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But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships
One in three girls will be in a controlling, abusive dating relationship before she graduates from high school – from verbal or emotional abuse to sexual abuse or physical battering. Is your daughter in danger? Dr. Jill Murray speaks on the topic of dating violence at high schools around the country, reaching more than 10,000 students, teachers, and counsellors each year. In every school she visits, she is approached by teenage girls in miserable relationships who, when confronted with the option of breaking up with the boy, exclaim, "But I love him!" Many young women – and their parents, aren't even aware of the indications of a potentially abusive relationship. What's most alarming is that these warning signs are also some of the behaviours that girls find most A boy pages and calls a girl often – but as a form of control, not affection. He wants to spend all his time with her, but eventually won't allow her to spend time with her friends. He says "I love you" very early in the relationship. These behaviours can escalate into blaming, isolating, manipulating, threatening, humiliation, and sexual and physical abuse. In But I Love Him, Dr. Murray identifies these controlling, abusive patterns of behaviour and helps you get your daughter out of the relationship without alienating her. You will learn what draws her to this type of relationship, why she has a hard time talking to you about it, the special barriers teens face when breaking off a relationship, and what's going on in the mind of a teen abuser. Dr. Murray will help you show your teen what a respectful relationship looks like, and teach her the importance of respecting herself. edition.
208 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2000
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177 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
July 7, 2008
Great book that should be required reading for all high school girls. Suggestions on how to teach girls (of all ages) the difference between a healthy or unhealthy relationship without passing judgement. Fantastic book for mom's looking to help.
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November 27, 2019I had high hopes based on the title, but didn't see anything I haven't already tried. Communicate, support, supervise, yes absolutely, obviously.
August 19, 2019
This book was very informative. I really enjoyed it.
January 5, 2021
I wish I had this book when I was a teen, it would've helped me a great deal.
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April 28, 2021read this for my dissertation about abusive relationships in ya fiction. found it really useful for my essay
November 1, 2013
But I Love Him by Dr. Jill Murray is an advice book to parents on how to deal with a daughter who was once in an abusive realtionship, or one who is in one. The book describes the characteristics of an abusive relationship, how to stop it, why girls stay, and it also has stories from real girls and guys and their experiences in abusive relationships.
I really liked this book because it helped me understand why things were the way they were in an abusive realtionship I was in. Although the book is focused more towards giving parents advice, it helped me see what I couldn't see before. The way the book described why girls choose guys who are abusive, and why they stay in the realtionship really helped to answer the question of why I stayed in the one I was in. It also put me in the perspective of my parents when they had to watch me go through what I went through. Also the real stories from real girls showed me that I'm not alone, and that other girls were capable of leaving their abusive relationships and moving on with their lives. The stories always tied into the section of the book that you read, and the first part of the book where it talks about characteristics of an abusive realtionship, and why girls stay was my favorite. There's a lot more to an abusive relationship than people think. Not only is it physical, but it's emotional, mental, and sexual. Also people always give girls crap about staying in the realtionship, but no one understands what it's like. In the section of the book where it talked about why girls stay, it talked about how they are lost looking for themselves, and when a confident guy comes around, and tells you who you are, then that's all that you know. It's not their fault because they were told by someone else who they were.
There was nothing in this book that I didn't like. It was completely real, raw, and to the point. There was no sugar coating or anything.
I definately think everyone should read this book. As I said earlier people get the wrong impression of what abuse is, and why girls stay. If they were to read this book they would understand completely, and hopefully change their opinions about it. I also think that if someone you know or even you are in an abusive relationship you should read it. It helped me understand so many new things I just couldn't wrap my mind around. Overall the book was amazing with so many facts and stories that just blew my mind.
I really liked this book because it helped me understand why things were the way they were in an abusive realtionship I was in. Although the book is focused more towards giving parents advice, it helped me see what I couldn't see before. The way the book described why girls choose guys who are abusive, and why they stay in the realtionship really helped to answer the question of why I stayed in the one I was in. It also put me in the perspective of my parents when they had to watch me go through what I went through. Also the real stories from real girls showed me that I'm not alone, and that other girls were capable of leaving their abusive relationships and moving on with their lives. The stories always tied into the section of the book that you read, and the first part of the book where it talks about characteristics of an abusive realtionship, and why girls stay was my favorite. There's a lot more to an abusive relationship than people think. Not only is it physical, but it's emotional, mental, and sexual. Also people always give girls crap about staying in the realtionship, but no one understands what it's like. In the section of the book where it talked about why girls stay, it talked about how they are lost looking for themselves, and when a confident guy comes around, and tells you who you are, then that's all that you know. It's not their fault because they were told by someone else who they were.
There was nothing in this book that I didn't like. It was completely real, raw, and to the point. There was no sugar coating or anything.
I definately think everyone should read this book. As I said earlier people get the wrong impression of what abuse is, and why girls stay. If they were to read this book they would understand completely, and hopefully change their opinions about it. I also think that if someone you know or even you are in an abusive relationship you should read it. It helped me understand so many new things I just couldn't wrap my mind around. Overall the book was amazing with so many facts and stories that just blew my mind.
August 16, 2011
First for anyone who actually knows me: No, I did not read this book because I'm worried about my teenage daughter's boyfriend. I read this book because I've got four *other* daughters who have yet to start dating, and I felt I should prepare myself. If the author's statistics are correct and 1 out of 3 teenage girls suffers dating violence, the chance that something happens to one of my other girls is sadly quite high, and I ought to do what I can to stop it before it starts.
So this book. Maybe I'm a sucker for psych books, but I really liked what this one had to say. It's audience is the parents of a teenage girl who's already *in* a bad relationship, and discusses ways to talk with her and approach the situation with an objective eye, rather than buried in emotionally-charged accusations and counter-accusations which are far more common.
From my perspective, it helps to identify the areas of discussion we need to have with the girls before serious dating starts, and gives me an angle of approach if that stuff goes badly.
The book was published in 2000, and thus written earlier... There's lots of talk about teens paging each other, rather than using cell phones as they do today (2009). So there's a bit of in-your-head translation that goes on there. (I'd actually love to see what the author thinks about the never-ending texting that goes on today.)
There's an extensive set of Resources at the end of the book; I worry that some of the organizations the author presents are no longer around, though a good Internet search should provide a new list, so perhaps that's not such a big deal.
So this book. Maybe I'm a sucker for psych books, but I really liked what this one had to say. It's audience is the parents of a teenage girl who's already *in* a bad relationship, and discusses ways to talk with her and approach the situation with an objective eye, rather than buried in emotionally-charged accusations and counter-accusations which are far more common.
From my perspective, it helps to identify the areas of discussion we need to have with the girls before serious dating starts, and gives me an angle of approach if that stuff goes badly.
The book was published in 2000, and thus written earlier... There's lots of talk about teens paging each other, rather than using cell phones as they do today (2009). So there's a bit of in-your-head translation that goes on there. (I'd actually love to see what the author thinks about the never-ending texting that goes on today.)
There's an extensive set of Resources at the end of the book; I worry that some of the organizations the author presents are no longer around, though a good Internet search should provide a new list, so perhaps that's not such a big deal.
December 15, 2013
The book "But I Love him" written by Dr. Jill Murray is aimed towards parents who are dealing with their daughter dating an abusive boyfriend. Dr. Jill Murray is a therapist for abused females and the advice that she gives throughout the book seems like it would be very helpful if this was a problem that you were facing. The different types of abuse are talked about in depth such as; mental, emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse. She explains how a lot of females that are with an abuser might not even think that they are being abused. Many people do not realize there is more to abuse than just physical abuse. The main idea of this book is getting your daughter away from her abuser which is usually very difficult. I liked this book because it had a lot of good information on a very important topic. The only thing I did not really like is the fact that this book was written basically only for parents. Obviously if I were a parent dealing with this issue I would not mind, but the entire book was written in a way that was only talking to the parents, not anyone else that may be reading it like a teenager who may be abused.
July 16, 2013
Excellent insight into violent dating relationships for both parents and teens.
However, not all relationships in which one of the partners is controlling turn violent. Dr. Murray touches on this fact very briefly, so briefly that you might miss it if you blink. I've seen girls stay in a controlling relationship over and over and over. The guy isn't violent, so it's even more difficult for her to see how he's destroying her happiness and she gies bacj to him again and again. I was hoping this book would give a little more attention to girls in non-violent but controlling relationships. That said, it was still enlightening and filled with important info for parents and teens.
However, not all relationships in which one of the partners is controlling turn violent. Dr. Murray touches on this fact very briefly, so briefly that you might miss it if you blink. I've seen girls stay in a controlling relationship over and over and over. The guy isn't violent, so it's even more difficult for her to see how he's destroying her happiness and she gies bacj to him again and again. I was hoping this book would give a little more attention to girls in non-violent but controlling relationships. That said, it was still enlightening and filled with important info for parents and teens.
December 12, 2010
Every woman (girls too), men (boys too), and every parent needs to read this book. This book may help bring more awareness to domestic violence. I read this when I was a junior in high school when a friend in one of my classes suggested that I read this book. This book gives great signs if you are in a abusive relationship and also stories from people who were in one and now they got out. I highly suggest that anyone reads this rather you are in a relationship or not. This book might just save your life.
December 31, 2008
I read this because I recently became a member of our state's Teen Dating Abuse Awareness and Prevention Council. We were required to read it before a meeting, and I found it very useful, even though I have never been involved in an abusive relationship. It helps define healthy relationships and gives great advice to moms worrying about their daughters' boyfriends. Every teenage girl should be required to read it to avoid abusive relationships of any kind.
January 13, 2013
Very insightful. Having been in the situation myself when I was a teenager, I kind of don't think that some of the things Jill suggested would work. I don't think I would've ever talked to my mother again (at least while I was a teenager) had she sat my boyfriend and me down and discussed sex....but then again it might have scared him off which would have be a good thing!
January 30, 2016
This book offers an objective view of an abusive dating relationship. It gives insight into the possible causes, the indicators, and the most effective ways to speak with your teen in a way that won't result in defensiveness. Tons of resources in the back of the book.
February 15, 2012
This book is completely filled with solid, professional advice. I am glad to have the knowledge with me to recognize a problem and take steps to recovery.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews