Your child is not broken

by Heidi Mavir

"Your Child Is Not Broken" is THE book for parents who need permission to do things differently. Heidi Mavir almost died working out why that was necessary.

Part autobiography, part parenting manual, "Your Child Is Not Broken" is a no-holds-barred account of Heidi Mavir’s discovery of her child’s neurodivergence

Genres: Parenting, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Adhd, Psychology, Disability

156 pages, Paperback

Published December 13, 2022

Reviews

[Hannah Wingfield · Rating 1 out of 5]

According to amazon, the author of this book encouraged a social media pile-ons towards someone who left a negative review of it, so, please don't do that to me, OK? I know you have RSD but this isn't a personal attack, just an objective opinion of the book.

Firstly, the good. As mentioned earlier, the author has RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Disorder) & the section about that was well worth a read, it helped me understand myself better and would be helpful to show other people, I think. Secondly, there is a section about rethinking our own perspectives around disability and having a disabled child, and that was also well worth a read.

Neutral point - there was a lot here that I personally have already read and thought about. Perhaps if you are newer to reading/learning/thinking about autism then you will get more from it than I did - clearly a lot of people love it.

Now to the negative. I was so disappointed by how short and shallow the book is. Luckily I only paid £1 for it or I'd be demanding a refund! I read the whole thing in about an hour. It's told very much from the author's POV (which, fair enough, is her experience, but there was nothing to stop her including detailed case histories and suchlike) and there's very little in the way of practical advice.

The author is the parent of a child who was diagnosed privately as a teenager after basically sailing through primary school - if you have a child whose issues were much more apparent from a much younger age and who has been through the NHS assessment process, you're not going to find a lot here to relate to, as the book is very centred around her and her child's experience.

Another element I didn't like was that the author comes across as quite combative towards professionals, assuming that they're not going to help and will just blame parents for everything. Quite aside from the fact that this may put people off seeking support, it doesn't tie in with my experiences at all. Have I felt judgement from "family" and "friends"? Yes. From professionals? No. Again, this is just my experience, but there was very little about how socially isolating parenting a child with SEN can be and what to do when people you know personally are judgemental about their behaviour. Back to the professional angle - the author seemed to have a very "us vs. them" approach and completely ignored the fact that there may even be people who work in education or social care and have ND children/are ND themselves. Professionals don't *want* to not help (OK there will be the odd rogue person but generally) - often their hands are tied as to what they can do due to lack of resources and so on.

Overall the book felt like a series of blog or facebook posts rather than, well, a book. Obviously a lot of people have really enjoyed it but I was just left feeling disappointed and that I hadn't read anything deep enough to qualify as a book. An easy way to add to my Goodreads annual total I guess.

Edited to add:
If you want to learn more about Autism, I suggest reading this instead: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2...
Or this: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5...

[Andreia Miranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books i read and could relate to being a ND parent to ND children. Easy to read, and it all made sense. It comes with humour too

[Chinara Ahmadova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ara dildə yazılmış; neyrodivergent uşağı olan valideynlərə kömək olacaq şəxsi hekayə.

Haidi Mavir öz oğlu 14 yaşına gəlib çatanda onun autistik olduğunun fərqinə varır və özü 40 yaşında autistik olduğunu öyrənir. Sən demə autizm spektri çox genişdir və diqqət əksiklik pozğunluğu da bura daxildir.

Kitab boyunca Haydi məktəbdəki müəllim və psixoloq heyəti ilə apardığı "mübarizə"dən, valideynin günahlandırılmasından, uşağı zorla istəmədiyi şeyləri etməyə məcbur edən sistemin çatışmazlığından bəhs edir, maraqlı məsləhətlər verir.

Neyrodivergent oğlumla münasibətdə çox sorğyladığım məsələlərə bir az da aydınlıq gətirdi, ürəyim ağrıdı, yolumuzun uzun olduğunu bir daha gördüm. Bu mövzuda maraqlananlar üçün fərah yanaşma olacaq.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quick read about being a parent to a neurodivergent child and being a neurodivergent parent to boot. It's a very touchy feely book in the sense that it is an honest account of the feelings involved and very affirming to those feelings. It's not an academic book with lots of facts and figures.

For myself, an autistic parent of two autistic children, I appreciate the author putting herself out there, making the effort to say, "You are ok as you are." My problem is that just saying this doesn't actually change the situation. However, it does need to be said and I am sure that it will be a source of comfort to some. I just wish it was a source of comfort to me.

[Amy Forster · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although there was a lot in this book I could relate to from the parent’s point of view, there wasn’t a lot in for me to draw on for helping to understand my daughter. There were a lot of lessons to draw on regarding there is no one size fits all approach for kids, particularly those with ASD or ADHD but I felt this was more about accepting yourself as a parent with potential ASD ADHD than helping others understand your child.

[Jo Chorlton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Several friends recommended this book, and I am so grateful that they did. Heidi Mavir shares her experiences with honesty, and I felt so many punches to the gut as I recognised my own experiences as a teenager in the things that have happened to her child. Guess my brain may be even more neurospicy than I thought! Hearing, yet again, about how broken the education system is makes me so sad, especially as someone who was part of that system for so many years. I know I let kids down through my own ignorance, and I am reading books like this to help myself do better for my child and for the many neurodiverse friends that we have. While this book is helpful to neurodiverse parents, it would be even more helpful to neurotypical parents, teachers, and other professionals to help them understand what parenting a child with autism is like.

[boe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book is great if you know the struggle or of you feel uncertain or need a boost or overall just feel like you are going crazy x

[Emily Katy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This will be a really comforting read for some parents. I loved hearing from Theo too.

[Bethany Pagel · Rating 1 out of 5]

Autism parents don't need personal experience. We've all been through it and get it. We need help and advice on how to actually survive. This book offers none of that. And the added pages at the end are totally confusing. I didn't understand what I was reading or why they were there.

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is honest, hilarious, and REAL. I loved this book. Heidi Mavir is funny AF. She writes with no B.S. and doesn’t hold back.

Parents of Autistic and neurodivergent kids will relate so hard to her experiences and will feel less alone after reading this. You may cry, you will laugh, and you will learn.

I recommend two others alongside Your Child Is Not Broken: https://medium.com/neurodiversified/t...

[Betsy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can I give this 6 stars?!

Read this book if you’re curious about the experiences of parenting a neurodivergent child, being a neurodivergent adult, being a neurodivergent adult parenting a neurodivergent child, receiving a late diagnosis of neurodivergence, and/or living with invisible disability. The author blends her personal experience on each of these topics with easy-to-understand descriptions of contemporary research on ASD/ADHD, making a quickly digestible, comprehensive, and compassionate read.

Highly recommend. Please read this book.

[Christy Lawrence · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had found this book 7 years ago. Had to listen in chunks as it felt like Heidi was talking about our own family and sometimes it made me too emotional. Will keep recommending this to anyone in a similar situation.

Heidi, in her real, raw, loving and sweary way, made me feel seen, on what can be a very isolating and difficult journey.

“You are allowed….

to be ‘that parent’
to do things your way
to get things wrong
to be tired
to have big feelings
to do things the way that works best for your family
to say no
to take your time
to build a blanket fort
to eat ice cream for breakfast
to ditch the ideas that don’t work
to need some things to be just so
to experiment
to decide whose advice to take
to step away from people and situations
to sit on the floor at the airport
to take off your shoes in public
to arrive late and leave early
to not know the answers
to cry
to laugh
to make a mess
to swear
to add things to this list.”

[James R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sweaty, no-hilds-barred account of what it's like to parent a child with autism. I wish I'd have read this book years ago, as it would have help massively with experience of dealing with the way the world treats neurodiverse children and how parents can be better advocates for them.

[Katy Streeter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! Recommend to all parents or individuals who work with the neurodiverse community.

[A B · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a DNF for me. I couldn't stand how the author excuses her poor writing and lack of professional for "chronic over sharing". The language was foul and again, she excused herself by claiming she has a potty mouth.
Good writers should be able to express themselves without the use of foul language.

[Loraine · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a cloud of parenting panic I ordered this book in the hope it would shine some light on the struggles of raising two neurodivergent boys. It really does help you feel a little less lonely and validates the immense barage of feelings experienced.

[Kory · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fuck yes. Brilliant. Simple. Read this.

[Charlotte Millar · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book found me at the perfect time. i don’t think i’ll ever stop thinking about it, nor will i stop recommending it.
i sobbed throughout, i laughed, I felt seen and understood.
it was such a frank and honest memoir with a brilliantly motivating message.
I can almost feel heidi giving me the tightest squeeze and reminding me that i’m a bad bitch & can get through whatever this crazy ride throws at me - for me and for my kiddo.
thank you for reminding me how brilliant he is and how it’s the rest of the world that poses the problem, when i really needed that reminder the most 🫶🏻✨
PS. Fuck Nigel

[Michelle Jadczak · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of empathetic and helpful insight for parents of children on the spectrum. The author gives parents the knowledge they need to understand and support their children, and care for themselves. I highly recommend it.

[Roz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for all parents who are navigating the system for their neurodivergent child!

[Megan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This could have been a series or tweets or an insta reel.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a book!

This needs to be read by parents of both neurodivergent and parents of neurotypical children. It needs to be read by teachers, early year workers and all the professionals that work with families who should have the children's best interests at the heart of decisions.

As a parent of a neurodivergent child this has been a really good read it tells you that you aren't alone.
It tells you that whilst you feel like you are battling and at war with local authorities and professionals you are right to be that parent. I also have to say you come across some amazing professionals too who only have your child's best interests at heart.

The part about consent really highlighted to me that me saying no to suggestions is good and shows my child they have the choice they can consent to what they do and don't want to do.

The part about building relationships with other families with neurodivergent children really echoed how lucky I have been to connect with so many wonderful families out there. We are lucky to have each other support each other and know we have a team behind us who truly get it.

No matter where you are on your journey you should read this.
This would have been so beneficial at the start of the journey likewise where we are now with diagnosis and out of school waiting for specialist school place to become available this has been helpful.

I am currently that parent and do you know what. This book has validated and helped me see it's okay to be that parent. Even if I do question myself many times a day.

It's okay to say actually no this is not in my child's best interests.
When you're met with local authorities saying we do what's cheapest not best for you child.
It's okay to say actually that's not good enough and what should be at the heart of decisions made is the child. The best interests of the child and actually what the child wants. Consent. The child has a right to consent. We as parents have a right to be heard.

I hope you're about to go over to Amazon and buy this book and if you're toying with the order what are you waiting for go go go!!

[Helen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A different perspective on neurodivergence.

This book interested me from the moment I saw it. Working in early years childhood education and being a parent to two wonderful teenagers I have experienced and read quite a bit about the neurodivergent child. However this is very different to what I have come across before. Heidi is open and frank about her struggles with parenting a child with autism and ADHD, while discovering that she is also neurodiverse.
Although this is a very serious and hard topic to write about and I’m sure every parent goes through those pull your hair out times in life to a certain degree, but Heidi puts the humour into those moments as well as being honest about her struggles. It’s an eye opener to see a different perspective on those well meaning lay persons and professionals that are doing their best to help, but it more often than not ends up being more detrimental. I know it sounds callous but I found these written encounters the funniest.
It’s not about complying with the norms of society, but rather meeting each individual where they are and accepting their differences as qualities to their uniqueness. Believing your child is not broken!
I think the take away from this book is that everyone is different, whether you are neurotypical or not, so what works for one may not work for another. But also parents know their kids the best and they shouldn’t feel any shame or guilt for advocating for their or their child’s needs to be met.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Can't decide between 2/3⭐.

Another reviewer (Hannah Wingfield) said it way more eloquently than I could but here's my jist:
- there are some helpful parts, the section on disability, viewing the social model not the medical model and how we view disability

I absolutely hate the title. That's probably because it makes me irrationally mad. I know my child is not broken and I'd give anyone an ear full who suggested otherwise. I realise I come from a very privileged position though where nothing in the book was new to me. I also see why it was chosen. I still don't like it though.

I agree there's lots of positive things in here that many parents will need to hear. For that it's worth reading just to know they're not alone. Maybe it's because I have a good understanding of autism. Maybe it's because my job offers a good understanding of the education system. Maybe it's because I work in a different education system (and this book makes me glad not to be in England!) whatever it is, I found it incredibly negative towards any kind of support networks other than online platforms (and I get why, but it's not all like that and I wouldn't like to think of people reading this book and being scared of looking for support).

It's a super short read so not losing anything by reading it, just keep and open and inquisitive mind.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Uplifting for parents ❤️

For parents of neurodrivergent children this is a lovely book to read. If your looking for validation of your own feelings, experiences and to help remember your not alone in the many experiences you and your child are going through this is perfect. It's almost like having a best friend that can finally relate to what you feeling and going through.

I would describe it as more of a memoir of the authors experiences then a book that will give you factual information or tips.

I loved the writing style, very convenstaional, down to earth and free of jargon. Warning, the author does not hold back on her views or mix her words to sugar coat the reality she describes (this includes swearing), I did not mind this at all and find it refreshing to read a ture a acount if what a parent and child experiences in plain language.

This also gave some insight into realising you as a parent may be neruodiverse and how this can also affect you.

Overall, I really enjoyed this read. If your looking for something light, relatable without getting into the heavier side of understanding parenting nervodivergent children and at the start of learning more about the area, this is for you.

[Emz · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a parent of a ND child, I could relate to a lot of this book. I liked Mavir's writing style - I could almost hear her voice right next to me, like chatting to a friend. To be honest, I don't generally read many books on the subject of neurodiversity because, well, I'm living it everyday anyway, I don't really feel the need to, and sometimes we all need some escapism instead. However I made an exception for this book and I'm glad I did. It's well worth reading and reminded me that I'm not alone in this ND parenting journey.

It would be good for parents and teachers of neurotypical children to read this also, to help them begin to understand how challenging everyday life can be for ND children and their parents as a result of treatment from people who at best are just ignorant of neurodiversity, or who at worst don't care enough to want to understand it.

[Marie Southard Ospina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heidi Mavir writes with a heartwarming combination of joy, humour, rawness, vulnerability and endless empathy. I thoroughly enjoyed reading her perspective as a ND parent of a ND child.

As the mother of a ND child awaiting assessment, I’m spending a lot of my free time reading as much as I can about both ASD and ADHD (my daughter shows signs of both), and seeking advice and words of wisdom from parents of fellow ND children who uphold similar gentle parenting values to my own.

This is one for parents who don’t want to push their ND children to mask in an attempt to appear neurotypical or be somehow “easier” to parent — but rather, who want to create a space where our children feel safe being their most authentic, complicated, messy selves. While also helping them (and ourselves) navigate the more complex struggles that can come with neurodivergence.

[Jill aka CJ Hsu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Your Child is not broken by Heidi Mavir

What a quick read!!! (Not to be aware that I speed read through all the facts and stuff, because I don’t do nonfiction books usually). I’ve known for a little bit that I may be autistic or at least on the spectrum.

Now this book. I love how it’s so funny and encompasses the authors personality (and I love it when an author swears in the book!) and highlights her life. She has personal moments. Facts. Everything that a nonfiction book needs. But honestly the font threw me all the way off.

“You are allowed to ask for help.”

Easily this book gets 4 out of 5 stars. I think the font takes away a ⭐️ actually. But kudos to this novel for being so incredibly amazing.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Consider my mind blown 🤯 I picked this book up from the library without any expectations. I have already researched and read a ton about neurodivergence, autism, polyvagal theory and brain architecture, chemistry and function. Well let me tell you, this book blew my mind. The author’s experience as a parent of a neurodivergent child and her subsequent realization of her own neurodivergence as an adult (hilarious anecdote btw)…her honesty was so incredibly enlightening and her humour so relatable. My big takeaway was about perfectionism. As a concept (and learning how to cope with it) has always interested me. But learning of RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) “a heightened sensitivity to real, perceived or anticipated rejection” in neurodivergent people has me bawling. Just wow!

[Laura Hughes · Rating 4 out of 5]

An honest, easy to read account of one mum’s journey to acceptance of neurodiversity. It’s not a guide to your child, more a conversation with a filthy friend where they help you to acknowledge and accept that you and your children are different, and thats ok. It’s refreshing to read a book that allows you to trust yourself, to question the things you get told all the time when dealing with ‘professionals’, to let you know that your feelings and thoughts are completely valid and ok. The system is broken, not the child.
It’s not perfect but it’s a good read and left me feeling like I wasn’t alone. Sometimes thats exactly what you need.