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The Wonder of Girls: Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters
The author of The Wonder of Boys introduces a new approach to parenting girls that recognizes and celebrates girls' natural differences from boys; explores the effects of female biology on girls' interests, behavior, and relationships; traces girls' development from birth to age twenty; and offers advice on a wide range of parenting issues.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published June 1, 2001
60 people are currently reading
647 people want to read
About the author
Michael Gurian
58 books72 followersMichael Gurian is an American author and social philosopher. He works as a marriage and family counselor and corporate consultant. He has published twenty-eight books, several of which were New York Times bestseller list bestsellers. He is considered, along with Leonard Sax, as one of the major proponents of the post-modern "single-sex academic classes" movement.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
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November 17, 2019
Recommended to me by my wife. As a father of four daughters, I figured it would probably be a good idea and take her advice and read it. The first several chapters on female brain development and biochemistry were particularly eye opening. It is amazing how in just about every conceivable way, male and female brains develop and process information differently. Despite rigorous science backing up the findings he presents, I expect much of what he writes will be considered highly controversial because it touches directly on the American cultural flash point of sex differences and gender roles and contradicts the popular narrative that these differences are the exclusive result of social or environmental factors.
Controversy aside, I read this to better understand my daughters’ development and hopefully make better-informed decisions as a parent. The book offers several useful recommendations for fathers at each stage of a girl’s development. Many of them seem to me like common sense (though that seems to grow less common with each passing year as fewer and fewer parents act like parents). However, some of his recommendations seem counter-intuitive even for the best parents (for example your daughter needs closer parental attachment, not more space, as she navigates the changes her hormones, brain and body undergo during puberty).
In addition to the science-heavy intro, the latter half of the book focuses more on parenting philosophy and practice. Based on his study of over 30 cultures, he argues that a “three family system” has proven the best way to raise well-adjusted and healthy children (nuclear family, extended family, and a third family such as a church or other community where they have close bonds). He also proposes a “womanist” philosophy that takes the freedoms won by feminism, but that doesn’t sacrifice a woman’s nature (her biological need to be a mother). Essentially, that a woman should follow nature and be a mother during that season of her life before committing to career. While I can appreciate what he is trying to do here, I’m not quite sure he successfully threads the needle. Any decision to have and rear children inevitably comes with some trade-offs, either on the parenting side or in a woman’s ability to advance in the workplace. Womanism sounds like a good idea in the abstract, I’m just not sure it is a philosophy that either feminists or those who are more socially conservative will see as much of a middle ground.
Overall, a really great book. If you want to understand women better (be they wife, daughter, or someone else entirely) this book is a great resource. Highly recommended. 4 stars.
What follows are my notes on the book:
The author’s approach to parenting is based on nature (neurobiology and biochemistry), not ideology (xix). The dominant ideology of the past 70 years, feminism, has put forward a number of theories: 1) girls are the way they are because of socialization; nature plays a smaller role, 2) women do best when independent of men, 3) girls are victims of male-dominant society, 4) gender stereotypes leave girls powerless. The author goes out of his way to extol the gains made by feminism, but caveats that it is incomplete. Despite all these gains, in poll after poll, women today report they are not as happy as their mothers or grandmothers, with the number one reported reason being lack of stable relationships. Men and women need to form intimate, long-lasting, and symbiotic relationships in order to feel safe and personally satisfied. He argues that childless couples can experiment with serial dating, divorce, and social independence without structurally harming a society (read Cheap Sex by Regnerus to see why this is also false), but that couples without strong bonds have a higher likelihood of raising troubled children (7-17).
While stereotypes (glamour magazines, etc) can be harmful, they are not the primary cause of developmental issues. The primary issue is our early-adolescent girls do not get enough attachment, bonding, and information from family. For many (most?), during their 3-5 year transition into womanhood, they feel abandoned. For hormonal, neurological, and psychological reasons, girls in this age group are desperate for love. As they navigate puberty, they do so among fading attachments (both parents working, parents divorce, etc) (20).
Despite the social experiment (from 1965-present) of saying the sexes are the same, there are huge neurological, psychological, biochemical, and physiological differences that feminism simply does account for.
The brain is divided into the cerebral cortex (decision making, language, imagination), limbic system (emotion, sensory, and body cycles: temperature, sleep, menstrual), and brain stem (basic life functions and fight/flight response).
The female brain develops in 4 distinct stages: Child (birth-5), Girl (6-10), Adolescent (11-15), Young Woman (16-20 years old). During the child stage, female brains develop faster, which is why they use more words and speak earlier than boys. The female brain secretes more serotonin leading to more impulse control (i.e. girls generally calmer than boys). It also secretes more oxytocin, which triggers play with “care objects” like dolls. Females have accelerated development of occipital lobe for processing sensory data while the male brain is right-hemisphere dominant i.e. less sensory and more spatial oriented (throwing, jumping, walking, etc). In the Girl stage, the hippocampus is larger than a boy’s, leading to more neuron transmissions, fostering a drive to connect with more people emotionally and intellectually. The Adolescent stage is equivalent to a “neurological traumatic crisis.” Her brain is growing as fast as during infancy, fostering new abilities to process abstract ideas , argue, etc, but also produces numerous crashes that we equate to drops in self-esteem (this is normal part of her development). Things she does during this period (12-14), tend to stick with her and she will not be good at things she didn’t practice then. As her brain develops rapidly, she needs increased attachment from parents, teachers, coaches, etc. If she has a stable family life and strong attachments during this stage, she will be stronger, more competent, and less neurotic by age 25. Stage 3 girls’ PET scans show more activity than male brains. Male brains are single task oriented while girls take in multiple factors before making decisions. This tends to lead girls to be malleable, relying on others to make decisions for her (being talked into sex for example). Today’s culture of overstimulation and technology are re-wiring their brains such that they have increased stress without corresponding family safety. Divorce and other issues during stage 3 cause the female brain to release more cortisol, making girls more prone to depression and other disorders than boys. By stage 4 (age 17), the corpus callosum is 25% larger than boys (greater cross-talk between brain hemispheres, better multitasking), frontal lobes are more active (better speakers/writers), occipital lobe is more developed (better at reading emotions and expressions), more data flows thru parietal lobes (more tactile than boys (playing with hair, etc), stronger connections in temporal lobe (better memory and listening), the thalamus processes more (emotional) data than boys, more neurotransmission in her cerebral cortex (more going on in multiple parts of her brain than a boys), prefrontal cortex developed before males (more mature morally, more empathetic) (26-52).
Female brain has 15% more blood flow, and in more areas, meaning it is broadly more active than male brains, even at rest (much harder for a woman to “turn her brain off” than men). Because of this greater flow, the female brain is, by its genetic structure, less prone to attention (ADD, ADHD) problems (56). The Cingulate Gyrus is a group of cells in the female limbic system linked to female (specifically maternal) bonding. The Gyrus carries oxytocin receptors that foster this drive for intimacy (hearing a baby cry raises her oxytocin level). Males have no equivalent hormonal response in their brain (60).
During puberty, numerous hormones take primary control over her emotional, psychological, and mental transformation for several years. Estrogen controls neurotransmitters in charge of mood, thought process, perception, memory, motivation, intimacy, appetite, and sex drive. Progesterone is the opposing hormone that tamps down estrogen to enable reproduction. Females have 20x less testosterone than men. Higher testosterone in both men and women = less depression, more aggression, more libido. These hormones (plus several others in smaller doses) fluctuate during her monthly cycle. During 1st half, estrogen and endorphin levels are high meaning stable and upbeat mood. Mid-cycle, estrogen shoots up, then drops suddenly leading to withdrawal and causing mood swing, anxiety, etc. During ovulation, estrogen rises again along with progesterone attaching to brain receptors, leading to mood stabilization and feeling of wellness. In the final stage, estrogen, progesterone, and endorphins drop (he equates it to trauma) leading to anger, hypersensitivity, irritability, sadness, etc (78-84).
Female biochemistry drives intimacy as the highest personal imperative (unlike feminist theory which elevates traditionally male measures of success (work)). When we compare female to male hormones, they run on different cycles. For men, testosterone (sex and aggression) peak diurnally (daily), not monthly. The abundance of this hormone spikes competitive, not intimate or conciliatory behavior. Males can remain independent/stoic for months on end because they do not have a monthly cycle of hormones drawing them back to the intimacy imperative (91).
In his practice, the author observed in over 30 cultures how well-adjusted children were raised. He advocates for a “three family system”: nuclear family, extended family, and a third family (institutions) like church, neighborhoods (like they used to be), etc (children must have family-like attachments to people in the third family) (94).
He argues for a middle ground between feminism (career first) and the view that women must stay home. Nothing is more important than mothering; once girls know this, it relieves a great deal of psychological confusion. Workplace activity is valuable but secondary. Infant attachment to primary caregiver is one of the primary indicators of later success in life (and absence of eating or cutting disorders) (111). In large day care centers, children rarely bond with stranger charged with caring for them.
Half of all girls are raised without fathers. Without a father bond, girls are more likely to: be sexually abused, experience violence, divorce, get lower grades, display emotional/behavioral problems, live in poverty, work low-paying jobs, have children while still children themselves, commit suicide, do drugs, run away, and end up in jail (160). Fathers should complement all aspects, not just one (like beauty). Girls who enjoy relationships with a father during adolescence, have more self-confidence and achieve more in school. Unfortunately, early adolescence is exactly when most fathers step back.
Focusing on self-esteem directly is ineffective. Four issues drive female self-esteem: 1) helping girls find meaning in their emotional biology; 2) helping girls understand the 3-family system; 3) helping girls take personal responsibility for their emotional life; 4) helping girls focus their emotional development on issues of character, morality, and spirituality (195). In therapy sessions with girls, the best improvement came with improvement in family bonds (family rituals, family time, game nights, camping trips, meals together, family vacations, daddy-daughter dates, etc).
Divorce is 1 of 2 most common reasons for teen professional therapy (the other is abuse). Teen girls will face prolonged emotional crisis during adolescence if you divorce. This can be eased if parents discover emotional equilibrium and do not remain enemies with their ex (223).
These days modesty is not considered a virtue. Today, girls feel driven to do whatever it takes to get the affection of someone who is attaching to them (“if you loved me you’d give me a blowjob”). When girls give up modesty, they risk the loss of self in their “heroine’s journey”. Girls need us to talk to them about sex myths such as “guys will love you if you have sex with them”. Women know intuitively from their biology that female sexuality is a crucial part of female character building and sexual decisions are important (270).
Controversy aside, I read this to better understand my daughters’ development and hopefully make better-informed decisions as a parent. The book offers several useful recommendations for fathers at each stage of a girl’s development. Many of them seem to me like common sense (though that seems to grow less common with each passing year as fewer and fewer parents act like parents). However, some of his recommendations seem counter-intuitive even for the best parents (for example your daughter needs closer parental attachment, not more space, as she navigates the changes her hormones, brain and body undergo during puberty).
In addition to the science-heavy intro, the latter half of the book focuses more on parenting philosophy and practice. Based on his study of over 30 cultures, he argues that a “three family system” has proven the best way to raise well-adjusted and healthy children (nuclear family, extended family, and a third family such as a church or other community where they have close bonds). He also proposes a “womanist” philosophy that takes the freedoms won by feminism, but that doesn’t sacrifice a woman’s nature (her biological need to be a mother). Essentially, that a woman should follow nature and be a mother during that season of her life before committing to career. While I can appreciate what he is trying to do here, I’m not quite sure he successfully threads the needle. Any decision to have and rear children inevitably comes with some trade-offs, either on the parenting side or in a woman’s ability to advance in the workplace. Womanism sounds like a good idea in the abstract, I’m just not sure it is a philosophy that either feminists or those who are more socially conservative will see as much of a middle ground.
Overall, a really great book. If you want to understand women better (be they wife, daughter, or someone else entirely) this book is a great resource. Highly recommended. 4 stars.
What follows are my notes on the book:
The author’s approach to parenting is based on nature (neurobiology and biochemistry), not ideology (xix). The dominant ideology of the past 70 years, feminism, has put forward a number of theories: 1) girls are the way they are because of socialization; nature plays a smaller role, 2) women do best when independent of men, 3) girls are victims of male-dominant society, 4) gender stereotypes leave girls powerless. The author goes out of his way to extol the gains made by feminism, but caveats that it is incomplete. Despite all these gains, in poll after poll, women today report they are not as happy as their mothers or grandmothers, with the number one reported reason being lack of stable relationships. Men and women need to form intimate, long-lasting, and symbiotic relationships in order to feel safe and personally satisfied. He argues that childless couples can experiment with serial dating, divorce, and social independence without structurally harming a society (read Cheap Sex by Regnerus to see why this is also false), but that couples without strong bonds have a higher likelihood of raising troubled children (7-17).
While stereotypes (glamour magazines, etc) can be harmful, they are not the primary cause of developmental issues. The primary issue is our early-adolescent girls do not get enough attachment, bonding, and information from family. For many (most?), during their 3-5 year transition into womanhood, they feel abandoned. For hormonal, neurological, and psychological reasons, girls in this age group are desperate for love. As they navigate puberty, they do so among fading attachments (both parents working, parents divorce, etc) (20).
Despite the social experiment (from 1965-present) of saying the sexes are the same, there are huge neurological, psychological, biochemical, and physiological differences that feminism simply does account for.
The brain is divided into the cerebral cortex (decision making, language, imagination), limbic system (emotion, sensory, and body cycles: temperature, sleep, menstrual), and brain stem (basic life functions and fight/flight response).
The female brain develops in 4 distinct stages: Child (birth-5), Girl (6-10), Adolescent (11-15), Young Woman (16-20 years old). During the child stage, female brains develop faster, which is why they use more words and speak earlier than boys. The female brain secretes more serotonin leading to more impulse control (i.e. girls generally calmer than boys). It also secretes more oxytocin, which triggers play with “care objects” like dolls. Females have accelerated development of occipital lobe for processing sensory data while the male brain is right-hemisphere dominant i.e. less sensory and more spatial oriented (throwing, jumping, walking, etc). In the Girl stage, the hippocampus is larger than a boy’s, leading to more neuron transmissions, fostering a drive to connect with more people emotionally and intellectually. The Adolescent stage is equivalent to a “neurological traumatic crisis.” Her brain is growing as fast as during infancy, fostering new abilities to process abstract ideas , argue, etc, but also produces numerous crashes that we equate to drops in self-esteem (this is normal part of her development). Things she does during this period (12-14), tend to stick with her and she will not be good at things she didn’t practice then. As her brain develops rapidly, she needs increased attachment from parents, teachers, coaches, etc. If she has a stable family life and strong attachments during this stage, she will be stronger, more competent, and less neurotic by age 25. Stage 3 girls’ PET scans show more activity than male brains. Male brains are single task oriented while girls take in multiple factors before making decisions. This tends to lead girls to be malleable, relying on others to make decisions for her (being talked into sex for example). Today’s culture of overstimulation and technology are re-wiring their brains such that they have increased stress without corresponding family safety. Divorce and other issues during stage 3 cause the female brain to release more cortisol, making girls more prone to depression and other disorders than boys. By stage 4 (age 17), the corpus callosum is 25% larger than boys (greater cross-talk between brain hemispheres, better multitasking), frontal lobes are more active (better speakers/writers), occipital lobe is more developed (better at reading emotions and expressions), more data flows thru parietal lobes (more tactile than boys (playing with hair, etc), stronger connections in temporal lobe (better memory and listening), the thalamus processes more (emotional) data than boys, more neurotransmission in her cerebral cortex (more going on in multiple parts of her brain than a boys), prefrontal cortex developed before males (more mature morally, more empathetic) (26-52).
Female brain has 15% more blood flow, and in more areas, meaning it is broadly more active than male brains, even at rest (much harder for a woman to “turn her brain off” than men). Because of this greater flow, the female brain is, by its genetic structure, less prone to attention (ADD, ADHD) problems (56). The Cingulate Gyrus is a group of cells in the female limbic system linked to female (specifically maternal) bonding. The Gyrus carries oxytocin receptors that foster this drive for intimacy (hearing a baby cry raises her oxytocin level). Males have no equivalent hormonal response in their brain (60).
During puberty, numerous hormones take primary control over her emotional, psychological, and mental transformation for several years. Estrogen controls neurotransmitters in charge of mood, thought process, perception, memory, motivation, intimacy, appetite, and sex drive. Progesterone is the opposing hormone that tamps down estrogen to enable reproduction. Females have 20x less testosterone than men. Higher testosterone in both men and women = less depression, more aggression, more libido. These hormones (plus several others in smaller doses) fluctuate during her monthly cycle. During 1st half, estrogen and endorphin levels are high meaning stable and upbeat mood. Mid-cycle, estrogen shoots up, then drops suddenly leading to withdrawal and causing mood swing, anxiety, etc. During ovulation, estrogen rises again along with progesterone attaching to brain receptors, leading to mood stabilization and feeling of wellness. In the final stage, estrogen, progesterone, and endorphins drop (he equates it to trauma) leading to anger, hypersensitivity, irritability, sadness, etc (78-84).
Female biochemistry drives intimacy as the highest personal imperative (unlike feminist theory which elevates traditionally male measures of success (work)). When we compare female to male hormones, they run on different cycles. For men, testosterone (sex and aggression) peak diurnally (daily), not monthly. The abundance of this hormone spikes competitive, not intimate or conciliatory behavior. Males can remain independent/stoic for months on end because they do not have a monthly cycle of hormones drawing them back to the intimacy imperative (91).
In his practice, the author observed in over 30 cultures how well-adjusted children were raised. He advocates for a “three family system”: nuclear family, extended family, and a third family (institutions) like church, neighborhoods (like they used to be), etc (children must have family-like attachments to people in the third family) (94).
He argues for a middle ground between feminism (career first) and the view that women must stay home. Nothing is more important than mothering; once girls know this, it relieves a great deal of psychological confusion. Workplace activity is valuable but secondary. Infant attachment to primary caregiver is one of the primary indicators of later success in life (and absence of eating or cutting disorders) (111). In large day care centers, children rarely bond with stranger charged with caring for them.
Half of all girls are raised without fathers. Without a father bond, girls are more likely to: be sexually abused, experience violence, divorce, get lower grades, display emotional/behavioral problems, live in poverty, work low-paying jobs, have children while still children themselves, commit suicide, do drugs, run away, and end up in jail (160). Fathers should complement all aspects, not just one (like beauty). Girls who enjoy relationships with a father during adolescence, have more self-confidence and achieve more in school. Unfortunately, early adolescence is exactly when most fathers step back.
Focusing on self-esteem directly is ineffective. Four issues drive female self-esteem: 1) helping girls find meaning in their emotional biology; 2) helping girls understand the 3-family system; 3) helping girls take personal responsibility for their emotional life; 4) helping girls focus their emotional development on issues of character, morality, and spirituality (195). In therapy sessions with girls, the best improvement came with improvement in family bonds (family rituals, family time, game nights, camping trips, meals together, family vacations, daddy-daughter dates, etc).
Divorce is 1 of 2 most common reasons for teen professional therapy (the other is abuse). Teen girls will face prolonged emotional crisis during adolescence if you divorce. This can be eased if parents discover emotional equilibrium and do not remain enemies with their ex (223).
These days modesty is not considered a virtue. Today, girls feel driven to do whatever it takes to get the affection of someone who is attaching to them (“if you loved me you’d give me a blowjob”). When girls give up modesty, they risk the loss of self in their “heroine’s journey”. Girls need us to talk to them about sex myths such as “guys will love you if you have sex with them”. Women know intuitively from their biology that female sexuality is a crucial part of female character building and sexual decisions are important (270).
June 26, 2015
The best part of this book is the straightforward description of female brain chemistry and hormones and how they differ from that of males and affect behavior, moods, relationships, etc. I like that he looks at common adolescent problems through that lens, looking for biological answers rather than simply blaming family and/or culture (e.g. eating disorders aren't necessarily simply about wanting to look like a model). Another highlight was his "womanist" re-reading of the Cinderella fairy tale (he argues that the old fairy tales aren't as sexist as they may seem on the surface and gives a pretty convincing argument).
Much of the rest of the book I found repetitive and somewhat common-sense. He repeatedly emphasizes the biological need of women for intimacy. OK, I'll buy that. So give your daughter love, mentors, etc. No big surprise there.
What shocked me was that although the book mentions there are individual variations among females, he never acknowledges that some girls develop to be lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. It's as if every single female alive is wired in the standard female way and is destined to have traditional relationships with men. Perhaps he is socially conservative. But given the very clinical approach to understanding what makes women tick, I would expect at least some type of explanation.
As with many self-help type books, you have to sift through this for the information that suits your interests and needs.
Much of the rest of the book I found repetitive and somewhat common-sense. He repeatedly emphasizes the biological need of women for intimacy. OK, I'll buy that. So give your daughter love, mentors, etc. No big surprise there.
What shocked me was that although the book mentions there are individual variations among females, he never acknowledges that some girls develop to be lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. It's as if every single female alive is wired in the standard female way and is destined to have traditional relationships with men. Perhaps he is socially conservative. But given the very clinical approach to understanding what makes women tick, I would expect at least some type of explanation.
As with many self-help type books, you have to sift through this for the information that suits your interests and needs.
January 16, 2008
An expert in psychological and neurobiological research, Gurian presents a thouroughly interesting look into the female brain and its growth and development from conception through adulthood. Though written from a very secular perspective (his claims of men's and women's brains evolving into the complicated and distinctly different organs they are today are even more preposterous in light of the miracles of brain development his research reveals) the author, in doing an intense study of God's creation, has discovered much truth in his analysis of the female brain. He explains clearly that it is nature, not nurture, that makes girls distinctly feminine, and provides wonderful biological explanations for why we find in our mothers and daughters a greater penchant for caring for children and for intimate relationships with others than exist in most boys. A must read (with a discerning eye) for parents of daughters and husbands of wives.
**HIGHLIGHTS**
Chapter One:
"Because of structural and functional differences in the female and male brains, girls sense, remember, enjoy and experience personal needs and desires differently than boys. They use their bodies differently, and their words."
Chapter Two:
"The female brain also secretes more oxytocin than a male's. Oxytocin secretion directly relates to play with 'care objects' or babies....Oxytocin in the brain rises when human females are near a baby, small animal, or other object needing care."
Chapter Three:
"Given the complexity of the female monthly cycle, it would be difficult for a girl not to experience many of the characteristics of a bipolar or other mood disorder."
Chapter Four:
"Mothering is a sacred profession that has, in our day and age, been relegated to a sub-profession: hence, mothers live today in an unavoidable tension, a juggling of selves, and at times, a kind of shame. Given the way nature is, reight before our eyes, calling most women, no matter their culture, to mother children at a certain stage of their lives, the tension mothers feel today is a sadness they carry along with their passionate, intense love of their children."
"For basic training of [your daughter's] natural impulses (sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom) [her mind] seeks consistency and builds self-discipline by knowing what to expect and how to acienve what's expected...in all areas."
Chapter Five:
"A father's love can make or break a girl. Just as there is no way to understate the importance of a mother in a girl's life, there is no way to understate a father's. He is the hero of her childhood and often a wall she pushes against during her adolescence. His if often both the rule-maker, laying out laws of discipline and competence, and hte rule-breaker, helping his daughter take risks, push the envelope and explore uncharted worlds."
Chapter Six:
"Every human being is emotionally fragile and yet there are certain ways that adolescent girls are particularly fragile, and require our special attention..."
Chapter Seven:
"Just as there is a dark side to being male...there is also a dark side to the feminine--hyper-manipulation, lying, pretending nothing is wrong, excessive materialism, verbal nastiness, shaming of others' core self, and, sometimes, violence."
Chapter Eight:
"Throughout human history, one of the best ways to judge the health of a civilization has been the careful determination of how it supports the mothers of its children."
"Given the incredible amount of information a girl faces from media, schools, peers--and in her own self-reflection--critical thinking skills--specifically about who a girl is and should become--are essential to the development of daughters."
**HIGHLIGHTS**
Chapter One:
"Because of structural and functional differences in the female and male brains, girls sense, remember, enjoy and experience personal needs and desires differently than boys. They use their bodies differently, and their words."
Chapter Two:
"The female brain also secretes more oxytocin than a male's. Oxytocin secretion directly relates to play with 'care objects' or babies....Oxytocin in the brain rises when human females are near a baby, small animal, or other object needing care."
Chapter Three:
"Given the complexity of the female monthly cycle, it would be difficult for a girl not to experience many of the characteristics of a bipolar or other mood disorder."
Chapter Four:
"Mothering is a sacred profession that has, in our day and age, been relegated to a sub-profession: hence, mothers live today in an unavoidable tension, a juggling of selves, and at times, a kind of shame. Given the way nature is, reight before our eyes, calling most women, no matter their culture, to mother children at a certain stage of their lives, the tension mothers feel today is a sadness they carry along with their passionate, intense love of their children."
"For basic training of [your daughter's] natural impulses (sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom) [her mind] seeks consistency and builds self-discipline by knowing what to expect and how to acienve what's expected...in all areas."
Chapter Five:
"A father's love can make or break a girl. Just as there is no way to understate the importance of a mother in a girl's life, there is no way to understate a father's. He is the hero of her childhood and often a wall she pushes against during her adolescence. His if often both the rule-maker, laying out laws of discipline and competence, and hte rule-breaker, helping his daughter take risks, push the envelope and explore uncharted worlds."
Chapter Six:
"Every human being is emotionally fragile and yet there are certain ways that adolescent girls are particularly fragile, and require our special attention..."
Chapter Seven:
"Just as there is a dark side to being male...there is also a dark side to the feminine--hyper-manipulation, lying, pretending nothing is wrong, excessive materialism, verbal nastiness, shaming of others' core self, and, sometimes, violence."
Chapter Eight:
"Throughout human history, one of the best ways to judge the health of a civilization has been the careful determination of how it supports the mothers of its children."
"Given the incredible amount of information a girl faces from media, schools, peers--and in her own self-reflection--critical thinking skills--specifically about who a girl is and should become--are essential to the development of daughters."
September 22, 2008
This author was recommended by my sister in law Lisa. It is very insightful. I like that Mr. Gurian encourages good values in parenting and ways to keep our children healthy and happy as they grow- with biological explanations to back things up.
December 31, 2008
Incredibly helpful as was his The Wonder of Boys. Puts an understanding of the issues related to raising girls (and boys) into so many contexts that one doesn't usually find in this kind of book, including biochemical, genetic, sociological, historical and all the usual. Very useful.
June 19, 2017
I'm giving it 4 stars because I think if I had skipped the first two chapters that's what I would give it. The first few chapters (which I almost didn't make it past) felt like the author kept repeating all the cool things he was going to tell us without ever actually telling us anything.
The book is a nature-based approach to understanding women and girls. It's meant as a resource for parents, and I found it quite interesting as a father (never having been a girl). Given that it's nature-based but fairly progressive, it's sure to annoy "hard core feminists" (though that term is so broad as to be largely useless), as well as "hard core traditionalists" (again an overly broad term). He talks about traditions from several cultures (in which he has lived and/or studied) and how they have helped raise women productively.
I haven't done any fact checking, partly because my personal opinion is that any book like this should always be taken with a large amount of skepticism before applying to any individual. The individual in our daughters will often (perhaps always) outweigh any generic advice that can be given. And yet, I think he lays a broad framework in which many girls can understand themselves and grow. And of course, large parts are applicable to men and boys as well.
The book is a nature-based approach to understanding women and girls. It's meant as a resource for parents, and I found it quite interesting as a father (never having been a girl). Given that it's nature-based but fairly progressive, it's sure to annoy "hard core feminists" (though that term is so broad as to be largely useless), as well as "hard core traditionalists" (again an overly broad term). He talks about traditions from several cultures (in which he has lived and/or studied) and how they have helped raise women productively.
I haven't done any fact checking, partly because my personal opinion is that any book like this should always be taken with a large amount of skepticism before applying to any individual. The individual in our daughters will often (perhaps always) outweigh any generic advice that can be given. And yet, I think he lays a broad framework in which many girls can understand themselves and grow. And of course, large parts are applicable to men and boys as well.
August 19, 2017
The Wonder of Girls is a book that involves looking at the basic biochemistry of girls as they become women and making societal inferences based on that information. There are a few references to boys as a differentiation method. For example, when asked to think of nothing, boys and men do so and have less blood flow to the upper regions of the brain. Girls and women, who frequently are incapable of thinking of nothing, do not have this lack of blood flow to the upper brain. The inference that is made that women, as a tendency, are analyzing the same data much more then men typically would. While this information is interesting, and sometimes useful, Gurian spends many more words to say it. The last chapters, involving Cinderella, are quite interesting. This book has been recommended to others even though the reading was incomplete.
May 29, 2017
Great parent guide. I read Gurian's The Wonder of Boys last summer and got so much that I put into practice that I had to read this one. Biggest take away for me is the idea that kids need three families in their developmental years: the nuclear family, the extended family, and the organizational or communitarian family. Hard to maintain all three of those in lives as busy as ours but essential. I also appreciated the discussion of the influence of biology in learning and development, something we don't pay enough attention to, especially in classrooms. Great book. This is one that I will go back through and compile notes from.
January 27, 2018
This was a great scientific read. I really learned a lot about myself and my daughter. I found some of his views and values didn’t align with my values but felt as though he did a good job separate his opinions from fact when the majority of the book is based on scientific studies and fact. I would recommend this book to anyone with daughters. Understanding what is physiologically happening gives us so much more wisdom, and grace to parent well.
May 25, 2019
thought provoking and a lot of good ideas. even though it isn't explicitly christian - the author seemed to have a more 'inclusive' mindset when it comes to religion - it still can give anyone some very basic and helpful thoughts related to gender and what it means to be a girl/woman and what things are essential for a healthy life.
June 27, 2019
The most useful information is regarding hormones and biochemistry effects on girls. The rest of the book could have been significantly shorter and I found many of the other assertions less evidence-based.
March 31, 2022
Well, what a fascinating book!! I have learned so much that I plan to incorporate into both my daughters’ lives. I must revisit this book. I have many flags that I need to take notes from!! Excellent.
August 1, 2022
The beginning of the book was great, until it recommended smacking children and giving time outs. For something that started with a lot of scientific fact I was surprised. I stuck at it, the end was ok. Mostly related our girls to the story of Cinderella.
January 29, 2024
I enjoyed the insight about the development of the female brain. Insightful and informative.
June 28, 2025
Pseudoscience actively trying to reinforce strict gender norms. Stay far away from this.
January 30, 2011
The Wonder of Girls: Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters by Michael Gurian was recommended to me by a good friend who has read the same book. Since I had a baby girl recently, I was stacking up on worthy parenting books and decided to buy this one after doing some digging on it. The book is filled with controversy where the author talks without boundaries about topics such as sexuality, mental disorders, and differences between male and female. Luckily, I love controversy and the author does have some valuable credibility to his name as he is a family therapist who has studied many cultures, a psychologist, and a neurobiology researcher who has two daughters of his own.
The Wonder of Girls differs from other parenting books as the advice given is supported by research done on more than thirty cultures around the world. The author himself has lived among many of these cultures and speaks from experience. One of the main points that the author makes is that intimate relationships are at the core of female existence. He calls it the “heart of femininity”. Girls and women cannot function without intimate attachments to parents, friends, and romantic partners. Just as males need status, females need intimacy. Women, much more than men, think about their life relationships, how they can make them better, what had gone wrong, how to provide support, etc. Throughout all stages of a female’s life, parents need to pay extra attention to being open with their daughters about everything, and more importantly, being there for them always, even when it seems they don’t want parents around.
To make the book even more interesting, the author delves on differences between males and females. Everybody always talks of how men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Well, you will learn once you read this book that there is a lot of truth to that saying. Along with the facts on the differences between male and female brains and how they develop, the author describes families that he was treating. One mother who had both a daughter and a son had told him that she raised them exactly the same way, yet they behave completely different. The two year old daughter once cried when she noticed that she didn’t have any flowers on her socks. And the boy, not much older, pretended to hold a gun while holding a fan instead.
The author tries to instill in parents a nature-based parenting style versus nurture-based parenting (i.e. girls and women go through a monthly cycle through which their hormones change and as a result so does their behaviour and parents need to recognize this and act towards their daughters accordingly). While reading this information wealthy book, I kept returning to my own childhood, the relationships I had with my mother and father and the things they’ve taught me, things that would never cross my mind had I not read this book. I’m thankful that it gave me the opportunity to remember with more insight. The Wonder of Girls: Undrstanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters is a true gem that I will keep referring to during the different stages of my daughter’s life and I highly recommend it to all parents with daughters.
Here are some of my favourite quotations from the book:
“I know myself as a man, to be capable of both beautiful and cruel intimacies, and yet I know I am different from my wife and daughters. There is something about the female experience of intimacy that I will never understand because I don’t live it.”
“A mother’s eyes carry a piece of her daughter’s soul, and that brings to the relationship of mother and daughter an intrinsic understanding of each other, and at some point, the need to pull away.”
“No life is without the promise of the dance that follows harvest.”
The Wonder of Girls differs from other parenting books as the advice given is supported by research done on more than thirty cultures around the world. The author himself has lived among many of these cultures and speaks from experience. One of the main points that the author makes is that intimate relationships are at the core of female existence. He calls it the “heart of femininity”. Girls and women cannot function without intimate attachments to parents, friends, and romantic partners. Just as males need status, females need intimacy. Women, much more than men, think about their life relationships, how they can make them better, what had gone wrong, how to provide support, etc. Throughout all stages of a female’s life, parents need to pay extra attention to being open with their daughters about everything, and more importantly, being there for them always, even when it seems they don’t want parents around.
To make the book even more interesting, the author delves on differences between males and females. Everybody always talks of how men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Well, you will learn once you read this book that there is a lot of truth to that saying. Along with the facts on the differences between male and female brains and how they develop, the author describes families that he was treating. One mother who had both a daughter and a son had told him that she raised them exactly the same way, yet they behave completely different. The two year old daughter once cried when she noticed that she didn’t have any flowers on her socks. And the boy, not much older, pretended to hold a gun while holding a fan instead.
The author tries to instill in parents a nature-based parenting style versus nurture-based parenting (i.e. girls and women go through a monthly cycle through which their hormones change and as a result so does their behaviour and parents need to recognize this and act towards their daughters accordingly). While reading this information wealthy book, I kept returning to my own childhood, the relationships I had with my mother and father and the things they’ve taught me, things that would never cross my mind had I not read this book. I’m thankful that it gave me the opportunity to remember with more insight. The Wonder of Girls: Undrstanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters is a true gem that I will keep referring to during the different stages of my daughter’s life and I highly recommend it to all parents with daughters.
Here are some of my favourite quotations from the book:
“I know myself as a man, to be capable of both beautiful and cruel intimacies, and yet I know I am different from my wife and daughters. There is something about the female experience of intimacy that I will never understand because I don’t live it.”
“A mother’s eyes carry a piece of her daughter’s soul, and that brings to the relationship of mother and daughter an intrinsic understanding of each other, and at some point, the need to pull away.”
“No life is without the promise of the dance that follows harvest.”
January 21, 2025
It’s based on a different world view and philosophy for sure, also didn’t learn much new from the “science”
October 7, 2014
Thought-provoking and encouraging. I learned a lot about myself and my fellow females and gained new perspective on both parenting a teenage girl and on being a wife and mother. The cycles we go through are dramatic and exhausting, but they're also thrilling and exciting. I love the idea of watching all the emotion flow by like a river sometimes. Just letting the feelings wash by, feeling them and then letting them go, without needing to analyze or react to every one. I like the idea of being a 'womanist', anticipating and respecting the changes we will experience monthly, seasonally, and throughout our lives. I loved having this book as an impetus for talking about these ideas and issues with my daughter and my husband.
I did not like the author's assertion that religion is a necessary tool in parenting. While I feel connecting spiritually with something is important, I do not feel it is appropriate to appeal to any higher imaginary authority for back up in parenting. I also greatly disagree with his example of pinching a toddler to 'show instead of tell' how a pulled tail might feel. To me, this approach seems disrespectful and likely to lead to the responsive disrespectful behaviors that make him feel like he needs God to back him up. As adults, if we model respect, responsibility, and resourcefulness in our parenting and lives, we are likely to see those skills reflected in our children as they grow. I think he also missed the boat by failing to talk about using 'I messages', listening carefully to your kids, and being positive as much as you can.
This is not the be-all-end-all parenting book. I like 'Teenproofing' far better, though it has some approaches I question, too. But Gurian's book is certainly valuable in my toolbox of parenting, and his ideas create a great starting point for conversation and thought about parenting young women purposefully and effectively.
I did not like the author's assertion that religion is a necessary tool in parenting. While I feel connecting spiritually with something is important, I do not feel it is appropriate to appeal to any higher imaginary authority for back up in parenting. I also greatly disagree with his example of pinching a toddler to 'show instead of tell' how a pulled tail might feel. To me, this approach seems disrespectful and likely to lead to the responsive disrespectful behaviors that make him feel like he needs God to back him up. As adults, if we model respect, responsibility, and resourcefulness in our parenting and lives, we are likely to see those skills reflected in our children as they grow. I think he also missed the boat by failing to talk about using 'I messages', listening carefully to your kids, and being positive as much as you can.
This is not the be-all-end-all parenting book. I like 'Teenproofing' far better, though it has some approaches I question, too. But Gurian's book is certainly valuable in my toolbox of parenting, and his ideas create a great starting point for conversation and thought about parenting young women purposefully and effectively.
September 14, 2016
I didn't agree with everything Gurian said (e.g., some of the phrasing and discussion regarding sexuality) in this book, but overall I'm very glad I read it. I especially appreciated the reminder of how our hormonal cycles affect our behavior as girls and women, the chapters devoted to mothers and fathers of girls, holding a puberty rite of passage, and the tenets of the "sacred feminine role".
April 30, 2015
It occurred to me during the reading of this book that it was somewhat ironic that I was reading it at the same time as I was listening to Jack Donovan's "The Way of Men" on audible. Ironies aside, this book has a lot to recommend it. Michael Gurian uses his research into neurobiology endocrinology and multicultural child development, to shed some light on the biological development of girls into women. In doing so he rejects the feminist narrative of predominantly socially determine gender roles, and resoundingly supports a biological basis for the different psychologies of men and women. He is careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, in that he does not reject the role of feminism inadvocating for women's equality, as far as it goes. Overall an excellent critique of feminism and of societies misunderstanding of biological roles of men and women. He is at his best in discussing the damage that this ignorance does in the development of girls.
Only four stars because the research is poorly described, the endocrinology is extremely basic and crude, although not incorrect as far as it went. Also, his language is a little hippie ask at times, and in order to use his ideas fully, they would need to be matched up with what John Paul II would call an adequate anthropology. Possibly in the interest of avoiding giving offense or alienating parts of his audience, his discussion of spiritual and moral development is vague and wishy-washy.
Only four stars because the research is poorly described, the endocrinology is extremely basic and crude, although not incorrect as far as it went. Also, his language is a little hippie ask at times, and in order to use his ideas fully, they would need to be matched up with what John Paul II would call an adequate anthropology. Possibly in the interest of avoiding giving offense or alienating parts of his audience, his discussion of spiritual and moral development is vague and wishy-washy.
February 23, 2010
I was pretty impressed by this book. Some highlights for me:
* a perspective on girls' hormonal and brain development and how it affects emotions and socialization
* specific age-specific lists of social and emotional changes to expect as daughters develop
* an appreciation that males and females are truly different in important ways, including that females have an intimacy imperative, or need to bond with and nurture others
* specific parenting techniques, including how to deal with daughters' sad or angry episodes
* philosophy of Womanism vs. Feminism. I'm in! I'm going to call myself a Womanist if I ever find myself in a discussion about feminism or women's roles. I especially appreciate the validation of women's need to mother, whether their own biological children or in other arenas.
My only hesitations in recommending this book are:
* The neuro-biological explanations seemed a bit too in-depth (I found myself skimming sections).
* The extended Cinderella metaphor didn't do much for me (again, skimmed it).
* The suggested book/movie list at the end seems a bit wacky to me--Come, on, are you seriously recommending Titanic as a movie to encourage brave, independent, young women? But it's a minor part of the book, sneaked into the appendix.
Definitely a book worth reading for mothers of daughters.
* a perspective on girls' hormonal and brain development and how it affects emotions and socialization
* specific age-specific lists of social and emotional changes to expect as daughters develop
* an appreciation that males and females are truly different in important ways, including that females have an intimacy imperative, or need to bond with and nurture others
* specific parenting techniques, including how to deal with daughters' sad or angry episodes
* philosophy of Womanism vs. Feminism. I'm in! I'm going to call myself a Womanist if I ever find myself in a discussion about feminism or women's roles. I especially appreciate the validation of women's need to mother, whether their own biological children or in other arenas.
My only hesitations in recommending this book are:
* The neuro-biological explanations seemed a bit too in-depth (I found myself skimming sections).
* The extended Cinderella metaphor didn't do much for me (again, skimmed it).
* The suggested book/movie list at the end seems a bit wacky to me--Come, on, are you seriously recommending Titanic as a movie to encourage brave, independent, young women? But it's a minor part of the book, sneaked into the appendix.
Definitely a book worth reading for mothers of daughters.
January 1, 2022
I have four daughters ages 3, 5, 7, and 9 years old and I greatly enjoyed this book. The chapters on How Her Mind Works and The Hidden World: the biochemistry of girls’ life I thought were particularly interesting. I have marked these as well as the Artful Mother as chapters to reread at each of my girls’ 9th birthday as a reminder of what is going on in each of them! I think this book will be highly instructional for my husband to read, not just to better understand his daughters but also me!
Gurian consistently emphasizes the need for strong family bonds in the raising of our daughters. Things we have lost, including rites of passage for our adolescent daughters. Reduced media time and more family time. Gurian says that the human brain (male and female) is under far more stress now than ever before. It is reacting in gender-specific neurological ways to the stress. He gives some practical ways to combat this stress with your daughters.
I also appreciated his comments regarding mothering as a high ideal in female life. Marginalizing motherhood and family for the sake of consumption of goods and products is detrimental to our society. Girls need to learn that motherhood is a good and noble thing to look forward to. Not that it is the ONLY thing ahead of them but that it has value both for themselves and society.
Gurian consistently emphasizes the need for strong family bonds in the raising of our daughters. Things we have lost, including rites of passage for our adolescent daughters. Reduced media time and more family time. Gurian says that the human brain (male and female) is under far more stress now than ever before. It is reacting in gender-specific neurological ways to the stress. He gives some practical ways to combat this stress with your daughters.
I also appreciated his comments regarding mothering as a high ideal in female life. Marginalizing motherhood and family for the sake of consumption of goods and products is detrimental to our society. Girls need to learn that motherhood is a good and noble thing to look forward to. Not that it is the ONLY thing ahead of them but that it has value both for themselves and society.
October 24, 2016
I like this better than his Wonder of Boys... not sure if it's because I'm a woman, or if he's become a better writer in the ~7 years since he wrote Wonder of Boys... but I did think at times while reading the Wonder of Girls that the author should update the Wonder of Boys with 20 years of additional research (not that it would change much of what he says, but there were interesting comparisons between male and female brains in Wonder of Girls that didn't seem to be in Wonder of Boys).
My favorite parts were his Cinderella allegory (so wonderful for girls AND boys) and his Womanist vs Feminist outline. While I believe the men and women are equal, I also believe that they are different and that they are each best when they come together and compliment one another. For this reasoning, I have never considered myself a feminist, but his womanist outline gave me something positive to label myself with rather than a negative label (as not feminist).
My favorite parts were his Cinderella allegory (so wonderful for girls AND boys) and his Womanist vs Feminist outline. While I believe the men and women are equal, I also believe that they are different and that they are each best when they come together and compliment one another. For this reasoning, I have never considered myself a feminist, but his womanist outline gave me something positive to label myself with rather than a negative label (as not feminist).
January 5, 2009
2nd reading: I'm learning more about how my own brain chemistry and hormone cycles affect my day to day. I'm probably learning more about myself than my daughter but I think knowing myself better helps in that department anyway. It really is interesting to learn how body systems affect mood and emotional outlook so I will look for additional information on this subject.
I liked how this author pulls from different disciplines such as biology, sociology and spirituality to draw insights into the development of girls and what they need individually from their mothers and fathers and other caregivers to nurture their whole development. I really think this guy has a unique perspective and is worth some time if you are a parent or work with children. I definitely gained a greater awareness and appreciation for the biological and cultural differences of growing up female.
I liked how this author pulls from different disciplines such as biology, sociology and spirituality to draw insights into the development of girls and what they need individually from their mothers and fathers and other caregivers to nurture their whole development. I really think this guy has a unique perspective and is worth some time if you are a parent or work with children. I definitely gained a greater awareness and appreciation for the biological and cultural differences of growing up female.
August 22, 2012
While I don't agree with the author's evolutionary points, the science and psychology of girls' brain development and how it affects them at different stages is fascinating. It really opened my eyes to why girls are the way they are at different stages and what they need from us as parents. The scientific facts are presented in an easy-to-read way, especially for someone like myself who does NOT like to read nonfiction science books, and the scientific evidence for the neurological differences between boys and girls clearly points to God's creation of us as different genders, even though the author doesn't point this out. I fully appreciated the philosophy of "womanism" as opposed to the outdated agenda of "feminism," which served a purpose in a period of time, but now presents as many issues as answers for our girls in today's society.
April 10, 2015
I confess to not reading every word of this, but I think he has lots of valuable things to say. The overarching theme is of a womanist philosophy - an alternative to feminist philosophy that does not work from a victim premise but honors the fact that women value being intimately connected with others. I am massively simplifying it. He then uses that lens to look at girl development. It had a lot to offer, but I wasn't ready to be totally absorbed - partly that's not where my head is and partly that's not the issues we're dealing with as a parent right now. I will file this away to revisit later.
September 14, 2009
A detailed look at the Biology of girls. I enjoyed the science but wished the remainder of the book was more concise. It reads like it is written by a therapist (which it is) and some of the stories were hard to relate to. However the information on what a girl needs from mom at different stages was a good reminder for me, a mother of a teenage girl. The author's take on feminism and what he calls womanism is interesting as well I just could have done without some much summarization - made it drag and a bit repetitive.
January 3, 2009
My daughter will have a roller coaster of emotions because she has hormones and lots of them. Stay clear of any food items that have added hormones because that is the last thing girls need -more hormones.
I didn't learn too much new information from this book, but I think it has more to do with me being a girl and knowing some of the "secrets" already. However, if you are a male, this is worth reading. If anything, you will acquire more patience in your experience with as a father, grandfather, teacher, etc.
I didn't learn too much new information from this book, but I think it has more to do with me being a girl and knowing some of the "secrets" already. However, if you are a male, this is worth reading. If anything, you will acquire more patience in your experience with as a father, grandfather, teacher, etc.
June 25, 2007
A must-read for mothers and fathers and caretakers - and women who want to understand what they went through as children. Simply written, this book illuminates the role biological structures play in how and why girls and women think, feel and act as they do, and what they need to grow into strong and happy women.
December 2, 2007
This is a very good book, especially for dads, to help figure out different ways to connect with and help our daughters through growing up and beyond. It takes a scientific approach to understanding how girls' development is affected by biology, hormones and brain development. This book is not for everyone, but if you are at all scientifically inclined it is fascinating and enlightening.
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