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304 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1881
For one forfeit I had to sit beside her, both of us under the same silk scarf; I was supposed to tell her ‘my secret’. I remember how both our heads were suddenly plunged in a close, fragrant, almost transparent darkness, and how close to me in this darkness her eyes shone softly; and I remember the warm breath from her parted lips, the gleam of her teeth, and how her hair tickled and burnt me. I was silent. She smiled mysteriously and slyly, and finally whispered to me, ‘Well?’ But I only blushed and laughed and turned away, and could scarcely breathe.
I remember that at that time the image of woman, the shadowy vision of feminine love, scarcely ever took definite shape in my mind: but in every thought, in every sensation, there lay hidden a half-conscious, shy, timid awareness of something new, inexpressibly sweet, feminine . . . This presentiment, this sense of expectancy, penetrate my whole being; I breathed it, it was in every drop of blood that flowed through my veins . . .
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I could not concentrate. I could not do the simplest thing. For whole days I did nothing but think intensely about her . . . And in the meantime wasted my time in complete idleness . . . Oh, what could I not have done, if only I had not wasted my time.