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Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance
It's out there — in the press, on the internet and emblazoned on the glossiest magazine romance rule breaker, the union of older women and younger men. Whether couples marry or live together, the popularity of "age gap" relationships is undoubtedly on the rise. Despite the statistics and the acceptance of such relationships among celebrities, negative stereotypes that surround these romances prevent many older women from having the happy and loving union for which they long; for these older women have not been open to finding a mate from within the large pool of younger men.
In their provocative, groundbreaking guide, Felicia Brings and Susan Winter, both of whom have had long-term relationships with younger men, shatter the myths as they share their thoughts and the experiences of over 200 couples on everything from sex to dealing with her family and his, to handling the criticisms and comments of peers. Advice is delivered with large doses of empowerment, humor and compassion that will help make the brave new world of relationship potential between older women and younger men lead to lasting love.
In their provocative, groundbreaking guide, Felicia Brings and Susan Winter, both of whom have had long-term relationships with younger men, shatter the myths as they share their thoughts and the experiences of over 200 couples on everything from sex to dealing with her family and his, to handling the criticisms and comments of peers. Advice is delivered with large doses of empowerment, humor and compassion that will help make the brave new world of relationship potential between older women and younger men lead to lasting love.
- GenresPsychology
198 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2000
21 people are currently reading
86 people want to read
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July 6, 2019
This book was an amazing read. It piqued my interest due to the great reviews, vicarious subject matter, the prescriptives, the cases and the various voices from actual people in older woman/younger man relationships. As someone who seeks to expand his awareness and perspectives on the world, this book was a treasure trove of information.
It’s also incredibly well-written and backed by hundreds of interviews from people that have lived/living the experience. It also has a lot of helpful advice that can be applicable to any relationship.
I’ll let the excerpts that most resonated with me speak for themselves. This is not exhaustive as I think the whole book is worth a careful read (more than once even) especially if you are concerned about social implications.
GENERAL NUGGETS
-External factors alone cannot create a long and enduring romance. The couple must feel deeply bonded through their own loving sense of connection and that serves as the centerpiece of the commitment.
-In a conscious and committed relationship, the couple is willing to look at their issues together and work on them. That’s the miracle of commitment—a safe, loving, accepting place in which to grow and heal.
-We also need to feel safe and secure enough within ourselves to be open and vulnerable with our mates; to reveal ourselves as both strong and weak, courageous and fearful, adult and childlike.
-Intimacy involves trust. We must be able to trust ourselves and trust that we can truly be ourselves with our partner and that they are safe to be themselves with us.
-Both the older woman and the younger man must possess a great degree of self-esteem and courage for, more than any of their other qualities and characteristics, these will be tested.
-Age is just a number. The most important thing in an older woman/younger man relationship is mutual respect, friendship and trust. These are the same qualities that are important in all relationships.
-Not being financially stable is a time-honored male excuse for backing out of a commitment (to a woman of any age) and is widely accepted as an allowable out. While there could have been another choice or a compromise, which is part and parcel of commitment, these men chose to end the relationship. Interestingly, each of these men is still single and still searching for that “special someone.”
PRESCRIPTIVES
Communicate—better than you’ve ever communicated in your life. Every little thing that’s bothering you has to be confronted. No matter how painful or awkward or guilt-inducing that subject may be—communicate. Talk, talk, talk. And if a lack of communication causes problems—get out.
Protect yourself by adopting a positive attitude and letting everyone share in only the good things in the relationship.
HAPPINESS
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to design your life as you like and if others don’t like it—well, it’s not their life and therefore not their business.
CONFIDENCE
-If you are strong enough and have enough self-confidence to choose what makes you happy, please do so. It helps to set everyone else free.
-Sometimes we are confronted with situations through our work, our finances or through challenging health issues in which we are forced to stand up for ourselves and show who we really are. The more often we do this the more self-affirming we become.
-When we eliminate need, we get choice. When we both come from the power of choice, we have the opportunity to experience equality. No longer based on two incomplete people seeking to be completed, the emerging older women/younger men relationships we’re seeing more often illustrate the ideal of two complete people who simply want to be together.
-Keep in mind that other people’s reactions are an expression of their fears, doubts, biases and belief systems and that none of these necessarily reflect your reality.
BENEFITS
With so many of the couples we spoke to, the relationship with an older woman provided the motivation for the younger man to achieve more and accomplish more in order to be on a par with his mate. In these instances, it was the older woman who served as a catalyst in helping the younger man to not only set but achieve higher goals.
LOVE AND MORALS
We don’t advocate adultery for the royal family or for anyone else. However, if we are to fairly judge or at least understand, we must acknowledge that Camilla Parker Bowles has captured and kept the love of the Prince of Wales.
~I found this particularly insightful (and entertaining).
NOTEWORTHY
English language contains many more pejorative words to describe older women than it does older men.
INTENTIONS
All of us—even the most evolved and aware older women (and men)—have our agendas. It’s just that as we become more conscious and evolved we are able to admit to them.
What an older man says, what he means is (This is the only section I felt was written with too much of an edge and came off as a semantic sardonic suffocation. That being said…it was still arguably accurate.)
PITFALLS
-Information can become ammunition.
-Any discomfort you express about your relationship will provide ambivalent or disapproving family members with an opportunity in their conversations with you to reflect back to you your own insecurities.
TAKEAWAYS
1.) People of all ages do better with explanations than with attacks.
2.) I feel ____________________ when you _________________________, because __________________. I need you to _____________________. (then observe reactions)
(Had done a course in university that touched on this a bit so it was interesting to see this in a non-academic book)
3.) Stating clearly what you want and need, determining if he’s willing and able and watching his actions (NOT his words) are the fastest and best way we know to see what kind of (person) you’ve really got.
(I thought this was an interesting variation of something I once thought of when it comes to what things we can say that are socially acceptable via 'tempered' trial and error.)
SELF-DEVELOPMENT
1.) Get out of the house. You’re not going to meet anyone by sitting around at home. It takes getting out and getting involved, but only with those activities you love, the activities that enhance and support you. Do the things that add real quality to your life, that make you feel expansive and free. Go where you feel charged by the activity or the experience.
2.) You cannot be real if you cannot be yourself. You cannot generate passion in an environment in which you have no real interest. (Passion and confidence seem to go hand in hand as they are both associated with feeling good about ourselves)
3.) Follow your heart and your passion. At least you’ll enjoy what you’re doing, whether you meet someone or not.
4.) Invest your time and energy in fully developing yourself. You can’t lose that way.
5.) If you don’t participate in the unique forms of entertainment that you enjoy and enrich your life, you may not find a relationship that will either.
INSIGHTFUL ANECDOTES
“I was sitting at the bar waiting for my friend when this guy starts talking to me. I don’t think it was more than fifteen minutes before he looks at me and asks, “How old are you?” He was about ten or fifteen years younger, but I was floored because he had been really complimenting me, checking me out. So I just looked at him and said, “What’s your net worth?” (the emotional reaction only clicked for me when the script was flipped as I could see (as a guy) how I would feel if a girl just flat out asked me that.)
“I think it’s important to find somebody you’re compatible with socially. Obviously there has to be a very strong attraction. That’s probably the most important requirement, because you’ll have many people doubting that it can work. The foundation of the relationship must be strong—so outside influences cannot come in and break it up. Most importantly, you have to be open to the possibilities in such a relationship.”
“She is a best friend who reflects back to me what a good person I am, which builds my confidence and self-esteem. I now have a better job and feel better about myself than ever before.”
“I learned not to worry too much about the opinions of others as long as I truly believed I was right.”
“Keep an open attitude and communicate. As to your behavior, be yourself…and if you are as lucky as I am, you will experience one of the highest levels of honesty possible between two people.”
“If a woman can just relax and let herself be, she can experience a whole different type of relationship. But she has to feel pretty secure and really like herself. That’s the only way it can work.”
My final thoughts: Highly recommended!
It’s also incredibly well-written and backed by hundreds of interviews from people that have lived/living the experience. It also has a lot of helpful advice that can be applicable to any relationship.
I’ll let the excerpts that most resonated with me speak for themselves. This is not exhaustive as I think the whole book is worth a careful read (more than once even) especially if you are concerned about social implications.
GENERAL NUGGETS
-External factors alone cannot create a long and enduring romance. The couple must feel deeply bonded through their own loving sense of connection and that serves as the centerpiece of the commitment.
-In a conscious and committed relationship, the couple is willing to look at their issues together and work on them. That’s the miracle of commitment—a safe, loving, accepting place in which to grow and heal.
-We also need to feel safe and secure enough within ourselves to be open and vulnerable with our mates; to reveal ourselves as both strong and weak, courageous and fearful, adult and childlike.
-Intimacy involves trust. We must be able to trust ourselves and trust that we can truly be ourselves with our partner and that they are safe to be themselves with us.
-Both the older woman and the younger man must possess a great degree of self-esteem and courage for, more than any of their other qualities and characteristics, these will be tested.
-Age is just a number. The most important thing in an older woman/younger man relationship is mutual respect, friendship and trust. These are the same qualities that are important in all relationships.
-Not being financially stable is a time-honored male excuse for backing out of a commitment (to a woman of any age) and is widely accepted as an allowable out. While there could have been another choice or a compromise, which is part and parcel of commitment, these men chose to end the relationship. Interestingly, each of these men is still single and still searching for that “special someone.”
PRESCRIPTIVES
Communicate—better than you’ve ever communicated in your life. Every little thing that’s bothering you has to be confronted. No matter how painful or awkward or guilt-inducing that subject may be—communicate. Talk, talk, talk. And if a lack of communication causes problems—get out.
Protect yourself by adopting a positive attitude and letting everyone share in only the good things in the relationship.
HAPPINESS
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to design your life as you like and if others don’t like it—well, it’s not their life and therefore not their business.
CONFIDENCE
-If you are strong enough and have enough self-confidence to choose what makes you happy, please do so. It helps to set everyone else free.
-Sometimes we are confronted with situations through our work, our finances or through challenging health issues in which we are forced to stand up for ourselves and show who we really are. The more often we do this the more self-affirming we become.
-When we eliminate need, we get choice. When we both come from the power of choice, we have the opportunity to experience equality. No longer based on two incomplete people seeking to be completed, the emerging older women/younger men relationships we’re seeing more often illustrate the ideal of two complete people who simply want to be together.
-Keep in mind that other people’s reactions are an expression of their fears, doubts, biases and belief systems and that none of these necessarily reflect your reality.
BENEFITS
With so many of the couples we spoke to, the relationship with an older woman provided the motivation for the younger man to achieve more and accomplish more in order to be on a par with his mate. In these instances, it was the older woman who served as a catalyst in helping the younger man to not only set but achieve higher goals.
LOVE AND MORALS
We don’t advocate adultery for the royal family or for anyone else. However, if we are to fairly judge or at least understand, we must acknowledge that Camilla Parker Bowles has captured and kept the love of the Prince of Wales.
~I found this particularly insightful (and entertaining).
NOTEWORTHY
English language contains many more pejorative words to describe older women than it does older men.
INTENTIONS
All of us—even the most evolved and aware older women (and men)—have our agendas. It’s just that as we become more conscious and evolved we are able to admit to them.
What an older man says, what he means is (This is the only section I felt was written with too much of an edge and came off as a semantic sardonic suffocation. That being said…it was still arguably accurate.)
PITFALLS
-Information can become ammunition.
-Any discomfort you express about your relationship will provide ambivalent or disapproving family members with an opportunity in their conversations with you to reflect back to you your own insecurities.
TAKEAWAYS
1.) People of all ages do better with explanations than with attacks.
2.) I feel ____________________ when you _________________________, because __________________. I need you to _____________________. (then observe reactions)
(Had done a course in university that touched on this a bit so it was interesting to see this in a non-academic book)
3.) Stating clearly what you want and need, determining if he’s willing and able and watching his actions (NOT his words) are the fastest and best way we know to see what kind of (person) you’ve really got.
(I thought this was an interesting variation of something I once thought of when it comes to what things we can say that are socially acceptable via 'tempered' trial and error.)
SELF-DEVELOPMENT
1.) Get out of the house. You’re not going to meet anyone by sitting around at home. It takes getting out and getting involved, but only with those activities you love, the activities that enhance and support you. Do the things that add real quality to your life, that make you feel expansive and free. Go where you feel charged by the activity or the experience.
2.) You cannot be real if you cannot be yourself. You cannot generate passion in an environment in which you have no real interest. (Passion and confidence seem to go hand in hand as they are both associated with feeling good about ourselves)
3.) Follow your heart and your passion. At least you’ll enjoy what you’re doing, whether you meet someone or not.
4.) Invest your time and energy in fully developing yourself. You can’t lose that way.
5.) If you don’t participate in the unique forms of entertainment that you enjoy and enrich your life, you may not find a relationship that will either.
INSIGHTFUL ANECDOTES
“I was sitting at the bar waiting for my friend when this guy starts talking to me. I don’t think it was more than fifteen minutes before he looks at me and asks, “How old are you?” He was about ten or fifteen years younger, but I was floored because he had been really complimenting me, checking me out. So I just looked at him and said, “What’s your net worth?” (the emotional reaction only clicked for me when the script was flipped as I could see (as a guy) how I would feel if a girl just flat out asked me that.)
“I think it’s important to find somebody you’re compatible with socially. Obviously there has to be a very strong attraction. That’s probably the most important requirement, because you’ll have many people doubting that it can work. The foundation of the relationship must be strong—so outside influences cannot come in and break it up. Most importantly, you have to be open to the possibilities in such a relationship.”
“She is a best friend who reflects back to me what a good person I am, which builds my confidence and self-esteem. I now have a better job and feel better about myself than ever before.”
“I learned not to worry too much about the opinions of others as long as I truly believed I was right.”
“Keep an open attitude and communicate. As to your behavior, be yourself…and if you are as lucky as I am, you will experience one of the highest levels of honesty possible between two people.”
“If a woman can just relax and let herself be, she can experience a whole different type of relationship. But she has to feel pretty secure and really like herself. That’s the only way it can work.”
My final thoughts: Highly recommended!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 12, 2020
Nice introduction for someone living this for the first time
I appreciate the effort put forth to help women who are in this situation. This is my first relationship of this nature and I needed some information to help ground me. This was very helpful and helped me except this man into my life. I’m am not regretting it at all! Lol
I appreciate the effort put forth to help women who are in this situation. This is my first relationship of this nature and I needed some information to help ground me. This was very helpful and helped me except this man into my life. I’m am not regretting it at all! Lol
Read
March 16, 2010 The best book i ever read on this subject. Susan Winter & Felicia Brings compiled years of research, interviews, statistics and most of all, true stories and made one book well worth reading.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews