The Way They Were: Dealing with Your Parents' Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage

by Brooke Lea Foster

How to deal with your parents’ divorce when you’re not a kid anymore

As the divorce rate soars among the baby-boomer generation, more and more people in their twenties and thirties are being faced with the divorce of their parents, and few resources exist to help them cope with their unique circumstances. Written by an award-winning journalist who has lived through her own parents’ midlife divorce, this practical, comforting guide includes advice on:

• How to help your parents without getting caught in the middle

• How to have tough conversations with your parents about money, property, and inheritance—theirs and yours

• How to understand the complexities of infidelity and stepfamilies

• How to rebuild relationships with each parent after the divorce


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Personal Development

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 24, 2006

About the author

Brooke Lea Foster is an award-winning journalist whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Boston Globe, People, PARADE, Parents, Psychology Today, Washingtonian,and The Atlantic, among others.

Reviews

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who is in the midst of dealing with her parents' divorce, just the fact that this book exists made me feel less alone. As another reviewer said, it's a bit like sitting in a support group, which is kind of what I needed. I definitely found myself skimming over things that weren't really relevant to me, and I'm not a huge fan of the writing style, but I'm still grateful that this book exists. For those of us who feel lost and alone trying to deal with a parental divorce, this book is definitely a first step to helping us finally feel connected to others out there who have gone through some of what we are going through.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hate that I had to read this book, but I am so grateful for it. Definitely helped me process emotions and fears I haven’t come to terms with yet, and it made me feel less alone. It’s a very thorough and practical book, and thankfully some chapters weren’t relevant. I’m still too angry/hurt/afraid/etc to appreciate the more optimistic parts (and let’s be honest, my parents are *old*, we might not get a “happy 10 years later”) but it’s nice to think about.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could only get 1/3 of the way through. I really liked the author's perspective and observations and wanted to continue reading, but it is too painful for me to read at this time. I felt it triggering things in me that were a little too much to deal with from my own experiences. I think this book would be great to read further along in my healing. Sometimes, the author is a bit too negative in her descriptions. I skimmed ahead and found she was a bit more positive near the end, though.

[Dflaum · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would highly recommend this book for someone dealing with divorcing parents as an adult. It highlights all the challenges that adult children face through the whole process. She hits a wide variety of situations; some chapters didn't really apply, but others were exactly what I needed to read. The book also provided a good forewarning of walls you might face later on in the process and how to take them on. Overall this book is a great help for overcoming this difficult life event.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

The ONLY book out there that deals with parents divorcing in your adulthood. Would have liked it to include info about grandkids, and how to talk with them about their grandparents divorcing.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 1 out of 5]

A staff writer for the Washingtonian, Foster wastes an opportunity to address the divorce of an adult’s parents constructively; instead, she offers up excessive whining and stir-absorption seated in her difficult experiences with her own parents’ divorce. Though in her late twenties at the time of the book’s writing, she still identifies herself as a child: “I realized how much I still leaned on my parents emotionally…. I wasn’t as independent as I thought.” With this mindset, Foster cannot make a distinction between the institutions of marriage and parenthood, which results in a grating inability to recognize parents as human beings with evolving needs. Foster’s thoughtlessness compounds the issue: parental splits are equated with death or detecting a lump in one’s breast; drained inheritances and lost college money count among a list of hurts. What remains is verbose, bitter grief and banal observation, (e.g., “Listening to our parents’ problems can be draining”). Not recommended. Stick with Constance Ahrons’s We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce or Stephanie Staal’s The Love They Lost: Living with the Legacy of Our Parents' Divorce.

Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[Denis Haskin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm one of the divorced parents whose divorce this book is trying to help adult children deal with.

This was incredibly painful to read. I can imagine it is hundred times more for the intended primary audience.

But it was very, very informative for me. In a sense there wasn't anything in here that my therapists haven't already talked about, but seeing it all in print, and in particular addressed to the adult children... I think/hope it would be useful to adult children of divorce. (Took off one star because it is a little heavy on the anecdotes.)

[Kristi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I would have found this book when my parents were divorcing seven years ago. Reading about Brooke's experiences and the experiences of those she interviewed took me back to what the experience was like for me as a 28 year old single woman. I definitely recommend this book to any adult whose parents are divorcing. I found that experience very lonely and this book reminded me that there are many of us out there.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

If your parents are going through a divorce and you are dealing with it as an adult, then this book will help you place your own experience in the context of others who went through similar things: It made me feel like all the emotions and thoughts I have are normal and that things will get better with time or with some properly aimed actions. Well worth a read.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t have the words to describe the importance of this book. I hope they put it back into print - it was hard to track down! It is wise and healing and affirming and every adult child of divorce would benefit from reading it.

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The information presented was interesting coming from an adult child of divorce.

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

a lot of really helpful stuff. will delve deeper eventually.

[Rachael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful.

[Nora · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only book of its kind as far as I know.

[Hayl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good and insightful book. I had a lot of "ah-ha!" moments while reading this and finding words to describe my feelings about my parents and family. Now, to track down a copy...

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is heavily anecdotal, without drawing very many insights or conclusions. This makes it a little tedious, like sitting through a support group where everyone else is droning on about their story and you never get to tell yours. Still, it's an important book on an important subject and since there aren't too many actual support groups out there for this, if you are in this situation, you should read this book.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

For adults with divorcing parents, this is it! I swear I went from despair to a-lot-less-despair in one reading. Written recently by a 30-ish relatable daughter who helps the reader get to know her own family's story, this book realistically covers most of the major drama for adult children of divorce. I didn't exactly giggle, but it was healing and heartening to hear what people our age go through and know what to expect when parents split up. My highest recommendations!

[Cat · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are an adult child of divorce (meaning your parents recently split while you were an adult). you NEED to get this book. This has been the ONLY thing that has helped me through my parents divorce! The entire book is like reading your own diary. You aren't alone!

[Lindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

practical suggestions; empathetic. a good self-help if you're into that kind of thing...

[Amy Ingles · Rating 5 out of 5]

one of the 2 existing books on this topic. it is really insightful, and it helps to know you are not the only one out there.