Micromessaging: Why Great Leadership is Beyond Words

by Stephen Young

Should you sweat the small stuff? Absolutely, says Stephen Young-especially when it comes to those critical behaviors that can make or break performance. The reason is no matter what you think you're saying, your words, gestures, and tone of voice can actually communicate something entirely different. Too often, negative micromessages undermine morale, business opportunities, and ultimately your organization. Micromessaging examines the nuanced behaviors that we all blindly use and react to in our dealings with others. Yet as Young points out, these micromessages can reveal a lot about our own-and our superiors'-biases and preconceived notions. Learning how to constructively address these behaviors can bring about positive change. Young offers a common language for encouraging open discussion in the workplace, along with skills to identify and address familiar micromessages; tools for deploying microadvantages; and real-life workplace scenarios, self-assessments, and solutions that help readers interpret and alter ingrained behaviors and their effects. He delivers valuable information on

Genres: Leadership, Business, Self Help, Nonfiction, Communication

224 pages, Hardcover

First published October 24, 2006

Reviews

[Ali Hawk · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not enjoy this book. It became quite repetitive and was honestly a struggle to get through. Furthermore, the examples with women were forced and scarce throughout.. Long story short, I noticed the author’s micromessage leaning towards men as leaders.

[Billie Pritchett · Rating 2 out of 5]

I delayed writing about Micromessaging for a handful of days, and I've already forgotten the bulk of the content. Suffice it to say that the book's message is that the small signals you send in work and life convey to people a mood, and it could adequately convey it or it could cause a misread on the part of the person who sees you. I don't remember being impressed by what to do to keep from sending these signals apart from unsystematic truisms. Could be my failure.

[Sumit · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book at an abbreviated version of Dr. Young's in-person seminar, on which this book is based, and left mostly unimpressed - while he had talked a big game about how this training, as opposed to typical unconscious bias training with it's "wow that's interesting but now what do I do" effect, would provide actionable means with which to counter bias in the workplace by virtue of arming us with the language of microinequities, with which one could supposedly call out behaviors as they happened. Many of his observations seemed right on, but the mechanism of change seemed somewhat unrealistic - why would someone who exhibited these behaviors feel the need to change them just because you called them out with a bunch of new terms?

I resisted the book initially given this impression, but decided to give it a chance, and I'm very glad I did. While long-winded and redundant in style, this book answers that question in a way his seminar did not*. Fundamentally, he argues, the reason someone should feel this need is *not* out of "being nice" or any other appeal to fairness, conscience, or social justice. This came as a surprise, as intuitively we often feel the latter is the best way to make progress - however, those of us who work in this space knows it works with some and not at all with others. This is particularly frustrating when the latter group includes those with substantial power in an organization - their influence on the organization's culture is huge. Instead, Dr. Young argues, the reason someone like this should feel this need is because they want to be effective as leaders. If they truly desire to get 100% from their team, get the very best work from every person, inspire loyalty and confidence, achieve outstanding results, and as a result succeed in their own careers, it is critical that they act in a way that engenders this respect. Dr. Young makes a strong case for how biased behaviors can take the wind out of the sails of the best performers; even if someone is not the target of biased behavior, others will see this happening and lose respect for them. As I read this, I reflected that in fact I have seen many leaders lose support over time with behaviors like this (where the "in" and "out" crowds are defined along a wide variety of boundaries, not necessarily race or gender); it begins with growing murmurs of discontent and mistrust, and before long the team won't have their back when moments of crisis occur.

This has been such an interesting perspective and so different with how I've thought about the problem thus far it has left me deep in thought, still thinking about what the implications are for how we teach and talk about bias. As such, despite the somewhat frustrating writing style and copious typos, the book conveys an important message, one I will be thinking about for some time.

*to be fair, the full-length version of his seminar likely emphasizes this more.

[Tamara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely enlightening. All about how it's not what you say but how you say it.

Favorite Quotes/Ideas:

Questions are far more effective than defensive statements. They do not imply agreement, but they do convey interest and a desire to understand and facilitate an environment for peak performance, a central thread of effective leadership.

Micromessages include: facial expression, tone of voice, hand gestures, choice of words, eye contact, questions/interaction, emphasis, etc.

Using the same behavior (or equal but different) with everyone will throw off their ability to think you're sending hidden messages with your behavior.

Consider the difference in tone and wording in these two sentences: "Jake, we don't have anymore of those hot chocolate packets, do we?" versus "Jake, I have a guest who would really like one of those hot chocolate packets. Would you please check and bring one to me when you find it?"

Consider the difference between the following:
I didn't say she stole the book.
I didn't say she stole the book.
I didn't say she stole the book.
I didn't say she stole the book.
I didn't say she stole the book.
I didn't say she stole the book.

The receiver has the primary responsibility for resolving a potential misinterpretation. The receiver must take the initiative and verbalize how a particular message was interpreted, facilitating a process that will validate the accuracy of the message. The receiver of the message passes the baton. The sender of the message becomes responsible for confirming or modifying the message to make clear what was intended.

[It:] is not about being nice. It is about sending messages that are clear, direct, and fair...It is about making sure that each employee is managed in a way that brings out his or her full potential in support of the company.

Ask questions. Misunderstandings can be cleared up when you identify and clarify differences in business practices and communication styles.

[Charles Carlies · Rating 5 out of 5]

I find it interesting how often I see people stating that the book overly states the obvious and yet how often do we experience exactly the pitfalls in communication the book opens our minds to.

Another flaw in what people say when providing a review is the idea of "it's not what you say but how you say it". I don't get that from the book. The message from the book is how you feel comes across in what you say no matter how careful you are in the words you use. Being aware of your feelings seems to be the greatest message of this book and to ignore those feelings, pretending you can hide them, is a flaw in the human ego.

I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in being a leader, not just a manager.

[Nicholas Heinz · Rating 4 out of 5]

In every conversation there is a message sender and a message recipient. What the sender intends to convey often differs from the message's interpretation. And message senders communicate with more than just words. Micromessages are the underlying messages that reveal a person's true feelings. They come in the form of microinequities (which make the recipient feel less worthy than others), microadvantages (which encourage the recipient and boost self-esteem) and microdeceptions (a.k.a. pandering or brown-nosing).

Be cognizant of the micromessages you send to others, and which others send to you; and know that microinequities cause people to shut down while microadvantages help them to live up to their potential by giving them confidence and a sense of capability.

Being cognizant of micromessages - and focusing on not sending microinequities while sending microadvantages - is NOT about being fair or treating everyone equally. Rather, it's about understanding the power of what we communicate (verbally, yes, but especially non-verbally). For managers and leaders it's about performance improvement.

Applications:
- When dealing with difficult situations or when on the receiving end of a microinequity, ask questions.
- Always look to the sender of a message for its accuracy. Understand that culture and experience play a significant role in the message being sent and its interpretation.
- When making introductions, focus on: facial expression; tone of voice; hand gestures; choice of words; eye contact; and questions and interaction.
- When meeting someone, understand your checklist (i.e., the list of things you run through to determine compatibility) and filters (i.e., the behaviors you key into to determine capability). Priming, or confirmation bias, may be at play. For example, if some students who are about to watch rats run through a maze are told that the rats are smart, and others that the rats are dumb, what each group of students is told determines what they see.

Microadvantages top ten list:
(1) Actively solicit opinions.
(2) Connect on a personal level.
(3) Constantly ask questions.
(4) Attribute/credit ideas.
(5) Monitor your facial expressions.
(6) Actively listen to all.
(7) Draw in participation.
(8) Monitor personal greetings.
(9) Respond constructively to disagreements.
(10) Limit interruptions.

[Sir Titi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Communication is an interesting topic. It gets easily taken for granted because many people erroneously assume that they are excellent at it; they tend to think all there is to it is exchange of information.

It’s a skill with many arms to it and what this book focuses on is one of the many branches of communication and the impacts it can have on performance. It divides micro-messaging: the cues that come with our interactions, into micro-advantages and micro-inequities. Because it focuses largely on workplace engagements, micro-advantages are the essential parts of out communication that offer up enabling environment and fertile grounds for people to grow and become their best self. Many times the persons offering this enabling environment are somewhat oblivious to what they are doing.

In contrast, micro-inequities are expressions of close mindedness on a person’s abilities and potentials that are reflected in how we interact with them.

Stephen Young worked on making us aware of these things and how we can modify them to get the best out of everyone. If we swap micro-inequities with micro-advantages for low-performing employees, it will most likely come at no surprise that there will be a turnaround in their performance. Enabling environment, feeling valued, and respected can go a long way in shaping experience, commitment and growth of employees.

Cheers.

[Jyll Hoyrup · Rating 5 out of 5]

EVERYONE needs to read this book. It will help navigate life in a different, more useful way. While this book teaches about Micromessages using a work environment, it can be applied to all interactions with anyone, anywhere. I learned a lot and was able to see a LOT of Microinequities in my interactions with others. I also noticed where others might be experiencing Microinequities from me. While reading, I made many connections with Micromessaging and Intuition and how powerful the two work together.

[Mike Steinharter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book first when Stephen came to speak to my team about 15 years ago. I reread it this week and it was just as good, practical and fun. I tell many I know to read this book. We all give micro messages all day long and many of them unknowingly. We can be more conscious about them and more effective in reading them. It’s more than just body language.

[Fatima · Rating 4 out of 5]

Greatly educational. I recognized alot of the behavior discussed in my office. It helped me to be more aware of my own behavior towards my employee's and family.

[Michael · Rating 2 out of 5]

As far as length goes, I echo with the sentiment of some reviewers that this book is a bit long-winded. Stephen Young propounds a simple mantra: it's the message not the language that counts. His aim is to make people become aware of the non-linguistic part of our 'speech', or micromessage, and human interaction as a whole. Once we do, believes Young, we could avoid miscommunication by conveying what we really mean and be free from prejudice and presumptions.

Much of the book is common sense, especially to people coming from Confucianist cultures where extensive and complex social etiquettes are in place when it comes to interpersonal interactions. For instance, one utility of the constant bowing in Japanese culture is exactly to establish the sort of respectful atmosphere where 'microinequity' can be minimised. Avoiding microinequity however is no easy task. It essentially requires one to be her own interpreter and editor in communicating her message and not relying on her audience to do most of the parsing and decoding.

I can imagine that by making microinequity an explicit code-name and a more benign sounding stand-in for ethnocentrism or even bigotry in a corporate environment, it can really help foster trust and honesty among coworkers and between management and staff. It is difficult however to imagine that one can show this degree of candour in the day-to-day if the person you're talking to have no clue what micromessage is. Respect for others and not rushing to judgement are really all you need.

[Nick · Rating 1 out of 5]

This would be a useful book for teenagers. My understanding is that teenagers are puzzled by mismatches between what people say and their facial expressions and body language. So, when a member of the clique says, "great to see you" with a sneer, that confuses the outcast teen. (Or so the current reserach says; my memory of teenage years is that there was plenty of sneering going around and we all understood what was meant. But I digress.)

Anyway, the author of this (short) book is shocked to discover over and over that people say one thing and mean another; that, for example, a non-supportive boss may say superficially pleasant words but not back those up with warm and supportive body language. The result is a work place that is chilling for the snubbed worker, and the author has recommendations for getting recalcitrant bosses to align their language and behavior.

All of this seems so obvious and superficial that I can't understand why it became a book.

[Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick but important read, which can help us recognize institutionalized and interpersonal prejudices among business professionals who are supposedly above that sort of thing. Give this a scan if you're at all serious about creating an environment that empowers your colleagues to do their best work. You'll have to work out what to do with the data--different personalities and circumstances require different responses--but recognizing this subtle form of discrimination is 90% of the battle.

[ade · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is very useful if one has no clue whatsoever on picking up non-verbal communication. For those that do, the book acts as a reminder to continue noticing 'micromessages' (which is non verbal communication)and do something about it. I also feel that the book could've been written in about 5-10 pages; however, it was stretched out way longer than it should be.

[Shawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I actually found this book to be very interesting and helpful. There is so much to micro-messaging that we may or may not be aware of and this book really heightens your awareness to it. It should make me better at non verbal messaging, not sending microinequities, using micro-messaging to my advantage...hopefully. I would recommend this book to anyone. It is a quick and easy read too.

[Laurann · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book very much! It was an assignment for me to read for MBA, but I was fascinated by some of the theories it held. It help me to recognize the micro-messages I not only send at work but the micro-messages I send in my life in general. It caused a unique thought process to develop about how we all communicate with each other. I thought it was great! Very interesting!

[Bernd · Rating 2 out of 5]

Curious irony: I falsely assumed this book to deal with instant/twitter-style messaging, but it was about how to control & read body language. Perhaps a useful topic, the misleading title just didn't yield what I expected.

[Sylvia Salazar · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are not able to see Stephen Young in person, it is a good idea to read this. It expands on all the things he mentions in his lecture about microinequities.

[Dave · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some of what Young had to say did resonate, but it's generally hard for me to translate this kind of information into practice.

[Jack]

Excellent book. Must read for any leader / manager. I have added the term "micro-inequity" to my vocabulary.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellent read --- well worth the time.