Friendship at the Margins Discovering Mutuality in Service and Mission

by Christopher L. Heuertz

In our anonymous and dehumanized world, the simple practice of friendship is radically countercultural. But sometimes Christians inadvertently marginalize and objectify the very ones they most want to serve.

Chris Heuertz, international director of Word Made Flesh, and theologian and ethicist Christine Pohl show how friendship is a Christian vocation that can bring reconciliation and healing to our broken world. They contend that unlikely friendships are at the center of an alternative paradigm for mission, where people are not objectified as potential converts but encountered in a relationship of mutuality and reciprocity.

When we befriend those on the margins of society by practicing hospitality and welcome, we create communities where righteousness and justice can be lived out. Heuertz and Pohl's reflections offer fresh insight into Christian mission and what it means to be the church in the world today.

Genres: Theology, Christian, Faith, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Relationships, Social Justice

161 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 2010

About the author

Christopher L. Heuertz is an activist, author, visionary and public speaker, who has traveled with his wife, Phileena, through nearly seventy countries working with the most vulnerable of the world’s poor. Chris has led the Word Made Flesh community as the International Executive Director since 1996. He and Phileena reside in Omaha, Nebraska.

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heuertz and Pohl illuminate the possibilities and limitations of an approach to missions that revolves around reciprocal and self-giving friendships rather than one-way donor-recipient relationships.

As a leader in the missions organization Word Made Flesh (Heuertz) and an academic involved with a community of homeless people (Pohl), they write from the context of developing friendships with poor families. Many of their thoughts, though, can be applied to the cultivation of friendships with people on other margins - those of class, sexuality, mental and physical ability, and social acceptance. They encourage relationships in which a marginalized person is dignified by having friends who recognize his/her unique contributions to the friendship, understand his/her set of resources as valuable, and accept the gifts and hospitality he/she offers. I appreciated the comprehensiveness of the book: it did not shy away from the complications and ambiguities of friendships at the margins, nor did it pretend that those sorts of relationships alone can sustain us.

I marked all over the pages of this book. It's a slim volume, but it's a treasure trove of wisdom, stories, and solid theological reflection into practice. It reminded me that I have a long way to go and encouraged me to get going.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Friendship at the Margins is like the "amen" and "encore" of The Spirituality of Imperfection which I finished last week. It too accentuates the need for community, mutuality, and love. We are created to be in relationship, to model the relationship of God with us with others in our lives. Heuertz pushes on our views of who is neighbor and exhorts us to consider living at the margins with people from different societal groups than our own. When issues become people, and more importantly, friends who matter to us, we shall be more changed and more compelled to go forth and do God's work together to bring justice to the world.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ll recommend this book to everyone I know. It’s a unique, and honestly refreshing, view on how we should define and approach missions.

Friendship at the Margins challenges Christians to reorient the way that we define mission. The authors urge us to shift away from the “my job is to meet their needs” mindset, where there is a clear give and take, and instead challenge us to consider mutuality in friendships - where both people have needs and resources to bring to the table and we are not defined simply by our circumstances.

One of my favorite quotes tries to zero in on what the heart of our mission as believers should be. It says, “they were not the ‘converted fruits’ of our labor; they were friends we love, whatever their response to us”. Our role as believers is not to be saviors, He has already come. Our role is to be image bearers - by investing in authentic friendships with those at the margins of where we live.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christopher Heuertz and Christine Pohl are both voices I respect. Christine Pohl's Making Room is in my top ten all-time favorite reads. Chris Heuertz is always thoughtful on spirituality and mission. In this book, they explore the power of friendships at the margins (and other places too) in mission. By this, they don't mean a 'friendship evangelism' type thing where the friendship is a ruse to get close enough to someone to share the gospel. Instead, they talk about the hard work and the long haul of becoming friends with those on the margins (Heuertz referencing his work with Word Made Flesh, and Pohl discussing her work with Bread for the World and the Catholic Worker Movement, as well as her work as a Christian Social ethicist).

[Caleb Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

As Christians, we are called to form and seek relationships with many different people's, churches and groups. These relationships, as I saw throughout this book, can show us the deep love, power and care our Christ has for us. Within this book, Heuertz and Pohl explore how friendships on the margins can help transform our lives. Not only does it make us aware of suffering, but allows us to learn from those who often aren't listened too.

Although this book is very basic in its writing and form (less academic or theological) there is a deep truth behind the words and mediation of this book. We must seek friendships that are outside of our comfort zone and we must seek God's will in every single relationship we are within.

[Jonathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being a good friend can sometimes be hard. Being a good friend to those who are living on society's margins can be even harder. Those of us who grew up in relatively secure surroundings face difficult questions as we befriend our neighbors who live in poverty or have otherwise been marginalized by society. Close, mutual relationships with those who are homeless, have been the victims of exploitation, or are addicted to drugs and/or starting to exploit others themselves can force us to ask really difficult questions about what it means to be Christ-like in today's society.

But one thing is clear. Christ made friendships with marginalized people a focus of his life on Earth, and we can't say we are his disciples if we are not following in his footsteps. Pohl and Heuertz both have wrestled with these questions for years, and have the theological and practical experience to begin offering wisdom. What does real friendship and mutual service mean between someone who has all their needs met and someone who is struggling to survive? If we are volunteering for a church or working for an agency, how do we befriend those we work with in Christ, rather than treat them like "projects" to fulfill our organization's mission? How do we react when we begin realizing that some of the people we meet are both the victims of exploitation and the exploiters of others? How do we interact with wealthy donors and friends who may want to "help the poor" as well, but don't yet understand them as real people who are equally made in the image of God? And how do we think about or measure "success" when creating honest relationships with real people?

I think this book is most helpful for those who have been practically dealing with these questions already, and who now seek out the wisdom of those who have gone before and wrestled with God in these difficult areas. But anyone who has a heart for loving his neighbors will grow from this book. I am grateful to Pohl and Heuertz for writing it.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Christopher Heuretz, is the international director of Word Made Flesh. He joins Christine Pohl in reflections on how to befriend those on the margins by practicing hospitality and welcome. This book calls us to a radial reorientation from thinking of “causes” to thinking of people and a mirror to reflect on. This book is not about short term ministry to the poor and then walking away. It rather redefines ministry as the gift of friendship and the building the bridge of hospitality by living among the poor and marginalized and with them.

Very personal examples fill this small book. One of the most moving examples for me was the illustration on Isaiah 3:14-15

“The plunder from the poor is in your houses. What do you mean by crushing my people and grinding the faces of the poor”

Sujana, in Indian has earned less than $1 day to stitch the red button down shirt from the Gap store which our author purchased for $40. Sujana was overjoyed to see Christine wearing her product, but when she asked Christine how much it cost in the US, Christine was so moved she set up a Personal Retail Equality Tax, where she taxed herself 12 % of the price of an item and put it in the bank and at the end of the year she delivers it to Sujana's family. This is just one example of way we as Americans must rethink our very strong desire for possessions and the use of our money.

Other chapters dealt with rethinking those trapped in prostitution. Christine and Christopher volunteered in Mother Theresa's house for the dying, as well as with street children We are given examples of sharing a meal with others like Jesus who ate with the adversaries and outcasts in the community

Lets stop our short-term mission trips which sometimes engage in pictures of cute kids and deplorable slums, a travel voyeur and get to know each individual as real people and friends. We have become morally calloused. Don't miss this IVP book, it will invite others to thirst for life that is really life.

[Drick · Rating 5 out of 5]

For years I have sought to understand the spiritual attitude one must have in order to honestly befriend and work along side poor and oppressed people. This little book by Chris Huertz of Word Made Flesh (WMF) and Christina Pohl, seminary professor and author on Christian hospitality, provides a huge help in answering that question. Unlike most Christian mission organizations, WMF prioritizes developing authentic friendships with people at the margins of society (thus the title) over a cause or a program. Out of those relationships of mutual solidarity and suffering, they show what authentic incarnational ministry looks like. Written without a need to impress, this books relates numerous accounts of Christian folks coming alongside the poor of the world, and how they experience both blessing and burnout in the process. The book has a final chapter on the spirituality needed for this kind of work, and it pulls no punches in showing how easy it is to cross over a line of ethics or integrity when facing desperate conditions in others' lives that you feel powerless to change.

This book was loaned to me by a student, and it will be a book I will return to on many occassions as I continue to grapple with my own spirituality as it relates to my commitments and convictions to be a force for justice and liberation of the oppressed.

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heuertz and Pohl do a wonderful job collaborating on the tough issue of ministering to those we conventionally call "the least of these." By concentrating on equality and mutual ministry, I think both of these theologians have moved towards a more biblically faithful and more kingdom-proclaiming model of ministering. I think WMF's work is a great example that should be noted by others with similar ministerial goals. Clearly this looks to Jesus' example and tries to replicate it in the most faithful and loving way possible in our own context. Heuertz and Pohl put to words many things I have been thinking and feeling for a while, and it was great to see someone passionate about them in the same ways. I was so glad so see that the authors took the time to talk about WHY we engage in such relationships. It is not simply out of a desire to win souls or be friends with ulterior motives, but out of a genuine love for the person across the table simply because God loves them too. When we remember that God loves this other human being just as much as God loves us, it completely changes the dynamic of the conversation and relationship. I think Heuertz and Pohl are really on to something and I would love to see how their respective ideas develop in the future. I will definitely be reading more books by both of them.

[Sarah Forcey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gives practical insight as well as inspiration to build mutual, long-term friendships with those who live vulnerable lives. It addresses many common tensions in these types of relationship and also includes heart-warming and thought-provoking stories about such friendships. I enjoyed it so much that I read it twice and made my husband read it.

[Bryan Neuschwander · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cried while reading this book.

"The idea of being a friend of God should strike us as pretty outrageous. That members of God's obstinate, broken creation could be drawn into friendship with the Creator and Redeemer of the universe is extraordinary. And yet this is what God offers us." (120-1).

"In drawing closer to Jesus, we discover that we cannot love him without loving others. Our friendship with Jesus does not become diluted as more people are included in God's heart of love. But neither can our friendship with him be overlooked because of others. The relationships are mutually reinforcing." (122)

"Sometimes there is a sizeable gap between what we claim as our commitments and how we use our free time" (125).

Delicately put, but true.

[Jack Kooyman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this a few years back with a small group of folks engaged in Christian community development primarily with urban youth. It gave us pause and stretched us with regard to our personal "sacrifices" and willingness to go anywhere and see Christ in everyone . . . especially those who are among the "outcasts" of our world. This one is definitely on my "read again" shelf!

[Graydon Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a wonderful call to counter cultural friendship with those on the margins. Rather than ministering to the marginalized, they describe what it means to live among them and truly befriend them. In this sharing of life and relationship, we discover a mutuality that missions movements sometimes miss.

[Nate Duriga · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a thought-provoking book that's worth a read for practitioners among the poor and cross-culturally. I would have liked a bit more theory and theology to fill out the many anecdotes and stories of experiences.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

BRILLIANT! I needed this book.

[Laura Cohran · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lovely, thought-provoking, challenging, humble.

[Amethyst Rodriguez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Manipulation should never be mistaken for evangelism. When we shrink our interest in people to the possibilities of where their souls may spend eternity, it is easy to miss how God might already be working in and through a particular person. If we want people to experience the kingdom of God and to dwell with God for eternity, then how they experience their relationship with us should be a foretaste of that goodness and beauty.

[Kendra Decker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I learned about this book as suggested reading in Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals. It has challenged me to be more thoughtful about how and where I choose to serve and how I think about and relate to those I intend to help. It is convicting and inspiring.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Friendship at the Margins was not what I expected. I thought I was getting an academic reflection on connections to the poor and the outsider (having read Pohl's book on community). What it was instead was much more like memoir and story, interspersed with theological points. It was resolutely challenging, offering examples (certainly not models) of being with the poor and the outsider that are simple and available and transformative, but are never fast or program driven. Instead they are relational. Heuertz's organization, Word Made Flesh, moves into areas and lives with the poor, becoming friends and neighbors (I hear echoes of Jane Addams and Hull House) with kingdom hopes, but not finished kingdom plans. What a patient and beautiful view of what friendship can mean.

"Cause-driven models of mission, advocacy and relief often allow contributors/donors to provide help at a distance, captured by the concern but disconnected from the actual persons most affected by it."

"Does that mean that we must all sew our own clothes, or live without the beauty of artwork in our homes? Probably not, but it does suggest that if we know people who lack sufficient food, clothing or housing to sustain life, it would be harder to spend our money frivolously or self indulgently."

"Voluntary ignorance is as dangerous as it is easy. Choosing not to see and avoiding thinking about the consequences of our decisions or lifestyles do not make us blameless. Opening our eyes to the global realities and moving beyond our areas of comfort can become avenues leading to deeper discipleship, compassion and justice."

"Putting ourselves in places where people on the margins can find us involves slowing down, taking time to be where people can befriend us, and taking risks to be dependent on the kindness of strangers."

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an inspiring and convicting book that I will continue to go back to in the years to come! Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

...[T]he vulnerable women and children among whom we serve cannot afford another painful goodbye in the sad series of losses that characterize their lives. We've discovered that our commitment to community building requires fidelity over time.

In an effort to raise financial support or encourage prayer, the vulnerabilities of other people's lives are exposed...the letters are usually framed as prayer requests. But often the details are shared without permission.

Prayer letters are second only to PowerPoint Presentations in their potential for violating friendship. Imagine how you would feel if you worst moment what photographed and then displayed during morning worship.

In our hunger to be liberated and to throw off some of the stereotypes of uptight, narrow Christians, many of us have forgotten how to blush.

If we were regularly reminded of the impact of our consumption patterns on the most vulnerable, would we change our practices?

Mutuality does not come from everyone doing the same thing or making the same contributions. It comes from shared humility, respect and appreciation for the other person, and some sense of shared vision or purpose.

People are exploited and they exploit, they are misused and they misuse...if forming friendships with exploited people is important to us, we will be drawn into some complicated situations. We will probably get splashed with some of the ambiguity and uncertainty...When friendships on the margins draw us into morally ambiguous or troublesome circumstances, we desperately need to be located in a prayerful, truthful and loving community.

[Greg D · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall an excellent read. Focuses on the importance and impact a true friendship with those who live at the margins can make. Friendships void of agendas. Friendships void of paternalism. Relationships that grow each other. I didn't agree with all of the material. As one who lives and works among the poor in Albania, I am not convinced yet that I have come here to make friends. Is that truly my mission? Did I sell everything, quit my job, and leave America to come to Albania to make a bunch of friends? Or, did I come here to make disciples and help the poor? In the Great Commission, Jesus doesn't tell us to go into all the nations and make friends. He tells us to make disciples. And, while I am certain that friendships will be made in my endeavors, I am not convinced that is my priority. However, one thing that I have learned the most from in this book is the importance of doing community with those I am reaching. The importance of getting into their world and allowing them to come into mine. That we are here to serve and love each other, and to grow together in Christ. More importantly, that I need to spend more time with the people I serve and not make them my project.

Overall, this a book that I highly recommend to those who are doing ministry among impoverished people groups. And, as with any book take it with a grain of salt, where I am certain you will glean some wisdom and wonderful insights from this book.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is co-authored by two members of an organization called Word Made Flesh, which involves living in community among those who are poor in various countries throughout the world. It's both a gentle indictment of typical mission work and an exploration of the benefits and challenges of becoming friends with people whose life circumstances are vastly different than your own. I think there is a lot of valuable food for thought for those who want to assist those living in poverty or caught up in dangerous practices like street prostitution and selling drugs. I don't personally agree with the authors that Muslims need to be converted to Christianity, so in that way their work seemed almost as pointless as traditional mission work, but I appreciated all the other good work that their organization is doing and the way they're going about it.

I'd recommend this for anyone interested in doing any kind of mission work, from a service-based "mission trip" to the more traditional missionary work of evangelization.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the fourth book of the seven set series that I have read. Each one has been a different theme but each a critical component of the idea of "reconciling all things." "Friendship at the Margins" was a good read, it reminded me of the ministry that Dry Bones does in Denver. Here are the dog-ears, highlights, underlines, and asterisks:

pg. 53 - a thought provoking question about our consumption
pg. 55 - a reminder about Isaiah 3.14-15
pg. 58 - John Wesley's comments on social heartlessness, spiritual apathy, and greed
pg. 62 - two more book recommendations regarding social justice and consumption:
Everyday Justice: The Global Impact of Our Daily Choices
Social Justice Handbook: Small Steps to a Better World

p.s. - most of my experiences with the Divine have occurred at the margins of "normal" society...

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great insights. Timely read. Essential for any practitioner, church, and individual who finds themselves in complex and beautiful relationships with others with backgrounds and experiences differing from their own. Brief and insightful.

"What does reconciliation look like when you love Jesus and want the best for people who are caught in situations of terrible evil, need or despair? How would our lives and our ministries be different if our understandings of love emphasized friendship?"

"What difference does it make for mission, discipleship and the church when friendship with people who are poor is a central dimension of our lives? What is the impact on those with whom we minister? How are we changed? What does it mean for the church, for reconciliation and for the practice of mission?" p. 10

[Richard Fitzgerald · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provides insight into the power and importance of friendships. All friendships are important, but especially friendships with those who are different from us. And, even more especially, friendships from those who live at the margins of society. Friendship is more important than doing something for the other, though friends do things for each other. This is a difference between mutuality in friendship and charity. Our friends do for us, and we do for them. We aren't saviors (only Jesus is that) or rescuers; we are friends. This book convincingly tells the story of friendship at the margins and invites us to enter that God blessed space.

[Courtney Westerlund · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I'm buying it for my bookshelf when I get home! It does a fantastic job of articulating what it means to be a servant of Christ and how it is best done through forming friendships. It relates really well to being a YAGM because it talks about accompaniment and friendship as the ways of forming relationships with people in order to learn from them. It's not about changing their life and making everything better, it's about how they change your life through the interactions you have with one another. Must Read!!!

[Cath Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book had some good things to consider and while WMF is doing ministry in different settings than most of us will face, it did challenge the reader to consider how it is that you look at, treat and enter into relationship with God's children who are in need.There were a few stories that I wrestled with especially towards the end, from a theological perspective - but all in all it was a positive read.

[Wynn H · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rethink. Recalibrate. Re-enter the world. Chris Heuertz and Christine Pohl offer a new and refreshing take on what it means to be in ministry or missions. Sadly the modern church often forgets to emphasize the simple idea of building and cultivating friendships. Luckily there are at least two people who have the courage to remind us what it looks like. A good read, and for those working with people who are experiencing poverty - a must.

[David Wierzbicki · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest and important reflection on making sure that those we serve do not become our "project" in place being our friends. There is much to gain by bring open to being changed in a friendship and avoiding the dominating view that the western Christianity is supposed to fix everybody else; either by saving their souls or by solving their situation.

[Erik · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an incredible read and not only brought me a deep spiritual growth as a house church leader, but also great encouragement as a marginalized person who struggles with a physical disability! Full of enriching heartfelt stories of authentic friendship and gems of insightful Kingdom truths, I am recommending this book to all my house church leaders!!