You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story

by Annabelle Gurwitch, Jeff Kahn

In this hilarious and ultimately moving memoir, comedians and real-life married couple Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn prove that in marriage, all you need is love—and a healthy dose of complaining, codependence, and pinot noir. After thirteen years of being married, Annabelle and Jeff have found “We’re just not that into us.” Instead of giving up, they’ve held their relationship together by ignoring conventional wisdom and fostering a lack of intimacy, by using parenting as a competitive sport, and by dropping out of couples therapy. The he-said/she-said chronicle of their intense but loving marriage includes an unsentimental account of the medical odyssey that their family embarked upon after their infant son was diagnosed with VACTERL, a very rare series of birth defects. Annabelle and Jeff’s unforgivingly raw, uproariously funny story is sure to strike both laughter and terror in the hearts of all couples (not to mention every single man or woman who is contemplating the connubial state). Serving up equal parts sincerity and cynicism, You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up is a laugh-out-loud must-read for everyone who has come to realize that being “in love” can only get you so far. On CohabitationHe “Within days of Annabelle’s arrival, I became very aware that she demanded solitude and had the housekeeping habits of a feral animal.”She “The guy had some sort of nudity radar. When I would take my clothes off for even a second, Jeff would be in front of me cheering as if he’d scored box seats at Fenway Park.” On SexHe “I want to have sex every day, but Annabelle only wants to do it once a week. So we we have sex once a week.”She “Jeff says talking about money before you have sex is a turnoff, but it’s only a turnoff if you’re talking about not having money. Talking about money before you have sex when you have money is actually a turn-on.” On PregnancyHe “For God’s sake, all I wanted to do was have sex without a condom for a little while; now we were moments from bringing a new life into the world!”She “My ass was expanding so fast it was like a Starbucks franchise. On every corner of my ass there was a new branch of ass opening up.”

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Memoir, Biography, Marriage, Relationships, Biography Memoir

274 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 20, 2010

About the author

ANNABELLE GURWITCH grew up hoping that she was the long lost daughter of Joni Mitchell or the reincarnation of an Egyptian princess. Neither of those things turned out to be true. She is the author of The New York Times bestseller and Thurber Prize Finalist for Humor Writing 2015, I See You Made an Effort; You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up (co-written with husband Jeff Kahn); and Fired! which was also a Showtime Comedy Special.
Annabelle was the original co-host of Dinner & a Movie for 6 seasons on TBS and host of Planet Green's WA$TED. Other acting credits include Seinfeld, Dexter, Boston Legal. Her essays and satire have appeared in The New York Times, The New Yorker, Los Angeles Times, Marie Claire, The Nation, Men's Health, Glamour, Salon.com. She was a regular commentator on NPR for numerous years and regularly performs at arts venues across the country. She is empty nesting in Los Angeles. Annabelle is a Jewish mother, a reluctant atheist, and an avid environmentalist.

Reviews

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Our engagement also proves the old adage that there's someone for everyone. The caveat is that the "someone" isn't necessarily someone who is perfect. It's someone whose eccentricities compliment your eccentricities and then, fingers crossed, over the years you don't outcrazy each other...

I can see why there are many negative reviews of this book. Neither author comes off as very likable. They are both vain, shallow, self-obsessed, whiny, emotionally-needy people...and you can TOTALLY see why they are together.

I have been married forever 22 years. That's a huge chunk of your life to spend with just one other person. (Especially when THAT person gets up each morning, goes in the bathroom, and makes sounds like he is attempting to expel a grapefruit-sized hairball. Imagine "A-heck! A-heck! A-heck!" Every morning. For 22 years.)

Gurwitch and Kahn (or Gurkahn, if you wanna get all Brangelina on it...) are both writers and actors that you might have seen in something at some point in your life. We're not talking A-List Celebrities, here. BUT, they have been married since 1996 and they're STILL together. (How many A-Listees can see that?) So, I think it's worth letting them have their say.

Each chapter is comprised of He Says/She Says segments, where each writer tells his or her own version of how they met, their courtship, wedding, etc. They also manage to squeeze in plenty of zings, barbs, stinging nettles and poisoned arrows...in a good-humored way, of course. They are both brutally, sometimes painfully, honest. (They also share, perhaps, too much information about personal fetishes and Brazilian waxes...) I have been married too long 22 years. This is what marriage is like. The good, the bad and the really, REALLY ugly.

Jeff and I aren't marriage boosters. I would never dream of telling anyone they should get or stay or stop being married--unless they were attached to the idea that they were going to live "happily ever after." Then I'd tell them they were out of their minds.

I got quite a few laughs out of the book. Even when KERPOW! (Sorry. I'm currently reading a book about the old Batman TV series.), their son is born with massive and multiple birth defects, I ended up laughing. When told their newborn had no anus, Gurwitch supposedly said, "No anus? What happens if he's gay?" "We'll be making him a new one," our doctor informed us. "Great," I answered. "My son was born in Los Angeles and they're already making him an asshole!"

Here is a couple that laughs, cries, argues and has sex (albeit, not as often as Kahn would like), all while raising a pretty neat-sounding kid.

I think we should all be so lucky.

[Carrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not sure if I can finish this book. I picked it up because it's got a clever title and I was wondering what advice a funny married couple might dish out about marriage. Obviously, they get the tone of mine with their title. But a few chapters into it, I'm feeling like I would not hit it off with this Jewish Hollywood couple. I find their self-deprecating remarks a little fake. It seems obvious to me that Annablle is a diva and Jeff wants her no matter how much crap she puts him through. In one breath, they'll tell you how CRAZY they can be, and in the next they are talking about how successful they are (She was in a Seinfeld episode! He produces and writes TV shows! John Cusack crashed at his house!)


When they started talking about kinky sex involving a lobster claw-shaped oven mitt, I unfortunately looked at the authors' photo on the dust jacket. I don't like to imagine these two having sex, as I do not find either of them attractive.

So I am slogging through half-heartedly because it's either this or essays about science on my bedside table and my brain would rather go with the junk food book just before bed.

[Annabelle Gurwitch]

This is my book, would love to discuss it with others!

[Meribeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love looking inside other relationships and this love story is told honestly and entertainingly -warts and all. Very enjoyable read.

[Koz · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to like this, despite the cumbersome and annoying title. But it's just not funny. It's cliche and formulaic and stale. They really ended up offering the same old jokes you hear on a canned laughter sitcom. But the authors appear to think they are original and clever.

I alternated between thinking Annabelle was the most arrogant person I've heard in awhile and wanting to kick Jeff in the nuts for trying too hard to be non-mainstream. Ultimately, I think both are arrogant and annoying and trying too hard and relying on the word "pussy" way too heavily.

Also, don't get the audiobook. Both of their voices will make you want to drive off the side of a bridge. And Annabelle's over-emphasizing/over-acting when she reads will make you want to drive off the side of a bridge onto a cemented riverbed.

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

The jacket flap quotes caused me to purchase this one - they were hilarious and sounded like they were straight from my own marriage. When it came in, I flipped through it and was especially intrigued by the way they dealt with their son's health issues at birth. In fact, knowing that touching part was coming up was all that kept me reading during the annoying lead up. There were few redeeming qualities to be found between either of these two. I was especially annoyed with the wedding chapter- Annabelle's selfish reaction when she hears of her grandmother's death and her mother's necessary brain surgery was despicable, and then there was Jeff's reaction to Annabelle's surgery. I found them both annoying, and thus the book annoying with very few good parts.

[Caroline · Rating 2 out of 5]

For being comedy writers and actors, these guys weren't as funny in print as I was hoping. And I got really creeped out by the guy always talking about having sex with his wife in a crude, inappropriate way.

[Tex · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having abstained from marriage, it's a cute look at tangles I've avoided. That said, I do want to hear how some of my married friends see it. Probably pretty close to real life, but told through the voice of a couple of comedy writers it gets more chuckles.

[Jan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Oh man, where to even start with this one....

In theory, this is supposed to be a funny book where two people examine their relationship by explaining the events of their courtship, eventual marriage, and parenthood from their respective points of view. I picked up the book because I like the concept. The problem is that it turns out it's not even remotely funny and the authors are only barely likable.

First off, let's start with the nearly constant name dropping. Okay, I get it: both Annabelle and Jeff are/were actors and/or writers in Hollywood even though I HAVE NO IDEA WHO EITHER OF THEM IS. And perhaps because they know that no one actually knows who they are, they're constantly talking about all these famous Hollywood stars who lived in their apartment complex or slept on their couch or whatever. WHO CARES? It's so freaking irritating.

Secondly, I truly, truly hope that the authors are exaggerating for comedic effect. Because Annabelle came off as almost completely unlikable and one of the worst human beings I've ever read about. I hope that she truly isn't this bad. If she is, she's the Hollywood stereotype of nearly every woman in nearly every boring rom com: wishy washy, whiny, manipulative, needy, insane. It's NOT FUNNY. Not that Jeff is all that much better. I liked him up until their descriptions of how he turns into one of those crazy parents at his kid's baseball games. That's when his stock plummeted and never recovered for me.

Thirdly, I don't know how these authors could obviously be trying so hard and yet fail so badly to write an entertaining book. Did they not have an editor?

I could go on, but I've probably already turned you off to this book, which is a good thing.

I don't give out 1 star reviews very often. A book has to be abominably bad for me to do so. This book is close; it's one of those books that I can hardly believe I bothered finishing. But it does have one - just one - redeeming quality, and that is the only reason it gets 2 stars. It is their chapter describing the birth of their son, who had some pretty serious birth defects, and the hell that they went through to get him healthy. It was actually quite touching. And it proved that they're actually human beings. If only the rest of the book could have been like that.

[SheReaders Book Club · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was funny and I enjoyed the different points of view. It was nice to hear the same story from two different sides of a marriage. Completely relatable and very entertaining!

[Kris · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written in a He said/She said format, this books takes an intimate look at a volatile yet loving marriage. While it is funny, it offers too much information. Could definitely be offensive to some. The husband's use of porn and sophomoric terms for his wife's body parts were off-putting.

[Judith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sounds really funny and it's endorsed by Ben Stiller. But it's only mildly amusing. An essay/memoir on courtship, marriage, child-bearing/rearing. Been there, done that.

[Ellen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I learned that women are shrill, men only want to have sex, and most people should not get married/ have children.

[Jenni Welsch · Rating 3 out of 5]

The he said/she said way in which this is written was great. I loved that each chapter was told from one perspective at a time and that those two sections of each chapter both overlapped and at times totally contradicted one another - this felt very true to two people narrating their shared experiences, especially about a relationship/marriage.

[Joanna Carden · Rating 4 out of 5]

Midway through comedic team and married couple Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn's book about marriage, I had to put the book down for a break. The book began easily enough; with a meeting, then a courtship (of sorts), a wedding some time later, and finally - a baby. There are books that pack an emotional punch you aren't prepared for; this was one of those.

Gurwitch and Kahn's writing is sardonic and witty. The title offers the first glimpse of the humor found throughout the book. Kahn is an actor and writer who caught his break (I say this in Hollywood-speak, as though he put no work into his career, but instead woke one morning with an agent peering at him, saying, "Hey -- You're my guy!" There was a lot of work put into his career, all detailed in the book, but for the sake of time, I say "caught his break".) while working on The Ben Stiller Show on MTV. Gurwitch you may remember from TBS's long-running Dinner and a Movie series. She has also had guest roles on many television shows, from Seinfield to Boston Legal. So, anyway. Funny people. Perhaps darkly funny is a better description. Between chapters, they like to offer readers statistics and quotes, most of which highlight the downsides to marriage. Some examples:

'Forty percent of women say they have hurled footwear at a man.' - Y. Kaufman, How to Survive Your Marriage (38)

75 percent of suicide attempts are due to relationship problems
11 percent of the murders in the United States are killings by intimates (8)

Data in the 2004 National Population and Family Development Board study in Malaysia revealed that "meddlesome in-laws" are the number one reason why Indian couples get divorced. Ironically, most of these marriages were arranged by the same in-laws who later cause conflict with the spouses they once chose. (172)



But back to the break. I had to pause while reading this book because my heartbreak was simply too great. Not for the marriage; the writers are still happily married, couples therapy and all. But this (and if I had read the inside flap of the book cover carefully, I would have known):

The he-said/she-said chronicle of their intense but loving marriage includes an unsentimental account of the medical odyssey that their family embarked upon after their infant son was diagnosed with VACTERL, a very rare series of birth defects. (Front cover flap)



He was, and they talk about it openly and honestly, and I couldn't handle it. Perhaps it was the recent birth of my only nephew, or perhaps it was because I don't have kids yet but hope to someday... Whatever it was, my emotional reaction to their frank discussion of this part of their lives was devastating. But I eventually picked it back up, finished reading not only that section, but the entire book, and I am so glad I did. For those of you who can't stand to read a sad story: Ezra is now a healthy 11-year-old who plays baseball in two different leagues and on a traveling team. So nothing to fear; no death or familial devastation. Just a story of two parents dealing with some difficult issues and a son who overcame great adversity.

You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story is exactly that -- a love story. An imperfect, real-life love story in which a death in the family interrupts their honeymoon on day two, their child is born with a rare disorder, and couples therapy sessions are transcribed for millions to read. Gurwitch and Kahn may seem to have a negative view on marriage, but in actuality theirs is a view with a healthy understanding of what really happens between two people who vow to "have and to hold until death do us part". Despite that, or perhaps because of it, they have a thriving, loving marriage that has lasted more than a decade. And in a world where there are more remarriages than marriages that survive, that's nothing to throw a tomato at.

[Kricket · Rating 2 out of 5]

this is a very honest marriage memoir that switches between the perspectives of annabelle & jeff, two comedy writers who have been married 13 years. it's intended to be funny, and a few parts definitely made me laugh out loud, but it just didn't live up to the side-splitting hilarity promised on the bookflap. honestly, i think it could have with some heavy editing. the writers were just trying way too hard. it's like when a cute old man is telling you jokes and you wish you could laugh but you just can't. awkward.

i skipped a few chapters. for example, the one where they listed all of the things about the other that bothered them. newsflash: no one is interested. since when is whining about your spouse considered entertainment? it's not like we have a tv show where people call in with their spousal gripes and celebrities attempt to make them hilarious instead of pathetic...oh wait. so yeah, if you like "the marriage ref" this is exactly the book for you!

i found the writing more engaging when annabelle & jeff stopped trying to crack jokes and just got real. in the closing essay, they both talk about how the more you live with someone, the more you find out about them until you have this whole set of bizarre/annoying/endearing habits & quirks completely unique to your partner. when people think about being unfaithful in their marriages, they rarely consider that their refreshing new partner will slowly reveal a whole different set of just as bizarre/annoying/endearing habits and quirks. ultimately this far, a & j found that they just wanted each other- farts, fights & all. which was so sweet i gave this book 2 stars instead of 1.

[Lee Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Annabelle Gurwitch is a writer and actress you may best know from TBS' "Dinner and a Movie." Her husband, Jeff Kahn, is a writer and sometime actor you may know from "The Ben Stiller Show." They have been married for thirteen years, and this book is the "he says/she says" account of their marriage.

Anyone who's been married a while will find a lot to relate to here: funny stories of courtship, childbirth, and the inevitable buildup of annoyance with your spouse for the millions of little things he/she does "wrong" every day. Gurwitch and Kahn's son, Ezra, was born with VACTERL, a collection of birth defects (Worst in my opinion: born with no anus, just a smooth backside. This may explain the restaurant conversation I once overheard about a hand-rolled sphincter.), and to their credit, the book doesn't then turn into one of those triumph of the spirit weep-fests about raising a child with a physical ailment. Gurwitch and Kahn are still delightfully self-involved enough to remember that it's all about them. I'm not being facetious; I really was glad they kept to the point of their book. Raising a healthy child is strain enough on a marriage, so I can only imagine how this magnifies everything.

As the book concludes, both realize that, for all their faults, they love each other and can't imagine life apart or with anyone else. It's a sweet, cute, and funny book.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this one to read on the basis of the title alone and found myself reading a book on marriage. Not the 'follow these tips to a successful marriage' kind, more the 'these are all the things he/she does that irritate the living crap out of me' kind.

Intermittently amusing, anyone who's ever lived with anyone will find something familiar inside and it was refreshing to read something about the topic that wasn't promoting the idealised version where everything is sunshine and roses, with communication and intimacy highly-prized attributes. That said, as I've already had tons of these conversations with friends over the years I also wasn't hearing anything particularly new and, apart from the stresses and worries that came along with having a chronically ill child, I don't think that this marriage is as fascinating as the authors do.

It does seem fitting though that I read most of this sitting in a freezing cold van while waiting for my beloved of the past fourteen years to finish indulging his passion for photography and take me home already.

[Leone · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a believer in the "laughing is better than going to prison" approach to the tragedies and injustices we face in the world. Laughter through tears is a lot healthier than pent up anger or drowning in a pool of depression. These two show their true comedian colors as they tell the story of their life and love. Those critical reviews I read on Amazon saying the book was sad or bitter are really missing the point. Life throws sad and bitter at you whether you deserve it or not. Reading between the lines, you see a deep devotion to their little family that comes from a true love. The book is LOL funny and my poor husband kept having to pause his murderous rampage on Call of Duty so I could read hilarious passages to him. And seriously, any book that can articulately use the word, "Franken-gina" has my vote!

[Ashley Clark · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was really funny and entertaining most of the time. However, a warning to readers: there is some language that I think detracts from the book, and Annabelle and Jeff are so determined to win the competition for worst marriage that sometimes it gets tiresome. They seem to take pride in pointing out how miserable they are in their marriage, and eventually it's no longer funny; you're just wondering why they're still together. But thankfully, they brighten it up at the end, and the book ends on a fairly happy note.

[Mandie Lowe · Rating 3 out of 5]

These people are too much for me. Over the top and neurotic, reading about their life together caused me to feel anxious. They have a son with serious medical complications, which only serves to make them crazier.

The humour felt a bit forced, but appreciation of jokes is very culture based, so people in their neck of the woods might just love it. It didn't do much for me, but reading about their son's disabilities (he was born without an anus, for one) was very interesting to me.

[Vicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading this, I wonder why these people are still married, as they seem to do nothing but fight! But then I think that they are both very funny people exaggerating their conflicts for comic effect (I hope). The book isn't just funny, though, it contains a lot of thought-provoking stuff. It might be a very interesting book discussion title.

[Cadillacrazy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Don't waste your time, I don't know who decided this book was funny...but I didn't laugh once. It's just two people complaining about how much they don't like each other. If I read anything about this book before I had started it, I would never have read it. Who cares about a hollywood couple, and how "hilariously" mundane their life is...

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funniest book I've read in years, and on top of that, the ending is so heartwarming it got me teary-eyed. It gives me hope for my upcoming marriage--because apparently, we're going to argue sometimes.

[Liz · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hate it - I cannot wait to be done with this book. I am compelled to finish it because my husband bought it home for me (he thought the title was clever) but it is awful - a terrible account of a terrible marriage.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I finished this book in a couple of sittings. It's a pretty breezy read. Uh, if you like books about two middle-aged Hollywood types who loathe being married to each other, I guess this is for you? It was funny at times, but mostly I just felt bad for them.

[Amber Ortman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, sharp, fresh perspective on marriage. Made me very thankful for my seemingly less disfunctional marriage!

[Kelly · Rating 1 out of 5]

So pedestrian and utterly boring, I can't even muster enough enthusiasm to write a review about it.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Laugh out loud funny with bite.

[Tabitha · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book started out fairly strongly under the guise of a comedy written in he said/she said style about a couple that apparently is moderately famous (though I've never heard of either person prior to the book). The couple talks about their relationship and how it progressed and has changed over time. They also discuss handling situations with a son who has special medical needs. The title indicates some tension but with the idea that it could be funny. It started out funny enough that I laughed out loud. Unfortunately, it devolved into mostly sadness, bickering, heavy swearing, and random (sometimes lengthy) perverse inserts.

I liked: the he said/she said format, the random statistics at the end of the chapters that tied with the chapters theme, chapters that bounced point of views more than once

Disliked: seemingly unnecessary language and crudeness, were they going for a count of how many times they could use certain words?

I wound up reading it primarily because I had a 6+ hr American airlines flight that unexpectedly had no wifi and inaudible reruns of American Ninja Warrior for "entertainment" and the title and intro seemed funny.