What do you think?
Rate this book
Impossible Love: or Why the Heart Must Go Wrong
Some love affairs mark our lives forever. Jan Bauer examines the erotic structures of irresistible attraction with love stories of the classic past and the lives of people today.
Audio Cassette
First published December 1, 1993
8 people are currently reading
276 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
November 18, 2022
ty this jungian life for leading me here
March 26, 2024
Rekommenderades en passant i ett avsnitt av podden 'This Jungian Life', som jag lyssnat så mycket på det senaste halvåret.
"In a world of routine and conformity, we feel Chosen."
"Unexpected, unwelcome, and irresistible." (Oxfordkomma, minsann!)
De två citaten illustrerar tesen. Den som omedvetet är öppen för förändring "drabbas". Psyche vill säga dig något. Classic Jung. Omöjlig kärlek är inte ett ämne jag funderar särskilt ofta över numera - sublimerar af - men författaren utgår från Abélard och Héloïse och den ingången fungerade för mig. Att jag satt i solen utanför Harbour Coffee i Folkestone försämrade inte direkt läsupplevelsen.
Anima, animus, skugga, persona, arketyper... Utöver den välbekanta jungianska analysen och alla fallbeskrivningar av destruktiva och passionerade affärer från förr och nu fanns ett avsnitt om vad Freud sagt om 'creative illness'. Märkligt nog har jag aldrig hört begreppet, tror jag.
- - -
I en helt annan poddserie är Bauer gäst och det var bra lyssning. Bl.a. gillade jag det hon säger om att en stad kan kännas så rätt för att den är 'fertile ground':
https://speakingofjung.com/podcast/20...
"In a world of routine and conformity, we feel Chosen."
"Unexpected, unwelcome, and irresistible." (Oxfordkomma, minsann!)
De två citaten illustrerar tesen. Den som omedvetet är öppen för förändring "drabbas". Psyche vill säga dig något. Classic Jung. Omöjlig kärlek är inte ett ämne jag funderar särskilt ofta över numera - sublimerar af - men författaren utgår från Abélard och Héloïse och den ingången fungerade för mig. Att jag satt i solen utanför Harbour Coffee i Folkestone försämrade inte direkt läsupplevelsen.
Anima, animus, skugga, persona, arketyper... Utöver den välbekanta jungianska analysen och alla fallbeskrivningar av destruktiva och passionerade affärer från förr och nu fanns ett avsnitt om vad Freud sagt om 'creative illness'. Märkligt nog har jag aldrig hört begreppet, tror jag.
- - -
I en helt annan poddserie är Bauer gäst och det var bra lyssning. Bl.a. gillade jag det hon säger om att en stad kan kännas så rätt för att den är 'fertile ground':
https://speakingofjung.com/podcast/20...
January 30, 2019
This book was a good book for those who have had tumultuous love affairs and wondered "what went wrong?" or "what came over me?" It addresses the need to be with someone different in order to reclaim parts of yourself that may have been lost at earlier stages, and how these 'taboo' relationships can really help us to better realize ourselves. I appreciated the examples she gave, although as always I would have preferred more real-life examples because I always find those helpful.
The book follows the story of Abelard and Heloise, an interesting story and a little different from most Jungian psychology books, which mostly focus on myths, not on real historical figures. I enjoyed the story, and thought it was a good illustration of what the author was trying to convey.
I think there are some dangers that could result from this book being misinterpreted by malevolent people, for example, people might use it as justification for having 'wrong' sexual relations, because after all it is about 'breaking taboos.'
Altogether, it is a nice book for those who have been through a crazy relationship and want to reflect on it. It also doesn't make any false promises about eventually finding love after an 'impossible' love situation ends, but rather focuses on the inner journey to actualize one's own self.
The book follows the story of Abelard and Heloise, an interesting story and a little different from most Jungian psychology books, which mostly focus on myths, not on real historical figures. I enjoyed the story, and thought it was a good illustration of what the author was trying to convey.
I think there are some dangers that could result from this book being misinterpreted by malevolent people, for example, people might use it as justification for having 'wrong' sexual relations, because after all it is about 'breaking taboos.'
Altogether, it is a nice book for those who have been through a crazy relationship and want to reflect on it. It also doesn't make any false promises about eventually finding love after an 'impossible' love situation ends, but rather focuses on the inner journey to actualize one's own self.
Read
July 8, 2024Impossible love may put u on a path of creativity that u wouldnt have taken otherwise (trickster gods). If there is no adversity, creative minds invent it
Romance opens the heart to sorrow and joy - the melody of being
Romance is a fire that destroys cliches
Theology - beliefs regarding your ultimate concern
Romance as sacred is blasphemous, it puts the other before god
Paradise must be lost for something new to be born
Separation from the safety of the group and a feeling of marginalization may be necc for (?)
An experience of impossible love is a loss of innocence
Not everyone is a candidate for passionate love
Dread combines with elation
Love of another threatens a marriage far more than sex
Love is a revolution, it separates what was united and unites what was separated
Because intense passion is impossible to integrate into ordinary life, we enter the other worldly realm of archetypes. The love becomes mystical surrender. The language is of divine adoration. We revel in serving. We are challenged by the trials of our faith. We worship at different alters - “i with my image of you, you with your image of me”. We push eachother back on the pedestal so we can worship. We struggle to be adored and so try to seduce the acolyte. We have become demi-gods and there is no going back.
To break up is to commit heresy. But we need it, just like jesus needed judas to transform the vision into something else
To be damned OR blessed is to feel chosen for something special
Masks arent false, they jus dont show the whole person
In possible love, there is horizontality (Caring,mutuality). Impossible love exists on a vertical (pain,pleasure) dissonant axis. The two keep passing eachother on the pole, even though passion brought them together
If u do experience impossible love, it is an indication that the psyche is strong enough to face tue pain if the past
Falling in love has nothing to do with willpower and everything to do with readiness. We are open to passion when we are open to change. Something in us is so dissatisfied that we are open to loves revolutionary impact
If we cant be great lovers, at least we can be great martyrs
The deepest need of the soul isnt therapeutic , its the desire to unite with another
Myths abt union of male and female preceded notions of western romantic love
Shadow- the part of our personal life we had to repress in order to be acceptable. The part we dont dare to be
When we fall in love with the wrong person, we fall in love with our unlived life
Say-
I am your shadow. You are afraid of me. But I have much to bring to you if you would embrace me
And-
You are my shadow. I want you. My ego needs to resist. Only in passion can i surrender
We dont love that what we already have. In possible love, we idealize our partner. In impossible love, we envy them
Impossible love is an initiation. We can say no or yes, but the gods do the rest
There are 2 ways of non-resolution of an impossible love. You can deny it afterward and restore your previous persona. In this case, the message was lost. And there is no integration
Or, you can just keep those relationships other worldly. Some relationships are friends (life), others are lovers (death).
In fairy tales, the problem of resolution just ends in death before their shadow takes over. In real life we just naturally feel humiliated as the pain and darkness begin to eclipse the joy and ecstasy. We need to sacrifice (sacred) the illusions on a holy fire, not discard it as garbage. We keep the love. It is the hard won treasure brought from the depths. The seed of future love, and a greater capacity fir love through this otherworldly initiation. We need gratitude for the Other who accompanied us into the mysteries
Humans seem to need a lost paradise and a promised land. Something unattainable behind and ahead of us
Romance opens the heart to sorrow and joy - the melody of being
Romance is a fire that destroys cliches
Theology - beliefs regarding your ultimate concern
Romance as sacred is blasphemous, it puts the other before god
Paradise must be lost for something new to be born
Separation from the safety of the group and a feeling of marginalization may be necc for (?)
An experience of impossible love is a loss of innocence
Not everyone is a candidate for passionate love
Dread combines with elation
Love of another threatens a marriage far more than sex
Love is a revolution, it separates what was united and unites what was separated
Because intense passion is impossible to integrate into ordinary life, we enter the other worldly realm of archetypes. The love becomes mystical surrender. The language is of divine adoration. We revel in serving. We are challenged by the trials of our faith. We worship at different alters - “i with my image of you, you with your image of me”. We push eachother back on the pedestal so we can worship. We struggle to be adored and so try to seduce the acolyte. We have become demi-gods and there is no going back.
To break up is to commit heresy. But we need it, just like jesus needed judas to transform the vision into something else
To be damned OR blessed is to feel chosen for something special
Masks arent false, they jus dont show the whole person
In possible love, there is horizontality (Caring,mutuality). Impossible love exists on a vertical (pain,pleasure) dissonant axis. The two keep passing eachother on the pole, even though passion brought them together
If u do experience impossible love, it is an indication that the psyche is strong enough to face tue pain if the past
Falling in love has nothing to do with willpower and everything to do with readiness. We are open to passion when we are open to change. Something in us is so dissatisfied that we are open to loves revolutionary impact
If we cant be great lovers, at least we can be great martyrs
The deepest need of the soul isnt therapeutic , its the desire to unite with another
Myths abt union of male and female preceded notions of western romantic love
Shadow- the part of our personal life we had to repress in order to be acceptable. The part we dont dare to be
When we fall in love with the wrong person, we fall in love with our unlived life
Say-
I am your shadow. You are afraid of me. But I have much to bring to you if you would embrace me
And-
You are my shadow. I want you. My ego needs to resist. Only in passion can i surrender
We dont love that what we already have. In possible love, we idealize our partner. In impossible love, we envy them
Impossible love is an initiation. We can say no or yes, but the gods do the rest
There are 2 ways of non-resolution of an impossible love. You can deny it afterward and restore your previous persona. In this case, the message was lost. And there is no integration
Or, you can just keep those relationships other worldly. Some relationships are friends (life), others are lovers (death).
In fairy tales, the problem of resolution just ends in death before their shadow takes over. In real life we just naturally feel humiliated as the pain and darkness begin to eclipse the joy and ecstasy. We need to sacrifice (sacred) the illusions on a holy fire, not discard it as garbage. We keep the love. It is the hard won treasure brought from the depths. The seed of future love, and a greater capacity fir love through this otherworldly initiation. We need gratitude for the Other who accompanied us into the mysteries
Humans seem to need a lost paradise and a promised land. Something unattainable behind and ahead of us
April 5, 2025
I think Impossible Love is for a certain group of people. Not everyone will like or relate to it, but I loved it a lot. It’s a hidden gem. This book was recommended to me on Goodreads because I read something similar and decided to add it to my TBR. This book is from the 90s and it only has 7 reviews and 47 ratings on here. I’m so happy that I gave it a chance!
Some love affairs mark our lives forever. Whether we call them passionate love or tragic romance, they remain lasting because they're impossible. Why do we fall in love at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and with the wrong person? Why do we put up with the anxiety, the pain, the shame, and the longing never fulfilled?
In this book, Jan Bauer discusses the well-known story of Abelard and Heloise's love affair, the social context of impossible love, including hypocrisy and taboos, the psychology behind impossible love, and more. Impossible love may hurt, be controversial, or know no bounds, but this type of love brings about profound change, growth, and self-discovery. It is a huge part of our psychological and spiritual journey.
"Impossible love is just one of the routes into great pain, and through it perhaps great depth and new meaning."
Jan Bauer did a great job with the writing; it was thought-provoking, direct, and engrossing. I would have liked a few more everyday love situations, but that’s okay. I recommend this to anyone who has ever dealt with all-consuming love or other complicated love situations.
I heavily annotated the book and cried a little at the end. This type of love is hard to cope with. I resonated with the book and read it at the perfect time. This is a book I will be revisiting at some point later in life.
"Even if an impossible love becomes possible, our longing will still be there. It will simply change form, reminding us that we are never quite all here and that part of us always belongs to an Other."
Some love affairs mark our lives forever. Whether we call them passionate love or tragic romance, they remain lasting because they're impossible. Why do we fall in love at the wrong time, in the wrong place, and with the wrong person? Why do we put up with the anxiety, the pain, the shame, and the longing never fulfilled?
In this book, Jan Bauer discusses the well-known story of Abelard and Heloise's love affair, the social context of impossible love, including hypocrisy and taboos, the psychology behind impossible love, and more. Impossible love may hurt, be controversial, or know no bounds, but this type of love brings about profound change, growth, and self-discovery. It is a huge part of our psychological and spiritual journey.
"Impossible love is just one of the routes into great pain, and through it perhaps great depth and new meaning."
Jan Bauer did a great job with the writing; it was thought-provoking, direct, and engrossing. I would have liked a few more everyday love situations, but that’s okay. I recommend this to anyone who has ever dealt with all-consuming love or other complicated love situations.
I heavily annotated the book and cried a little at the end. This type of love is hard to cope with. I resonated with the book and read it at the perfect time. This is a book I will be revisiting at some point later in life.
"Even if an impossible love becomes possible, our longing will still be there. It will simply change form, reminding us that we are never quite all here and that part of us always belongs to an Other."
July 5, 2020
I couldn’t put this book down. Fascinating. If you’ve ever suffered through impossible love, this book, thoughtfully reveals why we are drawn to it and how creativity emerges from the destruction.
June 27, 2025
"We need not only attainable ideals to work toward, but unattainable ones. We need to believe there is something beyond our horizon, and today horizons are less and less out there in new countries to conquer, and more and more in here, in our unexplored psyches."
There are some books that find you exactly when you need them most. As someone who has always felt things too deeply, who has often found herself caught in the complexity of impossible loves, this book was like stumbling upon a letter addressed specifically to me. I wish I could gift a copy to every person who has ever had romantic feelings for me. That's how illuminating it is.
Bauer's exploration of why we're drawn to complicated, often unattainable love resonates with an uncomfortable accuracy. This book helped me understand that these patterns aren't personal failings. They're part of a deeper psychological and spiritual journey.
What struck me most was Bauer's insight into how our impossible loves often serve as catalysts for growth and self-discovery. She doesn't dismiss these experiences as mere mistakes or weakness, but rather examines them as crucial pieces in our development. The book's exploration of how our early experiences shape our love patterns was particularly enlightening, helping me understand why I've often been drawn to situations that seemed destined to bring both profound connection and inevitable heartache.
Reading this helped me explore of how our human hearts work, why they sometimes seem to work against us, and how even our most painful experiences can lead to transformation. For anyone who has ever wondered why they keep finding themselves in complicated love situations, for anyone who feels their heart consistently chooses the difficult path this book helps us understand why love is often necessarily complex. Sometimes understanding why your heart goes "wrong" is the first step to finding what's right. This book helped me see that maybe my heart wasn't going wrong at all.
There are some books that find you exactly when you need them most. As someone who has always felt things too deeply, who has often found herself caught in the complexity of impossible loves, this book was like stumbling upon a letter addressed specifically to me. I wish I could gift a copy to every person who has ever had romantic feelings for me. That's how illuminating it is.
Bauer's exploration of why we're drawn to complicated, often unattainable love resonates with an uncomfortable accuracy. This book helped me understand that these patterns aren't personal failings. They're part of a deeper psychological and spiritual journey.
What struck me most was Bauer's insight into how our impossible loves often serve as catalysts for growth and self-discovery. She doesn't dismiss these experiences as mere mistakes or weakness, but rather examines them as crucial pieces in our development. The book's exploration of how our early experiences shape our love patterns was particularly enlightening, helping me understand why I've often been drawn to situations that seemed destined to bring both profound connection and inevitable heartache.
Reading this helped me explore of how our human hearts work, why they sometimes seem to work against us, and how even our most painful experiences can lead to transformation. For anyone who has ever wondered why they keep finding themselves in complicated love situations, for anyone who feels their heart consistently chooses the difficult path this book helps us understand why love is often necessarily complex. Sometimes understanding why your heart goes "wrong" is the first step to finding what's right. This book helped me see that maybe my heart wasn't going wrong at all.
June 11, 2016
Wow! If you have been in a relationship as all-consuming as it is unrealistic and wanted to know more about the"why," read this book. By a Jungian analyst, this book uses wonderful literary and historical allusions, as well as interesting case histories.
If you like Mystery with a capital M as well as analysis and growth, read this book.
Libby Stott, author of "Dancing with a Baptist"
If you like Mystery with a capital M as well as analysis and growth, read this book.
Libby Stott, author of "Dancing with a Baptist"
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews