What do you think?
Rate this book
The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight
Nobody likes conflict, but you can't avoid it. Top performers just like you face problems every day. If you know how to deal with conflict well, you can turn it into your biggest opportunity for success.
The Top Performer's Guide to Conflict is your essential conflict handbook, giving you the tools you need to manage conflict and come out on top. Discover:
--Why you must know how to handle conflict
--How to recognize conflict before it happens
--The best ways to deal with difficult people
--How to build strength by overcoming problems
--Secrets to impacting and leading others
--Tools to guide you past conflict
Top performers face conflict head-on and come out on top. You are just a short read away from mastering this essential skill.
The Top Performer's Guide to Conflict is your essential conflict handbook, giving you the tools you need to manage conflict and come out on top. Discover:
--Why you must know how to handle conflict
--How to recognize conflict before it happens
--The best ways to deal with difficult people
--How to build strength by overcoming problems
--Secrets to impacting and leading others
--Tools to guide you past conflict
Top performers face conflict head-on and come out on top. You are just a short read away from mastering this essential skill.
306 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2003
44 people are currently reading
193 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
January 13, 2022
An okay self-help book on conflict, that didn't translate well to audio.
November 10, 2025
Many practical tips on conflict resolution, but not as insightful as I expected. I didn't realize I had listened to the abridged version until after I had finished it. Maybe the unabridged version is better.
Notes
The Secret for Motivating Yourself to Face Conflict
If you avoid conflict, pain will just continue. If you engage person, there will be pain of conflict, but at least possibility of improving situation.
Think of reasons you're avoiding conflict (avoiding pain, seeking pleasure), then think of ways to overcome those reasons.
If you're afraid person might yell at you, think of how to handle it, such as telling them you'll come back when they can be more respectful.
There are times it's better to avoid confronting problematic person and seek an alternative solution (e.g., you could be physically harmed, you could be fired).
How to Make Conflict Less Frightening—Quickly
If you don't have self-control or discipline to stick with conflict, take step-by-step approach instead.
Dealing with fear of conflict
1. Examine situation and decide if it's appropriate to confront problem.
2. Decide whether to use step-by-step approach or "just do it" approach.
3. If you choose to "just do it," and it's safe, then do it.
4. Continue until conflict has resolved or your fear has significantly decreased.
5. If conflict gets too heated, agree with other person to take break. Set a time to calmly resume talks.
We'd Be Fine if They Weren't So Different!
If you're high in conscientiousness (C in DiSC), be more accepting of differences, realize your way isn't always the right way, take more time to build relationships, be more encouraging, be more flexible.
In conflict, people high in conscientiousness can take dramatic emotions out of discussion and focus on problem-solving.
Why People Only Think That They Are Angry (Often They're Not!)
Instead of saying, "I'm angry with you," or "I'm upset with you," say, "I feel hurt because of …" "I get afraid when you talk like that …" or "I'm frustrated by what's going on … ."
Understanding emotion behind anger
1. What was their primary emotion (hurt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, fear)?
2. How would it have affected your discussion if they had shared their primary emotion rather than anger?
3. What could you have said or done to help them understand their primary emotion?
When you talk to others, focus on your primary emotion rather than anger.
Five Ways to Listen and Why People Don't Use Them!
To figure out what listening style person wants you to use, ask what they need from you (e.g., enjoy story, give support, help organize thoughts, ask good questions, help make decision, help fix problem).
Four Communication Patterns to Use if You Want to Keep Fighting
When you're getting angry, say, "I can feel myself getting too upset. I need some time to calm down so I can handle this well. This discussion is important to me, so I'll get back to you at X time to work through this with you."
Use eye-to-eye communication; be respectful, genuine, honest, vulnerable. If you communicate this way regardless of how other person communicates, eventually most people will become more respectful.
If Common Sense Is So Common, Then Why Don't They Have It?
People who are bullied often invite bullying because something in their demeanor and attitude says, "I deserve to be treated badly." Improving demeanor and attitude can deter bullying. Expect people to treat you with dignity and respect, as you treat them.
Discussing Wants, Fairness and Integrity
Determining fairness
• If my best friend were in this situation, what rights would I give them?
• If I were in other person's shoes, what would I want?
• Is there a solution that gives everyone what they want? If not, what's the closest solution?
Discussing wants in conflict
1. Respectfully share what you want (thoughts, feelings, desires).
2. Try to understand other person's perspective. Summarize what you think they want or are saying. Continue until you understand each other. Discuss possible compromises.
3. Ask yourself, "To be the person I want to be, what do I need to do? What's most important here: fairness or integrity?"
4. Tell other person your decision. If other person disagrees, to go mediator.
Assertiveness, Coward Style
Give assertive responses: direct, given to right person, honest, done at appropriate place and time, respectful. Balance your needs and other person's needs.
Avoiding the Top 10 Mistakes Made When Dealing with Upset People
When someone is upset with you, don't be quiet and calm; that could make other person think you don't understand how upsetting situation is to them. Instead, match their intensity/volume/rate without matching aggression, then slowly decrease intensity.
Put energy into understanding, not disagreeing. Try not to agree or disagree until you understand what upset person is saying. If you're not sure, ask questions until you're sure you understand.
If there's a mismatch between verbal and non-verbal communication, people will most likely believe most negative message. If you're getting mixed messages, ask person to give you one message rather than two.
Summarize upset person's perspective on what's upsetting to them until they feel understood.
Choose something you genuinely agree with person about (even if it's only 1% of what they said), and show you agree with them 100% about it (intensely). That can make them more reasonable in hearing what you disagree with them about.
Dealing with upset or difficult person
1. Calm and control your own reaction.
2. Focus on understanding, not building your case.
3. Carefully match intensity without matching aggression. Slowly decrease intensity.
4. Show self-respect and confidence; don't pacify.
5. Ensure your verbal and non-verbal communication is consistent.
6. Listen in way they want you to hear.
7. Focus on main issue(s); ignore insignificant details.
8. Reflect verbally and non-verbally so they know you understand them. Summarize their message even if you disagree. Ask if your summary is accurate; if not, ask clarifying questions until it is.
9. Choose something you genuinely agree with person about (even if it's only 1% of what they said), and show you agree with them 100% about it (intensely).
10. Don't undermine your agreement by using word "but" after it; if you must use "but," use it before agreement.
If you want to defuse person, stop. If you want to share your feelings or work on compromise, continue.
11. Share your feelings and thoughts (e.g., "I feel [emotion] when [behavior].").
12. Return to other person's feelings and where you agree.
13. Discuss next steps (compromise, apology, etc.).
The Lesson of the Swaying Trees: Embracing Conflict
When you fight your fear of conflict, you must deal with that as well as conflict itself. Instead, embrace your fear as simply fear, then put energy into dealing with conflict.
Putting It All Together: A Step-by-Step Approach for Dealing with Conflict
Work out conflict on your own (without confronting other person)
1. Determine source of conflict.
2. Analyze your reaction.
3. See if you can let go of issue, or if you need to vent frustration. If venting is needed, use a technique below.
Venting
• Write letter to other person, but don't give it to them.
• Work out emotion through exercise. Tell yourself, "I'm releasing frustration," or "I refuse to hold onto frustration."
• Pretend other person is sitting in chair in front of you, and speak to them.
• After a bad interaction with person, or after thinking about problem, physically wash yourself, thinking, "I refuse to carry around that person's garbage."
• Use relaxation techniques to calm down.
• Have a forgiving attitude and move on with your life.
• Consider working with counselor.
Notes
The Secret for Motivating Yourself to Face Conflict
If you avoid conflict, pain will just continue. If you engage person, there will be pain of conflict, but at least possibility of improving situation.
Think of reasons you're avoiding conflict (avoiding pain, seeking pleasure), then think of ways to overcome those reasons.
If you're afraid person might yell at you, think of how to handle it, such as telling them you'll come back when they can be more respectful.
There are times it's better to avoid confronting problematic person and seek an alternative solution (e.g., you could be physically harmed, you could be fired).
How to Make Conflict Less Frightening—Quickly
If you don't have self-control or discipline to stick with conflict, take step-by-step approach instead.
Dealing with fear of conflict
1. Examine situation and decide if it's appropriate to confront problem.
2. Decide whether to use step-by-step approach or "just do it" approach.
3. If you choose to "just do it," and it's safe, then do it.
4. Continue until conflict has resolved or your fear has significantly decreased.
5. If conflict gets too heated, agree with other person to take break. Set a time to calmly resume talks.
We'd Be Fine if They Weren't So Different!
If you're high in conscientiousness (C in DiSC), be more accepting of differences, realize your way isn't always the right way, take more time to build relationships, be more encouraging, be more flexible.
In conflict, people high in conscientiousness can take dramatic emotions out of discussion and focus on problem-solving.
Why People Only Think That They Are Angry (Often They're Not!)
Instead of saying, "I'm angry with you," or "I'm upset with you," say, "I feel hurt because of …" "I get afraid when you talk like that …" or "I'm frustrated by what's going on … ."
Understanding emotion behind anger
1. What was their primary emotion (hurt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, fear)?
2. How would it have affected your discussion if they had shared their primary emotion rather than anger?
3. What could you have said or done to help them understand their primary emotion?
When you talk to others, focus on your primary emotion rather than anger.
Five Ways to Listen and Why People Don't Use Them!
To figure out what listening style person wants you to use, ask what they need from you (e.g., enjoy story, give support, help organize thoughts, ask good questions, help make decision, help fix problem).
Four Communication Patterns to Use if You Want to Keep Fighting
When you're getting angry, say, "I can feel myself getting too upset. I need some time to calm down so I can handle this well. This discussion is important to me, so I'll get back to you at X time to work through this with you."
Use eye-to-eye communication; be respectful, genuine, honest, vulnerable. If you communicate this way regardless of how other person communicates, eventually most people will become more respectful.
If Common Sense Is So Common, Then Why Don't They Have It?
People who are bullied often invite bullying because something in their demeanor and attitude says, "I deserve to be treated badly." Improving demeanor and attitude can deter bullying. Expect people to treat you with dignity and respect, as you treat them.
Discussing Wants, Fairness and Integrity
Determining fairness
• If my best friend were in this situation, what rights would I give them?
• If I were in other person's shoes, what would I want?
• Is there a solution that gives everyone what they want? If not, what's the closest solution?
Discussing wants in conflict
1. Respectfully share what you want (thoughts, feelings, desires).
2. Try to understand other person's perspective. Summarize what you think they want or are saying. Continue until you understand each other. Discuss possible compromises.
3. Ask yourself, "To be the person I want to be, what do I need to do? What's most important here: fairness or integrity?"
4. Tell other person your decision. If other person disagrees, to go mediator.
Assertiveness, Coward Style
Give assertive responses: direct, given to right person, honest, done at appropriate place and time, respectful. Balance your needs and other person's needs.
Avoiding the Top 10 Mistakes Made When Dealing with Upset People
When someone is upset with you, don't be quiet and calm; that could make other person think you don't understand how upsetting situation is to them. Instead, match their intensity/volume/rate without matching aggression, then slowly decrease intensity.
Put energy into understanding, not disagreeing. Try not to agree or disagree until you understand what upset person is saying. If you're not sure, ask questions until you're sure you understand.
If there's a mismatch between verbal and non-verbal communication, people will most likely believe most negative message. If you're getting mixed messages, ask person to give you one message rather than two.
Summarize upset person's perspective on what's upsetting to them until they feel understood.
Choose something you genuinely agree with person about (even if it's only 1% of what they said), and show you agree with them 100% about it (intensely). That can make them more reasonable in hearing what you disagree with them about.
Dealing with upset or difficult person
1. Calm and control your own reaction.
2. Focus on understanding, not building your case.
3. Carefully match intensity without matching aggression. Slowly decrease intensity.
4. Show self-respect and confidence; don't pacify.
5. Ensure your verbal and non-verbal communication is consistent.
6. Listen in way they want you to hear.
7. Focus on main issue(s); ignore insignificant details.
8. Reflect verbally and non-verbally so they know you understand them. Summarize their message even if you disagree. Ask if your summary is accurate; if not, ask clarifying questions until it is.
9. Choose something you genuinely agree with person about (even if it's only 1% of what they said), and show you agree with them 100% about it (intensely).
10. Don't undermine your agreement by using word "but" after it; if you must use "but," use it before agreement.
If you want to defuse person, stop. If you want to share your feelings or work on compromise, continue.
11. Share your feelings and thoughts (e.g., "I feel [emotion] when [behavior].").
12. Return to other person's feelings and where you agree.
13. Discuss next steps (compromise, apology, etc.).
The Lesson of the Swaying Trees: Embracing Conflict
When you fight your fear of conflict, you must deal with that as well as conflict itself. Instead, embrace your fear as simply fear, then put energy into dealing with conflict.
Putting It All Together: A Step-by-Step Approach for Dealing with Conflict
Work out conflict on your own (without confronting other person)
1. Determine source of conflict.
2. Analyze your reaction.
3. See if you can let go of issue, or if you need to vent frustration. If venting is needed, use a technique below.
Venting
• Write letter to other person, but don't give it to them.
• Work out emotion through exercise. Tell yourself, "I'm releasing frustration," or "I refuse to hold onto frustration."
• Pretend other person is sitting in chair in front of you, and speak to them.
• After a bad interaction with person, or after thinking about problem, physically wash yourself, thinking, "I refuse to carry around that person's garbage."
• Use relaxation techniques to calm down.
• Have a forgiving attitude and move on with your life.
• Consider working with counselor.
January 8, 2015
I really dislike conflict, but sometimes it cannot be avoided. So when I saw this book in my local library, I thought it might be worth a read. The book promotes the idea that, if you know how to deal with conflict well, you can turn it into your biggest opportunity for success. The Coward’s Guide to Conflict by Tim Ursiny, PhD, offers the reader the tools they may need to manage conflict successfully. It covers topics including why you must know how to handle conflict and, perhaps more importantly, how to recognize conflict before it happens.
I found the chapters on the best ways to deal with difficult people and how to build strength by overcoming problems particularly insightful. Although if you are running a business, chapters about impacting and leading others and the tools to guide you past conflict are also useful. Indeed, contrary to the title, this book about conflict has, I believe, value for almost everyone. Ursiny presents a readily accessible framework for assessing and responding to the range of situations that can be viewed as “conflict.”
Dr. Tim Ursiny is the founder of Advantage Coaching & Training. He trains and coaches peoples and groups in areas including stress management, conflict resolution, dealing with change and building customer loyalty. He is an American author of several books including “The Confidence Plan,” “Tough Times Tactics” and “The Top Performer’s Guide to Attitude.” I liked this book so much and found it so useful that I am seriously considering buying myself a copy so that I can work through it and do all the exercises in my own time. The Coward’s Guide to Conflict is nicely written in an accessible style. Dr Ursiny offers good examples of the theories he talks about. I would thoroughly recommend this book to anyone who has difficulty dealing with conflict and wishes they could do so more constructively.
I found the chapters on the best ways to deal with difficult people and how to build strength by overcoming problems particularly insightful. Although if you are running a business, chapters about impacting and leading others and the tools to guide you past conflict are also useful. Indeed, contrary to the title, this book about conflict has, I believe, value for almost everyone. Ursiny presents a readily accessible framework for assessing and responding to the range of situations that can be viewed as “conflict.”
Dr. Tim Ursiny is the founder of Advantage Coaching & Training. He trains and coaches peoples and groups in areas including stress management, conflict resolution, dealing with change and building customer loyalty. He is an American author of several books including “The Confidence Plan,” “Tough Times Tactics” and “The Top Performer’s Guide to Attitude.” I liked this book so much and found it so useful that I am seriously considering buying myself a copy so that I can work through it and do all the exercises in my own time. The Coward’s Guide to Conflict is nicely written in an accessible style. Dr Ursiny offers good examples of the theories he talks about. I would thoroughly recommend this book to anyone who has difficulty dealing with conflict and wishes they could do so more constructively.
February 4, 2013
I almost didn't listen to this book after discovering the only available audio version was abridged. But I figured it'd be better to get a little good information on facing conflict than none at all. Except for as valuable as this information was ... it might as well have been none at all. I don't know if the information felt so useless because it was abridged down to the most basic pieces, or whether the full version would have been equally useless (but more time consuming).
Maybe I'm being unfair, as someone whose gone through professional therapy and significant self-development. But all the tips just seemed really common sense. And while the approach was compassionate, it really irritated me how he "apologized" any time he brought psychological terms into the conversation. Seriously, psychology has given us SO much, and if you're a therapist who feels the need to apologize for it ... then wow, you really are afraid of standing up for something.
I don't have much else to say about this, because honestly, I read it a couple weeks ago now, and it just wasn't memorable.
Maybe I'm being unfair, as someone whose gone through professional therapy and significant self-development. But all the tips just seemed really common sense. And while the approach was compassionate, it really irritated me how he "apologized" any time he brought psychological terms into the conversation. Seriously, psychology has given us SO much, and if you're a therapist who feels the need to apologize for it ... then wow, you really are afraid of standing up for something.
I don't have much else to say about this, because honestly, I read it a couple weeks ago now, and it just wasn't memorable.
September 7, 2011
This book is worth buying for one chapter - "The Lesson of the Swaying Trees - Embracing Conflict." It's written with a passion that comes from breaking through fear to acceptance. Accepting that a problem or fear is bigger than your ability to deal with it - that you might just be helpless in the face of some parts of life - removes the stress. Acceptance allows you to go with it rather than fight it - like tree branches swaying in the wind.
June 26, 2017
A great starting point for anyone wanting to be more effectual in conflict situations. Love the exercises that when done really drive ideas home.
September 10, 2017
Some conflict could've made this book more exciting.
November 21, 2019
O livro tem como mérito a tentativa de classificar as situações de conflitos em 7 grandes tipos os quais o autor define como as principais maneiras de lidar com conflitos. A partir delas o autor estuda como superar estes conflitos.
No entanto, sua apresentação com inúmeros exercícios após cada capítulo é inadequada para uma versão digital. Eu, particularmente, não aprecio livros que me obriguem a tarefas após cada capítulo, ainda mais se estou lendo em um versão digital, mas isto é uma opinião pessoal, outras pessoas podem gostar.
O autor escreveu o livro visando as pessoas que odeiam conflitos, as quais ele adjetiva como covardes perante um conflito, sua pretensão como especialista em conflitos é tornar os conflitos menos apavorantes para estas pessoas.
Por outro lado não fiquei convencido de que as sete maneiras apresentadas: Evitar, Desistir, Ser passivo agressivo, Pressionar a outra parte (Bulling), Compromissar, Solução de Problemas e Honrar a outra parte, seja realmente a melhor classificação de conflitos. Pareceu-me muito reducionista e isto me impediu de continuar a leitura no ritmo que eu estava imprimindo, portanto, esta é uma avaliação parcial, pois ainda não cheguei ao final do livro e assim, mesmo contando com a possibilidade de mudar minha opinião, decidi emitir de imediato minhas impressões iniciais.
No entanto, sua apresentação com inúmeros exercícios após cada capítulo é inadequada para uma versão digital. Eu, particularmente, não aprecio livros que me obriguem a tarefas após cada capítulo, ainda mais se estou lendo em um versão digital, mas isto é uma opinião pessoal, outras pessoas podem gostar.
O autor escreveu o livro visando as pessoas que odeiam conflitos, as quais ele adjetiva como covardes perante um conflito, sua pretensão como especialista em conflitos é tornar os conflitos menos apavorantes para estas pessoas.
Por outro lado não fiquei convencido de que as sete maneiras apresentadas: Evitar, Desistir, Ser passivo agressivo, Pressionar a outra parte (Bulling), Compromissar, Solução de Problemas e Honrar a outra parte, seja realmente a melhor classificação de conflitos. Pareceu-me muito reducionista e isto me impediu de continuar a leitura no ritmo que eu estava imprimindo, portanto, esta é uma avaliação parcial, pois ainda não cheguei ao final do livro e assim, mesmo contando com a possibilidade de mudar minha opinião, decidi emitir de imediato minhas impressões iniciais.
December 19, 2025
Very small book but packed with some good advice. I personally would consider myself a conflict coward - and I think there were a lot of practical tips found here. Mainly about regulating self-talk, as conflict has the ability to impact our view of ourselves as well as those we're in conflict with. Another highlight was the different listening styles, and also the reality that not all conflict is resolvable due to the nature of people.
Read
January 10, 2023Insane conclusion
November 5, 2017
This book actually had some great nuggets and takeaways. Simple, but profound messages, and something I really appreciated - Ursiny offered additional information without being self-promoting. I also liked that Ursiny admits that he was a conflict coward and shares the roots of it. I audiobooked this one, which was a mistake. It really needs to be done manually so you can take some self-assessment tests and really think about where you are and where you can improve. This was a really insightful read.
Note to the editor: You could have done a better job. There were several misplaced modifiers and a few problems with subject/verb agreement. I don't expect the author to be an expert, but I expect better from an editor.
Note to the editor: You could have done a better job. There were several misplaced modifiers and a few problems with subject/verb agreement. I don't expect the author to be an expert, but I expect better from an editor.
January 30, 2008
I have this weekness which is (not being afraid of conflict, although, admittedly, I'm no fan of it) that I often tend to read books that are immediately available to me and that I am easily duped into reading a book based on an unusual title. Thus, I read Coward's Guide to Conflict.
This kind of book really isn't my cup of tea. I much prefer to keep my blinders on and avoid any introspection whatsoever. I like to live by the philosophy of, "I'm okay, I'm okay". (If any of you are not laughing along with my little joke, then keep your opinions to yourself, eh. I would like to avoid any outside criticism or unwanted insights into my psyche.)
This kind of book really isn't my cup of tea. I much prefer to keep my blinders on and avoid any introspection whatsoever. I like to live by the philosophy of, "I'm okay, I'm okay". (If any of you are not laughing along with my little joke, then keep your opinions to yourself, eh. I would like to avoid any outside criticism or unwanted insights into my psyche.)
November 12, 2015
I admit it. I am a conflict coward. I am afraid to hurt others and to get yelled at. This book has changed my life. I am still afraid, but this book is thorough in it's techniques in how to overcome the fear of conflict. It tells you when and why you should engage in conflict. It tells you how to have the hard discussions, respectfully and compassionately. The book provides step by step instructions and many examples on how to engage in a healthy discussion.
November 5, 2009
Contrary to the title, this book about conflict strikes me as having value for almost everyone. Ursiny presents a readily accessible framework for assessing and responding to the range of situations that present themselves as "conflict." Could be particularly useful for older teens, young twenties, as well as those of us in the older age brackets who really ARE cowards about conflict!
June 13, 2020
I liked this enough that I'm seriously considering buying myself a copy of it so I can work through it and do all the exercises in my own time.
Nicely written, very accessible style, with good examples of any theory Mr Ursiny talks about. I'd thoroughly recommend it to anyone who has difficulty dealing with conflict and wishes they could do so more constructively
Nicely written, very accessible style, with good examples of any theory Mr Ursiny talks about. I'd thoroughly recommend it to anyone who has difficulty dealing with conflict and wishes they could do so more constructively
March 21, 2014
my boss bought this book for all of us in the management book club at the office. all of us in the group agreed, this book was very disappointing. I felt like he talked down to the reader, it was so odd how (as a counselor) he would apologize for using psychological terminology, and I didn't learn anything. we were all very frustrated how he seemed to contradict himself quite a few times.
October 25, 2014
I listened to the audio book. He gave some great advice and the narrations was very pleasant and even humorous at times. I especially liked the tips about listening styles and how using the wrong listening style can inadvertently lead to conflict. I will be listening to this book several times. Very worthwhile.
Want to read
July 20, 2010BUY IT NOW, weakling. Or, makes a perfect gift.
September 25, 2012
Easy read (Audiobook)
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews