Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family

by David P. Celani

Why, after a childhood of emotional neglect and abuse, would a man move next door to the very parents who caused him pain? And how can a woman emerge from her mother's control in order to form healthy adult relationships?Giving up family attachments that failed to meet our needs as children, David Celani argues, is the hardest psychological task an adult can undertake. Yet the reality is that many adults re-create the most painful aspects of their early relationships with their parents in new relationships with peers and romantic partners, frustrating themselves and discouraging them from leaving their family of origin. Leaving Home emphasizes the life-saving benefits of separating from destructive parents and offers a viable program for personal emancipation.Celani's program is based on Object-Relations Theory, a branch of psychoanalysis developed by Scottish analyst Ronald Fairbairn. The human personality, Fairbairn argued, is not the result of inherited (and thus immutable) instincts. Rather, the developing child builds internal relational templates that guide his future interactions with others based on the conscious and unconscious memories he internalized from his primary relationship―the one he experienced with his parents. While a child's attachment to parents who were neglectful or even abusive is not uncommon, there is a way out. Articulate, sensitive, and replete with examples from Celani's twenty-six years of clinical practice, this book outlines the practical steps to leaving home.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Personal Growth

176 pages, Kindle Edition

First published December 31, 2004

Reviews

[Solita · Rating 4 out of 5]

The writing is actually often awkward, poorly, or not even, edited. For example, it's at least fifth grade grammar to know when to use "a" vs. "an"; sometimes the punctuation is wrong, and sentence structure poor. Yeah, not great from a writerly aspect, but great, great, great in terms of explaining and showing how emotionally and/or physically abused children are damaged by their damaged parents. I think this is an excellent work for students of psychology and for therapists to read. And, certainly, great for adults who want to heal from damages caused by damaged parents. That is, if it sinks in; if you aren't so damaged that you cannot digest, absorb, and understand what Celani explains. This is certainly a possibility. It's called "denial". Boy, denial is a powerful defense. It sustains damage(s). Anyway, it's only chance and bad, or good, luck that we have the parents we have. So, if your parents suck, no need for "Why me?" or "What did I do?" or "What am I doing wrong?" These feelings developed when you were very young, a developing, helpless child (I guess from the moment you are born and slowly develop consciousness of being). Guilt and need go deep, very deep, way down to our unconscious level. Understanding this is the key to knowing how damaged parents continue to control you and undermine your personal and psychological growth. Some parents are worse than others; some adult children have the courage to see their parents for what they are, some don't. That's really what it takes, courage. Some parents are so damaged, it's better to have no contact at all. Other times, the adult child will be fine if she/he has limited contact. It's very difficult, horrible, to be constantly criticized (bitched at), cruelly demeaned, ridiculed, blamed, or raged at, let alone physically abused. But don't take it personal, because, really, it isn't. Your parent(s) is/are damaged and it's that damage talking and acting out. Some people are so horrible to be around, even when they are very old, feeble and helpless, that no one can stand them, not adult children nor paid caretakers. That's sad for the damaged person, really sad. Except, they are incapable of understanding this. These people don't feel because they are so damaged. They are shells on automatic pilot. It's you who hurts, not them. All they need and want is to control, so why allow them to control you with guilt? As for anyone who wants to heal, all the self-help books, workshops, latest craze in self-healing is useless if one remains isolated. Self-help groups (on-going) and/or individual therapy offer(s) support, with the goal to strengthen you so you can seek out and replace displaced loyalty and attachment to failed parents. You have to form attachment(s) to healthier people. A damaged person has to integrate the separate selves which develop when raised by seriously dysfunctional and damaged parents: the wounded self and the hopeful self. The wounded self rages and wants revenge; the hopeful self is blind to the dysfunctions and remains loyal and attached. Joining special interest groups is advised, making connections outside your own self, connecting with the outside world. Maybe you like hiking, or photography, or gardening, or music, or discussing literature, biking, bowling, whatever. The healthier you are, the healthier choices you will make, and the more connected to the world you will feel (and be). I guess even introverts sometimes need to be around other people. (I'm introvert, myself.) I found this book empowering.

[Nata Vieru · Rating 5 out of 5]

Scrierea este una concisă, strict la problema abordată, nu  abundă de termeni psihologici, totul este relatat pe înțelesul fiecărui cititor.
D.P. Celani ne explică mecanismele de funcționare a personalității, ne invită în culisele inconștientului și ne arată rolul familiei și cum influențează relația părinte - copil întreaga viață a viitorului adult.

"Ne întrebam adesea cum de un tânăr puternic, aparent sănătos, depinde ca un sclav de părinții săi; dacă am sonda Personalitatea sa, am vedea că, în fapt, ea aparține stadiului de dezvoltare specific unui copil de 6-7 ani. Lipsa de afectivitate cu care s-au confruntat în copilăria timpurie îi ține blocați pe acești tineri într-o adolescență (sau copilărie) prelungită, nepermițându-le să se dezvolte normal.
Fiind "în nevoie", ei nu pot înțelege cât de inutil este să aștepte pe viitor iubirea și sprijinul familiei.
În loc să își înceapă viata pe cont propriu, ei rămân legați din cauza dependenței de familia de origine, ostilă și negativă, în speranța că la un moment dat li se va oferi sprijinul emoțional necesar continuării dezvoltării personalității."

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although the author appears to be an excellent psychotherapist in terms of his results, unfortunately he seems largely unable to translate his insights for the reader in this work. The book completely fails to deliver on its goal of "outlin[ing] a quiet and reasonable program for the reader who is interested in separating from his or her family," including "the steps that help one to succeed at this difficult psychological endeavor." In fact, 95% of the book is spent outlining the Object Relations Theory school of thought on why abused and neglected children would still be attached to their family of origin, despite continued abusive treatment, and describing case histories illustrating these theories. His descriptions of successful psychological treatment of some of those individuals are conclusory rather than explaining in any depth or detail the true emotional struggle that comes along with achieving separation from an abuser. The remaining 5% almost seems an afterthought, throwaway listing, in extremely abbreviated style, "success stories" for a few of his patients, whose case histories were described so much earlier in the book that (at least this) reader was unable to remember the details of their stories. However, I did find the Object Relations Theory discussion of the relational dynamics in dysfunctional families to be very helpful and interesting, especially the typical defenses used by children to enable them to tolerate an abusive situation which they cannot escape, and get as many of their needs met as possible despite the abuse or neglect. And, I liked that he is mostly careful to avoid demonizing any person in particular. So, I feel it's still worth reading for those parts especially since it's such a short book. Unfortunately, I haven't read other works on this topic so I don't know how it compares.

It also badly, badly needed a good editor to eliminate repetitive writing style - including nearly identical sentences appearing within the same paragraph, or one or two paragraphs after they first appear (e.g., compare word-for-word sentences beginning paragraph 4 on page 5 and paragraph 2 on page 6). Yikes! Columbia University Press, what gives?

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book accidentally when I worked in a library. It had fallen off a book truck, and I got sucked in on the first page. I never thought of myself as having a bad family, but it was useful to read because he talks about family dynamics in a useful way. Many of the examples are families that are very dysfunctional, but some of the examples are of families that aren't quite so horrible. However, he does provide insights that are particularly useful for dealing with family relations that I found worked well in any situation. It's a short read and not difficult to read either, and when I was done reading it, I was really moved and felt like I had profited from the author's work. I'm not into "self-help" type books, and this certainly isn't really "self-help", but it was very empowering and insightful.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though I really liked this book, I have to say I felt it was lacking concrete information on how-to serparate oneself and feel good about it. After reading the book, I can now appreciate why it's necessary and that I shouldn't feel guilty about choosing to seperate...but I felt the book focused heavily on examples of those who need to physically seperate themselves. In fact, I'm pretty sure all of the examples involved children who's parents were physically involved in their day-to-day lives.

[Aliki Barnstone · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those life-changing books that I recommended to a friend, who recommended it to everyone he knows, and so on. It's well-written and well-researched.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unlike so many self-help "gurus" who encourage us to sweep the past under the rug and magically "forgive" and reunite with our negligent, abusive, or abandoning family members, Celani is sane, practical, and reasonable. Without demonizing people with inadequate or absent parenting/caregiving skills, he provides guidance for those of us who are better off when we have limited or no contact with our families of origin. This is one of the most useful self-help books I have ever read.

[Vali Gornoava · Rating 4 out of 5]

O carte interpretabila

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommended by my very effective psychotherapist, this book has helped my understanding of my own behaviour enormously. I now feel like I have options, rather than feeling helpless because of my seemingly inexplicable excessive attachment to my dysfunctional (and hurtful) parents.

To clarify, I have a lot of experience with explanations of dysfunctional behaviour and attachment theory (as a curious long term patient), but this information has explained a lot of problems that directly relate to my adult relationship with my parents. I add that clarification for people who may believe that, since they are already familiar with personality disorders and attachment theory, this book has nothing to offer. I want to really emphasise that it is worth the read.

I recommend it to anyone who struggles with their connection to their parents, authority figures, therapists, partners or children. You don't have to still be living with your parents to get a great deal of insight and help from this book. I'm very grateful I read this.

In response to other reviews: yes, this book is poorly edited in parts (mainly grammar, some spelling/missing words) but I don't think that that should be a factor in rating the content.

[Zhenzhen Xiang · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, realistic, and insightful read.

I am amazed and grateful for the depth of analysis the author goes through, by providing real life examples of the patients. And what amazes me the most is the accurate predictions of the rationalizations and defenses emotionally starved adult children will use. - lot of them I deny. The concept of the wounded self and hopeful self are awesome. For me especially, I did not know the adverse impacts of hopeful self constructs an illusion of hope or love. I also appreciate the author’s incredible honesty which warns the abused adult children to forgo the hope of seeking justice, revenge, compensation, or imagined love from the parents who have not shown much evidence in the past few decades. The acceptance of this helps me to understand that there’s an way out, and that I absolutely need to let go of those illusions so as to not waste the time-limited rest of my life.

[Shauna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Leaving Home offers some sobering explanations for unhealthy behavior resulting from what are essentially severe examples of insecure attachment. I found his metaphor of "points" -- as in, the needed amount of emotional nurturance a child accrues versus receives, and the consequences of that discrepancy -- to be very helpful in understanding how complicated emotional dynamics work and can go wrong. I didn't appreciate that he regarded the parents of such situations as inherently maleficent, though. Some of them are, but the difficult truth is that many of them aren't. Regarding them as quasi-scum is not necessary to validate the pain of the victim -- especially when the reality is they were likely victims themselves.

[Lindsay Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly informative and world shattering (in as best of a way as that sort of thing can be) but I felt that the author could've/should've spent more time focusing on the "now what" - i.e., what the child/adult who grew up in a dysfunctional home can do now to form good relationships, a good life, etc. The author basically spent 75% of the book explaining why children of dysfunctional families can't form good relationships or a good life, and then towards the end of the book explained that the only way for a person in this position to heal and form an adult identity is by having good relationships. Talk about a catch 22.

[Cameron Hewitt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely useful in my clinical work. Celani draws on object-relations theory and his own clinical practice to craft a thoughtful and comprehensive description of the paradoxical adult attachment of abused children to their abusive parents. His advice is practical, an dh strikes a nice balance between theory and practice application. Some of his case studies seemed a but long and I found myself skimming until I got to the summaries. Nonetheless, an extremely interesting and useful book.

[Cris Drg · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book, easy to read, even for non-psychologists. It expresses the same basic ideas found in the "Illusion of Love", but in a more accessible way for people not familiar with psychoanalytic theory and language. In fact, it does a GREAT job of explaining the need-to-know of Fairbairn's relational model of object relations theory.
I will recommend this book to clients interested in reading on the subject. I find it very informative.

[Alex Delogu · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent treatment of dependency through the transition of leaving home, illustrated with clear case vignettes. The basic premise is that the more emotionally deprived someone's upbringing the more they will cling to their parents who let them down. This fact explains the paradoxical desire people have to reconnect with those who abuse them, in the hope that they will find the love they desperately needed and missed.

[Simona · Rating 4 out of 5]

For a book that is called "leaving home" it focuses 80% of it's content on the staying part. Even though a bit technical at times, I liked the new perspective it gave on the relationship I have with my family. I would have appreciated more details on the overcoming the issues part, but a good read nonetheless.

[Oana-Mădălina Spînu · Rating 4 out of 5]

O carte bună, uşor de citit şi urmărit care ne ajută să înțelegem importanța uriaşă pe care o are relația dintre copii şi părinți şi cum şi cât de mult această influențează pozitiv sau negativ viața copilului devenit adult.
Cartea te poate pune față în față cu anumite adevăruri din inconştientul tău, chiar şi dacă nu ai fost un copil agresat fizic sau verbal. Acest lucru mi s-a întâmplat mie, înțelegând mult mai profund de ce mi-a fost atât de greu emoțional să plec de acasă şi să mă îndepărtez de familia de origine. Deşi nu am fost un copil abuzat, în urma anumitor circumstanțe nu am beneficiat îndeajuns de afecțiunea şi sprijinul părinților mei, formându-mi ulterior un mecanism de salvare, şi anume cel al sinelui optimist, nutrind în inconştient iluzia că trebuie să rămân cât mai aproape de ei ca în viitor să primesc toată atenția de care am fost privată în copilărie. Plecând de acasă simțeam că pierd şansa de a recupera ceea ce pierdusem.
Sigur, eu fac parte din categoria copiilor "norocoşi", înțelegerea sinelui rănit şi sinelui optimist, mecanisme la care autorul face referire în cartea sa, fiind mult mai grea şi anevoioasă pentru copiii care provin din familii inadecvate.
Recomand această carte pentru că dincolo de faptul că mie mi-a pus o oglindă în față, m-a făcut să mă gândesc chiar la câteva persoane din anturajul meu cărora nu le-ar strica deloc să o citească. Iar lucrul acesta mă face să cred că sunt mulți cei cărora le-ar prinde bine o astfel de lectură.

[Lily Heron · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is about the process of going NC (no contact) or VLC (very low contact) with abusive family members - specifically parents or primary caregivers - as a survivor of childhood abuse. Short yet to the point, the author does an excellent job of condensing complex and emotive topics for the general reader, particularly one in need of help. Especially when it comes to sensitive issues such as fixational blame, obsessive revenge, and the impossibility of achieving any sort of justice, the author speaks with empathy and clarity, yet also with the firm wisdom of reality.

[Dana B · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's exceptional, definitely a must read! I recommand it to anyone, it makes you understand so much about the world or people you know.
It's written in a simple and accesible way, and the examples are so powerful. It made me understand what my parents did right so I can do so as well for my children, and it also made me understand people I knew who had abusive or toxic parents who also had a compulsive need to pleass them, which I couldn't understand for the life of me.
All in all, it open my eyes about himan behaviour.

[Jesse L · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book giving clear explanations of the dysfunctional behavior we have and have to process and change over time rooted in how our family raised us. It’s so clear and so concise and so nails so many concepts it’s just an excellent primer on reflecting on yourself and drawing boundaries with and/or leaving a dysfunctional family.

[Jillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting overview of the defenses that arise from inadequate parenting, with examples from his own practice. I think he is rather harsh toward the parents, however, and doesn’t seem to believe in reconciliation. When he says leaving home, he means it literally.

[Dr. Sabrina Molden · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very valuable, informative and insightful book
about a life-changing process that many need to complete.

[Meri · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5☆/5☆

[Razmuzeta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome! Could not stop reading. Cristal clear book. Cristal clear concepts. No redundancy.

[Madi · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're looking for a book to tell you step by step how to get out from your parents house this is not quite the book. But it is for sure a book which helps you understand how your parents define your future, how to reach adulthood and how to identify illfated family relations. A good book with plenty of well thought advices.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

While it's not necessarily a road map, it does provide some great insight and important knowledge/reminders for people struggling with how to relate with & to unhealthy parents. It's a good read for both the individuals in this challenging situation and the people who love them!

[Ashle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It had great insight and I could see myself in many of these patients.

[roxana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was interesting, it offered a new view on childhood problems. I'll recommend this to anyone struggling to separate (emotionally) from their families.