Being Happy: You Don't Have to Be Perfect to Lead a Richer, Happier Life: You Don't Have to Be Perfect to Lead a Richer, Happier Life

by Tal Ben-Shahar

Bestselling author Tal Ben-Shahar has done it again. In Being Happy (originally published in hardcover as The Pursuit of Perfect , 978-0-07160882-4), he gives you not only you the theory but also the tools to help you learn how to accept life as it actually is instead of what you think it should be. By using the science of positive psychology along with acceptance, Ben-Shahar shows you how to escape the rat race and begin living a life of serenity, happiness, and fulfillment. With the same technique that made Happier such a great success, Being Happy shows you how to let go of unrealistic expectations and truly accept your emotions for a more serene life. Praise for
"[Tal Ben-Shahar has] a rare brand of good sense that is embedded in scientific knowledge about how to increase happiness." -- Martin E. P. Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness "Ben-Shahar teaches that happiness isn’t as elusive as people think." -- Publishers Weekly "One of the most popular teachers in Harvard’s recent history." -- Ellen J. Langer, author of Mindfulness and On Becoming an Artist Tal Ben-Shahar is the New York Times bestselling author of Happier . He consults and lectures around the world to executives in multinational corporations, the general public, and at-risk populations. For more information, visit www.talbenshahar.com

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Self Help, Mental Health, Home Economics, Personal Growth

544 pages, Paperback

First published September 23, 2010

About the author

Tal Ben-Shahar (Hebrew: טל בן-שחר‎, also known as Tal David Ben-Shachar) is an Israeli teacher and writer in the areas of positive psychology and leadership.

Tal Ben-Shahar taught at Harvard, where his classes on Positive Psychology and The Psychology of Leadership were among the most popular courses in the University's history. Today Tal teaches at the Interdisciplinary Center, Herzliya.

Tal received his PhD in Organizational Behavior from Harvard University. His dissertation, completed in 2004, is titled "Restoring Self-Esteem's Self-Esteem: The Constructs of Dependent and Independent Competence and Worth." Additionally, he also holds a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) from Harvard in Philosophy and Psychology. His undergraduate thesis, completed in 1996, is titled "Honesty Pays: Bridging the Gap Between Moral Theory and Practice."

Tal consults and lectures around the world to executives in multi-national corporations, Fortune 500 companies, educational institutions, and the general public. Topics include leadership, education, ethics, happiness, self-esteem, resilience, goal setting, and mindfulness. He is the author of the international best sellers Happier and Being Happy, which have been translated into 25 languages.

[Sourced from his wikipedia article.]

Reviews

[Daniel Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anyone who has read enough self-help books will have heard the advice, "Don't should all over yourself." One of the biggest contradictions many gurus teach is that you should be happy most — if not all — of the time.

Tal Ben-Shahar turns those ideas on his head. He argues that so-dubbed "negative" emotions are part of the joy of life, part of being happy. Rather than avoiding or suppressing such emotions he shows you how to use mindfulness tools to accept your humanity and become an Optimalist instead of a Perfectionist.

Acting on his ideas has liberated me from feeling like I have to do everything I possible. Case in point. Even though I'm a prolific reader, I still have an ever-swelling pile of books in my to-read pile. When I die, I'm going to have unread books. Instead of feeling the weight of obligation to buy every book, I've accepted that I love to have books around me, that I'm a collector, and as such, I have the option but not the obligation to read.

This is a great start into scientific-based positive psychology.

[Rubina · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the concepts in the book are not earth-shattering, Tal Ben-Shahar's engaging writing and the coaching approach of the book, makes it an interesting read. Drawing from the science of positive psychology, Tal Ben-Shahar provides advice on how learning to curb our perfectionist traits, and moving instead to an optimalist point of view will make us happier. The book is neatly broken into 3 mains parts - the concepts and theory to Perfectionism vs Optimalistism, applying ideas gathered fm Part 1 to areas of education, work and love, and the final part, contains a short mediations on 10 aspects of perfectionism we should be mindful of.

[Olaf Morales · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing book, I loved the way he expresses complex ideas and puts them into something easy to understand.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a great, interesting read! I am very much into the mindfulness and positive psychology way of thinking these days and this book had a lot of great insights into how to change your way of thinking. Appreciate the journey!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really great resource for anyone struggling with perfectionism!

[Shishir Choudhary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book guides one in journey from trying to be "text book" perfect to being a real human being, and on the way deals with some misconceptions. Biggest takeaway being giving self and others permission to be a human. It clarifies some major misconceptions about place of "negative" emotions in life and importance of not avoiding or suppressing them. It also deals with approaches to "success".

All in all a great guide to being human.

[Eja Batbold · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it <3
Learned the difference between the Optimalist and the Perfectionist :)

[Sandeep Bedi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A idiot's guide to being happy ! A must read. Tal's writing is simple and interesting.

[Jennie Richards · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be a really interesting read. The most salient and potent information for me was the author’s focus on perfectionism, and how perfectionism prevents and blocks our happiness. The author talks about how the perfectionist is never satisfied—with themselves, with their work, with friends, or with other relationships. I have known a perfectionist on this level, and it was a very challenging, painful relationship. I wish I had read the book before meeting her! Instead, the author recommends being an “Optimalist.” Optimalists accept failure as natural, and they accept painful emotions as part of life, and don’t try to suppress them. Basically the perfectionist rejects reality and painful emotions, and keeps their suffering bottled up, and the Optimalist accepts reality, failure, dark emotions, as well as their success—as part of life. And this distinction, is really at the heart of our happiness and satisfaction in life, and with our relationships. Of course, the book is about so much more. I loved the Chapter on Optimal Love. In the back of the book, the author shares 10 Meditations, each one focusing on obstacles to our happiness and how to overcome them.

Here’s an example from the book, the auther is talking about Defensiveness: “Perfectionists perceive every criticism as potentially catastrophic, a dangerous assault on their sense of self-worth. Perfectionists often become extremely antogonistic when criticized and consequently are unable to assess whether there is any merit in the criticism and whether they can learn from it.” And, “The perfectionist wants to look good, and therefore she tries to appear flawless by deflecting criticism. She will go to great lengths to convenice others that they way she views herself is indeed correct.” I highly recommend this book.

[Melsene G · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is another positive psychology book which I thoroughly enjoyed. The author shares personal stories which we can all relate to. "We either learn to fail or we fail to learn." The question to ask is what is the best possible life we can live? Focus on the optimal, not perfectionism, and accept reality.

It's better to be an 'optimalist,' learn as you go, adapt, be forgiving. Perfectionists on the other hand have low self-esteem which is found in eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders. We need to try things and learn and grow from the effort. Take the 'good-enough' approach to life.

And the end of each chapter are exercises to do. They are helpful if you can fit them in.

The author talks about Plato (a perfectionist) and Aristotle (the de-facto father of optimalism). Constrained and unconstrained views of human nature are proffered by the great economist and social theorist Thomas Sowell. Constrained people are the optimalists, and the unconstrained are the perfectionists who think they can change human nature-not so. The former are happier, the latter always miserable. You will learn about Aristotle's golden mean. There's a chapter on optimal education and teaching. Way to go Montessori schools. There's a chapter on optimal work, just culture, and the importance of time off. The chapter on optimal love gives some tips on how to nurture your relationship.

Part 3 includes 10 meditations and offers great advice. "The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination," a concluding quote from psychologist Carl Rogers.

I would also recommend Ben-Shahar's other book on happiness called "Happier."

[Rolando · Rating 4 out of 5]

The goal of the book is to expose the negative consequences of perfectionism. A perfectionist is convinced that there is an optimal path towards a goal and aim to follow that path with little deviation. The downside of this approach is funny - it cannot include setbacks. A setback is clearly not part of an optimal path, if it were, then it wouldn’t be a setback, but just part of the path. Life thus can become hard for perfectionists as no one is immune to setbacks.
The antithesis of a perfectionist is an optimalist, who accepts setbacks as part of the journey with the goal of not being too distracted by frustration. As I’m writing this, I could be frustrated by my lack of progress in the last 15 min and deviate my attention to whether I’m good at writing, or just accept that I’m a slow writer and continue with my review. According to the author, very likely I have been practicing both acceptance and frustration. That is, we often oscillate between perfectionism and optimalism. The goal is to be aware of those moments where we derail a bit too much to perfectionism.
The book instantiates the above theory in various goals that are universal, such as finding your half-orange, being a good father, exercise competence, etc. In that sense, the book can be used as a self-help book. Other goals are not included, and I would have liked to see them included, such as dying. Although someone may argue that dying is more a setback than a goal, a very frustrating one if you ask me.
I’m happy I read this book, as I find the internal dialogue on whether I’m behaving like a perfectionist or an optimalist fascinating. For a change, this is not a moral conversation, but one about self-awareness.

[Alyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Feelings are chemical responses to be acknowledged, but not always acted upon. Feelings as authenticity? No, just patterned chemical firing along most developed neural pathways. Point isn’t to sit in the feeling. Acknowledge it, feel it, and know when it’s time to come out of it. Act not base on the feeling, but toward your purpose, goal, or word.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most self help books emphasize on staying positive. Tal Ben-Shahar sheds light on how to deal with both negative and positive emotions. One of the ideas I took from this book is that having a regular reality check is necessary. I chuckled when I read his equation on success; having unattainable goals will lead you to be disappointed because most likely, you will fall short of your expectations. Was he recommending me to lower my expectations? It gave me flashbacks on the "Lowered Expectations" series on Mad TV. However, lowering your expectations too far will also make you unhappy. So stay modest and balanced. Overall, his explanation of emotions, behaviors and the comparisons of how the Perfectionist and the "Optimalist" deal with the same situation is relatable.

[Debra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another book I read for my positive psychology class -- some really good ideas discussed include really allowing yourself to experience negative emotions in order to move on, being an optimalist which enables happiness versus a perfectionist which involves nearly always feeling some level of frustration. Worthwhile although a bit repetitious.

[Subashish Bose · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would place Martin Seligman and Jonathan Haidt abobe Ben-Shahar. Still, I liked the simplistic language is addressing the happiness factor, and how being an opimalist as opposed to perfectionist helps.

[Dochita Zenoveiov · Rating 5 out of 5]

o recomand!

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

practical guidance supported by various studies and interwoven with Tal's own experiences as a perfectionist

[Pamela Day · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ben-Shahar teaches happiness at Harvard. More evidence about managing one's psychology and shifting perspectives when they are not working