Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy: Eight Truths for Pursuing Unity in Your Church

by Jamie Dunlop

Loving Those at Church Who Are Hard to Love Churches are full of differences. Those differences might be rooted in culture or personality or even musical style. In recent years, differences over political and social issues have frayed the unity of many churches. Yet if a church is centered on  Christ alone , then unity at church will sometimes require building genuine friendships that bridge across all those differences. How can Christians navigate those relationships? Can they really love people at church who sometimes drive them crazy?  

This practical guide explores 8 truths from Romans 12–15 that show us  how  to find God-exalting unity at church with those we struggle to love.  Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy  is a roadmap to finding joy in Christ through the many differences we have with fellow believers, a joy that powerfully declares the glory of God. Because easy love rarely shows off gospel power.

Genres: Theology, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Christian, Christianity, Church, Faith

176 pages, Paperback

Published November 28, 2023

Reviews

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely terrific. Jamie Dunlop is such an underrated author (“The Compelling Community” is in my top five Christian books of all time). This one likewise blends profound biblical insight with seasoned pastoral wisdom—I learned a lot. Seriously, get two copies and read it with a friend.

[Matthew Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recognize my bias from this being written by one of my pastors, but this book is formative reading for the church today (or at least it was for me).

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good. Challenged me by uncovering some of my blind spots and layers in my heart when I say “Christ alone” church.

[Amanda E. (aebooksandwords) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether differences of opinion, personalities, or other challenges, we can find loving even fellow believers in our own church to be a challenge. In “Love the One Who Drive You Crazy: Eight Truths for Pursuing Unity in Your Church,” author Jamie Dunlop calls us to be centered on Christ above all, detailing how to pursue unity in the church in practical ways and loving those we find hard to love.

Our “in Christ aloneness” means we as a body of believers exist together in unity along with our differences of personality, opinions, and even when we are hard to love. The book is quick to remind us, however, that there are issues to fight for at the cost of unity (things that compromise the gospel or other particular situations). That said, the book’s aim is not a focus on these but on pursuing unity despite differences that do not get in the way of staying in a particular church.

For the early church, “love amidst differences and disagreements revealed the power of being united in Christ alone.” This depicted God’s answering of Jesus’ prayer in John 17 that we would be one. One such happening from more modern times that was shared in the book was about two enemies (who wanted each other killed) becoming ministry partners after both found Christ. What an amazingly touching story!

This is a needed book for the Body of Christ and I highly recommend it!

Some highlights:

“…our goal in the church is to reflect a Savior who is beautiful, desirable, and satisfying.”

“The differences that threaten to tear your church apart are opportunities to demonstrate that being ‘in accord with Christ Jesus’ is all we need to be in ‘harmony with one another.’ That’s how ‘with one voice’ we ‘glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.’”

“if you view church as a consumer, what will you do with the very unconsumer-like traits of churches that are full of people who think differently than you, who don’t understand you, and who make you uncomfortable?”

“Is your friendship moving toward affection, or is it settled in obligation? Does your friendship honor the individual or debase him as a charity case? Is your desire for this person’s good zealous, or is it half-hearted?”

“If all that powers your patience with difficult people is the hope that God will change them in this life, then you’ll often be disappointed, because God does not promise change according to your timetable. Of course, God is fully able to snap his fingers (metaphorically) to fix what bothers you about another person. He is able . . . yet he delays. Why? Because he has something better in mind… Hope in God’s purposes is a much more solid foundation for patient love than hope for change.”

Thank you to Crossway for gifting me an advance copy of this book. I am leaving this review voluntarily and was not required to leave a positive review. All opinions are my own.

[Collin Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I needed to read this book. It was actually more helpful to me on how to love and serve the people at the church I serve at in more meaningful and deeply Christ-like ways.

His emphasis on a “Christ-alone” church and his exegesis of Roman 12-14 was super helpful. Also he had a bit on forgiveness that I had not considered: “real forgiveness lays down its rights and says I will come alongside you to repair what’s been broken as if it were my fault.” Convicting…

I don’t think I get “driven crazy” often but there are people where I serve I just don’t know how to love and I think this book helped me think through some things to better love those people.

[Ben Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

The focus is on broad principles for engaging with church family rather than nitty-gritty input for personal relationships, and it is very good. One standout was the call to love the "difficult" individuals in your church because you need THEIR faith for the sake of your own faith and spiritual growth...it is never a one way street in that regard.

[Jake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book. Convicting on a number of levels.

[Adriann Saint · Rating 4 out of 5]

A super easy/short read that’s packed with a lot of helpful truths. I’d argue this is a book that is needed in most churches today!

[Caleb Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Love in your church that's natural and effortless hardly shows off the glory of the gospel that God has worked into your heart. Love that's difficult is the antidote to hypocrisy in the church; it reveals who's really following Jesus and who's just along for the ride (1 John 3:16-18)." - Jamie Dunlop

Wow. So good! Convicting and encouraging just like it should be. I think the best thing I can say about this book is that I actually want to love the ones that drive me crazy after reading this book. Dunlop wonderfully moves from "you need to do this because the Bible says so" to "you actually want to do this as the Spirit empowers you." So many wonderful nuggets I'll return to. "When you have an attitude problem, you have a gratitude problem. Amen, and ouch! "Christ is better than comfort." Just so much gold in this book. Thank you Jamie Dunlop. A perfect book for small/life groups to read and pray through together, especially given the discussion questions and prayer prompts.

[Jon Pentecost · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dunlop speaks about the challenges to unity within a church with refreshing frankness. He gives many examples and sites objections that I think many Christians think of, but are afraid to say out loud. This extended meditation on the end of Romans is wonderfully helpful and encouraging and exhorting Christians, to really believe that the gospel can overcome division in his church. Through the power of Christ, you really can love even the Christians who bug you.

Recommend to any Christian.

[Rob McCutcheon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite a convicting read. Dunlop does an excellent job of anticipating readers’ arguments for why they cannot possibly show genuine Christian love to some people, then proceeds to use Paul and the Biblical wisdom of the book of Romans to dismantle each and every one of them! This is a book I need and will continue to need as long as I live in a covenant relationship with other believers.

[Hunter Beless · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a helpful read if you're struggling to build friendships across differences in your local church.

[Bob O'Bannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This would have been a great book for all Christians to read in the summer of 2020, but it did not come out until 2023. Sometimes we need some time to pass for our vision to become clear on a matter, and Jamie Dunlop provides considerable clarity about how we in the church can and should pursue unity over the various disagreements we hold.

Of course the problem is that often our disagreements are rooted in deeply held convictions about hugely important topics, so that those with differing opinions become "the ones who drive you crazy." But Dunlop does a good job showing that our priority should not be to settle all disagreements or to prove ourselves right (at least on secondary matters), but to showcase God's glory through the unity of the church. Societal concerns should move to the background while church unity should be shifted into the foreground (p.61). Disagreements in church life are not actually a distraction from ministry, but the main event of ministry – the opportunity we have to love those with whom we disagree in a way that exalts Christ's love for us.

During the political and pandemic disputes of 2020, I'm not sure of the church did such a good job at this. It felt like church unity shifted into the background while societal concerns became the main event. Thankfully the Lord is patient with us so we can regroup, humble ourselves and hopefully be better prepared for the next issue that challenges the unity of Christ's bride.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy could have been called Lessons We Learned in 2020. If you read this book, I can almost guarantee you'll reflect back on your own stories from the last 4 years.

He makes the point early on in the book that when we say the church is a family, sometimes it's not so much board games by the fire- but more like shouting at each other over who used all the hot water. (If it's an Everything Shower day, it was me 😐.) There's something so powerful in that. No matter what disagreements we have or how crazy we think the other is, we are in this thing together. Ride or die. Why? Because we are centered on Christ. In fact, it's because Christ is the center of all we do that we find ourselves disagreeing on other things. Because Christ draws people of all nations to himself, and we aren't at church for a political convention or a business association. We are there because of HIM. And we love these crazy brothers and sisters because Christ first loved our crazy selves.

This book draws from Romans 12 and 14. I found the second half of the book to be particularly challenging, in that it caused me to take a hard look at how I'm loving people. Consider my conscience pricked. This book is not very long, but it should be gone through slowly. There is a lot to savor. However, I had a Libby rental, so I had to move quick. I think it could be a good one for a book study group.

One of my biggest takeaways was that changes in laws and society are not nearly as much of a threat to the church as the divisiveness we experience because of those changes. I thought the author had a very balanced take on some hot button issues, making it not about the issue but how we handle the issue. Some will disagree on how the author differentiates essential and non-essential issues. That doesn't bother me, but it might bother some. The writing was a little plain Jane. But do I really need a Bible study to have sparkle? Because then it would be about the author's personality, not the substance. That would be my main complaint, though. I may purchase a physical copy and go through it again.

Overall, this was a great Bible study and well worth the read.

[Amber Hammond · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a helpful book! Honestly, when this book first came out, I thought to myself, “No one in my church drives me crazy, I don’t need to read that.” Well Jamie Dunlop proved me wrong. I needed to read this book and I bet you do too. Jamie so helpfully reminds the reader of truths from scripture about loving others in your church that disagree with you or are not like you. He reminds us that the church is called to reflect God’s glory and that through the gospel and the Holy Spirit we must fight for unity amidst differences. This book would be a great book to read alongside someone else because at the end of each chapter he provides questions to reflect on and discuss and prayer points. I was particularly helped and convicted by the chapters on “How can I be friends with ‘those’ people?”, “How can I really forgive ‘those’ people?”, and “How can I stop judging and despising ‘those’ people?”

Highly recommend for all Christians who want to glorify the Lord with how they interact and love others.

[Lauren Ketchum · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s easy to love the idea of fellowship within the church and to love your church as a whole, but it’s much harder when you start to build relationships with individual church members, particularly those with personalities that conflict with yours or a difficult communication style and begin to notice their flaws. This book is for the one who wants to change their own heart toward the people they are supposed to love.

The book points us to the heterogeneity of the church as a reflection of Christ’s glory in his power to unite. It is precisely because we have differences in opinion and personality that the unity we have in Christ is most evident. It is only through the power of Christ and meditating on his mercy that we can overcome our own prejudice and begin to want to love those we are predisposed to dislike.

[Kaitlyn Pindak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Timely read - I need this book like a surgeon knife to my own heart and reflection to look in the mirror and remember sometimes I am the one who sandpaper to someone else!

Great sequel to The Compelling Community by Jamie Dunlap! Thankful for this probing and exposing book that addresses our hearts, responses, and “issues with others” (whether it’s truly an issue or perceived!) Thoughtfully reflective on Romans 12 and 14 especially.

5/5 🌟

1st read for Jeff Neimeyer’s Topics in Missions: Biblical Counseling in Missions for SBTS: 6/21-26/24

[Nathan Webb · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciate the authenticity and understanding of how hard it is for believers to work towards unity and love for one another that reflects Christ despite our differences. The evangelistic tone and purpose throughout the book was great. This is a great book to recommend for anyone reading through Romans 12-15, someone struggling with unity, or someone who needs to see the true motivation for Christian unity and love, that is, to reflect Christ’s love and unity towards us.

[Brendan White · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book greatly. It covers a range of topics that even in the less than 5 years I have been on staff at a church I have either seen myself or someone who is also on staff has told me they have faced before. Jamie writes in a compelling way and ties in true stories that allow the reader to relate to the book and also helps them to practically think of someone in their life that they can work to love how Christ has called them to love that person. I really enjoyed this read, a bool that I think every pastor and Christian should read.

[Jonathan Keisling · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m biased, but this book is wonderful.

I plan to buy copies to hand out to church members.

[Will Standridge, II · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, excellent, excellent. This book was beautifully, written, convicting, and pastoral. Any Christian would be served well by this book.

[Kelton Zacharias · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical next steps from Compelling Community – how to actually be united in the gospel despite all the differences that potentially divide the church. Great read for growing church members.

[Johanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

[Excerpt] “Hope is an essential ingredient to Christian fellowship. If you want to move from avoiding “those people”, to loving them out of obligation, to loving them with joy then you must learn to root your friendships not in the past but in the future, that is the future hope you share with them in Christ Jesus. Your love must be rooted in hope!”

This book is a kick in the pants in the absolute best way. I am someone eager and passionate for church unity and genuine fellowship yet still was repeatedly convicted of my sin in attitudes or wrong motivations that I regularly have brushed off as “no big deal”.

Jamie makes very clear from the get-go that he is addressing Tertiary disagreements in this book (matters of culture, conscience and conviction such as positions on government, social justice, alcohol, child rearing, etc) not Primary (salvific) or Secondary (denominational distinctives). If you suspect any trace of an unloving “those people” attitude in your heart, I strongly recommend reading this book - it’s a heavy hitting quick read. (Don’t skip the introduction!)

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Closing quote from C.S. Lewis: “The Church has no beauty but what the bridegroom gives her. He does not find but makes her lovely.”

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

#gifted through Crossway's reviewer program; all opinions are my own, honest, and voluntary

First of all, I think the title should be the subtitle; I don't feel it fits quite right. At first glance, I had hoped it was a book for how to extend Christian friendship to people who are hard to get along with by matter of personality, not differences (i.e. the Christian who wants to debate everything, sends too many emails, doesn't know when to stop talking, complains but doesn't volunteer to help).

But anyway! This book is about pursuing unity and fellowship with those who believe differently in matters not of salvation. We certainly had much of this type of frustration and division after the pandemic and recent election years!

As I read this book, it was encouraging to look back on what our church and my family and myself personally did right according to the author to maintain friendship and love. Some of these things we did truly learn thanks to diligent Bible preaching, mature and wise Christian Elders, and so much prayer. I'm thankful to now have a book with this direction and wisdom in writing!

I found all the chapters and examples relatable, with the exception of the chapter on forgiveness which I think could have been dealt with with a little more clarity and sensitivity since church abuse is such a hot topic right now.

The final chapters are especially excellent. I love that the author includes a chapter defining characteristics of a church most conducive to Biblical fellowship, accountability, and true growth.

Overall, this is a well written, concise book for the average readers in the church. It's as practical as it is convicting!!!!

Thanks Crossway for a copy in exchange for an honest review! I'll be recommending this one to friends for sure.

[Tiffany Youtzy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Highlights of the book for me: the call to love others in the church despite differences, good reflections on ch 12-15 of Romans, ultimate goal of our unity being for the glory of God. Also thought reflective questions in this book were literal gold (questions to ask yourself if you are harboring bitterness against someone, or if your love is actually genuine).

Reasons I only rated it 3 ⭐️s: seemed like the examples and subjects over differences in this book were extremely limited to this time period (specifically Covid/post-Covid era), which can be helpful if you’re looking for a response to that crisis, but definitely not a “timeless” book. I wish he would have explained how to handle conflicts within primary, secondary, and tertiary differences (like, should I attend a church that has a different view of theology on baptism or church government structure than I hold?). I also just didn’t agree with all the points he made, but within it there were good and challenging thoughts for me personally.

[Maddison Fayonsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Forgiveness accepts the consequences of the offense as your own to bear, laying down your rights in order to restore what was lost. And forgiveness says, ‘I will not resent taking this on because Christ did not resent taking it on for me.’”

The idea that forgiveness is earned is utterly anti-Jesus. This book takes readers by the hand and leads them to the difficult truth that followers of Christ are called to forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive. Addressing wrong-doing or tension among and within the church is necessary, and it must not end in partial or pretend forgiveness. Full forgiveness calls the offended one to not only love the offender, but help them regain what was lost. True forgiveness is costly, modeling Christ’s work on the cross.

This book ends on a high note, reminding believers that our reconciliation with each other here on earth is a picture of the celebration of unity taking place in glory now and forevermore.

[Lynette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! What a gospel saturated, practical, beautiful reflection on the Church - and how it IS messy, but the messiness actually reveals God's glory! How we forgive, how we learn to love and respect those who differ on tertiary matters, and how we learn how to trust in God's justice on those bigger matters is GLORIOUS. I know churches are really struggling with all of these things now, and I hope lots of small groups and discipleship groups will go through this thoughtful, convicting book repeatedly!

There's always more I wish someone would speak to, and that's the case with this book as well. Jamie Dunlop wasn't seeking to be exhaustive! But I'm so thankful for how much he did manage to pack into it!

[Chelsea Rutt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow wow wow wow wow, this was a good one!! My lead pastor gave it to me and while it’s taken me awhile to read (I wasn’t prioritizing it), it’s been deeply impactful. There are several prayer prompts at the end of each chapter, and it’s been really powerful to pray and see the Lord answer, which at times has meant bringing me people to love that I don’t necessarily gravitate towards, and then change my heart towards them!! (Some are still a work in progress, but I’m human and these things take time and I’ll continue to pray.)

So whether or not you feel like you have people that drive you crazy, maybe you’re just interested in pursuing greater unity within your church, but I’d highly recommend this one.

[Devin Moncada · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helpful.

Dunlop shows that “Christ is enough to be in fellowship.”

The unity of the church is everything, apparently. Duh. The gospel really does change how I interact with people I don’t like, disagree with, and am really different from. Duh x2. But, as Dunlop helped me to see, I too often let sin make me excuse my lack of love for brothers and sisters in the church. So I give up opportunities to bring God glory. The good news from Jesus is that I don’t have to anymore.

I didn’t think I needed this book. But I did. And I’m sure lots of people in the church would benefit from it too.

[CrabbyPatty · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author is an associate pastor in Capitol Hill Baptist Church, a large established church (circa 1867) 6 blocks from the US Capitol in Washington D.C. He offers a lot of "boots on the ground" insight into the working of a church, and as a church musician for many many years, what he says rings very true. Unity within the church doesn't mean that we must all agree. We each have cultural, political, social differences and in the end, it is our unity with Christ that matters. I think this is the type of book that you read, and then pick up again and again for guidance and insight.