The Post-Adoption Blues

by Karen J. Foli, John R. Thompson M.D.

Over 150,000 people adopt children each year, and more than 2 million parents are now raising adopted children and grandchildren. While the path to parenting through adoption is rich with rewards and fulfillment, it's not without its bumps. This compassionate, illuminating, and ultimately uplifting book is the first to openly recognize the very normal feelings of stress that adoptive families encounter as they cope with the challenges and expectations of their new families. Where do parents turn when the waited-for bonding with their adopted child is slow to form? When they find themselves grieving over the birth child they couldn't have? When the child they so eagerly welcomed into their home arrives with major, unexpected needs? Until now, adoptive parents have had to struggle silently with their feelings, which can range from flutters of anxiety to unbearable sadness. At last, Karen J. Foli, a registered nurse, and her husband, John R. Thompson, a psychiatrist, lift the curtain of secrecy from "Post Adoption Depression Syndrome" (PADS). Drawing on their own experience as adoptive parents as well as interviews with dozens of adoptive families and experts in the field, the couple offers parents the understanding, support, and concrete solutions they need to overcome post-adoption blues-and open their hearts to the joy adoption can bring.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Nonfiction

264 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2004

Reviews

[Matt Diephouse · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really disappointed in this book.

The authors present a lot of myths that people believe about adoption alongside stories that demonstrate that the myths aren't true. These stories are all sad and often demonstrate challenging situations. But the authors present almost no truth alongside the myths.

This book is also not focused on international adoption. It also presents some specifics of domestic and kinship adoption.

I've found many of the other books that we've read have actually equipped us for the challenges the authors present here. So I wouldn't recommend reading this since it only informs you that you might experience these challenges—with no equipping.

[Theresa Kicher · Rating 2 out of 5]

For much of this book, I felt like it was a collection of negative stories about adoption. I wished that the topics, though hard, would have been addressed in a more hopeful manner. As the book progressed, I did learn several things and the book made me think about certain aspects of adoption that I hadn't considered before.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought it would be about actual post adoption depression, like warning signs or how to minimize it if/when it happens, but that was only the last chapter or two. The majority of the book is a list of things people typically expect from adoptions, from their expectations about themselves to their families and even their adoption workers, and how the realities often are nowhere near what you expect. There are also some horror stories about people having difficulties coping.

There was a lot about kinship adoption though. I dont hear much about that, and though it wasn't helpful for me situation, it could be helpful for others.

The coping strategies were pretty vague and some felt kind of dated, though. I caught several typos throughout the book, which was frustrating.

I think the book is due for an update. There were parts mentioning ongoing research, but surely that research has netted some information by now, and would be useful for modernizing the book.

[Amy McCalla · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did like the information this book had to offer but it was very heavy. I know the subject matter is heavy but I wish it could have been lightened up a little bit sometimes.
I did appreciate the matter of fact dialogue to help get me ready for what I could be expecting through the adoption process and after.
I would recommend this book to anyone going through the adoption process.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some helpful parts, but it didn’t focus as much on the “overcoming” as I hoped it would.

[Krista Ehlers · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers a practical and reality-based approach to the myriad feelings that come along after adoption, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. They have structured each chapter around a set of expectations, how those expectations may not be realistic, and finally how to cope with those facts. For example: expectations of yourself, of your spouse, of the birthparent(s), of your adopted child, of your extended family, your social workers, society, etc. I very much appreciated that the authors were willing to speak honestly to the subject of post-adoption blues/depression. There is an expectation that once you have the child you have longed for, and waited for so long... NOW everything will go smoothly! However, they didn't just say, "Hey, that's not how it works for most people," they offered applicable advice, peppered with testimonials from real-life adoptive families. The book covers stories and suggestions for all types of adoption: open, international, kinship adoption, etc. In fact, the authors encourage us to think less of the differences between types of adoption: we have more in common than we think.

[Shannon]

Definitely an eye-opening read! A potential adoptive parent encounters dozens of books going over the process of adoption, the stages of growth from infancy through adolescence, as well as ideas for having fun and nurturing a child. This book addresses a darker and less-disclosed reality that even after the arduous process, even after the child of your dreams is in your house, there are still hurdles to be overcome. I'm glad I am aware that "post-adoption depression" is a thing! Imagine the guilt and confusion parents must have gone through wondering why they weren't happy, why they felt fatigued, once they had their child/children at home. I would recommend this book to anyone considering adoption. In no way does it discourage people from adopting, but it presents a grounded view of all aspects, better preparing parents when the time comes for their family to grow.

[Betsy Dion · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book addresses the struggles that a parent can have after adopting a child. It covers everything from the parent-child relationship not developing as expected, the intrusiveness of strangers who feel they can ask anything about your family's history, the stress of having to sell yourself as "the perfect parent," and the different treatment that adoptive parents receive compared to biological parents. It is a great resource, and will probably be even more helpful after we (hopefully) are able to adopt.

[Charly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book because it's the only one of its kind so far! It takes research from post partum and knowledge and experience from working with adoptive parents and combines it all in one place! We need more good research and evidence based practice on this field and I was so happy to have this book to educate and prevent some post adoption depression. A must read for those adoption and working in adoption.

[Trish · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was required reading for our adoption agency. There was a lot of information that I am glad I am aware of, but because of the nature of the book, post-adoption depression, it was a "downer" book. Hopefully I will not need to reference much.

[Susanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book before I adopted my first son, it would have helped me process what I was feeling. While not perfect, the book helps you understand that what you may be feeling is not "wrong" but part of the process for some.

[Jenny Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

Yeah. This book was kind of depressing. I guess I should have gotten that from the title. Things that hadn't worried about I began to think, "should I be worrying about this, too?" Maybe I would have understood it more post-adoption.

[Nicole Downs · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book focuses on three main topics: expectations of yourself as a parent, your expectations of your child. Overall, the book provides the future parents with practical knowledge, that isn't idealistic or unrealistic, that they can use post-placement. Well-organized. Very practical.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not the best written book ever, pretty choppy and a little dry, but very insightful, affirming, and useful to people walking this similar, but always unique path.

[Marianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was required reading as prep for our upcoming adoption. This book is about the reality of parenting/ adoption. Good info to tuck away for future use when needed.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well organized, useful information. Addresses not just "depression" but a wide range of expectations that might trip you up.