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She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up
What if the goal of raising a Christian girl was about more than keeping her virginity intact? What if it was about raising a strong, independent young woman who knows who she is, uses her voice, and confidently steps into the life God has for her?
From the authors of The Great Sex Rescue comes this evidence-based book grounded on surveys of over 28,000 women to offer moms a fresh, freeing, and biblically grounded message of sexuality and self-worth for their daughters that is less about the don'ts and more about the dos .
This isn't your average parenting no pat answers or overly broad principles here. No cliché prescriptives or toxic teachings that your daughter will have to unpack and recover from as an adult, like so many of us have. Instead, you'll find data-driven insights about how to raise a woman who is resilient, knows her strength, and has the discernment skills needed to make good choices. By reframing (and sometimes replacing) common evangelical messages to teen girls, this book will equip you to raise a girl who can navigate the difficult waters of growing up while still clinging tight to the God who created her on purpose, for a purpose.
From the authors of The Great Sex Rescue comes this evidence-based book grounded on surveys of over 28,000 women to offer moms a fresh, freeing, and biblically grounded message of sexuality and self-worth for their daughters that is less about the don'ts and more about the dos .
This isn't your average parenting no pat answers or overly broad principles here. No cliché prescriptives or toxic teachings that your daughter will have to unpack and recover from as an adult, like so many of us have. Instead, you'll find data-driven insights about how to raise a woman who is resilient, knows her strength, and has the discernment skills needed to make good choices. By reframing (and sometimes replacing) common evangelical messages to teen girls, this book will equip you to raise a girl who can navigate the difficult waters of growing up while still clinging tight to the God who created her on purpose, for a purpose.
288 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 18, 2023
486 people are currently reading
7158 people want to read
About the author
Sheila Wray Gregoire
28 books740 followersSheila Wray Gregoire is an award-winning author of 9 books, including the ground-breaking Great Sex Rescue, and founder of BareMarriage.com. She's passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex to something that is mutual, initimate, and pleasurable for both. She heads up a team of researchers who want to bring evidence-based, healthy advice to evangelicalism when it comes to relationships. Sheila lives in Belleville, Ontario, with her husband Keith. They are the parents of two adult daughters.
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March 9, 2023
My endorsement for this book:
"As a psychologist, I am confident in this book's sound research, evidenced-based teachings, and emotionally healthy advice. And as a mother of a girl, I am looking forward to reading this with my daughter to create new teachings for her as I reconstruct them myself."
You will find healing in the authors’ deconstruction of the purity culture books from your teen years. Make reading this a part of your reparenting journey.
"As a psychologist, I am confident in this book's sound research, evidenced-based teachings, and emotionally healthy advice. And as a mother of a girl, I am looking forward to reading this with my daughter to create new teachings for her as I reconstruct them myself."
You will find healing in the authors’ deconstruction of the purity culture books from your teen years. Make reading this a part of your reparenting journey.
January 30, 2023
***Edited***
Thank you to Baker Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read this ARC of She Deserves Better by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky. She Deserves Better will release April 18, 2023. My thoughts are my own.
There’s a trio in town determined to turn traditional Christian thought upside down and inside out. Meet Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky, the authors behind The Great Sex Rescue and the soon to be released She Deserves Better.
With the subtitle “Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self and Speaking Up”, She Deserves Better looks to provide a new and improved way to approach how the authors feel the conservative church at large--as well as popular voices in conservative media--has failed our youth in the area of identity and sexuality, stemming largely since the 1990s with the introduction of purity culture.
Now, before you write me that I’m completely missing the point, that this book is supposed to cross the aisle of conservative and progressive Christianity, let me remind you that the pages of this book are filled with illustration after illustration of ways that conservative women are at a disadvantage to more progressive women. For instance, conservative Christian women are more likely to be in a power hierarchy marriage with husband as the head of the wife, conservative Christian teens are at a higher risk for unplanned pregnancy, conservative Christian teens are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior…the list goes on and on. Some of their statements are so mind-boggling and stem from leading questions that I wish I could actually see the survey questions. In fact, I would go so far to say that most of this book leads to the reader to the points the authors write, instead of providing credible evidence.
She Deserves Better is written to ruffle feathers; it certainly ruffled mine. While not surprising, given how relative culture has become, I am disappointed that they have disparaged conservative Christian values to the point of making the term “conservative Christian values” distasteful, bigoted and obsolete.
Let’s talk about the premise of the book. Utilizing surveys across the wide range of church goers and critiquing a variety of modern authors and influencers, She Deserves Better works through what the authors consider to be the 10 most important points to pass on to our daughters and to fight back against in the church. Plus, as stated by the authors themselves, their goal is to root out risks within the church and not outside; I think the biggest concern facing our youth today is a continued degradation of Christian traditions, absolute truth and true Biblical knowledge. (Being able to cherry pick passages from the Bible don’t equate to true Biblical knowledge.)
Let’s talk about who they disagree with: Joshua Harris from his I Kissed Dating Goodbye days, Focus on the Family, Focus on the Family’s Brio Magazine, Mama Bear Apologetics, Gary Thomas, Allie B Stuckey, BarlowGirl, Dannah Gresh, Elisabeth Elliott, Stephen Arterburn, Shaunti Feldmam, Emerson Eggerichs and Eric and Leslie Ludy, all people who largely write and speak from a conservative Christian platform.
I have many issues with this book, honestly, too many to provide in this review:
1) While the authors warn against strictly black and white thinking in the areas they present, I find them using the same black and white thinking to get their points across, especially when recanting the values and words of the authors and influencers they disagree with
2) They use Biblical references to their advantage while missing key points of the story: in their retelling of Esther, while they mention that she “[risked her life]” they never say how she risked her life. For a refresher, before she went on to save her people, she showed deference to her husband, the King, who could have had her killed for entering the throne room without being requested. This doesn’t quite fit with their model and so they left this out.
3) In the section, “There’s only one right way to be a Christian”, they criticize doctrine in the church as a way to know the status of someone’s Christianity, pointing to Matthew 7:20 and John 13:35 as ways to know if someone is a follower of Christ. It’s only after they criticize this that they admit to believing Ephesians 2:8-9 and I John 1:9. And funny enough, they point to James 2, referring to the verse that talks about faith without works being dead, which is a favorite to several works-based religions.
4) They offer the suggestion that modern Christian teenage books and resources are inordinately geared to teen girls’ sexuality, making the bold statement that only in secular resources will you find subjects outside of this topic.
5) They have progressive views of marriage, disparaging courtship, Biblical hierarchy and respect.
6) They applaud sex ed, state that that 40% of teens will have sex, object to messages on purity and deny the presence of soul ties.
7) The message of not even starting down that road is pedantic.
8) They equate Christian conservative thoughts on sexuality as being permissive to force and rape.
9) They object to messages of modesty.
10) They state that in conservative churches, teenage girls are being taught that they are responsible for men’s sins because of the way that they dress and that women’s bodies are dangerous.
I wish I could explicate the above in more detail. This review would become even longer, so it's probably not the platform. But I do find it egregious that the authors want to use this book to expose conservative Christian churches as the problem. And while I do believe there is definitely false teaching that takes place in churches, it certainly doesn't just exist in conservative churches.
Conversations about how we have failed to reach the hearts of generations of kids need to take place but never in a way that makes sexual behavior permissive, And instead of pointing the the finger at churches and church staff and saying that are too blame, let us also remember that our culture has continued to push the limits on these subjects; instead of rushing in and lowering the standard to match the culture, we should always go back to the Bible where the standard remains the same. Of course grace should abound where mistakes happen. Because we are all sinners in need of a savior.
This in no way condones any reprehensible behavior by anyone. There are predators out there, and it is important to have conversations with our daughters and sons on what to look out for, and we have a duty to protect our kids. But the limit pushing does not stop with our children. More and more is being seen as acceptable. Let's talk about the p*orn epidemic and the staggering statistics of viewers in the church. If we have failed our teenage girls, we have likewise failed our teenage boys and men in how to effectively deal with this issue. More and more resources are becoming available so let's promote them.
From my vantage point, as a teen in the purity culture movement of the 90s and someone who is well-read in Christian living resources, my bottom line is this: Gregoire, Lindenbach and Sawatsky came out of purity culture jaded and disillusioned, finding the messages of conservative Christian thought in this area archaic and patriarchal and even going so far as to say that messages condoning inappropriate, unwanted and forced behavior are a phenomenon only seen in the conservative church, creating an absolutism without acknowledging that there is a sin problem everywhere. Instead of writing about how to fix these shortcomings, they have thrown the baby out with the bath water and created a divisive, progressive manifesto to align with the ever changing culture, instead of going back to the Bible as their guidepost for living. They might masquerade their message behind Biblical passages, but many seem cherry picked (with key passages on marriage left out) or out of context.
When She Deserves Better releases on April 18, 2023, it is going to make waves in the Christian community. It will be interesting to see if Focus on the Family, Allie B Stuckey and others interview the authors, especially after disparaging them en masse.
Thank you to Baker Books and NetGalley for allowing me to read this ARC of She Deserves Better by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky. She Deserves Better will release April 18, 2023. My thoughts are my own.
There’s a trio in town determined to turn traditional Christian thought upside down and inside out. Meet Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky, the authors behind The Great Sex Rescue and the soon to be released She Deserves Better.
With the subtitle “Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self and Speaking Up”, She Deserves Better looks to provide a new and improved way to approach how the authors feel the conservative church at large--as well as popular voices in conservative media--has failed our youth in the area of identity and sexuality, stemming largely since the 1990s with the introduction of purity culture.
Now, before you write me that I’m completely missing the point, that this book is supposed to cross the aisle of conservative and progressive Christianity, let me remind you that the pages of this book are filled with illustration after illustration of ways that conservative women are at a disadvantage to more progressive women. For instance, conservative Christian women are more likely to be in a power hierarchy marriage with husband as the head of the wife, conservative Christian teens are at a higher risk for unplanned pregnancy, conservative Christian teens are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior…the list goes on and on. Some of their statements are so mind-boggling and stem from leading questions that I wish I could actually see the survey questions. In fact, I would go so far to say that most of this book leads to the reader to the points the authors write, instead of providing credible evidence.
She Deserves Better is written to ruffle feathers; it certainly ruffled mine. While not surprising, given how relative culture has become, I am disappointed that they have disparaged conservative Christian values to the point of making the term “conservative Christian values” distasteful, bigoted and obsolete.
Let’s talk about the premise of the book. Utilizing surveys across the wide range of church goers and critiquing a variety of modern authors and influencers, She Deserves Better works through what the authors consider to be the 10 most important points to pass on to our daughters and to fight back against in the church. Plus, as stated by the authors themselves, their goal is to root out risks within the church and not outside; I think the biggest concern facing our youth today is a continued degradation of Christian traditions, absolute truth and true Biblical knowledge. (Being able to cherry pick passages from the Bible don’t equate to true Biblical knowledge.)
Let’s talk about who they disagree with: Joshua Harris from his I Kissed Dating Goodbye days, Focus on the Family, Focus on the Family’s Brio Magazine, Mama Bear Apologetics, Gary Thomas, Allie B Stuckey, BarlowGirl, Dannah Gresh, Elisabeth Elliott, Stephen Arterburn, Shaunti Feldmam, Emerson Eggerichs and Eric and Leslie Ludy, all people who largely write and speak from a conservative Christian platform.
I have many issues with this book, honestly, too many to provide in this review:
1) While the authors warn against strictly black and white thinking in the areas they present, I find them using the same black and white thinking to get their points across, especially when recanting the values and words of the authors and influencers they disagree with
2) They use Biblical references to their advantage while missing key points of the story: in their retelling of Esther, while they mention that she “[risked her life]” they never say how she risked her life. For a refresher, before she went on to save her people, she showed deference to her husband, the King, who could have had her killed for entering the throne room without being requested. This doesn’t quite fit with their model and so they left this out.
3) In the section, “There’s only one right way to be a Christian”, they criticize doctrine in the church as a way to know the status of someone’s Christianity, pointing to Matthew 7:20 and John 13:35 as ways to know if someone is a follower of Christ. It’s only after they criticize this that they admit to believing Ephesians 2:8-9 and I John 1:9. And funny enough, they point to James 2, referring to the verse that talks about faith without works being dead, which is a favorite to several works-based religions.
4) They offer the suggestion that modern Christian teenage books and resources are inordinately geared to teen girls’ sexuality, making the bold statement that only in secular resources will you find subjects outside of this topic.
5) They have progressive views of marriage, disparaging courtship, Biblical hierarchy and respect.
6) They applaud sex ed, state that that 40% of teens will have sex, object to messages on purity and deny the presence of soul ties.
7) The message of not even starting down that road is pedantic.
8) They equate Christian conservative thoughts on sexuality as being permissive to force and rape.
9) They object to messages of modesty.
10) They state that in conservative churches, teenage girls are being taught that they are responsible for men’s sins because of the way that they dress and that women’s bodies are dangerous.
I wish I could explicate the above in more detail. This review would become even longer, so it's probably not the platform. But I do find it egregious that the authors want to use this book to expose conservative Christian churches as the problem. And while I do believe there is definitely false teaching that takes place in churches, it certainly doesn't just exist in conservative churches.
Conversations about how we have failed to reach the hearts of generations of kids need to take place but never in a way that makes sexual behavior permissive, And instead of pointing the the finger at churches and church staff and saying that are too blame, let us also remember that our culture has continued to push the limits on these subjects; instead of rushing in and lowering the standard to match the culture, we should always go back to the Bible where the standard remains the same. Of course grace should abound where mistakes happen. Because we are all sinners in need of a savior.
This in no way condones any reprehensible behavior by anyone. There are predators out there, and it is important to have conversations with our daughters and sons on what to look out for, and we have a duty to protect our kids. But the limit pushing does not stop with our children. More and more is being seen as acceptable. Let's talk about the p*orn epidemic and the staggering statistics of viewers in the church. If we have failed our teenage girls, we have likewise failed our teenage boys and men in how to effectively deal with this issue. More and more resources are becoming available so let's promote them.
From my vantage point, as a teen in the purity culture movement of the 90s and someone who is well-read in Christian living resources, my bottom line is this: Gregoire, Lindenbach and Sawatsky came out of purity culture jaded and disillusioned, finding the messages of conservative Christian thought in this area archaic and patriarchal and even going so far as to say that messages condoning inappropriate, unwanted and forced behavior are a phenomenon only seen in the conservative church, creating an absolutism without acknowledging that there is a sin problem everywhere. Instead of writing about how to fix these shortcomings, they have thrown the baby out with the bath water and created a divisive, progressive manifesto to align with the ever changing culture, instead of going back to the Bible as their guidepost for living. They might masquerade their message behind Biblical passages, but many seem cherry picked (with key passages on marriage left out) or out of context.
When She Deserves Better releases on April 18, 2023, it is going to make waves in the Christian community. It will be interesting to see if Focus on the Family, Allie B Stuckey and others interview the authors, especially after disparaging them en masse.
March 4, 2023
Thank you to NetGalley, the publisher, the authors for this ARC.
After reading (and then recommending to nearly every married couple I know) Sheila Gregory’s first book “The Great Sex Rescue”, I was very excited for this book and the opportunity to read and review it.
But I wasn’t prepared for how the book would address false teaching I received on emotions, mental health, and even parenting.
At the end of each chapter there’s a mother/daughter section where you can talk through some scenarios and “tricky teaching” together. It’s really nice the authors included it right in the book. And having experienced the harm done by NOT having difficult conversations, this is great way to be led and not do it on your own.
One criticism I have of the book, is that it is only addressed to Moms raising daughters, not parents raising daughters. It puts this onus of parenting on 1 shoulder instead of spread on both parents. Sure I’m usually the one my daughters asks for my pads during her period, but my husband is AWARE of those needs, capable of helping, and my daughter isn’t afraid or embarrassed to ask him for help.
I think the same can be said of these types of conversations, it’s most likely to come from me, but Dad’s should have the same teaching so both parents can be on the same page.
I’d love to see a book written towards teenage boys that THEY deserve better than the assumption that they are sexual predators who can’t be stopped and that this is “every man’s battle”.
The authors have issues with popular evangelical purity culture teachers like Elisabeth Elliot, Dana Gresh, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. They disagree and point out harmful teaching without insulting who they are as humans.
Honestly there are too many quotes that are powerful. If you have a daughter or are around teenagers you should read this book.
After reading (and then recommending to nearly every married couple I know) Sheila Gregory’s first book “The Great Sex Rescue”, I was very excited for this book and the opportunity to read and review it.
But I wasn’t prepared for how the book would address false teaching I received on emotions, mental health, and even parenting.
At the end of each chapter there’s a mother/daughter section where you can talk through some scenarios and “tricky teaching” together. It’s really nice the authors included it right in the book. And having experienced the harm done by NOT having difficult conversations, this is great way to be led and not do it on your own.
One criticism I have of the book, is that it is only addressed to Moms raising daughters, not parents raising daughters. It puts this onus of parenting on 1 shoulder instead of spread on both parents. Sure I’m usually the one my daughters asks for my pads during her period, but my husband is AWARE of those needs, capable of helping, and my daughter isn’t afraid or embarrassed to ask him for help.
I think the same can be said of these types of conversations, it’s most likely to come from me, but Dad’s should have the same teaching so both parents can be on the same page.
I’d love to see a book written towards teenage boys that THEY deserve better than the assumption that they are sexual predators who can’t be stopped and that this is “every man’s battle”.
The authors have issues with popular evangelical purity culture teachers like Elisabeth Elliot, Dana Gresh, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. They disagree and point out harmful teaching without insulting who they are as humans.
Honestly there are too many quotes that are powerful. If you have a daughter or are around teenagers you should read this book.
April 18, 2023
I was excited to read this book and need to say thank-you to NetGalley for the ARC of this book. All opinions are my own.
I continue to be a big fan of this team after reading The Great Sex rescue. I knew they would hit this one out of the park.
TL;DR If you are a Christian and have a daughter, grand daughter, niece, or other girl you care about in your life (or you’re not a Christian but have one of these being raised in the church!), if you are a pastor, a youth leader, or you lead a small group of teen girls or preteens, you need to read this book and make sure you’re not setting up the young women in your influence to have unhealthy marriages, abusive relationships or to blame themselves for any sexual abuse they encounter through any misguided teaching you give them. (Because it’s rampant in my generation!)
I start every book believing it to be 5 stars until the author gives me a reason not to and then sometimes I adjust it back up by the end if they redeem it.
I bumped this one down at first in my head because I thought this was going to be a mother-daughter study guide work-book style. And it’s really not. It’s not even one I would read out loud to a young teen and then do the follow up work together. (And I think they should actually do this as a companion book now that I’ve finished). Though it does have some great discussion questions for mothers and daughters at the end of each chapter.
So then I couldn’t figure out why it was targeting mothers. Shouldn’t it be for parents? It was feeling a little sexist. So 4 stars it was going to be.
But as the book went on I began to understand.
Gregoire and team needed to reach a generation of mothers who received some really terrible teaching and then show them how to reverse it when it came time to teach their own girls. We’re literally being cycle breakers here. So though there is no harm in men reading it and having discussions with their daughters (in fact please do!), for mothers, this is undoing a whole bunch of damage we grew up with and giving us a new script to work off of. So it becomes important that it’s written to them.
Each chapter looks at truths that our girls need to know to develop a healthy view of not only sex but also themselves as women, their relationships and their calling in the Christian community (and it’s not just to “protect” men!). And the theme through it all is she deserves better than what we were all taught. There is a better, more God-honouring way than the church has been teaching for years and it’s here in this book.
I appreciate that they don’t shy away from some of the theological hot-topics. And for those from very conservative and complimentarian churches there will be some things to struggle with. They don’t tell you how to think but they do show you how to look for rotten fruit (and you may be surprised to find some teaching you’ve been believing isn’t actually in the Bible!). There are some things we can’t continue to eat and say that it’s good. Get ready to wrestle it out! Gods not afraid of our questions.
I appreciate that this book allows for nuance. It allows for conversations of striving for God’s best and framing it that way properly. It is not a list of arbitrary rules but instead gives girls agency to choose. I love that it reminds girls that consent is important. And it calls out sin when it actually is, within the framework of the Bible, and not just as a weight that girls carry for the boys around them.
I finished this book feeling a freedom for this generation of girls that I never had growing up. I’m so excited that the church has finally had its eyes opened to the actual framework that the Bible shows us, not just the opinions of Focus on the Family (can we PLEASE stop thinking they are of any credible value?!). I’m excited to give my girls the “better” that they deserve. And that’s why it gets 5 stars from me.
I continue to be a big fan of this team after reading The Great Sex rescue. I knew they would hit this one out of the park.
TL;DR If you are a Christian and have a daughter, grand daughter, niece, or other girl you care about in your life (or you’re not a Christian but have one of these being raised in the church!), if you are a pastor, a youth leader, or you lead a small group of teen girls or preteens, you need to read this book and make sure you’re not setting up the young women in your influence to have unhealthy marriages, abusive relationships or to blame themselves for any sexual abuse they encounter through any misguided teaching you give them. (Because it’s rampant in my generation!)
I start every book believing it to be 5 stars until the author gives me a reason not to and then sometimes I adjust it back up by the end if they redeem it.
I bumped this one down at first in my head because I thought this was going to be a mother-daughter study guide work-book style. And it’s really not. It’s not even one I would read out loud to a young teen and then do the follow up work together. (And I think they should actually do this as a companion book now that I’ve finished). Though it does have some great discussion questions for mothers and daughters at the end of each chapter.
So then I couldn’t figure out why it was targeting mothers. Shouldn’t it be for parents? It was feeling a little sexist. So 4 stars it was going to be.
But as the book went on I began to understand.
Gregoire and team needed to reach a generation of mothers who received some really terrible teaching and then show them how to reverse it when it came time to teach their own girls. We’re literally being cycle breakers here. So though there is no harm in men reading it and having discussions with their daughters (in fact please do!), for mothers, this is undoing a whole bunch of damage we grew up with and giving us a new script to work off of. So it becomes important that it’s written to them.
Each chapter looks at truths that our girls need to know to develop a healthy view of not only sex but also themselves as women, their relationships and their calling in the Christian community (and it’s not just to “protect” men!). And the theme through it all is she deserves better than what we were all taught. There is a better, more God-honouring way than the church has been teaching for years and it’s here in this book.
I appreciate that they don’t shy away from some of the theological hot-topics. And for those from very conservative and complimentarian churches there will be some things to struggle with. They don’t tell you how to think but they do show you how to look for rotten fruit (and you may be surprised to find some teaching you’ve been believing isn’t actually in the Bible!). There are some things we can’t continue to eat and say that it’s good. Get ready to wrestle it out! Gods not afraid of our questions.
I appreciate that this book allows for nuance. It allows for conversations of striving for God’s best and framing it that way properly. It is not a list of arbitrary rules but instead gives girls agency to choose. I love that it reminds girls that consent is important. And it calls out sin when it actually is, within the framework of the Bible, and not just as a weight that girls carry for the boys around them.
I finished this book feeling a freedom for this generation of girls that I never had growing up. I’m so excited that the church has finally had its eyes opened to the actual framework that the Bible shows us, not just the opinions of Focus on the Family (can we PLEASE stop thinking they are of any credible value?!). I’m excited to give my girls the “better” that they deserve. And that’s why it gets 5 stars from me.
May 11, 2023
This is a deeply hopeful and helpful reprogramming for all of us who absorbed a generation of Christian teachings for girls that were at best superficial and at worst devastating.
Read it if you have a daughter. Read it if you have a son. Read it if you have any opportunities to speak into a young woman’s life. Read it to comfort and reset your own heart.
“The quickest way to make your daughter run away from the faith is to show her that the Christian walk is all about being in the ‘right crowd’ rather than living a life characterized by radical transformation into the likeness of Jesus as we serve one another.
“Your daughter will meet many people in her life who do not agree with you, your church, or even your denomination but who also love Jesus. Will that be a challenge to her faith, or will it be a cause for celebration that she’s found good community among people of all stripes who love God?”
As in their other books, the authors conducted extensive analysis of popular Christian resources as well as using surveys and interviews to collect data.
I appreciate the careful approach. I didn’t read every word of every chart, but the visuals definitely help clarify the issues. One, for example, compared the most frequently used words in books aimed at teen girls with the most frequently used words in the New Testament. The inverse relationship was shocking.
Sex, tempt, virgin, lust, modest vs. Holy Spirit, gospel, kingdom of God, money, resurrection.
“The greatest commandment given to our girls is not that they keep their legs shut. The greatest commandment given to our girls is that they love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that they love their neighbor as themselves. … Through this book together, let’s remember our goal: to raise girls who live out of love rather than fear or pride. Brave, it turns out, is not just for boys.”
The authors tackle teaching related to sex and modesty but also topics such as sexism in the church and false narratives about girls. (Despite what you may have heard, for instance, statistics show the average number of words men and women use in a day is essentially the same.)
“If a girl believes she talks too much, she has internalized a message that her opinions and needs are an inconvenience to those around her. She’s been primed to refrain from speaking up – and it shows in the quality of her relationships.”
I loved the chapter on emotions and emotional “training wheels.”
“Her emotions may be inconvenient to your family life, frustrating when they seem out of proportion to reality, or heartbreaking when watching her feel so sad is killing you inside. Unfortunately, some of the ‘Christian’ messaging around emotions can actually make it harder for our daughters to express themselves, and harder for us to hear them.”
I’d never heard the exact phrases “toxic positivity” or “spiritual bypassing” – but I know I’ve experienced them and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of them.
“Many of the platitudes are well-meaning. Many even quote Scripture! But they all shut down empathy and don’t allow space for real intimacy and vulnerability. Every time we throw a platitude at our daughters when they’re confused, hurt, or anxious, we communicate to them that they don’t get to be heard, because it makes others uncomfortable.”
Prepare for an earworm experience if you, like me, sang the J.O.Y. acrostic song as a kid. And prepare to look at the song in a different light.
“As Christians, we are called to live sacrificial lives. We are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. But that does not mean that you matter *less* than your neighbor – it just means that you don’t act selfishly.”
Their exploration of the inadequacy of how we teach Christian girls about topics such as sex and consent and male responsibility is among the most important parts of the book, I think.
“We wait for sex out of wisdom and protection for ourselves and others, not because if you have sex you’ll get pregnant and die. Why has the church chosen this ‘No babies. Ever.’ message instead of a more nuanced discussion on emotional health and sex?”
Some of this book is hard to hear, hard to get your head around. You may not agree with every conclusion or even every criticism.
(As before, I greatly appreciate their effort to assume the best motives of others, even while sounding alarms about tricky teachings.)
Lean into the tough parts and hear them out. The girls in your life deserve better.
One more note: I love, love the mother-daughter sections at the end of each chapter. They include questions for both of you and scenarios to think through together, looking for Christ-centered ways to respond. I plan to work through them with my 13-year-old soon.
Read it if you have a daughter. Read it if you have a son. Read it if you have any opportunities to speak into a young woman’s life. Read it to comfort and reset your own heart.
“The quickest way to make your daughter run away from the faith is to show her that the Christian walk is all about being in the ‘right crowd’ rather than living a life characterized by radical transformation into the likeness of Jesus as we serve one another.
“Your daughter will meet many people in her life who do not agree with you, your church, or even your denomination but who also love Jesus. Will that be a challenge to her faith, or will it be a cause for celebration that she’s found good community among people of all stripes who love God?”
As in their other books, the authors conducted extensive analysis of popular Christian resources as well as using surveys and interviews to collect data.
I appreciate the careful approach. I didn’t read every word of every chart, but the visuals definitely help clarify the issues. One, for example, compared the most frequently used words in books aimed at teen girls with the most frequently used words in the New Testament. The inverse relationship was shocking.
Sex, tempt, virgin, lust, modest vs. Holy Spirit, gospel, kingdom of God, money, resurrection.
“The greatest commandment given to our girls is not that they keep their legs shut. The greatest commandment given to our girls is that they love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that they love their neighbor as themselves. … Through this book together, let’s remember our goal: to raise girls who live out of love rather than fear or pride. Brave, it turns out, is not just for boys.”
The authors tackle teaching related to sex and modesty but also topics such as sexism in the church and false narratives about girls. (Despite what you may have heard, for instance, statistics show the average number of words men and women use in a day is essentially the same.)
“If a girl believes she talks too much, she has internalized a message that her opinions and needs are an inconvenience to those around her. She’s been primed to refrain from speaking up – and it shows in the quality of her relationships.”
I loved the chapter on emotions and emotional “training wheels.”
“Her emotions may be inconvenient to your family life, frustrating when they seem out of proportion to reality, or heartbreaking when watching her feel so sad is killing you inside. Unfortunately, some of the ‘Christian’ messaging around emotions can actually make it harder for our daughters to express themselves, and harder for us to hear them.”
I’d never heard the exact phrases “toxic positivity” or “spiritual bypassing” – but I know I’ve experienced them and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of them.
“Many of the platitudes are well-meaning. Many even quote Scripture! But they all shut down empathy and don’t allow space for real intimacy and vulnerability. Every time we throw a platitude at our daughters when they’re confused, hurt, or anxious, we communicate to them that they don’t get to be heard, because it makes others uncomfortable.”
Prepare for an earworm experience if you, like me, sang the J.O.Y. acrostic song as a kid. And prepare to look at the song in a different light.
“As Christians, we are called to live sacrificial lives. We are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. But that does not mean that you matter *less* than your neighbor – it just means that you don’t act selfishly.”
Their exploration of the inadequacy of how we teach Christian girls about topics such as sex and consent and male responsibility is among the most important parts of the book, I think.
“We wait for sex out of wisdom and protection for ourselves and others, not because if you have sex you’ll get pregnant and die. Why has the church chosen this ‘No babies. Ever.’ message instead of a more nuanced discussion on emotional health and sex?”
Some of this book is hard to hear, hard to get your head around. You may not agree with every conclusion or even every criticism.
(As before, I greatly appreciate their effort to assume the best motives of others, even while sounding alarms about tricky teachings.)
Lean into the tough parts and hear them out. The girls in your life deserve better.
One more note: I love, love the mother-daughter sections at the end of each chapter. They include questions for both of you and scenarios to think through together, looking for Christ-centered ways to respond. I plan to work through them with my 13-year-old soon.
July 6, 2023
Written as an eye-opener to the teachings of purity culture and other similar popular teachings, this book does have some merit, but I found it lacking in many ways and even dangerous to those who may be hurt by false teaching and may become easily entrenched in errant ideas as they attempt to be rid of the previous bad ideas. The concept of using the surveys to determine how an idea affects people over time was interesting and informative but should not be used to determine beliefs or the validity of doctrine. The idea of what was considered toxic was pre-determined and used in the surveys as if it was undeniable truth.
I did find several thought-provoking ways of looking at some traditionally-held beliefs that under scrutiny did not measure up to Scripture but were just man-made extrapolations of Scripture. It is always good to take anything that you are being taught and hold it up to the Bible to make sure it is correct. And this book did give me a more vigilant outlook on those who are interacting with youth around me.
I also appreciated the emphasis of the authors on open communication between mothers and daughters. This cannot be emphasized enough. But I would not just hand this book to my daughter. Not having been exposed to many of the bad concepts this book is written against, I think it could be confusing and troubling to some teenagers.
I also felt, especially toward the end, that the authors were biased toward feminism and these ideas permeated their conclusions even to the point of disregarding Scripture for what they felt was best for their daughters. Because of some churches and people who use Scripture incorrectly to get their way, the authors seemed to paint with a broader brush and not correctly seek the Scriptures to determine what is God's ideal plan and how it should be implemented.
Moms, if you choose to read this book, measure what is said by Scripture and read with discernment.
I did find several thought-provoking ways of looking at some traditionally-held beliefs that under scrutiny did not measure up to Scripture but were just man-made extrapolations of Scripture. It is always good to take anything that you are being taught and hold it up to the Bible to make sure it is correct. And this book did give me a more vigilant outlook on those who are interacting with youth around me.
I also appreciated the emphasis of the authors on open communication between mothers and daughters. This cannot be emphasized enough. But I would not just hand this book to my daughter. Not having been exposed to many of the bad concepts this book is written against, I think it could be confusing and troubling to some teenagers.
I also felt, especially toward the end, that the authors were biased toward feminism and these ideas permeated their conclusions even to the point of disregarding Scripture for what they felt was best for their daughters. Because of some churches and people who use Scripture incorrectly to get their way, the authors seemed to paint with a broader brush and not correctly seek the Scriptures to determine what is God's ideal plan and how it should be implemented.
Moms, if you choose to read this book, measure what is said by Scripture and read with discernment.
March 29, 2023
If you have a daughter, you should read this book. If you grew up in purity culture, you should read this book. Even if you find yourself not agreeing with every chapter, the education provided and conversations you will have from reading this book are worth it for your daughter’s sake and your own growth. I found this book challenging, healing, heartbreaking, sad, scary, and it’s left me with a deep conviction to evaluate my own life, church, and parenting.
With each chapter this book uniquely provides a problem, real examples, healing, solutions, and conversation starters for parents. Each chapter is accompanied with statistics to support their stance and provide justification of the need for change. More importantly the authors approach with love and compassion towards the victims (who often don’t even realize they are victims). This book dreams of what life should be for our daughters and demands readers to open their eyes to what’s been okay, encouraged, and even the norm. The authors touch on skills our children should learn (discernment, consents, safety, anatomy to name a few) and call parents to take on the responsibility of teaching our daughters and empowering them. This book is about more than sex ed. or modesty, it addresses toxic positivity, safety, approaching LGBTQ conversations, pedophilia, big personalities, submission, and more. The book is a call to action to evaluate the environments we place our children in, and the influences we give a voice. With sometimes heartbreaking statistics the authors give a strong argument to common rights women deserve, especially our daughters.
With each chapter this book uniquely provides a problem, real examples, healing, solutions, and conversation starters for parents. Each chapter is accompanied with statistics to support their stance and provide justification of the need for change. More importantly the authors approach with love and compassion towards the victims (who often don’t even realize they are victims). This book dreams of what life should be for our daughters and demands readers to open their eyes to what’s been okay, encouraged, and even the norm. The authors touch on skills our children should learn (discernment, consents, safety, anatomy to name a few) and call parents to take on the responsibility of teaching our daughters and empowering them. This book is about more than sex ed. or modesty, it addresses toxic positivity, safety, approaching LGBTQ conversations, pedophilia, big personalities, submission, and more. The book is a call to action to evaluate the environments we place our children in, and the influences we give a voice. With sometimes heartbreaking statistics the authors give a strong argument to common rights women deserve, especially our daughters.
May 22, 2023
I picked up this book because I’m trying to find the balance from extreme teachings of purity culture. I wish I could say this was beautifully balanced as it confronted a lot of harmful repercussions from purity culture’s teachings.
While it did have some very good points that have gotten me to think, overall, the book feels reactive. While I don’t believe it is always wrong to call out harmful teachings, the way they did it felt like bashing anyone who remotely leaned toward extreme teachings. For instance, they bash Matthew West for his song “Modest is Hottest” and assign motives to his purpose behind it. I’ve read Matthew’s book where he brings it up and his thoughts on it, and it grieved him that the song hurt people. They took a defensive position against Matthew West and assume his motives instead of actually hearing what he had to say about it. This one example makes me wonder the validity of their perspective against all the other books and if they are also reactively assigning motives to those authors.
So, while there are good things in “She Deserves Better,” I did not appreciate their attitude in bashing other Christians.
Also, their foundation is this: “And what did Jesus say we should do when we are judging between two different interpretations of Scripture? We should look at the fruit.”
They claim to be very research-based and looking at the stats. While stats do say a lot, Jesus does not only say to “look at the fruit.” He also says to “study the Scripture.” Because they were so focused on the “fruit,” they actually turned more to worldly resources than the Bible and parts of the book sound more feministic than Biblical.
Some of the good points that I thought helpful include bringing out toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, calling out the men who taught that girls were stumbling blocks, and teaching girls to understand consent and assault.
I also really appreciated them calling out the mindset “marriage is hard” and how harmful that mindset is. Instead, realizing “life is hard, even if you’re married” is a much healthier balance.
In conclusion, this book is one I’d recommend read only if you could do so with discernment and caution. There are good points to realize and teach daughters that purity culture avoided (specifically about predators and assault), but the attitude of the book made it hard to not feel like they were just reacting harshly, which puts all my defenses up and makes me less likely to trust their opinions.
While it did have some very good points that have gotten me to think, overall, the book feels reactive. While I don’t believe it is always wrong to call out harmful teachings, the way they did it felt like bashing anyone who remotely leaned toward extreme teachings. For instance, they bash Matthew West for his song “Modest is Hottest” and assign motives to his purpose behind it. I’ve read Matthew’s book where he brings it up and his thoughts on it, and it grieved him that the song hurt people. They took a defensive position against Matthew West and assume his motives instead of actually hearing what he had to say about it. This one example makes me wonder the validity of their perspective against all the other books and if they are also reactively assigning motives to those authors.
So, while there are good things in “She Deserves Better,” I did not appreciate their attitude in bashing other Christians.
Also, their foundation is this: “And what did Jesus say we should do when we are judging between two different interpretations of Scripture? We should look at the fruit.”
They claim to be very research-based and looking at the stats. While stats do say a lot, Jesus does not only say to “look at the fruit.” He also says to “study the Scripture.” Because they were so focused on the “fruit,” they actually turned more to worldly resources than the Bible and parts of the book sound more feministic than Biblical.
Some of the good points that I thought helpful include bringing out toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing, calling out the men who taught that girls were stumbling blocks, and teaching girls to understand consent and assault.
I also really appreciated them calling out the mindset “marriage is hard” and how harmful that mindset is. Instead, realizing “life is hard, even if you’re married” is a much healthier balance.
In conclusion, this book is one I’d recommend read only if you could do so with discernment and caution. There are good points to realize and teach daughters that purity culture avoided (specifically about predators and assault), but the attitude of the book made it hard to not feel like they were just reacting harshly, which puts all my defenses up and makes me less likely to trust their opinions.
May 11, 2023
It felt like 3/4ths of the book was trying to convince me of the “toxicity” of the purity movement of the 90s and 00s and was just annoying to me. It felt disingenuous and my having not had a bad experience with the purity movement I just didn’t get it. They also say this is “biblically based” but the few biblical examples that were given felt out of context to me. But the other 1/4th of the book was actually helpful advice for moms with daughters. The end of the chapter guides for discussion with your daughters, for example, was helpful. Just be prepared to wade the through the complaining and “soap-boxy” parts of the book to get to what is actually helpful.
September 2, 2023
I grew up in purity culture, was told that simply existing in a female body could be harmful to people around me, and that I had to reject the way God made me to make other people more comfortable. I certainly didn't have it as bad as many women did, thanks to wise parents and a bossy conscience that insisted I had to follow it and not bad advice. Yet, the ways in which we are taught at a young age become part of us, and re-learning has to go a long way to get past harmful teachings.
She Deserves Better aims to get past this, open conversations between mothers and daughters about growing into womanhood in healthy ways, and untangle knotty teachings about modesty, sexual predation, and the like. I wished the chapters had ended with "say this, not that" like The Great Sex Rescue, because I found that quite helpful, and the authors spend quite some time critiquing well-known soundbites from toxic teachings: "walking temptation," "bellies are intoxicating" (directed at 8-year-olds), "they can't help it." I appreciated the beginnings of a better theology of women that the authors hinted at, and wished they had gone further with it. Untangling is good, necessary work, but reconstruction is also needed. Some of that is offered here, but more is needed.
A lot of this teaching begins in early childhood, due to baked-in cultural expectations for socializing girls vs. boys. Is it any wonder boys' academic/professional performance is falling off when "boys will be boys" still reigns, while girls are expected to perform better behavior at all times? Boys did not, in fact, go to Jupiter to get more stupider, but more girls are going to college to get more knowledge. As the authors point out, this teaching hurts boys as much as it hurts girls. It teaches boys to be entitled and self-indulgent, since "they can't help" their own problems, and girls to be subservient to all males at all times because Supporting the Male Ego™ is, somehow, the most important thing in the world.
I am grateful to have a healthy church community and wonderful friends, where I've had space to process what I was taught, sift the good from the bad, and replace the bad with good. For those who haven't experienced that, this is a good starting point. For those who have, this is still a helpful resource. I am not a parent, but I would recommend this book to parents of Girls of a Certain Age. It's tough out there, ladies, and we can do better by each other.
She Deserves Better aims to get past this, open conversations between mothers and daughters about growing into womanhood in healthy ways, and untangle knotty teachings about modesty, sexual predation, and the like. I wished the chapters had ended with "say this, not that" like The Great Sex Rescue, because I found that quite helpful, and the authors spend quite some time critiquing well-known soundbites from toxic teachings: "walking temptation," "bellies are intoxicating" (directed at 8-year-olds), "they can't help it." I appreciated the beginnings of a better theology of women that the authors hinted at, and wished they had gone further with it. Untangling is good, necessary work, but reconstruction is also needed. Some of that is offered here, but more is needed.
A lot of this teaching begins in early childhood, due to baked-in cultural expectations for socializing girls vs. boys. Is it any wonder boys' academic/professional performance is falling off when "boys will be boys" still reigns, while girls are expected to perform better behavior at all times? Boys did not, in fact, go to Jupiter to get more stupider, but more girls are going to college to get more knowledge. As the authors point out, this teaching hurts boys as much as it hurts girls. It teaches boys to be entitled and self-indulgent, since "they can't help" their own problems, and girls to be subservient to all males at all times because Supporting the Male Ego™ is, somehow, the most important thing in the world.
I am grateful to have a healthy church community and wonderful friends, where I've had space to process what I was taught, sift the good from the bad, and replace the bad with good. For those who haven't experienced that, this is a good starting point. For those who have, this is still a helpful resource. I am not a parent, but I would recommend this book to parents of Girls of a Certain Age. It's tough out there, ladies, and we can do better by each other.
September 17, 2023
This book has many important and helpful sections. The mother-daughter discussion guides were probably my favorite part (and something I’ll try to remember use when I have a tween/teen daughter).
However, I found some of the logic in “She Deserves Better” to be confusing. The authors make it clear that this is a book to react against the purity culture of the 90s/early 2000s. But…girls today aren’t being raised in this culture. Much of this book felt like it would have more impact on someone in their 30s than someone currently in middle school.
Further, I’m no research scientist, but I remember being told by a math teacher, over and over, that “correlation is not causation.” The authors use their survey results as the basis for their argument without seeming to include or understand the complexity behind subjects as broad as “self esteem” “relationships” and “belief.” Was it just the purity teaching that led someone to have a less satisfying sex life in marriage?
And modesty! So, of course, obviously, I agree that women (and girls) shouldn’t dress modestly because men (and boys) simply can’t control themselves around an immodestly dressed female. However, does that mean modesty is bad? Does that mean how we present ourselves doesn’t matter? I thought about this a lot and here’s what I’ve come to think is missing from SDB’s take on modesty—
It’s good for all Christians to dress modestly. However, in our culture, it’s much easier (and expected) for a guy to dress modestly. For young women, it’s a choice they’ll have to make more intentionally. And one that should be motivated by self respect, not fear or shame.
The same could be said about unnecessary violence. All Christians should avoid it, but it seems young men will be presented with greater opportunities and feel worse pressures to participate in it. If you’re raising a Christian man, you *might* need to have more conversations about this than you would with a daughter.
I think there are many important reminders in this book. I wish there had been more connection to scripture and less reliance on data. Or a better set of data more scientifically applied. As for scripture, the authors make it clear that this is *not* a theological book, but when writing about Christian culture, how does that make sense? The basis of our culture should be God’s word, right?
However, I found some of the logic in “She Deserves Better” to be confusing. The authors make it clear that this is a book to react against the purity culture of the 90s/early 2000s. But…girls today aren’t being raised in this culture. Much of this book felt like it would have more impact on someone in their 30s than someone currently in middle school.
Further, I’m no research scientist, but I remember being told by a math teacher, over and over, that “correlation is not causation.” The authors use their survey results as the basis for their argument without seeming to include or understand the complexity behind subjects as broad as “self esteem” “relationships” and “belief.” Was it just the purity teaching that led someone to have a less satisfying sex life in marriage?
And modesty! So, of course, obviously, I agree that women (and girls) shouldn’t dress modestly because men (and boys) simply can’t control themselves around an immodestly dressed female. However, does that mean modesty is bad? Does that mean how we present ourselves doesn’t matter? I thought about this a lot and here’s what I’ve come to think is missing from SDB’s take on modesty—
It’s good for all Christians to dress modestly. However, in our culture, it’s much easier (and expected) for a guy to dress modestly. For young women, it’s a choice they’ll have to make more intentionally. And one that should be motivated by self respect, not fear or shame.
The same could be said about unnecessary violence. All Christians should avoid it, but it seems young men will be presented with greater opportunities and feel worse pressures to participate in it. If you’re raising a Christian man, you *might* need to have more conversations about this than you would with a daughter.
I think there are many important reminders in this book. I wish there had been more connection to scripture and less reliance on data. Or a better set of data more scientifically applied. As for scripture, the authors make it clear that this is *not* a theological book, but when writing about Christian culture, how does that make sense? The basis of our culture should be God’s word, right?
December 7, 2023
I thought this book would help me with a balanced approach to sex and relationships from a Christian perspective but I didn't find it that useful. Rather than 'this is a good way to do things' it was mostly 'these are all the things the current evangelical community is doing wrong'.
If you / your daughter is involved in the Christian evangelical / youth movement then you should really read this because the way the authors present the current approach sounds really damaging to me! But this book is more about 'righting wrongs' than helping you muddle your way through parenting.
Thank you to NetGalley for my ARC.
If you / your daughter is involved in the Christian evangelical / youth movement then you should really read this because the way the authors present the current approach sounds really damaging to me! But this book is more about 'righting wrongs' than helping you muddle your way through parenting.
Thank you to NetGalley for my ARC.
September 8, 2023
Gregoire, Gregoire Lindenbach, and Sawatsky’s “She Deserves Better” is written to mothers with daughters. These three women are concerned about the harms of purity culture. They believe that it leads to lower self esteem, worse marriages, perpetuating patriarchal structures, letting young men off the hook, and even encouraging sexual violence. Instead, the authors emphasize the goodness of our sexuality and the importance of consent.
Gregoire, Gregoire Lindenbach, and Sawatsky have run surveys through their website that they assert makes their findings grounded in fact, not conjecture.
I’m conflicted over how to review this book. On the one hand, I agree with most of the authors’ critiques of purity culture. It is a tragedy to have young men and women to approach sexuality primarily through the lens of fear, to have inappropriate (and non-biblical) promises made of a great sex life and Prince Charming. It’s disheartening that young women would believe their bodies are evil. It’s tragic that women would bear the majority of the responsibility for chastity. On the other hand, the authors appear to only be concerned about this threat to women.
The reader gets the feeling that the authors are driving with their focus on the rear view mirror. I was often reminded of Trevin Wax’s brilliant little “The Multi-Directional Leader” which warns against only protecting against threats from one direction. The authors seem to diminish the very real threats in our flesh and in the world.
The book gives one the impression that it’s really easy to be an evangelical man in today’s world and really hard to be an evangelical woman. I think this depends quite a bit on one’s context and am unsure it’s a true or helpful characterization.
They seem to cherry pick the worst (and often dated) of evangelical material. I’m the first to advocate for richer practical theology on this front, but there are authors doing good work. Take Sam Allberry, for instance.
In addition, I while there is plenty of helpful insights from their survey, I have my doubts about how rigorous and reliable the study was. As I understand it, the survey was conducted through their website by their readers. That is a very skewed audience. I wonder how different the results would be from a more neutral audience. In addition, the study relies heavily on self-reported impact on self-esteem. Self esteem has been largely disproven in the psychological literature as a meaningful expression of well being and positive outcomes. It’s outdated.
I’m short, while there is some helpful stuff in “She Deserves Better,” and I would love to see a similar book written from a more nuanced perspective, I can’t endorse this book.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
Gregoire, Gregoire Lindenbach, and Sawatsky have run surveys through their website that they assert makes their findings grounded in fact, not conjecture.
I’m conflicted over how to review this book. On the one hand, I agree with most of the authors’ critiques of purity culture. It is a tragedy to have young men and women to approach sexuality primarily through the lens of fear, to have inappropriate (and non-biblical) promises made of a great sex life and Prince Charming. It’s disheartening that young women would believe their bodies are evil. It’s tragic that women would bear the majority of the responsibility for chastity. On the other hand, the authors appear to only be concerned about this threat to women.
The reader gets the feeling that the authors are driving with their focus on the rear view mirror. I was often reminded of Trevin Wax’s brilliant little “The Multi-Directional Leader” which warns against only protecting against threats from one direction. The authors seem to diminish the very real threats in our flesh and in the world.
The book gives one the impression that it’s really easy to be an evangelical man in today’s world and really hard to be an evangelical woman. I think this depends quite a bit on one’s context and am unsure it’s a true or helpful characterization.
They seem to cherry pick the worst (and often dated) of evangelical material. I’m the first to advocate for richer practical theology on this front, but there are authors doing good work. Take Sam Allberry, for instance.
In addition, I while there is plenty of helpful insights from their survey, I have my doubts about how rigorous and reliable the study was. As I understand it, the survey was conducted through their website by their readers. That is a very skewed audience. I wonder how different the results would be from a more neutral audience. In addition, the study relies heavily on self-reported impact on self-esteem. Self esteem has been largely disproven in the psychological literature as a meaningful expression of well being and positive outcomes. It’s outdated.
I’m short, while there is some helpful stuff in “She Deserves Better,” and I would love to see a similar book written from a more nuanced perspective, I can’t endorse this book.
For more reviews see thebeehive.live.
April 1, 2023
She Deserves Better is a must-read for parents of girls (and boys!), whether they are toddler, tween, or teen, and whether you come from a specific faith background or none at all. The authors tackle such important topics like boundaries and red flags for toxic people, harmful modesty and purity culture messages, dating, sex ed, and having a big faith. One of the best parts of this book is the statistical evidence presented throughout, based on the authors' survey of 7,000 women; it's not just their opinion, they have the evidence to back up their claims! Whether you have experienced harm from toxic teachings yourself or are looking to make sure you do right by your kids, this is an incredible resource! Each chapter refutes--with statistics-- dangerous beliefs or teachings perpetuated in certain Christian circles and even society at large, and then gives alternative approaches for that given topic. Each chapter ends with realistic scenarios for moms and daughters to talk through together, which I loved! I highlighted so many sections in my ebook and I can't wait to re-read it and highlight in a hard copy. I know I will refer back to this book for years, and I'm buying copies for friends and family because I believe the message is that important!
Thank you to Netgalley for my ARC.
Thank you to Netgalley for my ARC.
March 25, 2023
Everybody raising a girl in the church or involved in teaching girls in church needs to read this book. We should never be so set in our ways that we can’t examine our own beliefs to see if they are healthy or if we need to change to do better for our kids.
Some teachings it addresses:
1. Modesty and the belief that females need a strict dress code so men don’t lust after them.
2. That males have no self control and it’s the female’s responsibility to stop males from pushing boundaries.
3. That our emotions/anxiety/depression is because we don’t trust God enough.
4. We should always be polite and accepting, even if a person makes us feel unsafe, because they need Jesus too.
5. If a man is angry with you, it’s probably because you were disrespectful to him.
6. That a woman’s primary role is to boost a man’s ego and be his encourager.
Some teachings it addresses:
1. Modesty and the belief that females need a strict dress code so men don’t lust after them.
2. That males have no self control and it’s the female’s responsibility to stop males from pushing boundaries.
3. That our emotions/anxiety/depression is because we don’t trust God enough.
4. We should always be polite and accepting, even if a person makes us feel unsafe, because they need Jesus too.
5. If a man is angry with you, it’s probably because you were disrespectful to him.
6. That a woman’s primary role is to boost a man’s ego and be his encourager.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 4, 2023
I wish we had this book 20 years ago, and my only complaint is that I wish it was longer. Heartbreaking and hope-inducing, Gregoire + team go through toxic teachings that have been pushed by the church in the name of purity culture that are a) not biblical and b) create immense harm in girls’ self-esteem, safety, and capability deep into adulthood. I wish we had more practical “here’s how to fix it” steps. Like I said, I would want the 500 page version of a book like this that went into EVERYTHING, but I think this books is a great intro to starting these conversations that we’ve been desperately missing. It’s aimed towards moms to prepare for tough talks with daughters, but I read this to help with youth ministry (and reading it was of extreme personal benefit too). Grab this book, an anger ball to squeeze, and a box of tissues.
July 31, 2023
If you’re a mom, you should read this book. If you’re a girl who grew up in purity culture (even if you weren’t very negatively impacted like me; it was just “there”) you should read this book. If you feel harmed by toxic teachings or toxic churches, you should read this book. And hey if you’re a guy you should read this book too. Read what we grew up with—did you know all this? If you’re a teen read this too. Don’t let the baggage we were handed (wittingly or unwittingly) take root in you. You are loved by God, and you deserve better.
May 3, 2023
I still have tears in my eyes from finishing this book.
This book is a gift. It was validating, healing, and life-giving for the young girl in me.
Even though I'm not a mom of daughters, I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn from the past and make better choices in the future.
My favorite parts were the hypothetical scenarios to talk through with your kids at the end of each chapter and the quizzes on sex ed and consent. So so helpful. I plan to do these with my 5 year old son when he is older as it is vital that boys understand these topics too.
Thank you, Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna for another home run resource. Truly cannot thank you enough for your work in this space.
This book is a gift. It was validating, healing, and life-giving for the young girl in me.
Even though I'm not a mom of daughters, I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn from the past and make better choices in the future.
My favorite parts were the hypothetical scenarios to talk through with your kids at the end of each chapter and the quizzes on sex ed and consent. So so helpful. I plan to do these with my 5 year old son when he is older as it is vital that boys understand these topics too.
Thank you, Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna for another home run resource. Truly cannot thank you enough for your work in this space.
May 6, 2023
I appreciate the work that Sheila Gregoire has put in on this subject and related subjects for many years now.
I've seen criticisms of the methadology for the survey and the related extrapolations, but that may be because people have trouble understanding how surveys work and / or what constitutes a robust set of data. (I'm being charitable.)
You won't have to agree with everything 100% to appreciate this book. You don't have to be rethinking your theology. All you have to agree is that our daughters deserve better than the false {prosperity} gospel that was "purity culture."
Because they do. My four daughters deserve better. They deserve better than the topsy-turvey "anything goes" worldly system and they deserve better than the "blame it on the woman" paradigm power-obsessed false-Christianity promotes.
Read the book. Throw out the parts you don't agree with, fine, but use it to actually talk and listen to our girls. When we know better, we do better. (And if there's some aspect of this discussion you think Gregoire missed or should have covered better, well, go ahead and write that book. We need all the books we can get to counteract the church libraries full of terrible advice and downright messed-up theology.)
I've seen criticisms of the methadology for the survey and the related extrapolations, but that may be because people have trouble understanding how surveys work and / or what constitutes a robust set of data. (I'm being charitable.)
You won't have to agree with everything 100% to appreciate this book. You don't have to be rethinking your theology. All you have to agree is that our daughters deserve better than the false {prosperity} gospel that was "purity culture."
Because they do. My four daughters deserve better. They deserve better than the topsy-turvey "anything goes" worldly system and they deserve better than the "blame it on the woman" paradigm power-obsessed false-Christianity promotes.
Read the book. Throw out the parts you don't agree with, fine, but use it to actually talk and listen to our girls. When we know better, we do better. (And if there's some aspect of this discussion you think Gregoire missed or should have covered better, well, go ahead and write that book. We need all the books we can get to counteract the church libraries full of terrible advice and downright messed-up theology.)
November 22, 2024
fantastic read; stuffed full of statistics and the tearing down of downright false "statistics" that have been believed but never questioned or proved, and full also of Christ as well as the needful things to undo damage.
i would love for every woman who grew up in church circles to read this book; maybe you had a better example/teaching in church childhood than I did, but there's a lot more just like me, i'll bet.
i'd also like men to read this, honestly, openly, and without more defensiveness than they can avoid
i would love for every woman who grew up in church circles to read this book; maybe you had a better example/teaching in church childhood than I did, but there's a lot more just like me, i'll bet.
i'd also like men to read this, honestly, openly, and without more defensiveness than they can avoid
July 21, 2023
I take a lot of surveys but my friend and I felt this one was leading. I was felt tricked it didn’t distinguish residential purity culture anxiety from genuine marriage concerns. There is never a good excuse to withhold raw data either.
This is NOT a book written by abuse survivor, a sex therapist, a psychiatrist, a marriage counsellor or even a parenting expert. She’s just an influencer. The book seems to for her fans who already have these opinions, I have yet to find a review of changing someone’s mind or using it with their daughter. Only 25% of reviews suggest they might be a parent.
The respondents are not random and less than 10% of the number of fb followers. The reason for a larger number is to make it comparable to a randomized study, yet Shelia emphasizes the numbers as if they lend it more credulity, not equal.
While I agree with most things, her arguments make me cringe. She inverts messages to make them seem worse, like ‘you’ll have a better sex life if you save it for marriage’ becomes “If you have sex before you are married, you will have ruined your chances of having a good sex life in marriage.” No one ever said this. She doesn’t seem to really get purity culture. Purity culture’s harm was not necessarily falsehood but zealous over-moralizing. Instead of removing shame, they reject messages altogether and downplay sex to just the physical. (Unlike her sex books.)
She frequently reaches too hard or conflates different generational problems. There is nothing nefarious about kids singing a silly song about being happy, the church was just singing it properly and adding different emotions is a modern thing. Fake happiness is much more a past generation problem, mine veered so far into ‘authenticity’ to start shaming others for happiness.
“If something is of Christ, then it should not cause harm.” Anything can be used for harm in the wrong hands, and fruit takes time to be revealed. (IBLP looked like it had a good fruit for years.) I have seen harm done by Shelia’s teaching as well, because not all advice can be applicable to everyone at the same time. Feelings are important, but too subjective to be the ONLY metre of truth. Abusers may feel “harmed” by accountability. My generation was made to feel anxiety about other’s feelings all the time, pendulum swings exist.
Shelia practices Doug Wilson’s toxic empathy theory, that listening means not speaking the truth. It’s not spiritual bypassing to be comforted ‘God is good even when you don’t feel like it’ because it acknowledges you DON’T feel that way. “The most important thing isn’t how you feel but what God says is true” is NOT “you don’t feel how you feel” That’s not gaslighting. It’s not an either/or statement. It’s true and reassuring when emotions are all over the place.
How to “honour your daughter’s preference in SMALL things”… No more play dates with with your friends if she doesn’t like their kids and let her choose your church and your vacation destinations. I wonder what big things would be?
In a hypothetical disagreement, all three solutions are the man not getting what he dreamed of and the women getting out of it somehow. Why couldn’t one answer be she grew to love hockey? A really shallow reason to pass up a great guy.
Shelia doesn’t back up her claim that girls are taught to just date churchgoers. I have never heard this, though I’ve constantly heard claims it is taught.
Shelia has ONE quote to support her theory “anger is only one of the red flags girls are taught to overlook in order to honour Christian masculinity” and it happens to be true, if you disrespect someone they might get angry. The problem was the absence of teaching girls to discern and avoid angry men.
They twist ‘it’s easier for man to take risks when he’s trusted’ into “they said wives can’t expect men to take risks until they give them respect!” Everyone finds it easier to be vulnerable when they feel safe, yes do it regardless but why must she exaggerate what they said? If Shelia is right about the pervasiveness why can’t she find clearer examples?
I say modesty is not a moral issue and it’s creepy to over sexualize normal everyday wear, but Shelia has terrible arguments here.
1 Since clothes don’t stop a rapist, clothes have no relevance to how easily men ogle you.
2 But if they do, it’s your fault for not having enough confidence.
3 How are you harmed if men objectify you anyway? Just stay home if you’re so sensitive.
4 If it’s is modest on one, it’s modest on everyone no matter how buxom. (Legalism much?)
5 She supports fashion industry’s objectification of girls, criticizing the idea of girls having the same basketball shorts as boys.
I have followed Shelia for a decade, but this book has had the opposite intended effect on me and I am not so sure anymore about many of the beliefs I agreed with her on before reading. Shelia is growing more cultish and arrogant- she believes she has single-handedly caused cultural shifts in society and demands credit as if she invented mutuality, even if someone has a healthier track records than her own. A triggering read if you’ve deconstructed narrow-mindedness.
This is NOT a book written by abuse survivor, a sex therapist, a psychiatrist, a marriage counsellor or even a parenting expert. She’s just an influencer. The book seems to for her fans who already have these opinions, I have yet to find a review of changing someone’s mind or using it with their daughter. Only 25% of reviews suggest they might be a parent.
The respondents are not random and less than 10% of the number of fb followers. The reason for a larger number is to make it comparable to a randomized study, yet Shelia emphasizes the numbers as if they lend it more credulity, not equal.
While I agree with most things, her arguments make me cringe. She inverts messages to make them seem worse, like ‘you’ll have a better sex life if you save it for marriage’ becomes “If you have sex before you are married, you will have ruined your chances of having a good sex life in marriage.” No one ever said this. She doesn’t seem to really get purity culture. Purity culture’s harm was not necessarily falsehood but zealous over-moralizing. Instead of removing shame, they reject messages altogether and downplay sex to just the physical. (Unlike her sex books.)
She frequently reaches too hard or conflates different generational problems. There is nothing nefarious about kids singing a silly song about being happy, the church was just singing it properly and adding different emotions is a modern thing. Fake happiness is much more a past generation problem, mine veered so far into ‘authenticity’ to start shaming others for happiness.
“If something is of Christ, then it should not cause harm.” Anything can be used for harm in the wrong hands, and fruit takes time to be revealed. (IBLP looked like it had a good fruit for years.) I have seen harm done by Shelia’s teaching as well, because not all advice can be applicable to everyone at the same time. Feelings are important, but too subjective to be the ONLY metre of truth. Abusers may feel “harmed” by accountability. My generation was made to feel anxiety about other’s feelings all the time, pendulum swings exist.
Shelia practices Doug Wilson’s toxic empathy theory, that listening means not speaking the truth. It’s not spiritual bypassing to be comforted ‘God is good even when you don’t feel like it’ because it acknowledges you DON’T feel that way. “The most important thing isn’t how you feel but what God says is true” is NOT “you don’t feel how you feel” That’s not gaslighting. It’s not an either/or statement. It’s true and reassuring when emotions are all over the place.
How to “honour your daughter’s preference in SMALL things”… No more play dates with with your friends if she doesn’t like their kids and let her choose your church and your vacation destinations. I wonder what big things would be?
In a hypothetical disagreement, all three solutions are the man not getting what he dreamed of and the women getting out of it somehow. Why couldn’t one answer be she grew to love hockey? A really shallow reason to pass up a great guy.
Shelia doesn’t back up her claim that girls are taught to just date churchgoers. I have never heard this, though I’ve constantly heard claims it is taught.
Shelia has ONE quote to support her theory “anger is only one of the red flags girls are taught to overlook in order to honour Christian masculinity” and it happens to be true, if you disrespect someone they might get angry. The problem was the absence of teaching girls to discern and avoid angry men.
They twist ‘it’s easier for man to take risks when he’s trusted’ into “they said wives can’t expect men to take risks until they give them respect!” Everyone finds it easier to be vulnerable when they feel safe, yes do it regardless but why must she exaggerate what they said? If Shelia is right about the pervasiveness why can’t she find clearer examples?
I say modesty is not a moral issue and it’s creepy to over sexualize normal everyday wear, but Shelia has terrible arguments here.
1 Since clothes don’t stop a rapist, clothes have no relevance to how easily men ogle you.
2 But if they do, it’s your fault for not having enough confidence.
3 How are you harmed if men objectify you anyway? Just stay home if you’re so sensitive.
4 If it’s is modest on one, it’s modest on everyone no matter how buxom. (Legalism much?)
5 She supports fashion industry’s objectification of girls, criticizing the idea of girls having the same basketball shorts as boys.
I have followed Shelia for a decade, but this book has had the opposite intended effect on me and I am not so sure anymore about many of the beliefs I agreed with her on before reading. Shelia is growing more cultish and arrogant- she believes she has single-handedly caused cultural shifts in society and demands credit as if she invented mutuality, even if someone has a healthier track records than her own. A triggering read if you’ve deconstructed narrow-mindedness.
April 5, 2023
Overall, this was a timely and helpful resource for anyone who is going to raise a teen girl or used to be one.
Before we get into why you should read this book, there were a few things that I wasn't sure about:
The book did contain some progressive buzzwords like "internalized misogyny" and "taking up space" (I'm pretty conservative so anything that sounds "woke" tends to raise my spidey senses.)
At one point, one of the authors mentions not wanting to introduce her daughter to a God who says "you don't measure up." However, part of the power of the Gospel is that we don't measure up and God still gives us His unmerited grace. Maybe that's just something that could be clarified.
The authors seemed to almost dismiss parents' concerns about their kids being exposed to LGBT topics in school sex ed programs. I believe that parents are right to be concerned – and that we as a church need to do a better job of welcoming these teens without normalizing or condoning those lifestyles. To be fair, though, that is definitely outside the scope of this book.
Now that that's out of the way… the authors have done an incredible job of gathering and analyzing the data on the effects of certain teachings on Christian young women. (The use of numbers and stats really help them to make a solid case for their argument.) I think many evangelicals at this point are aware of the pitfalls of purity culture, but I was still surprised at some of the teachings that were circulated at its height and the effects they had. As someone who, in the late aughts, wore a lot of baggy clothes, I could relate to some of the things such as the modesty message. Thankfully, I was spared many of the more dangerous teachings and situations – some of which have been pretty devastating to many women in the church.
Gregoire and co. also do fairly well with not throwing out the baby (real faith) with the bathwater (the "tricky teachings"), so to speak. We still want to raise daughters who wait for marriage, dress appropriately, etc., but not by using untruthful scare tactics or pressuring girls to be mindlessly submissive "sin management tools" for men. She Deserves Better helps us millennials to process what we were taught (even if indirectly by the church culture at large) and why it didn't work, so that we can more confidently raise our gen-alpha girls in a healthy way and with fewer hangups. (The mother-daughter sections at the end of each chapter are particularly useful.)
I would recommend this book to both men and women who want to gain greater insight into these important topics in the church. It matters for all of us – our marriages, our youth ministries, and the next generation of Christian young people.
Before we get into why you should read this book, there were a few things that I wasn't sure about:
The book did contain some progressive buzzwords like "internalized misogyny" and "taking up space" (I'm pretty conservative so anything that sounds "woke" tends to raise my spidey senses.)
At one point, one of the authors mentions not wanting to introduce her daughter to a God who says "you don't measure up." However, part of the power of the Gospel is that we don't measure up and God still gives us His unmerited grace. Maybe that's just something that could be clarified.
The authors seemed to almost dismiss parents' concerns about their kids being exposed to LGBT topics in school sex ed programs. I believe that parents are right to be concerned – and that we as a church need to do a better job of welcoming these teens without normalizing or condoning those lifestyles. To be fair, though, that is definitely outside the scope of this book.
Now that that's out of the way… the authors have done an incredible job of gathering and analyzing the data on the effects of certain teachings on Christian young women. (The use of numbers and stats really help them to make a solid case for their argument.) I think many evangelicals at this point are aware of the pitfalls of purity culture, but I was still surprised at some of the teachings that were circulated at its height and the effects they had. As someone who, in the late aughts, wore a lot of baggy clothes, I could relate to some of the things such as the modesty message. Thankfully, I was spared many of the more dangerous teachings and situations – some of which have been pretty devastating to many women in the church.
Gregoire and co. also do fairly well with not throwing out the baby (real faith) with the bathwater (the "tricky teachings"), so to speak. We still want to raise daughters who wait for marriage, dress appropriately, etc., but not by using untruthful scare tactics or pressuring girls to be mindlessly submissive "sin management tools" for men. She Deserves Better helps us millennials to process what we were taught (even if indirectly by the church culture at large) and why it didn't work, so that we can more confidently raise our gen-alpha girls in a healthy way and with fewer hangups. (The mother-daughter sections at the end of each chapter are particularly useful.)
I would recommend this book to both men and women who want to gain greater insight into these important topics in the church. It matters for all of us – our marriages, our youth ministries, and the next generation of Christian young people.
March 18, 2023
This book is amazing! As someone who grew up in the midst of purity culture, this has debunked so many of the harmful beliefs I held as a kid and young adult! I love the parts that can be read with my daughters so that they don’t take those bad messages upon themselves.
Also to add, I was worried they would swing the opposite way in their beliefs, but they take a better approach than I expected. They focus on the importance of teaching our girls they have value and helping them form their relationship with God, so that they can follow the Holy Spirit’s lead in hopefully choosing to save sex for marriage instead of using lies and scare tactics to convince them to stay a virgin. Also does a good job of reminding girls and parents that their virginity is not the most important way to show God you love him and you have so much value to him even if you have sex before marriage or are sexually assaulted.
Also to add, I was worried they would swing the opposite way in their beliefs, but they take a better approach than I expected. They focus on the importance of teaching our girls they have value and helping them form their relationship with God, so that they can follow the Holy Spirit’s lead in hopefully choosing to save sex for marriage instead of using lies and scare tactics to convince them to stay a virgin. Also does a good job of reminding girls and parents that their virginity is not the most important way to show God you love him and you have so much value to him even if you have sex before marriage or are sexually assaulted.
June 15, 2023
One of the best books I’ve ever read, and I don’t say that lightly. With significant amounts of research, the authors clearly demonstrate the dangers that come from many purity culture messages. I might go so far as to say that this is a must read for moms with daughters, but I also think it would be a great idea for any woman who has influence over girls to read it as well. Whether you are a youth group leader, an aunt, or a mentor, this book will be a big help to you.
July 19, 2023
The authors of this book make a lot of good points and expose the dangers of extreme “purity culture” teachings. A lot of the things they talk about I wish I had been taught when I was growing up. But the authors also hold some beliefs that I don’t think are biblical. Overall I found it an interesting discussion of important topics.
June 3, 2023
I finished reading this on the same day that I binge-watched the Amazon docuseries "Shiny, Happy People," which was about the Duggar family. The intersection of themes between these two things was quite significant. One of the most serious, harmful things that girls in conservative Christian environments (and likely all religious communities, not just Christian ones) is the constant push on submitting to men. Power corrupts; absolutely power corrupts absolutely. This is evident in the fact the Duggar sisters had to basically hide the abuse they suffered because their father was the authority. This is also evident in the research results Gregoire found writing this book. As long as women believe that they are second to men, must bow to men, and are always a temptation to men, they are open to being manipulated and abused.
One of the more shocking things I read in Gregoire's book was the material she discussed which came from Dannah Gresh. I think by the time she really became popular, my ideas about dating, etc., had already changed. However, one of the things Gregoire exposed in this book was Gresh's teaching to girls as young as 8-12 -- yes, 8-12 -- that by revealing their bellies with cropped shirts, they are tempting men. They were told that their flesh is "intoxicating" to men, so if they reveal flesh to men, they risk tempting them to sin. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?
If a man is "intoxicated" by the flesh of an eight year old, it's not called temptation; it's called being a pedophile.
In my personal situation, I have become more and more wary about what Evangelicalism itself does wrong, and the way they treat women is first on the list. Evangelicalism is a danger zone for women. The book title is apt. We need to do much better with our girls.
One of the more shocking things I read in Gregoire's book was the material she discussed which came from Dannah Gresh. I think by the time she really became popular, my ideas about dating, etc., had already changed. However, one of the things Gregoire exposed in this book was Gresh's teaching to girls as young as 8-12 -- yes, 8-12 -- that by revealing their bellies with cropped shirts, they are tempting men. They were told that their flesh is "intoxicating" to men, so if they reveal flesh to men, they risk tempting them to sin. HOW MESSED UP IS THAT?
If a man is "intoxicated" by the flesh of an eight year old, it's not called temptation; it's called being a pedophile.
In my personal situation, I have become more and more wary about what Evangelicalism itself does wrong, and the way they treat women is first on the list. Evangelicalism is a danger zone for women. The book title is apt. We need to do much better with our girls.
September 30, 2023
Highly recommend for anyone who invests in teen lives.
April 1, 2023
This fantastic book is a much needed prophetic voice in the Church. It is a critique of the extremes of purity culture, without abandoning historic Christian sexual ethics. The Christian Church has always taught that sex is best kept within marriage, but the framing of this ethic in the rhetoric and ideology of purity culture was a reactionary over-correction based upon fear of the sexual revolution. And much of the ways we have taught about these things in evangelical churches has brought profound harm upon young girls that negatively impacts their lives for years to come.
But it is not a choice between either accepting the sexual revolution and promiscuity of the world or embracing purity culture. There is a healthy space that rejects what is bad in both of these. We can talk about consent without fear that teaching teens how to say no will encourage them to say yes to premarital sex. Consent is not a secular concept. It is a basic bare minimum that should be universal. When we use purity imagery to describe sexual sins, it unintentionally communicates to victims of rape and sexual assault that they are damaged goods that can never really be healed. Messages of modesty often unintentionally put the burden of male lust upon the covered up shoulders of young women. Jesus never said, “If your eyes cause you to look at a women with lust…tell her to stop being a stumbling block by wearing such a short skirt and dressing so immodestly!” Instead, Jesus puts that sin upon the sinner, “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out.” This also unintentionally sends the message to victims of sexual assault that they are somehow responsible because of what they were wearing.
This book is a great resource for those who have come to realize that there are deep problems with the ways we have talked about things in the past but don’t know how to move forward with developing a way to frame and teach about these subjects that is healthy, evidence based, and Biblical. This book not only helps with a “deconstruction” that leaves you with nothing left, but also with “reconstructing” a faith that is healthy and good.
As a pastor, I think every pastor, youth pastor, and Christian parent should read this book.
Disclaimer: I received an Advance Reader’s Copy in exchange for an honest review.
But it is not a choice between either accepting the sexual revolution and promiscuity of the world or embracing purity culture. There is a healthy space that rejects what is bad in both of these. We can talk about consent without fear that teaching teens how to say no will encourage them to say yes to premarital sex. Consent is not a secular concept. It is a basic bare minimum that should be universal. When we use purity imagery to describe sexual sins, it unintentionally communicates to victims of rape and sexual assault that they are damaged goods that can never really be healed. Messages of modesty often unintentionally put the burden of male lust upon the covered up shoulders of young women. Jesus never said, “If your eyes cause you to look at a women with lust…tell her to stop being a stumbling block by wearing such a short skirt and dressing so immodestly!” Instead, Jesus puts that sin upon the sinner, “If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out.” This also unintentionally sends the message to victims of sexual assault that they are somehow responsible because of what they were wearing.
This book is a great resource for those who have come to realize that there are deep problems with the ways we have talked about things in the past but don’t know how to move forward with developing a way to frame and teach about these subjects that is healthy, evidence based, and Biblical. This book not only helps with a “deconstruction” that leaves you with nothing left, but also with “reconstructing” a faith that is healthy and good.
As a pastor, I think every pastor, youth pastor, and Christian parent should read this book.
Disclaimer: I received an Advance Reader’s Copy in exchange for an honest review.
May 11, 2023
I fully realize that, having never been a teenage girl or the mother of one, I am not the target audience of this book. However, I did read it and I am mostly glad to have done so. My simple and honest review is that it's a mixed bag that I'm struggling to parse. There are many great ideas, but there are also so many instances of questionable arguments and sweeping generalizations that I had a hard time looking past those to take home the important messages burried in there for my daughter.
I realize that it's trying to address and correct problematic teaching, but I think this book would be better and more helpful if it spent less time telling me what not to think (and repeatedly illustrating why I shouldn't think it!) and more time focusing on the practical and spiritual benefits of the new paradigm they want to present.
But, like I said, I am not the target audience of this book, so maybe the adversarial tone and relentless assault on "purity culture" just wasn't as cathartic for me and didn't resonate as much as it would for others.
I realize that it's trying to address and correct problematic teaching, but I think this book would be better and more helpful if it spent less time telling me what not to think (and repeatedly illustrating why I shouldn't think it!) and more time focusing on the practical and spiritual benefits of the new paradigm they want to present.
But, like I said, I am not the target audience of this book, so maybe the adversarial tone and relentless assault on "purity culture" just wasn't as cathartic for me and didn't resonate as much as it would for others.
October 8, 2023
I know I grew up in purity culture, but I didn't realize how indoctrinated I was. Every chapter highlighted something I'd been taught at my Christian school, my church, or in small groups with friends. I am slowly untangling what is and isn't helpful from the purity-skewed teachings of my childhood. It's been helpful to see those ideas put down in writing, this time as an adult able to view them with more scrutiny.
Each chapter rebuts problematic teachings with statistically backed, level-headed points. I was surprised in really positive ways that this book has been helpful in undoing some of the guilt I feel when questioning what I was taught.
Give people the gift of comprehensive sex education; empower them to recognize the standards of communication they should expect, form healthy boundaries, and avoid perpetuating or being victimized by misogynistic and predatory systems.
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