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You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again: One Woman's Painfully Funny Quest to Give It Up
"Can’t a girl dress like a hooker, dance like a stripper, and kiss like a porn star and still be a nineteen-year-old virgin?"
You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again is the laugh-out-loud story of an attractive Los Angeles woman who found herself in the predicament of being an unwilling virgin. As an actress, writer, and stand-up comedienne, Heather McDonald passed up ample opportunities to have her V-card revoked by handsome, rich, and sometimes even fabulously famous men, but she could not bring herself to do "it" until well after her friends had been deflowered.
As Chelsea Handler so lovingly puts it, "Thank God, Heather waited twenty-seven years to lose her virginity or she wouldn't have any material for this book." Whether in a backseat, a community pool, or a sports stadium, with a frat boy, a doctor, or an A-list celebrity, Heather McDonald knew how to turn those boys blue. Unlike "putting out," blue balling might not have paid her rent or landed her free trips to Hawaii, but it did provide her with hilarious stories and adventures in her search for true love—and, ultimately, her very own happy ending. Now, Heather McDonald will never blue ball in this town again.
274 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 20, 2010
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 195 reviews
November 5, 2020
I reread the book six years later, downgraded it from 3 stars to 2 stars. It's not well written, the author is an extremely materialistic self-centered sorority girl, and it's hard to know how much of her immoral perspective is just humor or real.
This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being somewhat entertaining because it combines sex and Hollywood. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't much of one.
Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps naked with guys but stops them before they can enter her. She dry humps guys. She kisses complete strangers and leads them to believe she'll give them more. And she does it all claiming to be an innocent Catholic schoolgirl.
What she finally reveals late in the book is that at age nine she was confronted by two male flashers and got one imprisoned. That certainly did something to scar her but she never treats it as anything more than a joke. The whole book is written in a joking style so you are never sure if what she is writing is true or not. She even has a happy ending, of sorts, when she meets the man she is going to marry--only to discover months later that he got a woman pregnant the night before she first dated him. But her marriage and family get the joke treatment as well.
She isn't a very consistent writer and this needs a good editor. She jumps back and forth so at times she doesn't make sense--when writing about a guy she meets she'll jump back to ten years earlier with a different guy or jump five years ahead to someone he reminds her of, then come back later and complete the story. She is, however, good at dishing dirt on some of the Hollywood types she dated or kissed or just sexually teased. You end up feeling sorry for all of them because of how she mistreats them, but she never seems to feel apologetic for any of it.
While it's nice to find a rare person to say it's okay to wait to have sex, she undercuts her message by sleeping with men anyway and doing everything but allowing insertion. She does learn that girls shouldn't tell guys they're virgins because guys will immediately dump them. But she doesn't seem to get that in her case she was so obnoxious that she was going to get dumped whether she had sex with them or not. Her real problem was her personality and self-centered materialistic nature, not that she was remaining a virgin.
This odd book is sometimes offensive, other times contains shreds of morality, and ends up being somewhat entertaining because it combines sex and Hollywood. McDonald writes about losing her virginity. Or not losing her virginity would be a better way to put it. She goes until age 27 before she finally does it with a guy, and when she does we get only one paragraph about it. So if you're waiting for a big reveal, there isn't much of one.
Instead we get a lot of stories that show what a selfish, bratty, sexual tease she is. She sleeps naked with guys but stops them before they can enter her. She dry humps guys. She kisses complete strangers and leads them to believe she'll give them more. And she does it all claiming to be an innocent Catholic schoolgirl.
What she finally reveals late in the book is that at age nine she was confronted by two male flashers and got one imprisoned. That certainly did something to scar her but she never treats it as anything more than a joke. The whole book is written in a joking style so you are never sure if what she is writing is true or not. She even has a happy ending, of sorts, when she meets the man she is going to marry--only to discover months later that he got a woman pregnant the night before she first dated him. But her marriage and family get the joke treatment as well.
She isn't a very consistent writer and this needs a good editor. She jumps back and forth so at times she doesn't make sense--when writing about a guy she meets she'll jump back to ten years earlier with a different guy or jump five years ahead to someone he reminds her of, then come back later and complete the story. She is, however, good at dishing dirt on some of the Hollywood types she dated or kissed or just sexually teased. You end up feeling sorry for all of them because of how she mistreats them, but she never seems to feel apologetic for any of it.
While it's nice to find a rare person to say it's okay to wait to have sex, she undercuts her message by sleeping with men anyway and doing everything but allowing insertion. She does learn that girls shouldn't tell guys they're virgins because guys will immediately dump them. But she doesn't seem to get that in her case she was so obnoxious that she was going to get dumped whether she had sex with them or not. Her real problem was her personality and self-centered materialistic nature, not that she was remaining a virgin.
June 28, 2010
What an appropriate title for Heather "LongBoobs" McDonald's new book! I sped through several chapters on Heather's past (sexless) relationships, eager to see exactly how she lost her virginity at age 27, and when the moment of truth finally comes, the entire ordeal is described in ONE MEASLY SENTENCE! Of course, as we all know, Heather ultimately got her happy ending with a loving husband and children, but that part of her life is described in give-or-take 15 pages. As the title promises, I literally felt "blue-balled" once I reached the story's end. Although Heather often talks about her dry humping expertise, the book lacks a thorough discussion of sex and what it really meant to finally give up her V-card.
By far, my biggest complaint is that the book rambles on so much that it feels like a stream of consciousness writing. I say that because each chapter starts with one story but somehow will lead to ten different tangential stories from Heather's life. With the interminable amount of spatial and temporal jumps, I could never keep any of the stories or character names straight. Almost every chapter was so convoluted that I never understood the significance of the chapter titles. Very haphazard. By the end of the eighth flashback, I would ask myself, "What the hell were we talking about again?"
In spite of its flaws, "You'll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again" delivers some funny moments--McDonald is a comedy writer/stand-up comedienne, after all--but it's not nearly as laugh-out-loud funny as Chelsea Handler's memoirs.
By far, my biggest complaint is that the book rambles on so much that it feels like a stream of consciousness writing. I say that because each chapter starts with one story but somehow will lead to ten different tangential stories from Heather's life. With the interminable amount of spatial and temporal jumps, I could never keep any of the stories or character names straight. Almost every chapter was so convoluted that I never understood the significance of the chapter titles. Very haphazard. By the end of the eighth flashback, I would ask myself, "What the hell were we talking about again?"
In spite of its flaws, "You'll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again" delivers some funny moments--McDonald is a comedy writer/stand-up comedienne, after all--but it's not nearly as laugh-out-loud funny as Chelsea Handler's memoirs.
January 23, 2011
This book was not nearly as funny as I thought it would be. I thought since she was a comedian with Chelsea Handler that it would have some semblance of humor; however, I was wrong. It is not funny. Sure, there are a couple funny one liners, but that's it. All she talks about is being in a sorority at USC and her experiences dating people who wanted to have sex with her, but she held onto her V-Card. When the time did come that she lost her virginity, it was only a small paragraph about it. The purpose of the book was to talk about her dating life up until the point she lost her virginity at the age of 27, but instead all she talked about was slutty sorority girls and frat parties. OH, and the time she met Jerry Seinfeld and Vince Vaughn. The point where she actually lost her virginity was a huge let down.
This book was not worth the $9 I spent on it; however, there is good news. It IS the perfect book to regift for someone's birthday!
DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK!
I'm only giving it one star because, let's face it, she did actually write a book. And as a writer myself, that deserves one star.
This book was not worth the $9 I spent on it; however, there is good news. It IS the perfect book to regift for someone's birthday!
DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK!
I'm only giving it one star because, let's face it, she did actually write a book. And as a writer myself, that deserves one star.
May 13, 2011
Really between 2 and 3 stars for me. I enjoyed it. Although I have the feeling if you asked me about it next week I might be hard pressed to tell you that much about it. While working it out though, it was an enjoyable and quick read. She's pretty funny. Her writing is, even though it feels as if she's continually setting up her own jokes, funny. You got to give it up (see what I did there, aren't I fucking clever!) for a girl who doesn't lose her V until she's 27.
**This is also My Lovely Bride's Book...I feel compelled to say, lest you think I'm a bigger freak than you might already think. I was in between having anything to read and well, it was the first thing I saw.**
**This is also My Lovely Bride's Book...I feel compelled to say, lest you think I'm a bigger freak than you might already think. I was in between having anything to read and well, it was the first thing I saw.**
July 18, 2023
Love Heather’s podcast so I had high expectations, but this book is just too antique for me. It makes sense that it was popular for its time, but it certainly didn’t age so well. Even though most of the book didn’t work for me, Heather’s silly celebrity encounters did get a chuckle or two out of me (especially the Seinfeld story HAHA). Heather and Peter’s love story is also very sweet and it’s great that they stayed together after all these years!
November 11, 2023
This book is terrible and I regret reading it. Do not recommend. I found it next to the dumpsters in my building and remembered her from Chelsea Lately. What u didn’t remember us thst she was usually the least funny person at the round tables. My toxic trait is have to finish every book I start, so there I’m done. Do not torture yourself like I did.
February 24, 2022
I thought maybe it was a cultural shift to blame for me not liking this book but that's a reach.
I just don't enjoy her humor.
I just don't enjoy her humor.
April 19, 2012
This book was written by one of the comedians that is on Chelsea Lately a lot. And while I can't stand the show (or Chelsea) I really enjoyed this book a lot. I liked the way it was written, very conversational-style as well as the topic. While dated a lot, Girl was a virgin until she was like 27. It was a very LA-based book, what with Girl growing up in the Valley and going to school at USC (puke) and of course, staying in LA, trying to make it as an actress/writer/comedian. After a while, the guys got kind of confusing, because like every chapter was a different (or 2 guys). Also, she would go off on tangents, which oddly, weren't that annoying to me, because I talk like that all the time too. The thing that annoyed me the most was her loyalty to USC. If she worked or made out with an actor or dated someone who had any relation to USC, it was mentioned. No one cares about that! People who have any relation to that school annoy the fuck out of me, how much they care about it. I guess in LA, it is a lifestyle and not one that I care to hear about. Blah.
But besides that, I liked all the little stories in each chapter. There wasn't all that much to follow and when she would refer back to someone, I had no idea who she was talking about, as the list of names went on forever. I also like that her career wasn't the front and center part of the book, it concentrated more on her dating. Way to keep everything separate!
But besides that, I liked all the little stories in each chapter. There wasn't all that much to follow and when she would refer back to someone, I had no idea who she was talking about, as the list of names went on forever. I also like that her career wasn't the front and center part of the book, it concentrated more on her dating. Way to keep everything separate!
December 24, 2010
I really wished this book could have been funnier because I wanted to like it more than I did.
It's the story about comedian Heather McDonald, a writer for Chelsie Lately, and her quest to not give it up until she's met the right guy, which doesn't happen until she's 27 years old. Yet she's in Hollywood and she's a very sexual woman. She just the queen of blue balling.
I think all women could learn from McDonald. I don't think we blue ball enough, personally. McDonald had this impressive ability to keep men waiting. Men respected her and waited. Although some did not and that was sad to read about her heartbreak when men dumped her for not wanting to give it up, or not wanting the "responsibility" of being her first.
There is a third-wave feminist myth in society that being in control of one's sexuality means giving it up. I think, however, McDonald illustrates that she was a lot more in control and sexually satisfied than most women and she waited.
It's the story about comedian Heather McDonald, a writer for Chelsie Lately, and her quest to not give it up until she's met the right guy, which doesn't happen until she's 27 years old. Yet she's in Hollywood and she's a very sexual woman. She just the queen of blue balling.
I think all women could learn from McDonald. I don't think we blue ball enough, personally. McDonald had this impressive ability to keep men waiting. Men respected her and waited. Although some did not and that was sad to read about her heartbreak when men dumped her for not wanting to give it up, or not wanting the "responsibility" of being her first.
There is a third-wave feminist myth in society that being in control of one's sexuality means giving it up. I think, however, McDonald illustrates that she was a lot more in control and sexually satisfied than most women and she waited.
August 11, 2016
The premise for this book is that Heather was a virgin until she was 27. In Hollywood! While trying to make it as a comic and a writer! This is the story of how she eventually lost her virginity and met the man of her dreams, who eventually became her husband. It's a modern day love story - with a lot of dry humping.
Heather's choices for the stories to tell about men she dated are great - all of the men are different, but none are total cliches, which I kind of expected. None are totally one-dimensional, and Heather is honest about her mistakes and her naivete. I was instantly hooked with the title of the first chapter: "Can't a Girl Dress Like a Hooker, Dance like a Stripper and Kiss Like a Porn Star and Still be a Nineteen-Year-Old Virgin?"
Her humor isn't as in-your-face as Chelsea, but sometimes I prefer things a little more subdued. This is another great book for an airplane or an afternoon at home with a cup of tea and box of cookies.
Heather's choices for the stories to tell about men she dated are great - all of the men are different, but none are total cliches, which I kind of expected. None are totally one-dimensional, and Heather is honest about her mistakes and her naivete. I was instantly hooked with the title of the first chapter: "Can't a Girl Dress Like a Hooker, Dance like a Stripper and Kiss Like a Porn Star and Still be a Nineteen-Year-Old Virgin?"
Her humor isn't as in-your-face as Chelsea, but sometimes I prefer things a little more subdued. This is another great book for an airplane or an afternoon at home with a cup of tea and box of cookies.
August 14, 2010
I read this book for the sole reason that Heather McDonald is a friend of Chelsea Handler, not to mention a writer on her show. Although it seems this book was an attempt to write in the style of Ms. Handler, the tangents and less interesting stories was a bit of a letdown. If I was asked why I fell this book did not live up to Ms. Handler's books, I would say that Ms. Handler is more willing to be candid and honest, while Ms. McDonald seemed to be holding back.
The charm of Ms. Handler's books is that she is so candid and willing to share so much with the reader in a style that is written so well that it accomplishes being both racy and heartfelt. This book did not.
The charm of Ms. Handler's books is that she is so candid and willing to share so much with the reader in a style that is written so well that it accomplishes being both racy and heartfelt. This book did not.
December 26, 2021
If you know me, you know I absolutely love @heathermcdonald . Like I think we are actually friends, but she just doesn’t know it yet. I religiously listen to her podcast and I’m a Patreon member (not to brag, but I’m a Get me Behind Gates). So I knew I had to read Heather’s book. I listened on Audible and was actually laughing when I was listening. It was her quest through dating to finding her husband (Peather 4 ever).
I definitely recommend this hilarious book, and if you don’t listen to Juicy Scoop, what are you waiting for?!
I definitely recommend this hilarious book, and if you don’t listen to Juicy Scoop, what are you waiting for?!
September 28, 2010
Blech. Reading this book was like eating leftovers that have been sitting in the fridge too long... I feel like I need to read something good to get the taste out of my mouth. I picked this up because I wanted something silly and mindless to read when I wasn't feeling well. Now I remember why I don't read vapid books - the dialogue was stilted, the grammar was atrocious, and quite frankly, this lady needs a reality check. Thumbs down.
November 6, 2014
This book was not as laugh-out-loud funny to me as the Chelsea Handler books, but it was still a funny read. As others have said though, and as weird as it may sound to say, I wish she had spent a little bit more time on when she gave up her virginity. It was kind of blase, and after waiting 27 years, I would have expected a bigger response...or at least more than a paragraph. All in all it was a good read, and another one I can check off my to-be-read list.
April 22, 2018
Fun, lighthearted read. I love Heather's podcast, Juicy Scoop, so it was fun to hear about her life in her 20s. My favorite part of the book was actually the last chapter. But the other stories were good too.
June 14, 2021
4.5 Stars: light, funny, easy read. I love Heather McDonald. I listen to her podcasts 3 days a week- I was afraid I’d feel like I knew all there was to know but was still very entertained by this book! Downloading her other one next!
November 18, 2014
This book had me laughing out loud often and I found myself relating to some of the situations, saying "I've done that!"
August 19, 2020
Meh. It was ok. McDonald is very materialistic and while some scenarios were funny, she wasn’t very relatable.
May 15, 2017
This was completely boring and not funny at all. What a waste of time.
May 6, 2021
Very funny
March 6, 2018
This book was, as the title states, painful. I am not one to not finish a book unless it's absolutely insanely boring, but I almost wish I had on this one. If I had any liking to Heather before this book, it is gone now. The entire book was of her being a vapid, shallow, egocentric twit. The final nail in the coffin for my dislike for her was when she made the comment about how could the guy that's balding and shorter than her have any interest as he is so out of her league (guess there's some rule that only super hot, rich men are allowed to think she's attractive). Don't waste your time in this book unless you really have way too much time on your hands and enjoy reading about boring, shallow people. For a comedian, she's not even funny in this book.
March 27, 2017
I'm not sure if this book was about being an older virgin, losing her virginity or her dating life. I missed the humor of hers that has made me enjoy her comedy specials. I wish there had been more of that in this book. I've her speak about her dating experiences and thought she tells them much better live than written.
October 10, 2018
I have had this book on my to-read list since it came out and I was watching Heather McDonald on Chelsea Lately (how I miss that show). I was hoping it would be as funny as Chelsea Handler's books, but it wasn't. It had it's moments, and was a nice change of pace.
February 4, 2019
If you’re a fan of Juicy Scoop you will like this book. The only thing is you may have heard some of the stories before and it sometimes feels like it’s just not the same not hearing Heather deliver the stories herself. That being said, I enjoyed it!
December 15, 2017
I read her second book first, and I loved that. unfortunately this book is not as good as her second, but still a good read.
February 3, 2019
Meh. If your a lover of Chelsea Handler novels like I am I decided to give this book a listen. Most of it was really annoying. The last few chapters got better. So I may listen to her other book.
July 25, 2019
More shallow than funny.
August 30, 2020
Such a relatable, funny story. I enjoyed reading the book and getting to know more about Heather, who I was used to seeing on Chelsea Lately.
January 6, 2021
I’m a juicy scooper, so I enjoyed it! Love Heather!
June 10, 2022
I don't know who she is. i bought the book because it has a catchy title and it was only $2. It's funny, lots of interesting anecdotes.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 195 reviews