Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye

by Charles Willeford

Book by Willeford, Charles Ray

Genres: Crime, Fiction

160 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1987

About the author

Charles Willeford was a remarkably fine, talented and prolific writer who wrote everything from poetry to crime fiction to literary criticism throughout the course of his impressively long and diverse career. His crime novels are distinguished by a mean'n'lean sense of narrative economy and an admirable dearth of sentimentality. He was born as Charles Ray Willeford III on January 2, 1919 in Little Rock, Arkansas. Willeford's parents both died of tuberculosis when he was a little boy and he subsequently lived either with his grandmother or at boarding schools. Charles became a hobo in his early teens. He enlisted in the Army Air Corps at age sixteen and was stationed in the Philippines. Willeford served as a tank commander with the 10th Armored Division in Europe during World War II. He won several medals for his military service: the Silver Star, the Bronze Star, two Purple Hearts, and the Luxembourg Croix de Guerre. Charles retired from the army as a Master Sergeant. Willeford's first novel "High Priest of California" was published in 1953. This solid debut was followed by such equally excellent novels as "Pick-Up" (this book won a Beacon Fiction Award), "Wild Wives," "The Woman Chaser," "Cockfighter" (this particular book won the Mark Twain Award), and "The Burnt Orange Heresy." Charles achieved his greatest commercial and critical success with four outstanding novels about hapless Florida homicide detective Hoke Moseley: "Miami Blues," "New Hope for the Dead," "Sideswipe," and "The Way We Die Now." Outside of his novels, he also wrote the short story anthology "The Machine in Ward Eleven," the poetry collections "The Outcast Poets" and "Proletarian Laughter," and the nonfiction book "Something About A Soldier." Willeford attended both Palm Beach Junior College and the University of Miami. He taught a course in humanities at the University of Miami and was an associate professor who taught classes in both philosophy and English at Miami Dade Junior College. Charles was married three times and was an associate editor for "Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine." Three of Willeford's novels have been adapted into movies: Monte Hellman delivered a bleakly fascinating character study with "Cockfighter" (Charles wrote the script and has a sizable supporting role as the referee of a cockfighting tournament which climaxes the picture), George Armitage hit one out of the ballpark with the wonderfully quirky "Miami Blues," and Robinson Devor scored a bull's eye with the offbeat "The Woman Chaser." Charles popped up in a small part as a bartender in the fun redneck car chase romp "Thunder and Lightning." Charles Willeford died of a heart attack at age 69 on March 27, 1988.

Reviews

[Jayakrishnan · Rating 4 out of 5]

***SPOILERS ALERT***

Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye is another unusual crime thriller from Charles Willeford written in his typical assured, macho and what some people may call misogynistic (though I would disagree) first person voice. Hank Norton is a medical representative in Florida. He is a bachelor, good at his job, enjoys alcohol and has two air hostesses on call for whenever he wants to have some fun. Life is good for Hank. Until he meets Jannierre - a real woman with a musky body odor and hair under her armpits. When he is asked to whisk her away by his friend and neighbour Larry Dolman (who finds Jannierre on a dating website but is repelled by her odor), Hank gladly accepts the offer and tries to move in on her. But even though Jannierre goes out on dates with him, she refuses to sleep with him. When Jannierre's husband finds out about their relationship, he and Hank commence a deadly cat and cat game that can only end in violence. But is the man really Jannierre's husband? What is Jannierre's real motive behind meeting Hank? And why is Tom Davies the vice president of sales flying down to Florida to meet him?

Like in other Willeford novels, it is not just the main plot that is interesting. This is a novel about life in Florida, ageing and the limits and vexations of the American dream. Even though it is a small novel (160 pages), Willeford packs it in with interesting details and vignettes - for example the narrator's time in the army as a psychologist. It is also a dark and depressing novel that is wildly entertaining because of the ultra macho narrator who offers a glimpse into the American male psyche. Frankly, the worlds and characters created by Willeford are fascinating. This man was so ahead of his time. I am sure a lot of the great American crime filmmakers were inspired by his writing.

The characters and some of the chapters in Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye (published in 1987) make another appearance in Willeford's full length novel The Shark-Infested Custard (published in 1993), which I intend to reread.

[WJEP · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is (almost) identical to Part 2 - Hank Norton of The Shark-Infested Custard. Although this was the best Part of the book, there is no reason read it as a standalone novella. There was one big difference: In the final paragraph of the excerpt Hank shoots Jannaire, instead of moving to Chicago.

[wally · Rating 4 out of 5]

#16 from willeford for me
kiss your ass goodbye, charles willeford, copyright 1987, first paperback edition published november 1988...cover by joe servello...that man in the blue suit, gun in hand.

paperback...156 printed pages...5-blank pages after that=160 new math.

dedicated: for john h. davis

a quote: "anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
--nietzsche

story begins:
1
i had been running around with jannaire for almost six weeks before i found out that she was married. at ten p.m., sunday night, when i started to leave my apartment house, planning to buy the early edition of the monday morning miami herald at the 7/eleven store a block away, i knew that her husband, mr. wright, meant to kill me.

okee dokee, then...as the good doctor said (mr. smith bungles the mission, 1965)...onward & upward

time place scene settings
*there is nothing definitive as to the "now"...nothing as yet, halfway into the story...but one could place it at when-published and be safe...the 80s. maybe something about some landmark, built two years ago...perhaps w/that, if one wanted to spend the time doing so. the narrative begins after the fact of much of what is included in the telling, someone shooting at hank norton, eye-narrator...and then he begins to narrate from a time before the shot. in chapter 9, hank puts on an lp from the clash who formed in 1977 +/-...so a late 70s, 80s-setting is what we have.
*ten p.m. sunday night south miami, florida
*7/eleven store
*eye-narrator's apartment, 235, directly above the back entrance foyer at the dade towers on college drive, covers a triangular block...a bldg two years old, never been a robbery there
*miami/miami beach, south florida..."south miami area"
*lejeune (street)...college drive...santana lane (must be the 3 streets that triangulate dade towers
*dade towers parking lost across santana lane required by miami law
*a dark blue wildcat, a car
*a brown datsun, sidewalk, gutter
*electronic dating service, "electro-date"
*miami springs
*cresciente condominium on belle isle
*u.s. army pittsburgh recruiting station.
*venetian causeway
*white shark (bar...pool)
*don's birthday party, at his place
*next to the no. 8 green of the miccosukee country club
*he/she tents, swimsuits, at don's party
*kendall kwik-chek (sic)
*cutique, jannaire owns, shop on the miracle mile in coral gables
*a red light at sunset drive
*player's theater, "the homecoming" a pinter play
*top of columbus (restaurant)
*maylou's soul harbor (rest.)
*la vista (rest.)
*lejeune in coral gables, where jannaire lives
*law school where alton thead's offices are located...
*airport hotel
*university of miami, nights
*florida supreme court, u.s. supreme court
*hank's riviera...buick i guess
*ring theater
*red road---to 8th street--tamiami trail, calle ocho as the cubans call it
*target gun shop
*i-95, biscayne, macarthur causeway, miami beach, collins, miamarina
*syracuse, hank turned down, cleveland, hank turned down, chicago
*coronado beach (hotel) in san juan
*dobbs house lounge
*pigskin bar-b-que on lejeune
*miami beach, arthur godfrey road
*double x adult theater...parking lot...mens room
*ralston...name of apt c
*weinstein's apartment again...apartment b
*small neighborhood grocery, jacksonville, wright
*palmetto expressway...airport...concourse nine

t'would appear that this story includes some of the same people in The Shark-Infested Custard...larry dolman, don luchessi, eddie miller...so perhaps the narrator is...hank norton? hank was also the eye-narrator of t.s.i.c., the second part of that story.
update, 12 aug 13, monday a.m.
the 1st chapter of this story is the same as chapter 4 of the shark-infested custard. there's other willeford stories...or at least one...that has two titles...although i forget what story is the same as strange, there is another, later version. and he has one called The Whip Hand..."whip hand"...there is no article in the title--was listed wrong by whom-so-ever--that was published initially under a different name.

strange...is...i believe, a section of the shark-infested custard...perhaps one section published separately, available separately. and now i think i remember...something about/like the black mass of brother springer? perhaps that one, too has two titles.

thought it might be nice to do a side-by-side comparison of t.s.i.c. and k.y.a.g. but my version of custard is a kindle version...yet the few pages i compared seemed to be identical. been almost two years (lacking but four months) that i read t.s.i.c...long enough to have forgotten some of the details.

characters
*eye-narrator, two hundred pounds, male, 32-yr-old, went to r.o.t.c. summer camp, drinks st. james scotch, hank norton. he was two years as station psychologist at the u.s. army pittsburgh recruiting station. hank is a drug pusher for the drug companies, a pharmaceutical salesman for lee laboratories. tries to see 40 doctors a week
*jannaire, a married woman w/whom the eye had been running around w/for six weeks before he found out she was married...never touched her, although he intended to do so. jannaire changed her name five years ago..."no last name"...drives a porsche with battered front fenders, she designs clothes, owns cutique. she is at least 30, possibly older.
*mr wright, her husband, in his early 40s, 5-8, 150#, bald in front w/the comb-over
*whoever it was shot at me, the driver of a dark blue wildcat
*a lot of people in miami who have keys who shouldn't
*larry "fuzz" dolman, 30-yr-old, has an apt in dade towers, 319, a friend of the eye-narrator & an ex-cop, he works for national security, a nationwide private investigative agency, has a b.a. in police science from the university of florida, went to the unitarian church in gainesville
*don luchessi, another friend, lives in dade, left his wife, went back to her
*eddie miller, another, who had moved out of dade and was shacking up w/a well-to-do widow in miami springs. eddie is a commercial pilot.
*clara luchessi, don's wife, a talker
*don luchessi's wife's priest, her father, her mother, her brother
*don's eight-year-old daughter, little fat marie, cheats at pool
*the colonel, don's boss
*master sergeant weber, hank's ncoic of testing when he was in pittsburgh/u.s. army
*homosexuals
*shirley weinstein, larry's 1st date through the service, lives in miami beach in the cresciente condominium on belle isle, 12th/top floor. for the last year and a half she was in israel living on a kibbutz
*stewardesses
*two girls, two cuban girls, rita & tine, that hank knows in hialeah
*irv weinstein, shirley's father, 55 or 56, retired furrier
*mrs helen weinstein, shirley's mother
*some maniac (drums recording)
*the guests (don's party)
*joe t. or jotey-bartender at don's party, a black man who also baggged groceries at kendall kwik-chek (sic)
*don's male friends...middle-aged strangers
*nita peralta, don's chubby cuban secretary
*don's business customers
*older far right doctors...younger far left doctors
*a middle-aged cuban in a blue chalk-striped suit
*a wide-assed girl climb out of the pool across the water
*most of the women in miami and half the gay men
*40 doctors a week (hank)
*doctors' secretaries
*jannaire's aunt from cleveland
*sadie...owns the white shark
*sadie & an old man, playing pool
*little chick eddie had, was with...the playboy bunny
*larry's girl, the chubby brunette
*gladys wilson, the woman eddie is shacking up with...she is 47, not 45 as she told eddie
*a professor at michigan (hank/past)...harry stack sullivanite
*a draftee
*one gay sonofabitch
*jannaire's younger sister, suicide at 22
*man at the five-a-day car rental
*alton thead...former lawyer, reason why hank is not a lawyer...hank took his intro to law course, is in his late 50s, brings a lawsuit on behalf of a jewish guy, circumcision the complaint
*julie westphal...a guy, hank's immediate supervisor, the district manager in atlanta
*tom davies, vice president for sales, lee laboratories, only 35-yr-old
*ned lee, founded the company
*two show girl types
*some of the other officers from the recruiting station (hank's past)
*a reserve unit (past)
*our commander, lt. col. worked gas station during the week (past)
*4 or 5 of the others were lawyers
*a pal beach client about a tax dodge
*students
*a white-haired old guy w/a beard (probably a disguise, suggested later in the story)
*2 cuban refugees
*half-dozen curious students
*a middle-aged cuban w/fluffy sideburns/target gun shop, jose
*mr dugan, older red-haired man at target gun shop/owner
*johnny maldon, salesman in...alabama?
*a black man from the leeward islands
*gonzales, in puerto rico, salesman or manager...b.s. tufts, speaks languages
*some lawyers in a hotel room in boston
*the old guy...at the parking lot for the double x adult theater
*cuban woman in the box office
*about 30 people scattered about in the audience (mostly men)
*two white-haired ladies
*a man stood at the combination candy-and-porno glass counter
*the girl at the counter (gum/hank)
*a young latin male of twenty or twenty-one
*a security man in uniform
*francis...wright's son
*l.c. smith...
*bernice kaplan...name of jannaire's sister
*jannaire's lawyer
*20,000 lawyers in dade county


update, finished, 12 aug 13 monday evening 9:02 p.m. e.s.t.
i looked at my 'review' of The Shark-Infested Custard...this after going through my highlights in the kindle-version of the story. said above that chapter one here is chapter four in t.s.i.c...looking at my review...there seems to be a variety of differences...other things also happening in that story...and i don't know, can't say, that everything in this one is included in t.s.i.c. been a year eight months since i read the other though...i'd forgotten the story-line...or was vaguely remembering t.s.i.c. where 'other things' do happen, etc...so all-in-all, if you want to read both stories, do so...maybe spread some time between reads or not however you want to do it. hi ho.

i still think it would be interesting to do a side-by-side comparison of the two...maybe get a feel for how the story was re-written, or added to...if t.s.i.c. came afterward. i didn't include any of the dreaded spoiler material in my review, darnit...and looking at the end of that one, it does not end as this one does. willeford tells a good story, though. good read.

[Peter · Rating 1 out of 5]

For a writer with a good reputation, this is a pretty miserable little book.

Though barely novella-length, it’s padded out with estate agents’ descriptions of Miami apartments, a lot about car parking, and more than I ever wanted to know about being a pharmaceutical sales rep.

The plot, such as it is, is implausible, without being interestingly implausible, and the whole thing reads like something slung together to meet a deadline. I now discover it was rejected by Willeford’s publisher, which is not surprising, and rehashed to form part of The Shark-Infested Custard. Clearly a bad choice for a newcomer to Charles Willeford. Am I tempted to read more of his Miami noir? I think not.

[Mike Spencer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This feels like one of Willeford's lazier efforts, but still enjoyable. You will never read another climactic scene that involves: a tire iron, a man in a wig, and a porno theater bathroom.

The book pits horn-dog Miami pharma rep Hank against a supposed jealous husband. The scenes in the bulk of the book are funny and insightful but feel a bit slow-paced.

Willeford makes up for it though with a dynamite last few chapters that reveal why the supposed jealous husband was after him. As usual, good dark humor you would expect in a Willeford book. And, as with his other protagonists, salesman Hank battles self-destructive tendencies. This feels like a more modern book for Willeford, set in Miami likely in the early '80's. It might not be a bad starter book for someone who wants to explore this crime master.

[Craig Childs · Rating 4 out of 5]

"I had been running around with Jannaire for almost six weeks before I found out that she was married. At ten p.m., Sunday night, when I started to leave my apartment house, planning to buy the early edition of the Monday morning Miami Herald at the 7/Eleven store a block away, I knew that her husband, Mr. Wright, meant to kill me."

Hank Norton is back--along with his badly-behaving bachelor pals Larry, Eddie, and Don from "Strange".

Hank has been chasing the bohemian businesswoman Jannaire despite little success thus far in the bedroom department. He is unprepared for the sudden revelation that she is married to a psychopath. The mustachioed cuckold Mr. Wright first tries to shoot him, then to blow up his car with dynamite.

Hank figures he must to arm himself to make some sort of preemptive strike. It's kill-or-be-killed on the streets of Miami…

Charles Willeford dials up the trademark quirkiness of his characters to freakish levels in this slim 160-page novel. For example, Hank's obsession with the married woman stems primarily from his fascination with her unshaved armpits and the allure of her body odor:

"The musk smell on Jannaire was faint, because her own smell, or reek, to be more exact, of primeval swamp, dark guanoed caves, sea water in movement, armpit sweat, mangroves at low tide, Mayan sacrificial blood, Bartolin glands, Dial soap, mulberry leaves, jungle vegetation, saffron, kittens in a cardboard box, Y.M.C.A. volleyball courts, conch shells, Underground Atlanta, the Isle of Lesbos, and sheer joy--Patou's Joy--overpowered the musk oil. I was overwhelmed by the nasal assault, overcome by her female aroma, and although I could not, at the time, define the mixture--nor can I now, exactly--there wasn't the faintest trace of milk. Here was a woman."

This 1987 novel originated from a self-contained fragment of a much longer book that Willeford could never get published during his lifetime. For standalone publication, Willeford rewrote only the final paragraph to provide a completely different resolution to the conflict. (The original, full novel came out as The Shark-Infested Custard several years after Willeford's death.)

I listened to the audiobook narrated by Dan Bittner.

[Andy Weston · Rating 3 out of 5]

Willeford beats me here. He has created a protagonist so dislikeable that it put me right off the story.
It begins splendidly..

I had been running around with Jannaire for almost six weeks before I found out that she was married. At ten p.m., Sunday night, when I started to leave my apartment house, planning to buy the early edition of the Monday morning Miami Herald at the 7/Eleven store a block away, I knew that her husband, Mr. Wright, meant to kill me.

Hank, the aforementioned protagonist, is a successful pharmaceutical salesman with a massive ego, especially when it involves women. He finds himself inevitably drawn to Jannaire by ‘her reek of primeval swamp’. But, Jannaire has a big surprise for him.

One of Willeford’s specialties was writing novels that were commentaries on psychopaths in everyday life, anti-heroes who eventually get there comeuppance. Usually they are socially quite acceptable, and even popular in some books, like this one.
The problem is that it’s difficult to care for anyone in this novel. But it’s necessary to remind yourself as reader repeatedly through the book just who wrote it.. this is Willeford, to make you feel like that is exactly what he intended.

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a lost Willeford classic (or a sequel to Shark-Infested Custard, as I was told); it's a long excerpt of Shark-Infested Custard. There seem to be a few minor changes here for the sake of continuity and to make the novel seem like it could take place in the 80s, when this was released, rather than the 70s, when it was first written - Hank listens to a record by the Clash, not the Stones - but it's pretty much identical. Not that that's a bad thing - Shark-Infested Custard is one of the best crime novels ever written. But there's little reason to seek out this edition, which seems to only exist because it took so long for Shark-Infested Custard to see print.

[Nicholas George · Rating 1 out of 5]

Willeford is a good writer, but this novel (more like a novelette) made so little sense that I wondered if I had missed something. I won't go into the story, other than to remark that a lot of words are spent on rather trivial stuff, and very few words on the more meaningful stuff. Bizarre, and not in a good way.

[Justin K. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy page turner. Enjoyed the Miami scenery. Last quarter of the book did not sustain the quality of the build. Deserved to be longer and with a better ending.

Still, enjoyed most of it and, therefore I’ll read more Willeford.

[Glenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Slight, as opposed to minor, Willeford (there is no minor Willeford).

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome!!!

[Nathaniel Raymond]

A weirdly-written crime thriller? I guess? About a dude who likes a woman because she's smelly? I did laugh a lot, even though I don't think he was joking.

[Freddie the Know-it-all · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really have to read all these Willefords again. They really are worth it.