Everyday Talk: Talking Freely and Naturally about God with Your Children

by John A. Younts

The most important conversations you will have with your kids will be in the context of everyday life. In Everyday Talk, author John Younts explains how to use ordinary conversations to talk to your kids about God and his world. You'll be delighted by his clear, practical insight and biblical wisdom. Buy this book and read it. But don't stop there—put it into practice. Your children will thank you!

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Theology, Nonfiction, Christianity, Family, Counselling

151 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

Reviews

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read a lot of Christian parenting books and this one is up there in the top three. The author doesn't feel like he has to cover all the traditional topics (he recommends other author's who have dealt with topics he doesn't. He primarily focuses on relational Christianity flowing into relational parenting. A relationship where you are talking with your kids about all sorts of stuff so that you are also able to talk to them "freely and naturally" about God. He has some great chapters that are missing in many Christian parenting books. For example, he devotes one chapter to being a listening parent. So good! This is especially helpful for those of us parents who are prone to give lectures rather than really listening to what our kids are saying. Another chapter was on using persuasive and tender speech. The author discusses how this kind of speech can make instruction more palatable to a child who may not want to hear your corrective words anyway! One of the great things about this book is that it is full of biblical wisdom. If I am not mistaken, all of his chapters are informed by the Book of Proverbs. Many have a theme verse that flows through each chapter. I thought the book was refreshingly simple, but extremely poignant for parents today. Many times after reading a parenting book, I leave completely overwhelmed! This book give you something you feel like you can get your arms around. Each chapter is ended with about four application questions for discussion. My wife and I plan on reading this together.

[Chris Wray · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was excellent, and is described in the foreword as "an awakening call to those who have never given serious thought to the effect of their speech upon their children. The most powerful personal influence in your child's life is everyday talk."

There are two foundational points that I wholeheartedly agree with. The first is the opposing influences that our children are exposed to, meaning that our children can hear Satan's spin from the world all the time. What they need from us as parents is to hear God's truth spoken with love and awe, as we follow God's direction in Deuteronomy 6. The second is that our everyday talk must be gospel saturated and be centred on grace rather than performance.

The rest of the book was permeated with godly wisdom, and I found it helped me to think through some of my everyday responsibilities as a parent, and how I can exercise them in a God glorifying way.

Listening: Good everyday talk requires at least two components. One is that you must have good things to say. The other component is good listening.

Holy Directions: The picture of a kind and benevolent parental authority presented in this section was truly beautiful. The basic thrust is that giving directions assumes authority. Children are commanded to obey their parents in the Lord. God is the one who establishes the authority of the parent and determines what they must teach. The children will be blessed if they obey. However, it is not the parents who can bless with long life, but God. Therefore, children are ultimately accountable to God.

God does not want our children to obey us simply because we are bigger than they are and can physically control them. Obedience is more than giving in to coaxing or threats. God wants our children to obey us because it pleases Him and blesses them.

Godly obedience begins with teaching children a basic worldview. "Worldview" might sound too complicated for children, but it’s not. It's as simple as saying, "God made everything. He made you. God is in charge of everything, and we must obey Him." That's just the beginning, but at a child’s level, it is the basis for obedience.

Our goal is to have our children know God and happily serve Him. This is why bargaining, cajoling, pleading and similar ploys are so damaging. The basic issue in obedience is willing submission. Unwilling, grudging compliance is not godly obedience. Cooperation based on negotiation and mutual advantage is also not obedience. Biblical obedience is willing submission to authority.

Proverbs 16:20-24 is particularly relevant here. He who follows instruction will do well (20) Sweet words increase the likelihood that instruction will be received. (21) God's wisdom brings life, but the instruction of fools brings destruction. (22) The heart of the wise will guide his speech and make his speech persuasive. (23) Kind, pleasant words bring sweet healing to the soul and body of the listener. (24) Verse 20 underscores that obeying God's instruction is a good thing. Verse 24 addresses how this instruction should be delivered. If we want our children to know God's blessing, we must speak with pleasant words.

Big Sins, Little Sins: The basic idea in this section is that when we discipline for "big sins" and overlook "little sins", we are setting a bad example for our children. We are teaching them, by our example, to obey only when it seems necessary to them. We are teaching them that it is okay to disobey if they don’t get caught. We are showing them that pleasing God is not very important - certainly not worth much inconvenience or self-denial. "Big sins, little sins" thinking shows sin as a matter of good or bad consequences. This kind of thinking is self-pleasing and leads to a lack of love for God and His Word. This was quite convicting, not only for me as a parent but as a Christian in general.

13 comes before 21: This section asks us to consider how long-term the impact of everyday talk is. With young children, we can prepare now for the years ahead through our everyday talk. Everyday talk is one important tool that parents have to keep the lines of communication open between themselves and their teenagers-to-be.

When our children become teenagers, they are beginning to emerge into adulthood. These years are difficult; the process of maturing from child to adult is challenging. The parent-child relationship must change from total dependence, obedience and submission to relative independence; respect and honour instead of immediate obedience; and unmediated accountability to God and church, apart from the parents. The skills discussed in the earlier chapter of the book - listening, talking, presenting the gospel, understanding sin and obedience - will equip us to make the transition through the teen years.

Our home is God's greenhouse: As a greenhouse is used for the cultivation of plants, so our home is used to cultivate faith in Christ for our children. Our home should provide spiritual protection from the harsh storms of daily life. God's purpose for our home is to prepare, protect and cultivate. Our home should protect them from the harsh, hostile realities of the world until they are sufficiently prepared to withstand the attacks they will face. Eventually, when they have been taught and trained in the home and church, they will be equipped to survive and grow in the rich soil of God's word.

The contrast with the unbelieving home is stark. In this modern environment, the home functions not as a greenhouse but as a stage. Children are displayed, not protected. Children are exploited, not trained. Sinful behaviour is accepted and defended. Parents live for their children, and children live for themselves.

But this way of living is folly. Wisdom will protect our children; performance will not. Proverbs 4 speaks of wisdom that can protect our children when we are not there to direct them and warn them. Love for wisdom will result in protection. This is the theme of the greenhouse: protection and preparation for the life ahead.

The world, the grand deception: In all of the ease and comfort of modern life, it is easy to forget what the world is truly like. It is easy to lose sight of the need to prepare our children for a world which is not their friend. It is easy to love the world. Our job as a parents is to use the time while our children are in the protected environment of our home to prepare them for the deceptive, hostile world that they must soon face.

One great fact about the world is its near-total unawareness of its allegiance to Satan. That, of course, is a major achievement of the great Deceiver. It is important to remember that the world, those who have not been redeemed by Christ, is the kingdom of Satan. His subjects, for the most part, do not realise that they are under Satan's rule. His subjects believe they are in charge of their own lives, to do with them as they wish. Because of this deception, the world is attractive.

Even when people become aware of the deceit of the world, without Christ, they remain captives of the grand deception. Even when they see it for what it is, they cannot break free of it to find truth and freedom. In Satan's kingdom, pleasure promises freedom but leads to slavery, and hard work promises fulfilment but often leads only to hard times. This is not what people expect; it is not what the world promises. Yet these promises are part of the grand deception.

Christians, however, are subjects in the kingdom of God and not the kingdom of this world. We must teach our children to see the total difference between these two kingdoms. Satan wants to minimise or deny the differences, he wants us off our guard. If our children don't see the dangers, they are vulnerable to the world's deceptive allure.

We must tell our children over and over that satisfaction and contentment are impossible apart from a right relationship with God. Satan wants people to think he can offer more pleasure than God can, but the world's pleasures don't deliver what they promise, and what enjoyment they do bring doesn't last. A Christian, however, can find contentment and satisfaction in any situation, and only a Christian can fully enjoy lesser pleasures because we don't depend on them for happiness. We can take or leave them because we find our joy in God. Christians live in the world, but are not of the world. They are subjects in the kingdom of God. God's kingdom is the only place of genuine truth and strength, and beauty. We need to talk to our children about all things and about Satan's deception. We need to teach them not to be deceived by the world, and not to trade the truth of God for the lies of Satan.

What an awesome and frightening responsibility. Our job as parents is to equip our children to move on and to begin a new family that will honour God by loving and obeying him. May God help us with the task and give us joy in it.

Update after re-read in 2023:

I first read this book when our oldest son was a toddler, and thought it was interesting, useful and even achievable. Reading it now, when the boys are older, with much everyday talk behind us, was a much more bruising and convicting experience! "Everyday talk is far more important than 'Sunday best' talk. It reveals us as we really are - our character and our priorities. Our children model our everyday talk because that is what they hear most of the time. By it we teach them our worldview, our ethics, our theology and our relationship with God." Yikes!

It is supremely helpful to be reminded of the importance of the ordinary in Christian discipleship, and of consistent, faithful obedience in the small things. This is nowhere more true than in our speech - everyday talk must be spoken with a pleasant spirit, presenting God's word with love and care rather than succumbing to the temptation to "hurl admonitions at our kids in the heat of battle, fuelled by frustration and anger." By contrast, parents are to "reflect the power of gospel grace in [your] everyday talk. As this powerful grace begins to control your everyday talk, you will lead your children to a rich and growing understanding of the gospel." Throughout the book, as he addresses topics like listening, giving directions and dealing with disobedience, Younts keeps that larger objective in view. Our aim is not to make our lives easier, or even to ensure that our children are well-behaved, but rather to illustrate God's grace to our children and to call them into a relationship with their heavenly Father. Again, he comments that, "God wants you to be aware of how your children are responding to your words. It is easy to focus on what you want your children to do or not do. But you must also be concerned with how your direction impacts your children." This is the core message of the book, and of all Christian discipleship: While our actions are important, God is primarily interested in the heart, and without the heart, any outward change is irrelevant if not futile. And that applies not just to our kids, but to us as parents. We need to model the same kind of other-centred neighbour love that we want to see grow in our children as they embrace the faith for themselves. To that end, this book serves as a timely reminder of the high calling that parents have, as well as providing much sensible and wise Godly counsel. I highly recommend it.

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

O Livro é prefaciado pelo pastor Jay Adams, nas palavra dele "O livro é um despertar àqueles que nunca consideraram, de fato, os efeitos das palavras dirigidas a seus filhos. A obra não apenas envia uma mensagem clara, como também oferece recursos para mudanças"

Entre outros assuntos, o livro também trabalha sobre como falar com nossos filhos sobre o mundo, música e sexo. Sem dúvida um livro edificante e confrontador.

Recomendo a leitura.

[Gabie Peacock · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must-read for parents or hopeful parents. The author focuses our attention not only on the importance of discipleship but also gives us many practical examples of how we can do this in the ordinary day to day life. This book is full of gospel truths that comforted even my heart as a hopeful parent. I will definitely be rereading and recommending to others.

[Mandy J. Hoffman · Rating 5 out of 5]

MY REVIEW:

If you thought parenting was exhausting...wait till your read this book! And not only that, but you will also feel like an utter failure as a parent!

WAIT!

Before you click away because this sounds like a terrible book, let me share that this is THE BEST parenting book I have yet read. Yeah...that should say something because I have read a pile of parenting books!

While Everyday Talk will make it very clear to you that you are an imperfect parent, it will also greatly encourage you, humble you, and fill you with hope that through Christ you can point your children to God through the simplicity of your everyday talk. It's a short book and an easy read with Younts casual, but direct approach. He doesn't waste time trying to convince you of his ideas, but purposefully unpacks and applies scripture to our daily challenged as parents.

As you have already noticed, I like this book. I walked away with so much to apply and for the first time felt such clear purpose in the daily issues that I face as a mother. My favorite chapters were 6 and 7 that dealt directly with the most frustrating parts of parenting. And I also highly appreciated his chapter on music which was short and got right to the heart of the matter rather than being another essay on someone's personal opinion. If I had to sum up what I am walking away with it would be this: "Do I value God's holiness enough to allow it to influence and direct my moment by moment parenting?"

My one and only caution in this book is that Younts focuses a little more on the discipleship of children than the evangelism of children and I think we need to be cautious in that we never assure a child of their salvation or assume it. Not that he outright says this, just that he seems to lean more toward this side of the spectrum.

I recommend this book to parents, and I highly recommend it to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and those who work with kids on a regular basis. While the focus is directed to Moms and Dads, the wisdom and Biblical principals are beneficial to all who interact with children. I think that a parent's child-rearing could be even more effective when godly grandparents are on the same page and supporting their children rather than undermining them or discouraging them. The same goes for teachers, extended family members, and any adult close to the family.

Read and learn again and again with this gospel-centered, everyday book

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just began this book but am already very convicted about my lacksadaisacal parenting as of late.
**
This books was excellent. It was concrete, biblical and relevent. I am going to encourage William to read it because it also has some very good discussion questions. I need to spend some time digesting this.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate that the book was focused on words. It stays focused on this and doesn't try to hit all the aspects of parenting. His style and approach weren't always my favorite but the content/referencing of scripture is very good. I would suggest reading this along with a book like Kimmel's Grace Based Parenting. They balance each other well.

[Jerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

11.08 If brevity is soul of wit, this book is witty. Practical, pointed, and concise, a valuable resource for parents looking to nurture their kids in the constant conversation that takes place. Read it. Give it away.

Read again June, 2011. Fantastic.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent read for parents on the importance of everyday talk with our children based on the parental commission to talk about the Lord and his commands throughout our days based on Deut 6:4-9. Really helpful and practical.

[Laura]

This is an excellent book! I wish it had gone more in-depth in certain parts but it lays a wonderful foundation for understanding the importance of talking with your kids about God and some practical ways to accomplish those conversations.

[Brendan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A simple and readable book. The title says it all, and the refrain is almost annoying at times throughout the book: Everyday Talk with your kids matters. It is re-iterated on every page and you will find yourself walking away with the main point on this one. No thick theology here. Overall, this book served its purpose in reminding me of the importance of the everyday conversations with children.

The best part of this book was its insistency on the gospel from the very beginning. Younts spends an entire chapter discussing the importance of the gospel in terms of having these everyday conversations, and how this must be the basis from which we work. This is a very much needed chapter, and might be the lynchpin of the book. Without it, the reader may tend towards legalism as they try and apply all the strategies discussed without the love and heart motivation needed.

The hardest parts honestly were the sections talking about the "everyday" stuff; sex, foul language, television, music, etc. Nothing new in these sections of the book- typical "use discretion and wisdom" as you talk about these things with your children. Honestly, I felt like I was plowing through already tilled soil on this part, which made it hard to read for long periods of time. But who couldn't use the reminder?

Go ahead and pick up this book, just don't expect to uncover a goldmine of new information or parenting tips. Let the chorus of the book work its way into your head, and once you get the point, go about engaging in the "everyday talk".

[Kimberly Winters · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave this book only two stars for two reasons. First, I felt it addressed our "talk" in a way that seemed (to me at least) to encourage more influence on others (even our children) than I think we should seek to have. Second, it was very elementary - or in other words, it seemed to me to cover items that a true believer would have already known. These two elements combined to make me a bit uneasy - at times I felt it was a bit condescending, and then out of that condescension, a behavioral prescription was being laid out, and the message given that if we carefully follow the behavioral prescription - our kids (and others in our care) will grow spiritually. Please note: I experience a kind of hyper vigilance against anything that has the aroma of man-powered spirituality - so you may not feel this way at all about this particular book and may possibly not pick up even the slightest whiff of what I felt. The author is likely a true brother in Christ sharing his heart on a topic he is passionate about. And with that in mind, and on a more positive note - I liked the reminder that our everyday talk reveals something very important about the true status of our faith, and if our everyday talk reveals mistrust in God - we will pass that on most likely to our kids and those in our care.

[Mattmiller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is challenging because it calls us to a very high standard as parents. But God is gracious and uses us, imperfect vessels, to show himself to our children. The call to not be "ordinary" (i.e. to respond to disappointments in our life in selfish ways) was a very convicting chapter. If our kids see us respond in "ordinary" ways we portray God as ordinary also.

Also a chapter on "big sins, little sins" was enlightening. The author discusses how harmful it can be if we vary our discipline based on the consequences of a broken rule (get really mad if they run in the house and brake a vase but shrug it off if they run in the house and only spill a water glass). It teaches our kids to make choices based on possible negative outcomes rather than on what is right.

I highly endorse the book for anyone with young children seeking to communicate with them God's love in every day ways.

[Brad · Rating 3 out of 5]

Simple and thought provoking, The author repeats his theme several times: the most important and profound instruction your children will ever receive is from your everyday talk (cf. Dt. 6:6-7). Each chapter suggests some ways to address topics that come up in everyday life, from rainy days and hectic days to more standard topics like sex and music. Perhaps I'll write more thoughts later, but the most helpful part of the book may be the application questions at the end of each chapter, which are better than most. The book isn't deep, the chapters are relatively brief, and this book would lend itself to couples working through it together or in a small group setting or the like. What we talk about and how we talk will shape the way our children view God and the gospel.

[E · Rating 3 out of 5]

The overall idea of this book is sound--the everyday conversations will have with our children will have a far greater impact on their future than a few "major" conversations every now and then. So for instance, complaining about the weather in front of our children teaches them that God's providence is something to kvetch about. This is a good example, but a lot of the other examples in the book are at times silly. So read the book for its framework (I especially likes his points about not making our children the center of our lives, and about how our relationships with our spouses should be more important than those with our kids), while coming up with your own examples.

[Daniel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought the book was ok at it's point thou it was badly repetitive in both comments made and use of the same few scriptural references. I felt some of the scripture used was either badly stretching the use given to it, or was simply so broad it seemed to lack definition to the use. It had some good points, thou most of those points seemed to be drowned out by unreal expectations. So while I think the book had some good ideas and the premise overall was good, it was simply not executed well.

[Pete · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has got to be one of the most practical books on parenting ever. Loaded with godly common sense! Wondering how to lead your children in the Lord? Jay helps you understand it's during your everyday life that opportunities to teach and "talk" are constant. How did you respond to the bad weather? What did your child learn from that response?! It is practical stuff like this we all need as Christian parents. An absolute must for any parent trying to raise their kids in the instruction/admonition of the Lord.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book taught me not to use God’s Word like a baseball bat to manipulate my kids to do what would best serve me but to handle it as the beautiful treasure that it is for the glory of God. (“Shepherding A Child’s Heart” was probably the best book for a solid foundation, but most everyone already talks about that in my circles, and this book adds something valuable to the discussion. ;) )

[Kacey · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book for parents to learn how to talk to your child(ren) about different topics - from toddlers to teens and adult children. My husband and I did this as a bible study with another couple. A great opportunity to share knowledge and stories, get to know friends better, and read about raising children. A book that will be reviewed many times as children grow (and parents too)!

[Trace · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not impressed with this book. It talked a great deal about the outcomes one wants to aspire to; it talks about what NOT to say; there were quite a bit of scripture references but zero suggestions or examples of the kind of everyday talk that the author is trying to inspire. The title is very, very misleading. I felt this book had a lot of filler but very little in way of practical examples.

[Naomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

what do your everyday responses to life tell your kids about what you really believe? this book gets right down to the heart of things - your heart and their hearts. it helps us long for heart change as we see how our words reflect our deepest hopes and fears, and teach our children what we believe about what God is doing in his world, in us and in them.

[Becca Harris · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are one or two good things in this book at the beginning. The rest of this book sounded legalistic at times and did not speak of grace or our need and dependence on the Holy Spirit. Everyday talk is super important in parenting, but he suggests abstaining from culture. And while I do want to protect my sons, at some point we have to engage culture.

[Donald L. Coldwell Jr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very Helpful

I appreciated both the fast moving chapters and the specific content in this book. The author uses many specifics through the book and I appreciate him not being to general. This prevents the book from being an airy unpractical waste of time.

I encourage all parents to prayerfully read this book as you look to worship God in your life.

[Daren Lou · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. It showed a lot of insight into Deuteronomy 6 and gave good examples of areas that we can minimize our actions because we are tired, stressed, or don't notice it. The book is easily read and broken up into short chapters by different topic. The discussion questions at the end of each section are thought provoking. I would highly recommend this book.

[Garland Vance · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, practical advice for parents on how to consistently use words to edify their children. More than anything, this book reminds parents that their "everyday" words and tones communicate the gospel to children.

[Jason · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parenting the right way

Great book to make you think about how your everyday talk impacts your kids. Must read for all parents and expecting parents. While geared to parents, the book also makes you think about how your talk impacts others in their walk.

[Hilary Treat · Rating 5 out of 5]

So practical

This book is so practical and easy to read. I love how it gets to the point quickly in each chapter and gives real-life applications. It’s going on my to re-read shelf.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Principles we all know but a good reminder to use them.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

easy application with practical suggestions!

[Shari · Rating 5 out of 5]

Convicting, exciting, stirring. Inspires me to ask my children MORE questions and to LISTEN! Prayerfully reading.