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Madness
An astonishing dispatch from inside the belly of bipolar disorder, reflecting major new insights
When Marya Hornbacher published her first book, A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia, she did not yet have the piece of shattering knowledge that would finally make sense of the chaos of her life. At age twenty-four, Hornbacher was diagnosed with Type I rapid-cycle bipolar, the most severe form of bipolar disorder.
In Madness, in her trademark wry and utterly self-revealing voice, Hornbacher tells her new story. Through scenes of astonishing visceral and emotional power, she takes us inside her own desperate attempts to counteract violently careening mood swings by self-starvation, substance abuse, numbing sex, and self-mutilation. How Hornbacher fights her way up from a madness that all but destroys her, and what it is like to live in a difficult and sometimes beautiful life and marriage -- where bipolar always beckons -- is at the center of this brave and heart-stopping memoir.
Madness delivers the revelation that Hornbacher is not millions of people in America today are struggling with a variety of disorders that may disguise their bipolar disease. And Hornbacher's fiercely self-aware portrait of her own bipolar as early as age four will powerfully change, too, the current debate on whether bipolar in children actually exists.
Ten years after Kay Redfield Jamison's An Unquiet Mind, this storm of a memoir will revolutionize our understanding of bipolar disorder.�
When Marya Hornbacher published her first book, A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia, she did not yet have the piece of shattering knowledge that would finally make sense of the chaos of her life. At age twenty-four, Hornbacher was diagnosed with Type I rapid-cycle bipolar, the most severe form of bipolar disorder.
In Madness, in her trademark wry and utterly self-revealing voice, Hornbacher tells her new story. Through scenes of astonishing visceral and emotional power, she takes us inside her own desperate attempts to counteract violently careening mood swings by self-starvation, substance abuse, numbing sex, and self-mutilation. How Hornbacher fights her way up from a madness that all but destroys her, and what it is like to live in a difficult and sometimes beautiful life and marriage -- where bipolar always beckons -- is at the center of this brave and heart-stopping memoir.
Madness delivers the revelation that Hornbacher is not millions of people in America today are struggling with a variety of disorders that may disguise their bipolar disease. And Hornbacher's fiercely self-aware portrait of her own bipolar as early as age four will powerfully change, too, the current debate on whether bipolar in children actually exists.
Ten years after Kay Redfield Jamison's An Unquiet Mind, this storm of a memoir will revolutionize our understanding of bipolar disorder.�
315 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2008
956 people are currently reading
24443 people want to read
About the author
Marya Hornbacher
10 books1,075 followersMarya Hornbacher published her first book, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.), in 1998, when she was twenty-three. What started as a crazy idea suggested by a writer friend became the classic book that has been published in fourteen languages, is taught in universities and writing programs all over the world, and has, according to the thousands of letters Marya has received over the years, changed lives.
Her second book, the acclaimed novel The Center of Winter (HarperCollins, 2005) has been called "masterful," "gorgeous writing," "a stunning acheivement of storytelling," "delicious," and "compulsive reading." Told in three voices, by six-year-old Kate, her mentally ill brother Esau, and their mother Claire, The Center of Winter is the story of a family recovering from a father's suicide in the spare, wintry Minnesota north, a story of struggle, transformation, and hope.
Marya's new memoir Madness: A Life (Houghton Mifflin) is an intense, beautifully written book about the difficulties, and promise, of living with mental illness. It is already being called "the most visceral, important book on mental illness to be published in years." It will be published in April of 2008.
The recipient of a host of awards for journalism and a Pulitzer Prize nominee, Marya has lectured at universities around the country, taught writing and literature, and published in academic and literary journals since 1992. She lives in Minneapolis with her husband Jeff, their cats Shakespeare and T.S. Eliot, and their miniature dachsunds Milton and Dante.
Her second book, the acclaimed novel The Center of Winter (HarperCollins, 2005) has been called "masterful," "gorgeous writing," "a stunning acheivement of storytelling," "delicious," and "compulsive reading." Told in three voices, by six-year-old Kate, her mentally ill brother Esau, and their mother Claire, The Center of Winter is the story of a family recovering from a father's suicide in the spare, wintry Minnesota north, a story of struggle, transformation, and hope.
Marya's new memoir Madness: A Life (Houghton Mifflin) is an intense, beautifully written book about the difficulties, and promise, of living with mental illness. It is already being called "the most visceral, important book on mental illness to be published in years." It will be published in April of 2008.
The recipient of a host of awards for journalism and a Pulitzer Prize nominee, Marya has lectured at universities around the country, taught writing and literature, and published in academic and literary journals since 1992. She lives in Minneapolis with her husband Jeff, their cats Shakespeare and T.S. Eliot, and their miniature dachsunds Milton and Dante.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 921 reviews
May 29, 2008
Hornbacher's _Wasted_ is probably the most perceptive book ever written on eating disorders, so I went ahead and bought the hardback of this "sequel" in which she describes her diagnosis and subsequent grappling with bi-polar depression. Unfortunately, while the book might be a photo-finish accurate portrayal of what it's like to be bi-polar, the problem with the book is that it's a photo-finish accurate portrayal of what it's like to be bi-polar. The first 50 pages are a series of vignettes of Hornbacher swinging from manic grandiosity to despair, with plenty of binging and purging, drug use, compulsive sexual behavior, and alcoholism thrown in for good measure. The remaining pages chronicle a series of hospitalizations -- and it sounds like her adult life has been pretty much one round of hospitalization after another -- and the series of poor choices Hornbacher unfailingly made to keep from ever stabilizing. Drinking copious amounts, refusing sleep and food for days at a time, drug use, switching doctors, deciding to go off medicines -- if there was anything she could do to interfere with her recovery, she did it.
The result is that while she writes the book KNOWING that she made poor choices, she doesn't appear to have any long view on why she kept doing these things. The last four pages are a deeply unconvincing "well, now I stay sober and I do a lot of yoga, so I'm doing better now." But it's also clear that the damage of years of treatment non-compliance has already been done. Unlike _Wasted_, this book has no insights into how mental illness might fit into the larger culture, nor any insights into how common narratives of the disease get it wrong. Instead, it just provides a grim view of one mother-fucker of a mental illness.
The result is that while she writes the book KNOWING that she made poor choices, she doesn't appear to have any long view on why she kept doing these things. The last four pages are a deeply unconvincing "well, now I stay sober and I do a lot of yoga, so I'm doing better now." But it's also clear that the damage of years of treatment non-compliance has already been done. Unlike _Wasted_, this book has no insights into how mental illness might fit into the larger culture, nor any insights into how common narratives of the disease get it wrong. Instead, it just provides a grim view of one mother-fucker of a mental illness.
August 30, 2022
I listened to plenty — (the audiobook)
I like Marya — and I was engaged with this book — but I’m letting it go — I don’t need it right now —
I have way too much I could say — still not in the mood to express much on the subject of mental health - lifetime struggles —
Our own daughter had a very serious life threatening disease— anorexic (14 grueling years for our daughter)…
She’s recovered ( as Marya is with the seriousness of the devastating eating disorder)—
But other scars are leftover.
I’ll end with one thing ( having met Marta’s aunt last year)….
Being Marta’s MOM sure couldn’t have been easy —-
And of course not for Marya.
Blessings to books like this being available
I like Marya — and I was engaged with this book — but I’m letting it go — I don’t need it right now —
I have way too much I could say — still not in the mood to express much on the subject of mental health - lifetime struggles —
Our own daughter had a very serious life threatening disease— anorexic (14 grueling years for our daughter)…
She’s recovered ( as Marya is with the seriousness of the devastating eating disorder)—
But other scars are leftover.
I’ll end with one thing ( having met Marta’s aunt last year)….
Being Marta’s MOM sure couldn’t have been easy —-
And of course not for Marya.
Blessings to books like this being available
April 16, 2008
i have to say, she totally won me over. it was amazing because i wasn't sure if Marya Hornbacher could do it, but she redeemed herself by being more honest and upfront and REAL about her illness and willingness to get better than she was in Wasted, and more than Elizabeth Wurtzel ever, ever did.
this is best example of mania i have ever read. it is so true to life, and so true to form. it's really impressive how much insight she has into her illness when she lacked so much before - but it's like the eating disorder was just a cover for the bipolarity, and once she got the "true" diagnosis, she was able to kind of figure things out.
but she doesn't take the easy way out. she admits the mistakes she makes, she says that she does things she doesn't understand herself. it's so true - when you are manic/depressed, there often isn't any rationality to your behavior - or at least any that you can see at the time. it's amazing how honest she is with herself. she admits her mistakes, she knows when she is screwed up - she doesn't blame the fact that she doesn't listen to her doctors on anyone other than herself.
i'll probably write a more glowing review later, but this really is one of the most incredible books that actually grasps mental illness and what it's like without blaming anyone at all. and unlike the end of Wasted, i really believe that she wants to get better, and that she knows what she is facing.
i love her for this book, i really do.
this is best example of mania i have ever read. it is so true to life, and so true to form. it's really impressive how much insight she has into her illness when she lacked so much before - but it's like the eating disorder was just a cover for the bipolarity, and once she got the "true" diagnosis, she was able to kind of figure things out.
but she doesn't take the easy way out. she admits the mistakes she makes, she says that she does things she doesn't understand herself. it's so true - when you are manic/depressed, there often isn't any rationality to your behavior - or at least any that you can see at the time. it's amazing how honest she is with herself. she admits her mistakes, she knows when she is screwed up - she doesn't blame the fact that she doesn't listen to her doctors on anyone other than herself.
i'll probably write a more glowing review later, but this really is one of the most incredible books that actually grasps mental illness and what it's like without blaming anyone at all. and unlike the end of Wasted, i really believe that she wants to get better, and that she knows what she is facing.
i love her for this book, i really do.
August 13, 2008
Hornbacher's stories terrify me. And ashamedly, the entire time that I was reading 'Madness', all I could think about was how glad I was that I am not that crazy. It also proves the fact that human beings can be very resilient, tenacious fuckers. Having also read 'Wasted', I can't believe this woman is still alive. She's like an extreme-condition crash test dummy.
I've struggled with rather severe anxiety for years, with derealisation, panic attacks and so on - and each time I've had these episodes; if it went on for too long, say TWO days. . . I wanted to kill myself. I've had the odd bout of depression, with a handful of suicidal days. And I'm terrified of that reoccuring. And I only get GENERIC depression. Hornbacher makes me feel like a pansy! To think that there are people out there that have it so much tougher, is mind-boggling to me. Where do they pull the strength from? Mental illness is scary. This book scared me.
The cover on my edition was pretty, it's blue with cute pictures and soothed me into a state of false calm everytime I had to close it to get a breather. Which I had to do often. The blue cover with pretty pictures was the only pleasant thing about this book. Hornbacher is relentless, self-destructive and frustrating. Every time I have ever gotten mentally unstable, I've latched onto whatever help I can get. I obey orders, I'm frightened of insanity. To read of someone disobeying, of spitting in their own sanity's face, so to speak; is shocking to me.
I love Hornbacher's books. I would have given this a 4, but I gave 'Wasted' a 4 and I thought that 'Wasted' was a lot better. I found Wasted more interesting, more hard-hitting, better written. 'Madness', to me, felt like it was a little lost, a little bit vacant but it still takes you on quite the rollercoaster. Reading this was like stepping into a whole different world. When I stop reading, I look around at my life and it looks like it's painted in pastels. I might as well be wearing disposable adult diapers and playing bingo in a nursing home. I am HALF ASLEEP compared to this woman, fuck, I'm comatose really. Hornbacher's world is technicolour. And fast. And spinning. And painful. And loud. And fucking demented. I need a Valium to soothe my frazzled nerves from reading this book.
I've struggled with rather severe anxiety for years, with derealisation, panic attacks and so on - and each time I've had these episodes; if it went on for too long, say TWO days. . . I wanted to kill myself. I've had the odd bout of depression, with a handful of suicidal days. And I'm terrified of that reoccuring. And I only get GENERIC depression. Hornbacher makes me feel like a pansy! To think that there are people out there that have it so much tougher, is mind-boggling to me. Where do they pull the strength from? Mental illness is scary. This book scared me.
The cover on my edition was pretty, it's blue with cute pictures and soothed me into a state of false calm everytime I had to close it to get a breather. Which I had to do often. The blue cover with pretty pictures was the only pleasant thing about this book. Hornbacher is relentless, self-destructive and frustrating. Every time I have ever gotten mentally unstable, I've latched onto whatever help I can get. I obey orders, I'm frightened of insanity. To read of someone disobeying, of spitting in their own sanity's face, so to speak; is shocking to me.
I love Hornbacher's books. I would have given this a 4, but I gave 'Wasted' a 4 and I thought that 'Wasted' was a lot better. I found Wasted more interesting, more hard-hitting, better written. 'Madness', to me, felt like it was a little lost, a little bit vacant but it still takes you on quite the rollercoaster. Reading this was like stepping into a whole different world. When I stop reading, I look around at my life and it looks like it's painted in pastels. I might as well be wearing disposable adult diapers and playing bingo in a nursing home. I am HALF ASLEEP compared to this woman, fuck, I'm comatose really. Hornbacher's world is technicolour. And fast. And spinning. And painful. And loud. And fucking demented. I need a Valium to soothe my frazzled nerves from reading this book.
July 4, 2014
One of the most touching memoirs I have ever read. I can't get enough of Marya Hornbacher's writing. Not only that, but I'm continuously tempted to keep checking up on her to see how she is faring.
Having a friend whose sister has a personality disorder has made me almost morbidly interested in mental illness. This is the first book that has actually helped me understand her sisters behaviour. In fact, it's nearly impossible to understand considering it doesn't make sense to someone who does not suffer from mental illness.
I read this book in a few hours on a bus tour. I literally couldn't stop even to listen to what the guide was telling me. Marya has this amazing way of sucking you into her story, and helping you feel what she felt at the time. Like her, you'll experience a roller coaster of emotions. You'll root for Marya, you'll cry for her, you'll despair with her. You'll recover with her and then be completely disappointed and confused once the madness hits again. But her story really gets a cross the message that madness is not something you can consciously stop, no matter how badly you may want to. Once it hits you, you are at its beck and call. If it tells you to do something, you do it and question later. It is truly a terrifying life to lead.
For those of you who want a happy ending: look elsewhere. The happy ending here is that Marya has not yet succeeded in accidentally or purposefully killing herself or others. She does not recover from her disease. In fact, she cannot. She can only learn to live with it and try her best, through routine, to keep the madness at bay.
Absolutely beautiful storytelling - not for the faint of heart.
Having a friend whose sister has a personality disorder has made me almost morbidly interested in mental illness. This is the first book that has actually helped me understand her sisters behaviour. In fact, it's nearly impossible to understand considering it doesn't make sense to someone who does not suffer from mental illness.
I read this book in a few hours on a bus tour. I literally couldn't stop even to listen to what the guide was telling me. Marya has this amazing way of sucking you into her story, and helping you feel what she felt at the time. Like her, you'll experience a roller coaster of emotions. You'll root for Marya, you'll cry for her, you'll despair with her. You'll recover with her and then be completely disappointed and confused once the madness hits again. But her story really gets a cross the message that madness is not something you can consciously stop, no matter how badly you may want to. Once it hits you, you are at its beck and call. If it tells you to do something, you do it and question later. It is truly a terrifying life to lead.
For those of you who want a happy ending: look elsewhere. The happy ending here is that Marya has not yet succeeded in accidentally or purposefully killing herself or others. She does not recover from her disease. In fact, she cannot. She can only learn to live with it and try her best, through routine, to keep the madness at bay.
Absolutely beautiful storytelling - not for the faint of heart.
February 8, 2017
What needs to be said about Marya, is that she suffers from one of the most severe cases of Bipolar disorder, type 1 (which includes full on mania and psychosis that can last for years untreated), with rapid cycling. It's not like Bipolar II where you experience hypomania and depression (where the depression can be more in play than hypomania).
She suffered wild psychosis and mania for a long time, and addiction is a big part of people diagnosed with Bipolar. I understand that this is a memoir, not a book that should be fictional, sugarcoated with the end that she is fine and recovered - because Bipolar Disorder is not something you can ever recover from. It's manageable to
a certain point, but the disease itself is chronic.
It makes you do strange things because you just DO. When you have bipolar or have a significant other suffering from the same disorder, things get grim really, really fast. As far as I have come in her book, I get the impression that this book was written to portray how badly she suffered. I just read the part where she asked one of her friends how it's like to have a friend that is suffering from the disease, and the friend says that it's not that different, just that she's afraid that she'll commit suicide - which she understands, in sorrow, because she has seen the suffering take its toll.
And it's true what Marya says; a lot of Bipolar people visit their doctor or therapist before killing themselves.
To me, it has been a very insightful book about HOW she deals with her disorder while trying to manage a 'normal' life at the same time. It's not about God, being hopeful or any of that. It's about accepting the cards she's dealt in life and how she continues to live with it. I hope that the readers of this book understand that with Bipolar, there is seldom a blissful, happy ending. So she does yoga or whatever to keep herself healthy. There is only so much damage control you can do to keep your mind and body in check.
I commend Marya for portraying the good sides and the bad with this disorder. I guess you have to experience it to appreciate this memoir. Her book about eating disorders appealed to a wider public because 1; it was written before her Bipolar disorder came out of the woodworks (it usually does in your 20's), and
2; Eating disorders are a whole lot easier to understand, and a topic that is very much spoken about. Bipolar though, or the old term "Manic Depressive", is hard to understand.
The mortality rate of Bipolar Disorder; no matter which kind, is horrifying. I like this book because it is honest and tells the tale of what it is like to live with this demon on your back. It sure made me understand my friend who is diagnosed with rapid cycling, as well as my biological mother who placed me for adoption. This book gives you a first hand look at how badly this disorder can take over your life and make you do crazy stuff when you have no control of your mind or body.
Even though this book is grim and disturbing at times, it does not sugarcoat the disorder. It is honest, spot on and to me, a good insight of a woman experiencing madness.
She suffered wild psychosis and mania for a long time, and addiction is a big part of people diagnosed with Bipolar. I understand that this is a memoir, not a book that should be fictional, sugarcoated with the end that she is fine and recovered - because Bipolar Disorder is not something you can ever recover from. It's manageable to
a certain point, but the disease itself is chronic.
It makes you do strange things because you just DO. When you have bipolar or have a significant other suffering from the same disorder, things get grim really, really fast. As far as I have come in her book, I get the impression that this book was written to portray how badly she suffered. I just read the part where she asked one of her friends how it's like to have a friend that is suffering from the disease, and the friend says that it's not that different, just that she's afraid that she'll commit suicide - which she understands, in sorrow, because she has seen the suffering take its toll.
And it's true what Marya says; a lot of Bipolar people visit their doctor or therapist before killing themselves.
To me, it has been a very insightful book about HOW she deals with her disorder while trying to manage a 'normal' life at the same time. It's not about God, being hopeful or any of that. It's about accepting the cards she's dealt in life and how she continues to live with it. I hope that the readers of this book understand that with Bipolar, there is seldom a blissful, happy ending. So she does yoga or whatever to keep herself healthy. There is only so much damage control you can do to keep your mind and body in check.
I commend Marya for portraying the good sides and the bad with this disorder. I guess you have to experience it to appreciate this memoir. Her book about eating disorders appealed to a wider public because 1; it was written before her Bipolar disorder came out of the woodworks (it usually does in your 20's), and
2; Eating disorders are a whole lot easier to understand, and a topic that is very much spoken about. Bipolar though, or the old term "Manic Depressive", is hard to understand.
The mortality rate of Bipolar Disorder; no matter which kind, is horrifying. I like this book because it is honest and tells the tale of what it is like to live with this demon on your back. It sure made me understand my friend who is diagnosed with rapid cycling, as well as my biological mother who placed me for adoption. This book gives you a first hand look at how badly this disorder can take over your life and make you do crazy stuff when you have no control of your mind or body.
Even though this book is grim and disturbing at times, it does not sugarcoat the disorder. It is honest, spot on and to me, a good insight of a woman experiencing madness.
April 7, 2008
I read Hornbacher's first memoir, Wasted, a decade ago and was impressed by the strength of her voice then. But while she'd managed to fight back against her eating disorder, it turns out that she hadn't even begun to deal with her alcoholism and, more fundamentally, had only just begun to confront her bipolar condition. This memoir deals with that story, with an even stronger personal emphasis than I recall from her first book. Like her first book, it's definitely not a feel-good memoir, nor a triumph over adversity.
January 1, 2009
Madness: A Bipolar Life is a riveting memoir about the most severe form of bipolar disorder called: Rapid Cycling Type 1. She describes her struggles with the demons she faces every day, wavering between madness and deep bouts of depression.
As early as the age of 4 Marya Hornbacher was unable to sleep and night and talked endlessly. Once she was in school, other children called her crazy. By the age of 10 she discovered alcohol helped her mood swings, and by age 14, she was trading sex for pills. In her late teens, her eating disorder landed her in the hospital when he weight fell to just 52 pounds. She also cycled into another body obsession, cutting. In and out of psychiatric hospitals numerous times, she was 24 before she was accurately diagnosed as Bipolar.
Hornbacher, 34, is the author of (3) books. To me it would seem impossible to be able to write (1) book never mind (3) with this disorder as horrific as she describes. In the end, however, this was a satisfying, page-turning memoir. In addition, the book includes a detailed resource section with statistics and information on bipolar disorder.
As early as the age of 4 Marya Hornbacher was unable to sleep and night and talked endlessly. Once she was in school, other children called her crazy. By the age of 10 she discovered alcohol helped her mood swings, and by age 14, she was trading sex for pills. In her late teens, her eating disorder landed her in the hospital when he weight fell to just 52 pounds. She also cycled into another body obsession, cutting. In and out of psychiatric hospitals numerous times, she was 24 before she was accurately diagnosed as Bipolar.
Hornbacher, 34, is the author of (3) books. To me it would seem impossible to be able to write (1) book never mind (3) with this disorder as horrific as she describes. In the end, however, this was a satisfying, page-turning memoir. In addition, the book includes a detailed resource section with statistics and information on bipolar disorder.
November 12, 2012
Marya Hornbacher is better known for her memoir ‘Wasted’, which she wrote, no, published, at the age of twenty two , and which went viral, in which she spares no gruesome detail of her frankly horrific ‘altercation’ with anorexia and bulimia, and in which she drops to just 52 pounds, almost dies (hmmm, obviously), but emerges triumphant (well, barring infertility, osteoporosis and some other organ failure residuals, I forget which), to beat the disease, finish off college and publish a book, did I say, at the age of 22? I am woman, hear me roar, eh, eh?
But thats not all. This woman is definitely not a one pony track. Erm, a one track pony? Or was it trick? Uh, fuggedaboutit. What it is is, anorexia and bulimia is just one of a whole host of party tricks Hornbacher has up her sleeve. There is also, it emergeth, alcoholism, bipolar (type I) (the most serious type, apparently), connected with and connecting to paranoia, nymphomania, addiction, shopaholicism, and basically all kinds of other fodder for future memoirs, not just Madness. Which, frankly, she needs to churn out because her medical expenses are astronomical and none of her three insurance companies are prepared to stump out. (Bastards. Come here, Marya, the NHS will see you alright).
Marya Hornbacher seems to exist in two states: hyper mania during which she is incredibly creative, sociable, productive and positive, and hospitalised, in a catatonic cum zombie stasis. All of which is described eloquently, poignantly and heartbreakingly.
Well, she can describe and scribe and shout from the mountain tops till the cows come home, but I don’t understand a thing. Now, if I had read this book in say June, I would have understood everything (Dunning-Kruger effect) On some level I resonate here: I’m a high functioning mad woman myself. The problem is, I’m just a different kind of crazy from Marya, notwithstanding the fact that we share a fair number of addictions and personality traits. Does one alcoholic resemble another, for arguments sake? If no, why not? Marya drinks, and the space-time continuum goes into warp overdrive. Whole days, weeks, even months fold into themselves and disappear: in a black hole, in a rabbits hole, whatever: she’s suddenly shacked out back and engaged to the local wino, subsidising the bartender’s annual Disneyland vacation, nary a care in the world, as time is ‘Matrixed’ in between binges. The thing is, she can ‘let go’. Now, I’m not necessarily extolling the virtues of an alcohol crazed pandemonium, but, I am, in fact, extolling it: because I’m jealous, so there.: jealous. In my deepest, most profound succumb-to-ness, I have never known surrender: no amount of alcohol has ever been enough to wrestle the mantle of reality, and responsibility, from the repressed recesses of my mind. A binge has only ever achieved my temporary physical surrender, whilst my mind remains trapped in its harness. I never manage to lose time: its there to greet me the day after the night before, as I haul my wastedness across town to the Floor. I have, despite my very bestest efforts, never managed to lose even a single day. So. If Marya laments total loss of control, I lament the lack of. No matter what I do, I can. Not. Escape from myself. This is why Aritha Van Herk and ‘Restlessness’ strikes such a cord with me: someone, finally, who understands. Marya wants to ‘find’ herself, find the equilibrium where she can exist, whereas I just want to ‘lose’ myself. This is how our goals differ. I have found myself already, and its not enough.
Lets talk about madness. If two crazy people meet, would they click? Even Marya says no. You have to be crazy in the same way for it to work. When she hooks up with a buddy, Sean, they spend a relatively ‘calm week’ in the Badlands like two psychos on a bender would, before madness incompatibility kicks in. Each lunatic thinks the other is just too crazy, and they have to part ways for the good of the planet. Hah.. In John Cassavetes ‘A Woman Under The Influence’, Mabel and Nick, and in Kudes’ Somnambuul, Aetla and her father. madmen rubbing shoulders but existing in parallel universes, because each is mad in their own special way.
I ran into a couple of bonafide high functioning psychos just recently and for the first time: . this is the one where initially think you are dealing with a normal person. Things happen. You think YOU are losing YOUR mind. And then you find out you’ve been had by one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. This is the abridged version of a fairly traumatic experience, which made me question the reality of reality and my understanding of any other reality which is ultimately not my own crazy reality. (I’ve only now been able to put it behind me). Afterwards, and resultantly. Here is what happened : a charity which I have been supporting (as a NED) for ten years deals with accommodated housing for mentally ill people. I joined this SME all this time ago, I will admit, not for purely altruistic reasons. I needed a stepping stone into paid portfolio work and took this pro-bono directorship because it was right here, right now., thank you very much. Things have moved on since then (considerably), but I retain myself on this meagre Board all this time without pay, my only altruistic endeavour (ironically), now, because it grew on me: the trials and tribulations, the financial crisis, the mergers, the tenders and bids: the lives of these people matter. But on 10 August I resigned. I felt morally obliged to do so, having realised that I was only paying lipservice to the whole issue of mental illness; I did not understand it, I was scared by it, I was a fraud: imagine campaigning the cause of mental illness when I truly, really, madly, have no idea whatsoever what its about. What was I thinking? I only know my own madness, and its...personal. Here is what happened. On 11 August the CEO of the Charity gate crashed my front drive and staged a Mexican standoff: I rescind my resignation or he’ll just make camp on my driveway: till I do. Here is what happened: He don’t give a damn about my moral quandary, because here is what happened: without me there to audit their accounts, sort out their HR issues, Company Secretary issues, merger contract issues, tender documentation issues, name your issue issues, all kinds of fucking issues, all gratis, he’s got a QE issue. Here is what happened: What to do? What would you do? I’m worth over thousands to this charity for services rendered, dead or alive (ok, alive). Come see Ruby Wax, he said. Here is what happened: I did. At the Red Lion on 15 August. Here is what happened: I came out more fucked than when I went in. Paranoia? Bring it on. Ruby Wax is insane but she’s not my kind of insane. What if these people damage ME beyond repair.? Should an unengaged clueless individual contribute to charity fraudulently? Is this mitigated by the fact that the charity is benefitting regardless of the intentions of said individual? If bad intentions reap good results is this OK?. Here is what happened:
I read this book. My bid to understand, to relate, to connect. Now I know, somewhere, on the spectrum, I’m pretty mad myself. Mad and mad and alternating between the two, but in a candle burnt out in the wind way, not a lying cheating, hallucinating, highly functioning insane kind of way. Not that these people, not that Marya, is lying to ME when she fugues out: I understand thats not the intention. Its by lying to HERSELF that stokes up the trouble. When a person lies to themselves, they appropriate a false reality, which they project to those around them as fricking gospel truth. The sincerity and forcefulness of the message is enough to throw anyone within a mile radius off kilter. In a mania, this woman is unstoppable, no feat is too small, and her sundry achievements belie the price she will be imminently paying the piper: the inevitable crash. But its pretty much unknowable stuff. So, what was I gonna do with this charity?
Here is what happened...
But thats not all. This woman is definitely not a one pony track. Erm, a one track pony? Or was it trick? Uh, fuggedaboutit. What it is is, anorexia and bulimia is just one of a whole host of party tricks Hornbacher has up her sleeve. There is also, it emergeth, alcoholism, bipolar (type I) (the most serious type, apparently), connected with and connecting to paranoia, nymphomania, addiction, shopaholicism, and basically all kinds of other fodder for future memoirs, not just Madness. Which, frankly, she needs to churn out because her medical expenses are astronomical and none of her three insurance companies are prepared to stump out. (Bastards. Come here, Marya, the NHS will see you alright).
Marya Hornbacher seems to exist in two states: hyper mania during which she is incredibly creative, sociable, productive and positive, and hospitalised, in a catatonic cum zombie stasis. All of which is described eloquently, poignantly and heartbreakingly.
Well, she can describe and scribe and shout from the mountain tops till the cows come home, but I don’t understand a thing. Now, if I had read this book in say June, I would have understood everything (Dunning-Kruger effect) On some level I resonate here: I’m a high functioning mad woman myself. The problem is, I’m just a different kind of crazy from Marya, notwithstanding the fact that we share a fair number of addictions and personality traits. Does one alcoholic resemble another, for arguments sake? If no, why not? Marya drinks, and the space-time continuum goes into warp overdrive. Whole days, weeks, even months fold into themselves and disappear: in a black hole, in a rabbits hole, whatever: she’s suddenly shacked out back and engaged to the local wino, subsidising the bartender’s annual Disneyland vacation, nary a care in the world, as time is ‘Matrixed’ in between binges. The thing is, she can ‘let go’. Now, I’m not necessarily extolling the virtues of an alcohol crazed pandemonium, but, I am, in fact, extolling it: because I’m jealous, so there.: jealous. In my deepest, most profound succumb-to-ness, I have never known surrender: no amount of alcohol has ever been enough to wrestle the mantle of reality, and responsibility, from the repressed recesses of my mind. A binge has only ever achieved my temporary physical surrender, whilst my mind remains trapped in its harness. I never manage to lose time: its there to greet me the day after the night before, as I haul my wastedness across town to the Floor. I have, despite my very bestest efforts, never managed to lose even a single day. So. If Marya laments total loss of control, I lament the lack of. No matter what I do, I can. Not. Escape from myself. This is why Aritha Van Herk and ‘Restlessness’ strikes such a cord with me: someone, finally, who understands. Marya wants to ‘find’ herself, find the equilibrium where she can exist, whereas I just want to ‘lose’ myself. This is how our goals differ. I have found myself already, and its not enough.
Lets talk about madness. If two crazy people meet, would they click? Even Marya says no. You have to be crazy in the same way for it to work. When she hooks up with a buddy, Sean, they spend a relatively ‘calm week’ in the Badlands like two psychos on a bender would, before madness incompatibility kicks in. Each lunatic thinks the other is just too crazy, and they have to part ways for the good of the planet. Hah.. In John Cassavetes ‘A Woman Under The Influence’, Mabel and Nick, and in Kudes’ Somnambuul, Aetla and her father. madmen rubbing shoulders but existing in parallel universes, because each is mad in their own special way.
I ran into a couple of bonafide high functioning psychos just recently and for the first time: . this is the one where initially think you are dealing with a normal person. Things happen. You think YOU are losing YOUR mind. And then you find out you’ve been had by one who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. This is the abridged version of a fairly traumatic experience, which made me question the reality of reality and my understanding of any other reality which is ultimately not my own crazy reality. (I’ve only now been able to put it behind me). Afterwards, and resultantly. Here is what happened : a charity which I have been supporting (as a NED) for ten years deals with accommodated housing for mentally ill people. I joined this SME all this time ago, I will admit, not for purely altruistic reasons. I needed a stepping stone into paid portfolio work and took this pro-bono directorship because it was right here, right now., thank you very much. Things have moved on since then (considerably), but I retain myself on this meagre Board all this time without pay, my only altruistic endeavour (ironically), now, because it grew on me: the trials and tribulations, the financial crisis, the mergers, the tenders and bids: the lives of these people matter. But on 10 August I resigned. I felt morally obliged to do so, having realised that I was only paying lipservice to the whole issue of mental illness; I did not understand it, I was scared by it, I was a fraud: imagine campaigning the cause of mental illness when I truly, really, madly, have no idea whatsoever what its about. What was I thinking? I only know my own madness, and its...personal. Here is what happened. On 11 August the CEO of the Charity gate crashed my front drive and staged a Mexican standoff: I rescind my resignation or he’ll just make camp on my driveway: till I do. Here is what happened: He don’t give a damn about my moral quandary, because here is what happened: without me there to audit their accounts, sort out their HR issues, Company Secretary issues, merger contract issues, tender documentation issues, name your issue issues, all kinds of fucking issues, all gratis, he’s got a QE issue. Here is what happened: What to do? What would you do? I’m worth over thousands to this charity for services rendered, dead or alive (ok, alive). Come see Ruby Wax, he said. Here is what happened: I did. At the Red Lion on 15 August. Here is what happened: I came out more fucked than when I went in. Paranoia? Bring it on. Ruby Wax is insane but she’s not my kind of insane. What if these people damage ME beyond repair.? Should an unengaged clueless individual contribute to charity fraudulently? Is this mitigated by the fact that the charity is benefitting regardless of the intentions of said individual? If bad intentions reap good results is this OK?. Here is what happened:
I read this book. My bid to understand, to relate, to connect. Now I know, somewhere, on the spectrum, I’m pretty mad myself. Mad and mad and alternating between the two, but in a candle burnt out in the wind way, not a lying cheating, hallucinating, highly functioning insane kind of way. Not that these people, not that Marya, is lying to ME when she fugues out: I understand thats not the intention. Its by lying to HERSELF that stokes up the trouble. When a person lies to themselves, they appropriate a false reality, which they project to those around them as fricking gospel truth. The sincerity and forcefulness of the message is enough to throw anyone within a mile radius off kilter. In a mania, this woman is unstoppable, no feat is too small, and her sundry achievements belie the price she will be imminently paying the piper: the inevitable crash. But its pretty much unknowable stuff. So, what was I gonna do with this charity?
Here is what happened...
June 14, 2008
This book was amazing! Marya was able to articulate so many things about bipolar disorder that I never could have. I found myself intrigued by her experiences, a little frightened, and at some points I giggled in nervousness at some of the things she's done. Her case is way more extreme than mine, I have the type 2 bipolar and I'm on a slow cycle. But some of the things she wrote about also applied to me. I honestly want to buy this book for everyone in my family and my close friends so they can at least get a small glimpse into the fragile mind of a bipolar person.
I've never been hospitalized for my illness, that's one of my biggest fears actually. And rightly so according to her accounts of her stays at the hospital. And when she was on the upward toward a mania, I could totally relate to that. And when she was sliding to a depression, I could relate to that as well.
I've recently been accused of believing the world revolves around me. In my world, inside my brain, that's true. And I think it's because of my bipolar. Can I help that? No. But I know it'd be a lot worse without my meds.
She also describes how simple things can seem so overwhelming, which is actually spot-on. I'm expected to get out of bed AND get dressed? Are you INSANE??? I've had those days. Oh, and the obsessions and compulsions and the lovely paranoia and the wondering why the people around us actually stick around. It really hit home.
Excellent read. Well written. If you're curious about what goes on in a bipolar mind, read this. You won't be sorry.
I've never been hospitalized for my illness, that's one of my biggest fears actually. And rightly so according to her accounts of her stays at the hospital. And when she was on the upward toward a mania, I could totally relate to that. And when she was sliding to a depression, I could relate to that as well.
I've recently been accused of believing the world revolves around me. In my world, inside my brain, that's true. And I think it's because of my bipolar. Can I help that? No. But I know it'd be a lot worse without my meds.
She also describes how simple things can seem so overwhelming, which is actually spot-on. I'm expected to get out of bed AND get dressed? Are you INSANE??? I've had those days. Oh, and the obsessions and compulsions and the lovely paranoia and the wondering why the people around us actually stick around. It really hit home.
Excellent read. Well written. If you're curious about what goes on in a bipolar mind, read this. You won't be sorry.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 14, 2009
At the age of 24, Marya Hornbacher was diagnosed with Type I bipolar disorder. This realization of why she thinks and behaves the way she does did not come at the outset of her disease. Rather, it came after years and years of cycling through incessant mania and debilitating depression. Hornbacher recalls moments from her childhood, such as her terrible insomnia and inability to stop jabbering flying from topic to topic with no coherent train of thought. She tried to poke fun at herself as all the other children in her class labeled her crazy, but it was clear that while Hornbacher knew she was different, she could never quite figure out what it was that made her so. Hornbacher also had an interesting home life - with parents who were violently fighting one minute, and lovingly playing Scrabble with her the next. It is unclear from Hornbacher's stories what her parents were able to recognize in their daughter as unusual and what they engdendered as a result of their own erratic behavior. As she grows older, Hornbacher's episodes become more severe. She begins starving herself at a young age and develops anorexia/bulimia (the subject of her memoir, Wasted). To alleviate her internal suffering, Hornbacher turns to cutting - one time getting so out of control that she nearly kills herself and is rushed to the hospital. Once there, the doctors seem intent on labeling her as depressed - a common diagnosis for girls with eating disorders. But, the medications only seem to make Hornbacher more crazy. In response, the doctors increase her levels of medication. Hornbacher turns to her own brand of medicine, and within years she becomes a full-blown alcoholic. Her condition prevents any medication which may have worked, from having any noticeable effect. Finally, Hornbacher receives her proper diagnosis, but it is years before the realization of her illness sets in, and before she curtails her destructive and suicidal behavior. Madness is an interesting memoir. Repeatedly I found myself thinking, "Ugh! This woman is SO ANNOYING! She's self-absorbed and self-destructive. She is ruining the lives of those who are trying to help her and never listens to her doctors (even the ones who are intelligent enough to get the diagnosis and the med levels correct)." But, then I had to remind myself that these behaviors are the direct result of her mental illness. In this way, I found Hornbacher's memoir amazingly honest. She did not pepper her stories with much self-reflection, and while frightening, it was refreshing to read this type of book from the perspective of someone who isn't deluded into thinking that she now has all the answers, or that she will lead a stress-free wholly positive life now that she has her diagnosis in hand. The issues raised by this book are numerous, but in particular I found interesting Hornbacher's memories of her childhood. People are quick to belive that children are "resilient," that they don't experience trauma like adults do, that they don't remember or internalize, that they simply can't suffer from depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia. Hornbacher's memories suggest otherwise. They suggest, at the very least, that there are indicators that the disease that may manifest at quite an early age. The question being whether treatment on children is safe or effective, and if anything can be done to prevent the progression of the disesase. Hornbacher's experience also emphasizes the relation between eating disorders, cutting, suicidal ideation, alcoholism, and other destructive behviors and mental illness - they feed on each other in ways that often make it difficult to detemine the origins of a given problem. Madness is written as a memoir - it is Hornbacher's story - it is not a clinical examination of bipolar disorder - and it does not answer many questions that I had about the history of bipolar treatment and the state of bipolar disorder in our country today- in terms of the research that is being done, the medication available to people, and how therapy can be used, if at all, to deal with the symptoms. But, what this book does do is open a window into an often misunderstood disease and ignite a dialogue that will hopefully lead to answers and more efficient diagnoses.
June 6, 2017
After a recent diagnosis that directly relates to the content of this book; I decided to pick it up again. Maybe I was more engaged because it is more relevant to me, whatever the reason I could not put it down. Marya offers a very honest, un sugarcoated look at her life with Bipolar Disorder. And she really captures what it is like to be manic, AND how debilitating the inevitable depression is.
I saw a lot of my own symptoms in her experiences. That was comforting, because it made me realize that I am not alone, that I am not useless and lazy, and if I continue to be diligent I am going to be okay. I would like try and contact her so I can get a copy of her daily journal that she briefly talks about at the end of the book and start doing the same thing.
Although I couldn't get through this book the first time; it tugged on my heart strings the second time. She is able to capture the pain and helplessness that people with bipolar disorder go through. The more we talk about our experiences, the more we share our stories from the heart, the closer we come to ending the stigma.
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I read about 100 pages of this book this afternoon, then decided that was enough. I don't need to read the rest. While this book is a raw, shameless memoir about a young woman with Bipolar Disorder, the part of her story that I did read was incredibly repetitive, and I don't feel that it is necessary to read the rest of the book. I should probably note that I have read a lot of memoirs and that I may have a fairly high standard now. This one, unfortunately didn't quite cut it. It's been on my "to read" list for years, but I was always hesitant to buy my own copy and I am glad that I went with my gut and took it out of the library instead of shelling out the $20 bucks for my own copy.
I saw a lot of my own symptoms in her experiences. That was comforting, because it made me realize that I am not alone, that I am not useless and lazy, and if I continue to be diligent I am going to be okay. I would like try and contact her so I can get a copy of her daily journal that she briefly talks about at the end of the book and start doing the same thing.
Although I couldn't get through this book the first time; it tugged on my heart strings the second time. She is able to capture the pain and helplessness that people with bipolar disorder go through. The more we talk about our experiences, the more we share our stories from the heart, the closer we come to ending the stigma.
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I read about 100 pages of this book this afternoon, then decided that was enough. I don't need to read the rest. While this book is a raw, shameless memoir about a young woman with Bipolar Disorder, the part of her story that I did read was incredibly repetitive, and I don't feel that it is necessary to read the rest of the book. I should probably note that I have read a lot of memoirs and that I may have a fairly high standard now. This one, unfortunately didn't quite cut it. It's been on my "to read" list for years, but I was always hesitant to buy my own copy and I am glad that I went with my gut and took it out of the library instead of shelling out the $20 bucks for my own copy.
December 18, 2008
No, I'm not bipolar. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Although Amazon.com clearly thinks that I am after this purchase, based on the recommendations I'm now getting fast and furious. :)
I read Hornbacher's first book, Wasted, when a friend of mine was suffering with an eating disorder. She is a brilliant writer and I was pleased to see she had another book out, in addition to a novel she wrote a few years back. This one, like Wasted, is a compelling, disturbing read about what it is like to suffer from severe mental illness. Somehow, I almost feel like I know her, or at least wish I did.
In a nutshell, this book is also an INFURIATING indictment of mental health care. Hornbacher is basically a TEXTBOOK case of somebody with bipolar disorder, starting with sleepless, manic nights when she was four years old. She was not diagnosed until she was 24 years old, after years of alcoholism, drugs, cutting, starving herself until she was 50 pounds, and more. For a long time she was misdiagnosed with depression, which meant she was given meds that made her condition worse. The shrink that finally got it right figured it out after about 10 minutes in his office, given her rapid speech and obvious mood swings.
It's not like all this went down decades ago before science was as advanced as it is today. Hornbacher is about my age, for crying out loud. Hard to believe.
I read Hornbacher's first book, Wasted, when a friend of mine was suffering with an eating disorder. She is a brilliant writer and I was pleased to see she had another book out, in addition to a novel she wrote a few years back. This one, like Wasted, is a compelling, disturbing read about what it is like to suffer from severe mental illness. Somehow, I almost feel like I know her, or at least wish I did.
In a nutshell, this book is also an INFURIATING indictment of mental health care. Hornbacher is basically a TEXTBOOK case of somebody with bipolar disorder, starting with sleepless, manic nights when she was four years old. She was not diagnosed until she was 24 years old, after years of alcoholism, drugs, cutting, starving herself until she was 50 pounds, and more. For a long time she was misdiagnosed with depression, which meant she was given meds that made her condition worse. The shrink that finally got it right figured it out after about 10 minutes in his office, given her rapid speech and obvious mood swings.
It's not like all this went down decades ago before science was as advanced as it is today. Hornbacher is about my age, for crying out loud. Hard to believe.
August 12, 2011
Hornbacher has outdone herself. It is hard to understand mental illness, let alone to feel what it is to be in the psychotic mania and the deepest despair of bipolar disorder. But this book shows (not just tells) with surprising clarity what it is to be insane. It takes you into a mind of madness with true artistry of words that is not too abstract as to alienate you in this alien world yet fantastical enough to capture you: mind and all. The book is well balanced between events and explanation of what occurs within her mind throughout these events. It may feel as if the story is redundant toward the middle-end of the book, but it also feels intentional, showing what it is to experience a "chronic" illness: cyclical. You can truly see how this illness can devastate lives but also see what showing love and being a family really is. And coming to the end of the book, I realize how truly she speaks to the heart of anyone suffering from a chronic illness, whatever that may be; that their experiences and feelings about that illness are shared by others, because Honrbacher has given those feelings a voice.
December 19, 2014
I read this book because I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it was actually recommended to me by my psychiatrist. I nearly went crazy (hehehe not funny!) at the beginning of the book where Marya is literally bouncing from one place to the next. It created such anxiety in me that I even had nightmares. Then the recognition of some moments. I am definitely not such a rapid bipolar sufferer but when I am in what I call a good place, I now realize that I am always a somewhat hyper. And then the crash - that I know only too well. How to explain/make anyone understand that, even with a trying-to-understand-but-never-had-depression husband, no economic problems, 2 wonderful children and a beautiful granddaughter, I can still not want to carry on living? There it is - that's it. When I am depressed I feel nothing from that dark place - and it is hard for my children to understand.
July 21, 2018
3.5/5 stars
Hornbacher bears her soul on these pages. She talks about her madness with unflinching honesty and bravado. This book gave me a true insight into the mind of someone who copes with Type I rapid-cycle bipolar disorder. Throughout her life, she is forced to keep some pretty painful skeletons in her closet. She develops an eating disorder, which mental healthcare professionals assume stems from depression. But for Hornbacher, her eating disorder was a way to have some control over her sporadic bipolar symptoms.
If this review was only based on the beginning and end of this book, I would give it a 5-star rating. Those passages broke my heart only for Hornbacher to string it back together. She was able to put words behind feelings I have struggled with for years. I had goosebumps when she described everything she cannot do because of her illness. She will never be the do-it-all woman of her dreams. She cannot do her P.h.D., write hundreds of academic papers, travel to exotic locations, raise wonderful children, and be a stellar wife all at once. But she can accept her condition and live the best life she can with it.
Despite my praise, I gave this book a 3.5 star rating is because I did not enjoy the middle passages. I found them to be too repetitive for my liking. I wish they were more insightful and introspective like the beginning and end. However, this was still a valuable read. It taught me a lot about the ramifications mental illness can have on our lives. Hornbacher also has a beautiful grasp on the vernacular. She can build poetic, lyric, and endearing prose with ease: “Madness strips you of memory and leaves you scrabbling around on the floor of your brain for the snatches and snippets of what happened, what was said, and when.”
If you or somebody you love struggles with mental illness, then read this book - sometimes it is so nice to read a book that just gets you.
Hornbacher bears her soul on these pages. She talks about her madness with unflinching honesty and bravado. This book gave me a true insight into the mind of someone who copes with Type I rapid-cycle bipolar disorder. Throughout her life, she is forced to keep some pretty painful skeletons in her closet. She develops an eating disorder, which mental healthcare professionals assume stems from depression. But for Hornbacher, her eating disorder was a way to have some control over her sporadic bipolar symptoms.
If this review was only based on the beginning and end of this book, I would give it a 5-star rating. Those passages broke my heart only for Hornbacher to string it back together. She was able to put words behind feelings I have struggled with for years. I had goosebumps when she described everything she cannot do because of her illness. She will never be the do-it-all woman of her dreams. She cannot do her P.h.D., write hundreds of academic papers, travel to exotic locations, raise wonderful children, and be a stellar wife all at once. But she can accept her condition and live the best life she can with it.
Despite my praise, I gave this book a 3.5 star rating is because I did not enjoy the middle passages. I found them to be too repetitive for my liking. I wish they were more insightful and introspective like the beginning and end. However, this was still a valuable read. It taught me a lot about the ramifications mental illness can have on our lives. Hornbacher also has a beautiful grasp on the vernacular. She can build poetic, lyric, and endearing prose with ease: “Madness strips you of memory and leaves you scrabbling around on the floor of your brain for the snatches and snippets of what happened, what was said, and when.”
If you or somebody you love struggles with mental illness, then read this book - sometimes it is so nice to read a book that just gets you.
January 29, 2011
I could not put this book down. It is a fascinating account of a lifelong struggle with bipolar illness and the effect it has not only on the person diagnosed but on her friends and family as well. Marya (pronounced MAR-ya) Hornbacher is an incredible writer and I was constantly amazed at the idea that she could hold together the life she did and be a successful writer while struggling so desperately with this overwhelming illness. I was at turns hopeful then despairing then back to determined hopefulness - (much as she lives her life). She skillfully swept me up in the whirlwind of her manic episodes and the epic crashes of the depressive underbelly of each cycle. This is the first book I have read by Ms. Hornbacher, and now I must read her previous works and anything new she puts out as well, starting with her best seller "Wasted" about her struggle with anorexia. I have learned much about bipolar disorder by reading her account, including that it is very common for bipolar sufferers to struggle with other issues such as eating disorders and alcoholism and often it is these issues that are treated rather than the underlying cause of them all, which is of course, the bipolar disorder. I would highly recommend this book to people suffering with bipolar disorder as well as their families. She includes many helpful resources at the end of the book where help can be sought and additional research be undertaken.
October 15, 2015
I think people who write "this book isn't Wasted" or "this isn't my/ my friend's/ my cousin's roommate's brother's experience with bipolar." Like many other people, I read this book because I read Wasted a long time ago and liked it. Actually I heard an urban legend that the author died of heart trouble after writing that book, and then saw some of her other books listed, and so was curious. This book is fundamentally a description of the experience of bipolar disorder. Yes, duh, this makes it somewhat unpleasant to read. It's not a cultural commentary like Wasted was. But you can't say that the author lacks the insight or willpower to get over her problem, because no amount of insight or willpower will make bipolar go away, like it will for anorexia, which is not biologically based. I did find this book incredibly valuable to read because my previous understanding of bipolar was entire academic. I could tell you all the symptoms and maybe some of the treatment, but this book really made me see and understand what it must be like to have this disorder. It made me understand how hard it must be to hold down a job, and to maintain close relationships. (In fact, that I'm amazed that she *could* do both these things.) Worth reading, for those curious about the illness. And no, it's not about "and then I discovered yoga, or a gluten-free diet and got better." The reality of this disease is a day to day thing.
February 23, 2011
I really like these types of books. Memoirs....but any kind of memoirs....I like the one where the person has been through something rough, harsh, extreme and they share it with you. It gives you a better understanding of what people go through. Much more personal then reading a textbook or watching tv...
Marya has been cursed with bipolar disorder since she was young, but wasn't properly diagnosed until she was older. The doctors kept telling her that she had other issues and she went through so many medications. Even when she was finally correctly diagnosed she had such a hard time. That was though mainly because she had some other issues that she wasn't working on and it was interfering with her bipolar.
The way Marya wrote this book you feel as if you are there with her-which I think how a memoir should read-and when she was going through her manic periods I was usually winded myself after reading about it.
She was very lucky to have such a big support system with her family, friends and her husband. This was such an intense story that even though it was just under 300pgs it felt like it was so much longer.
Marya has also written another book called "Wasted" that I cannnot wait to read. I am also going to do some research on her and hopefully find out how she is doing now. After reading this book I feel as if I know her.
Marya has been cursed with bipolar disorder since she was young, but wasn't properly diagnosed until she was older. The doctors kept telling her that she had other issues and she went through so many medications. Even when she was finally correctly diagnosed she had such a hard time. That was though mainly because she had some other issues that she wasn't working on and it was interfering with her bipolar.
The way Marya wrote this book you feel as if you are there with her-which I think how a memoir should read-and when she was going through her manic periods I was usually winded myself after reading about it.
She was very lucky to have such a big support system with her family, friends and her husband. This was such an intense story that even though it was just under 300pgs it felt like it was so much longer.
Marya has also written another book called "Wasted" that I cannnot wait to read. I am also going to do some research on her and hopefully find out how she is doing now. After reading this book I feel as if I know her.
March 14, 2013
Amazing memior by an amazingly strong woman. I actually CAN imagine what it's like to live with Bipolar I, because Marya Hornbacher bring you along on her journey with painful honesty in her usual intense style. The beat of the book follows the beat of her moods. When she is low, the pace of her writing is dark and thick. When she is manic, her writing reaches a fevered pitch of vivid descriptions of taste, sound, visceral feelings, fear, panic, giddiness, and delusions bordering on full blown psychosis. There is no happy ending. And that's a good thing. Because, as Marya tells us, this memoir is REAL, her stories are the truth of living with a mental illness, for whom many (most?), there are no happy endings. There is no secret revealed to living a normal life once diagnosed to Bipolar I, because no such secret exists. This is not a self-help book written to tell other suffering with this illness, 'If you just follow these steps, you'll be fine.' Marya continue's to struggle to this day. And that's ok. Because as she says, it's HER life, the only one she knows, and the only one she really wants.
August 16, 2011
I absolutely loved Marya Hornbacher's first book, Wasted. I looked forward to reading Madness, and had great expectations. In comparison, Madness was terribly disappointing. It was downright annoying to read, so much so that I skimmed probably close to 33% of the book. There seemed to be no real continuity, and the thoughts were rather spaced. The only good bits were in the epilogue and "Bipoloar facts."
January 14, 2018
I really liked the content of the book, as well as Hornbacher’s writing style. But do yourself a favor and do not listen to the audiobook. The narrator was captivating when she was talking/reading, but the editing is terrible. She constantly took these huge breaths and it sounded like she was constantly gulping water. It was very distracting (and sounded pretty gross) and could easily have been edited out.
April 6, 2024
So, I'll start by saying that I am very, very skeptical of the existence of "ultra-rapid cycling" and similar formulations in bipolar medicine. It's totally contrary to the lived experience of the vast majority of bipolar people, who have in large majorities always demonstrated slow-moving cycles between mania and depression, occurring over the course of months. (Indeed, the way cops used to tell if someone was faking bipolar disorder was to see whether they were displaying rapid shifts from happiness to sadness, which simply is not what bipolar disorder is.) My mind is not completely closed to the possibility that it exists in very rare cases. But as the era of TikTok mental illness has settled in, and more and more people have come to perform mental illness, ultra-rapid cycling has become inescapable. I think it's a bad turn in many ways. So I was biased against this book from the start; you may feel free to disregard this review for that reason.
People sometimes ask me why I won't write a mental illness memoir myself, especially given that it's a genre I've read somewhat obsessively for decades. There's a lot of reasons, but two principle ones: first, I don't remember many key events (because I was psychotic or heavily medicated and it was 20 years ago) and second, because it's all impossibly boring. For the first, well, I give a decent amount of leeway to people writing these books, as you can't expect people to remember exactly what happened in every event and there's going to be a little coloring in. But you'd like it if there was a little more acknowledgement of that fact in the average memoir. As for the second... what would the average patient with a mental illness write about? I have had a small handful of periods of psychotic mania, which I guess might be a little interesting, but they're very brief in the long flow of the illness. And then I've had the times in inpatient care, in facilities that are existentially (and intentionally) boring spaces. Sadly, I appear to be the only writer with a mental illness who didn't meet a roster of colorful characters during my various drab, boring, quotidian stays in inpatient care. When I think about writing a memoir, I just say to myself... what would I write about?
I am not accusing Marya Hornbacher of embellishing beyond the amount that I'd allow for anyone writing a memoir. I'm not accusing her of anything at all. I can only observe that I had the same reaction to her memoir here that I've had to so many in this genre: I don't know how you remember that specific detail, with such specificity, and I find it remarkable that your illness has proven so... literary. There's some keen observations here and a fair bit of original insight into the condition. But it reads like the typical mental illness memoir in that it's encumbered with the need to both tell the truth and be dramatic enough for a publishing house to print it.
People sometimes ask me why I won't write a mental illness memoir myself, especially given that it's a genre I've read somewhat obsessively for decades. There's a lot of reasons, but two principle ones: first, I don't remember many key events (because I was psychotic or heavily medicated and it was 20 years ago) and second, because it's all impossibly boring. For the first, well, I give a decent amount of leeway to people writing these books, as you can't expect people to remember exactly what happened in every event and there's going to be a little coloring in. But you'd like it if there was a little more acknowledgement of that fact in the average memoir. As for the second... what would the average patient with a mental illness write about? I have had a small handful of periods of psychotic mania, which I guess might be a little interesting, but they're very brief in the long flow of the illness. And then I've had the times in inpatient care, in facilities that are existentially (and intentionally) boring spaces. Sadly, I appear to be the only writer with a mental illness who didn't meet a roster of colorful characters during my various drab, boring, quotidian stays in inpatient care. When I think about writing a memoir, I just say to myself... what would I write about?
I am not accusing Marya Hornbacher of embellishing beyond the amount that I'd allow for anyone writing a memoir. I'm not accusing her of anything at all. I can only observe that I had the same reaction to her memoir here that I've had to so many in this genre: I don't know how you remember that specific detail, with such specificity, and I find it remarkable that your illness has proven so... literary. There's some keen observations here and a fair bit of original insight into the condition. But it reads like the typical mental illness memoir in that it's encumbered with the need to both tell the truth and be dramatic enough for a publishing house to print it.
January 16, 2010
This is the first time that I read about someone with manic–depressive disorder (/ bipolar disorder) and it certainly opened my eyes. In Madness, the author details her journey of living with the illness, from her emotionally unstable childhood to the diagnosis of her illness and finally to her acceptance of the fact that the illness will stay with her for her whole life.
It gets very repetitive in the process as she went back and forth in the progress of controlling her disorder, her experiencing countless mania and depression, a loop of getting better and getter worse, which almost made me stop reading when I was in the middle of the book. I'm glad that I didn't, as I realized that it was a progress, albeit slow, of her coming to terms with the illness. Yes, it is repetitive, whether it is for someone living with the illness, the family and friends, or merely to an outsider like me. It is a long battle to be fought, as I've learnt that self-denial and refusal to take the medication regularly (which would worsen the depression) are very common among people with bipolar disorder. I am stunned by the author's ability to articulate her feelings and her bravery for telling us her story as it is, no matter how inglorious some parts are.
It gets very repetitive in the process as she went back and forth in the progress of controlling her disorder, her experiencing countless mania and depression, a loop of getting better and getter worse, which almost made me stop reading when I was in the middle of the book. I'm glad that I didn't, as I realized that it was a progress, albeit slow, of her coming to terms with the illness. Yes, it is repetitive, whether it is for someone living with the illness, the family and friends, or merely to an outsider like me. It is a long battle to be fought, as I've learnt that self-denial and refusal to take the medication regularly (which would worsen the depression) are very common among people with bipolar disorder. I am stunned by the author's ability to articulate her feelings and her bravery for telling us her story as it is, no matter how inglorious some parts are.
September 29, 2009
I must admit, I gave up on this book feeling it just wasn't worth my time and energy. I thought it would be interesting, getting an up close and personal take on bipolar disease since I know people who suffer from it.
I got about half way through and had enough. The story tells of the author's experience with the disease, suffering, unknowing, discovery, treatment and the "ups and downs" she goes through.
It wasn't that the book wasn't well written, but reading this story became so tedious that I didn't care to find out what happened to her in the second half of the book. I felt the cycle must repeat over and over as was described in the first half and I had the sense of been there, done that which encouraged me to give up.
I would recommend this book to those who are most closely affected by this disease as it gives a stark description. My warning would be that it may painful as reality can be sometimes.
I got about half way through and had enough. The story tells of the author's experience with the disease, suffering, unknowing, discovery, treatment and the "ups and downs" she goes through.
It wasn't that the book wasn't well written, but reading this story became so tedious that I didn't care to find out what happened to her in the second half of the book. I felt the cycle must repeat over and over as was described in the first half and I had the sense of been there, done that which encouraged me to give up.
I would recommend this book to those who are most closely affected by this disease as it gives a stark description. My warning would be that it may painful as reality can be sometimes.
February 2, 2010
Hornbacher does a great job of conveying the internal experience of bipolar disorder. It's a very good book, but I gave it just 3 stars because I can't quite say that I "really liked" the experience of being inside that world with her. One interesting thing she does is to remove the specific content of her thoughts and just describe the moods themselves -- she says she feels rage, for example, but often doesn't detail the things that are setting her off, what she's raging about.
My own experience of having a bipolar family member is that, in the moment, it's often next to impossible to have that kind of distance, to recognize an interaction as a product of the person's disease, rather than a personal attack. In hindsight, Hornbacher is aware that she was delusional in many of the experiences she describes, but I've rarely seen my own family member view her own delusions with any clarity -- instead, they become larger and more entrenched over time.
My own experience of having a bipolar family member is that, in the moment, it's often next to impossible to have that kind of distance, to recognize an interaction as a product of the person's disease, rather than a personal attack. In hindsight, Hornbacher is aware that she was delusional in many of the experiences she describes, but I've rarely seen my own family member view her own delusions with any clarity -- instead, they become larger and more entrenched over time.
April 3, 2016
Brilliant and honest (often uncomfortably so), and for me a book that changed the way I look at bipolar disorder. One of my best friends had bipolar illness, and his self-medication led to cirrhosis and congestive heart failure in his early 40's and to his death in his early 50's. I thought I understood some of what was happening, but as I read this I had flashbacks to events 20 and 30 years ago that I could now see from a very different, and much more frightening, perspective. I realized I was still a little angry with this friend for what he did to himself, and for leaving us. This book made me work though that. I get what he was dealing with now, I understand his actions, and my heart breaks. I have two important people in my life now with bipolar diagnoses, neither with a case as serious as Hornbacher's or my late friend's, and I hope what I learned here makes me a better friend to them.
I can't recommend this enough. Just a great book.
I can't recommend this enough. Just a great book.
February 2, 2014
In Una vita bipolare vi è il racconto della malattia di Marya.
Segnata sin dall'infanzia da repentini cambi d'umore, da insonnia ed iperattività, da un ambiente familiare in cui alcol e depressione sono sempre presenti poiché anche il padre è affetto dalla medesima patologia.
Il bipolarismo investe anche gli affetti privati, impone al corpo un continuo iter fra letti sconosciuti, il bisogno di attenuare la depressione in litri di alcol, l'assenza di cibo e l'irrefrenabile attività.
All'insanità mentale si alternano i ricoveri ospedalieri, le scosse di elettroshock che cancellano ogni cosa.
Per Marya si riesce a trovare una definizione medica realmente combaciante solo nell'età adulta, quando ormai la vita è stata stravolta dal disturbo ignoto e incontrollabile. Il nome Bipolarismo diviene un punto di approdo poi un punto su cui poter legare con i farmaci una stabilità mai avuta.
Segnata sin dall'infanzia da repentini cambi d'umore, da insonnia ed iperattività, da un ambiente familiare in cui alcol e depressione sono sempre presenti poiché anche il padre è affetto dalla medesima patologia.
Il bipolarismo investe anche gli affetti privati, impone al corpo un continuo iter fra letti sconosciuti, il bisogno di attenuare la depressione in litri di alcol, l'assenza di cibo e l'irrefrenabile attività.
All'insanità mentale si alternano i ricoveri ospedalieri, le scosse di elettroshock che cancellano ogni cosa.
Per Marya si riesce a trovare una definizione medica realmente combaciante solo nell'età adulta, quando ormai la vita è stata stravolta dal disturbo ignoto e incontrollabile. Il nome Bipolarismo diviene un punto di approdo poi un punto su cui poter legare con i farmaci una stabilità mai avuta.
February 10, 2013
أنا أنزف : أنا حي
أنت عاقل حتى يثبت أنك مجنون
اقتباسات جذبتني عند بداية قرائتي لهذه السيرة الذاتية التي تحكي فيها ماريا عن تجربتها مع الاكتئاب ثنائي القطب. التفاصيل التي توردها صعبة جدا؛ صعبة التحمل، صعبة التخيل، صعبة التصديق.
لا أعتقد أنه يمكنني الخوض في تفاصيل مرضها الأليم فهو فوق تصورنا للحياة المضطربة أصلا. في الحقيقة الأمر الذي استوقفني هو قدرتها على استرجاع كل هذه التفاصيل بدقة متناهية. كانت تبدو واثقة وكأنها تنسخ ماتقرأه في كتاب يروي قصة إنسان آخر.
كيف لنا أن نقيم كتاب ماريا؟
أكملت الكتاب بذات الحماسة التي بدأتها بها. مثير جدًا
أنت عاقل حتى يثبت أنك مجنون
اقتباسات جذبتني عند بداية قرائتي لهذه السيرة الذاتية التي تحكي فيها ماريا عن تجربتها مع الاكتئاب ثنائي القطب. التفاصيل التي توردها صعبة جدا؛ صعبة التحمل، صعبة التخيل، صعبة التصديق.
لا أعتقد أنه يمكنني الخوض في تفاصيل مرضها الأليم فهو فوق تصورنا للحياة المضطربة أصلا. في الحقيقة الأمر الذي استوقفني هو قدرتها على استرجاع كل هذه التفاصيل بدقة متناهية. كانت تبدو واثقة وكأنها تنسخ ماتقرأه في كتاب يروي قصة إنسان آخر.
كيف لنا أن نقيم كتاب ماريا؟
أكملت الكتاب بذات الحماسة التي بدأتها بها. مثير جدًا
April 1, 2010
There being no shortage of memoirs on the subjects of bipolar disorder and addiction, this reviewer is pleased to mark this one Best in Show for detailed first-person narration of hospital intake, broken thought processes, and emotional states. If it seems odd to you to say I found this ENTERTAINING, give me a shout and we'll.....what, talk? blog? message? --We'll write notes back and forth about the whole megillah why don't we ?
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