category of Spiritual Self Help. The book is also a Finalist in the Foreword Reviews Award for Body, Mind & Spirit and a Finalist in the Eric Hoffer daVinci Awards.
Her books have been referred to as “sacred texts for modern times.” For more information: www.jettpsaris.com.
She is a Nautilus Gold Award Finalist for her first book, Undefended Love, co-authored with Marlena Lyons; and author of Taking the Midlife Leap One Step at a Time, the first online course dedicated to guiding seekers through an emotionally rigorous midlife transformation into the second half of life.
Her newest book, HIDDEN BLESSINGS: MIDLIFE CRISIS AS A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING is the Gold Winner of the Nautilus Awards in the Category of Conscious Aging, and the Winner of both eh National Excellence Awards for Personal Growth Books and the Independent Press Award in the category of Spiritual Self Help. The book is also a Finalist in the Foreword Reviews Award for Body, Mind & Spirit and a Finalist in the Eric Hoffer daVinci Awards.
Her books have been referred to as “sacred texts for modern times.” For more information: www.jettpsaris.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
November 27, 2010
My daughter loaned me this book, and I found it surprisingly worthwhile. A Buddhist approach to relationships, that focuses on cultivating non-attachment? Yet it has some really good stuff in it. Focus is really on finding your true self, getting away from what it calls "personality centered relationships" (even good ones.)
It has some surprising insights. For example, why the expectation of reciprocity, consensus and even trustworthiness in a relationship are to be let go of. The authors see these qualities as the best you can get with a personality-centered relationship rather than an essence-centered one. Good, very good, but not the ultimate goal, which is more challenging:
"In an undefended relationship, instead of bandaging the symptoms, we make a conscious choice to perform the operation that will bring us to and remove the cause of the pain. We are committed to helping each other dissolve - not resolve - our issues. We encourage each other to dive into the truth of our raw inner experience -- encountering the core emotional belief that we are unwanted, less than, or flawed, certain that shoring up the personality's defenses is not going to serve either partner in the long term.
"While our partner's role is to resist the temptation to fix or distract us from what we are feeling, our role is to endure the resulting discomfort until we unearth the root of our distress....The undefended path utilizes the inevitable distress and pain that is evoked in a relationship to dissolve the lifelong patterns of behavior and reactions that keep us from directly experiencing ourselves and others in an unmediated and unrehearsed way."
(That reminds me a bit of TS Eliot's wonderful lines in East Coker:
The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer's art... )
A couple of other good passages:
"Although our survival-based conditioning has taught us to avoid uncomfortable emotional states, it is imperative to move towards them if we are committed to living and loving without our personality armor."
And:
"One of the challenges we face in cultivating intimacy is the habit of postponing the work we need to do on ourselves."
And:
"When we feel alone, we resist the temptation to distract ourselves or to connect on superficial levels. Instead, we use our experience as an opportunity to discover the fullness of 'alone'"
I found most of the meat of the book in Chapter 10. It might be worth reading just that one chapter, and if it doesn't make sense, going back to read the rest. There is a lot of psycho-babble in here, but also some really good, practical stuff about how to live more fully. I like the exercises.
It has some surprising insights. For example, why the expectation of reciprocity, consensus and even trustworthiness in a relationship are to be let go of. The authors see these qualities as the best you can get with a personality-centered relationship rather than an essence-centered one. Good, very good, but not the ultimate goal, which is more challenging:
"In an undefended relationship, instead of bandaging the symptoms, we make a conscious choice to perform the operation that will bring us to and remove the cause of the pain. We are committed to helping each other dissolve - not resolve - our issues. We encourage each other to dive into the truth of our raw inner experience -- encountering the core emotional belief that we are unwanted, less than, or flawed, certain that shoring up the personality's defenses is not going to serve either partner in the long term.
"While our partner's role is to resist the temptation to fix or distract us from what we are feeling, our role is to endure the resulting discomfort until we unearth the root of our distress....The undefended path utilizes the inevitable distress and pain that is evoked in a relationship to dissolve the lifelong patterns of behavior and reactions that keep us from directly experiencing ourselves and others in an unmediated and unrehearsed way."
(That reminds me a bit of TS Eliot's wonderful lines in East Coker:
The wounded surgeon plies the steel
That questions the distempered part;
Beneath the bleeding hands we feel
The sharp compassion of the healer's art... )
A couple of other good passages:
"Although our survival-based conditioning has taught us to avoid uncomfortable emotional states, it is imperative to move towards them if we are committed to living and loving without our personality armor."
And:
"One of the challenges we face in cultivating intimacy is the habit of postponing the work we need to do on ourselves."
And:
"When we feel alone, we resist the temptation to distract ourselves or to connect on superficial levels. Instead, we use our experience as an opportunity to discover the fullness of 'alone'"
I found most of the meat of the book in Chapter 10. It might be worth reading just that one chapter, and if it doesn't make sense, going back to read the rest. There is a lot of psycho-babble in here, but also some really good, practical stuff about how to live more fully. I like the exercises.
January 15, 2010
This book was difficult for me to read because it reminded me of a lot of problems I have and of other people I know. However, I really related to the ideas laid out and want to become less defensive and more honest in my relationships. It discussed looking at ourselves and our own root problems/insecurities instead of just blaming the other person in tense situations.
February 18, 2009
Why does it seem like I'm reading a bunch of marriage books? Coincidence? Probably.
I can't decide whether to give it 4 stars for awesome concept or 3 stars for my inability to enact the philosophy. However, I really do like the point that the author makes, which is that when we get upset with our partner for a particular action or lack thereof, it indicates what parts of ourselves are not whole.
The author presents the allegory of the broken toe. If our toe is fine, when our spouse steps on it, we say "urg, geroff!" and all is well. However, if our toe is already broken before our spouse steps on it, it causes distress, and we may express anxiety, resentment, sadness, or even anger because of the intense pain that his or her carelessness caused.
So, each of us has parts of our personality that are "broken" or not whole. We may feel we are unlovable, not "enough", a failure, out of control, etc. We create our personalities to cover and support our feelings of inadequacy, but the people we love the most continue to step on that broken toe, or behave in ways that indicate that our cover does not work and our insecurity is in fact true. However, the problem does not lie with them, it lies with us. We are angry because our own "toe" is broken, not because they have done anything horrible.
I wonder if I can come to a point where I never get angry with my husband anymore? Lol! This is a VERY interesting read, although I don't understand how to accomplish all the "uncover your real self" stuff. I recommend it.
I can't decide whether to give it 4 stars for awesome concept or 3 stars for my inability to enact the philosophy. However, I really do like the point that the author makes, which is that when we get upset with our partner for a particular action or lack thereof, it indicates what parts of ourselves are not whole.
The author presents the allegory of the broken toe. If our toe is fine, when our spouse steps on it, we say "urg, geroff!" and all is well. However, if our toe is already broken before our spouse steps on it, it causes distress, and we may express anxiety, resentment, sadness, or even anger because of the intense pain that his or her carelessness caused.
So, each of us has parts of our personality that are "broken" or not whole. We may feel we are unlovable, not "enough", a failure, out of control, etc. We create our personalities to cover and support our feelings of inadequacy, but the people we love the most continue to step on that broken toe, or behave in ways that indicate that our cover does not work and our insecurity is in fact true. However, the problem does not lie with them, it lies with us. We are angry because our own "toe" is broken, not because they have done anything horrible.
I wonder if I can come to a point where I never get angry with my husband anymore? Lol! This is a VERY interesting read, although I don't understand how to accomplish all the "uncover your real self" stuff. I recommend it.
October 31, 2021
I found this really helpful as a deeper step for exploring oneself in a relationship. I know that book Attached (about attachment styles) has become really popular but this has far more heft in considering how and when intense emotions become an opportunity for growth.
The ultimate goal is to relate with others not just on personality level but as your deeper essential self without clinging to a certain dance. (say, trying to prevent conflict or ease your particular flavor of baggage)
It's fairly prescriptive yet not oversimplified and I could easily read it again for even more learning.
The ultimate goal is to relate with others not just on personality level but as your deeper essential self without clinging to a certain dance. (say, trying to prevent conflict or ease your particular flavor of baggage)
It's fairly prescriptive yet not oversimplified and I could easily read it again for even more learning.
October 31, 2017
For those of us that may need some help learning to love, this book offered a great way to develop a language and understanding around cultivating a loving relationship.
April 30, 2012
Being a writer and specializing on the aspects of “love”, I find this book very well thought out and researched. The book “hit’s the nail on the head” in understanding the components of relationships and where they fit in with love.
I think it gives a clear well rounded “step by step” approached to having a healthy love with one’s self and one’s partner.
With that said, I can tell the writers are “therapists” and not in the business of writing. I find the title is “cheesy” and a poor terminology approach to something in dealing with humankind’s most complex emotion.
Furthermore, I think when one writes to “explain” something, there is a language you use for men and there is a language you use for women. This book is clearly language used for women and most men will either be turned off by how this is presented or give the “ok nod” but not really digest it’s true meaning.
So, I would recommend this book to any woman but not really recommended it to your “typical guy” unless he has the rare but special ability to transpose “women speak” into something he can understand.
I feel badly because I have to be so critical of this book when I really feel it’s a great read which is why I give it a 4 out of 5.
This book would have been better if it came in two volumes, one for men and another for women.
I think it gives a clear well rounded “step by step” approached to having a healthy love with one’s self and one’s partner.
With that said, I can tell the writers are “therapists” and not in the business of writing. I find the title is “cheesy” and a poor terminology approach to something in dealing with humankind’s most complex emotion.
Furthermore, I think when one writes to “explain” something, there is a language you use for men and there is a language you use for women. This book is clearly language used for women and most men will either be turned off by how this is presented or give the “ok nod” but not really digest it’s true meaning.
So, I would recommend this book to any woman but not really recommended it to your “typical guy” unless he has the rare but special ability to transpose “women speak” into something he can understand.
I feel badly because I have to be so critical of this book when I really feel it’s a great read which is why I give it a 4 out of 5.
This book would have been better if it came in two volumes, one for men and another for women.
April 18, 2016
This book is incredible.
I would say this is an invaluable tool for anyone looking to change the relationships in their lives, not only with significant others, but with the self, family, and friends as well.
This book takes a hard look at the ways we sabotage our own connections to other people out of a fear of vulnerability and an unwillingness to dig into our own fears of being alone. It provides step by step ways to start challenging those fears and to start loving in a more open, honest, and vulnerable way.
This is not a book one will likely be able to barrel through over the course of a short period of time. I encourage the reader to take it slowly and to really give time between chapters and ideas to digest new and uncomfortable ideas about the ways we relate to one another.
Please read this book!
I would say this is an invaluable tool for anyone looking to change the relationships in their lives, not only with significant others, but with the self, family, and friends as well.
This book takes a hard look at the ways we sabotage our own connections to other people out of a fear of vulnerability and an unwillingness to dig into our own fears of being alone. It provides step by step ways to start challenging those fears and to start loving in a more open, honest, and vulnerable way.
This is not a book one will likely be able to barrel through over the course of a short period of time. I encourage the reader to take it slowly and to really give time between chapters and ideas to digest new and uncomfortable ideas about the ways we relate to one another.
Please read this book!
January 5, 2018
If you’re parenting with attachment theory in mind and have wondered how to translate that into your adult relationships this is the book for you. Very practical explanation of how to get at your core essential self which is paramount in developing a secure attachment. The book does have a touch of eastern religious influence but not at all overwhelming. If you aren’t receptive to spiritual enlightenment or working on yourself at a very deep level then give this one a hard pass. If you want to get out of your self destructive cycles, quit having the same relational problems over and over and feel ready and open to whatever may come in life then this is a GREAT place to start. I would give this book 10 stars if I could!
January 12, 2016
From the beginning, it is clear that this book seeks to integrate attachment theory and Buddhist spiritual principles of non-attachment. The basic idea proposed by the author is that our personalities, in order to remain emotionally secure, require us to defend ourselves against contradictory experiences. Presumably, by exploring how we suffer as a result of the characteristics we cling to in our personalities, and tolerating the discomfort that results of not trying to adjust life to match our desires, we can reach a state of "non-preference" that allows for more open experiences with our partner. I am neither convinced by the premise, nor the buzz words that fill the book.
October 28, 2011
It's not a perfect book, and it has a few chapters that get a little "fluffy", but aside from this, it's one of the powerful books I've seen about dismantling the programming that has us cut off from each other, and how to experience true intimacy.
February 2, 2008
Read it. It will save your relationship. It's the most humbling and amazing book I read in 07.
May 21, 2022
A profound read for sure. Much more than one of those “you have to love yourself before anyone else” self help books — which sometimes come off as repetitive, chatty, etc — but I thoroughly enjoyed both authors approach to creating long lasting, loving relationships. Increased my self-awareness of my own behavior/habits too.
November 13, 2018
A must read, life changing, eye opening book!
May 29, 2020
Right book at the right time. Grateful to the friend who gifted this.
May 28, 2021
Crisp clear on the philosophy and framework. Not fluffy actual content. First 3-4 chapters hold the core thesis like most of the books of this kind.
January 24, 2022
Turned right around for a second read.
November 25, 2024
Recommend for anyone who wants to seek a deeper understanding and relationship with yourself and others.
January 3, 2017
有些啰嗦。道理比较简单，不确信是否适合所有人。
March 12, 2017
This book was so beneficial for me to understand relationship in an entirely new way.
It allowed me to take the focus off my partner and deeply contact myself in a meaningful way.
Very well written and insightful.
It allowed me to take the focus off my partner and deeply contact myself in a meaningful way.
Very well written and insightful.
March 8, 2008
I read the book as a part of a course that Gay and Katie Hendricks (Conscious Loving) conducted in Ojai California.
Undefended Love borrows a lot of ideas from Enneagram theory and from psychology. A primary assumption of the book is that in order for change to occur you must get beyond your compensatory personality into authentic emotional experience. It is only by being in the moment and feeling what is behind the personality that one can truly grow. It is a very transpersonal approach to development and the analogies and examples will be easy for the average person to identify with.
Undefended Love borrows a lot of ideas from Enneagram theory and from psychology. A primary assumption of the book is that in order for change to occur you must get beyond your compensatory personality into authentic emotional experience. It is only by being in the moment and feeling what is behind the personality that one can truly grow. It is a very transpersonal approach to development and the analogies and examples will be easy for the average person to identify with.
May 16, 2015
I can imagine that sitting through a workshop with the authors would produce profound changes in the way a participant views themselves. Reading this book alone, without the guidance of a therapist, I found it difficult to process the material. And yet, despite the fact that much of the time I caught myself wondering what the authors were trying to convey, there is enough substance to give me food for thought. More concrete examples would have improved the book significantly.
November 5, 2012
Each person in my Masters Couples Therapy class of 18 students read a "self-help" book on relationships. In my opinion, this was the best one, by far. A very powerful approach to finding your real self within a relationship and developing deep intimacy. Applicable to anyone -- in a relationship or not. GLBT-friendly.
February 7, 2015
I included this book in the repertoire of books and academic studies that I used for my Master's thesis about relationships and I applied its teaching to my relationship with myself and my [now deceased] wife and it facilitated openness in me that contributed to the openness in our relationship. I highly recommend this book!
March 1, 2016
this says it all: "Learning to tolerate the flood of emotions that follow when we do not get what we need turns our attention toward the essential qualities that lie dormant in our being. If we are to reach our full potential for intimacy in relationships, we must relax our need to have our needs met" (139). Provocative & disarming.
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December 3, 2007I think the point is to learn more about myself. to learn how I can love openly and wholly. and to understand my limits and triggers, or even just identify them. but the thing is to do it. the reflection exercises help. tbc...
March 10, 2008
I can already tell this is going to be too new-agey for me, but what did I expect, I suppose. Kind of like yoga class, I will take from it what I can and ignore all the incredibly simplistic "all-people-are-good-in-their-essence" stuff.
September 20, 2011
This book is a must-read for anyone who has ever been in or will be in relationship, so I guess it's a must-read for everyone! Amazing, life-changing. Filled with easy to grasp, difficult to apply concepts about being in relationship. Truly a gift to all its readers.
April 4, 2015
A very worthy handbook to deepening your intimate relationships. But darn! Turns out I can't change my husband's annoying habits! I have to change myself instead. What a lot of work. Took me months to read because i did most of the exercises recommended -- and they weren't fun.
April 7, 2016
A good in depth book for anyone or couple that really wants to get into a deeper relationship with their partner or even themselves. It is a lot to digest, and some parts are quite heavy, but overall good.
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September 12, 2007its gud and teachs mre love lessons
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews