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Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse
With compassion and clarity, Richard Gartner shares insights from years of working with male survivors. Among this book's greatest strengths is the extensive use of examples from Dr. Gartner's clinical practice to illustrate problems and solutions on the path to healing. Beyond Betrayal offers support, encouragement, and useful skills to men in recovery.
--Mike Lew, M.Ed., author of Victims No Longer and Leaping upon the Mountains
""If you have been sexually abused, this book will give you information, hope, direction, and most importantly, the assurance that you are not alone. Dr. Gartner has written an accessible, compassionate book that clearly lays out the healing process for men who were hurt or abused as children. Whether you were abused by a mother, a camp counselor, a neighborhood boy, or a priest, Beyond Betrayal will give you the tools you need to reclaim your life and move on. If you're going to take one book with you on the healing journey, this should be the one.""
--Laura Davis, coauthor of The Courage to Heal and author of The Courage to Heal Workbook
""Compassionate, insightful, and hopeful, Beyond Betrayal shines a bright light. It is a must-read for anyone concerned.""
--Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., author of Silently Seduced
""Beyond Betrayal cuts through the shame, confusion, misunderstanding, and fear that so often accompany the abuse of males and replaces them with clear information. I will begin to use it immediately with my patients and think that other clinicians will do so as well.""
--Christine A. Courtois, Ph.D., author of Healing the Incest Wound and Recollections of Sexual Abuse
""Beyond Betrayal offers men straightforward words of hope and a meaningful way to overcome the invisibility, stigma, and shame they have endured. Many men and their families will find this book a healing aid.""
--Jack Drescher, M.D., author of Psychoanalytic Therapy and the Gay Man
""Dr. Gartner writes in a manner any reader will find accessible. Not only does he understand the topic of males, sexual abuse, and recovery, but he can explain it to those who need to know.""
--Dr. Mic Hunter, author of Abused Boys and editor of Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: Treatment Innovations
--Mike Lew, M.Ed., author of Victims No Longer and Leaping upon the Mountains
""If you have been sexually abused, this book will give you information, hope, direction, and most importantly, the assurance that you are not alone. Dr. Gartner has written an accessible, compassionate book that clearly lays out the healing process for men who were hurt or abused as children. Whether you were abused by a mother, a camp counselor, a neighborhood boy, or a priest, Beyond Betrayal will give you the tools you need to reclaim your life and move on. If you're going to take one book with you on the healing journey, this should be the one.""
--Laura Davis, coauthor of The Courage to Heal and author of The Courage to Heal Workbook
""Compassionate, insightful, and hopeful, Beyond Betrayal shines a bright light. It is a must-read for anyone concerned.""
--Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., author of Silently Seduced
""Beyond Betrayal cuts through the shame, confusion, misunderstanding, and fear that so often accompany the abuse of males and replaces them with clear information. I will begin to use it immediately with my patients and think that other clinicians will do so as well.""
--Christine A. Courtois, Ph.D., author of Healing the Incest Wound and Recollections of Sexual Abuse
""Beyond Betrayal offers men straightforward words of hope and a meaningful way to overcome the invisibility, stigma, and shame they have endured. Many men and their families will find this book a healing aid.""
--Jack Drescher, M.D., author of Psychoanalytic Therapy and the Gay Man
""Dr. Gartner writes in a manner any reader will find accessible. Not only does he understand the topic of males, sexual abuse, and recovery, but he can explain it to those who need to know.""
--Dr. Mic Hunter, author of Abused Boys and editor of Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: Treatment Innovations
256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 4, 2005
42 people are currently reading
116 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
April 21, 2023
Very high quality resource on a very sensitive and difficult, stigmatized and misunderstood subject.
Author Richard B. Gartner is a psychologist and psychoanalyst who specializes in the field of male sexual abuse. This book is a comprehensive exploration of the emotional, psychological, and relational impact of sexual abuse on male survivors written for a general audience.
An estimated 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse can (and very often does) install a deep sense of shame at the core of our being. Many male survivors feel apprehensive to disclose their abuse. Others don’t realize they have been abused due (in part) to confusing cultural standards and biases regarding male sexuality and emotions. Others don’t remember their abuse, or only have fragmented recollections, and as such feel deeply confusion and doubt about their experience.
This book explores important issues on topic including: understanding the nature and effects of male sexual abuse, breaking the silence, dealing with shame and guilt, and the impact of child sexual abuse on adult intimacy, relationships, sense self and relationship to masculinity.
OVERT SEXUAL ABUSE:
Overt sexual abuse refers to explicit and direct sexual behavior that is forced upon a person, usually a child (but not always), by an adult or an older, more powerful individual involving non-consensual sex, including (but not limited to) touching, fondling, oral sex, and/or penetration.
COVERT SEXUAL ABUSE:
Covert sexual abuse, also known as covert incest or emotional incest, refers to a form of emotional abuse with sexual undertones whereby an adult inappropriately involves a child or adolescent in their relational and/or psychosexual needs. This type of abuse often occurs in families and can have a significant impact on the emotional development of the victim.
Examples include:
Inappropriate conversations or discussions about adult sexual issues with a child. Exposing a child to adult sexual materials or situations. Making inappropriate comments about a child's body or appearance. Using a child as a confidant or emotional support for adult relationship issues. Invasive or inappropriate physical contact that may not be overtly sexual but still crosses personal boundaries.
It's important to note that covert sexual abuse does not involve direct sexual contact, but it can still cause psychosexual, intrapersonal and relational difficulties for the victim throughout their lifespan.
If you suspect that a child is experiencing covert/overt sexual abuse, it is crucial to report it to the appropriate authorities such as local child protective services (CPS) or the police.
THE SPECTRUM OF SEXUAL ABUSE:
Sexual abuse occurs on a spectrum of severity.
Given that, even apparently mild sexual abuse can have severe implications on the individual’s development, sense of self, well-being, and functioning. The ULTIMATE rooky move is to dismiss (your own or someone else’s) sexual abuse as “not that bad”.
It’s all bad.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, get support.
SEXUAL BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries refer to the limits and guidelines individuals establish to protect their emotional, physical, and mental well-being in relationships, particularly regarding sexual activities and interactions. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is crucial for trust, mutual respect, and comfort and safety within relationships.
Communication:
Open and honest communication about one's desires, limits, and concerns is critical in establishing and maintaining healthy sexual boundaries. Everyone should feel comfortable expressing their preferences and discussing any discomfort they may experience.
Consent:
Consent is a fundamental aspect of sexual boundaries. All parties involved should provide clear, voluntary, and ongoing consent for any sexual activity. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and it is essential to respect each person's decision.
Emotional safety:
Respecting and understanding each person's emotional needs and vulnerabilities is crucial in establishing healthy sexual boundaries. It is essential to create an environment where everyone feels emotionally safe and supported.
Past experiences:
Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma may have unique needs and concerns when it comes to sexual boundaries. It is crucial to be sensitive to their experiences and provide support and understanding as they navigate their relationships and healing process.
Physical limits:
Everyone has different physical limits, comfort levels, and preferences. Respecting these boundaries and discussing any concerns or discomforts is vital for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship.
Creating and respecting sexual boundaries is essential for fostering trust, safety, and mutual respect in relationships. When individuals feel heard, valued, and safe, they are more likely to experience healthy, fulfilling relationships.
TYPES OF SEXUAL BOUNDARIES IN FAMILIES:
Healthy sexual boundaries in the family entail: Developmentally appropriate, clear communication and education regarding sex and sexuality. Appropriate attitudes and behaviors regrading nudity. Respect for privacy, physical limits, and personal preferences.
Avoidant sexual boundaries in the family entail:
Avoidance of the topic of sex and sexuality. Sheltering children from sex education. Overly cautions or shaming attitudes around nudity.
Permissive sexual boundaries in the family entail: Developmentally inappropriate oversharing on the topic of sex and sexuality. Insufficient privacy. Inappropriate nudity.
NOTE: Both avoidant and permissive family sexual boundaries represent a risk factor for child sexual victimization.
It’s m important for families to maintain healthy boundaries and educate our children about sex and sexuality in a non invasive, non shaming way.
Seductive sexual boundaries in the family entail:
Making a family member feel objectified for their looks or sexual attractiveness.
Abusive sexual boundaries in the family entail:
Engaging in overt/covert sexual abuse of a family member.
As should be obvious. Both seductive and abusive sexual boundaries are highly problematic and potentially devastating to a person’s development.
There is so much more to this book, and this subject than can be summarized herein.
This is a very high quality, very trustworthy, very comprehensive resource.
If you or a loved one need help understanding and recovering from childhood sexual abuse, this book is a must.
5/5 STARS
Author Richard B. Gartner is a psychologist and psychoanalyst who specializes in the field of male sexual abuse. This book is a comprehensive exploration of the emotional, psychological, and relational impact of sexual abuse on male survivors written for a general audience.
An estimated 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse can (and very often does) install a deep sense of shame at the core of our being. Many male survivors feel apprehensive to disclose their abuse. Others don’t realize they have been abused due (in part) to confusing cultural standards and biases regarding male sexuality and emotions. Others don’t remember their abuse, or only have fragmented recollections, and as such feel deeply confusion and doubt about their experience.
This book explores important issues on topic including: understanding the nature and effects of male sexual abuse, breaking the silence, dealing with shame and guilt, and the impact of child sexual abuse on adult intimacy, relationships, sense self and relationship to masculinity.
OVERT SEXUAL ABUSE:
Overt sexual abuse refers to explicit and direct sexual behavior that is forced upon a person, usually a child (but not always), by an adult or an older, more powerful individual involving non-consensual sex, including (but not limited to) touching, fondling, oral sex, and/or penetration.
COVERT SEXUAL ABUSE:
Covert sexual abuse, also known as covert incest or emotional incest, refers to a form of emotional abuse with sexual undertones whereby an adult inappropriately involves a child or adolescent in their relational and/or psychosexual needs. This type of abuse often occurs in families and can have a significant impact on the emotional development of the victim.
Examples include:
Inappropriate conversations or discussions about adult sexual issues with a child. Exposing a child to adult sexual materials or situations. Making inappropriate comments about a child's body or appearance. Using a child as a confidant or emotional support for adult relationship issues. Invasive or inappropriate physical contact that may not be overtly sexual but still crosses personal boundaries.
It's important to note that covert sexual abuse does not involve direct sexual contact, but it can still cause psychosexual, intrapersonal and relational difficulties for the victim throughout their lifespan.
If you suspect that a child is experiencing covert/overt sexual abuse, it is crucial to report it to the appropriate authorities such as local child protective services (CPS) or the police.
THE SPECTRUM OF SEXUAL ABUSE:
Sexual abuse occurs on a spectrum of severity.
Given that, even apparently mild sexual abuse can have severe implications on the individual’s development, sense of self, well-being, and functioning. The ULTIMATE rooky move is to dismiss (your own or someone else’s) sexual abuse as “not that bad”.
It’s all bad.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, get support.
SEXUAL BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries refer to the limits and guidelines individuals establish to protect their emotional, physical, and mental well-being in relationships, particularly regarding sexual activities and interactions. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is crucial for trust, mutual respect, and comfort and safety within relationships.
Communication:
Open and honest communication about one's desires, limits, and concerns is critical in establishing and maintaining healthy sexual boundaries. Everyone should feel comfortable expressing their preferences and discussing any discomfort they may experience.
Consent:
Consent is a fundamental aspect of sexual boundaries. All parties involved should provide clear, voluntary, and ongoing consent for any sexual activity. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and it is essential to respect each person's decision.
Emotional safety:
Respecting and understanding each person's emotional needs and vulnerabilities is crucial in establishing healthy sexual boundaries. It is essential to create an environment where everyone feels emotionally safe and supported.
Past experiences:
Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma may have unique needs and concerns when it comes to sexual boundaries. It is crucial to be sensitive to their experiences and provide support and understanding as they navigate their relationships and healing process.
Physical limits:
Everyone has different physical limits, comfort levels, and preferences. Respecting these boundaries and discussing any concerns or discomforts is vital for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship.
Creating and respecting sexual boundaries is essential for fostering trust, safety, and mutual respect in relationships. When individuals feel heard, valued, and safe, they are more likely to experience healthy, fulfilling relationships.
TYPES OF SEXUAL BOUNDARIES IN FAMILIES:
Healthy sexual boundaries in the family entail: Developmentally appropriate, clear communication and education regarding sex and sexuality. Appropriate attitudes and behaviors regrading nudity. Respect for privacy, physical limits, and personal preferences.
Avoidant sexual boundaries in the family entail:
Avoidance of the topic of sex and sexuality. Sheltering children from sex education. Overly cautions or shaming attitudes around nudity.
Permissive sexual boundaries in the family entail: Developmentally inappropriate oversharing on the topic of sex and sexuality. Insufficient privacy. Inappropriate nudity.
NOTE: Both avoidant and permissive family sexual boundaries represent a risk factor for child sexual victimization.
It’s m important for families to maintain healthy boundaries and educate our children about sex and sexuality in a non invasive, non shaming way.
Seductive sexual boundaries in the family entail:
Making a family member feel objectified for their looks or sexual attractiveness.
Abusive sexual boundaries in the family entail:
Engaging in overt/covert sexual abuse of a family member.
As should be obvious. Both seductive and abusive sexual boundaries are highly problematic and potentially devastating to a person’s development.
There is so much more to this book, and this subject than can be summarized herein.
This is a very high quality, very trustworthy, very comprehensive resource.
If you or a loved one need help understanding and recovering from childhood sexual abuse, this book is a must.
5/5 STARS
April 5, 2014
One of the most helpful books I've ready on boyhood sexual abuse. There were some days when I could only read for 10 minutes before having to put it away for a little while. One great book in my opinion.
January 14, 2019
Eye-opening
This is an excellent introduction to the issues that affect men who were sexually abused as boys, and how to heal from the abuse.
This is an excellent introduction to the issues that affect men who were sexually abused as boys, and how to heal from the abuse.
February 26, 2018
One of the best books on recovery that I've encountered. It uses simple, clear language and covers many angles. Gartner understands the nuances of an abusive experience and manages to validate those nuances without doing it at the expense of a generalized group. The writing is compassionate and accessible. The book also has many resources for those in recovery, as well as for their loved ones. He also touches on the cultural contexts that frame abusive experiences for men, and I think he does that effectively.
June 27, 2019
This is an excellent reference source for mental health professionals who are treating cysgender males who experienced boyhood sexual abuse. It's not exactly a text on sexual abuse or theory behind treatment practice, It's written with victims and their loved ones in mind, so it puts the experience and consequences of abuse into plain language so that they might be able to easily understand the material and begin the process of recovery. I found it helpful to read because sometimes I struggle putting complex concepts into words that my clients can understand, and it is also hard to understand the more complex consequences of abuse without having someone to explain it to you simply at first. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone that has suffered boyhood sexual abuse and trauma and is looking for a way to begin their recovery and growth from the experience.
August 3, 2017
Gartner presents a wholesome path for recovery of betrayal trauma in young males. Recommended for both those recovering from trauma or those seeking to guide others to do so.
July 9, 2022
The first book I ever read that got it. Recommended to all survivors.
March 13, 2023
Intense reading
If you are a male survivor of sexual abuse or know a male survivor you should read this book to help you better understand what you or he went through.
If you are a male survivor of sexual abuse or know a male survivor you should read this book to help you better understand what you or he went through.
March 4, 2012
A great book for male victims of child sexual abuse, which includes a wide range of penetrating, overt, and covert forms. I think the book is an amazing guide to help men not only understand what happened to them as boys but to learn how to heal from their scars. I recommend it highly, especially for its discussion of masculine gender socialization and fears of homosexuality.
March 3, 2011
Some good advice, though not much for rape survivors.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews