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The Grieving Teen : A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends
In this unique and compassionate guide, renowned grief counselor Helen Fitzgerald turns her attention to the special needs of adolescents struggling with loss and gives teens the tools they need to work through their pain and grief.
Although the circumstances surrounding a death are difficult to handle at any age, adolescence brings with it challenges and struggles that until now have been largely overlooked.
Writing not only about but also for teenagers, Fitzgerald adeptly covers the entire range of situations in which teens may find themselves grieving a death, whether the cause was old age, terminal illness, school violence, or suicide. She helps teens address the gamut of strong and difficult emotions they will experience and the new situations they will face, including family changes, issues with friends, problems at school, and the courage needed to move forward with one's own life.
Using the clear and accessible format that has made The Mourning Handbook and The Grieving Child enduring and helpful classics, Fitzgerald guides teens through everything from the sickbed to the funeral, from the first day back at school to the first anniversary of the death. Above all, she lets teens know that even in their darkest hour, they are not alone.
Although the circumstances surrounding a death are difficult to handle at any age, adolescence brings with it challenges and struggles that until now have been largely overlooked.
Writing not only about but also for teenagers, Fitzgerald adeptly covers the entire range of situations in which teens may find themselves grieving a death, whether the cause was old age, terminal illness, school violence, or suicide. She helps teens address the gamut of strong and difficult emotions they will experience and the new situations they will face, including family changes, issues with friends, problems at school, and the courage needed to move forward with one's own life.
Using the clear and accessible format that has made The Mourning Handbook and The Grieving Child enduring and helpful classics, Fitzgerald guides teens through everything from the sickbed to the funeral, from the first day back at school to the first anniversary of the death. Above all, she lets teens know that even in their darkest hour, they are not alone.
224 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2000
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
June 29, 2020
Really helpful book to read whilst grieving, from any kind of loss as a young person, whether sudden or expected, close or more distant. Really helps you to understand that your thoughts and feelings are as normal as they can be. Really want to read the author’s other books on the topic of grief out of pure curiosity.
November 25, 2025
This was great book! I think it could help people of all ages mourn the loss of a loved one.
she wanted to think of something pleasant rather than concentrate on this grim news and what it would mean for all of us. Since then, working with many young people like her, I have come across many examples of seemingly inappropriate responses like this. I say "seemingly' because, in fact, they may be perfectly normal responses for a person who needs time to adjust mentally and physically to life-shattering news. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed if you react in some such "inappropriate" way when you are told that a loved one might die. You might find it necessary to focus on something else for a while, to buy time for accepting what you see as unacceptable. If it is more than you can bear to think about right now, that's OK. Read a book. Take a walk. Surf the Internet. Play basketball. Go to the movies. Paint a picture. Write a poem. Call a friend. In time, you will be able to deal with the news, but until then, take care of yourself. Pg.25
It helps to talk things out. Talking doesn't change the facts, but sharing problems with someone makes your load seem more manageable. Pg. 29
Crying is a natural release of emotions that need to be discharged. Pg.53
Because it is painful to think of your loved one down in the ground, I suggest that you remind yourself of the basics of what it is to be dead. Your loved one will never breathe, eat, see or feel again. What you knew and loved was not a body; it was the spirit, the personality, the wonderful combination of traits that make up a living person. Sadly, that is gone. All that is left is the shell in which it dwelled. It is only the shell that will occupy that grave; the person you knew lives on in memory. Pg.65
funerals and memorial services are really for the living. Pg.67
Grief is different for everybody. Maybe you can already see that in your immediate family: you might see one member very angry, another person expressing guilt, and another seemingly getting along just fine. What this should tell you is not that you are abnormal, but that everyone's grief is unique. Pg. 74
You may observe family members laughing, joking, and acting as if the funeral were a party. Chances are, it's because everyone is in a state of shock. The shock and numbness will last differing lengths of time for different people and different circumstances. When the reality of what has happened is too great for us to absorb, our bodies and minds tend to go into a protective mode, keeping the reality of what has happened at a distance. It will eventually wear off and reality will begin to sink in. It is likely to be accompanied by a lot of powerful emotions. Dont be surprised if you find yourself going back and forth between shock and reality. Pg.90
Don't forget the good things that you did. So often when we feel guilty about something, we forget the "good stuff." Take some time to make a list of all the things that you feel good about, and carry it with you. The next time you have a guilt attack, pull it out and read pg.103
Go one day at a time. Try not to think too far ahead. The future is always uncertain, but right now it can be overwhelming. Go slow. There will always be some short-range things you have to plan for, but let the long-range plans languish for a while. Pg.109
The other person being dead doesn't make the things he did or said right. It's OK to still feel resentment, but for your own good you need to try and then let it go. Pg. 134
Make a family decision as to what to tell others. The more open you can be, the easier it will be. Secrets often catch up with you. Pg.160
Some symptoms of PTSD:
• Recurring recollections of the transition event that are disrupting your home, school, or leisure time
• Recurring nightmares of the event
• Flashbacks and hallucinations
• Intense anxiety when you hear of a similar event
•Avoidance of feelings or thoughts
• Avoidance of any activities or situations that would remind you of the event
• Preoccupation with the event many months after it occurred
• Lack of recall; blank spots in your memory
• A decrease in your interest in activities
•Detachment and withdrawal from your friends •Depression. pg.164
Other things you can do to help yourself are:
•Talk about the experience. Every time you go over what happened, the less powerful its grip.
•Relax. Every day, do something for yourself. Pamper yourself, meditate, listen to music, take walks, visit a peaceful place like a park, church, or library.
•Take care of your physical needs. Eat healthy, exercise, and get enough rest.
•Stay involved with family, friends, and school. Keep on schedule and stick to old routines as well as you can. Pg.166
If others have been traumatized, here are some suggestions for you to help them:
•Listen to their stories, even though you may have heard them many times before. Ask questions to keep the conversation going.
•Be supportive and understanding. Have patience with them as they recover it takes time. •Give hugs if you are both comfortable doing so. Physical contact contributes to healing.
•Offer to help. People suffering from trauma have a hard time staying on task, getting organized, and concentrating.
•Take time for yourself, too. Helping a person suffering from PTSD is draining. Pg.167
I learned to appreciate depression, and periods of sadness I feel as reminders to tune in to myself. Pg.191
Would you like to talk? If you would, I’m here to listen. Don’t push the agenda. Let her choose what to talk about and when. Pg.195
Don’t say:
•"I know how you feel." You may have a good idea of how they might be feeling, but you could be wrong. You really need for them to tell you.
•"You shouldn't feel that way." This comment often follows after a person has said that he feels guilty or responsible for something about the death. Even though what he is talking about makes no sense to you, it is important that you hear him out. The important fact is that he feels the guilt and is looking for someone to just listen. You don't have to fix it; he simply needs for you to be there. The comment "You shouldn't feel that way" gives a negative message to your friend, who is likely to tell himself, "I can't talk to this person." So where does this feeling go? If you are his closest friend, the likelihood is that it will go underground and cause big problems later. The real value in having a close friend is being able to say anything and know that you will be heard. Pg.199
• "Call me if you need anything." This is a limp statement. They often don't have the energy to call, and, can’t take statements like this seriously. Instead of such vague offers, it would be more helpful if you had something specific you could offer, such as saying, "I have two hours free this afternoon. Could I help you with your homework or getting your room straightened out?" Pg.200
Sometimes our anxiety causes us to rattle on, but silence really is golden. Your just being there will be appreciated. Or just to listening. Pg.200
If you don’t know what to do to help, ask. Pg.201
Say "I'm sorry." This simple two-word statement says so much. Not only can you say this to your friend, but you can say it to your friend's family as well. Their response may also be a simple "Thank you."
"I am here to help. Can I run the vacuum? Run some errands? Pick people up at the airport?" Think of specific things that might be helpful.
If there is nothing for you to do, you might suggest that you and your friend go for a short walk. This would give him a chance to talk about what has happened and perhaps get some release from the atmosphere at home. Pg.202
As a friend, you can provide support that others can't provide. Holding back at times of intense grief, thinking you don't want to impose yourself or being uncomfortable with grief may be the worst thing you could do. As a friend, you have a special role. You have something to offer that others can't intimacy and confidentiality. Pg.203
We accomplish big things by doing many small things. That's the way you begin rebuilding your life. You will do it in small steps. No huge leaps, no sweeping changes, but a few small steps here and there until one day you realize that life is working out. It will be different, of course, from the life you would have had had your loved one not died. But, each of us has a unique life to live. Even identical twins have their own separate lives to live. As much as you may feel that your life has been ruined, you still have your own inner self, your own character, your own set of talents, your own ideals, your own capacity to make something of your life. Painful as it is to accept, the death of your loved one has not extinguished that which is you. Life can be a disappointment, but what you have to give the world is still there to be shaped and developed by you. Pg.206
Through your grief, you may discover new things about yourself, qualities that you never knew you had. You may come out of your grief a more complete, more rounded, more compassionate person. In the lives of famous people how many have been free of sadness and grief? How many historical figures have gone through life without personal tragedy? It's sobering to discover how unfair life can be, but it's reassuring to see that the human spirit can survive such cruelty. Now, I know that nothing is more sobering than having tragedy strike you and that reading one book is not going to convince you that you can laugh again someday, that you will look forward to each new day with joy and expectation. Yet, I assure you that this will happen. When it does, you need not feel guilty, for every living thing is a survivor. The essence of life is rebirth. You see it in new growth after a forest fire. You see it in the return of migratory birds every year. You see it in each new generation that populates the earth. Hard as it may be, life is a succession of losses the loss of one's childhood, youth, dreams and fantasies, health, beauty, friends, and loved ones through the years and yet our lives continue as we somehow come to accept and mourn each loss. The loss you have suffered is now a part of your life, just as the person who died lives on in your memory. Pg.207
she wanted to think of something pleasant rather than concentrate on this grim news and what it would mean for all of us. Since then, working with many young people like her, I have come across many examples of seemingly inappropriate responses like this. I say "seemingly' because, in fact, they may be perfectly normal responses for a person who needs time to adjust mentally and physically to life-shattering news. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed if you react in some such "inappropriate" way when you are told that a loved one might die. You might find it necessary to focus on something else for a while, to buy time for accepting what you see as unacceptable. If it is more than you can bear to think about right now, that's OK. Read a book. Take a walk. Surf the Internet. Play basketball. Go to the movies. Paint a picture. Write a poem. Call a friend. In time, you will be able to deal with the news, but until then, take care of yourself. Pg.25
It helps to talk things out. Talking doesn't change the facts, but sharing problems with someone makes your load seem more manageable. Pg. 29
Crying is a natural release of emotions that need to be discharged. Pg.53
Because it is painful to think of your loved one down in the ground, I suggest that you remind yourself of the basics of what it is to be dead. Your loved one will never breathe, eat, see or feel again. What you knew and loved was not a body; it was the spirit, the personality, the wonderful combination of traits that make up a living person. Sadly, that is gone. All that is left is the shell in which it dwelled. It is only the shell that will occupy that grave; the person you knew lives on in memory. Pg.65
funerals and memorial services are really for the living. Pg.67
Grief is different for everybody. Maybe you can already see that in your immediate family: you might see one member very angry, another person expressing guilt, and another seemingly getting along just fine. What this should tell you is not that you are abnormal, but that everyone's grief is unique. Pg. 74
You may observe family members laughing, joking, and acting as if the funeral were a party. Chances are, it's because everyone is in a state of shock. The shock and numbness will last differing lengths of time for different people and different circumstances. When the reality of what has happened is too great for us to absorb, our bodies and minds tend to go into a protective mode, keeping the reality of what has happened at a distance. It will eventually wear off and reality will begin to sink in. It is likely to be accompanied by a lot of powerful emotions. Dont be surprised if you find yourself going back and forth between shock and reality. Pg.90
Don't forget the good things that you did. So often when we feel guilty about something, we forget the "good stuff." Take some time to make a list of all the things that you feel good about, and carry it with you. The next time you have a guilt attack, pull it out and read pg.103
Go one day at a time. Try not to think too far ahead. The future is always uncertain, but right now it can be overwhelming. Go slow. There will always be some short-range things you have to plan for, but let the long-range plans languish for a while. Pg.109
The other person being dead doesn't make the things he did or said right. It's OK to still feel resentment, but for your own good you need to try and then let it go. Pg. 134
Make a family decision as to what to tell others. The more open you can be, the easier it will be. Secrets often catch up with you. Pg.160
Some symptoms of PTSD:
• Recurring recollections of the transition event that are disrupting your home, school, or leisure time
• Recurring nightmares of the event
• Flashbacks and hallucinations
• Intense anxiety when you hear of a similar event
•Avoidance of feelings or thoughts
• Avoidance of any activities or situations that would remind you of the event
• Preoccupation with the event many months after it occurred
• Lack of recall; blank spots in your memory
• A decrease in your interest in activities
•Detachment and withdrawal from your friends •Depression. pg.164
Other things you can do to help yourself are:
•Talk about the experience. Every time you go over what happened, the less powerful its grip.
•Relax. Every day, do something for yourself. Pamper yourself, meditate, listen to music, take walks, visit a peaceful place like a park, church, or library.
•Take care of your physical needs. Eat healthy, exercise, and get enough rest.
•Stay involved with family, friends, and school. Keep on schedule and stick to old routines as well as you can. Pg.166
If others have been traumatized, here are some suggestions for you to help them:
•Listen to their stories, even though you may have heard them many times before. Ask questions to keep the conversation going.
•Be supportive and understanding. Have patience with them as they recover it takes time. •Give hugs if you are both comfortable doing so. Physical contact contributes to healing.
•Offer to help. People suffering from trauma have a hard time staying on task, getting organized, and concentrating.
•Take time for yourself, too. Helping a person suffering from PTSD is draining. Pg.167
I learned to appreciate depression, and periods of sadness I feel as reminders to tune in to myself. Pg.191
Would you like to talk? If you would, I’m here to listen. Don’t push the agenda. Let her choose what to talk about and when. Pg.195
Don’t say:
•"I know how you feel." You may have a good idea of how they might be feeling, but you could be wrong. You really need for them to tell you.
•"You shouldn't feel that way." This comment often follows after a person has said that he feels guilty or responsible for something about the death. Even though what he is talking about makes no sense to you, it is important that you hear him out. The important fact is that he feels the guilt and is looking for someone to just listen. You don't have to fix it; he simply needs for you to be there. The comment "You shouldn't feel that way" gives a negative message to your friend, who is likely to tell himself, "I can't talk to this person." So where does this feeling go? If you are his closest friend, the likelihood is that it will go underground and cause big problems later. The real value in having a close friend is being able to say anything and know that you will be heard. Pg.199
• "Call me if you need anything." This is a limp statement. They often don't have the energy to call, and, can’t take statements like this seriously. Instead of such vague offers, it would be more helpful if you had something specific you could offer, such as saying, "I have two hours free this afternoon. Could I help you with your homework or getting your room straightened out?" Pg.200
Sometimes our anxiety causes us to rattle on, but silence really is golden. Your just being there will be appreciated. Or just to listening. Pg.200
If you don’t know what to do to help, ask. Pg.201
Say "I'm sorry." This simple two-word statement says so much. Not only can you say this to your friend, but you can say it to your friend's family as well. Their response may also be a simple "Thank you."
"I am here to help. Can I run the vacuum? Run some errands? Pick people up at the airport?" Think of specific things that might be helpful.
If there is nothing for you to do, you might suggest that you and your friend go for a short walk. This would give him a chance to talk about what has happened and perhaps get some release from the atmosphere at home. Pg.202
As a friend, you can provide support that others can't provide. Holding back at times of intense grief, thinking you don't want to impose yourself or being uncomfortable with grief may be the worst thing you could do. As a friend, you have a special role. You have something to offer that others can't intimacy and confidentiality. Pg.203
We accomplish big things by doing many small things. That's the way you begin rebuilding your life. You will do it in small steps. No huge leaps, no sweeping changes, but a few small steps here and there until one day you realize that life is working out. It will be different, of course, from the life you would have had had your loved one not died. But, each of us has a unique life to live. Even identical twins have their own separate lives to live. As much as you may feel that your life has been ruined, you still have your own inner self, your own character, your own set of talents, your own ideals, your own capacity to make something of your life. Painful as it is to accept, the death of your loved one has not extinguished that which is you. Life can be a disappointment, but what you have to give the world is still there to be shaped and developed by you. Pg.206
Through your grief, you may discover new things about yourself, qualities that you never knew you had. You may come out of your grief a more complete, more rounded, more compassionate person. In the lives of famous people how many have been free of sadness and grief? How many historical figures have gone through life without personal tragedy? It's sobering to discover how unfair life can be, but it's reassuring to see that the human spirit can survive such cruelty. Now, I know that nothing is more sobering than having tragedy strike you and that reading one book is not going to convince you that you can laugh again someday, that you will look forward to each new day with joy and expectation. Yet, I assure you that this will happen. When it does, you need not feel guilty, for every living thing is a survivor. The essence of life is rebirth. You see it in new growth after a forest fire. You see it in the return of migratory birds every year. You see it in each new generation that populates the earth. Hard as it may be, life is a succession of losses the loss of one's childhood, youth, dreams and fantasies, health, beauty, friends, and loved ones through the years and yet our lives continue as we somehow come to accept and mourn each loss. The loss you have suffered is now a part of your life, just as the person who died lives on in your memory. Pg.207
July 29, 2013
The Grieving Teen: a Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends by Helen Fitzgerald is a wonderfully straightforward and comforting book. Fitzgerald is direct and sensitive, but covers all aspects of the feelings associated with grief and losing a loved one. She even goes into the different reactions people have according to types of deaths. She is especially helpful to young adults with feelings and experiences that are specific to teenagers. Fitzgerald provides accurate description of the feeling and then provides and action list of what to do to address and deal with these feelings in productive ways. The book was an easy read and includes a resource list of other books and web sites that can help someone dealing with grief.
March 15, 2015
As you see, the title of the book looks depressing. But if you enjoy to read these kind of books especially about psychology, it is a great book for you. Actually, I borrowed this book to do research for my I Search Paper.
I read the whole book because I liked it. This book includes facts, not opinion. Also, it doesn't tell a story. It only tells teens psychology at some situations in a scientific way. But you can be sure that you will enjoy to discover teens' psychology. if you are interested in these kinds of topics , you should read this book...
I read the whole book because I liked it. This book includes facts, not opinion. Also, it doesn't tell a story. It only tells teens psychology at some situations in a scientific way. But you can be sure that you will enjoy to discover teens' psychology. if you are interested in these kinds of topics , you should read this book...
June 23, 2011
Excellent book for teens who have experienced the death of a loved-one and for those wanting to help.
October 17, 2013
This is a good book that I can definitely see giving it or pieces if it to students who find themselves mourning.
I recommend!
I recommend!
March 1, 2015
Even though it's been 16 years since my oldest friend died suddenly, this book is helping to heal the parts of me that are still wounded from the experience.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews