The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?

by Annie Chapman

Can two women love the same man and still get along? Absolutely! Annie Chapman believes that a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can become friends—even close friends. However, this connectedness often takes years to develop. Now that journey can be a joyful one! Offering practical advice and biblical wisdom, this book helps mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law nurture their relationships. Readers will learn how to dance together on topics that include— Through thoughtful ideas, real-life insights, and humor, The Mother-in-Law Dance helps mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law experience a dynamic, loving relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Personal Growth, Christian

192 pages, Paperback

First published July 1, 2004

About the author

Annie Chapman is a gifted musician and the author of several books, including Letting Go of Anger, The Mother-in-Law Dance, and Hot Topics for Couples (with her husband, Steve). Sharing the concert stage with Steve, writing books and articles, speaking at conferences, and ministering through radio and TV give Annie many opportunities to reach a wide audience for Christ. She is a graduate of Moody Bible Institute.

Reviews

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just started this book and already it's made me cry several times. As a mom to three small boys, all I think about these days is holding on to them and raising them and loving them. Do you ever think about giving them away? But this book has helped me put my mind onto the fact that I'm raising them to have their own families. After having had some leaving/cleavings issues in our family, it is incredibly important to teach your children that the families that they start are THEIR families now and their #1 priority. We will always be here to love and support each of our boys families, but when it comes down to it, they need to ensure that the families that they start will be their first priority.

[Naomi]

This was a great book. I would suggest it very much.

[Stephanie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some good info on navigating the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship. However, it's so drippy in Christianity that you almost have to dig to find any real advice about relationship; which is something given that I am a Christian. It's just too much scripture and preaching.

I actually read most of it, but not all of it for that reason. I would really rather get religion from my scriptures and not from a book about mother-in-law's.

[cinderelly007 · Rating 3 out of 5]

So much of this book is common sense, but there are some poems and pithy moments on a mother's love for her son and on the do's and don'ts for both in-laws. Mutual respect and unconditional love are the goals of any healthy relationship. These excerpts are some of the most noteworthy to me:

"Is what I’m going to say true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?"

"One mother-in-law who has practiced the power of love wrote to me and said, “We refer to our ‘in-laws’ as our ‘in-loves’ because we gained two more members of our family by them being ‘in love’ with our born children.”

"My mother-in-law loved me from the start and made me feel a part of the family." [I have the most exceptionally wonderful mother-in-love in the world. Truly, to know her is to love her!]

"Dear Daughter-in-Law, Thank you for being a haven of rest for his soul and for being that lovely 'soft place for him to land.'”

This would be a great book to read for those entering this new relationship, which is poised with a million different opportunities for offense, misunderstanding, boundary-crossing, and "unlove". Take note of the positives you want to nurture, and be mindful of those negatives you want dispatched from your life.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt like this book had no depth. It was just a bunch of stories about mothers and daughters-in-law not getting along. There was no real advice for a lot of the stories, it was just a story. It was also hard to follow at times, it didn't quite flow. The author would be talking about one thing and then jump to something else and then the chapter would end.
I truly lost all interest and respect for the book when I read the story from a woman who went home to take care of her sick father and forgot to call her in-laws to visit them. When she called to explain/apologize to the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law apparently started sobbing on the phone because she was so upset about it. But don't worry, the husband let his wife slide on this one. Like WTF?? I have no words for an asinine story like that. I know I wouldn't give a flying rats butt about my in-laws if I was worried about and taking care of my sick father.
Hopefully someone found some helpful advice from this book, I know I sure didn't.

[Nancy Jacobs · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this to EVERY mother of a married son. Annie has great advice to improve that new relationship with your daughter in law which if followed, will result in a life long friendship. Start reading at the engagement. We can so easily misstep and not even realize it.

[Tessa Cavender · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have always enjoyed reading books on how to better myself and relationships. I've been listening to marriage podcasts and this book was suggested. I thought it was well written and I enjoyed getting perspectives from a mother-in-law and I also enjoyed feeling a kindered spirit to the daughters-in-law presented. Although I think I gained a lot and there were good poems and verses that could also be applied to every relationship in life, I had expected more direct advice concerning the in-law relationship. Overall it is a good book and one I would recommend to all mother and daughters in laws alike!

[Julie Gorodetzky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an excellent read. While it mainly focused on relationships between Christian mothers in law and Christian daughters in law, the author did take a chapter to focus on the situation of being a Christian yourself, but having an unbelieving mother or daughter in law, which I especially appreciated and felt I could take the most away from. She alternates writing to both roles. The book was filled with so much insightful, practical advice. Though you will get the most out of it if you're a Christian, I recommend to any mother in law or daughter in law!

[Yvonne Reynolds · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a mother-in-law yet, but hoping I will be someday in the future. Was a bit disappointed with many of the personal stories that were shared in the book. Reinforced how our society negatively views in-law relationships. There were a few good points on building a good in-law relationship. Not a terrible book, but not one of the best I have ever read either.

[Paige Redwine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book draws upon a host of people’s experiences as in-laws. There are many cautionary tales and inspiring stories of mothers-and- daughters- in laws. Then there are basic principles to follow to help develop this new relationship.

I read this book with a friend and learned a lot.

[Ariana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is beautifully written and very rooted in scripture which is why I really enjoyed reading it. Always encouraging the reader to seek Jesus and be more like him.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Received this as a gift. Meant for the mother of a son, and her daughter-in-law. The idea, reading this will enrich the two women personal relationship. Interesting concepts, that take both parties effort to improve and embark on a meaningful relationship. It is a guide of how the first women in a husbands life needs to let go. She cannot follow biblical principles and remain as the first women.

[Kristen Gebbia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this book before I got married! Still, better late than never. =)

Probably the biggest thing that stood out to me as a daughter-in-law was this: at a wedding, the father of the bride ceremonially gives the bride away; and while the mother of the groom has to let go too, there isn't a ceremony--she just has to learn to step back. This was eye opening because I know how hard it was for my dad to give me away; and while my mother-in-law has done an AMAZING job stepping back, it gave me more respect for her role in our family and the struggles I'm sure she had in letting her son go. (And that is one of the main themes in the book; respecting the roles each in-law plays)

The book beautifully draws the analogy of an in-law relationship being like a dance. You may not get to choose your partner, you're probably going to step on each other's toes as you learn together, sometimes the dance floor gets crowded and boundaries need to be set, and sometimes you may even hear a different beat, but all those bridges can be crossed and, in time and with understanding, the in-law dance can be made lovely and even enjoyable.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

At last someone broaches the topic from a Christian standpoint. Wish I had had this while my mother-in-law was still alive. Even though she rejected her son often, she still didn't think I was good enough. It helped resolve some stuff for me.

There is a Chinese proverb about a daughter-in-law who was suffering miserably under the thumb of a vindictive mother-in-law. Finally she was so distraught she went to an apothecary for some rat poison to rid herself of the old hag. The man wisely understood the problem, quickly gave her a potion and said, “You must put this in her food every day for a month, but in order for no one to suspect, it would be wise to treat your mother-in-law with the greatest respect. Answer her with kindness, do immediately as she asks, speak to her in soft words. The deed will be done in 30 days; you will no longer have the mother-in-law you detest. The young lady hurried home, a great burden lifted from her.

She did exactly as the apothecary prescribed, but the closer to the 30 days it came, the more she began to love her mother-in-law. Why, she was a changed individual! As the time drew to a close, she deeply regretted her despicable idea to kill her, and so returned to see if there might be an antidote. In tears she explained her situation. The man addressed her kindly. The poison of words had been murdering both of them. What he had prepared for her was water, and the elixir of human kindness.

[author may have used this illustration in her book]

[Becki · Rating 2 out of 5]

Synopsis from B&N: Can two women love the same man and still get along? Absolutely! Annie Chapman believes that a mother�in�law and daughter�in�law can become friends�even close friends. However, this connectedness often takes years to develop. Now that journey can be a joyful one! Offering practical advice and biblical wisdom, this book helps mothers�in�law and daughters�in�law nurture their relationships. \nAnyone who knows me knows that I seek information for all sorts of things from books. And that I�m always trying to improve every area and relationship in my life. (It�s the bit of perfectionist in me). So when I came across this book in a blog I figured Why not read it? I don�t have a bad relationship with my MIL. However, there�s always room to grow. At least I know I always have room to grow.\nThe book was good. Interesting. Encouraging. And it was certainly full of biblical wisdom. Where I found it lacking was in the �practical advice� part. A lot of the information was more open ended and less specific. Which makes sense on one level because the in-law relationship deals with two different people and there is no �one size fits all� solution to make that work. However, on my 10-step check it off a list side, I would have liked more direction.\n\n

[Jeannie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I give this book the rating of 3.5 stars. Nothing in particular was wrong with the book, but I had different expectations about what it would offer. I didn't notice it teaching anything particularly new. I like the idea that it had, but perhaps it would be better for mother in laws rather than perspective daughter in laws. The stories in it for good as an example of how things could be bad or how things to be done better. However I wish there had been more prescriptive options rather than simply descriptive. While that might not have been the attempt of the book, I would have preferred to see more how-to rather than simply how-it-should-be.

[Misty Cardenas aliff · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book. I have had a difficult relationship with my mother in law and this opened me up to new perspectives. I started to see how my childhood played into my reactions to her and how my husbands childhood played into her reactions to me. I feel like after reading this book and much prayer we have made great strides in our relationship.

[Debby]

I have a very hard relationship with my mother in law who claims to be a Jehovahs Witness and tends to act like a child with the whole "I'm not talking to you" bit. I am hoping to learn to overcome her actions through reading this book

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping for a little more practical approach but there were several good points that I had not thought of while trying to learn how to understand my MIL better. Depending on your situation, worth the time.

[Pat Roseman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book about the "dance" that in-laws must perform and how to deal with difficult situations. So grateful that God has given me a wonderful daughter-in-law.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a little cheesy at times, but its message is sweet and humbling. A good read for mothers-in-law of daughters-in-law and vice versa!