Goodbye, Perfect: How to Stop Pleasing, Proving, and Pushing for Others… and Live For Yourself

by Homaira Kabir MAPPCP

Why are so many conscientious women needlessly hard on themselves for things they readily forgive in others? Why do so many competent women shy away from risks and opportunities, or fear speaking up in the workplace? And why do so many ambitious women feel like a fraud despite the success and achievements they have rightfully earned? For fans of Brene Brown and lovers of inspiring self-help titles, Goodbye, Perfect is a must-read leadership and self-care book for women who have fallen into the toxic traps of perfectionism, approval seeking and endless doing. At its core, it teaches us how to embrace the gifts our lives embody, and reclaim joy, ease and psychological well being as fundamental tenets of a brave and purpose-driven life. This is the essence of living for yourself. It is about living the life you're here to live. With a clear and science-based explanation of the two types of high confidence, and highly relatable stories from both her personal and professional life, author, coach and thought leader Homaira Kabir helps us understand why most women struggle with fragile confidence, and how it is the greatest barrier to their biggest lives. She offers an uplifting and empowering way to reclaim our lives, both professionally and personally; instead of fighting the behaviors that we know are getting in our way, we unhook from the need to engage with them. It is the journey of optimal confidence.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Feminism, Audiobook

328 pages, Paperback

Published April 11, 2023

Reviews

[Gabi Wagner · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️. I really enjoyed this book as my first of the year! self help for the win!!!

[Renee Laliberte · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good read that discusses how women can work on being less hard on themselves and build conscious confidence. Some examples in this text felt like the author knew exactly what I was or wasn’t doing in my life to help identify areas of improvement. This book wasn’t anything groundbreaking but it was still helpful for self-reflection and identifying toxic patterns within oneself that can be worked on to improve how women tend to treat themselves.


Some quotes from this book that hit harder to home and caused reflection for me were:

“Everything depends on your health and well-being.”

“In its extreme, an inability to feel shows up as not knowing when to stop or give ourselves a break, nor knowing when our creative juices are calling us to go full throttle. We’re also disconnected with the outer world because both these worlds are interconnected. We experience little empathy, no real joy, and no sense of being alive. We’re like machines, and every day is the same.”

“When we don’t learn to be okay with not being okay, we also resort to numbing behaviors to ease the emotional surge. Also these days, there are plenty to choose from: drugs and drinking yes, but also excessive busyness, shopping, Netflix, bingeing, mindless scrolling through our social feeds…”

“Unless we know exactly what we’re feeling, we can’t give ourselves exactly what we need. And that causes more frustration, more offloading of emotions, and more misguided action.”

“…when our hearts are so hardened against ourselves, they cannot extend for anyone nor let anyone else in…Of all the qualities of the Self, compassion for ourselves is the most fundamental, the one that gives rise to all else.”

“…it’s not okay to simply move on without letting ourselves know we will be more understanding of ourselves the next time around. Sometimes, we really need to hear from ourselves, just like we really need to hear a sincere apology from others when they harm us in some way…An apology from ourselves builds the trust that we’ll be there for ourselves.”

“Belonging to ourselves is where the work begins. We need to feel worthy on ourselves so we can be honest and vibrant in our relationships.”

“Our personal temperament, early experiences and social expectations have created a cauldron into which we routinely throw our needs and desires until there is no “me” left in the relationship. To preserve me, we need boundaries.”

“The only way you can know what feels safe and what doesn’t is to listen to the messages coming from your body…But you cannot be attuned to your body’s signals if you’re already afraid or stressed out. You’ll see threat where it doesn’t exist, and it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or you’ll get overwhelmed by the threat that does exist, and it will impact your ability to do something about it.”

[Debra · Rating 3 out of 5]

In a book primarily directed toward women, Homaira Kabir outlines her approach to living a more confident life. All too often, she asserts, women are too hard on themselves, even when they are understanding and supportive of others. She sees confidence as a means to an end--a promotion, learning to say no, or fulfilling the life goal--that each woman has but lacks the confidence to pursue. What would happen if a woman just got out of her own way and really lived her fullest life?

I was torn about this book--at times I felt that Kabir was looking over my shoulder or even reading my mind. Especially at first, I felt like she was seeing the perfectionist in me and speaking right to her. But as the book went on I felt like more of what she said had to do with her own anecdotal experience and less on science. She made some arguments based on women's biology that I doubt are either based in science or have been proven (e.g. emotion is feminine and logic is masculine). But she also made some arguments based on gender-normative conditioning, which I fully agree is societal and is quite proven. At the very least she makes points that reflect experiences that I have not experienced. I was very ready to find this book to be helpful in overcoming my tendency toward perfectionism, but I felt it fell short of being really helpful for me and was disappointed.

Thanks Partner Sourcebooks Nonfiction and NetGalley for my advance electronic copy.

[Lauri · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

Pros: I really liked learning about the different levels of confidence. I like that the author weaves in case studies and her own personal anecdotes. I appreciate her level of willingness to be vulnerable

Cons:

I was very aware I was reading an academic style thesis

She constantly is quoting external sources and almost forcefully

And TBH the book lost a lot of validity to me when there was a Colleen Hoover quote in it (don’t get me wrong I love reading a good Hoover but it felt problematic to me that she quotes a book about abuse in this self help book completely out of context)

It also felt like a lot of the length of the book was unnecessary and just drawn out , I just felt overall a bit bored

[zasou.reads · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was much more clinical and heavy then I thought it was going to be. With the pink and bubbly cover, I was expecting a fun easy read that would help be better myself, but it felt like homework. Although the material was interesting, it could've been broken in smaller sections and subsections to simplify the reading process.
The book is divided in 3 parts. In the first part, the author explains what confidence actually is, how it can become fragile, and what gaps you need to fill to get a lasting sense of confidence. The second and third part are about building the components of confidence (a sense of belonging, with yourself and others, and a sense of mastery, with purpose and courage). The conclusion offers a great four-step framework that is very helpful in making the material more concrete.
I received an advance review copy for free and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[tenderzenkie · Rating 3 out of 5]

admittedly, i was pretty skeptical going into this book, but it grew on me. it uses some typical dialogue about patriarchy, feminism, confidence, etc. it's kinda like the barbie movie in a book if the movie was only societal commentary. i would argue this book is specifically written for older, more successful women, but anyone can take something away. overall, it's a pretty average self-help book for women.

[Terri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are you like me and think that the only way people will like you is if you do everything perfectly? Well, if you are, then you should read this book.. This book makes you look at things in a new way and while I'm not guaranteeing that you will change everything about yourself, it will give you a new way to look at things,

[Rae-Lynne Byerley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is good, I found many things helpful.

[E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I need a book on this topic, but this is marketed specifically at women so that's bit distracting for me. DNF.

[Kari · Rating 3 out of 5]

Much of the book wasn’t anything super new but liked how it was put together. Very relatable and informative.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

SHOULD be for me, but just didn’t take.

[Hanneke Nijland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful for (recovering) perfectionists and people-pleasers...!

This book is filled with relatable stories, science-backed insights and practices that will give you so much more awareness of why your are experiencing symptoms like perfectionism, people pleasing, trying to prove yourself, etc., and what you can actually do about it. Which requires a shift in perspective towards much more compassion. Homaira leads the way for you to actually make shifts in your life. Read it – you won’t be disappointed.

[Alexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Goodbye Perfect is a gentle whipping book for everyone. But as women I felt this book very important. Society appreciates perfection expecially nowdays with global connection through social medias. Everyone capable to show off their perfection (even fake it) at all aspect of life. Naturally women always found imperfect things from themselves. They constantly beat their own with nonstop unreachable standards and goals to become perfection. We also come into era that being kind dan supportive to other people sometime become backfire on us as people pleaser.

This book offer to help women to appreciate imperfections and approaches habits to become confident and reach better self level without depends on other people "approval". This topic is huge and this book still scrapes the surfaces. But it help us to realize what's mistake from our life.

Thank you Netgalley and Simple Truths from Sourcebooks Nonfiction for provided me with this ecopy. My thoughts and opinions always become my own.
Published 11 April 2023.

[Ev · Rating 5 out of 5]

So. So good. Beautifully written and incredibly impactful. 💖