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In Love and War: The Story of a Family's Ordeal and Sacrifice During the Vietnam Years
A former Vietnam War POW and his wife recount their life together and their separate agonies during his imprisonment
523 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 1984
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 62 reviews
March 26, 2022
Navy fighter pilot Jim Stockdale was shot down over North Vietnam in 1965 and held captive in Hanoi with other American pilots for seven years. More than half of that time, Stockdale was confined in solitary, in conditions of almost unbelievable misery, and tortured. How Stockdale lived through this almost decade-long ordeal, for which he received the Medal of Honor, he recounts in IN LOVE AND WAR, a brilliant, fully documented prison chronicle.
Jim Stockdale joined forces with his wife, Sybil Stockdale, to write his book. She has written alternate chapters describing what she did in response to what was done to her – the sudden tearing away from a beloved husband, the agonyzing uncertainty about his fate, and the long, courageous battle with the Washington bureaucracy that for years tried to play down what they knew about the inhumane treatment of American POWs by North Vietnam.
Nevertheless, the Stockdales' account is much more than a memoir penned by a long-suffering prisoner of war and his wife. Jim Stockdale opens his story with an intriguing eye-witness account of the incident in the Gulf of Tonkin, which is widely known for resulting in the congressional passage of the Tonkin Gulf Resolution that gave President Lyndon B. Johnson authority to escalate the American involvement in Vietnam. As the commander of Fighter Squadron 51 operating from the carrier Ticonderoga, Stockdale enjoyed "the best seat in the house" overlooking the tense situation in the sea below during the three eventful days in August 1964. According to him, a single North Vietnamese torpedo boat managed to put a single bullet hole in the USS Maddox. Washington interpreted the confusion of the second night as a deliberate attack on two American destroyers operating in international waters. The action on the night of August 4, which was considered the decisive event by Washington officials, was no action at all, argues Stockdale. There were no hostile PT boats in the sea below him, only a confused shoot-out at imaginary targets. However, when the truth dawned on those in the destroyers, their corrective messages were ignored by Washington, and their earlier, wrong reports that they were under a PT boat attack again were used to justify a massive escalation of American military force against North Vietnam.
Stockdale draws the moral: before the government responds in force to the next major military crisis the nation encounters, it should be a bit more certain of the ethical reasons for deep commitment than Washington was in those fateful days following which, in Stockdale's words, "a generation of young Americans would get left holding the bag." Of course, it can be argued that the Tonkin Gulf incident was only the culmination of a US commitment to Indochina that began as early as during the Truman administration.
Stockdale, flying from the carrier Oriskany, was shot down over North Vietnam. His target had been a string of box cars. He survived and was captured. After they beat him up, the North Vietnamese locked him into a Hanoi prison cell with a broken leg and other injuries, shackled in iron. By his resistance to interrogation, he was quickly labeled by his captors as incorrigible and suffered brutal consequences. Despite his injuries, Stockdale, as senior ranking officer, organized his fellow "war criminals" into a tightly knit band of disciplined resisters, whose motto, endlessly repeated by prison tap code on the walls, was "Unity over Self." Notably, Stockdale makes no heroic claims about never breaking. Given certain extremes of physical pressure, Stockdale learned that everyone, including himself, breaks. The important thing was to make his fellow prisoners do it all over again the next day. Jim Stockdale had never been an ordinary person, despite his image of himself as a regular golf-playing, martini-drinking, "right-stuff" Navy fighter pilot. The chapters of his book that tell of his early years make it clear that he was a born fighter. However, even he underwent a near-magical change in the Hanoi torture prison. Wounded, sick, depressed, stripped of all the sophisticated weaponry that an advanced industrial nation equipped him with, having only his will to rely on, he found in himself a fire of moral leadership that inspired and held together those who were confined with him: Denton, Rutledge, Mulligan, and other brave men who tapped "God bless you, Jim Stockdale" on the walls of their cells.
The theme of transformation under pressure is in some ways even more remarkable in Sybil's case. She appears in her early biographical chapters as a standard well brought up young woman — good Connecticut family, Congregational Church, and the rest of what a proper New England background provided at the time. But this maiden, dreaming romantically of love and marriage with her handsome Naval Academy prince, turned into a true fighter who was capable not only of mustering all the wives of American POWs into a national organization to press for awareness of the plight of the captives, but of taking on the whole bureaucracy of the Navy, the departments of State and Defense, the Governor of California – Ronald Reagan – and the President of the United States – Richard Nixon – nothing to say of Henry Kissinger and the whole North Vietnamese "Peace" team in Paris.
After a separation of seven and a half years, Sybil and Jim Stockdale were reunited, together with their four sons in February 1973, when American POWs were released. The photograph of their meeting at the Miramar Naval Air Station, San Diego, tells their story better than words. Since then, Jim Stockdale had worked hard to get across his message – a message about courage, endurance, patriotism, and integrity.
IN PEACE AND WAR easily ranks among the best war memoirs I have read. It is not a long and particularly detailed one, but it perfectly captures the essence of what Jim and Sybil wanted to convey to the reader. This book is as entertaining as it is devastating. I highly recommend it to all Vietnam and military history buffs.
Jim Stockdale joined forces with his wife, Sybil Stockdale, to write his book. She has written alternate chapters describing what she did in response to what was done to her – the sudden tearing away from a beloved husband, the agonyzing uncertainty about his fate, and the long, courageous battle with the Washington bureaucracy that for years tried to play down what they knew about the inhumane treatment of American POWs by North Vietnam.
Nevertheless, the Stockdales' account is much more than a memoir penned by a long-suffering prisoner of war and his wife. Jim Stockdale opens his story with an intriguing eye-witness account of the incident in the Gulf of Tonkin, which is widely known for resulting in the congressional passage of the Tonkin Gulf Resolution that gave President Lyndon B. Johnson authority to escalate the American involvement in Vietnam. As the commander of Fighter Squadron 51 operating from the carrier Ticonderoga, Stockdale enjoyed "the best seat in the house" overlooking the tense situation in the sea below during the three eventful days in August 1964. According to him, a single North Vietnamese torpedo boat managed to put a single bullet hole in the USS Maddox. Washington interpreted the confusion of the second night as a deliberate attack on two American destroyers operating in international waters. The action on the night of August 4, which was considered the decisive event by Washington officials, was no action at all, argues Stockdale. There were no hostile PT boats in the sea below him, only a confused shoot-out at imaginary targets. However, when the truth dawned on those in the destroyers, their corrective messages were ignored by Washington, and their earlier, wrong reports that they were under a PT boat attack again were used to justify a massive escalation of American military force against North Vietnam.
Stockdale draws the moral: before the government responds in force to the next major military crisis the nation encounters, it should be a bit more certain of the ethical reasons for deep commitment than Washington was in those fateful days following which, in Stockdale's words, "a generation of young Americans would get left holding the bag." Of course, it can be argued that the Tonkin Gulf incident was only the culmination of a US commitment to Indochina that began as early as during the Truman administration.
Stockdale, flying from the carrier Oriskany, was shot down over North Vietnam. His target had been a string of box cars. He survived and was captured. After they beat him up, the North Vietnamese locked him into a Hanoi prison cell with a broken leg and other injuries, shackled in iron. By his resistance to interrogation, he was quickly labeled by his captors as incorrigible and suffered brutal consequences. Despite his injuries, Stockdale, as senior ranking officer, organized his fellow "war criminals" into a tightly knit band of disciplined resisters, whose motto, endlessly repeated by prison tap code on the walls, was "Unity over Self." Notably, Stockdale makes no heroic claims about never breaking. Given certain extremes of physical pressure, Stockdale learned that everyone, including himself, breaks. The important thing was to make his fellow prisoners do it all over again the next day. Jim Stockdale had never been an ordinary person, despite his image of himself as a regular golf-playing, martini-drinking, "right-stuff" Navy fighter pilot. The chapters of his book that tell of his early years make it clear that he was a born fighter. However, even he underwent a near-magical change in the Hanoi torture prison. Wounded, sick, depressed, stripped of all the sophisticated weaponry that an advanced industrial nation equipped him with, having only his will to rely on, he found in himself a fire of moral leadership that inspired and held together those who were confined with him: Denton, Rutledge, Mulligan, and other brave men who tapped "God bless you, Jim Stockdale" on the walls of their cells.
The theme of transformation under pressure is in some ways even more remarkable in Sybil's case. She appears in her early biographical chapters as a standard well brought up young woman — good Connecticut family, Congregational Church, and the rest of what a proper New England background provided at the time. But this maiden, dreaming romantically of love and marriage with her handsome Naval Academy prince, turned into a true fighter who was capable not only of mustering all the wives of American POWs into a national organization to press for awareness of the plight of the captives, but of taking on the whole bureaucracy of the Navy, the departments of State and Defense, the Governor of California – Ronald Reagan – and the President of the United States – Richard Nixon – nothing to say of Henry Kissinger and the whole North Vietnamese "Peace" team in Paris.
After a separation of seven and a half years, Sybil and Jim Stockdale were reunited, together with their four sons in February 1973, when American POWs were released. The photograph of their meeting at the Miramar Naval Air Station, San Diego, tells their story better than words. Since then, Jim Stockdale had worked hard to get across his message – a message about courage, endurance, patriotism, and integrity.
IN PEACE AND WAR easily ranks among the best war memoirs I have read. It is not a long and particularly detailed one, but it perfectly captures the essence of what Jim and Sybil wanted to convey to the reader. This book is as entertaining as it is devastating. I highly recommend it to all Vietnam and military history buffs.
April 18, 2020
It has taken 8 months to finish this book. I started it while in Galesburg IL hosting an RV rally. Jim Stockdale was from Abington IL a short distance away. Both Jim and Sybil Stockdale are inspirations on how to get through when life goes against you. A story about how Jim spent 8 years as a captive in North Vietnam and how he inspired other prisoners and resistance interrogation. While Sybil worked with other wives of captives to bring to the American attention the violation of Geneva convention protocols and torture from the North Vietnamese. It is a book of love between husband and wife who were apart for 8 years. A good read
January 16, 2008
I borrowed this review from Amazon because it says so much more than I could....GO READ THIS BOOK!!!
"Without a doubt the Stockdale's should be considered a national treasure becuase of the lives they lived under arduous circumstances and horrific conditions. None of us will every fully know or much less comprehend the extent of the mutual sacrifice from both Admiral and Sybil Stockdale in service to one another, other POW/MIA families, and their country. If you want inspiration, then read their book. If you want to learn to rise above your circumstances, then read their book. If you want to move from self absorption, then read their book. If you want to understand and see commitment, sacrifice, loyalty, perseverance, tenacity of spirit, and an ability to rise above the chaos of life, then read their book. If you want a rich philosophy and ethic for life, then read their book. If after reading it you don't come away with a different outlook on life, then read it again . . . you must have been distracted. The book is a journey through their history, skewed governmental policies, personal endurance, and the value of having a personal philosophy of life." Steve Smith
"Without a doubt the Stockdale's should be considered a national treasure becuase of the lives they lived under arduous circumstances and horrific conditions. None of us will every fully know or much less comprehend the extent of the mutual sacrifice from both Admiral and Sybil Stockdale in service to one another, other POW/MIA families, and their country. If you want inspiration, then read their book. If you want to learn to rise above your circumstances, then read their book. If you want to move from self absorption, then read their book. If you want to understand and see commitment, sacrifice, loyalty, perseverance, tenacity of spirit, and an ability to rise above the chaos of life, then read their book. If you want a rich philosophy and ethic for life, then read their book. If after reading it you don't come away with a different outlook on life, then read it again . . . you must have been distracted. The book is a journey through their history, skewed governmental policies, personal endurance, and the value of having a personal philosophy of life." Steve Smith
February 17, 2017
One of the best historical books I have ever read.
Incredibly inspirational and motivating.
Incredibly inspirational and motivating.
June 25, 2021
Jim and Sybil Stockdale are probably the best example of love and devotion I have ever come across. Fascinating story, I didn't want the book to end.
April 18, 2008
You may recall that the author, James Stockdale, was the vice presidential running mate of Ross Perot in the '90's. But Stockdale was a Viet Nam pilot and POW. This is an amazing story of his experience, and the experience of his wife - which was not as a simple pacifist. It even provides insight into Stockdale's experience with the Bay of Tonkin - which supposedly sparked US involved in the war. Great read!
March 13, 2024
Excellent story-telling (reality of war, romance, human capabilities). Husband and wife trade off chapters of 8 years of POW life in Vietnam and at home in America. Couldn’t put this book down.
God has made us humans to withstand far more than we can imagine.
This book is sobering and thrilling… particularly at the overlaps I see in Vietnam War Era and today.
God has made us humans to withstand far more than we can imagine.
This book is sobering and thrilling… particularly at the overlaps I see in Vietnam War Era and today.
August 26, 2024
My Mother bought me a used copy of this book because it is no longer in print. It was one of her favorites and I feel the same. She actually said it was the only book she never returned to the library. Instead she went and paid for it so she could keep it. I have not had the opportunity to read many books about the Vietnam war and I was recently able to travel to Hanoi and tour the "Hanoi Hilton" prison. This book was an amazing account of the experience of James Stockdale and his wife Sybil. James was shot down and became a prison of war for over 7 years. He was the the senior officer and led prisoners in their resistance. Meanwhile his wife organized families of POWs and missing officers. I was so inspired by both of their bravery. My mother graduated from high school in 1965 when the war started and both of my parents lost friends who died in the war. My dad enlisted in the reserves with his friends to not be drafted after serving a church mission.
I wish I could have my bookgroup read this so we could discuss it! I highly recommend reading this book!
I wish I could have my bookgroup read this so we could discuss it! I highly recommend reading this book!
May 13, 2025
I read this book when it first came out. Mrs. Stockdale became one of my Navy wife heroines.
Told in both voices, changing chapters with events, this is a personal story/memoir of a Navy couple. Stockdale himself spent nearly 8 years in a POW camp in Vietnam while his wife began the National League of Families during that time.
Both worked hard--and Stockdale himself was nearly killed/beaten to death by the Vietnamese captors several times--under adverse circumstances to bring the men home.
True and harrowing story.
Told in both voices, changing chapters with events, this is a personal story/memoir of a Navy couple. Stockdale himself spent nearly 8 years in a POW camp in Vietnam while his wife began the National League of Families during that time.
Both worked hard--and Stockdale himself was nearly killed/beaten to death by the Vietnamese captors several times--under adverse circumstances to bring the men home.
True and harrowing story.
December 7, 2019
Unbelievable what Jim Stockdale had to go through. Amazing how he not only coped with the torture, the starvation, the cold, the loneliness for 4years, his injuries, but found strength to exercise leadership and provide all other with rules and goals to have some utility in their experience. I'll never forget this extreme example of courage & determination.
His wife, Sybdil Stockdale, is the best example I read so far of the principle in Steven Covey's 7 principles: be proactive. Do something in you area of impact, leave the rest in your area of concern. Writing letters to the white house, meeting senators, speaking on tv and doing interviews all over the States, to start as first Chairwomen of the nationwide organization of People in the same situation. She got into several meetings with the president and Dr. Kissinger. Nothing is impossible.
His wife, Sybdil Stockdale, is the best example I read so far of the principle in Steven Covey's 7 principles: be proactive. Do something in you area of impact, leave the rest in your area of concern. Writing letters to the white house, meeting senators, speaking on tv and doing interviews all over the States, to start as first Chairwomen of the nationwide organization of People in the same situation. She got into several meetings with the president and Dr. Kissinger. Nothing is impossible.
May 17, 2021
As the spouse of a veteran who had a 27 year career and 4 deployments, not including a year in Korea, this book spoke right to my heart. I was reminded of all the women (and a few men!) I was alongside on the ride as a military dependant. I am in awe of Sybil's strength. Some women could not have survived what she did. She is a shining example of the strength a military wife must possess. While she might not have been physically tortured as her husband was, she endured her own version of hell. May God bless her.
Read
April 6, 2020An amazing story!
July 15, 2017
In September 1965, Jim Stockdale, a naval fighter pilot, was shot down over North Vietnam, and spent the next seven years as a prisoner of war. In this book, in alternating chapters, he and his wife Sybil recount their experiences. I found it an informative account of this aspect of the Vietnam War, but an uncomfortable read. The prisoners were tortured. Their families suffered. The politics of the Vietnam War upsets me.
I note that the portrayal of the Vietnamese captors struck me as racist. I may be over sensitive on this issue. (My father was ethnically Chinese and spoke English with an accent.) I have no sympathy for men who committed or sanctioned torture, and racism by their victims is understandable (the treatment of the American prisoners in North Vietnam was appalling). Yet still the depiction of the Vietnamese troubled me.
I note that the portrayal of the Vietnamese captors struck me as racist. I may be over sensitive on this issue. (My father was ethnically Chinese and spoke English with an accent.) I have no sympathy for men who committed or sanctioned torture, and racism by their victims is understandable (the treatment of the American prisoners in North Vietnam was appalling). Yet still the depiction of the Vietnamese troubled me.
April 9, 2018
This memoir was difficult to get into as it was often overly descriptive, but it was worth it. Amazing (and horrific) descriptions of the Hanoi prison where Admiral Jim Stockdale was held prisoner for most of the Vietnam War. Stockdale takes the reader through the early days and military machinations leading to the conflict. He had military training to unfailingly follow a command, trust in his superior officers, and faith that America was acting with noble intent. I've read much about the the war protests...but this was no protest novel. Reading this memoir was like flipping a coin. For me it was a different side to a well-known historical event.
July 22, 2019
A very important first-hand account of the Vietnam War from the perspective of an American POW and his wife. The book helped me to understand what was going on in Vietnam, what decisions our government was making, and why the war went on for so long and had the outcome that it did.
Equally important were the lessons taught on courage and integrity through the Stockdale's love and devotion to each other, to our nation, and to doing what is right even when it means great personal sacrifice.
God isn't mentioned heavily, but it is easy to see His hand in their lives.
Equally important were the lessons taught on courage and integrity through the Stockdale's love and devotion to each other, to our nation, and to doing what is right even when it means great personal sacrifice.
God isn't mentioned heavily, but it is easy to see His hand in their lives.
May 2, 2024
Phenomenal. 10 stars. One of the greatest wartime memoirs and the greatest love story ever told. Jim and Sybil are both excellent writers and tell their extraordinary story beautifully. Amazing. If you are so lucky to hear about this book you absolutely must read it; and buy copies for friends. Fantastic.
March 7, 2019
Sybil and Jim Stockdale wrote alternating chapters about their experiences when Jim was shotdown and spent years as a POW in Hanoi. A few chapters about their life when they were reunited.
Why I started this book: I was interested in reading about a marriage that survived the military deployment, especially when Jim was shot down over Vietnam and spent years as a POW while Sybil raised their four boys.
Why I finished it: Heavy on technical details at the beginning, it is an inspiring story... but a less than easy book to read (stylistically and subject matter.) More focused on events than feelings.
Why I started this book: I was interested in reading about a marriage that survived the military deployment, especially when Jim was shot down over Vietnam and spent years as a POW while Sybil raised their four boys.
Why I finished it: Heavy on technical details at the beginning, it is an inspiring story... but a less than easy book to read (stylistically and subject matter.) More focused on events than feelings.
January 17, 2022
An autobiography of American pilot and Vietnam war's highest ranking and longest held POW shot down over North Vietnam. He and his wife write dual chapters of what each was going through at the same time as the other. From when they were growing up and until they met, early marriage, as an early POW and how that made her the top wife of high ranking POW. Then the US state department gets involved, the POW wives get involved, the abuse and torture their husbands have to go through at the hands of the Viet Cong, the war ends and the POW's are reunited with their families.
May 7, 2023
Jim (Navy fighter pilot) and Sybil (wife and national coordinator of the National League of Families) Stockdale, in alternate chapters, re-told of the story from the lead up to (Gulf of Tonkin incident) him being captive and 8 years of torture in North Vietnam, how he was leading his loyal group of POW in resisting propaganda, Sybil's bravery in uniting the wives of POW and the missing, in her persistence in meeting with the President and various Generals, while raising their 4 boys.
September 21, 2024
This was a fascinating memoir by James Stockdale, who was a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War, and his wife, Sybil Stockdale, who raised four sons on her own and helped get her husband and other prisoners out of bondage by changing how Americans' viewed prisoner of war treatment. Sybil and James are examples of courage and strength in times of turmoil. This book was a great read and so interesting. I would recommend it.
May 5, 2017
This book was fantastic, read as part of my work book club and I loved how the chapter go back and forth between VADM Stockdale and his wife Syb. This book gave me a whole new perspective on the Vietnam War and understanding of what a prisoner of war camp entailed. I highly recommend for anyone interested in military history and the later edition has an extra chapter.
March 10, 2019
It’s hard to say I enjoyed this book but I did find it amazing. I can’t imagine what people involved went though on either side but this gives us more than a glimpse. Hard to understand how her chapters are life going on and his chapters show the brutality and unknown of was the next day holds. I’d be happy to pass this book along if you’re interested.
September 19, 2022
Talk about love and devotion! The Stockdales make a brilliant writing duo, and I thoroughly enjoyed every chapter by each of them. The letters (all too few) the Communists allowed them to share speak to a relationship tested by adversity and a separation of more than seven years. Emotional and entertaining read.
January 26, 2024
Switching chapters from husband to wife was a predictable but effective technique. However a timeline of key dates would be both a powerful testimony to drama as well as a useful reference.
Enjoyed the book, the (-) for me was the kids lives. Sybil Stockdale’s fussing about her hairdo and outfits says alot about 1970s culture.
Enjoyed the book, the (-) for me was the kids lives. Sybil Stockdale’s fussing about her hairdo and outfits says alot about 1970s culture.
April 8, 2020
My only recollection of Admiral Stockdale was that he was Ross Perot's Vice-Presidential running mate. I had no idea of his involvement with the Gulf of Tonkin incident and the years he spent as a POW in Hanoi.
Quite an amazing story.
Quite an amazing story.
March 27, 2022
Many Americans first learned of Admiral James Stockdale when Ross Perot introduced him as his running mate in 1992. Chapters rotate between Stockdale's detail of the physical and mental battle against the enemy during his seven years as a POW while his wife battles red tape at home.
September 21, 2024
Jim and Sybil Stockdale alternate chapters as they tell their respective stories of being a POW and a POW's wife during the Vietnam War. Recommended by the stoics, I had to read to dive into stoicism as a practice, and not just a philosophy.
April 13, 2020
I was so intrigued by the Stockdale’s story that I had to finish the book. But it was very poorly edited. They are both true American heroes and must be remembered that way.
Want to read
December 13, 2020I have no idea how I didn’t know of this book’s existence until about 10 seconds ago
Displaying 1 - 30 of 62 reviews