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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It
In the bestselling tradition of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, here is the first book that answers the questions "Why do my kids push my buttons?" and "How can I stop it from happening?"It's a given-kids push their parents buttons like nobody else can. Too many parents can be provoked to react with harmful anger, and children learn to manipulate their parents' emotions repeatedly, resulting in unhealthy life-long patterns. WHEN YOUR KIDS PUSH YOUR BUTTONS shows parents that it is their ideas and perceptions that push their own buttons and provoke the "road rage of parenting." When parents take responsibility for their reactions and listen to what their child's behavior is telling them, the child becomes the teacher to the parent. Filled with anecdotes from real families, this book is quickly joining the list of parenting classics.
347 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2003
26 people are currently reading
171 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
August 4, 2023
This was an insanely practical parenting book. Every chapter was brimming with insight and ways to change your perspective as a parent. Harris first encourages and guides the reader into identifying their buttons and what causes you to go into your automatic responses. She then goes over the different types of buttons that our children can push and how they are related to our own childhoods. The rest of the book focuses on 1. Raising your awareness. Noticing your physical and emotional state. Looking beneath the behavior to your child’s emotions and finding ways to connect with them. 2. Breathing. Grounding yourself by focusing on your breath. Naming your feelings and acknowledge your emotions. Owning them and not feeling the need to justify them. Not blaming your child for your feelings. 3. Identifying the assumptions causing your emotions. Saying what is hidden deep and being brutally honest. Asking if is it true and if it’s reasonable or unreasonable. Changing your assumption to something realistic. 4. Not taking their behaviors personally. 5. Detaching and witnessing. Disengaging for an objective view. Physically removing yourself if you can’t not react and returning in a neutral state. 6. Using affirmative self talk. Talking out your reactions and how they affect your child. 7. Defining your standards and beliefs. 8. Adjusting your standards and finding a balance where you and your child are both respected and understood. 9. Not projecting your standards from your childhood onto your child.
She goes over all of these things in great detail with stories and accounts of real parents and their kids.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and feel like it truly made me a more conscious parent already. Both mothers and fathers should read it.
She goes over all of these things in great detail with stories and accounts of real parents and their kids.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and feel like it truly made me a more conscious parent already. Both mothers and fathers should read it.
July 6, 2022
I’ve only read it without doing the prompts. It’s an interesting look at how your childhood influences your responses to your own children - it doesn’t have to be a big traumatic experience such as abuse. The intent is to help you disengage with the negative belief systems you created as a child and learn how to respond more calmly and appropriately to your own children. I plan to reread with doing the prompts at the end of the chapter.
October 10, 2018
Bonnie was ahead of the time in writing this book by not promoting punishment and encouraging parents to acknowledge the feelings of their children, etc.
January 30, 2025
Learned a lot from this book. A lot of examples that help me to understand what’s the situation and how we as parents could handle it. It’s very interesting that almost every single case could find the way to connect with parent’s own previous experiences while they were young, I know many original families problems cost people a lot, even longer and harmful along their lives. Unfortunately I don’t want to buy it, because we can’t change that, we just buried it and move on with it, try not to put any negative impact in parenting our kids. That’s why people improved and our society could get better and better. I prefer try to find the string of sparkling memories that encourage us to be the better parents who could supply good quality parenting memories for our next generation. And definitely there should be something good we could find if we try hard.
* The parent is not responsible for the child’s behavior. The parent is responsible for her reaction to the behavior.
* Children of any age have agendas. Your child’s agenda is as important to her as yours is to you. (Their well-being is critically dependent on our approval, but their desire to follow their impulses is often stronger. Old children desperately want their independence but are scared of the responsibility that it brings.) When we acknowledge the importance of their agendas, we are parenting respectfully——our best bet at earning their respect in return. Even when their impulses are getting the best of them, we need to understand and accept them, if not their behavior.
* We can not expect our children to look for and understand the intention behind our reactions. But it is our job to look beneath our children’s behavior for their intentions, rather than taking the behavior literally.
* Children tell us with their behavior what they need. It is our job to understand what that behavior is telling us.
* Anytime we take anything personally, it means it’s hitting a sore spot.
* Parenting the old way, even if you think it was okay for you, may not be okay for your child. But we continue to do it because it’s so hard to do it differently. Human nature resists change——even when we desperately wish for different results in our lives. The most critical reason for not changing our behavior is that the old way has served us for a very long time.
* Parent with control buttons are in constant fear of losing that control to their children. Pushing the control button is a child’s way of saying,” Lighten up and let go of always having to be right. You may find more power in sharing it with me!”
* We do our children no good when we sacrifice ourselves, no matter what the driving force prompting the sacrifice. Of course we must sacrifice much if our agenda when our children are young, but sacrificing our need for self-respect and ignoring our own wishes gives our children a very poor model of adulthood. An adjusted standard——Good parents meet their children’s needs better when their own needs are met first—— will help them develop important boundaries with their kids. By balancing their own needs with the needs of their children, parents will model self-respect and teach their kids the importance of respecting the needs of others.
* Falling is part of learning.
* Remember you will gain nothing and teach nothing by reacting from your emotions.
* Hold on to the idea that your child is having a problem rather than being a problem.
* When you get your button pushed, remember, it’s not about you. Even if your child’s anger is directed at you, even if your child is calling you a name or telling you what a lousy parent you are, it’s not about you. It’s about how your child is feeling. Addressing the feeling. If you think it’s about you, you will not be helpful.
* Detaching does not mean being cold and uncaring. It means having a mental and emotional objectivity so you can see the situation clearly and neutrally. It means taking yourself——your worries, fears, and judgements——out of the picture so you can see the problem itself. If it is hard to mentally detach, physically stepping out of the situation helps. Go into another room or outside. Walking away does not mean your child has won. It means that you have gained enough control to own your emotions and act responsibly. It is better to walk away than to react when your emotions are volatile enough to blame and shame your child.
* Guilt is essential for keeping our behavior in line with our values.
* To raise our children with the ability to trust themselves is the greatest gift a parent can give. As parents’ job is to help kids find their own way, not do it our way. We cannot use our children to fix our problems, but we cannot use our children to help us heal. All it takes to begin is awareness.
* The parent is not responsible for the child’s behavior. The parent is responsible for her reaction to the behavior.
* Children of any age have agendas. Your child’s agenda is as important to her as yours is to you. (Their well-being is critically dependent on our approval, but their desire to follow their impulses is often stronger. Old children desperately want their independence but are scared of the responsibility that it brings.) When we acknowledge the importance of their agendas, we are parenting respectfully——our best bet at earning their respect in return. Even when their impulses are getting the best of them, we need to understand and accept them, if not their behavior.
* We can not expect our children to look for and understand the intention behind our reactions. But it is our job to look beneath our children’s behavior for their intentions, rather than taking the behavior literally.
* Children tell us with their behavior what they need. It is our job to understand what that behavior is telling us.
* Anytime we take anything personally, it means it’s hitting a sore spot.
* Parenting the old way, even if you think it was okay for you, may not be okay for your child. But we continue to do it because it’s so hard to do it differently. Human nature resists change——even when we desperately wish for different results in our lives. The most critical reason for not changing our behavior is that the old way has served us for a very long time.
* Parent with control buttons are in constant fear of losing that control to their children. Pushing the control button is a child’s way of saying,” Lighten up and let go of always having to be right. You may find more power in sharing it with me!”
* We do our children no good when we sacrifice ourselves, no matter what the driving force prompting the sacrifice. Of course we must sacrifice much if our agenda when our children are young, but sacrificing our need for self-respect and ignoring our own wishes gives our children a very poor model of adulthood. An adjusted standard——Good parents meet their children’s needs better when their own needs are met first—— will help them develop important boundaries with their kids. By balancing their own needs with the needs of their children, parents will model self-respect and teach their kids the importance of respecting the needs of others.
* Falling is part of learning.
* Remember you will gain nothing and teach nothing by reacting from your emotions.
* Hold on to the idea that your child is having a problem rather than being a problem.
* When you get your button pushed, remember, it’s not about you. Even if your child’s anger is directed at you, even if your child is calling you a name or telling you what a lousy parent you are, it’s not about you. It’s about how your child is feeling. Addressing the feeling. If you think it’s about you, you will not be helpful.
* Detaching does not mean being cold and uncaring. It means having a mental and emotional objectivity so you can see the situation clearly and neutrally. It means taking yourself——your worries, fears, and judgements——out of the picture so you can see the problem itself. If it is hard to mentally detach, physically stepping out of the situation helps. Go into another room or outside. Walking away does not mean your child has won. It means that you have gained enough control to own your emotions and act responsibly. It is better to walk away than to react when your emotions are volatile enough to blame and shame your child.
* Guilt is essential for keeping our behavior in line with our values.
* To raise our children with the ability to trust themselves is the greatest gift a parent can give. As parents’ job is to help kids find their own way, not do it our way. We cannot use our children to fix our problems, but we cannot use our children to help us heal. All it takes to begin is awareness.
December 14, 2020
One of the most practical and insightful parenting books I've ever read. The examples as well as the writing prompts are extremely helpful.
February 3, 2021
Graduate level parenting work. Exceptional.
February 21, 2014
Without a doubt one of the most helpful parenting boos I've read. For those of us who are challenged by our kids, and struggle to keep our cool, this is just excellent. I love the gentle approach and the focus on HOW to stay calm, not yell, etc. and the psychology behind why they are just so dang frustrating and why, as a parent, it's so hard for me to not blow up. I've read a ton of parenting books about this very topic but there were some real 'aha's' here! This is one I will purchase!
June 4, 2018
I've read this twice now. It is a goldmine for parents.
This is an excellent "troubleshooter" for parents in connecting with their children. My wife and I have listened the to the audio-book several times now and it has great value. This is a more pragmatic approach versus a philosophical one, in my opinion. Which was great for us who tend to be a bit more cerebral. We highly recommend this book!
This is an excellent "troubleshooter" for parents in connecting with their children. My wife and I have listened the to the audio-book several times now and it has great value. This is a more pragmatic approach versus a philosophical one, in my opinion. Which was great for us who tend to be a bit more cerebral. We highly recommend this book!
April 11, 2008
I just picked this up from and garage sale and I have not been able to put it down. I have learned a lot about how to react when Wes "pushes my buttons". I am really liking it, especially for the way it makes me responsible for my behavior and reactions.
July 24, 2008
WOW! The Zen of parenting: parent in the moment, drop your baggage, your children are your teacher
It was practical, easy to relate to, hit all of my issues and was a catalyst for change, I felt motivated and saw immediate results- once I was honest about what my buttons are...WOW!
It was practical, easy to relate to, hit all of my issues and was a catalyst for change, I felt motivated and saw immediate results- once I was honest about what my buttons are...WOW!
September 14, 2008
Decent explanation of what goes into communication with a child, and how we can remember not to actually be the child in our conversations with our children.
June 5, 2020
Despite the awful, misleading title, this was actually a really great book with a lot of deeper thinking involved.
Currently reading
June 18, 2009WISH ME LUCK ON THIS!
June 26, 2010
Had a couple good thoughts for me, but those were mostly quotes from other authors, heh...got me thinking more about keeping calm, flexible, and connected to my kids throughout the day.
May 14, 2010
What can you say about parenting books? This one came at the right time for me...simple advice good insights....maybe it will help next time my kids do something that makes me fly off the handle.
June 8, 2011
I enjoyed the insights of this book and how I was forced think about why I really get mad at my daughter. I think that the ideas can also help us in any relationship in our lives.
January 1, 2010
I've got to spend more time with this one!
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews