I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal

by Linda Feinberg

A guide for young widows and widowers through the normal grieving proccess that highlights the speical circumstances of an untimely death. Young widows and widowers share thoughts and dilemmas about losing a loved one, what to tell young children experiencing a parent's death, returning to work and dealing with in-laws.

Genres: Grief, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology

190 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1994

Reviews

[Kelli S. · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has potential...even though it's an older book there are not a lot of similar books out there. But the gross homophobia in the book actually made me physically ill. On the 3 whole pages the author devotes to same sex spouses, she
1. Ignores the fact that same sex widows die from anything other than HIV/AIDS
2. Implies that gay men who die of AIDS are not supported by the community.
3. Says the following "the only positive thing that has come out of the AIDS epidemic is that it has matured and united the gay community. AIDS has taught gays the meaning of commitment to a cause and to relationships." Really? Really? We weren't committed to our relationships before that? Really? Of course, it's the exact opposite of the truth: which is that LGBT are very committed to relationships, a gay relationship is not something you just "fall into."

Anyway, as a lesbian who has lost not one but two partners (no, not to AIDS) looking for a book that would speak to my experience as a young widow, I had high hopes for this book. I tried to give it a chance, but I found everything within it suspect after reading this section. The author needs to watch some of the ACTUP Oral history series and really learn about the history of AIDS and the history of the LGBT community before she makes such sweeping (and weird) generalizations. I feel so badly for the same sex partners in her grief support groups. It seems almost malpractice level ignorance to me.

[Sophie Day]

I dip into this from time to time. A friend posted it to me and said I should put it in the bin if I wanted. But it is actually one of the best - most honest - support books I have come across. It addresses real issues that people face when their soulmate is suddenly gone that are hard to talk about and source support for.

[Julie Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

My bereavement counselor gave this to me, and it was the best thing for me. I'm in a support group for grief survivors, and participants are not all spouses, and many are much, much older, with whom I find little in common. Even though this book is old and dated, it was perfect. I found myself on EVERY page.

Feinberg doesn't give too much advice; she simply shares what other young widows and widowers have said to her, and she organized all of this in a way that works. Every feeling and thought I have had was there, and even things I would not say aloud to anyone, especially my support group, were there, assuring me that I am not alone and that I am normal. It was interesting to see the variety of feelings, too; not everything uttered was something I could relate to, but it was interesting to see different perspectives and experiences. My copy is highlighted to death, and I use my highlighted passages and sentences as a jumping off point with my bereavement counselor. This is a method that is just right for me, and I recommend it to anyone going through what I am.

Everyone is represented in this book, all kinds of widows and widowers who are under 50, I think, but really, there is a heavy emphasis on the heterosexual female, which works for me. I skipped the LGBTQ section, which other reviewers have found objectionable, but again, this met my needs as a cisgender heterosexual female. One thing that I got from this book that my support group doesn't provide is permission to get better and to take my time doing it. There was also excellent advice about choosing the RIGHT support group; I suggest that part especially.

This book, along with bereavement counseling, is contributing substantially to my ability to traverse the process of grief after the death of my husband, and even though there are references to phone cords and no mention of any technology, it's just as relevant today because the experience of grief is universal. I couldn't believe how much we all have in common.

[Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

The second book I've read since my wife died, and more useful than the first. The author had a lot of experience running grief groups, so she knows what she's talking about, and this was written in the early 1990s which makes it dated in some ways. It's mainly made up of sections of different advice, and all of them are supported by anecdotes from real-life widows and widowers and the situations in which they've found themselves. There's tragedy here, bravery, resilience and even a little humour. The main impact is to make you feel like you're not alone, and that the things you're feeling are perfectly normal, even commonplace among those of us unlucky enough to be in this situation. Think of it as a support group in book form.

[Eric Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an interesting book, and helpful to a point. It shares anecdotes of other people's losses and how they grieved and experiences they had during that time. You know how when someone hears you are going on a trip and they immediately "share" their own story of what happened to them on their trip?

It's like that.

It is also helpful and comforting to an extent because of that. You read how other dealt with loss and what worked or didn't.

My cousin sent me this book when Carol died, and thinking back I see that the mere act of giving the book to me was her way of saying she loved me and was thinking of me, and that helped more than she knows.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a short book, and straightforward enough to read even when your brain is reeling. It isn't really new information for me, but it was calm and clear. It only took about two hours for me to read it, skipping only the section about children.

[Rita Wayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really helped me with the DGI's (dont' get it's) people who did not understand what I was going through. It was spot on to match my grief feelings after my husband passed away so young. I great read for early grief.

[Luci · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is helpful to read stories from people who have also lost loved ones. It made me feel my experiences are more normal, and offered me some comfort.

The earliest chapters were most helpful and I expect I will reread them multiple times. The later chapters contained several points of advice directly from the author that made me laugh out loud.

I would recommend this book for young widows and widowers.

[Alison Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great mental F-you to all those who say the epically wrong things to you during grief. This helped me to channel a lot of anger and to feel vindicated in my grief. A good read for the angry phase of loss..

[Matthew Briggs · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be practically helpful during in deep grief after losing my wife. I found this book more helpful than other highly recommended books such as “It’s Ok that you’re not Ok” which was pretty useless to me.

[Erin Shipley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me feel normal after the sudden death of my first husband. Grief is hard, messy work, and it doesn’t happen overnight.

[Jon Shai · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this for research into a screenplay I'm writing. It was very useful.

[Christiana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another thing Brian's death has taken from me is my ability to concentrate or have interest in reading. I've been told that I will change into a new person after his passing and while I agree with that statement, I can't say I'm changing into a better version of myself. Reading was my stress-reliever/escape from witnessing Brian slowly die- is something I hope to regain one day. Maybe it's better to not be able to do this now -keeping the little ones, & baby in a routine and helping them process Brian's passing, and working is exhausting so maybe that extra time to sleep is more important now (although there are still many hours in the night in which I can't sleep, and reading would be a good distraction).

So back to the review this has been the only book I've been able to read a page or two at a time. Very insightful. Talks of all sorts of issues I've never even considered as a widow (and I wouldn't say those are good issues either) -lucky me.

Author Linda Feinberg should consider revising this to a new edition (current one is from 1994), and while most of it is very revelent to today's widow/er, there are topics she could add, and maybe lessen the AIDS subject. I don't think its as taboo today to have someone die from AIDS/HIV as it was in the early 90s.

Tomorrow will mark the 3rd month in which Brian left us, that likely accounts for this downer of a review. I will say if you or anyone else you know who is unfortunate enough to become a widow (no matter the age), this is a good book for them.

Very good chapter on 'it depends on how the loved one died' -meaning quick & unexpected, homocide, sucicide, or a longer illness like cancer (and AIDS).

[Casey · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you're l, g, b, and/or t, stay away. There is nothing special enough about this book that makes the horrible section about gay couples worth it. "It was written in the early 90s" okay, it's worrying that Linda supposedly ran groups for gay widows back then because they would have been subjected to shit like this at the worst point of their lives:

"The only positive thing that has come out of the AIDS epidemic is that it has matured and untied the gay community. AIDS has taught gays the meaning of commitment to a cause and to relationships. AIDS has taught gays the meaning of grief and shared grief."

To be clear, there is nothing positive about HIV or AIDS. It did not teach us about commitment and relationships because we didn't need to be taught. Same sex couples in long term committed relationships have always existed. Gay people have never been the immature sex obsessed monsters Linda Feinberg apparently thinks we were before the 80s.

[Christina Fernandez-morrow · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many "Ah ha" moments as I read this book. It really captures what YOUNG widows face as they try to figure out how to live without their husband, partner, best friend. It addresses grieving what should have been along with what was. I addresses dating again, sex, and other taboos that young widows have to think about. It even addresses the 'public' widow - those of us who face the death of a husband who was well known and a death that was publicized various times throughout the media.

I highly recommend this book to all young widows who think they are going crazy, who think they cannot survive the pain. It lets you know that you are not alone in your pain and that even though it seems impossible, you will survive and you are not going crazy.

[Krista · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some useful things in here, but overall it didn't touch on where I am right now. I suspect it will be more helpful when I read it again in a few months. The book assumes you are at least three months in, which I am not yet, so it glosses over a lot of what I am feeling right now.

I'll update my opinion if/when it changes.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my best friend immediately following my husband's unexpected death. I found the book very helpful and reassuring. Especially with the "is this normal" things and with telling people "well...my book says you have to be nice..." :) It was a good companion. I highly recommend it to the young widow(er)

[Laura]

It helped me while reading this to know I wasn't alone, and that everything I was feeling was 'on track' with grieving so to speak. It hurt many times when reading it to remember the death of my husband right in front of my eyes, but also made me want to make sure he didn't die in vain as I continue his fight against leukemia.

[Teresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book in 2007. It’s a good book for new widows.

[Marianne Hetzer Hawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's helpful because there isn't much else out there. Several quotes rang very true to my experience and I felt validated. It's pretty simple - being a widow when you are not yet 50 and 90% of your friends are married - sucks.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful for those "not so young" too.

[Charlotte Chicola · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was widowed at thirty five, and this book was like how-to book for ,e, it helped me get through those first couple months. A good read for anyone going through this difficult journey

[Christine Butler · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some of this I could not relate to but a lot of the book was helpful in understanding my own feelings.

[Stinna Moore · Rating 3 out of 5]

More anecdotal than anything, interesting yet not inspiring or helpful... really.

[Sondra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great, reassuring, practical book for young widows & widowers.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can say yea and amen to almost everything in this book. I liked all the quotes from other widows/widowed. It's not a walk in the park, but we survive.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like other reviewers mentioned, it could use an update.

[Oryx · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't know if "really liked it" is accurate given the subject... but I found it rather helpful.