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Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work
We all have people in our lives that we just can't seem to get along with. Whether it's our spouse, co-worker or neighbour, something about the relationship just rubs us up the wrong way, and though our natural instinct is to blame the other person, that can just make things worse.
In Feeling Good Together, renowned US psychiatrist Dr David Burns applies his successful method of cognitive interpersonal therapy to teach us how to take control of our relationships.
Building on the principles that he first introduced in Feeling Good, Burns offers innovative techniques designed to improve communication skills and shows us how to cope with different personality types, such as the big ego, the jealous type, the stubborn mule and the critic, and reveals the five secrets of effective communication.
This groundbreaking book will identify the behaviours that are sabotaging your relationships and give you the tools to change.
In Feeling Good Together, renowned US psychiatrist Dr David Burns applies his successful method of cognitive interpersonal therapy to teach us how to take control of our relationships.
Building on the principles that he first introduced in Feeling Good, Burns offers innovative techniques designed to improve communication skills and shows us how to cope with different personality types, such as the big ego, the jealous type, the stubborn mule and the critic, and reveals the five secrets of effective communication.
This groundbreaking book will identify the behaviours that are sabotaging your relationships and give you the tools to change.
288 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2008
601 people are currently reading
3183 people want to read
About the author
David D. Burns
24 books639 followersDavid D. Burns is an American psychiatrist and adjunct professor emeritus in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He is the author of bestselling books such as Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, The Feeling Good Handbook and Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety.
Burns popularized Albert Ellis's and Aaron T. Beck's cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) when his books became bestsellers during the 1980s. In a January 2021 interview, Burns attributed his rise in popularity and much of his success to an appearance in 1988 on The Phil Donahue Show, to which he was invited by the producer after helping her teenage son with depression.
Burns popularized Albert Ellis's and Aaron T. Beck's cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) when his books became bestsellers during the 1980s. In a January 2021 interview, Burns attributed his rise in popularity and much of his success to an appearance in 1988 on The Phil Donahue Show, to which he was invited by the producer after helping her teenage son with depression.
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August 19, 2016
The path to intimacy is nearly always painful.
For a while now I have believed that the Life of Reading, if it isn’t to be merely a diversion or a way of stroking one’s own ego, must be a life of self-transformation. To be well-read does not only mean to be familiar with certain names and ideas, plots and quotes; more importantly, it entails the development of real changes in perspective, personality, and behavior. Thus when I recently ran into a problem in my relationship, I chose to see it as an opportunity to improve myself through reading. And since I’ve already been helped by David Burns’s Feeling Good, I turned once more to his work.
Burns begins with a simple but, for me, surprising point. Psychologists and the general public have long assumed that people experience relationship difficulties because they lack the proper interpersonal skills. They crave intimacy, but they don’t know how to achieve it. The obvious solution would be to train couples to express their feelings—to learn how to empathize and to be assertive. The problem is, despite many different techniques for doing this, couples counseling has a pretty disappointing success rate. Why is this?
The reason, says Burns, is because very often we don’t really want intimacy. There are lots of benefits of having an antagonistic relationship: you get to feel like you’re in the right, you feel powerful, you take without giving, you aren’t vulnerable, you get to complain to your friends about how mistreated you are—and this list only scratches the surface. This is the ugly side of human nature, the side of ourselves we most often don’t like to acknowledge. But coming to terms with this part of ourselves, and deciding whether we prefer the benefits of an intimate or an antagonistic relationship, is a crucial step: you’ve got to decide if you want intimacy, and if you’re willing to look at a part of yourself usually swept under the rug.
Next, Burns introduces his criteria for successful communication: empathize with your partner’s thoughts and feelings, clearly express your own feelings, and always treat your partner with respect. This sounds simple and even obvious; but when I analyzed a common interaction I had with my partner, I realized how badly I was communicating. Indeed, the more I analyzed my own interactions, the more I realized that I had been effectively shutting down communication. And when I imagined what it would be like to be on the receiving end of my words, I suddenly understood—with a pang of remorse—that it would have felt really awful.
After coming to terms with the flaws in your own behavior, Burns next teaches you skills for communicating more effectively. Conceptually, these are simple enough: understand your partner’s perspective, acknowledge their feelings, share your own feelings respectfully, give them praise, and encourage them to share more. However, doing this in the heat of battle, when both you and your partner are upset, is challenging and takes a lot of practice. The urge to blame your partner for your problems can be overwhelming; and treating someone respectfully while you’re feeling angry, hurt, or rejected can be an enormous challenge. Thus Burns has you practice with a variety of imaginary scenarios and also provides some exercises to do with a friend. The practice is the really valuable part. Everyone says they want to empathize better, but most people don’t know how and don’t take the time to learn.
That’s the book in a nutshell. Personally, I found it to be clear, persuasive, and helpful; and although I still need practice, I have found the strategies highly effective. Even if you do all the exercises, it’s a pretty quick read, yet he packs quite a lot into the book.
Of course, this book isn’t perfect. One superficial thing that bothered me was Burns’s calling his strategies “Secrets,” which unfortunately makes him sound like a cheap con artist to me. Also unfortunate was his choice to use imaginary couples for his examples, thus giving most his anecdotes a rather artificial and flavorless quality. The men and women don’t seem like real people with real problems, but soulless illustrations. Another shortcoming, it seems to me, was that Burns didn’t discuss forgiveness. Relationships require constant forgiveness, and they reach crises when one of the partners can’t decide whether to forgive or not. I’ve known many people in relationships who were wondering, after years of accumulated pain, whether it was worth forgiving the partner or if it was better to let the relationship end. Usually I don’t know what advice to give, and I'd be curious to hear Burns on the topic.
But I can’t dwell on these faults, because once again I feel an enormous debt of gratitude to Burns, for I discovered something about myself as I read. While analyzing my own ineffective behavior, I began to wonder why I had acted in such a nasty way to a loved one. Gradually, I was forced to face the fact that I got a real pleasure from acting disrespectfully. Being condescending was a way of propping up my ego and maintaining a heightened self-image.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how many of my actions, both inside and outside my relationship, were done to gratify my ego and create a certain persona. Meanwhile, this prevented me from effectively sharing my emotions or feeling close to others. I was trapped by a need to feel superior, which required constant snobbishness.
It feels odd to write these things about myself, for truly it is ignoble to be so egotistic. But I had to look deeply at this part of myself, and understand that my condescension was fueled by a deep fear of inadequacy, before I could change my behavior. This meant giving up this self-image, letting my ego die—and it’s been hard. Feeling superior to others was something I savored, and now I'm trying to give it up. But it's worth it. The compensation is being open to a new world of joys.
February 9, 2015
This is a reworked and expanded offering of the communication sections from The Feeling Good Workbook. If you've already read either of the previous Feeling Good books, but you're interested in learning how to use the communication skills better, this volume streamlines some of the previous information and adds some new exercises. The Relationship Journal technique and provided form is helpful tool in assessing your strengths and weaknesses when using the Five Skills, and using it regularly will definitely help the reader to reinforce and boost their practical application.
It's worth noting that Burns has a much more brusque attitude in this than in previous volumes. He challenges the reader to assess whether they truly want to change their relationships for the better because, as he puts it, most people aren't willing to do the work and are in fact perpetuating the relationships they want, whether they're cognizant of it or not. People like to complain, they like to get caught up in the mundane drama of their relationships, and they like the predictable squabbles and power struggles. Burns bluntly informs the reader that if they want to see changes, they're going to have to shoulder the responsibility themselves, and it's going to be hard work. You can't keep blaming your partner for everything, you have to turn the critical eye back around on yourself and take a good, hard look at your motives and your desires. What do you really want, and how much effort are you willing to exert to get it?
If you're unfamiliar with Burns' work, the skills will probably seem off-the-wall and backwards. I had to recalibrate my entire mindset about communication when I was introduced to the material, and it was something of a shock to learn how bad some of my coping mechanisms and communication strategies were. I thought I had some good ideas, and although my heart was in the right place, I was ultimately utilizing some very counterproductive techniques. It takes some time for the material to sink in, and it takes incredible self-discipline and lots of practice to make it all stick. You're not going to change yourself or your relationship overnight, but once you're made aware of the possibilities and their benefits when communicating this way, it's impossible to turn your back on them. You'll definitely slip into old habits all the time at first, but if you persist you'll start to see real change; maybe just a whisper at first, but your triumphs will stack over time and you'll gain momentum. It's hard work, but it's absolutely worth it.
My quibbles: It's clear that Burns consulted with a branding agency after the publication of The Feeling Good Workbook because what was once the Five Skills of Communication have now become the Five Secrets. I personally find this kind of gimmicky tactic annoying, off-putting, and completely unnecessary. Also, Burns uses various forms of the word bitch to describe undesirable behavior (as described by the composite case studies) from women in this book, which I don't remember seeing at all in The Feeling Good Workbook. I know most people have very few, if any, objections to the term in general but I found its inclusion jarring. You'd think a psychiatrist would be more sensitive to employing sexist terminology, but that's not the case here.
Generally speaking, any psychology or self-help book that employs the use of composite case studies to exemplify the principles or techniques runs the risk of sounding phony. Burns is especially bad about this, and so many of the examples end in magical outcomes where his patients manage to change everything for the better instantaneously by using his strategies. It inadvertently casts the material in a less than savory light because the people and the situations don't feel real. This is a shame, because the techniques in and of themselves seem reasonable and beneficial.
It's worth noting that Burns has a much more brusque attitude in this than in previous volumes. He challenges the reader to assess whether they truly want to change their relationships for the better because, as he puts it, most people aren't willing to do the work and are in fact perpetuating the relationships they want, whether they're cognizant of it or not. People like to complain, they like to get caught up in the mundane drama of their relationships, and they like the predictable squabbles and power struggles. Burns bluntly informs the reader that if they want to see changes, they're going to have to shoulder the responsibility themselves, and it's going to be hard work. You can't keep blaming your partner for everything, you have to turn the critical eye back around on yourself and take a good, hard look at your motives and your desires. What do you really want, and how much effort are you willing to exert to get it?
If you're unfamiliar with Burns' work, the skills will probably seem off-the-wall and backwards. I had to recalibrate my entire mindset about communication when I was introduced to the material, and it was something of a shock to learn how bad some of my coping mechanisms and communication strategies were. I thought I had some good ideas, and although my heart was in the right place, I was ultimately utilizing some very counterproductive techniques. It takes some time for the material to sink in, and it takes incredible self-discipline and lots of practice to make it all stick. You're not going to change yourself or your relationship overnight, but once you're made aware of the possibilities and their benefits when communicating this way, it's impossible to turn your back on them. You'll definitely slip into old habits all the time at first, but if you persist you'll start to see real change; maybe just a whisper at first, but your triumphs will stack over time and you'll gain momentum. It's hard work, but it's absolutely worth it.
My quibbles: It's clear that Burns consulted with a branding agency after the publication of The Feeling Good Workbook because what was once the Five Skills of Communication have now become the Five Secrets. I personally find this kind of gimmicky tactic annoying, off-putting, and completely unnecessary. Also, Burns uses various forms of the word bitch to describe undesirable behavior (as described by the composite case studies) from women in this book, which I don't remember seeing at all in The Feeling Good Workbook. I know most people have very few, if any, objections to the term in general but I found its inclusion jarring. You'd think a psychiatrist would be more sensitive to employing sexist terminology, but that's not the case here.
Generally speaking, any psychology or self-help book that employs the use of composite case studies to exemplify the principles or techniques runs the risk of sounding phony. Burns is especially bad about this, and so many of the examples end in magical outcomes where his patients manage to change everything for the better instantaneously by using his strategies. It inadvertently casts the material in a less than savory light because the people and the situations don't feel real. This is a shame, because the techniques in and of themselves seem reasonable and beneficial.
February 27, 2019
Whether it’s coworkers, spouses, children or bosses, all of us have those challenging people in our lives who drive us crazy, push our emotional buttons and test our patience. This book is a wonderfully pragmatic guide for reducing the conflict and developing closer relationships with the prickly people who populate our daily routine.
The book lays out five very usable steps for breaking out of a conflict cycle, then graduating to a more honest and functional relationship. Burns provides dozens of fascinating real-world conflict examples, then methodically walks us through how to most effectively deescalate that strife.
The book has a refreshingly minimal amount of psycho-babble and uses approachable language throughout. I read the audio book version and the narrator was a masterful actor.
The point that really sticks with me is the corrosive effects of defensiveness on personal relationships. Most of us have a pathological inability to admit we’re wrong. Swallowing your pride and owning up to your own failings turns out to be a little bit of magic at cooling flared tempers and nurturing strained relationships. But wow, is this ever hard to do, especially in relationships with long-standing conflicts and emotional scores to settle.
Another concept I take with me is the importance of really hearing the other person’s criticisms, then clearly showing that person you understand them. Typically, we hear a criticism, then our brain’s defensive engines go into overdrive. We stop listening and totally devote our mental energy to finding the best possible rebuttal. Next we shame the other person for the criticism they shared. Tempers flare, then it’s off to the races in a defensive emotional spiral where both parties try to best the other.
There is no such thing as “winning a fight.” Both parties lose. You have to ask yourself, is your goal to win, or is your goal to work through the conflict and get to a solution? If it’s the latter, you must grow up emotionally and strive to clearly understand the other person’s point of view. This empathy is an amazing tool for solving conflict.
I found the book to be really usable with nimble insights that will help me have better business and personal relationships.
The book lays out five very usable steps for breaking out of a conflict cycle, then graduating to a more honest and functional relationship. Burns provides dozens of fascinating real-world conflict examples, then methodically walks us through how to most effectively deescalate that strife.
The book has a refreshingly minimal amount of psycho-babble and uses approachable language throughout. I read the audio book version and the narrator was a masterful actor.
The point that really sticks with me is the corrosive effects of defensiveness on personal relationships. Most of us have a pathological inability to admit we’re wrong. Swallowing your pride and owning up to your own failings turns out to be a little bit of magic at cooling flared tempers and nurturing strained relationships. But wow, is this ever hard to do, especially in relationships with long-standing conflicts and emotional scores to settle.
Another concept I take with me is the importance of really hearing the other person’s criticisms, then clearly showing that person you understand them. Typically, we hear a criticism, then our brain’s defensive engines go into overdrive. We stop listening and totally devote our mental energy to finding the best possible rebuttal. Next we shame the other person for the criticism they shared. Tempers flare, then it’s off to the races in a defensive emotional spiral where both parties try to best the other.
There is no such thing as “winning a fight.” Both parties lose. You have to ask yourself, is your goal to win, or is your goal to work through the conflict and get to a solution? If it’s the latter, you must grow up emotionally and strive to clearly understand the other person’s point of view. This empathy is an amazing tool for solving conflict.
I found the book to be really usable with nimble insights that will help me have better business and personal relationships.
March 16, 2017
I waited for this audio book for quite some time in a queue in my library and I glad that, when the title became available to me, I put all other readings on hold and focused on digesting the author’s messages thoroughly. I am ordering this book in a paper format now and also a complementary workbook. I’ve known about efficiency of cognitive behavioral therapy since I read Dr. David Burns’s bestselling book “Feeling Good” 12 years ago. I have never mastered techniques Dr. Burns suggested, though (because, I am sure, I never took time to patently practice, record feedback, target more ambitious goals and practice again….). I am re-inspired now and will try to maintain this enthusiasm by reading once in a while other books on this topic (and, of course, all future ones by Dr. Burns) and displaying those paper materials I am ordering in strategic places in my house.
January 10, 2018
Really helpful tips and exercises in here. A great read for anyone who wants to improve their relationships and be a better human.
September 18, 2016
Despite the big title, this book offers many good pieces of advice. I really appreciate the honesty of the author working as psychotherapists: there are general rules to improve troubled relationships, but also be aware of extremely hard cases.
The general rules are: genuine empathy & respect for others people, courage to open one's own feelings and work hard to improve relationships. The author discussed his 5 techniques when dealing with people. From my experience, it really works as i often watched my grandpa did it with difficult, narcissistic, manipulative, abusive people. It is some kind of wisdom from older people which i did not fully understand as a kid.
This book certainly can not help much with the development of kindness, respect for humanity (all the grand stuffs) but it does a good job not falling on shallow technique of pop self-help.
Highly recommended.
The general rules are: genuine empathy & respect for others people, courage to open one's own feelings and work hard to improve relationships. The author discussed his 5 techniques when dealing with people. From my experience, it really works as i often watched my grandpa did it with difficult, narcissistic, manipulative, abusive people. It is some kind of wisdom from older people which i did not fully understand as a kid.
This book certainly can not help much with the development of kindness, respect for humanity (all the grand stuffs) but it does a good job not falling on shallow technique of pop self-help.
Highly recommended.
February 2, 2018
A good communication book, good strategies, but a lot was lost in over-analysis. Although some of it was helpful, it was complicated. I could see it working if both parties involved were willing to work on communicating effectively and learning techniques to improve. I don't see it working as well one-sided.
Many of the author's rewritten "correctly" modeled conversation examples felt stilted and robotic. People are human--I don't know anyone who talks in the ways he describes, not even therapists.
I read the first 170 pages fairly quickly, but lost interest as the book became bogged down with details and analysis, for example after example. I returned months later to finish the book, and, meh, it just wasn't working for me anymore.
Many of the author's rewritten "correctly" modeled conversation examples felt stilted and robotic. People are human--I don't know anyone who talks in the ways he describes, not even therapists.
I read the first 170 pages fairly quickly, but lost interest as the book became bogged down with details and analysis, for example after example. I returned months later to finish the book, and, meh, it just wasn't working for me anymore.
December 30, 2022
This book is full of practical tips that help you get along with others. This was a thought-provoking read and I would recommend it to anyone, even people who are not in a relationship. You'll learn about typical issues and patterns that lead to those issues. Once you know them, you can try to avoid them.
I especially recommend it to those who find themselves in troubled relationships.
NOTE: the book is derived from the author's experience and lots of readers can resonate with it. However, this is not experimentally verified research that went into peer-reviewed papers, etc.
Raw notes
--------
# ch1 why can't we just get along?
- deficit theory - we don't know how
- motivational theory - we don't want to: the battle is rewarding
-
A bias kicks in - if you think that someone is a jerk, you treat them as you treat a jerk, and they'll respond accordingly, thus confirming your prediction.
~~Cognitive therapy tries to change the way you perceive things~~.
Thought experiment:
- imagine you have a happy marriage and everything is smooth
- the mafia gives you an ultimatum: either you turn your spouse into a bitch/asshole in 1 month, or we kill you
- what steps will you take to turn them into a bitch/asshole?
- you will see that in practice you're already doing these things regularly
Thought experiment
- imagine a person you don't like, a person you always have tensions with, some sort of an enemy-colleague/friend/neighbor
- imagine you can press a button that will magically turn the relationship into a good one
- would you _want_ to press it?
His point is that most of us don't want to press it. There is something in us, which makes us want an element of tension in life - the dark side of humanity
Things that compete with love
- power and control
- revenge
- justice and fairness
- narcissism
- pride and shame
- scapegoating
- truth
- blame
- self-pity
- anger and bitterness
- competition
- hidden agenda
Tool: ask yourself what you want more, [some] of thr rewards above, or the reward of a good, loving relationship?
Ingredients for good communication
- ability to express your feelings openly and directly
- listen non-defensively
- treat your partner with respect
Story about a couple:
- she argued he is a cold, emotionless being, that has been holding her back for the past 30 years (the cold-fish accountant)
- doc invited the husband to a joint therapy session and suggested
- she talks about her point of view, he listens
- then he summarizes what he heard, in his own words
- then they swap roles
- she spoke, he summarized well -> we know she can talk openly and he can listen well
- when switching roles, he articulated his points, or at least tried to; she kept interrupting, arguing back, denying, etc. - > he can also talk openly, but she cannot listen
# cip Cognitive interpersonal therapy
Key ingredients
1. We provoke and maintain the same issues we complain about, but regard ourselves as victims
2. We deny our own role in the problem, blaming it all on the other person instead
3. We all have far more power than we think, so it is possible to resolve everything
**Rsat** relationship satisfaction test - > tantor.com keyword feeling
- score: worst 0..42 best
- do this with your partner and discuss the discrepancies, if any
- do this regularly, to monitor the dynamic
When think about the desired changes in the relationship, think about what you really want
1. Maintain the status quo
2. End the relationship
3. Make it better
If you want to make it better, by what means?
- wait for them to change
- actively change them
- change yourself (this is, realistically, the main thing in your power)
What factors influence the quality of a relationship? Analysis of their data, performed on a mainframe computer :-)
Things that didn't matter
- age
- education and religion
- presence/count of children
- duration of the relationship
Things that matter
- blaming other people (partner, or even externals), this attitude makes a very negative contribution, making one feel angry, frustrated and dissatisfied with the relationship
- people who had blame in their routine got even lower RSAT scores 3months later.
- people who take the "I take responsibility" approach, and those who commit to making the relationship better - >succeed in doing so
So, it boils down to - **do you blame your partner for the issues in the relationship?** If you say yes, I don't have good news for you.
Should you blame yourself? No, self-blame can trigger depression.
Tool: Relationship journal
1. Write down what one person said to you
2. And your exact response
3. Good /bad comm - > was your response an example of good comm or bad comm? Why?
4. Consequences, did your reply improve the situation, or exacerbate the problem? Why?
5. Revised response: what could you have said better at step #2?
Note: **actually write** these things!
Good comm, EAR:
- empathy, skillful listening
- assertiveness: ability to express your point clearly
- respect, caring
Bad communication has none of these components (-:
Always make sure you understand your role in the problem, there's always a role for you too! (if not in the problem, then definitely in the solution)
Story about the man who didn't want the session because "you're too young to be my doctor" - > "remember that you were right, and I was wrong".
- Disarming technique: find some truth in what the person is saying, even if it is a stretch
- empathy: put yourself in their shoes and see the world with their eyes
- thought empathy (te): paraphrase their words
- feeling empathy (fe): acknowledge how they feel
- inquiry (in): ask gentle probing questions, to elicit more data about their inner state
- self-expression skills and "I feel X" statements instead of "you X" ones (i. e., not "you're making me angry")
- stroking (st): find something good to say to them, even if you feel very hostile towards them right now.
The law of opposites: the moment you try to disprove something in a heated argument, you prove to your interlocutor that their criticism is valid. If you "flip the polarity" , they're proven wrong and they see you in a different light.
Don't let **pride** get in your way. Also, don't let **fear** do it either. Don't let **truth** get in the way either (-:
# ch14 empathy
Thought empathy - understand what they think
Feeling empathy - understand how they feel
Good tools for thought empathy: in a conversation, summarize their statements in your words and ask them for feedback - did I get it right? Did you mean X? Etc.
Feeling empathy - when doing the double-checking above, also ask "does that make you feel x?", thus giving them a chance to either correct you or confirm your guess.
# ch15 inquiry
- Did I get that right? Paraphrase, don't parrot.
- What do you think about it? How would you approach it?
Watch out for **premature problem solving** -> sometimes people just need to vent. If you give it a "how can we solve this problem" spin, then you can inadvertently escalate the situation. Especially when you make it sound like it is their problem ;-)
# ch16 how to talk so people will listen
"I feel X" statements help the listener know for sure, because they don't have to guess.
Watch out for camouflaged "you" statements, like: "I feel like you're making me angry" or "I feel like you are a jerk" :-)
Don't expect people to read your mind, tell them. (mom's mistake)
# ch17 stroking
- "I - it" relationship, the other is treated like an object to be exploited (example: some men treating women as objects)
- "I - thou", the other is a fellow person that deserves respect
Example of traps:
- why should I be nice to him? He doesn't deserve it!
- I'm too angry to be nice to her!
- I can't think of anything positive to say about him, he really is a jerk!
- why should I be nice to him, after everything he said to me?
This is not a good attitude, you have to treat them with respect if you want things to work out.
Positive examples:
- complement them about something they do well or you like about them
- express your feelings with non-insulting language
- use body language to express care and warmth (as opposed to frowning, shaking your head, etc.)
- frame their motives in a positive light
-
You don't **have to** treat people with respect, but it furthers your own agenda if you do so.
Exercise: make it a habit to compliment other people :-)
When you have to deliver bad news or negative feedback, if you treat people with kindness and ensure you don't hurt/humiliate them - you can get away with saying almost anything.
They will be less likely to get defensive, or dismiss your comments because they think that you are a jerk.
# ch18 putting it all together
## Dealing with complainers
- they _don't need advice_, they just want to be **listened** to (not necessarily understood, though that would help :)
- use the disarming technique, this usually stops their wave of complaints
This also works with narcissists. They want attention - give them some. Stroking is usually the most effective technique for handling them.
Note: you **don't have to** do this, if you are not interested in maintaining a meaningful relationship with this person. Just **lower your expectations** and move on, so there won't be a need to dance around them.
## Dealing with lazy and stubborn people
Consider that you are a part of the problem. If you keep nagging them to do X, they are less enthusiastic about doing X, and they punish you by not doing it. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
How to motivate them?
- share your feelings about it, so they see the impact of their actions/inactions without being judged or otherwise attacked
# sharpening your skills
Role-play with a partner and try these techniques in practice. The gained experience will help you process dialogues in real time in the future, so you can defuse the situation without having to say "let me grab a pen and a paper to write it all down" first.
# common traps
## thought empathy errors
- failing to find something good or true in the peer's point of view
- you might feel an urge to get defensive
- thus confirming their point of view about you
- agreeing, but in a patronizing way. Example: "I can see how it might feel like that" or "I can see how it might seem that way from your perspective".
- agreeing, but superficially.
- "yes, but". But makes you defensive. "Stay off your but"
## feeling empathy errors
- keep using the same constructions over and over, like "what you seem to be saying is X"
- just repeating back what they say, without sharing your own feelings or views. Like a parrot.
- fear of negative emotions - the misguided idea that someone needs to be happy all the time
- criticizing, instead of acknowledging how the other person feels
- telling people how they feel, instead of doing it in a suggestive way. Example: "you feel upset" vs "you might be upset" or "I think you are upset, but I'm not sure, can you tell me more... ". The thing is that sometimes people really don't feel the way you think they do, which might exacerbate the situation.
## inquiry errors
- helping and problem-solving: asking "how can we solve this problem?" - > they just want someone to listen
- stereotypical responses, like "tell me more..."
- asking sarcastic or adversarial questions, like "what did you expect me to do?"
- apologize
## common "I feel x" errors
- criticizing instead of sharing feelings
- talking on and on about yourself, instead of listening to them
- active and passive aggression
- disclosure phobia, fear of sharing their own feelings
# on helping and solving problems
Consider that very often people just want someone to listen to them.
Also, it could be the case that you like to see yourself in the role of a helper/adviser, therefore creating a codependency.
**Listening without helping is sometimes the most helpful thing you can do**.
# conflict phobia
Sometimes avoiding a conflict is not a good thing to do. If someone is very angry, failing to acknowledge that might exacerbate the problem.
When acknowledging it, don't do it in a patronizing way.
Angerohobia.
# apologies
An apology can sometimes be perceived as a way to make the person shut up, so you don't have to listen to them anymore.
If you apologize, it has to be genuine.
# other points
- crusaders for truth - this can be counter-productive, if your main objective is to prove them wrong.
Self-defeating beliefs
- negative thoughts about other people. Ask yourself
- what do these thoughts tell me about the person I am?
- what do these thoughts tell me about the kind of person they are?
- what do these thoughts tell me about the relationship we have?
-
# advanced techniques
- change focus: point out that "the game we're playing isn't right", that is, change the focus on the dialogue itself. When you reach an impasse - don't blame the other person, just point out that there is an impasse.
- positive reframing - his example about someone in the audience who was always asking challenging questions about edge cases. Instead of perceiving that person as an annoyance - point out that they're asking the right questions, and contribute to the scientific process.
- multiple choice empathy - you might be feeling x, y, or z right now...
I especially recommend it to those who find themselves in troubled relationships.
NOTE: the book is derived from the author's experience and lots of readers can resonate with it. However, this is not experimentally verified research that went into peer-reviewed papers, etc.
Raw notes
--------
# ch1 why can't we just get along?
- deficit theory - we don't know how
- motivational theory - we don't want to: the battle is rewarding
-
A bias kicks in - if you think that someone is a jerk, you treat them as you treat a jerk, and they'll respond accordingly, thus confirming your prediction.
~~Cognitive therapy tries to change the way you perceive things~~.
Thought experiment:
- imagine you have a happy marriage and everything is smooth
- the mafia gives you an ultimatum: either you turn your spouse into a bitch/asshole in 1 month, or we kill you
- what steps will you take to turn them into a bitch/asshole?
- you will see that in practice you're already doing these things regularly
Thought experiment
- imagine a person you don't like, a person you always have tensions with, some sort of an enemy-colleague/friend/neighbor
- imagine you can press a button that will magically turn the relationship into a good one
- would you _want_ to press it?
His point is that most of us don't want to press it. There is something in us, which makes us want an element of tension in life - the dark side of humanity
Things that compete with love
- power and control
- revenge
- justice and fairness
- narcissism
- pride and shame
- scapegoating
- truth
- blame
- self-pity
- anger and bitterness
- competition
- hidden agenda
Tool: ask yourself what you want more, [some] of thr rewards above, or the reward of a good, loving relationship?
Ingredients for good communication
- ability to express your feelings openly and directly
- listen non-defensively
- treat your partner with respect
Story about a couple:
- she argued he is a cold, emotionless being, that has been holding her back for the past 30 years (the cold-fish accountant)
- doc invited the husband to a joint therapy session and suggested
- she talks about her point of view, he listens
- then he summarizes what he heard, in his own words
- then they swap roles
- she spoke, he summarized well -> we know she can talk openly and he can listen well
- when switching roles, he articulated his points, or at least tried to; she kept interrupting, arguing back, denying, etc. - > he can also talk openly, but she cannot listen
# cip Cognitive interpersonal therapy
Key ingredients
1. We provoke and maintain the same issues we complain about, but regard ourselves as victims
2. We deny our own role in the problem, blaming it all on the other person instead
3. We all have far more power than we think, so it is possible to resolve everything
**Rsat** relationship satisfaction test - > tantor.com keyword feeling
- score: worst 0..42 best
- do this with your partner and discuss the discrepancies, if any
- do this regularly, to monitor the dynamic
When think about the desired changes in the relationship, think about what you really want
1. Maintain the status quo
2. End the relationship
3. Make it better
If you want to make it better, by what means?
- wait for them to change
- actively change them
- change yourself (this is, realistically, the main thing in your power)
What factors influence the quality of a relationship? Analysis of their data, performed on a mainframe computer :-)
Things that didn't matter
- age
- education and religion
- presence/count of children
- duration of the relationship
Things that matter
- blaming other people (partner, or even externals), this attitude makes a very negative contribution, making one feel angry, frustrated and dissatisfied with the relationship
- people who had blame in their routine got even lower RSAT scores 3months later.
- people who take the "I take responsibility" approach, and those who commit to making the relationship better - >succeed in doing so
So, it boils down to - **do you blame your partner for the issues in the relationship?** If you say yes, I don't have good news for you.
Should you blame yourself? No, self-blame can trigger depression.
Tool: Relationship journal
1. Write down what one person said to you
2. And your exact response
3. Good /bad comm - > was your response an example of good comm or bad comm? Why?
4. Consequences, did your reply improve the situation, or exacerbate the problem? Why?
5. Revised response: what could you have said better at step #2?
Note: **actually write** these things!
Good comm, EAR:
- empathy, skillful listening
- assertiveness: ability to express your point clearly
- respect, caring
Bad communication has none of these components (-:
Always make sure you understand your role in the problem, there's always a role for you too! (if not in the problem, then definitely in the solution)
Story about the man who didn't want the session because "you're too young to be my doctor" - > "remember that you were right, and I was wrong".
- Disarming technique: find some truth in what the person is saying, even if it is a stretch
- empathy: put yourself in their shoes and see the world with their eyes
- thought empathy (te): paraphrase their words
- feeling empathy (fe): acknowledge how they feel
- inquiry (in): ask gentle probing questions, to elicit more data about their inner state
- self-expression skills and "I feel X" statements instead of "you X" ones (i. e., not "you're making me angry")
- stroking (st): find something good to say to them, even if you feel very hostile towards them right now.
The law of opposites: the moment you try to disprove something in a heated argument, you prove to your interlocutor that their criticism is valid. If you "flip the polarity" , they're proven wrong and they see you in a different light.
Don't let **pride** get in your way. Also, don't let **fear** do it either. Don't let **truth** get in the way either (-:
# ch14 empathy
Thought empathy - understand what they think
Feeling empathy - understand how they feel
Good tools for thought empathy: in a conversation, summarize their statements in your words and ask them for feedback - did I get it right? Did you mean X? Etc.
Feeling empathy - when doing the double-checking above, also ask "does that make you feel x?", thus giving them a chance to either correct you or confirm your guess.
# ch15 inquiry
- Did I get that right? Paraphrase, don't parrot.
- What do you think about it? How would you approach it?
Watch out for **premature problem solving** -> sometimes people just need to vent. If you give it a "how can we solve this problem" spin, then you can inadvertently escalate the situation. Especially when you make it sound like it is their problem ;-)
# ch16 how to talk so people will listen
"I feel X" statements help the listener know for sure, because they don't have to guess.
Watch out for camouflaged "you" statements, like: "I feel like you're making me angry" or "I feel like you are a jerk" :-)
Don't expect people to read your mind, tell them. (mom's mistake)
# ch17 stroking
- "I - it" relationship, the other is treated like an object to be exploited (example: some men treating women as objects)
- "I - thou", the other is a fellow person that deserves respect
Example of traps:
- why should I be nice to him? He doesn't deserve it!
- I'm too angry to be nice to her!
- I can't think of anything positive to say about him, he really is a jerk!
- why should I be nice to him, after everything he said to me?
This is not a good attitude, you have to treat them with respect if you want things to work out.
Positive examples:
- complement them about something they do well or you like about them
- express your feelings with non-insulting language
- use body language to express care and warmth (as opposed to frowning, shaking your head, etc.)
- frame their motives in a positive light
-
You don't **have to** treat people with respect, but it furthers your own agenda if you do so.
Exercise: make it a habit to compliment other people :-)
When you have to deliver bad news or negative feedback, if you treat people with kindness and ensure you don't hurt/humiliate them - you can get away with saying almost anything.
They will be less likely to get defensive, or dismiss your comments because they think that you are a jerk.
# ch18 putting it all together
## Dealing with complainers
- they _don't need advice_, they just want to be **listened** to (not necessarily understood, though that would help :)
- use the disarming technique, this usually stops their wave of complaints
This also works with narcissists. They want attention - give them some. Stroking is usually the most effective technique for handling them.
Note: you **don't have to** do this, if you are not interested in maintaining a meaningful relationship with this person. Just **lower your expectations** and move on, so there won't be a need to dance around them.
## Dealing with lazy and stubborn people
Consider that you are a part of the problem. If you keep nagging them to do X, they are less enthusiastic about doing X, and they punish you by not doing it. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
How to motivate them?
- share your feelings about it, so they see the impact of their actions/inactions without being judged or otherwise attacked
# sharpening your skills
Role-play with a partner and try these techniques in practice. The gained experience will help you process dialogues in real time in the future, so you can defuse the situation without having to say "let me grab a pen and a paper to write it all down" first.
# common traps
## thought empathy errors
- failing to find something good or true in the peer's point of view
- you might feel an urge to get defensive
- thus confirming their point of view about you
- agreeing, but in a patronizing way. Example: "I can see how it might feel like that" or "I can see how it might seem that way from your perspective".
- agreeing, but superficially.
- "yes, but". But makes you defensive. "Stay off your but"
## feeling empathy errors
- keep using the same constructions over and over, like "what you seem to be saying is X"
- just repeating back what they say, without sharing your own feelings or views. Like a parrot.
- fear of negative emotions - the misguided idea that someone needs to be happy all the time
- criticizing, instead of acknowledging how the other person feels
- telling people how they feel, instead of doing it in a suggestive way. Example: "you feel upset" vs "you might be upset" or "I think you are upset, but I'm not sure, can you tell me more... ". The thing is that sometimes people really don't feel the way you think they do, which might exacerbate the situation.
## inquiry errors
- helping and problem-solving: asking "how can we solve this problem?" - > they just want someone to listen
- stereotypical responses, like "tell me more..."
- asking sarcastic or adversarial questions, like "what did you expect me to do?"
- apologize
## common "I feel x" errors
- criticizing instead of sharing feelings
- talking on and on about yourself, instead of listening to them
- active and passive aggression
- disclosure phobia, fear of sharing their own feelings
# on helping and solving problems
Consider that very often people just want someone to listen to them.
Also, it could be the case that you like to see yourself in the role of a helper/adviser, therefore creating a codependency.
**Listening without helping is sometimes the most helpful thing you can do**.
# conflict phobia
Sometimes avoiding a conflict is not a good thing to do. If someone is very angry, failing to acknowledge that might exacerbate the problem.
When acknowledging it, don't do it in a patronizing way.
Angerohobia.
# apologies
An apology can sometimes be perceived as a way to make the person shut up, so you don't have to listen to them anymore.
If you apologize, it has to be genuine.
# other points
- crusaders for truth - this can be counter-productive, if your main objective is to prove them wrong.
Self-defeating beliefs
- negative thoughts about other people. Ask yourself
- what do these thoughts tell me about the person I am?
- what do these thoughts tell me about the kind of person they are?
- what do these thoughts tell me about the relationship we have?
-
# advanced techniques
- change focus: point out that "the game we're playing isn't right", that is, change the focus on the dialogue itself. When you reach an impasse - don't blame the other person, just point out that there is an impasse.
- positive reframing - his example about someone in the audience who was always asking challenging questions about edge cases. Instead of perceiving that person as an annoyance - point out that they're asking the right questions, and contribute to the scientific process.
- multiple choice empathy - you might be feeling x, y, or z right now...
Read
August 4, 2011Much like Mindless Eating, this is one book that probably every American should read. Most people have communication issues that the techniques in this book can help you overcome by pulling you out of your automatic responses, acknowledging the truth in what the other person is telling you and then finding the path forward together.
Knowing and acknowledging that you can only control your actions is really the key to fixing a lot of things in life. Dr. Burns uses it extensively. Highly recommended.
Knowing and acknowledging that you can only control your actions is really the key to fixing a lot of things in life. Dr. Burns uses it extensively. Highly recommended.
March 21, 2013
First off, I already have a great relationship with my wife. This book so is really good at showing you how to work with all types of relationships. Unlike other ones I have read it gives you realistic and simple tools to improve your communications. It also directly addresses common challenges and common types of personalities and how to deal with them.
Make no mistake though, it like pretty much all other books I've read on the subject, all indicate the only thing you can do is change your interactions which then you'll have a different impact and response on others you interact with.
Make no mistake though, it like pretty much all other books I've read on the subject, all indicate the only thing you can do is change your interactions which then you'll have a different impact and response on others you interact with.
May 20, 2010
This is THE best communication book I've ever come across. Don't take the title too literally- it can be useful with any relationship, not just a spouse. If you're having trouble getting closer to someone you want a more meaningful relationship with [spouse, sibling, parent, friend, coworker:] then this is an EXCELLENT book to read. He tells you how YOU are doing things wrong- which is something you can actually fix [everyone knows you can't change other people, just yourself!:]
January 1, 2022
This has some great reminders for how to effectively communicate with the people that you care about. Of course, it is another matter to actually put them into practice, but the core information is great.
September 20, 2017
It has many valid ideas, I think, but you have to sift through a lot of self-help type of speech to get at it. To me, this was quite the effort!
July 11, 2017
A must read if you want to work on any relationship. It's amazing the techniques you will learn to deal with your spouse, boss or siblings. I was very impressed with the methods used especially EAR. Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect. The writer is an expert on personal relationship and how to get the most out of each encounter.
August 18, 2021
This book takes all of the awesomeness of Feeling Good (thoughts make feelings and distortions in those thoughts can make us feel bad...we can change that by removing the distortions) and applies it to relationships. It also takes the powerful stance that if you want relationships to improve you have to change, because you only have control over one factor in the relationship: you. He addresses this with a hard line, while also being sensitive to abusive situations etc. It was a very insightful reading. Thought provoking, and worth a revisit soon.
Read
November 7, 2025Kind of rudimentary, but I think that's actually perfect for this subject matter.
Any current/aspiring leaders or anyone struggling in any relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc), this is potentially the help you've been seeking to help understand the people around you.
Any current/aspiring leaders or anyone struggling in any relationships (family, friends, coworkers, etc), this is potentially the help you've been seeking to help understand the people around you.
September 11, 2019
Dr Burns has given real life examples on how to deal with relationship problems. Although some of the techniques are not acceptable in all cultures; still there are a lot to learn.
March 30, 2023
Luin suomeksi. 3,5 tähteä.
September 4, 2024
Life changing
January 11, 2025
There are no silver bullets that work for all relationships.
But this book is a great primer for anyone that wants to break their own dysfunctional patterns and have much healthier relationships with their close people.
If you can assume the responsibility for your 50% of contribution to any relationship you have this is a must read for a happier and more fulfilling life.
But this book is a great primer for anyone that wants to break their own dysfunctional patterns and have much healthier relationships with their close people.
If you can assume the responsibility for your 50% of contribution to any relationship you have this is a must read for a happier and more fulfilling life.
January 31, 2022
A lot on interesting, skillful advice about how to engage in communication with others to resolve conflict but not sufficient --imo-- clarity that other people do exist and have free will and sometimes it really is impossible for one person to make a relationship work if the other person is committed to doing something else.
I would have appreciated something like --- try this for sooo long and then say goodbye. Boundaries people.
I would have appreciated something like --- try this for sooo long and then say goodbye. Boundaries people.
November 17, 2014
This would be my third venture into David Burns territory, and with diminishing returns. Feeling Good Together is a beefed-up and perhaps more thorough rendition of the Communication section in the Feeling Good Handbook, but for some reason this book carries a more bitter tone. Burns has not quite shed his oft-inappropriately exuberant styling, but this time around there are some negative undertones or red flags.
First is the usage of utterly impossible examples to demonstrate his point; it seems that Burns' life experience with his patients and in his seminars are fantastical tales of immediate recovery, sudden realization, and complete 180s and happily-ever-after fairy tales of marriage and commitment. The hyperbole with which these stories are told - and the weird assumption that somehow I'm supposed to read them as fact, not hypothetical - is very off-putting if not condescending. I feel more balanced examples over a longer-term narrative of a relationship would be more realistic. At the moment the stories of these exampled relationships are abandoned at the point of short-term relief, not long-term utility.
The second problem is in how one could construe the first tenet of cognitive interpersonal therapy - that we often create the problems in our interpersonal relationships or should interpret ourselves as wholly (perhaps partially) responsible creates a paradigm that often sounds a little bit "victim-blamey" for my taste. Of course blame-designation is a poor way of going about orchestrating an argument, but here I think Burns mis-states his point. Sure, we only have the power to change ourselves and lead by example rather than change others or relentlessly nag; however, that point got lost in example after example of toxic relationships being made to seem like the person who is making the grievance must entirely change, and the rest will promptly follow suit. I'm not saying Burns is signing off on a full-blown endorsement of victim-blaming, but there are no reasonable "exceptions to the rule" mentioned to the first tenet of CIT. The third thing I suppose is how much more flippant he seems this go-round. I can't quite identify whether this is a personal bias or what-not, but some awkward attempts at profanity (not an issue in and of itself but just sounds contrived from someone whose persona is so intentionally square) and a little bit of an over-enthusiastic self-esteem can be quite a turn-off at times.
Feeling Good Together does make clear that the critiques in this book are not supposed to pertain to what you want changed in your partner; however, there will be "do's and "don'ts" that will make you resent some behavior not just of yours, but of the other person with whom you have a troubled relationship, whether it be colleague, significant other, or child. The key thing to remember is to take the information in the book not as a gauge for how other people have wronged you, or how much the wrongdoing in the past affects the status of the aforementioned relationship now. Try not to navel-gaze or peer into the past so much as look at these suggestions as prescriptions for the future. This should make it a less painful read.
Feeling Good Together is, like the other David Burns books, filled with great ideas about communication, deconstructions of stubbornness, and otherwise plenty of wisdom about how to up your game in emotional intelligence. To get to those, one has to muddle through what some may consider an off-putting persona, and have to put up with some of the cheesier pitfalls of self-help literature (e.g. the overblown examples and quick-fix anecdotes reminiscent of the unrealistic turnarounds in a well-edited daytime talk show). Tolerating those things is more than helpful, and I do recommend the book as a companion piece, but perhaps not on its own. Reading the section of the Feeling Good Handbook is a swell precursor. As someone who has taken Assertive Communication and Active Listening training - it is required by my employer, in fact - this book is a lovely re-tread for what I may already know in theory. For folks that are new to these ideas, I'd recommend that specific section of his Handbook first before diving into this. The exercises in the Handbook are terrific by comparison and it's not as implicating in its exercises, meaning that the process of self-realization can be a tough pill to swallow, and maybe doing the communication exercises in a more innocent context at first will encourage folks to see the use in it, rather than immediately associating it with introspective pain or the dredging up of painful relationship memories.
Long story short, it comes recommended but perhaps not on its own.
First is the usage of utterly impossible examples to demonstrate his point; it seems that Burns' life experience with his patients and in his seminars are fantastical tales of immediate recovery, sudden realization, and complete 180s and happily-ever-after fairy tales of marriage and commitment. The hyperbole with which these stories are told - and the weird assumption that somehow I'm supposed to read them as fact, not hypothetical - is very off-putting if not condescending. I feel more balanced examples over a longer-term narrative of a relationship would be more realistic. At the moment the stories of these exampled relationships are abandoned at the point of short-term relief, not long-term utility.
The second problem is in how one could construe the first tenet of cognitive interpersonal therapy - that we often create the problems in our interpersonal relationships or should interpret ourselves as wholly (perhaps partially) responsible creates a paradigm that often sounds a little bit "victim-blamey" for my taste. Of course blame-designation is a poor way of going about orchestrating an argument, but here I think Burns mis-states his point. Sure, we only have the power to change ourselves and lead by example rather than change others or relentlessly nag; however, that point got lost in example after example of toxic relationships being made to seem like the person who is making the grievance must entirely change, and the rest will promptly follow suit. I'm not saying Burns is signing off on a full-blown endorsement of victim-blaming, but there are no reasonable "exceptions to the rule" mentioned to the first tenet of CIT. The third thing I suppose is how much more flippant he seems this go-round. I can't quite identify whether this is a personal bias or what-not, but some awkward attempts at profanity (not an issue in and of itself but just sounds contrived from someone whose persona is so intentionally square) and a little bit of an over-enthusiastic self-esteem can be quite a turn-off at times.
Feeling Good Together does make clear that the critiques in this book are not supposed to pertain to what you want changed in your partner; however, there will be "do's and "don'ts" that will make you resent some behavior not just of yours, but of the other person with whom you have a troubled relationship, whether it be colleague, significant other, or child. The key thing to remember is to take the information in the book not as a gauge for how other people have wronged you, or how much the wrongdoing in the past affects the status of the aforementioned relationship now. Try not to navel-gaze or peer into the past so much as look at these suggestions as prescriptions for the future. This should make it a less painful read.
Feeling Good Together is, like the other David Burns books, filled with great ideas about communication, deconstructions of stubbornness, and otherwise plenty of wisdom about how to up your game in emotional intelligence. To get to those, one has to muddle through what some may consider an off-putting persona, and have to put up with some of the cheesier pitfalls of self-help literature (e.g. the overblown examples and quick-fix anecdotes reminiscent of the unrealistic turnarounds in a well-edited daytime talk show). Tolerating those things is more than helpful, and I do recommend the book as a companion piece, but perhaps not on its own. Reading the section of the Feeling Good Handbook is a swell precursor. As someone who has taken Assertive Communication and Active Listening training - it is required by my employer, in fact - this book is a lovely re-tread for what I may already know in theory. For folks that are new to these ideas, I'd recommend that specific section of his Handbook first before diving into this. The exercises in the Handbook are terrific by comparison and it's not as implicating in its exercises, meaning that the process of self-realization can be a tough pill to swallow, and maybe doing the communication exercises in a more innocent context at first will encourage folks to see the use in it, rather than immediately associating it with introspective pain or the dredging up of painful relationship memories.
Long story short, it comes recommended but perhaps not on its own.
March 24, 2022
Very informative. There were a few contradictory parts that contrasted with something said earlier on, but overall useful techniques that can be implemented now without waiting several sessions for a therapist to share the same information.
Optimize.travel.blog
Optimize.travel.blog
May 21, 2021
Okunması gerek.
August 27, 2021
Some really important insights about communicating with people to build better relationships - and about the human motivations that lead us into conflict.
The Five Secrets of Effective Communication do seem to stand up to scrutiny for me: put yourself in the other person's shoes, find some truth in what they're saying (no matter what it is), acknowledge and validate their feelings, and express your own feelings clearly, asking them to tell you more about how they feel. It was also a very practical book drawn from experience and insisting on practice (he's very pushy about telling you to do the written exercises, which I DEFINITELY WILL DO).
My issues were mainly about the phrasing of his examples (it tended to be very stilted compared to how I think people actually talk) and his sweeping injunctions to empathy and gentle language - I don't feel he quite addressed how we hold people accountable for their words that are racist, homohobic, or otherwise harmful.
A good read on communication and empathetic bridge-building.
The Five Secrets of Effective Communication do seem to stand up to scrutiny for me: put yourself in the other person's shoes, find some truth in what they're saying (no matter what it is), acknowledge and validate their feelings, and express your own feelings clearly, asking them to tell you more about how they feel. It was also a very practical book drawn from experience and insisting on practice (he's very pushy about telling you to do the written exercises, which I DEFINITELY WILL DO).
My issues were mainly about the phrasing of his examples (it tended to be very stilted compared to how I think people actually talk) and his sweeping injunctions to empathy and gentle language - I don't feel he quite addressed how we hold people accountable for their words that are racist, homohobic, or otherwise harmful.
A good read on communication and empathetic bridge-building.
September 2, 2017
My close relationships are dramatically improving.
First, David Burns' newly developed TEAM CBT therapy (as practiced by therapist Annie Hanaway) cured my 30 year depression. With that as a foundation, this book then has provided immense understanding of how to heal my most important relationship. And that is just what I plan to do. Just wow.
First, David Burns' newly developed TEAM CBT therapy (as practiced by therapist Annie Hanaway) cured my 30 year depression. With that as a foundation, this book then has provided immense understanding of how to heal my most important relationship. And that is just what I plan to do. Just wow.
January 11, 2019
This book has a lot of good information and I love that the main focus is changing yourself and figuring out how you are affecting the relationship. There’s good charts and examples throughout the book, too. It’s a quick read too. If you want to improve your communication skills this is a great read.
November 27, 2024
"However, focusing on the other person's errors won't do you any good. In fact, the more you try to blame or change another person, the harder they'll fight and resist you. But if Hannah accepts the fact that she can't change Hal, and focuses instead on changing herself, he will change. He'll change at the exact moment that she changes. This is a paradox. We change other people every time we interact with them - but we're just not aware of it."
"In a sense, we're always looking at our own attitudes and expectations reflected in the faces and behaviors of the people we interact with. We're constantly creating our own interpersonal reality, but we don't realize that we're doing this. And if you don't know that this is going on, and you're not consciously aware of the impact of your attitudes and expectations on other people, the same patterns will keep repeating themselves over and over."
I think those two quotes sum up the idea and the valuable nuggets from this book pretty well. Feeling Good Together empowers people to take responsibility for their own actions in order to improve their relationships by ending unhealthy and divisive cycles of behaviour. I think there are some general valuable insights that I can take away about reframing how I view interactions with others and trying to be better about acknowledging other people's feelings, showing empathy, while also asserting my own feelings and needs. But I don't think I could realistically follow Burns' advice too closely.
Burns emphasizes that when reducing conflicts, it's important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, find truth in their criticisms, and "stroke" their ego without being phony. However, I found all of the sample responses he modeled to sound extremely phony and contrived. If someone I know tried to speak to me in that way, I would feel like they were trying to manage and manipulate me and would think they were being patronizing. I don't think it would help the situation! Yet, in all of Burns anecdotes, somehow everybody ends up changing their mind and getting along swimmingly right after he employs his method. I find that hard to believe.
The other thing I found frustrating was that a lot of his responses end with the phrase "can we talk about it" or "can you tell me more about what you're feeling?" but I don't think that really solves important issues. Talking out feelings in a loop won't necessarily solve the roots of the problems, depending on the situation or people involved. While Burns empowers people to fix their relationships, the truth is that both parties need to be committed to being respectful and empathetic for it to be healthy. While I can see the value in Burns' methods, I feel that it can be easily taken to the extreme of stroking other people's egos in order to keep the peace and coming off as manipulative and calculating, like in the story of Babette and her boss.
I'm definitely being resistant to his ideas and I didn't do any of the writing exercises. I really am only willing to take some aspects into consideration, but as he said, I'm not willing to be the "enlightened" person who takes all the responsibility.
Burns' insights on Disclosure Phobia were interesting, and I felt called out because the "I Feel" statements would definitely be the aspect that I struggle with the most.
"The core problem is a lack of trust - they don't trust their own feelings, and don't believe that others could love and accept them as they are." (The issue here is that many people, like me, have very valid reasons to feel that way because their feelings were used against them and they were shamed instead of validated in sharing their feelings. So that's something I'd like to work on but is very daunting).
Well I guess I'll find out if I remember any of these lessons enough to skillfully implement any learnings for improved relationships.
"In a sense, we're always looking at our own attitudes and expectations reflected in the faces and behaviors of the people we interact with. We're constantly creating our own interpersonal reality, but we don't realize that we're doing this. And if you don't know that this is going on, and you're not consciously aware of the impact of your attitudes and expectations on other people, the same patterns will keep repeating themselves over and over."
I think those two quotes sum up the idea and the valuable nuggets from this book pretty well. Feeling Good Together empowers people to take responsibility for their own actions in order to improve their relationships by ending unhealthy and divisive cycles of behaviour. I think there are some general valuable insights that I can take away about reframing how I view interactions with others and trying to be better about acknowledging other people's feelings, showing empathy, while also asserting my own feelings and needs. But I don't think I could realistically follow Burns' advice too closely.
Burns emphasizes that when reducing conflicts, it's important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, find truth in their criticisms, and "stroke" their ego without being phony. However, I found all of the sample responses he modeled to sound extremely phony and contrived. If someone I know tried to speak to me in that way, I would feel like they were trying to manage and manipulate me and would think they were being patronizing. I don't think it would help the situation! Yet, in all of Burns anecdotes, somehow everybody ends up changing their mind and getting along swimmingly right after he employs his method. I find that hard to believe.
The other thing I found frustrating was that a lot of his responses end with the phrase "can we talk about it" or "can you tell me more about what you're feeling?" but I don't think that really solves important issues. Talking out feelings in a loop won't necessarily solve the roots of the problems, depending on the situation or people involved. While Burns empowers people to fix their relationships, the truth is that both parties need to be committed to being respectful and empathetic for it to be healthy. While I can see the value in Burns' methods, I feel that it can be easily taken to the extreme of stroking other people's egos in order to keep the peace and coming off as manipulative and calculating, like in the story of Babette and her boss.
I'm definitely being resistant to his ideas and I didn't do any of the writing exercises. I really am only willing to take some aspects into consideration, but as he said, I'm not willing to be the "enlightened" person who takes all the responsibility.
Burns' insights on Disclosure Phobia were interesting, and I felt called out because the "I Feel" statements would definitely be the aspect that I struggle with the most.
"The core problem is a lack of trust - they don't trust their own feelings, and don't believe that others could love and accept them as they are." (The issue here is that many people, like me, have very valid reasons to feel that way because their feelings were used against them and they were shamed instead of validated in sharing their feelings. So that's something I'd like to work on but is very daunting).
Well I guess I'll find out if I remember any of these lessons enough to skillfully implement any learnings for improved relationships.
January 4, 2023
The book seems like it will help me a lot in organizing relationships with my friends and family I don't think it will help me in my relationship eith my boyfriend or husband.Because I'm not in a relationship.I wish I had a relationship.
Sadece kendinizi değiştirebilirsiniz,sadece kendinizi kontrol edebilirsiniz.Başka birinin değişmeyi istemesi ve sizin istediğiniz şeyleri yapması için yapabileceğiniz hiçbir şey yok! Yapabileceğiniz tek şey kendinizi değiştirmek.Ama siz davranışınızı değiştirmeye başladığınız zaman mucizevi bir şey olur.Karşınızdaki kişinin değişmesini hızlandırırsınız ve birdenbire işler daha iyi olur.Bu size çok güçlü bir his verir ve öfke ve incinmişlik duygularınızla daha rahat baş edebilirsiniz.Soruna karşınızdaki kişinin bakış açısıyla bakmaya başlayabilirsiniz ve onun söylemeye çalıştıklarını duyabilirsiniz.Siz böyle yaptığınızda o da birdenbire sizin duygularınızla ilgilenmeye ve sizin bakış açınızı görmeye başlar.Kimin duygularının doğru ya da yanlış olduğu hiç fark etmez.You can only change yourself,you can only control youself.There is nothing you can do to make anyone else want to change and do what you want the only thing you can do is change yourself.But when you start to change your behaviour something miraculaus happens.You accelerate the change of the other person and things suddenly get better.This gives you a very strong feeling and you can deal with your anger and hurt feelings more easily.You can start to look from his point of wiev and you can hear what he is trying to say when you do that,he suddenly starts to take an interest in your feelings and seeyour point of view.
Sadece kendinizi değiştirebilirsiniz,sadece kendinizi kontrol edebilirsiniz.Başka birinin değişmeyi istemesi ve sizin istediğiniz şeyleri yapması için yapabileceğiniz hiçbir şey yok! Yapabileceğiniz tek şey kendinizi değiştirmek.Ama siz davranışınızı değiştirmeye başladığınız zaman mucizevi bir şey olur.Karşınızdaki kişinin değişmesini hızlandırırsınız ve birdenbire işler daha iyi olur.Bu size çok güçlü bir his verir ve öfke ve incinmişlik duygularınızla daha rahat baş edebilirsiniz.Soruna karşınızdaki kişinin bakış açısıyla bakmaya başlayabilirsiniz ve onun söylemeye çalıştıklarını duyabilirsiniz.Siz böyle yaptığınızda o da birdenbire sizin duygularınızla ilgilenmeye ve sizin bakış açınızı görmeye başlar.Kimin duygularının doğru ya da yanlış olduğu hiç fark etmez.You can only change yourself,you can only control youself.There is nothing you can do to make anyone else want to change and do what you want the only thing you can do is change yourself.But when you start to change your behaviour something miraculaus happens.You accelerate the change of the other person and things suddenly get better.This gives you a very strong feeling and you can deal with your anger and hurt feelings more easily.You can start to look from his point of wiev and you can hear what he is trying to say when you do that,he suddenly starts to take an interest in your feelings and seeyour point of view.
September 28, 2025
David Burns has done it again! After helping over 4 million readers manage their moods and "feel good" Dr. Burns has masterfully synthesized and extended the essentials of Cognitive Therapy to help relationships thrive. Burns simply and clearly elucidates the principles of Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy and provides us with a powerful set of tools (and even a tool kit) to evaluate, repair or enhance our relationships.
Dr. Burns is a gifted thinker who is able to provide the reader with a thorough understanding of the complex principles which make relationships work and the helpful techniques that can be easily incorporated into our daily lives.
For each of the different ideas presented Burns uses numerous examples of real life situations that are easily identifiable and easily transformable. His approach is refreshing because of the no-nonsense way he approaches and solves problems that plague even the best relationships.
Although "Feeling Good Together" was first published in 2008 its content remains fresh, contemporary and extremely practical because of its comprehensive scope, its powerful ideas and its easily executable techniques.
Lay persons as well as professionals will benefit from the wisdom imparted in this book. I am certain that those readers who follow the strategies that are detailed will be able to achieve greater satisfaction and fulfillment in their relationships and feel good together.
Dr. Burns is a gifted thinker who is able to provide the reader with a thorough understanding of the complex principles which make relationships work and the helpful techniques that can be easily incorporated into our daily lives.
For each of the different ideas presented Burns uses numerous examples of real life situations that are easily identifiable and easily transformable. His approach is refreshing because of the no-nonsense way he approaches and solves problems that plague even the best relationships.
Although "Feeling Good Together" was first published in 2008 its content remains fresh, contemporary and extremely practical because of its comprehensive scope, its powerful ideas and its easily executable techniques.
Lay persons as well as professionals will benefit from the wisdom imparted in this book. I am certain that those readers who follow the strategies that are detailed will be able to achieve greater satisfaction and fulfillment in their relationships and feel good together.
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