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Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
Updated with new material--including an all new introduction and expanded practices in the epilogue--Everyday Blessings remains one of the few books on parenting that embraces the emotional, intuitive, and deeply personal experience of being a parent, applying the groundbreaking "mind/body connection" expertise from global thought-leader, Jon Kabat-Zinn and his wife, Myla Kabat-Zinn.
416 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1998
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November 25, 2012
I'm sure this makes me all un-spiritual and un-evolved and whatever, but parts of this book really pissed me off. This might be just my defensiveness as a new parent talking, but a lot of the time I felt like the authors were lecturing me about how if I could just see things from my child's perspective then I would never get angry or upset. You know what? I love my child, and I do see things from her perspective. AND, being a parent is hard, so would you mind giving me a little empathy first, since this book is for me? KTHX.
P.S. The authors come across as really self-righteous in the "attachment parenting" focused chapters, where they go on and on about horribly self-centered American parents (read: mothers) who park their children in strollers and "hard plastic seats" and ignore them and make them cry themselves to sleep. Oh, please. Perhaps you should be a little more "mindful" about judging others.
P.P.S. Two years after writing this review: I saw this book in the bookstore and wondered, "Was I just overly defensive as a new parent? Maybe I was wrong about this book." Picked it up, started looking through it, and immediately found myself getting angry again. Nope! My opinion hasn't changed.
P.S. The authors come across as really self-righteous in the "attachment parenting" focused chapters, where they go on and on about horribly self-centered American parents (read: mothers) who park their children in strollers and "hard plastic seats" and ignore them and make them cry themselves to sleep. Oh, please. Perhaps you should be a little more "mindful" about judging others.
P.P.S. Two years after writing this review: I saw this book in the bookstore and wondered, "Was I just overly defensive as a new parent? Maybe I was wrong about this book." Picked it up, started looking through it, and immediately found myself getting angry again. Nope! My opinion hasn't changed.
November 30, 2016
I borrowed this book from my friend Melanie ages ago (maybe three years ago). I started it right away after I borrowed it, and while I appreciated the Kabat-Zinns' perspective, the book didn't really hold my interest. It felt like old news. I'd been through those difficult early years with my kids, and while the suggestions were good, I didn't really need them anymore. But there was enough there that I didn't want to give the book back to Melanie unread, so I put it on my TBR Challenge list for 2015---and actually read it.
This time the book spoke to me, probably because I started 2015 with a view toward more mindful living, which, because I have young children, is essentially the same as mindful parenting. Apparently right now is the right time for me to be reading this book.
In the months after my first child was born, I used to pick up the La Leche League staple The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, not because I needed help with breastfeeding---I'd paid the lactation consultants for that and was finally nursing nearly pain-free after six weeks---but because the tone was so supportive. I would dip in after my daughter had nursed herself to sleep but wasn't ready to latch off yet, and the words would wrap around me. I would feel, for a few minutes, like I wasn't alone.
Reading Everyday Blessings this month, I was reminded of that feeling of embrace. Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn provide an open and honest look at the challenges and benefits of being present with our children. They don't offer anything I didn't already know, but they did offer reassurance. Here were people who had engaged in the same type of parenting to which I aspire, who tried and failed and tried again, over and over, and not only lived to tell the tale, but reaped benefits even from their imperfect parenting. This is comforting to me because, as much as I hope for perfection, there's no such thing as perfect parenting. I will always make mistakes; I will always have regrets. There will always be times when I'm confused and have no idea how to proceed, but I'll have to proceed anyway because that's my job. Everyday Blessings reminds me that this is okay. This is just another part of the process.
Even with all of these warm fuzzies, I found myself dreading the last section, Darkness and Light, about the loss and grief inherent in parenting. I wasn't sure I wanted to go there after being buoyed gently along on the rest of the book, but it turned out that this section pulled everything together well. Here is where they talked about their own fears and failures, and as much as I don't like looking at those in my own life, it was helpful to see them presented so gently. Practicing empathy for the parenting mistakes of those who share my parenting intentions helps me have more empathy for my own shortcomings.
This time the book spoke to me, probably because I started 2015 with a view toward more mindful living, which, because I have young children, is essentially the same as mindful parenting. Apparently right now is the right time for me to be reading this book.
In the months after my first child was born, I used to pick up the La Leche League staple The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, not because I needed help with breastfeeding---I'd paid the lactation consultants for that and was finally nursing nearly pain-free after six weeks---but because the tone was so supportive. I would dip in after my daughter had nursed herself to sleep but wasn't ready to latch off yet, and the words would wrap around me. I would feel, for a few minutes, like I wasn't alone.
Reading Everyday Blessings this month, I was reminded of that feeling of embrace. Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn provide an open and honest look at the challenges and benefits of being present with our children. They don't offer anything I didn't already know, but they did offer reassurance. Here were people who had engaged in the same type of parenting to which I aspire, who tried and failed and tried again, over and over, and not only lived to tell the tale, but reaped benefits even from their imperfect parenting. This is comforting to me because, as much as I hope for perfection, there's no such thing as perfect parenting. I will always make mistakes; I will always have regrets. There will always be times when I'm confused and have no idea how to proceed, but I'll have to proceed anyway because that's my job. Everyday Blessings reminds me that this is okay. This is just another part of the process.
Even with all of these warm fuzzies, I found myself dreading the last section, Darkness and Light, about the loss and grief inherent in parenting. I wasn't sure I wanted to go there after being buoyed gently along on the rest of the book, but it turned out that this section pulled everything together well. Here is where they talked about their own fears and failures, and as much as I don't like looking at those in my own life, it was helpful to see them presented so gently. Practicing empathy for the parenting mistakes of those who share my parenting intentions helps me have more empathy for my own shortcomings.
May 2, 2011
zzzhgghhh...oh whoops..that was me falling asleep to a book that spends hundreds of pages telling parents how to be mindful. Maybe it is just me but I understood mindfulness prior to reading the book and this book just droned on and on and on explaining it in lots of fluttery therapist language. Get to the point already.....which is....be more mindful of your actions towards your kids, be more mindful of the reasoning behind their actions and be more present when you are with your kids. It took me several months to finish because I kept falling asleep.
October 23, 2012
This is not just a book. You owe yourself so much more than to just read it. This is a way of thinking. A way of BEING. A way of living. This text brings many concepts, thoughts,and ideas to the forefront of our minds, and though many of us may be keenly aware of them, we often forget or set aside this knowledge while allowing life and all of its complexities and intricacies to intervene and distract us from what we really value. This book provides us with gentle reminders and practical strategies on how and why to stay present not only in the lives of our children, but in all of our relationships (including the most important one with ourselves).
The ability to see a person seperate from their behavior and words is essential to growth on many levels. Being present in the current moment and not taking on any baggage from a "time" that has expired or may never come is an essential excercise in living. Being totally mindful of your breathing patterns, why and how they alter or change from one moment or situation to the next, is also relevant in making sure that one dwells in a healthy space and operates out of love. And then there are those times, those seasons (we all have them), when though we know better, we perpetuate unhealthy, unloving cycles in our lives. This manual is for you.You do not read it once and put it up on your shelf. This is a reference guide and should always be within arms reach. I found myself reflecting, experimenting, purging, and journaling throughout my reading of Everyday Blessings. I took my time reading and thinking about many of the words on theses pages. They answered several of my questions and gave birth to new questions.
I believe that great literature impacts us this way. It restructures the way that we think, what we believe, and how we choose to behave. It confirms that we have choice in how we live our lives and that we are not at the hands of others or that of our situations. The words stay with you long after you have closed the book and you are forever changed. Everyday Blessings has provided this for me!
The ability to see a person seperate from their behavior and words is essential to growth on many levels. Being present in the current moment and not taking on any baggage from a "time" that has expired or may never come is an essential excercise in living. Being totally mindful of your breathing patterns, why and how they alter or change from one moment or situation to the next, is also relevant in making sure that one dwells in a healthy space and operates out of love. And then there are those times, those seasons (we all have them), when though we know better, we perpetuate unhealthy, unloving cycles in our lives. This manual is for you.You do not read it once and put it up on your shelf. This is a reference guide and should always be within arms reach. I found myself reflecting, experimenting, purging, and journaling throughout my reading of Everyday Blessings. I took my time reading and thinking about many of the words on theses pages. They answered several of my questions and gave birth to new questions.
I believe that great literature impacts us this way. It restructures the way that we think, what we believe, and how we choose to behave. It confirms that we have choice in how we live our lives and that we are not at the hands of others or that of our situations. The words stay with you long after you have closed the book and you are forever changed. Everyday Blessings has provided this for me!
March 23, 2017
I've generally been a good parent, but the mistakes that I most regret have come from periods where I was "too busy" and not present in the process of parenting.
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, is their book on parenting, building on their work on mindfulness to handle other problems: stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. The Kabat-Zinns make it sound possible to parent mindfully and compassionately, offering them age-appropriate sovereignty, and listening deeply to their children and their individual needs. The Kabat-Zinns also talk about their own work – being mindful under the stresses of parenting rather than reactive to them.
At the same time, the Kabat-Zinns clearly admitted their own struggles with parenting and their intention to keep working to parent better. That they talked about both pieces – their successes and struggles – makes it easier to listen to and work with these ideas.
My favorite parts of Everyday Blessings include the stories they tell throughout the book, both personal stories and parables, and the Seven Intentions listed at the end of the book. Their stories highlight both the things that make parenting difficult and a path through those. Their intentions provide a useful path while parenting.
Many parenting books offer specific and concrete parenting behaviors for raising healthy children. While the Kabat-Zinns do not offer such concrete directions, they offer a compassionate compass that can help parents respond to the range of situations that have no simple solutions.
Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, is their book on parenting, building on their work on mindfulness to handle other problems: stress, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. The Kabat-Zinns make it sound possible to parent mindfully and compassionately, offering them age-appropriate sovereignty, and listening deeply to their children and their individual needs. The Kabat-Zinns also talk about their own work – being mindful under the stresses of parenting rather than reactive to them.
At the same time, the Kabat-Zinns clearly admitted their own struggles with parenting and their intention to keep working to parent better. That they talked about both pieces – their successes and struggles – makes it easier to listen to and work with these ideas.
My favorite parts of Everyday Blessings include the stories they tell throughout the book, both personal stories and parables, and the Seven Intentions listed at the end of the book. Their stories highlight both the things that make parenting difficult and a path through those. Their intentions provide a useful path while parenting.
Many parenting books offer specific and concrete parenting behaviors for raising healthy children. While the Kabat-Zinns do not offer such concrete directions, they offer a compassionate compass that can help parents respond to the range of situations that have no simple solutions.
January 27, 2009
I love this book. it keeps me grounded when i'm feeling a little tiny bit overwhelmed with the babe. i just read a page and i feel like "yes, i can do this. yes, i want to do this!"
the authors a husband and wife, parents to a son and a daughter, and Zen Buddhists have written a book together that really made me stop and think about the importance of really connecting with my child while allowing him space to be who he is.
it is not a book to read if you are looking for child rearing strategies. but it is definitely a book to read if one is looking for a parenting philosophy. i was scared and turned off after reading so many parenting books where the children are presented as little monsters who manipulate their parents and try get away with as much as possible (any book by John Rosemond or the Ezzos). this book on the other hand presents children and the experience of parenting as a practice in mindful meditation. it's really reminded me to be in the moment with my son, to appreciate everyday and night with him- even the hard and sleepless ones. it reminds me to respect my child (and myself) as our own beings and to practice and be an example of the values i hope to instill in him for the future. it is not a book that will give a quick fix or a methodology on parenting- there are no steps to take when your kid behaves in a way you don't want him to. but it is a book that will very subtly and beautifully teach you how to be in the moment and enjoy the ride!
the authors a husband and wife, parents to a son and a daughter, and Zen Buddhists have written a book together that really made me stop and think about the importance of really connecting with my child while allowing him space to be who he is.
it is not a book to read if you are looking for child rearing strategies. but it is definitely a book to read if one is looking for a parenting philosophy. i was scared and turned off after reading so many parenting books where the children are presented as little monsters who manipulate their parents and try get away with as much as possible (any book by John Rosemond or the Ezzos). this book on the other hand presents children and the experience of parenting as a practice in mindful meditation. it's really reminded me to be in the moment with my son, to appreciate everyday and night with him- even the hard and sleepless ones. it reminds me to respect my child (and myself) as our own beings and to practice and be an example of the values i hope to instill in him for the future. it is not a book that will give a quick fix or a methodology on parenting- there are no steps to take when your kid behaves in a way you don't want him to. but it is a book that will very subtly and beautifully teach you how to be in the moment and enjoy the ride!
July 29, 2010
This is one of those books that came to me at just the right time in my life. Recommended by a friend in my mama’s meditation group, it is inspiring me to be even more mindful in my parenting and my life in general.
I saved tons of passages:
p. 4 Mindful parenting is hard work. It means knowing ourselves inwardly, and working at the interface where our inner lives meet the lives of our children.
...One reason I practice meditation is to maintain my own balance and clarity of mind in the face of such huge challenges, and to be able to stay more or less on course through all the weather changes that, as a parent, I encounter day in and day out on this journey. Making time each day, usually early in the morning, for a period of quiet stillness, helps me to be calmer and more balanced, to see more clearly and more broadly, to be more consistently aware of what is really important, and over and over again to make the choice to live by that awareness.
For me, mindfulness—cultivated in periods of stillness and during the day in the various things I find myself doing—hones an attentive sensitivity to the present moment that helps me keep my heart at least a tiny bit more open and my mind at least a tiny bit clear, so that I have a chance to see my children for who they are, to remember to give them what it is they most need from me, and to make plenty of room for them to find their own ways to be in the world.
But the fact that I practice meditation doesn’t mean that I am always calm or kind or gentle, or always present. There are many times when I am not. It doesn’t mean that I always know what to do and never feel confused or at a loss. But being even a little more mindful helps me to see things I might not have seen and take small but important, sometimes critical steps I might not otherwise have taken.
p. 13 Parenting is one of the most challenging, demanding, and stressful jobs on the planet.
p. 15 Such a calling is in actuality nothing less than a rigorous spiritual discipline—a quest to realize our truest, deepest nature as a human being. The very fact that we are a parent is continually asking us to find and express what is most nourishing, most loving, most wise and caring in ourselves, to be, as much as we can, our best selves.
p. 24 Mindfulness means moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness. It is cultivated by refining our capacity to pay attention, intentionally, in the present moment, and then sustaining that attention over time as best we can. In the process, we become more in touch with our life as it is unfolding.
...it is simply about cultivating the capacity we all have as human beings for awareness, clarity, and compassion.
p. 28 Mindful parenting is a continual process of deepening and refining our awareness and our ability to be present and to act wisely. It is not an attempt to attain a fixed goal or outcome, however worthy. An important part of the process is seeing ourselves with some degree of kindness and compassion. This includes seeing and accepting our limitations, our blindnesses, our humanness and fallibility, and working with them as mindfully as we can. The one thing we know we can always do, even in moments of darkness and despair that show us we don’t know anything, is to begin again, fresh, right in the moment. Every moment is a new beginning, another opportunity for tuning in, and perhaps coming—in that very moment—to see and feel and know ourselves and our children in a new and deeper way.
p. 89 Parenting is the Full Catastrophe
When we become parents, whether intentionally or by happenstance, our whole life is immediately different, although it may take some time to realize just how much. Being a parent compounds stress by orders of magnitude. It makes us vulnerable in ways we weren’t before. It challenges us as never before, and takes our time and attention away from other things, including ourselves, as never before. It creates chaos and disorder, feelings of inadequacy, occasions for arguments, struggles, irritation, noise, seemingly never-ending obligations and errands, and plenty of opportunities for getting stuck, angry, resentful, hurt, and for feeling overwhelmed, old, and unimportant. And this can go on not only when the children are little, but even when they are full grown and on their own. Having children is asking for trouble.
So why do we do it? Children give us the opportunity to share in the vibrancy of life itself in ways we would not touch were they not part of our lives....Children embody what is best in life....Once we have children, we are in touch with the rest of the universe in an entirely different way.
As for trouble, Zorba, the crusty old character in Kazantzakis’s novel Zorba the Greek, who, when asked whether he had ever been married, replied, “Am I not a man? Of course I’ve been married. Wife, house, kids, the full catastrophe,” also said: “Trouble? Life is trouble. Only death is no trouble.”
p. 102 [In practicing meditation:] We might begin to taste impermanence in a new way, since nothing we focus our attention on endures for long. Each breath comes and goes, sensations in the body come and go, thoughts come and go, emotions come and go, ideas and opinions come and go, moments come and go, days and nights come and go. We may see that, similarly, seasons and years come and go, youth comes and goes, jobs and people come and go. Even mountains and rivers and species come and go. Nothing is fixed. Nothing is permanent, although things may appear that way to us. Everything is always moving, changing, becoming, dissolving, emerging, evolving, in a complex dance, the outer dance of the world not so different from the inner dance of our own mind. We might see that our children are also part of this dance....that, like us, they too are only brief visitors to this beautiful and strange world, and our time with them even briefer, its duration unknown.
p. 122. What is called for in the cultivation of mindfulness, and in mindful parenting, rather than judging, is discernment, the ability to look deeply into something and perceive distinctions keenly and with clarity....A discerning awareness can hold even our own judging in mind and know it for what it is. We can observe this ingrained habit of mind with some degree of compassion, and not judge ourselves for being so judgmental. In seeing the significance of what we are seeing, discernment gives rise to wisdom. It frees us to act more wisely with our children, without getting so caught up in our own likes and dislikes that we can no longer see clearly. It is in the nature of the mind to judge. But without discernment, our judgments will tend to be inaccurate, unwise, and unconscious.
...
A rigid, black and white, either/or view is invariably inaccurate; it serves only to perpetuate illusions and delusion, and conflict between spouses and with children.
p. 126 As we have discussed, you will soon discover that the mind is often turbulent, like the surface of the ocean, or a flag being blown first in this direction, then in that. The mind tends to be preoccupied. It gets carried away by thoughts and feelings. ... You may experience mostly anxiety, or ceaseless distraction.
That’s all fine. It’s not supposed to feel relaxing, although it often can. There is no way in particular you are supposed to feel. ... we are attempting to cultivate a non-striving, non-reactive, non-judgmental orientation toward our experience of any moment, just perceiving and feeling what is here, and if possible, letting go of any tendency to attach personal pronouns to the feeling states.
The other crucial instruction to keep in mind when you are starting out with formal mindfulness practice is simply this: Whenever you notice that your attention is no longer on your breathing or in your body, note where it is. In other words, you notice what is on your mind. This noting is very important, because it brings thoughts and feelings and images into awareness, and deepens our familiarity and intimacy with our own mind states.
p. 233 One aspect of family atmosphere and culture that we value highly is a sense of the home as a haven, a refuge from the bombardment of outside stimuli, a place in which our own values set the tone and can have a tempering, broadening, and deepening effect on what we perceive as the often superficial, frenetic, and materialistic values of the dominant culture.
Family rituals can be an important part of the fabric of this home culture. ... Anything can be made into a family ritual, from waking up the children in the morning, to tying their shoes, to brushing or braiding their hair, to having dinner together as often as possible, to lighting candles at the dinner table, to saying a blessing, or singing a song together, or sitting around the fire in winter, or telling stories before bedtime. All can serve to enrich family life.
p. 246 Fully embodied human beings cannot be nurtured through technology, no matter how clever or wholesome, but only through soul time and the nurturance of the human heart by human beings who feel and who care.
p. 331 The quality and warmth of our connections with our children will be proportional to how much we continue to do our own inner work and keep a sense of appropriate boundaries, our willingness to have older children find their own ways, and keep their own council. They may be more inclined to communicate, the less we hunger to know. Presence and openness, love and interest, and a willingness to respond are all that is necessary. This kind of spaciousness is the basis for respect and trust between parent and child.
p. 378 If, on occasion, we lapse into an old familiar pattern, if we find ourselves critical, or unkind, or judging, or demanding, or withholding, or any of the myriad ways negativity can manifest, we need to take a moment and look at what has happened. We need to acknowledge what we did, learn from it, and apologize for our behavior. And then....we begin again.
...
Mindfulness is all about living the lives that are ours to live. This can only happen if we make room for our true nature to emerge—what is deepest and best in ourselves. While we may all be born miraculous beings, without proper nurturing our genius may be smothered and snuffed out for lack of oxygen. The oxygen that feeds our true nature is found in stillness, attention, love, sovereignty, and community. The challenge of mindful parenting is to find ways to nourish our children and ourselves, to remain true to the quest, the hero’s journey that is a human life lived in awareness, across our entire life span, and so to grow into who we all are and can become for each other, for ourselves, and for the world.
7 Intentions:
1. I will bring my entire creative genius to the work of mindful parenting
2. I will see parenting as a spiritual discipline, meaning that it provides me with every necessary opportunity to cultivate wisdom and openheartedness in myself, so that I may come to know and express my true nature and share what is best in me with my children and with the world.
3. I will cultivate mindfulness and discernment in my daily life, especially with my children, using an awareness of my breathing to ground me in the present moment.
4. I will make every effort to see who my children actually are, and to remember to accept them for who they are at every age, rather than be blinded by my own expectations and fears. By making a commitment to live my own life fully and to work at seeing and accepting myself as I am, I will be better able to accord a similar acceptance to my children. In this way I can help them to grow and to realize their full potential as unique beings.
5. I will make every effort to see things from each child’s point of view and understand what my children’s needs are, and to meet them as best I can.
6. I will use whatever comes up in my own life and in the lives of my children, including the darkest and most difficult times, as “grist for the mill”, to grow as a human being so that I am better able to understand my children, their soul needs, and what is required of me as a parent.
7. I will fold these intentions into my heart, and commit myself to putting them into practice as best I can, every day, and in appropriate ways that feel right to me and that honor my children’s sovereignty, and my own.
I saved tons of passages:
p. 4 Mindful parenting is hard work. It means knowing ourselves inwardly, and working at the interface where our inner lives meet the lives of our children.
...One reason I practice meditation is to maintain my own balance and clarity of mind in the face of such huge challenges, and to be able to stay more or less on course through all the weather changes that, as a parent, I encounter day in and day out on this journey. Making time each day, usually early in the morning, for a period of quiet stillness, helps me to be calmer and more balanced, to see more clearly and more broadly, to be more consistently aware of what is really important, and over and over again to make the choice to live by that awareness.
For me, mindfulness—cultivated in periods of stillness and during the day in the various things I find myself doing—hones an attentive sensitivity to the present moment that helps me keep my heart at least a tiny bit more open and my mind at least a tiny bit clear, so that I have a chance to see my children for who they are, to remember to give them what it is they most need from me, and to make plenty of room for them to find their own ways to be in the world.
But the fact that I practice meditation doesn’t mean that I am always calm or kind or gentle, or always present. There are many times when I am not. It doesn’t mean that I always know what to do and never feel confused or at a loss. But being even a little more mindful helps me to see things I might not have seen and take small but important, sometimes critical steps I might not otherwise have taken.
p. 13 Parenting is one of the most challenging, demanding, and stressful jobs on the planet.
p. 15 Such a calling is in actuality nothing less than a rigorous spiritual discipline—a quest to realize our truest, deepest nature as a human being. The very fact that we are a parent is continually asking us to find and express what is most nourishing, most loving, most wise and caring in ourselves, to be, as much as we can, our best selves.
p. 24 Mindfulness means moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness. It is cultivated by refining our capacity to pay attention, intentionally, in the present moment, and then sustaining that attention over time as best we can. In the process, we become more in touch with our life as it is unfolding.
...it is simply about cultivating the capacity we all have as human beings for awareness, clarity, and compassion.
p. 28 Mindful parenting is a continual process of deepening and refining our awareness and our ability to be present and to act wisely. It is not an attempt to attain a fixed goal or outcome, however worthy. An important part of the process is seeing ourselves with some degree of kindness and compassion. This includes seeing and accepting our limitations, our blindnesses, our humanness and fallibility, and working with them as mindfully as we can. The one thing we know we can always do, even in moments of darkness and despair that show us we don’t know anything, is to begin again, fresh, right in the moment. Every moment is a new beginning, another opportunity for tuning in, and perhaps coming—in that very moment—to see and feel and know ourselves and our children in a new and deeper way.
p. 89 Parenting is the Full Catastrophe
When we become parents, whether intentionally or by happenstance, our whole life is immediately different, although it may take some time to realize just how much. Being a parent compounds stress by orders of magnitude. It makes us vulnerable in ways we weren’t before. It challenges us as never before, and takes our time and attention away from other things, including ourselves, as never before. It creates chaos and disorder, feelings of inadequacy, occasions for arguments, struggles, irritation, noise, seemingly never-ending obligations and errands, and plenty of opportunities for getting stuck, angry, resentful, hurt, and for feeling overwhelmed, old, and unimportant. And this can go on not only when the children are little, but even when they are full grown and on their own. Having children is asking for trouble.
So why do we do it? Children give us the opportunity to share in the vibrancy of life itself in ways we would not touch were they not part of our lives....Children embody what is best in life....Once we have children, we are in touch with the rest of the universe in an entirely different way.
As for trouble, Zorba, the crusty old character in Kazantzakis’s novel Zorba the Greek, who, when asked whether he had ever been married, replied, “Am I not a man? Of course I’ve been married. Wife, house, kids, the full catastrophe,” also said: “Trouble? Life is trouble. Only death is no trouble.”
p. 102 [In practicing meditation:] We might begin to taste impermanence in a new way, since nothing we focus our attention on endures for long. Each breath comes and goes, sensations in the body come and go, thoughts come and go, emotions come and go, ideas and opinions come and go, moments come and go, days and nights come and go. We may see that, similarly, seasons and years come and go, youth comes and goes, jobs and people come and go. Even mountains and rivers and species come and go. Nothing is fixed. Nothing is permanent, although things may appear that way to us. Everything is always moving, changing, becoming, dissolving, emerging, evolving, in a complex dance, the outer dance of the world not so different from the inner dance of our own mind. We might see that our children are also part of this dance....that, like us, they too are only brief visitors to this beautiful and strange world, and our time with them even briefer, its duration unknown.
p. 122. What is called for in the cultivation of mindfulness, and in mindful parenting, rather than judging, is discernment, the ability to look deeply into something and perceive distinctions keenly and with clarity....A discerning awareness can hold even our own judging in mind and know it for what it is. We can observe this ingrained habit of mind with some degree of compassion, and not judge ourselves for being so judgmental. In seeing the significance of what we are seeing, discernment gives rise to wisdom. It frees us to act more wisely with our children, without getting so caught up in our own likes and dislikes that we can no longer see clearly. It is in the nature of the mind to judge. But without discernment, our judgments will tend to be inaccurate, unwise, and unconscious.
...
A rigid, black and white, either/or view is invariably inaccurate; it serves only to perpetuate illusions and delusion, and conflict between spouses and with children.
p. 126 As we have discussed, you will soon discover that the mind is often turbulent, like the surface of the ocean, or a flag being blown first in this direction, then in that. The mind tends to be preoccupied. It gets carried away by thoughts and feelings. ... You may experience mostly anxiety, or ceaseless distraction.
That’s all fine. It’s not supposed to feel relaxing, although it often can. There is no way in particular you are supposed to feel. ... we are attempting to cultivate a non-striving, non-reactive, non-judgmental orientation toward our experience of any moment, just perceiving and feeling what is here, and if possible, letting go of any tendency to attach personal pronouns to the feeling states.
The other crucial instruction to keep in mind when you are starting out with formal mindfulness practice is simply this: Whenever you notice that your attention is no longer on your breathing or in your body, note where it is. In other words, you notice what is on your mind. This noting is very important, because it brings thoughts and feelings and images into awareness, and deepens our familiarity and intimacy with our own mind states.
p. 233 One aspect of family atmosphere and culture that we value highly is a sense of the home as a haven, a refuge from the bombardment of outside stimuli, a place in which our own values set the tone and can have a tempering, broadening, and deepening effect on what we perceive as the often superficial, frenetic, and materialistic values of the dominant culture.
Family rituals can be an important part of the fabric of this home culture. ... Anything can be made into a family ritual, from waking up the children in the morning, to tying their shoes, to brushing or braiding their hair, to having dinner together as often as possible, to lighting candles at the dinner table, to saying a blessing, or singing a song together, or sitting around the fire in winter, or telling stories before bedtime. All can serve to enrich family life.
p. 246 Fully embodied human beings cannot be nurtured through technology, no matter how clever or wholesome, but only through soul time and the nurturance of the human heart by human beings who feel and who care.
p. 331 The quality and warmth of our connections with our children will be proportional to how much we continue to do our own inner work and keep a sense of appropriate boundaries, our willingness to have older children find their own ways, and keep their own council. They may be more inclined to communicate, the less we hunger to know. Presence and openness, love and interest, and a willingness to respond are all that is necessary. This kind of spaciousness is the basis for respect and trust between parent and child.
p. 378 If, on occasion, we lapse into an old familiar pattern, if we find ourselves critical, or unkind, or judging, or demanding, or withholding, or any of the myriad ways negativity can manifest, we need to take a moment and look at what has happened. We need to acknowledge what we did, learn from it, and apologize for our behavior. And then....we begin again.
...
Mindfulness is all about living the lives that are ours to live. This can only happen if we make room for our true nature to emerge—what is deepest and best in ourselves. While we may all be born miraculous beings, without proper nurturing our genius may be smothered and snuffed out for lack of oxygen. The oxygen that feeds our true nature is found in stillness, attention, love, sovereignty, and community. The challenge of mindful parenting is to find ways to nourish our children and ourselves, to remain true to the quest, the hero’s journey that is a human life lived in awareness, across our entire life span, and so to grow into who we all are and can become for each other, for ourselves, and for the world.
7 Intentions:
1. I will bring my entire creative genius to the work of mindful parenting
2. I will see parenting as a spiritual discipline, meaning that it provides me with every necessary opportunity to cultivate wisdom and openheartedness in myself, so that I may come to know and express my true nature and share what is best in me with my children and with the world.
3. I will cultivate mindfulness and discernment in my daily life, especially with my children, using an awareness of my breathing to ground me in the present moment.
4. I will make every effort to see who my children actually are, and to remember to accept them for who they are at every age, rather than be blinded by my own expectations and fears. By making a commitment to live my own life fully and to work at seeing and accepting myself as I am, I will be better able to accord a similar acceptance to my children. In this way I can help them to grow and to realize their full potential as unique beings.
5. I will make every effort to see things from each child’s point of view and understand what my children’s needs are, and to meet them as best I can.
6. I will use whatever comes up in my own life and in the lives of my children, including the darkest and most difficult times, as “grist for the mill”, to grow as a human being so that I am better able to understand my children, their soul needs, and what is required of me as a parent.
7. I will fold these intentions into my heart, and commit myself to putting them into practice as best I can, every day, and in appropriate ways that feel right to me and that honor my children’s sovereignty, and my own.
September 22, 2016
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side-by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky. - Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters
Our interconnectedness and our interdependence enable us to learn and grow together.
What is truly important here?
Sovereignty - giving the choice back to the child to enable transformation
In honoring our children's sovereignty, we make it possible for them to do 2 things: 1) Show themselves in their 'true seeming' and 2) Find their own way. Both are necessary to come to full adulthood.
The Buddha is sometimes called, "One who has Sovereignty over Himself or Herself." Events carry us away and we lose ourselves. Walking meditation helps us regain our sovereignty, our liberty as a human being. We walk with grace and dignity, like an emperor, like a lion. Each step is life.
- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Long Road Turns to Joy
Children are born with sovereignty, in that they are born perfect who and what they are.
The experience of sovereignty deepens as a child learns to encounter the world from a place of inward strength and confidence, secure in themselves, knowing that s/he is loved and lovable, and accepted as s/he is, for who s/he is.
Having children is asking for trouble.
So why do it? Maybe Pete Seeger said it best: "We do it for the high wages . . . kisses."
Children give us the opportunity to share in the vibrancy of life itself in ways we would not touch were they not part of our lives.
Zorba, the crusty old character in Kazantzakis' novel Zorba the Greek: Trouble? Life is trouble. Only death is not trouble.
The mind behaves in fairly structured way, in patterns that are recognizable, if sometimes excruciatingly repetitive and unrelenting. You might come to see, just by sitting and walking in silence, how ceaselessly the stream of thinking flows, how chaotic the thought process is, and how unreliable and inaccurate most of our thoughts are.
Calmness and deep stillness are intrinsic to the mind, always present, and even when we are caught up in huge storms of emotional turmoil, the calmness and stillness and the capacity to be aware are still here, embedded in and an integral part of our being. They provide a larger container for the turbulence of the mind, so that the very turbulence itself can be held, seen, and even used to deepen our understanding.
You are certainly who you are, and you are responsible for many things; but you are certainly not who you think you are because thinking itself is limited, and your true nature is limited.
We are only here very briefly, but that brief moment we call a lifetime is also infinitely long if we can bring awareness to our moments, since there are infinite moments in any lifetime. Such experiences show we are not entirely bound by time.
Waking up in the morning is waking-up meditation. Brushing your teeth is brushing-your-teeth meditation. Everything, cleaning up, cooking, everything becomes part of our practice of mindfulness. Everything.
To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. Thoreau, Walden
Be empty of worrying,
Think of who created thought!
Why do you stay in prison
When the door is so wide open?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking,
Live in silence.
Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.
- RUMI
Another way to heal is by making time in the day to focus inwardly and bathe ourselves in a compassionate, nonjudgmental energy. Bring kindness and acceptance to our innermost being. Think of a person or being for whom we have felt love and acceptance, and get in touch with the feelings of loving kindness and acceptance we have for them, and allow those feelings to flow around ourselves as well.
Let's begin again... Let's try again.... to nurture, to heal and rebuild - a trusting, caring relationship.
With children experiencing a lack of connection in so many fundamental ways, it is not entirely surprising that there are so many teenage pregnancies and so many teens who turn to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes to try to achieve a sense of well-being and connectedness.
Deprived of intimacy in the family, increasingly younger teens are seeking intimacy in sex. "Intimate" is defined as "pertaining to the inmost character of something; most private or personal; very familiar; very close." Its use alluding to a sexual relationship is far down the list of meanings, and yet it is frequently what first comes to mind in these times. Rather than having the experience of feeling close emotionally, of being able to ask for a hug, or to be held lovingly, teens may feel that sex is the only avenue available to meet their tremendous need for love and closeness.
Perhaps the obsession our society seems to have with women's breasts is in part a frustrated yearning for nurturance, closeness, and connection, for being fed on the deepest level.
With the priorities of our society so skewed, it becomes even more important that children be healthy and balanced within themselves, with a strong positive sense of their bodies and a strong inner sense of who they are. They need to experience themselves as whole human beings, neither disembodied intellects nor sexualized objects.
The allure of addictive activities is nothing more than the false promise that their natural longings for intimacy and connection, an experience of feeling whole, and of belonging, will be satisfied.
What may feel right to us now may not feel that way at some other time. Moreover what feels balanced to us might feel completely unbalanced to you, and vice versa. What may feel right to you may feel wrong to someone else. Each of us has to work at defining what balance means for us, and create it from moment to moment for ourselves, for our children, and for the family as a whole, the best we can.
Nourishing, restoring moments can take many forms. It may be a quiet, dreamy time in the bath, or playing a game, telling a story, singing a song, doing something together like drawing or baking muffins, or skipping stones on the water. Renewal can come from something as simple as the quiet reassurance of being held in our arms, or in our laps. Putting aside our agendas, we can bring our awareness to the breath, keeping it slow and deep, feeling our child relax, breath naturally slowing down, finding its rhythm, in harmony with our own.
When they need to share something with us, they will feel that they can trust us and that we might understand their concerns. This requires availability and presence on our part. It also requires a healthy respect for interiority, for the inner life we can never know of someone else, and are lucky if we can recognize in ourself, and as a consequence, a healthy resolve to mind our own business. It is a delicate balance, requiring a high degree of sensitivity, discernment and patience.
Patience and presence w/o prying or probing
This widening of the psychic space between us can catalyze our own inner development as well as our children's. The quality and warmth of our connections are proportional to how much we keep a sense of appropriate boundaries, our willingness to have our older children find their own ways, and keep their own council. They may be more inclined to communicate, the less we hunger to know. This kind of spaciousness is the basis for respect and trust between parent and child. This is the part of the business that is ours to mind.
I have learned how important it is to tell people when you love them, because tomorrow is just a concept of our minds.
Making a space for deep and unpleasant emotions is as much a part of mindfulness as following the breath.
The river of grief is never as far from us or as foreign to us as we might think when we see it coursing through the heart of someone else.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Mary Oliver, "Wild Geese," Dream Work
David Wagoner, based on the Northwest Native American tradition, captures this spirit. It is what the elder might say in response to a young girl or boy who comes and asks, "What do I do when I am lost in the forest?
Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known,
The forest breathes, Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
David Wagoner, Lost
As soon as we start attending, we are no longer lost. We are simply where we are. Where we actually are is always a good place to begin, both physically, when we've lost our bearings, and metaphorically, when it feels as if we no longer know what we are doing. Perhaps, in some way, we are always lost, to the degree that we are not fully awake. Perhaps what is most important is our willingness to be where we actually are and dwell here fully, in darkness or in light, without having to go anywhere else. Only then may be we know where to place our foot when it comes time to move.
The challenge is bringing mindfulness into our parenting, especially when it seems the darkest, when we feel the most adrift, without bearings, lost. Can we stand still right there, right then, which may be right here, right now, and be in touch with and guided by what is most basic, through our own attention?
The grief of lost opportunities, for how we were or weren't in another time, lies deep within the human psyche. It can cause us to yearn for some way to heal our children's pain and our own, and bring us closer. We are forced to acknowledge that what is past cannot be undone, only known and known deeply, felt and felt deeply, and thereby, in a glimmer of new possibility and hope, perhaps transformed by our very recognition and our acceptance. It is only in the present that new possibilities exist. Acknowledging our anguish and grief and the pain we may have caused, is part of shaping those possibilities., of giving birth to something new in ourselves, which may require the shedding of something old, however tenaciously it clings to us and we to it.
It is never too late to work toward creating healthy new connections, even if our children are distrustful of us, or angry. To be of any real value, reaching out in this way must be a genuine overture, with the well-being of our child foremost in our mind, as hard as it might be for us, accepting the possibility that irreparable damage may have been done and no reconciliation possible. We can stand in a place beyond looking for sympathy, understanding, reassurance, or affection, beyond any desire to be absolved of guilt. We can bring our attention back to the question: What is in the best interest of my child.
We need to be cognizant of the demands and stresses that they may be dealing with in their own lives. Still, when things happen that bother us, we need to pay attention and try, with sensitivity, to talk about it soon after, rather than letting things build up. As adults, they are free to say no or reject us altogether.
Begin again...
Mindfulness is all about living the lives that are ours to live. The challenge is to find ways to nourish our children and ourselves, to remain true to the quest, the hero's journey that is a human life lived in awareness, across our entire life span, and to grow into who we are and can become for each other, for ourselves, and for the world.
Our interconnectedness and our interdependence enable us to learn and grow together.
What is truly important here?
Sovereignty - giving the choice back to the child to enable transformation
In honoring our children's sovereignty, we make it possible for them to do 2 things: 1) Show themselves in their 'true seeming' and 2) Find their own way. Both are necessary to come to full adulthood.
The Buddha is sometimes called, "One who has Sovereignty over Himself or Herself." Events carry us away and we lose ourselves. Walking meditation helps us regain our sovereignty, our liberty as a human being. We walk with grace and dignity, like an emperor, like a lion. Each step is life.
- Thich Nhat Hanh, The Long Road Turns to Joy
Children are born with sovereignty, in that they are born perfect who and what they are.
The experience of sovereignty deepens as a child learns to encounter the world from a place of inward strength and confidence, secure in themselves, knowing that s/he is loved and lovable, and accepted as s/he is, for who s/he is.
Having children is asking for trouble.
So why do it? Maybe Pete Seeger said it best: "We do it for the high wages . . . kisses."
Children give us the opportunity to share in the vibrancy of life itself in ways we would not touch were they not part of our lives.
Zorba, the crusty old character in Kazantzakis' novel Zorba the Greek: Trouble? Life is trouble. Only death is not trouble.
The mind behaves in fairly structured way, in patterns that are recognizable, if sometimes excruciatingly repetitive and unrelenting. You might come to see, just by sitting and walking in silence, how ceaselessly the stream of thinking flows, how chaotic the thought process is, and how unreliable and inaccurate most of our thoughts are.
Calmness and deep stillness are intrinsic to the mind, always present, and even when we are caught up in huge storms of emotional turmoil, the calmness and stillness and the capacity to be aware are still here, embedded in and an integral part of our being. They provide a larger container for the turbulence of the mind, so that the very turbulence itself can be held, seen, and even used to deepen our understanding.
You are certainly who you are, and you are responsible for many things; but you are certainly not who you think you are because thinking itself is limited, and your true nature is limited.
We are only here very briefly, but that brief moment we call a lifetime is also infinitely long if we can bring awareness to our moments, since there are infinite moments in any lifetime. Such experiences show we are not entirely bound by time.
Waking up in the morning is waking-up meditation. Brushing your teeth is brushing-your-teeth meditation. Everything, cleaning up, cooking, everything becomes part of our practice of mindfulness. Everything.
To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. Thoreau, Walden
Be empty of worrying,
Think of who created thought!
Why do you stay in prison
When the door is so wide open?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking,
Live in silence.
Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.
- RUMI
Another way to heal is by making time in the day to focus inwardly and bathe ourselves in a compassionate, nonjudgmental energy. Bring kindness and acceptance to our innermost being. Think of a person or being for whom we have felt love and acceptance, and get in touch with the feelings of loving kindness and acceptance we have for them, and allow those feelings to flow around ourselves as well.
Let's begin again... Let's try again.... to nurture, to heal and rebuild - a trusting, caring relationship.
With children experiencing a lack of connection in so many fundamental ways, it is not entirely surprising that there are so many teenage pregnancies and so many teens who turn to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes to try to achieve a sense of well-being and connectedness.
Deprived of intimacy in the family, increasingly younger teens are seeking intimacy in sex. "Intimate" is defined as "pertaining to the inmost character of something; most private or personal; very familiar; very close." Its use alluding to a sexual relationship is far down the list of meanings, and yet it is frequently what first comes to mind in these times. Rather than having the experience of feeling close emotionally, of being able to ask for a hug, or to be held lovingly, teens may feel that sex is the only avenue available to meet their tremendous need for love and closeness.
Perhaps the obsession our society seems to have with women's breasts is in part a frustrated yearning for nurturance, closeness, and connection, for being fed on the deepest level.
With the priorities of our society so skewed, it becomes even more important that children be healthy and balanced within themselves, with a strong positive sense of their bodies and a strong inner sense of who they are. They need to experience themselves as whole human beings, neither disembodied intellects nor sexualized objects.
The allure of addictive activities is nothing more than the false promise that their natural longings for intimacy and connection, an experience of feeling whole, and of belonging, will be satisfied.
What may feel right to us now may not feel that way at some other time. Moreover what feels balanced to us might feel completely unbalanced to you, and vice versa. What may feel right to you may feel wrong to someone else. Each of us has to work at defining what balance means for us, and create it from moment to moment for ourselves, for our children, and for the family as a whole, the best we can.
Nourishing, restoring moments can take many forms. It may be a quiet, dreamy time in the bath, or playing a game, telling a story, singing a song, doing something together like drawing or baking muffins, or skipping stones on the water. Renewal can come from something as simple as the quiet reassurance of being held in our arms, or in our laps. Putting aside our agendas, we can bring our awareness to the breath, keeping it slow and deep, feeling our child relax, breath naturally slowing down, finding its rhythm, in harmony with our own.
When they need to share something with us, they will feel that they can trust us and that we might understand their concerns. This requires availability and presence on our part. It also requires a healthy respect for interiority, for the inner life we can never know of someone else, and are lucky if we can recognize in ourself, and as a consequence, a healthy resolve to mind our own business. It is a delicate balance, requiring a high degree of sensitivity, discernment and patience.
Patience and presence w/o prying or probing
This widening of the psychic space between us can catalyze our own inner development as well as our children's. The quality and warmth of our connections are proportional to how much we keep a sense of appropriate boundaries, our willingness to have our older children find their own ways, and keep their own council. They may be more inclined to communicate, the less we hunger to know. This kind of spaciousness is the basis for respect and trust between parent and child. This is the part of the business that is ours to mind.
I have learned how important it is to tell people when you love them, because tomorrow is just a concept of our minds.
Making a space for deep and unpleasant emotions is as much a part of mindfulness as following the breath.
The river of grief is never as far from us or as foreign to us as we might think when we see it coursing through the heart of someone else.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Mary Oliver, "Wild Geese," Dream Work
David Wagoner, based on the Northwest Native American tradition, captures this spirit. It is what the elder might say in response to a young girl or boy who comes and asks, "What do I do when I am lost in the forest?
Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known,
The forest breathes, Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.
David Wagoner, Lost
As soon as we start attending, we are no longer lost. We are simply where we are. Where we actually are is always a good place to begin, both physically, when we've lost our bearings, and metaphorically, when it feels as if we no longer know what we are doing. Perhaps, in some way, we are always lost, to the degree that we are not fully awake. Perhaps what is most important is our willingness to be where we actually are and dwell here fully, in darkness or in light, without having to go anywhere else. Only then may be we know where to place our foot when it comes time to move.
The challenge is bringing mindfulness into our parenting, especially when it seems the darkest, when we feel the most adrift, without bearings, lost. Can we stand still right there, right then, which may be right here, right now, and be in touch with and guided by what is most basic, through our own attention?
The grief of lost opportunities, for how we were or weren't in another time, lies deep within the human psyche. It can cause us to yearn for some way to heal our children's pain and our own, and bring us closer. We are forced to acknowledge that what is past cannot be undone, only known and known deeply, felt and felt deeply, and thereby, in a glimmer of new possibility and hope, perhaps transformed by our very recognition and our acceptance. It is only in the present that new possibilities exist. Acknowledging our anguish and grief and the pain we may have caused, is part of shaping those possibilities., of giving birth to something new in ourselves, which may require the shedding of something old, however tenaciously it clings to us and we to it.
It is never too late to work toward creating healthy new connections, even if our children are distrustful of us, or angry. To be of any real value, reaching out in this way must be a genuine overture, with the well-being of our child foremost in our mind, as hard as it might be for us, accepting the possibility that irreparable damage may have been done and no reconciliation possible. We can stand in a place beyond looking for sympathy, understanding, reassurance, or affection, beyond any desire to be absolved of guilt. We can bring our attention back to the question: What is in the best interest of my child.
We need to be cognizant of the demands and stresses that they may be dealing with in their own lives. Still, when things happen that bother us, we need to pay attention and try, with sensitivity, to talk about it soon after, rather than letting things build up. As adults, they are free to say no or reject us altogether.
Begin again...
Mindfulness is all about living the lives that are ours to live. The challenge is to find ways to nourish our children and ourselves, to remain true to the quest, the hero's journey that is a human life lived in awareness, across our entire life span, and to grow into who we are and can become for each other, for ourselves, and for the world.
March 21, 2023
Il y a, de toutes évidences quand on est familière avec la pleine conscience et sa pratique quotidienne formelle et informelle, des longueurs dans ce livre. La lecture m’a par contre fait tellement de bien et je dois dire qu’il était rafraîchissant de lire un livre sur ce sujet avec des auteur(e)s ancrés dans la réalité, vraiment humbles et modestes. John et Myla y vont de leurs expériences personnelles et sont des parents, ma foi, déculpabilisants. C’est une source rare.
C’est un livre qui se veut aussi accessible à celleux qui n’ont jamais pratiqué de pleine conscience ou qui y sont novices.
C’est un livre qui se veut aussi accessible à celleux qui n’ont jamais pratiqué de pleine conscience ou qui y sont novices.
February 27, 2011
Forgive the rambling. Am writing when too tired and after a glass of wine and beer.
This is a set of topical chapters/mini-essays on various facets of parenting and how one might apply the concept of mindfulness to the parent/child relationship. I found some essays to be very powerful (the one on birth for example). I felt others were overly preachy (the authors are quite strong attachment parenting advocates and with that comes some typical Sears-esque judgmental nonsense).
If nothing else, I took away from this book a sense that it truly makes sense to live in each moment, moving through it, and experiencing it for what it is. This is clearer to me now than it ever was before I became a mother. Watching a child transform day by day and observing them experience so many things for the first time can cause you to slow down and appreciate the little miracles in everyday moments.
I think that this the book will grow on me now that I'm done with it. Reading it was, at times, a bit of a chore, or like taking vitamins. I knew it was good for me, and I knew I was gaining insight, but it was repetitive and not very clearly organized. For being about mindfulness, it also gives the concept a pretty nebulous definition, so I've found it rather difficult to explain what I've learned from the book to other people.
All that said, I think the shortcomings I found in this book mostly stem from my lack of understanding. Once I find time to learn more about a mindfulness practice, I may be able to better convey the book's message.
This is a set of topical chapters/mini-essays on various facets of parenting and how one might apply the concept of mindfulness to the parent/child relationship. I found some essays to be very powerful (the one on birth for example). I felt others were overly preachy (the authors are quite strong attachment parenting advocates and with that comes some typical Sears-esque judgmental nonsense).
If nothing else, I took away from this book a sense that it truly makes sense to live in each moment, moving through it, and experiencing it for what it is. This is clearer to me now than it ever was before I became a mother. Watching a child transform day by day and observing them experience so many things for the first time can cause you to slow down and appreciate the little miracles in everyday moments.
I think that this the book will grow on me now that I'm done with it. Reading it was, at times, a bit of a chore, or like taking vitamins. I knew it was good for me, and I knew I was gaining insight, but it was repetitive and not very clearly organized. For being about mindfulness, it also gives the concept a pretty nebulous definition, so I've found it rather difficult to explain what I've learned from the book to other people.
All that said, I think the shortcomings I found in this book mostly stem from my lack of understanding. Once I find time to learn more about a mindfulness practice, I may be able to better convey the book's message.
January 30, 2013
I'll look elsewhere for ideas about establishing discipline and setting expectations for my child, but there are some good ideas to ponder in this book. Warning: the authors come across a little judgmental, particularly about competing ideas with regard to infant care. They're very pro-attachment parenting and breastfeeding. This is a good buffet book; take what works, leave the rest.
Generally, the concept of mindfulness has be very useful to me. I recommend reading about mindfulness to anybody who has trouble with anxiety.
Generally, the concept of mindfulness has be very useful to me. I recommend reading about mindfulness to anybody who has trouble with anxiety.
October 20, 2014
A must-read for parents. Wonderful essays by both John Kabat-Zinn and his wife remind us to be joyful in the parenting journey. Throughout my pregnancies and the toddler years, I was always reading the "What to Expect" and the other top parenting books. They told me what to do for the child. But when I found this book I knew it was the missing piece I had been looking for--the emotional piece of how to care for the child and strengthen your relationship and the home. Highly recommended.
May 18, 2019
I have taken the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class that Zinn created a few years ago and have been practicing mindfulness (if not daily then in bursts) for the last few years, therefore a lot of this book was reminder and not new.
The Zinn's are clearly fans of the attachment style of parenting, and some of their comments can come across as very judgy. For me, this didn't stand in the way of my enjoyment of the book, but I can see how it could for others. (There is a whole chapter about the family bed for example)
So much of this book was extremely validating for me as it described how challenging parenting can be. Sometimes it's comforting to hear others describe such familiar parenting situations and then summarize them as difficult, yes parenting is very difficult. Some sections on various stages of parenthood I skipped as they no longer (or never) apply to me (pregnancy, infancy, etc). Some of the anecdotes or parables I read and enjoyed and some I didn't. But overall, this book was very helpful to me at this stage of my parenting life.
Some of my favorite chapters were:
Resonance, where it described how a family's energy can resonate together
Family Values, which inspired me to list the values that I think are important to us, and to then discuss those values with my children
Losing It, because yes, sometimes I do lose it in front of the kids
and the Epilogue, which details specific mindfulness practices to incorporate
The Zinn's are clearly fans of the attachment style of parenting, and some of their comments can come across as very judgy. For me, this didn't stand in the way of my enjoyment of the book, but I can see how it could for others. (There is a whole chapter about the family bed for example)
So much of this book was extremely validating for me as it described how challenging parenting can be. Sometimes it's comforting to hear others describe such familiar parenting situations and then summarize them as difficult, yes parenting is very difficult. Some sections on various stages of parenthood I skipped as they no longer (or never) apply to me (pregnancy, infancy, etc). Some of the anecdotes or parables I read and enjoyed and some I didn't. But overall, this book was very helpful to me at this stage of my parenting life.
Some of my favorite chapters were:
Resonance, where it described how a family's energy can resonate together
Family Values, which inspired me to list the values that I think are important to us, and to then discuss those values with my children
Losing It, because yes, sometimes I do lose it in front of the kids
and the Epilogue, which details specific mindfulness practices to incorporate
June 8, 2023
There's a lot of I, I, I in this book. Other books by JKZ that I've read so far did not rely so heavily on the I.
It feels like the authors keep bragging about how well they handled every single situation with their kids.
It feels like the authors keep bragging about how well they handled every single situation with their kids.
October 10, 2017
This was a tough rating for me to give. I wanted to like the book much more than I actually did.
There were great insights here, but they were always presented anecdotally with recollections from the author's experience raising their own children.
I don't want to take anything away from that, as I have a great deal of respect for Jon Kabat-Zinn, it was simply a difficult way to absorb his intentions in each of the many short chapters.
The last section presents 7 intentions of Mindful parenting, and 12 exercises, which in some ways encapsulate the thinking throughout the book. I would suggest reading this first as I feel it would have formed a better more comprehensible structure for the book.
All this being said, I did take away a few great insights to incorporate into my own parenting style. First of which is cultivating the sovereignty of my children, and also respecting their interiority. There are aspects of their life which I am neither in control of, nor owed access to.
However, after having read this book, I can't say how my mindfulness practice can act as a means of building my relationship with my children so much as help me to be a better father. A more focused look at this "inner work" of mindful parenting would have been easier to interpret and put into practice.
There were great insights here, but they were always presented anecdotally with recollections from the author's experience raising their own children.
I don't want to take anything away from that, as I have a great deal of respect for Jon Kabat-Zinn, it was simply a difficult way to absorb his intentions in each of the many short chapters.
The last section presents 7 intentions of Mindful parenting, and 12 exercises, which in some ways encapsulate the thinking throughout the book. I would suggest reading this first as I feel it would have formed a better more comprehensible structure for the book.
All this being said, I did take away a few great insights to incorporate into my own parenting style. First of which is cultivating the sovereignty of my children, and also respecting their interiority. There are aspects of their life which I am neither in control of, nor owed access to.
However, after having read this book, I can't say how my mindfulness practice can act as a means of building my relationship with my children so much as help me to be a better father. A more focused look at this "inner work" of mindful parenting would have been easier to interpret and put into practice.
October 24, 2017
Reading it feels like meditation but couldn’t help feel it is an extremely verbose book.
November 11, 2012
The Kabat-Zins take the concept of mindfullness and apply it to parenting our children. Mindfullness in this way is to be aware of what you are doing and why. It means to atune yourself to both how you are feeling AND to how the child is feeling and WHY the behavior is being shown. By being grounded in ourselves, we can parent from a steadfast position, not being sucked in to the drama but observing it and trying to understand what is wanted underneath the turmoil.
Of course mindful parenting is also to think ahead of the game and decide how and why you are going to deal with things before they happen. The Kabat-Zinns are believers of attachment parenting, but at the same time don't want the reader to do it 'just because' but to carry and hold the baby because the parent believes it is most advantageous to the child. In other words, if you have a sore back today, maybe carrying the child is not a good thing today. Be aware of what you are doing and why. Sleep-deprivation in the short -term may be just the sacrifice a parent needs to make in order to care for a cranky child. But using a family bed may solve both the need to be close to the baby and get sleep yourself. Do the best you can and be open to growth in yourself also.
Mindful parenting allows children their own 'sovereignity'- the ability to be who they REALLY are. Realness is more important to a mindful parent than 'being good'. Children need to be able to express ALL their feelings, not just the 'good' ones, if they are to grow up with a healthy sense of self. By being able to handle their realness, we teach them to grow, express their needs and understand who they really are. This also may mean having to explain to a child that the way they handled a feeling needs improvement (ie. yelling at a teacher), but the feeling is validated ( good that you tried to explain yourself to the teacher. Next time try a quieter voice).
Mindful parenting means setting boundries and rules, not permissiveness but not authoritarianism either. Family values are thought-out and rules based on these values are negotiated with the family members - more than once as children grow and change. Values are practiced by the parents so the children see their example, rather than being told what they 'should' be doing/ not doing.
Finally mindful parenting also means letting go and realizing that our children will grow up and be who they want to be. They may make choices and decisions that are against what they have been taught. Parenting well has no guarentees.
We can only do the best with what we know at each stage of our lives. Mindful parenting means starting where we are and by growing more attuned to and aware of our selves and thoughts thru quiet times and meditations, we can become more aware of our children's needs also. Mindful parents know that they make mistakes and sometimes 'lose it' but use those opportunities to reflect on what happened and how it can be different next time. They are not afraid to apologize to their children when needed.
I enjoyed reading this book. It's set-up into small essays makes it easy to pick up and put down. The lack of a normal-sized border at the top was a little odd, tho.
Of course mindful parenting is also to think ahead of the game and decide how and why you are going to deal with things before they happen. The Kabat-Zinns are believers of attachment parenting, but at the same time don't want the reader to do it 'just because' but to carry and hold the baby because the parent believes it is most advantageous to the child. In other words, if you have a sore back today, maybe carrying the child is not a good thing today. Be aware of what you are doing and why. Sleep-deprivation in the short -term may be just the sacrifice a parent needs to make in order to care for a cranky child. But using a family bed may solve both the need to be close to the baby and get sleep yourself. Do the best you can and be open to growth in yourself also.
Mindful parenting allows children their own 'sovereignity'- the ability to be who they REALLY are. Realness is more important to a mindful parent than 'being good'. Children need to be able to express ALL their feelings, not just the 'good' ones, if they are to grow up with a healthy sense of self. By being able to handle their realness, we teach them to grow, express their needs and understand who they really are. This also may mean having to explain to a child that the way they handled a feeling needs improvement (ie. yelling at a teacher), but the feeling is validated ( good that you tried to explain yourself to the teacher. Next time try a quieter voice).
Mindful parenting means setting boundries and rules, not permissiveness but not authoritarianism either. Family values are thought-out and rules based on these values are negotiated with the family members - more than once as children grow and change. Values are practiced by the parents so the children see their example, rather than being told what they 'should' be doing/ not doing.
Finally mindful parenting also means letting go and realizing that our children will grow up and be who they want to be. They may make choices and decisions that are against what they have been taught. Parenting well has no guarentees.
We can only do the best with what we know at each stage of our lives. Mindful parenting means starting where we are and by growing more attuned to and aware of our selves and thoughts thru quiet times and meditations, we can become more aware of our children's needs also. Mindful parents know that they make mistakes and sometimes 'lose it' but use those opportunities to reflect on what happened and how it can be different next time. They are not afraid to apologize to their children when needed.
I enjoyed reading this book. It's set-up into small essays makes it easy to pick up and put down. The lack of a normal-sized border at the top was a little odd, tho.
August 5, 2022
A beautifully written book about mindful parenting through all stages of childhood, the teenage years and adulthood. I will be revisiting this time and time again. Highly recommend!
August 28, 2008
I'm not actually done reading this book, but I'm not reading it all at once, either, so to keep it from forever languishing on the "currently-reading" shelf, I'll write about the first third or so.
I like the concept of this book, that one can and should bring a sense of calm and reflection to parenting situations, and that if you pay attention to yourself as you interact with your child, instead of simply reacting (to, say, an entire photo album of pre-digital beloved pictures being spread by your toddler on the not-exactly-clean-or-dry kitchen floor in the 30 seconds it took you to take a pot off the stove and dump the pasta into a colander, not that I have any personal experience to draw on!), both you and the child will benefit. It's a lovely sentiment, which I mean sincerely. [Nice, deep breath here.]
The book is only okay, though, because the writing is somewhat odd--it's a husband-wife team, and they take turns writing sections, which they indicate by placing their initials after "I." Despite my fondness for initials in general, I find this incredibly distracting and annoying in the middle of a sentence (which gives me an opportunity to work on mindfulness, I suppose). The MLA devotee in me wants to gently suggest the "citation" go at the end of the sentence, or at least at the end of a phrase, thankyouverymuch...
So I might not finish it, but it's not bad at the content level.
I like the concept of this book, that one can and should bring a sense of calm and reflection to parenting situations, and that if you pay attention to yourself as you interact with your child, instead of simply reacting (to, say, an entire photo album of pre-digital beloved pictures being spread by your toddler on the not-exactly-clean-or-dry kitchen floor in the 30 seconds it took you to take a pot off the stove and dump the pasta into a colander, not that I have any personal experience to draw on!), both you and the child will benefit. It's a lovely sentiment, which I mean sincerely. [Nice, deep breath here.]
The book is only okay, though, because the writing is somewhat odd--it's a husband-wife team, and they take turns writing sections, which they indicate by placing their initials after "I." Despite my fondness for initials in general, I find this incredibly distracting and annoying in the middle of a sentence (which gives me an opportunity to work on mindfulness, I suppose). The MLA devotee in me wants to gently suggest the "citation" go at the end of the sentence, or at least at the end of a phrase, thankyouverymuch...
So I might not finish it, but it's not bad at the content level.
July 8, 2016
A must-read for anyone who has kids! Similar to The Conscious Parent, by Shefali Tsabary which I reviewed before (https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...), this book helps parents to approach parenting from a mindful, conscious place, as opposed to following rules, or laying down the law. This is not a WHAT-TO-DO manual, but more of a HOW-TO group of chapters. There's lots of examples of Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn's own children, and also others, ranging from pregnancy and birth to teenager and older kids.
I did find it a tad heavy and long at times, but there's nuggets of gold scattered through out the book.
I did find it a tad heavy and long at times, but there's nuggets of gold scattered through out the book.
June 9, 2020
I have a background in Vipassana meditation starting from my childhood, so I was excited about this "Mindfulness for Parents" tome. Unfortunately, I found the format of meandering advice with few (or very short) examples unfulfilling. I just felt like it didn't have enough real life examples, and the tips it did have ended up being fairly vague. I think I'm spoiled by all the modern parenting books that have succinct writing, concrete situations and straight-forward advice. I would have been better off just buying a meditation book I believe.
March 24, 2008
One of my most favorite books of all time! I bought a copy for myself for mother's day. It is an absolutely amazing book, and I wish I could say it's a must read for every parent... But I know people just won't get it. But this book is so good -- and has helped me be a better parent and wife. I keep going back to it, reading it over and over, trying to keep my mindful practice in full swing. Definitely worth every penny.
October 19, 2009
This book is a wonderful addition to a parenting library. I find the whole thing hard, hard work for me (mindfulness in general, mindfulness in parenting), but something about their writing (Jon and his wife Myla) really speaks to me.
I first read this book long ago (guessing when) and then re-read it this past summer after attending a workshop with JKZ (where Myla was attending as well). It was a treat just to be in their presence.
I first read this book long ago (guessing when) and then re-read it this past summer after attending a workshop with JKZ (where Myla was attending as well). It was a treat just to be in their presence.
February 7, 2011
This is a lovely book, full of reminders about children's (well, everyone's) need for sovereignty, parents' call to try to see and situations from a child's perspective (rather than expecting the child to behave the "appropriate" way), and the completeness of each child as a whole person regardless of age (i.e. not treating a 2-year-old with less respect because he is ruled by a 2-year-old's passions, or expecting him to act as though those passions aren't there).
December 23, 2011
Great book! So many great ideas about gracious, intentional parenting between these two covers. Very real and authentic...the authors practice buddhism, so there inevitably were a couple of ideas that conflicted with my core faith beliefs, however I would say that pretty much everything that the authors wrote dovetailed nicely with my own very strong belief that children should be parented with love, dignity and consideration.
December 2, 2019
Être Parent en Pleine conscience 🥰
كن مُربِّيا بكامل وعيك 🥰
إليك خلاصة ما تعلمت من هذا الكتاب..
_______________________
_ كيف تتمنى أن يكون طفلك؟
_ أفضل شخص في العالم!
أعتقد أن إجابة كهذه قد يُجمع عليها كل آباء العالم على مدار السنين.. الكل يتمنى أن يكون طفله الأفضل و الأجمل و الأسعد و لكن الكثيرين منا عاجزون على جعل أطفالهم سعداء و طيبين و لو بحدٍّ أدنى و هذا لأنهم لا يمارسون دورهم التربوي بكامل وعيهم.. الوعي يعني الحضور، الإنتباه و الملاحظة.. أن تراقب طفلك و تفاعلاته، أن تعلم نقاط قوته و تركز عليها و أن تعي نقاط ضعفه و تدعمه حتى يتغلب عليها، أن تنصت إليه عندما يتكلم و تنظر في عينيه عندما يعبر، أن تستشعر مشاعره من ملامحه و تعيش معه تفاصيل قد تبدو مملّة بالنّسبة لك رغم أن فيها كلَّ الأهميّة بالنسبة له.. قد يبدو هذا بديهيا لكن الحضور أمر يتطلّب المحاولة و المثابرة و التكرار.. و قبل البحث عن السبل و الأفكار لدعم الطفل أكثر لا بد من البدء بالداخل و تهيئة نفسك، عزيزي المربي، لتستطيع التّأثير بطفلك..
من أجل ذلك، اسمح لي أن أذكر لك بعض النقاط التي تساعدك على استرجاع توازنك كلما فقدت البوصلة:
أولا، التقبل.. أن تتقبل عزيزي المربي أنك إنسان يخطئ و يصيب، قد تمرّ بنوع من الضغط النفسي أو البدني مما يؤثر على آدائك، قد تجهل مفاتيحا تسهل عليك التعامل مع أطفالك، قد لا تجد التّجاوب و التّعاون من المحيطين بك.. تقبّل كلّ ذلك و هوّن على نفسك.. فكل تغيير عظيم يتطلب جهدا و صبرا و عملا مستمرا.. و مع ذلك فلن تصل للمثالية فهي تنافي طبيعتك البشرية.. تقبل انسانيتك ففي ذلك سلامك الداخلي..
ثانيا، العودة للحظة.. تعلَّم، عزيزي المربي، أن تعود سريعا للحظة الراهنة بالتركيز على التنفس.. لا داعي أبدا لاجترار موقف أغضبك أو تقصير نَدِمت عليه أو سلوك كان يجدر بك أن لا تفعله.. ما كان قد كان فاكتف منه بالعبرة و عد إلى هنا لتكون أفضل فيما سيكون..
ثالثا، التوقف عن إصدار الأحكام.. أنا عصبي، إبني غبيّ، فلان حقود، و آخر بخيل.. أرجوك توقف! أنت تدفع ثمن كل حكم تصدره.. فتع��ز الصفات التي تنعت بها طفلك و نفسك.. و تأهّل نفسك لإكتساب ما تنعت به غيرك..
الآن و قد هيأت نفسك لدور المربي، اسمح لي أن أقترح بعض النقاط الواجب وعيها من أجل صحة طفلك النفسية أولا و من أجل آداء أفضل في دورك العظيم كمربي:
أولا، من الحمل الى الولادة فالتربية: قد تبدء الرحلة قبل ذلك لمن يسعى لتهيئة نفسه و لكن الرحلة الفعلية تبدء من الحمل.. عزيزتي الأم، بين أحشائك كائن حي، يسمعك عندما تتكلمين، و يشعر بك عندما تتألمين أو تضحكين.. عزيزتي الأم، لامسيه، خاطبيه، تخيليه، غني له أغنية أو أقرئي له كتابا، أخبريه بأنك تنتظرينه بشوق، استشعري نموه البطيء داخلك.. كل هذه المشاعر و التفاعلات تضع حجر الأساس في علاقتك بهذا الطفل.. عزيزي الأب، لست في إستثناء أبدا فصوتك أيضا مسموع و حبك حاجة لا غنى عنها يستشعرها طفلك منذ أسابيعه الأولى في رحم أمه.. أما الولادة فهي لحظة بداية جديدة لكم جميعا.. انتظريها عزيزتي الأم بحب، و حاولي ان تبني أفكارا جديدة غير تلك التي تسمعينها و التي تجعل من هذه اللحظة المقدسة كابوسا يلاحقك.. و أما التربية فهي رحلة حياة، تبنيها، عزيزي المربي، حجرا حجرا.. اجعل التربية رسالة مقدسة تعيش من أجلها سنوات طويلة و لا تنظر لها بسطحية كما لو كانت عبئا ثقيلا تقتصر على الإطعام و الإسكان.. أنت يا صديقي تبني نفسا بشرية و تصقل نفسك بالتوازي لتخرج أحسن ما فيك..
ثانيا، التوفيق بين احتياجات الآباء و الأبناء.. قد تختار الطريق السهل أحيانا ظانا أنك تسعى لراحة طفلك لكنك تفعل من أجلك أنت.. فإذا قبلت بوضع رضيعك أمام التلفاز لساعات مدعيا أنه يهدأ فاعلم أنك آثرت تغييبه لكي تقوم بأشياء أخرى.. إذا فضلت الحليب الاصطناعي على حليبك عزيزتي الأم فاعلمي أنك حرمته خيرا وفيرا من أجل حريتك ربما أو المحافظة على شكلك أو أي شيء آخر.. أن يفكر الآباء براحتهم الجسدية و النفسية هذا مهم بل غاية في الأهمية لكن أرجوك أيها المربي، انتبه لاحتياجات طفلك و اعطيها حقها فسرعان ما يكبر الأطفال و تتغير متطلباتهم و احتياجاتهم..
ثالثا، الاختيار و التعبير عن الذات و المشاعر: أن تكون مربّيا واعيا يعني أن تنتبه لمختلف المشاعر التي قد تطرأ على طفلك.. شجعه على التعبير عنها و التفطن لها.. علمه أن يعبر عن رأيه و أفكاره و يقدم نفسه، شجعه على الإختيار و افتح له المجال للنقاش.. تشاور معه و احترم وجهات نظره و الأهم لا تنتظر عمرا معينا للبدء في ثقافة التشاور و النقاش فالأطفال يكبرون بسرعة و قد لا تتفطن للوقت المناسب.. ابدأ مبكرا و ستتطور مهاراته بشكل مذهل..
رابعا، تبادل الأدوار، أنا أتعب من أجلك، أنا أشقى من أجل رخائك، أنا أحرم نفسي لأوفر لك... توقف أرجوك! لا تجعل طفلك يشعر أنه سبب شقائك و عنائك و أنه مسؤول على ما يلحق بك من مرض أو تعب أو نقص.. تذكر أنك سبب وجوده و أنك المسؤول عن رخائه بكل الحب..
خامسا، أحط ابنك بالحياة.. سبل الرفاهية في عصرنا عديدة لكن الطفل في غنى عن تعقيداتها.. الطفل كائن بسيط يحتاج لحضن دافئ، للمسة حنونة، لنظرة شغوفة.. عانقيه، لامسيه، قبليه، كلميه.. أعطه من وقتك جزءا خالصا له و لا تستسلمي للسرعة من حولك.. ذكري نفسك أن كل شيء يؤجل غير أن الوقت يعني العمر و أن صغيرك لن يعود طفلا مجددا..
سادسا، لا ترفع سقف التوقعات.. ستصيب و تخطئ، ستنجح في ترسيخ سلوك و ستفشل في آخر، ستعلم ابنك طريقة في التعامل و ستجده يطبق أخرى، ستحاول و تحاول و تحاول في كل يوم محاولات كثيرة.. لا تتوقع أن تكون الأمور بسيطة و سهلة دائما.. تعلم كل يوم و حاول كل يوم و ستنجح في الأخير..
سابعا، لم يفت الأوان بعد،.. مهما كان الوقت الذي تقرر فيه بداية صفحة جديدة مع طفلك، كن على يقين بأنه الوقت المناسب.. قد تحتاج جهدا أكبر، قد يُختبر صبرك أكثر.. لا تيأس ابدأ من جديد فالتربية رحلة عظيمة تستحق أن تخوضها بكل وعي و حب..
في الأخير، ليست هناك قواعد و قوانين فلكل طفل كيان و لكل مربي أسلوب و التجربة يجب أن تكون متفردة لتكون فريدة لكن ما يجمع بين كل ما قيل هو "الحب" أحب دورك كمربي و أحب الرسالة العظيمة التي تؤديها.. اسمح لنفسك أن تكون الداعم لطفلك في كل وقت وحين و اسمح لطفلك أن يكون هو كما يريد ان يكون..
__________________
#_كن_مربيا_بكامل_وعيك #_etre_parent_en_pleine_conscience
#_مما_قرأت #_سناء_العميني #_الأطفال
كن مُربِّيا بكامل وعيك 🥰
إليك خلاصة ما تعلمت من هذا الكتاب..
_______________________
_ كيف تتمنى أن يكون طفلك؟
_ أفضل شخص في العالم!
أعتقد أن إجابة كهذه قد يُجمع عليها كل آباء العالم على مدار السنين.. الكل يتمنى أن يكون طفله الأفضل و الأجمل و الأسعد و لكن الكثيرين منا عاجزون على جعل أطفالهم سعداء و طيبين و لو بحدٍّ أدنى و هذا لأنهم لا يمارسون دورهم التربوي بكامل وعيهم.. الوعي يعني الحضور، الإنتباه و الملاحظة.. أن تراقب طفلك و تفاعلاته، أن تعلم نقاط قوته و تركز عليها و أن تعي نقاط ضعفه و تدعمه حتى يتغلب عليها، أن تنصت إليه عندما يتكلم و تنظر في عينيه عندما يعبر، أن تستشعر مشاعره من ملامحه و تعيش معه تفاصيل قد تبدو مملّة بالنّسبة لك رغم أن فيها كلَّ الأهميّة بالنسبة له.. قد يبدو هذا بديهيا لكن الحضور أمر يتطلّب المحاولة و المثابرة و التكرار.. و قبل البحث عن السبل و الأفكار لدعم الطفل أكثر لا بد من البدء بالداخل و تهيئة نفسك، عزيزي المربي، لتستطيع التّأثير بطفلك..
من أجل ذلك، اسمح لي أن أذكر لك بعض النقاط التي تساعدك على استرجاع توازنك كلما فقدت البوصلة:
أولا، التقبل.. أن تتقبل عزيزي المربي أنك إنسان يخطئ و يصيب، قد تمرّ بنوع من الضغط النفسي أو البدني مما يؤثر على آدائك، قد تجهل مفاتيحا تسهل عليك التعامل مع أطفالك، قد لا تجد التّجاوب و التّعاون من المحيطين بك.. تقبّل كلّ ذلك و هوّن على نفسك.. فكل تغيير عظيم يتطلب جهدا و صبرا و عملا مستمرا.. و مع ذلك فلن تصل للمثالية فهي تنافي طبيعتك البشرية.. تقبل انسانيتك ففي ذلك سلامك الداخلي..
ثانيا، العودة للحظة.. تعلَّم، عزيزي المربي، أن تعود سريعا للحظة الراهنة بالتركيز على التنفس.. لا داعي أبدا لاجترار موقف أغضبك أو تقصير نَدِمت عليه أو سلوك كان يجدر بك أن لا تفعله.. ما كان قد كان فاكتف منه بالعبرة و عد إلى هنا لتكون أفضل فيما سيكون..
ثالثا، التوقف عن إصدار الأحكام.. أنا عصبي، إبني غبيّ، فلان حقود، و آخر بخيل.. أرجوك توقف! أنت تدفع ثمن كل حكم تصدره.. فتع��ز الصفات التي تنعت بها طفلك و نفسك.. و تأهّل نفسك لإكتساب ما تنعت به غيرك..
الآن و قد هيأت نفسك لدور المربي، اسمح لي أن أقترح بعض النقاط الواجب وعيها من أجل صحة طفلك النفسية أولا و من أجل آداء أفضل في دورك العظيم كمربي:
أولا، من الحمل الى الولادة فالتربية: قد تبدء الرحلة قبل ذلك لمن يسعى لتهيئة نفسه و لكن الرحلة الفعلية تبدء من الحمل.. عزيزتي الأم، بين أحشائك كائن حي، يسمعك عندما تتكلمين، و يشعر بك عندما تتألمين أو تضحكين.. عزيزتي الأم، لامسيه، خاطبيه، تخيليه، غني له أغنية أو أقرئي له كتابا، أخبريه بأنك تنتظرينه بشوق، استشعري نموه البطيء داخلك.. كل هذه المشاعر و التفاعلات تضع حجر الأساس في علاقتك بهذا الطفل.. عزيزي الأب، لست في إستثناء أبدا فصوتك أيضا مسموع و حبك حاجة لا غنى عنها يستشعرها طفلك منذ أسابيعه الأولى في رحم أمه.. أما الولادة فهي لحظة بداية جديدة لكم جميعا.. انتظريها عزيزتي الأم بحب، و حاولي ان تبني أفكارا جديدة غير تلك التي تسمعينها و التي تجعل من هذه اللحظة المقدسة كابوسا يلاحقك.. و أما التربية فهي رحلة حياة، تبنيها، عزيزي المربي، حجرا حجرا.. اجعل التربية رسالة مقدسة تعيش من أجلها سنوات طويلة و لا تنظر لها بسطحية كما لو كانت عبئا ثقيلا تقتصر على الإطعام و الإسكان.. أنت يا صديقي تبني نفسا بشرية و تصقل نفسك بالتوازي لتخرج أحسن ما فيك..
ثانيا، التوفيق بين احتياجات الآباء و الأبناء.. قد تختار الطريق السهل أحيانا ظانا أنك تسعى لراحة طفلك لكنك تفعل من أجلك أنت.. فإذا قبلت بوضع رضيعك أمام التلفاز لساعات مدعيا أنه يهدأ فاعلم أنك آثرت تغييبه لكي تقوم بأشياء أخرى.. إذا فضلت الحليب الاصطناعي على حليبك عزيزتي الأم فاعلمي أنك حرمته خيرا وفيرا من أجل حريتك ربما أو المحافظة على شكلك أو أي شيء آخر.. أن يفكر الآباء براحتهم الجسدية و النفسية هذا مهم بل غاية في الأهمية لكن أرجوك أيها المربي، انتبه لاحتياجات طفلك و اعطيها حقها فسرعان ما يكبر الأطفال و تتغير متطلباتهم و احتياجاتهم..
ثالثا، الاختيار و التعبير عن الذات و المشاعر: أن تكون مربّيا واعيا يعني أن تنتبه لمختلف المشاعر التي قد تطرأ على طفلك.. شجعه على التعبير عنها و التفطن لها.. علمه أن يعبر عن رأيه و أفكاره و يقدم نفسه، شجعه على الإختيار و افتح له المجال للنقاش.. تشاور معه و احترم وجهات نظره و الأهم لا تنتظر عمرا معينا للبدء في ثقافة التشاور و النقاش فالأطفال يكبرون بسرعة و قد لا تتفطن للوقت المناسب.. ابدأ مبكرا و ستتطور مهاراته بشكل مذهل..
رابعا، تبادل الأدوار، أنا أتعب من أجلك، أنا أشقى من أجل رخائك، أنا أحرم نفسي لأوفر لك... توقف أرجوك! لا تجعل طفلك يشعر أنه سبب شقائك و عنائك و أنه مسؤول على ما يلحق بك من مرض أو تعب أو نقص.. تذكر أنك سبب وجوده و أنك المسؤول عن رخائه بكل الحب..
خامسا، أحط ابنك بالحياة.. سبل الرفاهية في عصرنا عديدة لكن الطفل في غنى عن تعقيداتها.. الطفل كائن بسيط يحتاج لحضن دافئ، للمسة حنونة، لنظرة شغوفة.. عانقيه، لامسيه، قبليه، كلميه.. أعطه من وقتك جزءا خالصا له و لا تستسلمي للسرعة من حولك.. ذكري نفسك أن كل شيء يؤجل غير أن الوقت يعني العمر و أن صغيرك لن يعود طفلا مجددا..
سادسا، لا ترفع سقف التوقعات.. ستصيب و تخطئ، ستنجح في ترسيخ سلوك و ستفشل في آخر، ستعلم ابنك طريقة في التعامل و ستجده يطبق أخرى، ستحاول و تحاول و تحاول في كل يوم محاولات كثيرة.. لا تتوقع أن تكون الأمور بسيطة و سهلة دائما.. تعلم كل يوم و حاول كل يوم و ستنجح في الأخير..
سابعا، لم يفت الأوان بعد،.. مهما كان الوقت الذي تقرر فيه بداية صفحة جديدة مع طفلك، كن على يقين بأنه الوقت المناسب.. قد تحتاج جهدا أكبر، قد يُختبر صبرك أكثر.. لا تيأس ابدأ من جديد فالتربية رحلة عظيمة تستحق أن تخوضها بكل وعي و حب..
في الأخير، ليست هناك قواعد و قوانين فلكل طفل كيان و لكل مربي أسلوب و التجربة يجب أن تكون متفردة لتكون فريدة لكن ما يجمع بين كل ما قيل هو "الحب" أحب دورك كمربي و أحب الرسالة العظيمة التي تؤديها.. اسمح لنفسك أن تكون الداعم لطفلك في كل وقت وحين و اسمح لطفلك أن يكون هو كما يريد ان يكون..
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#_كن_مربيا_بكامل_وعيك #_etre_parent_en_pleine_conscience
#_مما_قرأت #_سناء_العميني #_الأطفال
September 13, 2017
Ci sono due mode che proprio, negli ultimi anni, non mi vanno giù: la prima è il mammaremale. Per chi non lo conosce è l'esaltazione felice (e spero abbastanza finta) del fregarsene dei figli, del parcheggiarli ai nonni alla baby sitter, al vicino, al primo che passa, del fingere indifferenza quando in un negozio urlano come indemoniati, quando al ristorante lanciano le posate e si rincorrono tra le gambe del cameriere, quando al parco si rotolano nel fango che manco peppa pig.
La seconda, all'estremo opposto, è la distorta estremizzazione del pensiero montessoriano/steineriano che di solito si accoppia ad altre tendenze quali la talebanizzazione della tetta (leggasi allattamento fino a 12 anni), il biologico/naturale (che il più delle volte corrisponde a comprare solo giochi di legno proveniente da una foresta vergine del Madagascar, colorato a mano con colori naturali estratti da un fiore del Perù, giochi ovviamente importati in Italia da aziende che non usano carburante inquinante ma solo barche a remi e biciclette - Babbo Natale gli fa una pippa - ), l'antivaccinismo, l'omeopatia ed altri ammenicoli vari.
Orbene questo libro, molto moolto mooolto stile new age, parla dei figli e dei genitori per circa 30 pagine, poi vira sulla meditazione, sul pensiero, sulla meditazione e sul pensiero e poi sul pensiero e la meditazione.
Se siete veramente genitori che mammanomale nessun problema: tanto non leggerete mai un manuale sul come crescere ed educare i figli, non avete tempo da sprecare per mettervi in discussione, inutile quindi che vi dica di evitare questo libro.
Se siete genitori bioomeovegansolidali non ne avete bisogno: avete già tante idee raffazzonate e distorte e confuse in testa che una in più non serve.
Se siete genitori normali leggerlo non servirà a nulla ma non vi farà male.
La seconda, all'estremo opposto, è la distorta estremizzazione del pensiero montessoriano/steineriano che di solito si accoppia ad altre tendenze quali la talebanizzazione della tetta (leggasi allattamento fino a 12 anni), il biologico/naturale (che il più delle volte corrisponde a comprare solo giochi di legno proveniente da una foresta vergine del Madagascar, colorato a mano con colori naturali estratti da un fiore del Perù, giochi ovviamente importati in Italia da aziende che non usano carburante inquinante ma solo barche a remi e biciclette - Babbo Natale gli fa una pippa - ), l'antivaccinismo, l'omeopatia ed altri ammenicoli vari.
Orbene questo libro, molto moolto mooolto stile new age, parla dei figli e dei genitori per circa 30 pagine, poi vira sulla meditazione, sul pensiero, sulla meditazione e sul pensiero e poi sul pensiero e la meditazione.
Se siete veramente genitori che mammanomale nessun problema: tanto non leggerete mai un manuale sul come crescere ed educare i figli, non avete tempo da sprecare per mettervi in discussione, inutile quindi che vi dica di evitare questo libro.
Se siete genitori bioomeovegansolidali non ne avete bisogno: avete già tante idee raffazzonate e distorte e confuse in testa che una in più non serve.
Se siete genitori normali leggerlo non servirà a nulla ma non vi farà male.
January 14, 2018
i am putting this book to rest even though i haven't completed it. J Kabat Zinn's teaching on mindfulness for me is formative. In this book, M Kabat Zinn translates that deep skill of attention to the art of parenting. The book itself is sometimes odd: there is an entire chapter with Camelot knights as allegory that confused me more than illuminated; some disgruntled complaints about sleep training and bottle feeding; and the authors alternate their voices to strange effect. But the fundamental teaching is sound and moving: that children are people of their own. A key insight was that one should pause to consider if one is projecting one's own inner storms and struggles on to a child, rather than pausing to observe a situation for what it is, or a child for the person that they are. Of course to know if you are projecting your inner storms means you must know your own inner storms, which requires developing your own mind and mindfulness. The book articulates for me that it is indeed difficult to discern when it is right to play the right role in parenting (of comforter, teacher, protector, when to intervene, when to step back) in what situation, and that this good judgement is hard-won wisdom that must be achieved with observation, compassion and ongoing practice, just as in the rest of our lives. I will continue to read snippets of this at a time, and although I think a clever editor could cut it down to half its size, it is has been very useful and insightful.
July 3, 2018
Wonderful reminders and tools for parents.
I’ve always used meditation to focus, appreciate life and deal with stress. There’s nothing more stressful than a child, especially one with autism, so this book was a fabulous reminder about being present for him and respecting his sovereignty. We must do so much therapy and homework everyday to prepare him for a life full of challenges, but we play as hard as we work. I’ve always placed him first but sometimes forget in the business of life to appreciate each moment with him instead of always working to improve his future. Being present for him as much as I can be gas helped us grow incredibly close and helped him understand that everything I do for him, even the unfun bits, is out of love. This book is a meditation itself—be patient with it and it will be worthwhile as well.
I’ve always used meditation to focus, appreciate life and deal with stress. There’s nothing more stressful than a child, especially one with autism, so this book was a fabulous reminder about being present for him and respecting his sovereignty. We must do so much therapy and homework everyday to prepare him for a life full of challenges, but we play as hard as we work. I’ve always placed him first but sometimes forget in the business of life to appreciate each moment with him instead of always working to improve his future. Being present for him as much as I can be gas helped us grow incredibly close and helped him understand that everything I do for him, even the unfun bits, is out of love. This book is a meditation itself—be patient with it and it will be worthwhile as well.
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