MachoPoni: A Prance with Death

Poniworld Chronicles #1

by Lotus Rose

MachoPoni must rescue his girlfriend, Dust, from The Land of the Undead Ponies.Unfortunately, to do so, he must become one of the undead, himself.Along the way, he encounters a pony with a mohawk, the Chill-Aid Man (who’s filled with blood), and the CuddleBears, (who have porcupine quills and like to give deadly hugs).(The illustrations are included inside the book.)This first volume of the dementedly funny 80’s nostalgia series, The Poniworld Chronicles, introduces us to MachoPoni. He’s a purple pony who tries to act tough, but has a heart of gold.And his heart has a soft spot for a female pony named Dust. He’s loved her ever since they were children, though many would call him a fool for doing so. Because most ponies would call Dust cruel and manipulative. But the part of her that MachoPoni fell in love with, is a part deep inside that she doesn’t show to others.These books are darkly humorous, twisted parodies that maybe children shouldn’t be allowed to read. They’re truly “children’s books for adults and teens,” delivered with a twisted sense of humor.

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Fantasy, Fiction, Zombies

148 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 1, 2009

About the author

Lotus Rose is like this generation’s twisted, more adult version of Roald Dahl. And since Lotus wrote a continuation of Alice in Wonderland, he’s also like the demented doppelganger of Lewis Carroll. But he’s not like one of those doppelgangers who kills the original then takes their place, because Lewis Carroll is already dead. Really, though, Lotus is a sweetheart.
His style can best be described as “children’s stories for adults.” He retains all the best of children’s literature—the imagination, the playfulness, the outright weirdness—then adds an additional layer of mature themes and subjects. And often with a dark sense of humor.
So, if you ever wanted to revisit your childhood, to reexperience the wonder of children’s literature, but without all the innocent naivety holding you back, the Lotus Rose books are sure to deliver. From The Poniworld Chronicles, to The Malice in Wonderland Saga to The Twisted Holiday Specials, you’ll love his twisted takes on sacred childhood institutions, and are guaranteed to laugh throughout.

Here's a short poem he wrote:

O, shall I be like the lotus,
And bring you dark dreams and soft sighs?
Or shall I be like the rose is,
Sweet-scented and tempting your eyes?

For the unending sleep can seduce you,
To the world behind unseeing eyes.
And the beauty that beckons, then cuts you,
Is also the cruelest of lies.

Lotus currently lives in Austin, Texas. He likes Newcastle Brown Ale.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

i meant to write a really great DBR of this book yesterday, for easter, because there is no more respectful way to acknowledge a religious holiday that celebrates "that which comes back from death" and chocolate than by reviewing a book about my little pony zombies.

alas, the D of the BR made me pretty lazy and it was one of those situations where i wrote a brilliant one in my head as i sprawled on the couch, but it evaporated and now i have nothing.

however, the minute i typed "zombie my little ponies," more than half of you should have been pulling on your pants and shoes and heading for the door to go buy this. why do i imagine that more than half of you are not wearing pants? i just do.

i don't think this is the greatest book ever written, but it might be the best book about zombie my little ponies, spiky care bears, and a kool-aid man filled with blood. so far.

the illustrations are pretty great, and the story manages to be dark and sad and funny and about all the sacrifices we make for love. it's just good fun.

i love the flutterfly ponies, i hate the musical interludes, and although i may no longer be D, here is my BR.

come to my blog!

[The Crimson Fucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! There I said it!! !i love My Little Pony!


The dude* who wrote this book put together some of the most amazing things in life and wrote an awesome book about it! Things like zombie ponies and chocolate! And fucking evil goats! (Billphomet is the shit!!) and dance offs! And freaking evil care bears!!! FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!! Page after page all I could think was “why didn’t I came up with this shit!? This is gold!!!!” down right one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written!



*: sorry dude who wrote this book, but I’m writing this review on my phone and I’m too lazy to go check what your real name is.

[Ana Perkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

The moment I finished Thing book the only that went through my mind was "What did I just read?" I know that not normally a good thing especially when reading a book but wow this book was odd and great yet disturbing. I do not know how to really explain it other than all the old beloved childhood mascots of merchandise finally got a big dose of both reality and drugs and now are trying to find rehabe in Wonderland. I also feel like their are things left unanswered and I still little confused about the ending but I can easily forgive it all for what I believe was boat load of work and detail. Sure most of the characters are pretty bland and or jerks but it feels like a twisted children cartoon. The characters sing and plots are solved using nostalgic children plots like believing in yourself which is a valuable lesson to learn. I would not suggest reading this to children to do the disturbing and gory content that are intended for older readers. Either way this a fun book with some humor but with a dark twist. This book is definitely not for everyone but it probably will not hurt to rad it yourself and form your own opinions.

[Steven Shroyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was recommended to me by Bizarro Author Bradley Sands(of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You and Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy fame) as a book for someone like me who is in the internet fandom known as Bronies(Male fans of My Little Pony). While it may not have such beloved characters as Derpy Hooves or Rainbow Dash it still should be on every Brony's reading list right beside the fan fiction staples "Cupcakes" and "My Little Dashie". This book is like if Monty Python, The Zucker Brothers and My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic guru Lauren Faust decided to give Hasbro the finger and do a really gonzo My Little Pony movie. Parodies of 80's music video staples, childhood icons, and a twist ending that would make M. Night Shyamalan give up film making, give this book an edge like no other. A real treat for Bronies and 80's nerds!

[Jade Lopert · Rating 2 out of 5]

I want to like this better. I really do. People/authors I love and respect to death have given it top rating on here.
The concept was awesome. Twisted My Little Ponies and Carebears, yay!
Unfortunately that's about as far as it went for most of it. The writing is incredibly repetitive in places. Like repeating the same thing within the space of three sentences repetitive.
The ending just happened. It didn't even have much to do with the rest of the story.

It was an entertaining enough piece of fluff, but if it had been any longer, I would have absolutely hated it, I think.

[William III · Rating 3 out of 5]

The artwork is fantastic. :)

[Zoe · Rating 2 out of 5]

Being a huge fan of My Lil' Pony, I was stoked to read this. But within a few chapters my enthusiasm was cooling. The main problem is, it's trying too hard to be cute and gross at the same time.

This is supposed to be a bizarro version of the Lil' Ponies. In this world, humans died off and the world split into two sides. On the light side are the good "loving" ponies, while the evil undead ponies are on the other side, snacking on...chocolate mint. And blood. So obviously, these are the evil ponies.

Except, every single living pony acts like a jerk. The zombies ponies also act like jerks, so it's hard to tell the difference between a good pony and a bad pony aside from the undead having grey fur and silver eyes.

Macho kills a zombie by intentionally taunting it to chase him back to the pastel side, where it drops dead and dissolves. Clint verbally abuses Macho to make himself look tough. Dust...Dust is a tramp who makes herself thoroughly repugnant in a musical number about her "tramp stamp."

And there's musical numbers every few pages. While I'm normally a fan of musical numbers in fiction, every song in the story is painful to read. And there's so many cringe-worthy songs that they suck the joy out of Macho's quest.

And finally, I don't believe the writer has looked at many ponies, lil' or not, since ponies in the story age like humans and use human facial expressions like scowling, pouting, and wrinkling the nose. The number of times that Macho "pouts severely" will make adverb hounds develop an eye tic. A severely bad eye tic that will make them pout...severely.

Less half the musical numbers, I might have still enjoyed this as a silly bizarro story that spoofs the Care Bears and the Kool-Aid Man along with the Lil' Ponies. But with the musical acts in, making it to the end of the book was a drag. I give it two stars.

[The Shayne-Train · Rating 2 out of 5]

Let me preface this with a shocking confession: I am a Brony. (The crowd gasps. A lady passes out. Oh, yikes, she hit her head. There's blood and everything.)

Now, in my defense, I have a seven-year-old stepdaughter. But it matters not how I got to BE a Brony. I am one.

Therefore, I was extremely excited for this. A bizarro take on MLP? Sign me up, everypony!

Sadly, this book didn't deliver what I was expecting. Maybe it was my fault; maybe I over-hyped it to myself.

This book was not, in my opinion, "bizarro." When I see that term, I start drooling for unbelievably weird situations, large helpings of ultra violence with stomach-churning descriptions of gore, and extremely gross sex acts that both arouse and repel.

This book was PG13 at best (not counting that one page on which swearing was explained to Macho). It's simply a vaguely weird satire of MLP and other 80's children's pop culture staples. So why market it as bizarro? To get that weirdo market niche?

Anywho, this book left a sour taste in my mouth, and not in the way I was hoping it would.

[Christy Stewart · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is adorable and I just love the illustrations (there should have been more!) but I've got to be a little hard on it. Since the book is advertised as a Bizarro version of My Little Pony, I was hoping for a little more relevance to the MLP universe, or satire of it, at least. It seemed like the author thought it would be a funny idea and shrugged off having never seen the show/read the original books.

Not to save myself from seeming like too much of a geek or anything, but I have one more complaint; the plot should have been tighter or the scenes should have been punchier. One or the other if not both.

[Stephanie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Never again

[Bab]

Sí, ¿qué pasa? Estoy de vacaciones y leo lo que me da la gana, ¿vale?

Además, que ni tan mal, empieza como 1,5/2*, luego va subiendo hasta un 3*, y hacia el final y cuando lo de la cabra (sic) es de 4*. Mucho mejor que fuera in crescendo en vez de al revés.

[The whole 1st half should have been much more funny instead of plain straight and "serious", but no hurt feelings. It only made the goat scene all the funnier, I wasn't anticipating laughing out loud by then, nice surprise!]

[Rhonda Rankin · Rating 3 out of 5]

NOT FOR SMALL CHILDREN. This is a wonderfully odd and disturbing take on some of our childhood favorites. My little pony, care bears and the koolaid man. There is even chocolate and a princess and Billy goat gruff. There are a few pictures at the beginning of chapters that add incite of what's to come.

[Brenda Pitzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a good book for me my name is raven

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Um......

[Harlee Quinn Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

MachoPoni

It is OK but the end is sad. When i first read it i cryed a little but it is a good book.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Weird. I don’t even have words.

[Robert Beveridge · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lotus Rose, MachoPoni: A Prance with Death (Spunk Goblin Press, 2010)

Lotus Rose (for the record, the author is male; I didn't catch that until I got to the “About the Author” bit) opens the PoniWorld Chronicles series (as of this writing, 5Dec2013, there are six PoniWorld books available) with MachoPoni: A Prance with Death. Now, there are odd books. If you've had any brushes with the bizarro movement, you are well aware of this, and there are all sort of weird psychedelic artifacts from the sixties and all that just awaiting your reading pleasure. And then there are the really weird books, the true chronicles of what-the-fuckery most often found in the “new age” section of your local bookstore, self-published awful poetry, Birth Control Is Sinful in the Christian Marriages, and the stuff that even the local porn merchant keeps under the counter because he can't stand to look at it—the literary equivalents of Sharknado or The Room.

And then there is MachoPoni.

What. In. The. Flying. Hell.

“And so, brain freeze lobotomy,
Offends like a smiling enemy.
The betrayer's acts, they bring such pain,
But roofies swipe it from the brain.”
(from “The Legend of Machoponi, Part the Second”)

Among the terrifying poetry and retooled song lyrics (the PoniWorld version of Run-DMC's “It's Tricky”, credited of course to Run-P.O.Knee, is especially hilarious, or especially nauseating depending on your point of view), there is in fact a novel here. The plot: Macho and his pals live in Pastel Kingdom, the southern half of PoniWorld, where everything is bright and rainbow-y. He has a rival, Clint, and the two of them are currently at odds over Dust, Macho's childhood friend/crush and Clint's current squeeze. The two of them are set to compete in a dance-off in a week's time (that Dust's favor is the prize is never explicitly stated, but is always hanging in the background). Macho, who is the proud owner of an enchanted blue bouncy ball, is playing with it one day when an errant kick sends it over the Jagged Line into the northern half of PoniWorld—the Dark Kingdom, home to the undead ponis. (No, I am not making this up.) Macho goes to retrieve his ball and encounters one of the bands of undead-poni sentries, having a little fun with them along the way (and killing their leader in the process as he attempts to chase Macho back over the Jagged Line—it seems that while regular ponis can survive in the Dark Kingdom for a limited amount of time, undead ponis are instantly destroyed if they try to enter the Pastel Kingdom). The dance-off arrives, and, trying to to be too spoilery here, things go disastrously wrong, ending up with Dust in the Dark Kingdom and Clint pleading with Macho to rescue her from the clutches of the Dark Kingdom's mysterious ruler. Thus begins Macho's journey through the Dark Kingdom, a pretty standard (if abbreviated; the book lasts just 148 pages) quest narrative informed in roughly equal parts—unless, of course, I am reading way too much into it (which is not an unreasonable assumption)—by Dante's Inferno and The Lord of the Rings.

I don't need to tell you, having quoted a bit of it above (and trust me, this thing is full of crazy quotes along those lines), that this is just awful stuff, but it is that particular brand of awful that, if you are a connoisseur of car-accident literature like T. P. Mina and Eliyzabeth Yanne Strong-Anderson, you will want to get your hands on immediately, if not sooner. Also, while there's nothing explicitly linked to the furry community in this book, there's a definite push in that direction during the poni dance scene (and it didn't take Rose long to head off down that road; the fourth book in the series is Dust in Your Eyes: An Erotic Poni Tale). In every empirical sense, this should be on, in fact should probably top, my worst reads of the year list. And yet I find myself oddly tempted, when the inevitable christimas Amazon gift cards come rolling in, to pick up the other five extant books and take another journey to PoniWorld at my earliest convenience. I can't bring myself to give it an above-average, or even average, rating, but I will say that if it's your thing, you'll want to give it a go. It's so whacked-out that you may even find yourself...enjoying it. **

[Tarl · Rating 3 out of 5]

With the upsurge of MLP fans out there, this book is going to get a lot of exposure and new readers. I myself picked it up thanks to the 4th gen ponies revitalizing my love of the entire fandom. I read some of the reviews and then finally shelled out the money for the book.

The story itself is fairly solid. It's a standard quest story with tributes to the 80s smattered through it in fairly interesting ways and gives you just a hint of memories from when most of us were kids. The characters themselves, mainly Dust and Macho are the real winners when it comes to this story. Though pretty much the entire interaction between them reads like a Jr. Highschool plot, the characters themselves are still pretty interesting. (even while you try to figure out just what the hell is up with Dust until you finally find out) I can honestly say that the characters alone are the reason this book got 3 instead of 2 stars, and would be the sole reason I would read this again.

As for the rest of the book, the writing is packed with errors. Macho pouts more often than any other being in the whole planet. If he's not pouting, someone else is. Adjectives litter each and every sentance like weeds in a beautiful park and completely destroy the story. (my personal favorite is 'icily') If Rose had just simply used a more professional way of writing his sentances the story would have had a lot more shine to it and would have read far better. As it stands, it really feels like it was written in Jr. High. (as mentioned above)

The songs are also distracting, and I often skipped over them as they were non-essential to the plot and everything that was going on. They felt like filler to increase page count rather than something that was supposed to be there. The story would lose nothing with them being taken out, and though a tribute to all children's movies of the 80s, this book would have been stronger without them.

The last thing that struck me as odd was the 'About the Author' at the end of the book. Where most authors talk about themselves, Rose instead talks about Frat boys being dumb. Personally, I find it detrimental to the image of an author as being a professional when you decide to have an emo rant about frat boys in a place where you instead should give the reader a bit more about you. It just looks really unprofessional.

But, in the end, I still give this book three stars. Fans of MLP may enjoy this if they can look past their own fandom and see the book for what it is. It's a good, quick read and for all the issues with it, there is a lot of potential in the characters and story itself. I would recommend this to those that enjoy MLP and was born in the 80s. Otherwise, you may not enjoy it as much.

Still unsure if I will read his next poni book.

[Aimeekay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not your kid sister’s MLP! I originally picked it up on a whim, at first not sure if it was a parody or not. I’m really glad I picked it up. It is a dark comedy and soooo funny! I think having grown up with the original shows that are poked fun at in the book made it that much funnier. It was a fun, if twisted, check that VERY twisted, romp down memory lane.
I’m not sure if someone not familiar with the cultural references would find it as amusing as I did. Most of the fun is seeing how twisted the author gets. I also would have liked to see more of the artwork. Only two or three pictures were included besides the cover art. I’m not saying turn it into a picture book, but it would have been fun to see more.
As I said above the books humor is quite dark and there are also some rather disturbing parts. This isn’t a little kid’s book and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone under 18. But overall I thoroughly enjoyed it and can’t wait to read more of the authors work.

[Emory · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spunk Goblin Press is a fabulous idea. Weird books for children. What could go wrong? Dr. Seuss did it. Roald Dahl did it. Well, while it may be true that many children's books are weird, Machoponi is most certainly NOT for children. I say this not as a negative, but more as a warning to parents who may not be comfortable exposing their children to more mature themes carefully woven into a VERY entertaining story. Lotus Rose crafted a nice nostalgic hodgepodge of cultural references from the 25 to 35 year old demographic's collective childhood, ran it through a sausage grinder, and served it with some fine cheese and wine. THE STORY IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. The dichotomy of life and death, the malaise of being unable to do what you love, the pain of getting too close to others and the classic theme of love lost are all presented in a fun, humorous, and wholly worthwhile read. Machoponi will leave you in tears of joy or deep sadness, one way or the other.

[Michele Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not for everyone, but as a girl weaned on the 80s love-caring-kindness-and-wishes toy section it hit home. It does get repetitive, but that's the point. The author is very self aware of the clichés and hammers the point home as much as that special genre of kids media does as well. Despite Machoponi's naivety with a side of meanness, this is a story about a decent, caring person (pony) learning that corruption and bitterness and betrayal affects all sides. even if the world is literally split in half with one pastel side and one dark side both sides brew their evils and dishonesties. And maybe apathy isn't so much an evil as a callous on the soul of the disappointed. Okay, so the book doesn't get that poetic, but it tracks a completely understandable hero track from bright shiny innocent optimism through a stab of realism.

[Alexis · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was expecting a more interesting story. It's getting three stars because it has good ingredients just not properly mixed to my taste.

More diversity in the attitudes of the ponies would have been good, instead of all the males being jack@sses and all the females being trampy b*tches. Honestly my favorite character was Darkeyes because he had the most diversity to him in the few lines of which he was a part of the story.
The Flutter-Fly Poni line was a bit hard to swallow for me. *spoiler* The whole chapter I kept thinking "Really!? The entire time they've been without their abiltiy to fly and not one of them ever thought on their own that if they just bounced high enough they would bring back their ability to fly?!"
The Chill-Aid Man chapter was written well, though predictable.

[Alexis Masters · Rating 1 out of 5]

Yep, you read the title correctly. This is a parody of My Little Pony, along with a mix of other random things (like the Kool-Aid Man). I honestly don’t even know what to say about this. I’m pretty certain part of my brain is hiding in a corner, shivering and twitching now. It did qualify for my “Worst Books Ever” search, so that’s good. The really surprising thing was after the book was over, and I was reading the “About the Author” section – I think that was even stranger than the actual story. Even more disturbing is the knowledge that there are more books in this series. No, I will not be reading them.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

This story makes me wish I still had my collection of My Little Ponies and Carebears, so I could recreate this story in film form. Very amusing and imaginative, even though in some parts Macho got on my nerves. However, this story would make a good film to be marketed to those of us who are products of the 80's. The artwork is fantastic, I just wish some of the scenes were tighter and not so drawn out like a bad emo music video. Oh, and Praise The Infurnal Goat by far had the best song.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a magical and fantastical send up of a slew of 80's icons. Machoponi is a good-natured poni who must embark on a dangerous mission to save the poni he loves. He encounters apathetic Cuddlebears, zombie ponis, and a giant, blood-filled glass pitcher with a perma-grin called The Chill-Aid Man. Most of these characters spontaneously break into song. A sweet fantasy story that left me with warm fuzzies...especially the part with the "Safety Dance" reference.

[Stefanie Von Guest · Rating 3 out of 5]

Literally just got done reading this book. At first I didn't really like it.. it seemed to drag on a lot with pointless descriptions of pointless actions such as characters constantly " dipping their heads" and " pouting severely" but eventually the story gripped me and a couple of characters were introduced that I really liked, such as The Chill-aid-man and Billphomet. It was cute.

[Donald Armfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice little love story with a little horror side.
Macho travels to the darkside to save his long time love Dust. His adventure takes him to strange places with the people to go with it.
Think 80's flashback Saturday Morning cartoons, Bizarro Style! (PG-13)

[Misty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Absolutely fun and the imagery was fantastic, I purchased three other Poni stories a couple months ago and look forward to reading them for 2016 :)

[Samara Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sad

well why does that have to be so sad? I wish dust would cross over to the pastel side!! sad 5 stars!!