Have a New Husband by Friday: How to Change His Attitude, Behavior & Communication in 5 Days

by Kevin Leman

David Nasser is the visionary behind David Nasser Outreach. Every year he speaks to more than 700,000 people at revivals, citywide rallies, festivals, conferences, special events, camps, and concerts. The author of Glory Revealed and A Call to Die, Nasser lives with his wife, Jennifer, and their two children in Alabama.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Christian, Christian Non Fiction, Christian Living

171 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 1, 2009

About the author

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.

Connect with Dr. Leman on:
BirthOrderGuy.com
Facebook
Twitter

Reviews

[Jane Maritz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, it's Friday morning, and I don't have a new husband. In fact, my existing husband's first words to me this morning were: "You're a real piece of work, you know that?"

Granted, I'm stressing to finish three book reviews before we take off for the weekend camping trip, and I really should be packing so we can get out of here as soon as possible. So maybe he's justified. And I'd better get moving!

But the point is, Have a New Husband by Friday isn't a miracle-working book. You can't place your order and get the exact husband you want in five days. Not without doing some significant work and changing of yourself, first...

The Author

Dr. Kevin Leman is a psychologist, humorist, and New York Times bestselling author. He is internationally known for his wit and commonsense psychology, and previous books include Have a New Kid by Friday, Turn Up the Heat, and Sheet Music. He is also the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization committed to helping couples remain happily married. You can find out more about Dr. Leman at his website.

An Overview

This book promises to show you as a wife how to change your husband's attitude, behavior, and communication in five days.

Let me let you in on a little secret - the change starts with you. If you change you, your husband will change as a side effect.

There are five different areas the book focuses on; one for each day between Monday and Friday. First, understand your husband's needs. Then, get to know him; what his background was like; what makes him tick. Show him some respect. Learn how to effectively communicate with him. Learn what rewards or motivates him. And finally, learn how to put him first.

Pretty simple and straightforward, huh? The book is chock-full of examples to illustrate the principles. And while the author is very much a proponent of working on even the most hopeless of marriages, there is also a section for those who may be suffering abuse in their marriage and how to deal with or get out of it.

As Dr. Leman says, "making changes in your marriage isn't easy, but it's simple. It all starts with you, and your motivation and desire to make things work in your marriage."

My Review

Every husband (and wife) is unique, so not every strategy in this book will work with every husband. I think Dr. Leman recognizes that. However, while I may not have a new husband yet, I certainly have a lot to think about and things to work on... Give me a year or two and I'll give you a better review of how the strategies in this book work!

I actually appreciate the five day approach; it seems much more doable from the get-go than a 40-day challenge. I intend to read this book again and do a better job of applying the principles in it this time around... In fact, this is a book I need to keep on my bedside table and read again and again until it becomes a part of me.

Dr. Leman's style of writing is very easy to read, injected with humor, and with examples to keep you engaged. He also leaves you with action items, so you're motivated to apply what you've read. And the male perspective is perfect for this book!

I'd say this is a must-read if you would like to get more out of your marriage but are not sure where or how to start.

[Kelly Keeling · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is typical. Basically it states that the problems in the marriage are all the wives fault. Men hold only a small part of the blame. We have no right to the money because he is to make all those decisions for us. If we dare to be independent enough to solve our own problems we are telling him that he is too stupid to solve them for us and we do not really need him. We are to be completely dependent on him asking him how we are to fix our problems or having him fix them for us, asking him what is the best way to spend his money because we are incapable of spending the money properly. When we are aloud to leave his house without him. Why we are to blame for us unfaithful behavior. ie we are a bad wife who didn't have sex with him every single time he wanted it. How his needs are vastly important so important that everything else does not matter because we are to be dropping all we are doing for his needs to be met first at all times. While at the same time giving him all the time in the world to fulfill even one of our needs because he can only do one thing at a time and it will take him much longer to get around to our needs. We are to always make his priorities our priorities while he will never make our priorities his because ours are no where near as important as his. He can tell us what to do because lets face it we must be ordered around we may screw up. If he is abusive its all his mothers fault even though dad was the abuser. Men do not learn how to be men from men but from women. So therefore its again a woman's fault and not the mans faults. Men will only do for us once he is guaranteed sex in return he must always be rewarded for doing anything for us while we should never expect to be thanked for what we do for him. Men know how to make a mess but at the same time incapable of seeing the mess he left behind. So we must at all times point out the mess he made and ask him if he would take time out of his sports watching wife ignoring time to pick up after himself. Which would be simpler to just do it yourself because sports come first. We must tell him where to we want to go and when he takes us to his favorite restaurant we must be happy even though he is basically taking himself out and just allowing us to come along for the ride.
I do not think its disrespectful to ask him what he spent money on especially if we are making money also. Just because women have decided what to cook him for supper does not mean we never think about money issues. It doesn't mean we are incapable of making good decisions. If it affects us we should have the right to know where it is going. A woman who completely trusts her husband and has no right to know often gets hurt. I am sorry but not knowing where it goes does not protect the wife from the consequences. Studies prove that men are more impulsive spenders than women. Women have proven that they are capable of making good decisions. If you actually think your wife is intelligent why do you only allow her to make mundane decisions like what to cook for supper while you make all the important decisions.
Sex may be important but it is not THE MOST important thing in the marriage. If you aren't getting enough I can guarantee you that something else besides that is wrong with your marriage. Sex does not solve problems it ignores problems. Its like chocolate you will not have a better opinion of yourself after eating chocolate. Its a lie we tell ourselves. I think both parties are equally at fault for marriage problems. If someone cheats it solely their fault not the other person. The other person only holds blame for their own failures in the marriage not the blame for the others inconsiderate mistakes. Cheating is completely selfish and inconsiderate.

[Chelsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was picked up by my husband at the library while I was quickly picking out a bunch of books. He gave it to me as a joke. I think he was disappointed when I said, "oh sure I'll read that too." What I learned real quick as I was reading is that I have an amazing husband. He is not an atypical male which I am grateful for because it makes it easy for me to understand him. I did learn a few things about relationships in general and found that I need to rethink the way I am interacting with my 10 year old son...he is all boy and so different than his Dad (at least as a ten year old). I also think it gave me a better perspective on the males species in general which in turn can help me with other male relationships that I care about like my brothers and brotherinlaws etc. By the way, this book is all about things you can do that help affect the way others act and gives examples of why men think the way they do. I think that is a fun philosophy especially for those that like being in control. The other thing I liked about this book is that it explains some of the differences of why men do the things they do w/out putting a negative light on it. I think this book would be very enlightening to many people and probably a great book to read before you get married. :)

[Randy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes marital relations are complicated, and sometimes they are not.

If you need to get into what I call the tertiary psychological B.S. level, this isn't for you.

If you are a basically normal person with a normal level of neuroses and baggage, and if your significant other is likewise, and if things aren't so hot between you, try this one.

It boils men down into the simple creatures we are. It helps their women change their behavior, mostly by treating them as if they are men.

Step One: discard your unreasonable expectations. He is not your girlfriend. He is not a mind reader. He is not a knight in shining armor. He is a man, one who wants to please you.

Step Two: give him what he needs. It's not what you need, it's what he needs.

Step Three: be firm, be consistent, reward him when he does well, correct him when he does not.

It's a lot like Cesar Millan, but with very proper modifications for homo sapiens.

As a guy, it rings very true. I'm oversimplifying the book, but the book is a bit of an oversimplification too. But, sometimes marital relations are not complicated.

I wish Leman spent more time on the communication aspects of a relationship. Men and women should share information with each other, and give each other feedback... Leman would say men are incapable of this; what he may mean is men and women have different vocabularies, and women have as much trouble understanding men's as vice versa.

[Dawn Trlak-Donahue · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disclaimer-I intended to order the book 'Have a New Teenager by Friday' from this author from our library. (The author was on tv discussing the book and I have a teenage daughter that sometimes brings me to the end of my rope. )I accidentally ordered this book and decided to read it-after having a good laugh about it with my husband and leaving it out for him to see daily.... ;>).

While I don't doubt that some of his techniques might make for harmony-I feel like it comes at the expense of the wife and her needs/wants. I do agree that the things he lists as what men want in a relationship are probably true...however, the compromise, in the author's opinion comes almost entirely from the wife.

[Clare · Rating 3 out of 5]

Did you know men like sex?
And are oblivious to new haircuts?

Yes, I knew that too.

I get that men and women are different but this seemed turn a pamphlet into a book.

The key to having a new husband by Friday is to be a better wife.

Rules
Don’t treat your husband like your girlfriend.
Never ask why. It destroys a man’s trust.
Avoid using terms like Always and Never. (Yes, I do get the irony of #3 contradicting #2.)
If you notice for a guy to notice something, you’ll be waiting a long time.
Learn to respond, not to react.
Have lots of sex.

While I loved Leman’s The Birth Order Book, the more I read of Leman, the less I like him.

[Patty · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had a lot of good advice for women who want to change their relationship with their husbands. My only beef with it is that the author seems to take for granted that every man is the same simple minded hormone driven creature (I'm sure that's not how he meant it... but that's how it came across.) Although I like a lot of his ideas it felt like he was giving men a free ride to just "be men" while having women do most of the changing- in the way we relate, communicate, act, etc. I'm not saying that we couldn't use some of his advice, just that men should be expected to reach beyond what comes naturally to them also.

[Shelleyrae at Book'd Out · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to agree with another reader - the title should be something like "How to Be a Better Wife" and while it raises some valid points - yes men like sex and probably want more than you are giving him, it is very simplistic in its outlook and I'm not sure it gives men quite enough credit, men are largely reduced to stereotypes. It also puts almost the entire onus for the emotional health of the marriage on the wife and while I whole heartedly believe in supporting and respecting my husband I do expect the same in return.
It makes interesting reading, another way to look at your relationship but I wouldn't take it too seriously.

[Sheree Thomson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found this book encouraging and very practical. If you are interested in keeping your pride more than you are in improving your marriage, don't read this book.

Leman puts forward how the male mind works in contrast to us (females) and explains with humor everything from how sex to respect is so extremely important to men and how to "speak man" so that he will hear us!

It's a great read but sobering also. Be prepared to look at yourself as much as you try to figure out your husband.

[Regina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read Dr. Leman before, and love his humorous and gentle way of teaching. Of course, getting a new husband has nothing to do with changing our men, but in changing OURSELVES and how we treat our husbands. I've noticed a difference already and need to read books like this occassionally to be inspired to be a better wife. That role of mine so often gets put on the back burner and that's a real shame. But I'm inspired to do better now and recommend this book to ALL WIVES and wives to be.

[Lynne Modranski · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dr. Kevin Leman would have me believe that all men are "dumber than mud." I just don't buy it! I will concede that women should not expect men to be mind readers and that men and women are wired differently, so women shouldn't expect a man to act like her girlfriend. However, I believe that men are intelligent creatures uniquely designed by the Author of Life. You may not be created to be multi-taskers, but you are intelligent enough to know that if the garbage needs taken out, it's perfectly acceptable to do it. Dr. Leman would like it to be a women's responsibility to tell her husband every little thing that needs done. His premise is that if I expect less from a man, he'll change.

I think the book is a good read for women, because there are so many of my gender who don't understand that a man is very different from a woman. Dr. Leman does present an accurate appraisal of many of the differences. However, the good Dr. would like me to show men more respect and assume they aren't smart enough to know to pick their socks off the floor.

Men do deserve more respect. Women need to quit nagging and complaining. They need to understand we are created by God to be different, to complement one another and not expect a man to act in a way that a man just wasn't created to act. My fellow females have a responsibility to treat men, and in particular the one she's chosen to be with the rest of her life, with total respect, not some kind of "I'll humor you to make you think you are respected" kind of attitude. I believe that treating any person with more respect will go a long way in helping them live up to their potential.

But gentlemen, if you think I, or any other woman worth having, will buy the "dumber than mud" philosophy of Dr. Leman's book, you're going to have serious problems finding the girl of your dreams. The ones worth having, the ladies who will respect you and not usurp your authority, these gals will expect you to live up to the respect they are willing to give. They won't mind asking you to do something or even reminding you if you ask, but they don't want to marry to have another child around the house, they want a man, a partner whose helpmate they can be, they want a strong, chivalrous leader, not a knave.

Oh, and if anyone thinks that's impossible, you might find it interesting to note, I've married a keeper and know quite a few who would never accept the "dumber than mud" description.

[Monika · Rating 2 out of 5]

Final review: Well, as a First Reads win, this book was a fun read. it wasn't a "change him" book, but moreso a book about helping your relationship grow, and how to grow together as a couple. You really need to take this book lightly though, because the author is very blunt about a lot of things, and others just have you rolling your eyes, but the book as a whole was decent. See below for comments as i updated.

edit:there are alot of things in this book that could have been put into a whole nother book....if i had bought this, i'd be kinda pissed that i paid money for a book that like 1/2 of it doesnt apply to me at all.....it's meant towards the women who are beaten, violated, used, etc by their husbands in the extremest ways...

edit:i gotta admit, i really like his book. yes, the author is exxagetative and blunt to make a point about men, and calls us girls out, but its all relevant, and its all those little things that we do that overtime build up into bad aspects of a relationship. this book is a refresher on how to be a good partner to each other, how to help each other out, how to respect and listen to each other, and above all, have an amazing time, marriage, and life together. The one thing that annoys me though, is all the "letters" to the author throughout the book. I find them unneccesary especially because the author goes much more into the detail of the story in later paragraphs, or even chapters. Can't wait to see what else there is in the book, and help my relationship get even better!


edit: got this book in last night and began it immediately...and whoa. this author is histerical, and basically putting all the work on the women to change....it's one of those: this is how guys are, deal with it kind of books...yet i couldn't put it down. i was reading things aloud to my husband last night and he was cracking up going "this guy knows what he's talking about" (figures...) i'm definitely going to test out some of these suggestions though, i mean, there's nowhere to go but up, and make my relationship even better than it is..definitely worth reading!!!



edit: still have not recieved


wow. just won this book from goodreads. great timing too! read some reviews and i really think i'll like this book bc what im getting is that it's not just about making him change, its changing together....cant wait to receive it!

[Kellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a book I wish I could have taken a month to read. (because it was due back at the library I read it in 2 days). All of it to me was common sense. Of course you should do all these wonderful things to help your husband feel needed, respected, and fulfilled. BUT when I'm reading about it, I do it. It's so much easier, and it had some great ideas. If only I could remember this stuff for a week or two longer...

I would highly recommend it to anyone who's married.
As I read about when divorce is needed, I thought this book wasn't for me, but later realized some women might not know they really should get out of their marriage, and if he didn't put that in there they could really be in trouble. Even if it's just staying with a man who doesn't want to try anymore, or who constantly cheats, lies etc.

[Monica Albright · Rating 3 out of 5]

You are not going to change anyone except yourself. Which is a good thing. Just know that your husband will not turn into someone else. I recommend this to anyone who is even the slightest bit annoyed with their spouse. There are helpful hints and most of it is just common sense. Think about your actions and words.
This book does NOT have the helpful reference section like the "kid" version of this, but it isn't needed.

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this book twice; most recently finishing it earlier this month (Jan. 2012). You've got to know how to take something with a grain of salt in order to get the message here but it's well worth it. It has been very helpful to me in understanding what my husband needs from me and has made a difference in how I approach him and how I respond to him. In turn, our relationship has improved immensely. Highly recommended!

[Colleen Wainwright · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be fair, I did not start with a husband. In fact, I may be done with husbands altogether—the jury's still out on that one. But if I ever get one, and the stuff in this book is what I need to do to keep him, I'm not going to have him for long. [Read for free on my Kindle. Because...because...oh, some things are destined to remain mysteries wrapped in enigmas, only to be revealed in the cozy confines of a shrink's office.]

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Got this book to share with a friend, but decided to read it myself first. So many great points on how women totally don't understand their husbands. A great read if you want to understand the men in your life better.

[Jeannie Mineer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a horrible name for a book. It's basically explaining the communication barrier we have as males and females. Very good insight. It doesn't tell you to change them, it tells them to change YOU. Very good.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like the author's style and voice, sense of humor. Confirms many things I've learned but wondered if my husband was the only one....? I'd like to read more of his books. Gives a very positive outlook, Christian outlook on one's commitment to marriage.

[Janice · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoy Dr. Leman's books, and this was no exception. He has such a fun, casual way of writing that it is such a quick read and very entertaining. Good ideas to help strengthen even healthy relationships.

[Brent Hudson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm hypersensitive to manipulation and I felt this book was full of it. . .and by "full of it", I mean exactly that. Some good tips, but overall, it is a book on how to manipulate your spouse to act in the way you want them to. I didn't feel a lot of love reading this book.

[Kay Webb · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did not read it for a long time due to to the title... however the book is great and it focuses on what needs changed IN BOTH OF YOU to make things better.

[Lyndsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dr. Leman has a great style and this had a lot of great reminders in it. Good read!

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really, so far, nothing I didn't already know about my husband...lol. Maybe just motivation to think more about loving him better no matter how irritated I can become at him. :-)

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just LOVE Kevin Leman's sound advice. He makes everything so simple. It's great having advice form a guy on how to handle guys.

[Fae · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was loaned to me as a joke and that's exactly how I read it. I could go on and on about the misconceptions and assumptions that rubbed me the wrong way, but instead I'll leave you with a story taken nearly word-for-word from the pages of this book (my corrections in square brackets):
"Take a hard-working UPS driver I know. He delivered packages 12 hours a day to provide for his wife and three children. When he walked down the aisle to say 'I do,' he was deeply in love with his wife, but something went wrong. When they came to see me in my office, it was clear the wife was not happy with her husband. She felt like all he wanted was sex, and she didn't feel like delivering three times a week. With three kids, she didn't have time to pay him that kind of attention--or any attention, for that matter.*
"One day the [gutless degenerate] met someone on his UPS route. The woman he handed the package to was friendly and complimentary. She had an at-home business, so he delivered to her frequently. It wasn't long before he was checking the route sheet and hoping she had a package to be delivered so that he could talk to her again. Thus man was like a dog starving for love and attention.**
"Within six months, that [scumbag] was having an affair with the woman customer. Why? Because she listened to him, touched him, complimented him, and [he was an inconsiderate dotard]... This is what he said: 'it wasn't the sex. It was simply that I found someone who was interested in what I had to say. She listened to me. I felt she understood me. And I felt needed for the first times in 15 years of marriage [which I've now just thrown away because I wanted to upgrade to a newer model]. I felt appreciated. I was dying inside because I just needed to be needed...'
"'Dr. Leman,' you're saying,'are you excusing this [feckless degenerate]'s behaviour? I mean, he had an affair on his wife!'
"No, I'm not excusing his behaviour.*** everyone has choices, and that [cave-dwelling troll] made a devastating one. Now he and his family have to live with the consequences. But I am explaining his behaviour and why the affair happened in the first place. To stay in a marriage, a man needs to know he is understood, listened to, respected, and needed. He needs to feel appreciated.**** For a man, marital satisfaction has a lot to do with how sexually satisfied he is.


* And why should she? Perhaps if he showed her ANY consideration at all and perhaps hired a sitter or planned a date night or, heaven forbid, helped out with the parental duties of caring for his THREE children or pulled his weight around the house a bit, his wife might be a bit more responsive and/or attentive. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.
** I feel the term 'dog' is an apt one in describing what type of man this "hard-working UPS driver" truly is.
*** Actually, you totally are.
**** It's a two-way street, bub: To stay in a marriage, a WOMAN needs to know she is understood, listened to, respected, and needed. SHE needs to feel appreciated.

[Cindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book would have helped my first marriage, but I found very little to apply to my current not-in-trouble-or-even-close marriage. My husband is the gentle, thoughtful, chivalrous man that this author claims doesn't exist. Seeing this conflicting idea from the first chapter, it was hard to find strategies to strengthen my marriage within the pages of this book.

A few things I took away from this book: respect your husband, make an effort or pursue him, communicate in his love language (there's a whole book about love languages by a different author that was a great help to me), let him handle things in his own time without constant nagging, and don't undermine his attempts to help by criticizing how he does it. These are things I can work on. But I will continue to "share my feelings" with my husband, and I will not use sex to manipulate... ahem, motivate...him to be the husband I want. (He already is anyway.)

This is a dated book (and at 2009!) that does not take into account that, for better or worse, the rigid gender mold has been broken. The men of the new generations have been taught to understand a female in ways their fathers would have been uncomfortable with. This author warns against raising your sons in such a manner and claims that it robs them of their masculinity. However, I am reaping the benefits of a well-raised man who is masculine AND emotionally mature. Species evolve, buddy.

[Lisa]

I don’t even know what to rate this so I won’t. Part of me would give it a 1 for the “advice” but then the other part of me would give it a “5” for making me laugh so hard. First chapter is okay. Second chapter had me rolling by the end. When my husband came home I made him listen to part of it and we died laughing together. He knows I like to read marriage books sometimes (he won’t read them but I sometimes find a good one that I like) and because we have a great marriage most of the time he was laughing and said, “you didn’t pay for this dribble, did you?” As if! Library overdrive of course! But we laughed so hard by the end of chapter 3 that now we have new jokes with each other based on the book’s “advice” lol. So for that, maybe we’ll actually listen to a few more chapters if we ever need a laugh again. But we’ll probably stick to watching Jim Gaffigan for that instead. Maybe the remaining chapters are full of good info, but I can’t even imagine.

[Mollie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not much different than John Gray's philosophy on how men and women are very different. I did like the stories that Dr. Leman tells, but it is a book written in the simplest language. Essentially, the WIFE can change so that the HUSBAND responds differently. Yes, it works. His ideas do function. HOWEVER, as with the "Men Are From Mars..." books, the male authors are providing excuses for the behavior of men. Why must women always be the ones to trick the man into changing? A man who is motivated to grow, and does not want to be treated like the idiots they are portrayed to be, can change too. If you think your husband is so clueless that you can't even talk about the issues in your marriage, do what Dr. Leman says. I think a healthy combo of his little tricks and adult conversation about your needs/wants/desires/expectations is the most respectful way to go.

[RedRabbit13 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Удивительно читать книгу, будучи женой и прекрасно ощущать себя как тот самый муж)))

Понравилось, как показаны разные фокусы внимания мужа и жены, особенно на бытовые хлопоты. Это многое объясняет. Даны рекомендации, Что с этим делать. А чего нет. Также зацепило, что разобраны щекотливые темы и почему, вроде как «женщина снова должна первой замотивировать, похвалить, ободрить..» С аргументами.

Вообще попробовать сместить свой фокус внимания с поиска недостатков на замечание удачных моментов и дел в любом возрасте и поле работает. Так просто и так сложно одновременно)))

В период склок, неурядиц в жизни, всяких там карантинов- очень рекомендую. Книга о том, чтобы быть внимательнее и уважительнее к другу, особенно к главному из них, которому вы когда-то сказали «да» ;)