Mortuary Confidential:: Undertakers Spill the Dirt

by Todd Harra, Ken McKenzie

When the casket reached the front of the sanctuary, there was a loud cracking sound as the bottom fell out. And with a thump, down came Father Iggy.
 
From shoot-outs at funerals to dead men screaming and runaway corpses, undertakers have plenty of unusual stories to tell—and a special way of telling them.
 
In this macabre and moving compilation, funeral directors across the country share their most embarrassing, jaw-dropping, irreverent, and deeply poignant stories about life at death’s door. Discover what scares them and what moves them to tears. Learn about rookie mistakes and why death sometimes calls for duct tape.
 
Enjoy tales of the dearly departed spending eternity naked from the waist down and getting bottled and corked—in a wine bottle. And then meet their families—the weepers, the punchers, the stolidly dignified, and the ones who deliver their dead mother in a pickup truck.
 
If there’s one thing undertakers know, it’s that death drives people crazy. These are the best “bodies of work” from America’s darkest profession.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Memoir, Humor, Biography, Short Stories, Audiobook

257 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2018

Reviews

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mortuary Confidential is a collection of tales about the funeral business.

So, in the wake of my grandmother's death, I was thinking about the great beyond a bit and stumbled upon this. Since I have nearly infinite store credit at the local used bookstore, I snapped it up.

This is not precisely the book I thought it would be. I was expecting hilarious, inappropriate stories. While some of the stories were funny, most were just interesting. I guess I can't fault the book for that.

Some favorite tales include a mortician locking himself out of the hearse, two brothers beating the shit out of each other at a funeral, and the bottom of a casket dropping out while the pallbearers were carrying it.

Mortuary Confidential is a fun read but don't expect it to be a barrel of laughs. Three out of five stars.

[Montzalee Wittmann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mortuary Confidential: Undertakers Spill the Dirt
by Todd Harra, Ken McKenzie
I picked up the Audible version from the library and found this to be very interesting. Some of the stories were very touching, heartbreaking, and some inspiring. Others had some crazy situations! One I laughed pretty hard at! It was the story of the screaming dead body! Too funny!
As an ex ICU nurse, I have seen my share of death and been to plenty of funerals. But life as an Undertaker is hard work and they would have to come at all hours in all weather.
I enjoyed this book, I like books that have odd and interesting stories.

[Lori]

DNF 24%.

I checked out the bad reviews. I got the book anyway. I'm not at my best lately; is anyone? Congratulations if you are!

The book, by two mortuary owners?, tells other people's stories from the trade. All stories are anonymous; they're given stupid titles and the "person" is identified via ludicrous irrelevancies that start with "Contributed by" including "a Red Sox fan," "an entrepreneur" and "a Brazilian jiu-jitsu fighter." The reason I put "person" in quotes is because I don't believe there are any. If they are they're no one I want to know, their stories are boring and unbelievable and the telling, which I guess is down to the two authors, is awful.


I knew I should have stopped at the first one, which was the worst one, but I kept going till the scintillating story of a woman driving a van with four bodies in it who gets a flat tire. That's it. She fixes the flat. I think I paid 99 cents for this and boy do I feel ripped off.

The first "true" story in the book -- did I really read eight of them? I'm losing it even more than I thought -- is an egregious example of a short story told the long way round. It's ridiculous, inane and it rambles for six pages. Allow me to tell it in one sentence, which is more than it deserves:

Someone sits on the deceased man's body and the body screams -- only it turns out she really sat on the cat and broke its leg!
How not quirky! How not entertaining! 🤦‍♀️ Get it? Because dead bodies don't scream! Wow! Huh?

I was expecting anecdotes, not quality ones, my gawd not Caitlin Doughty let alone poet/undertaker Thomas Lynch, but something reasonable to distract and entertain. I hardly ever DNF but this is just poorly written, rambling b.s. that seems to have been inspired by the character in the film Airplane whose seatmates find ingenious ways to do away with themselves rather than hear one more word out of him.

[Kerrie Hoar · Rating 2 out of 5]

This compilation of stories from the funeral industry just didn't strike a cord with me.  I found it to be poorly written and the stories were often ones that I think would have been best kept to social hour at a mortuary worker's convention.  I got 3/4 of the way through and decided that it wasn't worth spending the time to finish it.

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Working around death has given me a greater appreciation for life, because everyday I have to face that final stage, while most people choose to ignore it."

I simply loved this collection of stories! 50 tales that range from deeply touching to the funnily awkward, it has it all. It's a peek behind the curtain, and who can resist that!

[Christine Cazeneuve · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just OK

I was expecting to learn more about the industry and as the title suggested some dirt. What I found were just short stories that were mostly just typical days at their office. There were a few that stood out and I really liked but for the most part this book didn't deliver the goods.

[Saturday's Child · Rating 2 out of 5]

The bright yellow cover with a black crow/raven on it, for me, this was the best part of this book. It felt like I was reading a collection of fiction stories written by a selected group of short story competition winners. Their subject brief was to write about the funeral industry but not make the story interesting.

[Cookie M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I guess you could call this one a "Chicken Soup For the Undertaker's Soul." It is a book of short nuggets of interest from people in the funeral industry, some funny, some odd, some emotionally touching, all designed t show that these are real folks doing a real job. They are not ghouls.
And despite the guy my sister and I had to deal with after my husband died who, I swear practiced his " I care for you" sad and understanding face in the mirror, most of them do a very good job.
The goofus we had, though, I kept looking around for the hidden cameras. I was sure they were filming an episode of some really weird reality tv show.
At one point my sister and I started laughing because he was so creepy.
Anyway, good book. I enjoyed it. I am not being embalmed, casketted or cremated, so I won't figure in a future edition of this book.

[Traci · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent read. Some entries are humorous, others brought tears to my eyes. Those who work in the industry really do see it all, and thankfully, most of them are the decent sort that just want to help others.

[April Cote · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting look into the lives of those who probably have the hardest and most underappreciated jobs out there.
Some of the stories are sad or touching. But most, are pretty damn funny. Because a job is a job, and no job is perfect or goes as planned. But in every story, there is pride, great respect and ultimately the desire of every person who works with our dearly departed, to give them and their loved ones a peaceful, beautiful final goodbye.
These are the short personal stories from the many who take care of your loved ones when they have died. And eventually, they will take care of us.

[Kai Van · Rating 2 out of 5]

based on these contributions, I'd guess somewhere around 20-30% of mortuary workers are ableist, fat/body shaming assholes. One of the stories did make me cry, it was so sweet, but ultimately this collection of "insight" was pretty meh. the cover made it seem like most of these stories would be funny or super entertaining. False.

some interesting ones dont make up for otherwise lackluster content. I'm overall disappointed.

[J. Lee Hazlett · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good palate-cleanser to indulge in between weightier reads. This book flows very smoothly despite having 50-odd contributors, and there is a good balance of funny, sad, and slightly eerie tales. It didn't change my life or anything, but it was an enjoyable and occasionally thought-provoking jaunt into the business of death.

[Diane Whittaker · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a light-hearted read full of funny adventures that have been experienced by undertakers. It was a nice break from some of my recent books. I enjoyed reading this book.

[Brenda Clough · Rating 2 out of 5]

This review originally appeared in the International Cemetery, Cremation & Funeral Magazine (www.iccfa.com)

There are a million stories in every business, and funerals are no exception. Mortuary Confidential: Undertakers Spill the Dirt, by Kenneth McKenzie and Todd Harra, is a collection of industry anecdotes. The authors – McKenzie is actually a funeral director, and Harra is from a family of undertakers -- interviewed people in the industry, aiming for stories that were either amusing or poignant.

The emphasis here is on funny. This book is full of disasters – catastrophic casket failure, disastrous removals, volcanic family members and mistaken identities. The funeral director who runs into the identical twin of the deceased at the viewing is a truly slapstick account. These are the kind of things that are so not funny when they happen to you, but reading about them safely after the fact is very entertaining. The authors ‘anonymized’ the stories, so that with luck nobody will recognize the participants and we can enjoy them with a pure heart.

Probably this is not suitable reading for a bereaved family, but readers of this magazine are indeed the target audience for this book. Reading it is like going to ICCFA’s Annual Convention but spending all your time in the bar, drink in hand, swapping stories with fellow FDs and cemeterians. Just keep the book at home!

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I seem to be drawn to things that are quirky, and this book is no exception. Mortuary Confidential offers a glimpse into the profession of funeral directors, those special men and women who feel called to the ministry of caring for the deceased and their bereaved loved ones. The vignettes are contributed by individuals across the country, who share a glimpse of their profession through recollections that are at once touching, funny, surprising and even sometimes downright embarrassing. (My favorite story: A sincere young intern who lives in a funeral home's upstairs apartment in exchange for answering the phone during nights/weekends drinks too much one night at a bar, meets a girl and invites her back to his place. She is in awe of the stately manor he calls home, until it dawns on her where she is because someone accidentally left the embalming room door open...and much screaming ensues.)

[Wildmaven · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mortuary Confidential should've been a fantastic read had it been the compilation of experiences by a single mortician. However, this is a group of stories told by many, many prior mortuary workers, most of whom it appears it was not their calling, as evidenced by their bylines indicating totally different jobs. I would be more interested in a lifetime of experience, rather than the "omg, we went into some person's house to collect a body and their cat meowed making me scared." Really? Several of the stories made me cringe at the unprofessional attitudes shown. It's probably a good thing they went on to other fields of work. The writing style, due to multiple authors, is all over the place, too, making for a clunky read.

[Jean · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book of tales from mortuaries. It was definitely more “slice-of-life” than I originally anticipated, by which I mean a lot of the stories didn’t have anything monumental happen in them, but I kind of liked that. Some were funny, some were sad and all of them gave a glimpse into the life of an undertaker.

[Alixandra Welch · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is probably not for everyone. I found it hilarious but also thoughtful and tastefully done. My father worked at a funeral home and would come home with stories like this. It felt like a conversation with my Dad.

[J · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book warrants only a 1/2 star......

[Cathryn Conroy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once you get over the "ew!" factor, this is a captivating look at the funeral home industry written in essay form by dozens of people who work in it.

They're the ones who get the middle-of-the-night phone calls to retrieve a body. They're the ones who embalm and dress your loved one. They're the ones who comfort the bereaved. They're the ones who direct the funerals, managing a plethora of details so we don't have to think about that in our grief-stricken state. They are the heroes—largely ignored and unsung—in our worst times.

Edited and compiled by Kenneth McKenzie and Todd Harra, both of whom are funeral home directors, this book will satisfy your curiosity about what goes on behind the closed doors and in the basements of funeral homes nationwide. In addition to being informative, the essays are also hilarious (believe it or not), astonishing, curious, irreverent, disturbing, heartbreaking, and even happy. And while the dead don't complain, their families are another matter.

Here is a sample. Find out:
• Why a seasoned funeral director screamed in terror when he picked up the body of an elderly gentleman—and the somewhat humorous event that caused the scare.

• The shock a funeral director received when a decedent's identical twin brother walked into the wake (unintentionally) wearing identical clothes as the man in the casket.

• When a woman dies, gravity pushes her breasts to the side of her body. Find out the ingenious solution to this "sagging" problem so she will look proper in her casket.

• Find out the danger some funeral directors are in—from knockdown, dragged out fist fights to an old west-style shootout outside a Roman Catholic church holding a funeral.

• Funeral home apprentices often live in rent-free in apartments on the premises in exchange for taking the middle-of-the-night death calls. Find out how these folks balance these unusual abodes with dating, including one story of an Ohio State student who flipped out when the man she met at a bar took her "home."

• This made me tear up: The father of a funeral home director, who was himself a funeral home director, recalls World War II memories of tagging and burying the dead in graves in France far from their homes and families in the United States.

• Do you believe in ghosts? You will after you read the final essay in this book. Skeptical? Put it this way: It's impossible NOT to believe after you hear this story!

While some of this book is macabre and occasionally disgusting, it is the kind of compelling inside information you're unlikely to get anywhere else. Each essay is a gripping story about a necessary but hidden part of life, giving you a peek behind that very private curtain. Once I started reading, I had a hard time putting it down!

Bonus: A portion of the proceeds from this book are donated to the KAMM Cares Foundation to help women battling breast cancer.

[France-Andrée · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funeral directors tells short stories about the different part of their work and how it affects their personal lives.

Some of the stories are funny, sad or nice lessons about life. I think my favorites were: 1) about a friendship that develops between a widow and the motorcyclist funeral director, it went way sadder than I thought and showed how deep and lasting a short friendship can be 2) about an older couple meeting a funeral director when one of their parent died and how they used his or her (I don’t remember) services throughout the years, when the husband died later on their is a beautiful moment between the widow and the undertaker 3) about a dead dog and its owner 4) about your chosen family and a bottle of wine. All the stories were interesting and I’ve been adding favorites every time I reread this paragraph so I have to stop.

I always been interested in funeral directors, I thought of going into this career when I was a teenager; I know now I didn’t have the right skillset for it and so am kind of thankful to my discouraging friends (they were right for the wrong reasons), but I am still fascinated by people that do this work.

[Rebecca Heilman · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting book. I picked it up for what I thought would be a humorous compilation of stories from folks who are closest to death, something that we as humans all have to collectively share and learn to cope with in our own ways. I was surprised to find some stories were more than just humor, and shared life lessons in thinking about how to process big emotions, things that feel like they don’t make sense, and to remember that even tragic moments can reveal opportunities for gratefulness, compassion, and strength. However, at times it felt like the writing droned on and on, almost like you were at a family gathering hearing the same “remember when” memory from a family member, when you were just trying to refresh your drink. I don’t think I would pick this up again nor read something else like it, but I appreciated the stories and could feel the authors passion for their trade, and commitment to getting these stories from their colleagues onto paper so others have some insight into their daily world, dealing with a topic that is something that many of us avoid to think about.

[Garrett Rowlan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first of two mortuary books I bought. The other, Down Among the Dead Men, I will review when I am finished reading it. It is a little more nuts and bolts--to pick a bad metaphor--about the undertaking business. This is more a collection of stories from real life morticians. You read about fistfights at funerals, someone buried with the drugs that killed him, and so forth. I didn't realize that being a mortician is a high-stress occupation, but of course I'm not surprised, being around death, sadness, and the often contentious family issues surrounding the death of a parent. Each individual story is introduced by a tagline in which the mortician is not identified as such but as someone who does something beside being a mortician: from a motorcycle rider, from a gardener, et cetera. The stories are short, readable, and sometimes grimly funny.

[Judith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read it on Hoopla. It's a fun read, not something to read in one sitting, but snippets you can pick up when you have just a few minutes.

This is their first book, but I read it after the second one "Over Our Dead Body."

Funeral directors are really regular people, with a specific calling to care for families during a loved one's death. This is a collection of stories from different funeral directors. It reminds me of Reader's Digest's All in A Day's Work - what goes on, the challenges, the accidents, the close calls, the ability to laugh at yourself. I now have a better appreciation of what funeral directors/morticians/undertakers do.

[Alicia · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 to be exact..

If you were to run into a group of funeral directors at a bar after a long day at a Funeral Directors conference, this would be the collection of stories they told around the table. The short stories vary between comical, creepy, mortifying, and beautiful. I ended up loaning this book from a different library system through ILL. I'll have to admit, it was hard finishing it considering my grandfather passed away while I was halfway into this book. The irony. This book was definitely fun to read though!

[Clare Bird · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why is the carpet wet Todd?! Jk, I had to go there. Alright Todd, I'll give Mortuary Confidential 4 out of 5 embalmed birds. Do you embalm birds or is that just taxidemery? Anyways, I really enjoy this collection of stories because I'm obsessed with death and funerals. There were many stories I laughed out loud and a few that made me want to bawl for the families. This was a quick and interesting read. Fun is relative I guess- but I thought it was fun to hear the interworking of that Mortuary life. On a scary level it was like a zero. I had purchased this one for like a $1.99 off BookBub.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I struggled to finish this book. I wanted to like it but it left me feeling icky. I was only 6 chapters in (which is only 30-some pages) by the time I just knew it was going to be a terrible read. It's full of misogyny, a little bit of racism, a ton of sexism, and just some really gross, outdated language.

I'm not one to usually attack a book so personally but this one should be a hard pass. Super glad it was a gift because I would not spend my own money on this one. Skip it and head for Caitlin Doughty.

[Liz Rice · Rating 2 out of 5]

I guess I did not realize it was 300 pages full of basically 50 magazine article sized “stories” - which equaled the 50 chapters. Each adequately, well written, just not my cup of tea.

And as an aside, I cannot tell you how many chapters re counted smokers and chainsmokers…. Which clearly indicated the age of some of the authors, haha

For what it’s worth, I refused to put it down and return it back to the library… Rather, I listened to it at 3.0 speed, just to get it done with.

Again, it wasn’t that it was awful, just not my cup of tea

[Tonya Vondersaar · Rating 5 out of 5]

They want people to be able to see the lifestyle of a mortician/undertaker, learn about the job, and tell stories about what goes on behind the scenes. It tells what the timeline looks like when morticians come into the picture. Deaths and embalming used to happen in the homes back in the day but then they were shifted into institutional care including nursing homes and hospitals. Now that there is hospice it is starting to move back to homes again. It tells all kinds of stories written by morticians or their families.

[Aquila · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've had this book for years, and this is either the second or third time I've tried to get through it. Finally!

While the business of death and dying is something I'm deeply interested in, this particular book is not particularly interesting. I've read numerous other titles that were more engaging, educational, and entertaining.

If you're just dipping your toe in, this might be an okay book to start out, but I found the earlier stories in the book to be so slow and dry that, as I mentioned earlier, I just stopped reading. This time around, I borrowed a copy of the audiobook from the library on Libby, and that helped me finish.

None of the stories were uproariously funny, but they do get a little better as the book continues on. The book wasn't horrible overall, but it wasn't nearly as fascinating or satisfying as other titles I've read with similar subject matter.