The Life I Lead

by Keith Banner

A stunning debut novel about obsessional passion and a morally ambiguous love, about an upstanding family man in an Indiana town who finds himself caught in the grip of desire for a young boy.

Dave Brewer, married to Tara--they have an eighteen-month-old daughter--is a meter reader for Indiana Gas. He helps his ailing father. He drives a bus for the Norris Road Baptist Church. He enjoys a good round of golf. He has everything he family, community, a steady job. Until one day at a public pool, he sees a boy, a quiet loner, in whom he sees himself.

The boy, Nathan, has cut his foot at the pool. Something in his scared, innocent eyes awakens a powerful compassion in Dave that gradually emerges as something an obsession both physical and spiritual ("I feel what I feel for him in the back of my mouth, in the muscles in my hands").

As his interest in Nathan evolves from sympathy to love, Dave can no longer deny the complexity of his feelings--he desires Nathan at the same time that he wants to save him. His feelings for the boy--summoning up a crucial, long-forgotten memory from his own boyhood--propel him into the crisis of his life.

What happens is told in a shocking but fully human story of the power of love and the fragility of innocence.

Genres: Fiction

272 pages, Hardcover

First published May 18, 1999

Reviews

[Charles · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read, and that's not a complaint. It shares with Banner's even more wonderful short stories an unflinching, and unsentimental, attention to the sort of people that tend to get sidetracked by most fiction: low-income white blue-collar workers, caught between faith and indifference to faith, possessed by emotions they can't, or won't, handle, dealing with problems of sickness, and money, and cars that won't start, and marriages that won't quite work. The book examines the struggle a man has with his feelings for a nine-year-old boy. As a child himself, he was seduced by an older boy and the novel moves between the two stories, each casting light on the other and emphasising the complex and non-sensational aspects of a love that can neither be accepted nor denied. It's hard to read because it forces the reader to put to one side assumptions about evil - assumptions that Dave, the main character and a church goer, is seen to share. What we're left with is a sense that conventional morality isn't much help here. But then what is? What do we do with our need, and capacity, for love when its the 'wrong sort'? Sublimate it? Accept it? What kind of life can we lead? Banner doesn't know or doesn't tell us if he does It's as though the novel takes you to a place you recognise, then leaves you there to find your way home by yourself.

[Christina Culbertson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just finished "The life i lead" and let me say this. I love twisted, mind boggling, Trashy books, and this one takes the cake. This book has to be in my top 10 of the most disturbing books i have ever read. The mind of a pedophile is sick. David was molested as a little boy by a 16 year old boy, and now as a 42 year old adult he leads a double life. He has a wife and a little girl named Brit. His second life he is a pedophile that preys on little boys. The book goes back and forth between David, Troy (The 16 year old that molested david as a child) and David as an adult. Because he was molested, he does the same thing to other little boys and fantasizes about doing terrible immoral things to them. He pretends to have his life together, until his dad gets stomach cancer. Then all hell breaks loose. His wife Tara knows hes losing his mind. She thinks its because of his abusive dad, but really its him obsessing over the little boy at the pool. This is one creepy book. The part where David and Pastor Lewis go to the little boys house and talk his parents into letting the little boy go to church is crazy. As david is talking to the little boys parents, hes obsessing about doing terrible things to this little boy. Finally he gets caught trying to molest the little boy, and the little boy escapes and goes to the police, and thats the end for Dave. I give this book 4 stars because of the narrative and the way this story unfolds. Its interesting to read from a pedophiles point of view, but also disgusting. It shows you how sick these individuals are truly are. I have a strong intolerance for pedophiles, and to read a book from a pedophiles point of view gave me different views on all sides of the fence. David is a very very sick man, and if people knew how he really felt truly, he would be in a mental hospital for the rest of his life. The way he described children and he even mentions a time rubbing his daughters soft legs in her baby crib!! I thought it was extremely weird that he had a daughter, and he never talked about molesting her until the end. Troy started it all. Troy molested dave, therefore Dave became a pedophile himself. Sexual trauma can really put a toll on someones mind. Dave said something along the lines of "You never get over it, it become you and who you are" and that was a scary analogy for me. Their are people out there like this, who think like this, and do the same things this sick man does in this book. How can one be turned on by children? I do understand "why" and its because of control, innocence, ect. A very disturbing book, but a very interesting story. These kinds of books are the reason why i read. Although it disgusts the reader..it makes them think and realize..their are millions of people who get up every day and think like this. Our neighbors, coworkers, friends, keeping these deep dark secrets that are forbidden, and if one was exposed..their whole world would come crashing down. Keep a close eye on your children at all times people. Their are some really sick people out here. The author who wrote this fiction has to be pretty fucked up in the head to come up with the context of this book. I could not put the book down. Entertaining, yet so real. Would i recommend this book? Not to everybody. Most people would cringe.

[Benjamin Lettuce Treuhaft · Rating 5 out of 5]

This gruesome tale of man/boy antics and the violent neglect that engenders them has scenes that make you cry not only because you see what it's like to be fucked up by a pervert but also what it must be like to be addicted to crazy destructive sex. Banner even manages to make a child-beating father beautiful.

[Kathleen O'Nan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This very sad book tells of 2 generations of pedophiles and the forces that lead them into the lives they lead. Hard to read because the content is very graphic and strong.