Quivering Daughters

by Hillary McFarland, Megan Lindsay (Editor)

Homeschooling. Large families. Biblical womanhood. Quiverfull.
The Christian patriarchy movement promises parents a legacy of godly children ~ if they adhere to specific Biblical principles. But what happens when families who abandon "the world" for "the Biblical home" leave hearts behind, too? For many wives and daughters, the Christian home is not always a safe place. Scripture is used to manipulate. God is used as a weapon. And through spiritual and emotional abuse, women who become "the least of these" within Biblical patriarchy experience deep wounds that only God can heal. But if living "God's way" caused this pain, why should they trust Him to heal it?

Genres: Religion, Theology, Memoir, Nonfiction, Cults, Faith, Christianity

270 pages, Paperback

First published June 30, 2010

Reviews

[Meredith · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book deserves a 5 star for content and subject matter, but I had to give it a three for the editing that needs to be done. It drives me crazy how the author switches between first,second and third person. Some parts toward the end of the book ramble as well. It has taken me two years to write a review I felt was fair and not just an emotional reaction to my own observation of this movement. I have read the book three times.
The author should be applauded for “coming out” and speaking up for a very small, yet silent group of young ladies and women who are trapped in a conservative “Christian” culture that silences them. The reaction to those within the movement is telling. Immediately the blog world was full of damage control and character assassination.
Stay-at-home daughters, patriarchy, homeschooling, quiverful, Vision Forum, ATI, Family Integrated Churches (FIC) are where these girls have grown up. This book was written for you. You know there is something desperately wrong with your life, but you can’t quite pinpoint it. Read this book. You will find relief that you are not the only one who has experienced the loneliness, desperation, depression, emotional vacuum and feelings of never being good enough for your family or your church. Instead you are labeled rebellious, strong willed, unsubmissive for wanting an education or to branch out on your own. So you suffer silently in emotional upheaval and spiritual oppression, but not realizing that it has a name. Page 104 deals with specific labels you have heard…”You are free to choose, but you are…rebellious, selfish, deceived, not listening to God, the list goes on.” Really you are not free to choose.

For the rest of us, we get a glimpse into a world that isn’t spoken of because few girls have the ability to escape or if they do, the emotional abuse is so deep, talking of it is too painful. Marriage is the escape most of these girls hope for, but sadly, the cycle continues because they marry into it. They are caught in bondage of emotional, spiritual and economic control.
The book is written in journal form with some chapters explaining doctrine and patriarchy. Some might find it tedious, but for those quivering daughters reading it, it will resonate. They know something is very wrong, but they can’t put it into words. The doctrinal and practical part of this book helps these girls connect the dots.

The author is gracious. I am amazed. Some of the women I know cannot forgive their parents. Hillary gives hope to these women. The first question must be, “Do I want to be healed?” The desire for healing will drive one to read this book. She constantly reminds the reader that God is a God of grace and works gently with His children. This is a foreign concept to girls in these circles. Accepting the grace of God is very difficult to comprehend or accept. They live in a performance based culture in which they feel they never measure up.

Here are some gems: “All humans need to feel appreciated, validated, loved, safe. To feel worthy, that we matter to someone. And when feelings or emotions are consistently denied, devalued, neglected, belittled or shamed, this is abusive because it perpetuates toxicity and withholds that which is healthy and necessary for life by a primary caregiver. Refusing to be pleased, an environment of disapproval, accusation, intimidation, criticism, and manipulation are subtler forms but equally as devastating, if not more so. “ (p 89)
“Addressing issues of low self-esteem and emotional pain often draw fire for being “selfish, focusing on self, or having a victim mentality. These accusations serve to stop-thought and keep the light of God from shining truth into darkness…. Children are embraced as blessings, but struggle with the cognitive dissonance of hearing “blessing” but knowing this means “a blessing only when…” One of the most common spiritual repercussions from a lifestyle like this is the quenching of grace.” (P 90-91)
“Sometimes parents use God as a weapon against their children, so that behavior, thoughts, attitudes, and the heart can all be controlled.” (p98)
“Blame and accusation are favorite weapons within authoritarian families, and they aren’t always overt.” ( P133)
“When seeking to understand the roots of your struggles, you will be faced with the naked, raw, brutal reality of abuse. And you will become angry. Christian girls are taught that they should never be angry need to be told the truth: anger is not always bad. Anger is not always ungodly. Properly directed, it can be a healthy tool for recovery….allow your wrath to be a window to truth-because anger towards your pain is the first stepping away from denial.” (p 147)
Page 181 gives a list of physical problems that have been known to originate with growing up in this environment.

This book is just a first step for those caught in this world. I've given this book to those caught in it and they cry uncontrollably –the truth unleashes a flood of emotions. After reading this book, read other books on spiritual abuse (Jeff Van Vonderen) and get help!!!
I would be interested in having the author write an updated version in about 5 years. I think she would be able to articulate things a little more clearly and help even more people.

[Lois · Rating 2 out of 5]

Imagine for a moment that you approach two people you slightly know who are engrossed in a conversation. Their talk is interesting, but you don't know exactly what they are talking about. You listen for clues, not wanting to eavesdrop, but you're sure they know you're within earshot, and are ignoring you. So, since you were just going to say hello and had nothing else, you try to figure out the most graceful way to leave them in their heated discussion without feeling foolish, or making them feel bad for ignoring you. (Maybe experiences like that only happen to me!)

That's how I felt reading this book. I read it several years ago and am only reviewing it now. Many of the details of the book I have forgotten, but I remember reading, and reading, waiting for her to get to the point. I never did find out why Hillary left home, or what the "abuse" was she felt she experienced. She provided several examples from others that were clearly abusive situations, but as for her own personal upbringing, all I could figure out is she didn't like the outdoors and the animals her family owned. She preferred to stay indoors and read. This is abuse? I never enjoyed washing dishes as a girl, but I never believed my parents were abusing me.

I personally know many families who fit the profile of quiverfull families. I doubt in 90% or higher of those families there is any abuse, whether it is physical, spiritual or emotional. I do not deny there is some somewhere, but I remain skeptical that abuse is the norm.

Stylistically, Hillary's writing rambles like a diary, or journal of loosely assembled poetic thoughts. If this book helps those young ladies who have escaped a family who truly subscribe to the hyper-patriarchial practices, then it has served its purpose. But for me, it felt like I was attending an open AA meeting as an observer, not a participant.

[Jenny Wells · Rating 3 out of 5]

Such an important topic. Such I have witnessed over the years and even had times of questioning my own perspectives on homeschooling and gender differences and Christian families because the books and families that purport this lifestyle easily come across my path because of our lifestyle. Yes, I am a Christian and a homeschooling mom and my husband is the breadwinner BUT I am not the breadMAKER nor will I teach my daughter to be one, simply because neither she nor I show any interest. We live in town among the "pagans", my daughter will be free to go to college, and though my Puritan heritage tries to convince me otherwise, suffering in order to build the character of a strong work ethic into myself and my children only works through the tactics outlined in this book...shame, chosen poverty, and belief in serving a God that demands a level of high obedience in order to experience his blessings.

My heart aches over the burdens I see older girls carry in large families (and some of the mothers!). I listen and hear the shame, confusion, and inability to articulate one's own wants in these young women. It is so easy to major on the minors when parents struggle with fears of this world or believe that God's way is SUPER-narrow. Formulaic Christianity does not work, nor was ever meant to.

There is no formula of parenting that will ensure my children will "follow Jesus", "stay pure until marriage", "not rebel against parental authority" or "squander their gifts". Hard work and "the rod" will not purge my children of sin. As a parent, my job is to encourage and support their story, the one God is writing, and stay away from my temptation as their mother to interpret or control how it is unfolding.

I can imagine how scary it was for Hillary to write this book. I exclaimed with love when she quoted one of my favorite grace-filled bloggers and fellow homeschoolers, Study in Brown, that also struggles with legalism. I know from the experience of leaving a legalistic church after 10 years how difficult it is to unwrap the truth from a confused mind and fear-filled heart. Hillary writes to these young women.

I think her book would have benefited from more true stories and less theological explanations of why the patriarchy culture breeds fear and burdens over freedom. I skimmed the last half. I think she might write this book later after a decade or so of distance and time of possibly growing into her own experience of parenthood.

[Lauren Sampson · Rating 4 out of 5]

More books need to be written about this subject. Emotional and spiritual abuse is a very real thing in conservative homeschooling families and this book is the first I've read that speaks out against the pain. It offers hope and healing and plenty of scripture to help children from these homes recover from the legalism and false view of God that many were taught about in their childhood. (Heads up: the first half was hard to follow, but the second half of the book was so good and worth reading until the very last page.)

"For those of you who've been wounded by the harmful actions arising from belief in male superiority, patriarchy, and gender inequality, Hillary McFarland's Quivering Daughters calms the inner shaking in a woman's soul. It reveals the problem, presents a biblical solution, and becomes a balm to any wounds within. Read it and weep. Read it and think. Read it and quiver no more"

[Brandon H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

C.S. Lewis once said "Of all bad men religious bad men are the worst." This book is an example of what can happen when religious people wrongly divide the word of God and use it to control and abuse those under their care.

As someone who has struggled with perfectionistic tendencies I found this book very helpful in removing the heavy burden I find myself under at times. It kept bringing me back to the gospel of God's "unilateral love" and the true gospel that Jesus lived and preached. Even though I've known that gospel for a long time now this was yet another tool God has used to plant it deeper into my soul.

If you struggle with perfectionistic tendencies or come from a legalistic and harsh, religious background it's worth picking it up. Even if you don't, there are good things in this one that will help strengthen and establish your heart in God's grace even more.

[Jennifer L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I saw this book, I was interested to see what would be said by those who have grown up in large families. It might look like fun and games on TV, but in reality it's hard on the kids, especially the girls. I also liked how it didn't bash the Christian beliefs, but did present the problems and challenges of families that have 8, 9, 10, or more children. I grew up as an only child, but found this a facinating read and read it in two days because it almost felt like a glimpse into another culture for me!

[Mary Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agree with the above review that the content deserves 5 stars, but the editing/writing structure brings it down to 3 stars. There was not a logical stream of thought and there was constant switching back and forth between first, second, and third person.

That being said, I SO resonated with the author’s story and the stories shared from other quiverfull daughters. I’m the oldest daughter of 14. Having grown up isolated and with very few quiverfull families my healing journey has felt lonely. The author did an excellent job of voicing the trauma and the complicated, inner monologue many of us quiverfull daughters are struggling with. For the first time I felt other people understood what I was going through.

I wish her language about God had been more sensitive to triggering the reader and that she would have offered up more solutions than just constant pointing back to Jesus, as many of us are not finding that healing or restorative after our suppressive religious upbringing.

[Arcade Annie]

What made me want to pick up this book is my experiences in what exactly Christian womanhood means today. I have long left Christianity behind, but I find myself fascinated by stories of Taliban-like oppression that exists in our country. As I’ve explored in a different post on feminist literature, can a choice really be a choice if a) it’s been forced into your head before you can even think and you don’t know any different and you’re punished for thinking anything different and b) a feminist choice can’t be a choice if it centers around a man, whether he is a boyfriend, husband, father, brother or pastor.
There is a movement within the Christian patriarchy called Stay At Home daughters, along kind of the same lines as those “purity balls” they used to show on the Learning Channel a while back, in which in a kinda creepy-incestous way a girl pledges her purity to her father until she’s married. The point of Stay At Home Daughters is to create a new generation of Christian, conservative progeny by following guidelines set down by their respective versions of Christianity and the particular principles they follow. As women and girls move towards a more isolated environment where their whole lives are family and Church, what happens when the Church and the Home and men who rule don’t create a safe place for these women to be? Much abuse of both wives and daughters, sexual, physical and mental, is justified through the bible, and women’s relationships with God are closely monitored and manipulated. Women are instructed to give their pain and their wounds to their God, but if God allows such suppression and abuse, how can they trust the God that lets them live with “honor abuse”?

Recommended for: women who have sought to reconcile their religion with their feminist principles.

[Adam Ross · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written in order to give hope and healing to the growing number of people, specifically women and daughters, who are being abused, physically, emotionally and spiritually, by families in the patriarchal, homeschooler, vision forum, and quiverfull movements. The author, Hillary McFarland, was herself the eldest of eleven children in an agrarian, homeschooler patriachal family.

Broken down into three parts, the book traces Mrs. McFarland's own story, then documents the problem, and ends in the third part by laying out the absolute grace of God as a means of rest and healing. While McFarland is quick to say that not all agrarian, homeschooler, and Vision Forum people are abusing their children, she has received enough horror stories through her website to suggest that it is a substantial and growing problem in these pockets of conservative Christianity. But far from being a feminist, McFarland says she would probably still homeschool her children, and it is apparent that while she bears many psychological scars, she really loves her parents.

The book is shocking in some of the stories that she shares from others, and is well worth reading. The largest flaw is that she does not present any real solutions to the problems she reveals.

[Nicole Maendel · Rating 3 out of 5]

An eye-opening and compassionate read for any young girl or woman who realizes that they are existing in a suffocating world of desperation, where they do not have a personal identity much less a voice, but are, instead, strictly beholden to the confines and dictates of the religious narcissist/parental/spousal agenda. While it was a courageous book, I believe there is much more to be written in terms of proposing a plan of action for these girls. This might include a variety of success stories, as well as helpful contacts and resources in order to make freedom and independence an achievable reality.

[Julie Buckner · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the middle of the flap of the purported shinning goodness of reality tv's Duggar family Hillary McFarland holds out a more revealing look behind the perfect curls and daddy leadership.

I recommend this book to anyone looking for a clearer view of fundamentalism and patriarchal lifestyles and beliefs.

[Corinne · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing was really not my style, although the content does indeed line up with the lived experiences of many women I know who grew up in Quiverfull families. The introductory essay “Christian Families on the Edge” (pp. iii-xiv, written by Rachel D. Ramer) is absolutely worth reading and would earn 5 stars if I could rate it separately.

[Laurie Pontious-andrews · Rating 5 out of 5]

There were parts of the book that really lend themselves more to a teacher/leader rather than the average reader but overall I enjoyed reading her story. I saw my own reflected in hers in different places. If you're recovering from Spiritual Abuse in any form I recommend this as a good read. :)

[Mandy]

heavy and heart-wrenching. why oh why do we use religion to enslave?