If Only: How to Turn Regret Into Opportunity

by Neal Roese

If you spend a lot of time thinking about “what might have been,” you’re not alone. In If Only , Neal Roese, Ph.D., one of the world’s top scientists studying regret, shows us that thoughts about what might have been are practically unavoidable. In fact, they are produced spontaneously by the brain with a very practical goal—to guide us toward improvement. But the same thoughts can bring the pain of regret. Is it worth the pain to get the improvement? Or should you live life with no regrets?

Luckily, it’s not a package deal. The surprising message of If Only is that we can manage our regret style to maximize the gain and minimize the pain. In an entertaining and upbeat book that weds lively science writing to practical self-help, Dr. Roese mines the research and shares simple strategies for managing your life to make the most of regret. You’ll

• Don’t Over-react. You may react to a regrettable situation by taking many fewer chances. Don’t. This only ensures that you will miss out on new opportunities.
• Think Downward. Consider the downward alternatives. How could a bad situation have gone even worse ? This makes you feel appreciative of what you have.
• Do It. If you decide to do something and it turns out badly, research shows that it probably won’t haunt you down the road. (You’ll reframe the failure and move on.) But you will regret the things left undone.
• Regrets are Opportunities Knocking. Our brains produce the most “if only” thoughts about things in our lives that we can still change. So consider regret as a signal It’s not too late!

If Only also shows that “if only” thinking plays a huge role across our lives, from how best to buy, to why we enjoy movies, how juries decide, and the way we choose someone to love. If Only opens a new window into the way our minds work and offers clear lessons for living more happily with the past.

“Fifteen years of research have been combined into a list of the top four biggest regrets of the average

• not getting more education
• career regrets
• regrets in love
• not spending enough time with kids

The list is essentially a summary of the biggest traps, pitfalls, and mistakes into which people like you might blunder. Look over the list and try to identify areas of your life that represent the greatest vulnerability to future regret. And act now to avoid regret later.”

—from If Only

Genres: Self Help

243 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2005

Reviews

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The information in this book kind of delighted me. While there were a couple places where I wondered about the accuracy and source of information, those were minor points. Much research is cited, and while the book's conclusions seem common sense in hindsight I hadn't put it all together before hand. The main point is that regret is necessary, and rooted in the tricks of a mental health immune system that interprets and reinterprets our experiences to both spur us on to positive changes and help us accept past mistakes. Being aware of the kinds of thoughts (counterfactuals) can help us make better decisions from minor purchases to judgments of guilt in legal matters, and can be used as persuasive skills as well.

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I enjoyed this book, I do wish the author spent less time on the background reasoning and more on the solution/ how-to-apply the info. The title says it, "How to turn regrets into opportunity" but that was just the last chapter. It may seem less textbook-like if, as each concept were explained, there were insights into how to harness the concept. And there were bits of this, but the focus is more on how the brain is wired than on how to take advantage of these things.

I did walk away with new insights and that, ultimately, is the point and the saving grace of this one. If you feel burdened by some past mistake or an opportunity that you missed... this book will tell you all the reasons why you're thinking is hampered, but this is not the book I'd recommend to help you get thru those struggles.

[Barry Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

An intriguing book on “how to turn regret into opportunity,” Roese makes the case that questioning “if only,” what he calls “counterfactuals,” is hard-wired into the brain. Indeed, research has shown that children as young as two will exercise this technique, something he calls our “psychological immune system.” Rather than ignoring it as “water under the bridge,” Roese suggests that the appropriate understanding and use of this natural response can improve your actions and results. Describing how counterfactuals work with examples from life, the movies, even the sales process, he identifies how they can help individuals move towards “regeneration and renewal,” rather than simply filling them with regret. Counterfactuals can be directed upward (I almost made it, causing a negative response) or downward (it could have been much worse, eliciting a more positive response). This is why the Bronze medal winner (I almost didn’t get a medal!) is generally happier than the Silver medal winner (I could have gotten the Gold!). Also, regrets of inaction (I should have done something!) seem to linger more than regrets of action (I wish I had not done that!).
Roese gives examples on how to make counterfactuals work for you, citing experiences in sales and negotiation, gambling, even in test-taking. For example, contrary to popular opinion, research shows that people who go back to test items later to change their response statistically get more answers right than if they stayed with their first response! He further explains the power and intriguing nature of counterfactuals through movies like “It’s A Wonderful Life” and the classic Star Trek episode, “City on the Edge of Forever,” where Kirk (travelling back in time) must allow a woman he loves to die in order to prevent the extinction of millions more in the future.
The book closes with six specific strategies to employ with the “If Only’s” in your life to enhance your decisions and actions. 1. Spring Back Fast: experience the regret, then quickly move on; 2. Look Further: take the time to consider other counterfactuals beyond the obvious one that emerges quickly from your thinking; 3. Think Downward: since downward counterfactuals (typically less frequent) make you feel better, learn to use them; 4. Don’t Overthink: people who take the time to come up with more and more counterfactuals feel less and less in control. Coming up with more than about 5 alternatives could put you in the danger zone; 5. Write It Down: calling it the “surprising value of blogging,” he speaks of how writing allows you to learn more about yourself and the way you think; 6. Eye on the Big Picture: take the time to step back and look at what has happened from a broader perspective.
Roese ends with a quote from the journal of Henry David Thoreau: “Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

[Jessica Feltz · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book did not sustain my interest.

[Tucker · Rating 3 out of 5]

I struggled with the lack of definition in scope. Some examples of regret were trivial (minor consumer choices or annoyances) while others were more severe (witnessing sudden death), and it was disorienting to flip back and forth between such disparate examples. To me, they seem like not quite the same emotions. Near the end, there were a few good pages on survivor guilt and how it can lead to PTSD, but accompanied by a comment that PTSD is out of scope — if only I'd known that at the outset of the book! Also, for people who suffered something severe, I would have liked more details of how their evolving thought took them from a bad place to a good place over many years. Also, if regret is a healthy and critical emotion that helps us evaluate future decisions, then there must be a place in "abnormal psych" for people whose sense of regret is stunted or lacking — e.g., "sociopaths"? This was not mentioned. I did appreciate thinking about counterfactuals though.

[Cakes Mcflakes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've never read any "self help" books, but I think this might fall into that category. However, it is so interesting on it's own merit, a review of fascinating psychological research on regret, and really teaches the reader about counter factual thinking. I find myself thinking about it daily, and it actually has helped me (I think -- not that I thought I had a problem, but regardless) handle counter factuals in a healthier way. Really great.