Lost & Found: The Adoption Experience

by Betty Jean Lifton

Rich in insight and compassion, Lost and Found is an eloquent exploration of the psychological issues faced by adoptees and by all children who have been separated from a parent and denied the right to know their true origins. Betty Jean Lifton, herself an adoptee, draws upon her own experience and her extensive work with adoptees, birth mothers and fathers, and adoptive parents to explore the harmful effects of secrecy on the identity of a child and the liberating possibilities of openness. A new Preface links the psychology of the adopted to that of babies born of surrogacy and other reproductive technologies. And a new Afterword explores the most recent developments in the adoption field, such as post-adoption counseling, open adoption, and the controversy around the adoption syndrome. The author concludes with a code of rights and responsibilities for everyone in the adoption circle, along with an updated list of support groups and counseling clinics for the adoption triad in the United States and Canada.

Genres: Adoption, Nonfiction, Psychology, Parenting

321 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1979

About the author

Betty Jean (BJ) Lifton, PhD, was a writer and adoption counselor, who was one of the leading advocates of adoption reform. She is an authority on the psychology of the adopted child, birth parents, and adoptive parents, as well as the complexity of search and reunion.

Reviews

[Jean-Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a friend who is adopted or if you are adopted yourself, I'd highly recommend this book. If you are at all considering, I very, very highly recommend this book! It gives incredible insight into the minds of the adopted first and foremost, but also the parents both birth and adopting. After reading this book, if you know someone who is adopted, you will find yourself saying, "Oh, so THAT'S why s/he behaves the way s/he does in certain situations!"

The psychological impact of adoption on all involved in the process is very often swept under the rug because adoption is a "great thing". And I whole-heartedly agree that adoption is a great thing, but to not face head-on the effects that the process can have on all involved is bordering on criminal.

[Michael Thomas Angelo · Rating 5 out of 5]

instrumental in my development. I wouldn't be who I am today without it.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was written in 1979, so some things are a bit antiquated. I wish I would have known about this book growing up, it would have made such a difference!

[Max SeungJae Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having few adopted friends myself, I realized their voices are completely subdued - perspective of both adoptee, their birth parents, and adoptive parents are not shared enough. So many questions about what their upbringing has been like, their internal struggle, or an effort trying to make sense of the world. But it’s true that we are should be cautious and sensitive when asking these kind of questions to them . So this book lays out their journey from the birth and even after reunion with birth parents. Even glimpse of what was their internal narrative while growing up with different siblings.

One thing I wished from the book is inclusion of adoptees’ experiences from those who are racially different from their adoptive family.

Overall, it’s a good read especially if you have friends or family members who are adopted and want to understand them best way possible.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book was eye opening in multiple ways. I felt like the author had been living in my brain my whole life and was writing down my thoughts and feelings. As an adoptee, I felt seen and understood like I have never been before. This book is applicable to anyone adopted, considering adopting, or has already adopted. There is a lot of information and causes the reader to have open minds and to read to understand things from different perspectives. Have an open and willing to learn posture if deciding to read this book.

[Nora Olmo · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book keeps you informed with a lot of insightful information... the DOORS need to be OPENED for US all!!!! the TRUTH needs to COME --OPENED--UP.... these people that keep our files CLOSED are narcissistic people...they have secrets themselves...history......

[Lisa Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although dated, this is a foundational text in adoption and should be read by everyone interested in adoption research.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read at a time when I needed affirmation about my experiences being an adoptee. Very helpful!

[Kikireads · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic. When this was published it was the ONLY thing relevant addressing adoptee experience.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great resource... it helped me in a time where I thought I knew about being adopted. I was surprised how little I knew about it... really deep into the actions and the reasons why... that I was not a bad kid and it was all normal. This is a must book for anyone wanting to adopt or even someone who is an adoptee like myself. this will clear up any questions of behavior and reason.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book makes some very good points, but it is extremely outdated.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Betty Jean Lifton is part of the unofficial Adoption/Adoptee Canon. Read it if you are part of the triad.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

A little too dated.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone interested in the topic of adoption. The author, who is an adoptee herself, very thoroughly examines the adoption experience, looking at it from every angle: the adoptee, the adopter, and the birth parents. She especially focuses on what it is like to be adopted and the struggles most adopted people face in their lives. It was very eyeopening to me and very valuable. The book is quite depressing, though, because it does focus so much on the problems associated with adoption. It doesn't offer a lot of hope or help, but does aid tremendously with understanding...which is the first major building block in coming up with solutions. I would recommend this book to anyone thinking about adopting, people who have been adopted, people who know someone who is adopted, and anyone who wants to understand the adoption experience (which should be everyone).

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book after finding more recent "adoption experience" guides to be less applicable. I didn't find out I was adopted until my 30's and it is still an issue cloaked in strangeness with my adoptive parents. I am in communication with my biological family, and this book address an earlier era in adoption that I fall into by circumstance.

I found this book very helpful and informative in many ways. It depicts some of the difficulties adoptees have when information is kept from there, treated as shameful, or irrelevant. It also discusses the reality that most birth parents do desire contact a some point.

The only area I found problematic was the dated presentation regarding homosexuality. However, this was not offensive---simply out of date assumptions.

[Rhonda Rae Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book...it helped me find some direction!!!! I felt lost until I found our that my birth wasn't in a cabbage patch...whew...(-: Betty is a wonderful author and I have read other books she has written.

[Jen Gibbs embree · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for any adoptee. I could have written this book myself, I found it so relative. Thanks to this book I am going thru a difficult but very necessary awakening concerning being adopted.

[Susan Bennett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This helped me a lot. Perfect timing. Perfect book.