Moonlight Thoughts

by Peter Fifield

“I don’t understand.” He said. He can’t really phrase it any other way. There is a confusion that overwhelms all else so that his thoughts become chaotic. “I’m not ready, and I didn’t want a baby,” she says again with a seriousness in her eyes that threatens his emotional stability. He couldn’t believe that she was serious. “What, what do you mean you didn’t want it?” He asked, pleading for some sort of rational explanation that would make his world stop spinning. “Exactly that, I didn’t want it. I wasn’t ready,” she repeats, a little less calm. He stares at her and she stares back, challenging him to say something about her decision. Her eyes are slanted in defiance in preparation for the argument that never comes. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispered. “Because I knew you would have this reaction and then I would have had to keep it. Think about it! I’m about to be promoted, I can’t afford distractions and I don’t want to create glass ceilings where none previously existed. And your job! It requires time commitments and it’s so taxing. I see you when you get home, always exhausted. We’re not ready for this,” she answers exasperated that he didn’t understand. “A distraction? Is that all it was, a distraction?” He chokes, and tears start to pool in his brown eyes. He thinks about his job and he thinks about how tired he always is when he gets home. He thinks about how home used to be a place to relax and to have fun. But when he gets home now, He always finds her working on her laptop. Trying to get ahead and prove herself to the company to get that dream promotion. “Look, I didn’t want it and I made my decision. You can’t do anything about it now, it’s over,” she replies avoiding the question. But he reads the answer in the tightening of her face and finally the pain hits. He had lost something irreplaceable without even knowing he had until now. The idea and the potential he had possessed now faded away and he wonders what it is that we’re doing. Going to work each day, coming home, eating dinner in various rooms of the house, going to sleep, and repeating. And now his chance to turn all of that around is gone. Maybe if there had been a family to come home to, He would not have been so tired each day.

32 pages, Paperback

First published February 20, 2013