I Only Roast the Ones I Love: Busting Balls Without Burning Bridges

by Jeffrey Ross

Jeffrey Ross is one of the world’s most foremost practitioners of insult comedy. Having escaped from his family’s kosher catering business, he spent years in the comedy circuit and mastered his craft of delivering hilarious and often offensive insults. Mixing silliness and sincerity, Ross explains the overall history of the roast and explains the art of delivering a stream of “festive abuse” while eliciting laughs. Taking readers on an entertaining journey through his own career, he shares roasts straight from the Friar’s Club and the ever popular Comedy Central television events and provides a narrative of his favorite roasts of friends and family, Flava “You really are the ugliest man in America. I mean, how do you roast charcoal?” William “Man, you have really let yourself boldly go. If Scotty tried to beam you up now you’ d break the f*n’ transporter.” Courtney “Courtney Love, you’re like the girl next door…if you happen to live next to a Methadone clinic.” Featuring tips on timing, what’s going too far, and dealing with hecklers, Ross shows readers how to channel their inner roastmaster—and emphasizes the all-important Friars’ Club We only roast the ones we love.

Genres: Humor, Comedy, Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography

308 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2009

Reviews

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Only Roast the Ones I Love was a superbly quick read (2 nights). I’m led to believe that comedians write the best books, and Jeffrey Ross is no exception! In this book, Ross shares his secrets of being a successful Roast Master and weaves them into anecdotes from his life. He also includes roast highlights that inspired me to try a line on my boyfriend:

“Hey Sparky, your face looks like Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble had a kid and got punched in the face.”

I had never seen him look prouder.

In any case, this was a fantastic and light-hearted book. I’m officially a Jeffrey Ross fan.

And in case he’s reading this . ..

Jeff, is there a way to use your eye patch from DWTS to cover your ugly face? No? How about Lisa Lapanelli’s?

Mwah – love you (and LL!).

[Katie Pierce · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was always getting 5 stars from me even if it was terrible because Jeff Ross is my comedy hero. Roast master general forever!!!

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This review is already poisoned by the fact that I LOVE Jeff Ross. He is one of my all-time favorite stand-ups, and has been ever since I was about 12 years old. He made me tear up laughing then, and he still does now. He was maybe the first comic that I felt was "mine," and whose sheer cleverness blew me away everytime.
So know that this book I already knew was going to be great before I opened it. In reality, it's probably only a 3-star read, but for a fan, and really, anybody interested in roasting, or doing comedy professionally, it's pretty indispensable.
I haven't laughed out loud reading in a long time, and I was chuckling throughout ("fuck you, spoon - you're nothing but a gay fork," and so on). But the book has a pretty overwhelming air of self-importance, and some name-dropping that I'm sure will make some folks mad (everyone is Jeff's "Best bud," and he calls Tom Cruise - once he met him - his favorite actor of all time), but for the critics, it's time to face facts: He IS the Don Rickles of our time, he's been doing this for 15 years plus, and could joke circles around anybody. So drop away, Jeff! Because between those names is what will undoubtedly go down as the first, and foremost guide to the comedy roast in history, and also some incredibly clever writing. Great to reminisce, and great to learn a thing or two. Watch out! I'm armed now.

[Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Started on Monday and finished almost exactly three days later. That should tell you everything right there. This is the book I was hoping Russell Brand's book would be: really funny, smart, insightful and with unsentimental heart. Jeffrey Ross is typically the funniest person at every roast you see on Comedy Central. This book is a how-to for Roasters and an auto-biography of a fascinating life so far. Ross talks about the meanest/funniest/meanest/funniest thing I've ever heard at a Roast. It has to do with Courtney Love and if you have no clue then I won't spoil it for you because you'll love this book even more than I did. Ross is a fascinating person: an acid tongue who has gone to Iraq and veterans hospitals to entertain troops. If anyone else reads this book, drop me a line because I'm not sure I'm supposed to believe the stories about Bea Arthur and Al Gore. I'm leaning toward no. Other people who come off surprisingly are Gilbert Gottfried and Tom Cruise. I could go on and on but there's always a danger of over-hyping. If you like to laugh, read this book. I guess that should tell you everything right there.

[E. Mercy · Rating 3 out of 5]

As with most books, there was plenty I could've done without.
However, I must say I really enjoyed it overall.

I laughed most of the whole way throughout, and it seemed to fly by.
I was entertained enough to continue reading and reading until it was over.

I am familiar with Jeff Ross, so I knew what to expect.

It did provide some good pointers on the comedy genre and had a lot of fun stories included.
It read very similarly to how I prefer to write, myself. Every other sentence peppered with jokes. (some of which required a double-take, earning the title of "the gift that keeps on giving" long after you move on to the next chapter.)

It'd be interesting to get all the behind the scenes gossip and some fun facts and reflections from his more recent stuff, but I was still pretty content with the turnout of this one.

I will leave it to the professionals and resist sharing a scathing burn of my own at the expense of a couple of individuals (one being Jeff himself), even though it's actually a backhanded compliment which I'm sure he'd appreciate, but I digress.
(After all, what would p*** off an insult comic more than someone who keeps his trap shut and withholds all of his good-natured, bad-mouthed ribbing? Talk about offensive!)

Anyway, even though I personally like to keep my material to myself, I still indulge in the dark arts of black comedy as an observer from time to time and this book was a refreshing reprieve from all of that jack-happy horses**t I usually balance it all out with.

The copy I read was from a library, but I might just try to find a copy of my own someday as it was that funny. (or at least, it did it's job and made me laugh while also equipping me on how to put down a world that's mostly high all the time, if I so chose to that is.) but alas, I always believe that even if I decide to keep everything to myself, knowledge is never wasted.

Yeah sure, I only gave it 3 stars which means (by Goodreads' definition anyway) that I only "liked it", but hey.. in all fairness, it's not like it was perfect by any means. Like I alluded to earlier, I was subjected to a few words I hate seeing. The only saving grace was that I only had to read them and not hear them and it was only two of the three words I can't stand. And also a few short quips and a bit early on that really wasn't funny at all and seemed cheap.

One high point for me is that it was one of the few books I've ever read where there were little to no errors or typos. Props to the editor!

Overall, it was really good.. well not THAT good. But it was kind of good.
Whatever. My books are better.

[Jeff Beckham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Too funny to read before bed

This is a fun, quick read with an endless supply of jokes. If you like Jeff Ross, you’ll like the book. I’ve watched every one of his roasts but still cracked up seeing all the one-liners for the 2nd, 3rd, or 10th time.

The premise is you’ll learn how to roast, which is interesting, but the best part is the stories embedded throughout the lessons. He came up in comedy with Dave Chappelle, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, and so many others, so you’ll hear how they all got started.

The only reason for 4 stars instead of 5 is it’s not a deeply-sophisticated book, but that doesn’t stop it from being well worth your time, assuming you’re a fan of comedy.

[shanzo Noji · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some great advice from the Roast Master General for sure. :love to make people smile and laugh but always feared crossing the line but I do with extreme reluctance and often not at all. The only thing I knew about Mr. Ross is that he had King Kong balls when he roasted prison inmates, and not much else. This book gives a great peek on what the real deal is and how he really cares. Wish it had more roast stories. other than that, a funny read and great advice.

[Tipper · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was in the bathroom. It was a decent book to poop by. But not a particularly good one.

[Tarık Yanık · Rating 5 out of 5]

going to roast everybody now, 10/10

[Deyth Banger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Its a good read, I am happy I had chance to read about the behind of the whole roasting stuff and ever.

[Nav · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very skillful blending of "how-to" and auto-biography.

[Michael Steiner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Roast master.

[Micah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoirs by comedians are better than memoirs by civilians, and I Only Roast the Ones I Love is near the top of the heap. It turns out Jeff can spin a yarn. A quick, funny, and heartfelt read.

[Drew Kenyon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the Comedy Central Roasts and Jeffrey Ross is The Roastmaster. I kind of wish he just published the full transcripts of his actual roasts but this contains snippets and is close enough.

[Dave · Rating 4 out of 5]

Framed as a primer on how to roast, with a good deal of braggadocio style Hollywood autobiography, anecdotes, personal philosophy, and wall to wall quality roast jokes. I always like Jeff Ross' performances killing on Comedy Central roasts and got more curious about him after seeing his live at Brazos County Jail special, in which he roasts inmates in a strikingly good-hearted way and offers more of a personal behind the scenes point of view than most comedy specials. The stand-up is spliced with footage of him wandering around the prison talking with inmates about their lives in and out of jail, with the warden about how America's prison system is our #1 provider of mental health services, and reflecting on how moving the whole thing is. This book filled in more of his backstory, early career, and formative experiences which I found interesting and made me more of a fan. At times it feels like bragging and name dropping but remember it's comedy and show business and enjoy it. Very funny stuff.

[F · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hated this book. But not because it was bad. While I was reading it I was under a pretty hard asthma attack. Practically every page had a joke or funny moment in it. That in turn had me cough/laughing till I almost ran out of air. It was nice because you got the "behind the scene" views from events like Dancing with the stars, The Obama Inaguration, The roast of pamela anderson. The Tom Cruise Cousin Sal fiasco ....

I would definitely recommend this to make people happy.

[Melly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part auto-biography, part "how-to-roast" techniques and advice, this book is pretty good.
I learned a lot about the art of roasting (it takes more savvy than you might think) and a little about Jeff Ross: the man, and how he got where he is today. This was a perfect book for me: I'm a big fan of stand-up, Jeff Ross, and Comedy Central Roasts. After you read this, you'll be throwing out the zingers like crazy! Also, the chapter on Bea Arthur is hilarious.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reminded me of Craig Ferguson's 'American on Purpose', particularly the bits describing what it's like starting out in comedy. But overall the book was a bit of a mess, without any real clear point--more of a vanity project I'd say.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny book, had a lot of good anecdotes (although it's really more of a memoir than a how-to guide). Also the first book I read that thanked the reader for actually following through and not shelving it after 50 pages. i do that too often.....

[Emanuel Ramos · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the bits fall flat, but Ross shines in his anecdotes about growing up and roasting comedy legends like Buddy Hackett and Milton Berle. Overall an uneven read but if you're into comedy I recommend it. Also it's a super fast read.

[Mike · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ross is funny. Get it from the library and rip through it for a few laughs.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick, fun read that teaches you how to tell jokes while getting you to care about Jeff Ross. Liked it a lot.

[Wendy Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious

[Chip · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny, better (and more interesting) than expected.

[Abby · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised by this book. Although it predictably rehashed a lot of Ross's comedy, it had a surprising amount of heart. It was one of the better autobiographies I have read in a while.

[Steven Spector · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great Berle & Hackett anecdotes; otherwise, I'd pass.

[Heather Ladiski · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truly enjoyed reading this book. Not only for the tips on how to be a roastmaster but for the look inside Jeff's life. It was one of those books that I did not want to put down.

[Jake McAtee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Jeff Ross is a lot to handle. I find comedy fascinating as well as the roasts. Jeff Ross is the king and I was eager to hear from the man himself.

[booksRmyfriends]

Hiliarously funny! [laugh out loud funny] . And he is a Jersey boy to boot. IF I should ever be in the same room as Jeff I will quickly run for the exit......