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Irregular People
Who is your "irregular person?" Joyce brings wise and healing words to help you deal with those insensitive family members who have crushed your spirit with their emotional neglect and abuse.
156 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1986
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250 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 41 reviews
April 14, 2013
This book changed the way I relate to the difficult people in my life. There was one relationship in particular that was altered by the wisdom I gained from this book.
With her, some days I was "in" and the favorite, the confidant, friend, dearly loved and showered with gifts. The next day or week or month, I was criticized, gossiped about, and rejected. I could do nothing to please and nothing right.
This book taught me that I COULD CHOOSE HOW I WOULD BE. I carefully thought about/prayed about, how I would relate to this difficult (irregular) person. Then I decided to always be the same, no matter how she may be treating me at the time.
So instead of constantly changing, trying to become the person I thought would please her, I tried, with God's help, to just be me, to always be consistant. It brought me a lot of peace and removed a lot of turmoil from my life.
Much to my surprise--she seemed to like me better!
I am very thankful for Landorf's book.
With her, some days I was "in" and the favorite, the confidant, friend, dearly loved and showered with gifts. The next day or week or month, I was criticized, gossiped about, and rejected. I could do nothing to please and nothing right.
This book taught me that I COULD CHOOSE HOW I WOULD BE. I carefully thought about/prayed about, how I would relate to this difficult (irregular) person. Then I decided to always be the same, no matter how she may be treating me at the time.
So instead of constantly changing, trying to become the person I thought would please her, I tried, with God's help, to just be me, to always be consistant. It brought me a lot of peace and removed a lot of turmoil from my life.
Much to my surprise--she seemed to like me better!
I am very thankful for Landorf's book.
November 11, 2007
This book gave me insight into my irregular person, but I don't feel like it helped me deal with my irregular person.
August 12, 2020
This book made me angry. It started off strongly but about 2⁄3 of the book it became clear that the author had no idea where to go and just started to say to pray about it. If you can't finish a book then just write a short story.
February 5, 2014
Who is your "irregular person?" Joyce brings wise and healing words to help you deal with those insensitive family members who have crushed your spirit with their emotional neglect and abuse.
August 3, 2014
We all have people in our lives who are irregular this book helps you understand that they do not have to kill your spirit
September 9, 2020
Someone gave me this book and said it was their favorite book and that I had to read it. So that's why I read it. Other than that, I never would have picked it up on my own. I had never heard of it or the author, and the title sounded weird and the cover was so outdated lol
But I was surprised to find that this book was really good! What she calls "irregular people" is basically dysfunctional people, so I thought that unique phrase didn't really make sense. But either way, she has some great insights on dealing with difficult people. I love what she says about acceptance and forgiveness. And even though we can pray for people like this, I love that she points out how we shouldn't be dependent on their changing. We can make good choices either way and let God change us.
She gives a lot of hope for how God can work through those difficult situations. I didn't agree with everything she says in this book. But this book was helpful and has some good things to glean from!
But I was surprised to find that this book was really good! What she calls "irregular people" is basically dysfunctional people, so I thought that unique phrase didn't really make sense. But either way, she has some great insights on dealing with difficult people. I love what she says about acceptance and forgiveness. And even though we can pray for people like this, I love that she points out how we shouldn't be dependent on their changing. We can make good choices either way and let God change us.
She gives a lot of hope for how God can work through those difficult situations. I didn't agree with everything she says in this book. But this book was helpful and has some good things to glean from!
April 11, 2022
This book gives a Christian perspective, and it is not going to make much sense in parts if you approach it with a different worldview.
This book was helpful in identifying difficult relationships in my life. I found that I have a few relationships with people that the author would label as “irregular” - and I found it helpful to focus on forgiveness and prayer in those situations. The author is right in saying that there are certain times when we, as Christians, must bear with such relationships. We are commanded to forgive as we have been forgiven. That’s crucial to living as Christ did, and there is no way we can put His name on ourselves to call ourselves “Christians” without obeying that. That being said, there ARE appropriate circumstances in which a Christian can and should cut off an “irregular” relationship (in love and forgiveness.) God’s Word gives us wisdom on this.
I also learned how to NOT become an irregular person to others, especially my kids.
This book was helpful in identifying difficult relationships in my life. I found that I have a few relationships with people that the author would label as “irregular” - and I found it helpful to focus on forgiveness and prayer in those situations. The author is right in saying that there are certain times when we, as Christians, must bear with such relationships. We are commanded to forgive as we have been forgiven. That’s crucial to living as Christ did, and there is no way we can put His name on ourselves to call ourselves “Christians” without obeying that. That being said, there ARE appropriate circumstances in which a Christian can and should cut off an “irregular” relationship (in love and forgiveness.) God’s Word gives us wisdom on this.
I also learned how to NOT become an irregular person to others, especially my kids.
August 5, 2023
I believe anyone can parts of themselves, and others more easily, in Joyce Landorf Heatherley's Irregular People. A problem is admitting to yourself, or to someone else, that you have that social problem, or acted that way, giving other people the wrong impression.
It's always easier to see, and remember those people doing that.
Heatherley authored several books before she passed away recently, probably helping a lot of people see themselves better through the sometimes regrettable actions of others. There are Bible passages noted, but it's more of a human psychology book than churchy.
It's interesting, fast, thought-provoking reading, and one that's likely to have you doing some extra research in human behavior: about others and you. If you have already admitted that nobody is perfect, you won't be facing any mental breakdowns here.
It's always easier to see, and remember those people doing that.
Heatherley authored several books before she passed away recently, probably helping a lot of people see themselves better through the sometimes regrettable actions of others. There are Bible passages noted, but it's more of a human psychology book than churchy.
It's interesting, fast, thought-provoking reading, and one that's likely to have you doing some extra research in human behavior: about others and you. If you have already admitted that nobody is perfect, you won't be facing any mental breakdowns here.
Read
November 5, 2019I have read this book and think it is an awesome MUST read for all humans.... trying to decide which one or many are MY Irregular persons, is a staggering decision and changes day to day for me!! i think this would be a great book for anyone in the human race to read and determine, who is an "Irregular Person" in their life, or who would (you think) would be considered to be their Irregular person for myself.
February 15, 2021
I saw this in a few lists of good beginner psychology books and I'm really not sure why it was on those lists after reading it.
The first two chapters are great. Then, it just becomes a spirituality book that ignores talking about how the hurt and pain of your "abuser"/"irregular person" not taking responsibility affects you. The whole chapter about anger... Yeah, it's there for a reason.
A book of its time, for sure.
The first two chapters are great. Then, it just becomes a spirituality book that ignores talking about how the hurt and pain of your "abuser"/"irregular person" not taking responsibility affects you. The whole chapter about anger... Yeah, it's there for a reason.
A book of its time, for sure.
October 19, 2019
There are difficult people--difficult to deal with on many levels. We all know someone like this. Maybe I'm someone's suggestion to be cast away? At any rate, this author demonstrates how to tolerate and even nurture this kind of relationship. As an out-cast one can identify with this phenomenon and strive to be a friend in spite of difficult personality quirks. Excellent read.
June 6, 2018
Reread it after 4 years and even though I don't agree with all of the author's opinions, it was still extremely helpful in dealing with my irregular person. I feel like this is a book you can continue to come back to.
March 5, 2025
How to cope with your irregular person
I love Joyce Landorf Heatherley's book and tapes. She shares from her heart what God has taught her. She is not afraid to let people see what God has brought her through and share the steps we need to take.
I love Joyce Landorf Heatherley's book and tapes. She shares from her heart what God has taught her. She is not afraid to let people see what God has brought her through and share the steps we need to take.
November 6, 2025
I don’t typically write a review, but this book felt like it was recommended to me for a divine purpose. It was insightful, deeply personal, and extremely helpful. I recommend this book to anyone struggling with a difficult relationship of any kind.
December 19, 2018
Highly recommended.
January 5, 2020
More of a guide on how to bully people with bonus chapters on keeping them out of your life. A guide for "insensitivity training" if there ever was one.
September 1, 2023
Had some good points but felt the book was a little dated in some of the advice
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August 19, 2024My grandma gave me this book to read so no rating! It’s very southern ladies book club 🫶🏻
January 4, 2025
This book may be from the 80’s, but it spoke to me directly. Very validating and also practical
August 2, 2014
Overall rating: Mostly unhelpful.
Yes, this book was mostly unhelpful, but there were some really good nuggets in here too. My biggest complaint is that the descriptions/explanations/examples of irregular people are too vague. (Also, this book is from the 80s. Enough said.) I get that Joyce wanted to protect peoples' identities, but I feel like I needed more details to properly understand what she was saying. And while there were certainly enough examples of how destructive irregular people can be, I found there wasn't much in the way of helpful solutions for dealing with irregular people. A helpful solution she mentioned a couple times was to view irregular people as if they have an incurable sickness or physical disability--something that they can't help but will never recover from. Look at irregular people as if they can't control their behaviour, and treat them as best as you can knowing it's not something that they can help.
I found Chapter 2 the most helpful, and here is a summary:
- "Irregular people have similar, if not identical, personality traits." (27)
Irregular People Are Emotionally Blind:
-"...while blind to us, the irregular person can be perfectly capable of seeing other people, their own situations, and their own needs with flawless 20/20 vision" (28). (selective emotional blindness)
-"When your irregular person is blind to you, he or she cannot see your talents, skills, or successes in your field of endeavor. He or she cannot see or handle the spiritual, or even material, gifts the Lord has seen fit to loan you" (29).
-"You realize you can rarely, if ever, please them, so you try harder and run faster, only to find sometimes you aren't even in the race, much less a trophy winner" (29).
-Example: "...an irregular mother-in-law was flown thousands of miles to see her son and daughter-in-law's brand-new dream house. But, after taking the tour, she remained silent. Her son, anxious to hear how she liked it, asked her, but her only comment, 'It's too bad you don't have a stainless steel kitchen sink...', devastated him" (30)
Irregular People Are Emotionally Deaf:
-"...with time, their hearing ability seems to decline at a very rapid pace. And a hearing loss to some degree of intensity is an all-too-common pattern. It is as though here and there in the irregular person's mind, big chunks of denial block or plug their heart's ability to hear" (34).
-"Once in awhile you'll have a 'fairly normal' conversation with your irregular person, in which he or she seems to see and hear quite well. When that happens, you are so pleased that you eagerly plunge ahead and boldly share something which is of vital importance, only to find you are not talking to a living, breathing human being, but to a stone mask. A sudden and profound deafness has overtaken them, and instant denial sets up like cement in their ears to block everything you've just said" (35).
-Example: "An attractive young wife told me how utterly crushed and shattered she had been when she accidentally discovered that her husband was having an affair. Immediately, she rushed over to her mother's home and bared her heart. The mother, in extreme deafness of denial, only chided, 'Your hair looks terrible. You really need to fix it up a bit.' That remark closed the door forever on the subject" (36).
Irregular People Have Badly Damaged Vocal Chords:
-"While they can speak verbally, irregular people mix up their vocabulary and generally manage to say all the wrong words at the wrong times" (37).
-"The one pattern which seems to be the easiest to discern is the one involving apologies. Irregular people simply cannot bring themselves, for whatever reason, to the point of accepting the responsibility for something which has gone wrong. Hence, they cannot ask anyone's forgiveness. Apologizing is not within the realm of possibility for them" (37).
-"An irregular person perceives himself or herself as never having failed, as never being capable of making a mistake, and certainly as never saying anything that could be construed as inaccurate or stupid. Someone else is always at fault, someone else is always blamed, and someone else always needs to apologize" (37).
-"Irregular people are also easily offended" (39).
-"Besides not being able to apologize or give praise, another communication problem irregular people have is the tendency to be threatened by even the simplest question. It's almost as if your asking a question is an indictment of their authority, or, at the very least, a defiant contradiction" (46).
There. That is more or less the meat of the book. I wish there was more meat and less... filler? I feel like this book may be an okay starting place for info on irregular people, and I wonder if there has been more stuff written on irregular people since the 80s. Or if there's a different name for them.
Yes, this book was mostly unhelpful, but there were some really good nuggets in here too. My biggest complaint is that the descriptions/explanations/examples of irregular people are too vague. (Also, this book is from the 80s. Enough said.) I get that Joyce wanted to protect peoples' identities, but I feel like I needed more details to properly understand what she was saying. And while there were certainly enough examples of how destructive irregular people can be, I found there wasn't much in the way of helpful solutions for dealing with irregular people. A helpful solution she mentioned a couple times was to view irregular people as if they have an incurable sickness or physical disability--something that they can't help but will never recover from. Look at irregular people as if they can't control their behaviour, and treat them as best as you can knowing it's not something that they can help.
I found Chapter 2 the most helpful, and here is a summary:
- "Irregular people have similar, if not identical, personality traits." (27)
Irregular People Are Emotionally Blind:
-"...while blind to us, the irregular person can be perfectly capable of seeing other people, their own situations, and their own needs with flawless 20/20 vision" (28). (selective emotional blindness)
-"When your irregular person is blind to you, he or she cannot see your talents, skills, or successes in your field of endeavor. He or she cannot see or handle the spiritual, or even material, gifts the Lord has seen fit to loan you" (29).
-"You realize you can rarely, if ever, please them, so you try harder and run faster, only to find sometimes you aren't even in the race, much less a trophy winner" (29).
-Example: "...an irregular mother-in-law was flown thousands of miles to see her son and daughter-in-law's brand-new dream house. But, after taking the tour, she remained silent. Her son, anxious to hear how she liked it, asked her, but her only comment, 'It's too bad you don't have a stainless steel kitchen sink...', devastated him" (30)
Irregular People Are Emotionally Deaf:
-"...with time, their hearing ability seems to decline at a very rapid pace. And a hearing loss to some degree of intensity is an all-too-common pattern. It is as though here and there in the irregular person's mind, big chunks of denial block or plug their heart's ability to hear" (34).
-"Once in awhile you'll have a 'fairly normal' conversation with your irregular person, in which he or she seems to see and hear quite well. When that happens, you are so pleased that you eagerly plunge ahead and boldly share something which is of vital importance, only to find you are not talking to a living, breathing human being, but to a stone mask. A sudden and profound deafness has overtaken them, and instant denial sets up like cement in their ears to block everything you've just said" (35).
-Example: "An attractive young wife told me how utterly crushed and shattered she had been when she accidentally discovered that her husband was having an affair. Immediately, she rushed over to her mother's home and bared her heart. The mother, in extreme deafness of denial, only chided, 'Your hair looks terrible. You really need to fix it up a bit.' That remark closed the door forever on the subject" (36).
Irregular People Have Badly Damaged Vocal Chords:
-"While they can speak verbally, irregular people mix up their vocabulary and generally manage to say all the wrong words at the wrong times" (37).
-"The one pattern which seems to be the easiest to discern is the one involving apologies. Irregular people simply cannot bring themselves, for whatever reason, to the point of accepting the responsibility for something which has gone wrong. Hence, they cannot ask anyone's forgiveness. Apologizing is not within the realm of possibility for them" (37).
-"An irregular person perceives himself or herself as never having failed, as never being capable of making a mistake, and certainly as never saying anything that could be construed as inaccurate or stupid. Someone else is always at fault, someone else is always blamed, and someone else always needs to apologize" (37).
-"Irregular people are also easily offended" (39).
-"Besides not being able to apologize or give praise, another communication problem irregular people have is the tendency to be threatened by even the simplest question. It's almost as if your asking a question is an indictment of their authority, or, at the very least, a defiant contradiction" (46).
There. That is more or less the meat of the book. I wish there was more meat and less... filler? I feel like this book may be an okay starting place for info on irregular people, and I wonder if there has been more stuff written on irregular people since the 80s. Or if there's a different name for them.
November 30, 2016
I enjoyed this well written book and got some good insight in my and other's struggles with specific people in our lives. Insights gained gave me more empathy and understanding.
April 12, 2010
This book deals, by example, with difficult/PIA people in one's life and how to deal with them.
I found it a little bit dated (it is over 20 years old) and thought that though some of the advice was helpful in developing perspective or in identifying such people for what they are instead of being in denial or blaming oneself, all I really wanted to say to the victims was "just tell them to shove it."
It took me 60 years to figure this out and it is difficult to do, but in the end, one is a lot happier.
I found it a little bit dated (it is over 20 years old) and thought that though some of the advice was helpful in developing perspective or in identifying such people for what they are instead of being in denial or blaming oneself, all I really wanted to say to the victims was "just tell them to shove it."
It took me 60 years to figure this out and it is difficult to do, but in the end, one is a lot happier.
November 5, 2013
This book is a classic on how to deal with people close to you who aren't normal. By that, I mean friends or family members who you can never be reconciled to because they are strange and will never come around to your side. They have no interest in being your friend, or even a decent relative/human being to you. The author calls them "irregular people" and she has one in her life. She takes you through the process of dealing with it and moving on. It's very insightful.
September 10, 2008
I learned that some people will never love you the way you want them too no matter what you do. This book helps you to recognize that these people are broken and will never be fixed. It also helps you to stop longing for approval, love and acceptance from those kinds of people. Basically this is a heart healer. Don't waste time striving to be loved by people who aren't capable of it.
February 2, 2013
This book was published almost 30 years ago, but its truths are eternal. It's a difficult book to read if you have an irregular person in your life. I have several and finally need to accept them in a healthy way. I think I may almost be there. Praise Jesus!!
September 17, 2012
If there is someone in your life that you normally would not be around, but are forced to through circumstance. I read this a good 20 years ago. I found it tremendously helpful. It is NOT theory but rather from the heart of one's been there.
March 23, 2016
It's a healing read if you suffer from hurtful people close to you. I just realized how important this book has been to me. Two friends recently asked for any materials to help them deal with hurtful family. Without missing a beat, I recommended this book.
August 23, 2022
I will be reading this book over and over! Such a fantastic read! If you have an irregular person or irregular people in your life this is a necessary read! It has been so helpful for me to learn how to cope and survive my irregular people!
February 3, 2008
I've recently reread this book. Everyone has an irregular person in their life, but this book emphasizes the fact that you are probably someone elses irregular person.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 41 reviews