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Baby Love: Choosing Motherhood After a Lifetime of Ambivalence
A memoir of pregnancy after years of postponing parenthood describes how an award-winning writer and activist avoided becoming pregnant for some fifteen years due to a variety of circumstances and the transforming journey that ensued when she eventually elected to become a mother. By the author of Black, White, and Jewish.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published March 22, 2007
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June 20, 2009
This book is almost unbearable. Rebecca Walker tries to be honest and funny, but comes off as whiny, self-indulgent, bitchy, and stereotypically Berkeley (affluent, privileged, obsessed with organic food, alternative medicine, and Tibetan Buddhism). She claims to value motherhood, but she flames her own mother, the author Alice Walker, at every possible opportunity. She claims to be a feminist, but rants that every woman should become a mother. She claims that her rather intense experience of motherhood (she says she could "easily" kill someone to protect her child) is universal, and implies that anyone who doesn't feel this intensity isn't a good mother. While pregnant, she falls into traditional gender roles (she feels her husband is supposed to "protect" her) and claims that this is biological. Finally, the unnuanced generalizations about "Generation X" women and our supposed ambivalence towards motherhood made me want to shake the author and yell, "Speak for yourself!"
The subtitle of the book is "Choosing Motherhood after a Lifetime of Ambivalence," but not only is Rebecca Walker never for a second ambivalent about motherhood (she states she has always wanted to have a baby), she essentially preaches that women are incomplete without it. The book is noticeably lacking in compassion towards women who make different choices in life than she has (including her mother). Especially shocking to me was her assertion that it is not possible to love adopted or step children as much as biological children. Um, what the fuck?
The book obviously says a lot more about Rebecca Walker's hang-ups than it does about women, motherhood, or a whole generation. If she had honestly addressed these hang-ups, instead of constantly drawing broad generalizations from them, the book might not have been so unbelievably terrible.
Her birth experience was the one aspect of the book that felt honest - probably because giving birth is so inherently humbling, it takes everyone down a few notches, and for those two pages, she was incapable of arrogance. Unfortunately, it didn't last.
The subtitle of the book is "Choosing Motherhood after a Lifetime of Ambivalence," but not only is Rebecca Walker never for a second ambivalent about motherhood (she states she has always wanted to have a baby), she essentially preaches that women are incomplete without it. The book is noticeably lacking in compassion towards women who make different choices in life than she has (including her mother). Especially shocking to me was her assertion that it is not possible to love adopted or step children as much as biological children. Um, what the fuck?
The book obviously says a lot more about Rebecca Walker's hang-ups than it does about women, motherhood, or a whole generation. If she had honestly addressed these hang-ups, instead of constantly drawing broad generalizations from them, the book might not have been so unbelievably terrible.
Her birth experience was the one aspect of the book that felt honest - probably because giving birth is so inherently humbling, it takes everyone down a few notches, and for those two pages, she was incapable of arrogance. Unfortunately, it didn't last.
November 13, 2007
So I have to say upfront that I was disappointed with Baby Love. The subtitle ("choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence") is a little misleading, for starters, since Walker says on page 1 that, "For the last fifteen years I have told everyone...that I wanted a baby." That, to me, does not spell ambivalence. It becomes clear as the book goes along that Walker has in fact known and tried several times in the past few years to get pregnant, so while I was initially very interested in this book as a feminist, Alice Walker fan and, at best, a woman ambivalent about motherhood, the tone was going to be markedly different than I anticipated.
As a woman who may one day be pregnant, I found Walker's detailed descriptions of pregnancy to be vivid, humorous and relatable. But I also found her to be whiny, entitled and self-indulgent. I was also surprised (not knowing too much detail about her relationship with her mother Alice) to find much animosity in this mother/daughter relationship. I didn't know how to take all the gratuitous information about their strained relations - it felt exploitive, considering that these women are both prominent figures in the literary world. Who benefits by letting the world know how ugly they can be to one another?
Finally, I hoped to get a bit more insight into Walker's feelings about being a mother with a husband after having been partnered with women (and trying to get pregnant with some of those partners). Yet while she discusses these relationships in passing, she has very little to say about the different dynamics that go into same-sex parenting vs. "traditional" parenting. Maybe it wasn't an issue that she felt she needed to address, but it felt like a glaring omission to me.
Not sure I feel the need to pick up a Rebecca Walker book in the future.
As a woman who may one day be pregnant, I found Walker's detailed descriptions of pregnancy to be vivid, humorous and relatable. But I also found her to be whiny, entitled and self-indulgent. I was also surprised (not knowing too much detail about her relationship with her mother Alice) to find much animosity in this mother/daughter relationship. I didn't know how to take all the gratuitous information about their strained relations - it felt exploitive, considering that these women are both prominent figures in the literary world. Who benefits by letting the world know how ugly they can be to one another?
Finally, I hoped to get a bit more insight into Walker's feelings about being a mother with a husband after having been partnered with women (and trying to get pregnant with some of those partners). Yet while she discusses these relationships in passing, she has very little to say about the different dynamics that go into same-sex parenting vs. "traditional" parenting. Maybe it wasn't an issue that she felt she needed to address, but it felt like a glaring omission to me.
Not sure I feel the need to pick up a Rebecca Walker book in the future.
July 27, 2007
To be totally honest I came to this book with some preconceived notions after reading several reviews of it. Overall I found it to be a little whiny and very self-absorbed. I was kind of fascinated to see her react to different peoples' take on things and opinions, about her life, about parenthood in general, etc. in a very knee-jerk way - a difference of opinion almost always seems to be taken as a challenge. She'll speak of the truth of others but utterly fail to recognize any kind of relativism in virtually any situation or statement.
There were specific moments in the book where I was taken aback at moments which were mentioned but washed over. Once she's talking to a friend who decided not to have children. Walker quickly glosses over the fact that she's had several major illnesses and goes on to talk about how she wishes she could tell her friend that she is wrong. For Walker, there is no room apparently for physical barriers to pregnancy. This is further exacerbated by her assertion that one can not love an adopted child as much as one's own. Again, no acknowledgment that her truth might not be another's - this is posited as an point of absolution. There is another moment during a birthing class she attends with her male partner, where he asks "Where's the penis?...", after talking about vaginas, etc. the whole class. He is apparently looking for the inherently male role in the process. It has been said in some reviews that the author comes off as narcissistic in this book - based on this exchange I'd say her partner does as well.
I'm a little concerned that the book does not come out to talk about feminism more explicitly. I feel that there is room for it. A little discussion in this vein would add some weight to an otherwise rather fluffy piece, but it does not occur. Instead we are left with a piece that looks, very much, as something that could be considered a post-feminist take on pregnancy and motherhood. I find this very, very unfortunate. The book was a disappointment.
There were specific moments in the book where I was taken aback at moments which were mentioned but washed over. Once she's talking to a friend who decided not to have children. Walker quickly glosses over the fact that she's had several major illnesses and goes on to talk about how she wishes she could tell her friend that she is wrong. For Walker, there is no room apparently for physical barriers to pregnancy. This is further exacerbated by her assertion that one can not love an adopted child as much as one's own. Again, no acknowledgment that her truth might not be another's - this is posited as an point of absolution. There is another moment during a birthing class she attends with her male partner, where he asks "Where's the penis?...", after talking about vaginas, etc. the whole class. He is apparently looking for the inherently male role in the process. It has been said in some reviews that the author comes off as narcissistic in this book - based on this exchange I'd say her partner does as well.
I'm a little concerned that the book does not come out to talk about feminism more explicitly. I feel that there is room for it. A little discussion in this vein would add some weight to an otherwise rather fluffy piece, but it does not occur. Instead we are left with a piece that looks, very much, as something that could be considered a post-feminist take on pregnancy and motherhood. I find this very, very unfortunate. The book was a disappointment.
March 10, 2011
another kind of weird parenting/pregnancy memoir. this one is by rebecca walker, who wrote the memoir black, white, & jewish, which i really liked. rebecca also coined the term "third wave feminism" & has written a lot of interesting things about feminism in the last twenty years. her mother is the writer alice walker, & in the last couple of years, i have read several bizarre essays that rebecca has written about her terrible relationship with her mother. there is a lot of that in this book too. i can relate to have a really fucked up relationship with your mom & your mom making you feel like your birth was a huge mistake & regret. that's a big part of why i no longer have a relationship with my mom. the difference between me & rebecca on this front is partly the fact that i took stock of my relationship with my mom, realized it was toxic, & ended it. rebecca clearly feels that her relationship with her mom is toxic, but keeps asking for apologies & hoping that something will be different. at one point, alice flips out over something rebecca wrote in black, white, & jewish & threatens to write a rebuttal magazine to big name newspaper--a move that could negatively impact rebecca's writing career in huge ways, considering how famous & influential her mom is. rebecca's dad eventually convinces her not to do it, but after that, rebecca is afraid to be alone with her mom. she says she keeps thinking about how marvin gaye was killed by his own father.
i don't know anything about rebecca's relationship with her mom outside of the essays i have read & now this book, but can i just say that hinting that you are afraid you mother might kill you is kind of a huge deal? maybe alice walker is capable of murdering her own child. how do i know? but damn. talk about airing your dirty laundry in public. it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. as many difficulties as i have with my own mom, & as open as i have been with people about it, i have never suggested in a book that i was afraid she might kill me. it's kind of a bridge too far.
other reviewers have pointed out that the book's subtitle, "choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence," is pretty inaccurate, considering that rebecca has been dedicated to becoming a mother for over a decade by the time she actually conceives her son. that doesn't sound too "ambivalent" to me. she goes on & on about her mother conditioned her to believe that a child would just slow down her career & that she'd have to give up her success in order to be a mother--something that alice wasn't really willing to do for rebecca (to hear rebecca say it). but rebecca has wanted to be a mom anyway. so...where exactly is the ambivalence?
rebecca even has a child already--essentially stepson. he is the teenage son of a former romantic partner. rebecca spends holidays & other special time with him, & his mom enrolls him in a school in berkeley, where rebecca lives, so they can have more time together. but i guess that doesn't count. after all, rebecca actually writes in one chapter that the love a person feels for an adopted child or a stepchild can never compare to the love she feels for her own biological child. i can't even begin to imagine how i would feel about that line if i myself had been adopted or had a loving relationship with a stepparent. or if i had an adopted or stepchild. it blows my mind that she actually wrote those words & went to press with them. she even elaborates, saying that she would "do anything, within reason, for [her] stepchild," but she would "do anything, without reason" for her yet-to-be-born biological child. i bet her stepson felt GREAT reading those words. then she says, "i hope this doesn't affect my relationship with my stepson," & then she talks some more about how her mother always made her feel like a burden & a hindrance. um...did she re-read this before she gave it to her publisher?
she also writes a lot about the arguments she & her husband, glen, have over the birth plan. rebecca decides she wants to have a home birth with a midwife & invite all of her closest friends to feed her delicious food every half hour & give her massages & offer the child devotional blessings in a variety of languages after he is born. let's just put aside the fact that rebecca has a wildly unrealistic take on what labor is like. no woman i've ever known ate her way through labor. glen puts the kibosh on this idea right away--not because it's unrealistic, but because he feels that having all those friends there will interrupt the "intimacy" of the birth. meaning his romantic intimacy with rebecca. sounds like glen has got the rose-colored glasses on too when it comes to birth. a woman might not be wearing pants when she gives birth, but that doesn't make it an intimate moment with one's partner. she's generally in too much pain to be thinking that way.
eventually they compromise on a midwife in a hospital birthing suite with a birth pool. they then hire a private childbirth to come by their house & give them a four-hour childbirth education class. they learn all about effacement & dilation & the three stages of labor & the ten best positions that labor partners can assume. two & a half hours in, glen interrupts to complain that all he's hearing about are uteruses & vaginas. "where's the penis?" he asks. he feels that he was an equal partner in the conception; he wants to be an equal partner in the birth, & just being a labor partner isn't good enough.
dude? i'm sure that if rebecca could find a way to make you feel half the pain of labor, she would. but childbirth is pretty much all about the person who has the uterus & the vagina. so shut the fuck up.
rebecca, however, takes glen's side & feels that the fact that birth has no place for men is endemic of the fact that feminism in general has no place for men. & this is a bad thing. i...what...i don't...this makes NO SENSE. my mind was blown.
there's also this whole passage about how there are no high-profile black male thinkers or politicians that can stir the public to understanding through great oratory. this book was published in 2007, the year before barack obama was elected president. how was she to have known, i guess? but it does significantly date the book. i wonder if she watched the election results roll in & was like, "yay! obama won! oh fuck! my book!"
there was another weird part about how feminism hurts men by suggesting that women don't need men. she goes on & on about how much it would hurt glen if rebecca were to say she didn't need him--just as it would "wreck" her if she said she didn't need him. i guess every relationship is different, but i would flee to the hillsides if jared ever started saying he "needed" me or asking if i "need" him. it's definitely nice to have him around because he's cute & funny & he kills spiders for me & is teaching me how to drive, but "need" smacks of control & control smacks of abuse. it's a slippery slope.
i mean, i get that rebecca grew up in the complicated shadow of her mother's own formidable feminist legacy, & she is trying to carve out her own embrace of feminism while distancing herself from the often toxic lessons of her mother. but sometimes it goes in a really weird direction.
i didn't hate the book. i enjoyed the diary-tyle parts about the pregnancy, for the most part. but the more scholarly/traditional memoir bits that knit them together often rubbed me the wrong way. i'd say, check it out, see what you think, but walk in with your eyes open. this book is not for everyone, not even all feminists that are interested in pregnancy.
i don't know anything about rebecca's relationship with her mom outside of the essays i have read & now this book, but can i just say that hinting that you are afraid you mother might kill you is kind of a huge deal? maybe alice walker is capable of murdering her own child. how do i know? but damn. talk about airing your dirty laundry in public. it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. as many difficulties as i have with my own mom, & as open as i have been with people about it, i have never suggested in a book that i was afraid she might kill me. it's kind of a bridge too far.
other reviewers have pointed out that the book's subtitle, "choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence," is pretty inaccurate, considering that rebecca has been dedicated to becoming a mother for over a decade by the time she actually conceives her son. that doesn't sound too "ambivalent" to me. she goes on & on about her mother conditioned her to believe that a child would just slow down her career & that she'd have to give up her success in order to be a mother--something that alice wasn't really willing to do for rebecca (to hear rebecca say it). but rebecca has wanted to be a mom anyway. so...where exactly is the ambivalence?
rebecca even has a child already--essentially stepson. he is the teenage son of a former romantic partner. rebecca spends holidays & other special time with him, & his mom enrolls him in a school in berkeley, where rebecca lives, so they can have more time together. but i guess that doesn't count. after all, rebecca actually writes in one chapter that the love a person feels for an adopted child or a stepchild can never compare to the love she feels for her own biological child. i can't even begin to imagine how i would feel about that line if i myself had been adopted or had a loving relationship with a stepparent. or if i had an adopted or stepchild. it blows my mind that she actually wrote those words & went to press with them. she even elaborates, saying that she would "do anything, within reason, for [her] stepchild," but she would "do anything, without reason" for her yet-to-be-born biological child. i bet her stepson felt GREAT reading those words. then she says, "i hope this doesn't affect my relationship with my stepson," & then she talks some more about how her mother always made her feel like a burden & a hindrance. um...did she re-read this before she gave it to her publisher?
she also writes a lot about the arguments she & her husband, glen, have over the birth plan. rebecca decides she wants to have a home birth with a midwife & invite all of her closest friends to feed her delicious food every half hour & give her massages & offer the child devotional blessings in a variety of languages after he is born. let's just put aside the fact that rebecca has a wildly unrealistic take on what labor is like. no woman i've ever known ate her way through labor. glen puts the kibosh on this idea right away--not because it's unrealistic, but because he feels that having all those friends there will interrupt the "intimacy" of the birth. meaning his romantic intimacy with rebecca. sounds like glen has got the rose-colored glasses on too when it comes to birth. a woman might not be wearing pants when she gives birth, but that doesn't make it an intimate moment with one's partner. she's generally in too much pain to be thinking that way.
eventually they compromise on a midwife in a hospital birthing suite with a birth pool. they then hire a private childbirth to come by their house & give them a four-hour childbirth education class. they learn all about effacement & dilation & the three stages of labor & the ten best positions that labor partners can assume. two & a half hours in, glen interrupts to complain that all he's hearing about are uteruses & vaginas. "where's the penis?" he asks. he feels that he was an equal partner in the conception; he wants to be an equal partner in the birth, & just being a labor partner isn't good enough.
dude? i'm sure that if rebecca could find a way to make you feel half the pain of labor, she would. but childbirth is pretty much all about the person who has the uterus & the vagina. so shut the fuck up.
rebecca, however, takes glen's side & feels that the fact that birth has no place for men is endemic of the fact that feminism in general has no place for men. & this is a bad thing. i...what...i don't...this makes NO SENSE. my mind was blown.
there's also this whole passage about how there are no high-profile black male thinkers or politicians that can stir the public to understanding through great oratory. this book was published in 2007, the year before barack obama was elected president. how was she to have known, i guess? but it does significantly date the book. i wonder if she watched the election results roll in & was like, "yay! obama won! oh fuck! my book!"
there was another weird part about how feminism hurts men by suggesting that women don't need men. she goes on & on about how much it would hurt glen if rebecca were to say she didn't need him--just as it would "wreck" her if she said she didn't need him. i guess every relationship is different, but i would flee to the hillsides if jared ever started saying he "needed" me or asking if i "need" him. it's definitely nice to have him around because he's cute & funny & he kills spiders for me & is teaching me how to drive, but "need" smacks of control & control smacks of abuse. it's a slippery slope.
i mean, i get that rebecca grew up in the complicated shadow of her mother's own formidable feminist legacy, & she is trying to carve out her own embrace of feminism while distancing herself from the often toxic lessons of her mother. but sometimes it goes in a really weird direction.
i didn't hate the book. i enjoyed the diary-tyle parts about the pregnancy, for the most part. but the more scholarly/traditional memoir bits that knit them together often rubbed me the wrong way. i'd say, check it out, see what you think, but walk in with your eyes open. this book is not for everyone, not even all feminists that are interested in pregnancy.
February 29, 2008
I think the subtitle of this book was a little misleading, the whole title is Baby Love: choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence. The subtitle made me think that basically after a lifetime of NOT wanting children the author suddenly changed her mind and did have a child. But, basically she always wanted children, but felt like she was not equipped to be a good mother and/or felt like she couldn't successfully "have it all".
I have always felt like I didn't want to have kids, but occasionally wonder if I'll regret it one day (mostly I think about it since EVERYONE I know is having kids like it's going out of style). So, I guess I was hoping that this book would shed some light on my questions if the author was like me. But, she always wanted kids, but was kindof afraid to actually go through with it. Overall, the book was OK - all her freaking out about everything and the horrific birth definitely did NOT make me lean more toward wanting to have kids...but the writing was good and it was a fast read.
I have always felt like I didn't want to have kids, but occasionally wonder if I'll regret it one day (mostly I think about it since EVERYONE I know is having kids like it's going out of style). So, I guess I was hoping that this book would shed some light on my questions if the author was like me. But, she always wanted kids, but was kindof afraid to actually go through with it. Overall, the book was OK - all her freaking out about everything and the horrific birth definitely did NOT make me lean more toward wanting to have kids...but the writing was good and it was a fast read.
June 20, 2016
This book should be retitled as Baby Love: How to be an entitled pregnant woman and shame truly ambivalent mothers.
November 12, 2007
I came to this book with big plans of loving it, but as I began turning pages I realized that big love wasn't going to happen. I was expecting insight and revelation, but instead I found a narrow perspective and underwhelming narrative. A disappointing read, overall.
I fully agree with my fellow readers who note the author's incredible self-absorption. Granted, when you're pregnant, you should be allowed to think about yourself a great deal, but if you're writing a book with the subline "Choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence," perhaps you should paint a picture that goes beyond the boundaries of your own limited experience.
I also agree with the reviewer who said that Walker's opening statement about telling everyone for the last 15 years that she wants to have a baby is anything but ambivalent.
The book is also a bit too confessional for me at times, but my main complaint is really the false advertising surrounding this book. It should have been billed as a personal diary, not as an insightful book that shines "a bright light on the Ambivalent Generation." As a part of the Ambivalent Generation, I can say I found no such light anywhere in this book.
I fully agree with my fellow readers who note the author's incredible self-absorption. Granted, when you're pregnant, you should be allowed to think about yourself a great deal, but if you're writing a book with the subline "Choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence," perhaps you should paint a picture that goes beyond the boundaries of your own limited experience.
I also agree with the reviewer who said that Walker's opening statement about telling everyone for the last 15 years that she wants to have a baby is anything but ambivalent.
The book is also a bit too confessional for me at times, but my main complaint is really the false advertising surrounding this book. It should have been billed as a personal diary, not as an insightful book that shines "a bright light on the Ambivalent Generation." As a part of the Ambivalent Generation, I can say I found no such light anywhere in this book.
December 29, 2010
The sub-title to this book, "Choosing Motherhood After a Lifetime of Ambivalence" sounded really different and interesting to me. So many books on motherhood come from women who always wanted to be mothers, I was excited to read about another point of view and how it turned out. Unfortunately, I found it hard to identify with Walker as the book progressed, and found it hard to connect with her story.
I am familiar with Rebecca Walker's "Third Wave" feminist anthologies, however I didn't realize that this was the same Rebecca Walker until she mentioned her mother - (which she does as soon as possible, on page 6 of the book) writer Alice Walker. I also didn't know that the two women were on bad terms. From the first mention of her mother in the opening pages to the last one on the last pages of the book, Walker's story is less about her "ambivalence" towards motherhood and more about her difficult relationship with her famous mother, and how it effects her own views on becoming a parent. Still an interesting story, but I found the constant griping about her mother to be tiresome and indulgent. It seemed less like Walker had an experience to share, and more like a score to settle, more like she wanted a space to air out details of this complicated mother-daughter relationship.
Comments made by Walker in "Baby Love" might be upsetting to those in families with adopted children. The fourth chapter begins with her claiming that the love that people have for their non-biological children isn't "the same" as the love for their biological children. It would have been so much better if she had just said "it was different for ME", then gone to explain, but instead she takes her personal experience and applies it to all, which I found off-putting.
Overall I would like to give this book 2.5 stars, but that's not an option, and I just can't give it three.
I am familiar with Rebecca Walker's "Third Wave" feminist anthologies, however I didn't realize that this was the same Rebecca Walker until she mentioned her mother - (which she does as soon as possible, on page 6 of the book) writer Alice Walker. I also didn't know that the two women were on bad terms. From the first mention of her mother in the opening pages to the last one on the last pages of the book, Walker's story is less about her "ambivalence" towards motherhood and more about her difficult relationship with her famous mother, and how it effects her own views on becoming a parent. Still an interesting story, but I found the constant griping about her mother to be tiresome and indulgent. It seemed less like Walker had an experience to share, and more like a score to settle, more like she wanted a space to air out details of this complicated mother-daughter relationship.
Comments made by Walker in "Baby Love" might be upsetting to those in families with adopted children. The fourth chapter begins with her claiming that the love that people have for their non-biological children isn't "the same" as the love for their biological children. It would have been so much better if she had just said "it was different for ME", then gone to explain, but instead she takes her personal experience and applies it to all, which I found off-putting.
Overall I would like to give this book 2.5 stars, but that's not an option, and I just can't give it three.
July 7, 2007
I enjoyed this book and appreciated the perspective on pregnancy offered through the Third Wave Feminist lens moments such as when she worries about loss of her life and former self. I also enjoyed her point of view as a writer dealing w/ daily tasks of writing and fulfilling assignments while "ding pregnancy". She says at one point she says something like "My mind doesn't sparkle today, which is hard when you are in a profession that demands sparkle"--> exactly how I feel a lot of these days!! That being said I had MANY issues with it. First, as a big fan of Alice Walker, I was at times taken aback by the evil, negligent mother of her in this book. Second, I didn't identify with her incessant almost obsessive somehow linked to a primordial urge longing to be a parent. Third, I was troubled by her thoughts on the difference in how parents love adopted and biological children. Fourth, I didnt enjoy the dichotomy she sets up btw how her mother mothers and how she will mother. In the end I would say def. worth the read especially if you have others to discuss with.
October 13, 2014
This is really more like 2.5 stars, because while it was thought-provoking at times, it was also incredibly annoying. Major Annoyance #1 is that the "ambivalent" author tells us she has been obsessing about having a baby for 10-15 years. I don't think that word means what you think it means...
Major Annoyance #2 is that the blurbs promised an exploration of the transformation from daughter to mother, and yet Walker and her mother aren't speaking for most of the book and by the end have written each other off. That seems a more dramatic transition than most and left little to explore.
Major Annoyance #3 is that the birth of her son gives Walker the predictable license to say that until a woman has a baby, she isn't fully living or fully loving. Go feminism.
In between the annoyances was my usual fascination with pregnancy and childbirth, things I will, without ambivalence, never experience.
Major Annoyance #2 is that the blurbs promised an exploration of the transformation from daughter to mother, and yet Walker and her mother aren't speaking for most of the book and by the end have written each other off. That seems a more dramatic transition than most and left little to explore.
Major Annoyance #3 is that the birth of her son gives Walker the predictable license to say that until a woman has a baby, she isn't fully living or fully loving. Go feminism.
In between the annoyances was my usual fascination with pregnancy and childbirth, things I will, without ambivalence, never experience.
March 13, 2008
This is a very sweet journal of Rebecca Walker's journey of first time pregnancy. The reality of becoming a mother for the first time forces the author to take a long look at her own relationship with her mother, famous author, Alice Walker. She discusses in depth the pain and anguish her own mother caused her during her life and how she will not make those same mistakes. Ms. Walker came under fire in this book after making the statement that one cannot possibly love an adoptive child more than a biological one. Other than that sudden lapse in judgment which I will chalk-up to the giddy excitement of becoming a new mother—this book is very sweet and as always I love her tone.
October 28, 2008
Not as good as I expected. I actually found it pretty depressing. For a book with "love" in the title, there was almost no exploration of actual love. While there were some passages I found very validating, this book spent a lot of time on her anxieties about pregnancy and motherhood, the tragic falling-out with her mother and consumer choices. I enjoyed her realizations about her relationship with her partner and the little she wrote about her buddhist faith. I can't recommend this one--which is a shame because I would like to read more memoirs by women of color like this.
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March 22, 2017Not the kind of thing I would usually read, but, you know, I’m going through some life changes so it’s interesting to see how others have dealt with similar changes. (I held off on posting this because it was a secret that my wife was pregnant; but now she's given birth to a beautiful baby boy, so here's my review--though, to be honest, my son is much better than my review.) To wit: After a lifetime of conflicted feelings about motherhood (mostly related to her own mother), Rebecca Walker decides to have a child. This is the diary and reflections she has on being pregnant and a mother.
Now, Rebecca Walker isn’t much like me: she’s the black-white-Jewish daughter of a famous writer, married to a black Buddhist, living on the west coast and making a living as a writer. But despite those differences, there’s probably some universal - - or at least heavily culturally-mediated - - similarities. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told: I’ve never been a mother.
(While mother’s hormones are changing, are any of them leaking into the environment and affecting the other people/animals close by? What does science say?)
I laughed a bunch, because Rebecca Walker is intentionally funny. But I never found myself crying or really feeling all that connected to her. Part of that is the wide differences of interest between us, for instance, Walker’s interest in holistic medicine. Some of it is also her lifestyle (flying for a talk, writing nonfiction for a textbook) and her parents (divorced, problematic in a way that mine aren’t).
Which leads me to be somewhat less sympathetic to Walker than I would want to be. That is, when I read a memoir, I want to feel along with the person, but here I felt like I was riding the surface, able to think about her actions (and judging them) from afar. And that feels bad in part because having a kid is perhaps the best way to get strangers to judge you constantly, which is exactly what I was doing. And yet, when Walker talks about how her mother is cold and withholding and then turns around and demands her mom apologize to her, well, I was left scratching my head more over the daughter’s actions then the mom’s. In a way, Walker is less ambivalent about motherhood than she is about daughterhood. (Which she pretty much says: having such a difficult relation with her mother, what will she do for her son?)
And that, to me, is something like a symptom of her self-centeredness, which was very interesting from a memoiristic standpoint: Walker is not interested in sanding off her rough edges, and that takes a certain amount of courage (or a lot of self-blindness). It results in an interesting read, but not always a pleasant one.
Maybe that’s a good intro to parenthood.
Now, Rebecca Walker isn’t much like me: she’s the black-white-Jewish daughter of a famous writer, married to a black Buddhist, living on the west coast and making a living as a writer. But despite those differences, there’s probably some universal - - or at least heavily culturally-mediated - - similarities. Or at least that’s what I’ve been told: I’ve never been a mother.
(While mother’s hormones are changing, are any of them leaking into the environment and affecting the other people/animals close by? What does science say?)
I laughed a bunch, because Rebecca Walker is intentionally funny. But I never found myself crying or really feeling all that connected to her. Part of that is the wide differences of interest between us, for instance, Walker’s interest in holistic medicine. Some of it is also her lifestyle (flying for a talk, writing nonfiction for a textbook) and her parents (divorced, problematic in a way that mine aren’t).
Which leads me to be somewhat less sympathetic to Walker than I would want to be. That is, when I read a memoir, I want to feel along with the person, but here I felt like I was riding the surface, able to think about her actions (and judging them) from afar. And that feels bad in part because having a kid is perhaps the best way to get strangers to judge you constantly, which is exactly what I was doing. And yet, when Walker talks about how her mother is cold and withholding and then turns around and demands her mom apologize to her, well, I was left scratching my head more over the daughter’s actions then the mom’s. In a way, Walker is less ambivalent about motherhood than she is about daughterhood. (Which she pretty much says: having such a difficult relation with her mother, what will she do for her son?)
And that, to me, is something like a symptom of her self-centeredness, which was very interesting from a memoiristic standpoint: Walker is not interested in sanding off her rough edges, and that takes a certain amount of courage (or a lot of self-blindness). It results in an interesting read, but not always a pleasant one.
Maybe that’s a good intro to parenthood.
June 14, 2009
I just read about this book at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/art... .
Rebecca Walker is the daughter of author Alice Walker, who wrote "The Color Purple". The article teaser is what made me interested in reading this book.
"She's revered as a trail-blazing feminist and author Alice Walker touched the lives of a generation of women. A champion of women's rights, she has always argued that motherhood is a form of servitude. But one woman didn't buy in to Alice's beliefs - her daughter, Rebecca, 38.
Here the writer describes what it was like to grow up as the daughter of a cultural icon, and why she feels so blessed to be the sort of woman 64-year-old Alice despises - a mother. "
********************
I read this book in about 30 minutes. It is not terribly well written. It is in the form of a journal from the time the author discovers she is pregnant, to the birth of her son. I began skipping sections where the "what will I do?" introspection became too much.
What was most interesting to me in this book were the unspoken moments about her mother. She is very respectful in the book, not slamming or openly criticizing her mother, but the unspoken moments are there. After having read a bit more about Alice Walker, the author's mother, I feel very sorry for Rebecca. She was taught to despise men, to reject motherhood, and to look at children as a burden. Success for a woman (according to Alice Walker) was being free and having no burdens to hold you back. That Rebecca overcome all this "training" and decided to have a baby is encouraging. What is less encouraging is that she sought not a husband, but a "father for her baby". She also thinks about having a baby as something she may have to do alone in case her partner leaves. So she is preparing for a relationship with her husband only for the sake of having a baby.
What will be interesting is to see if her relationship with her husband lasts, and what happens to her son. She is raising a son but has experience only as being a daughter, so if she does leave her husband what will she teach her son?
So while I found the book to be fairly mediocre, the fact that she has come out of a very sad family situation growing up into at least a real family, is a wonderful thing. I credit her for writing the book. I wonder if she will ever be reconciled with her mother for having her son?
Rebecca Walker is the daughter of author Alice Walker, who wrote "The Color Purple". The article teaser is what made me interested in reading this book.
"She's revered as a trail-blazing feminist and author Alice Walker touched the lives of a generation of women. A champion of women's rights, she has always argued that motherhood is a form of servitude. But one woman didn't buy in to Alice's beliefs - her daughter, Rebecca, 38.
Here the writer describes what it was like to grow up as the daughter of a cultural icon, and why she feels so blessed to be the sort of woman 64-year-old Alice despises - a mother. "
********************
I read this book in about 30 minutes. It is not terribly well written. It is in the form of a journal from the time the author discovers she is pregnant, to the birth of her son. I began skipping sections where the "what will I do?" introspection became too much.
What was most interesting to me in this book were the unspoken moments about her mother. She is very respectful in the book, not slamming or openly criticizing her mother, but the unspoken moments are there. After having read a bit more about Alice Walker, the author's mother, I feel very sorry for Rebecca. She was taught to despise men, to reject motherhood, and to look at children as a burden. Success for a woman (according to Alice Walker) was being free and having no burdens to hold you back. That Rebecca overcome all this "training" and decided to have a baby is encouraging. What is less encouraging is that she sought not a husband, but a "father for her baby". She also thinks about having a baby as something she may have to do alone in case her partner leaves. So she is preparing for a relationship with her husband only for the sake of having a baby.
What will be interesting is to see if her relationship with her husband lasts, and what happens to her son. She is raising a son but has experience only as being a daughter, so if she does leave her husband what will she teach her son?
So while I found the book to be fairly mediocre, the fact that she has come out of a very sad family situation growing up into at least a real family, is a wonderful thing. I credit her for writing the book. I wonder if she will ever be reconciled with her mother for having her son?
April 19, 2012
Like many others the title was definitely misleading. I thought this would be about how a woman went from not knowing if she ever wanted children to choosing to be a mother and her journey with that. But it was clear this woman always wanted children so I'm not sure why she wrote that as the title.
Still it was an interesting read. It reminded me of Anne Lamott's book though which personally I thought was way more interesting and written much better.
All of her descriptions of her husband just annoyed me. Her view that the birth experience was just not just own but was his too also infuriated me. She is the one birthing- not him! Yes it is his child too but this is HER birthing experience and she should have held fast to how she wanted to do it. The father is there as support and that is great but he's not pushing a baby out.
Also her insistence on taking antidepressants while pregnant while not even trying to seek an alternative was hard to understand. She just came off as selfish, needy and self-absorbed.
I find it strange she wants so badly to lean towards homeopathic medicines and alternatives yet stayed on the antidepressants and left the hospital against medical advice but then at the end of the book prides herself on her epidural. I can't tell where she stands really on anything.
Also - writing awful things about your real mother in a book for all to read is slightly tacky. I just didn't like that. Imagining her reading that was sad.
I haven't read any of her other books but I'm not sure that I would want to. It was a quick and easy read. I just wish there was more to it.
Still it was an interesting read. It reminded me of Anne Lamott's book though which personally I thought was way more interesting and written much better.
All of her descriptions of her husband just annoyed me. Her view that the birth experience was just not just own but was his too also infuriated me. She is the one birthing- not him! Yes it is his child too but this is HER birthing experience and she should have held fast to how she wanted to do it. The father is there as support and that is great but he's not pushing a baby out.
Also her insistence on taking antidepressants while pregnant while not even trying to seek an alternative was hard to understand. She just came off as selfish, needy and self-absorbed.
I find it strange she wants so badly to lean towards homeopathic medicines and alternatives yet stayed on the antidepressants and left the hospital against medical advice but then at the end of the book prides herself on her epidural. I can't tell where she stands really on anything.
Also - writing awful things about your real mother in a book for all to read is slightly tacky. I just didn't like that. Imagining her reading that was sad.
I haven't read any of her other books but I'm not sure that I would want to. It was a quick and easy read. I just wish there was more to it.
June 4, 2008
I think the ambivalence part comes from her but also from her own mother and her fear of how that would affect her parenting skills. I did not like this book and did not finish it so I'm not going to claim to be the best judge of it. But, I know how hard it is to ask for money from your parents. I know how hard it is to stand on your own two feet and not accept or ask help from anyone. I did not suspect she was not in that type of position. She has a partner. She has a job, an education and is in a much better place than some other mothers out there. Being a mom is hard. Do I complain? Yes. It's not that she doesn't have a right to complain but I couldn't read one more page about the things she was complaining about when there are some people out there that are in debt and worried about where their next meal is going to come from and she's worried about organic food. How about just being thankful for having food in the first place? I guess if I look at the book in a different light, as a memoir of her life and that's it, I might have been able to finish it. But maybe not. She is the daughter of a lawyer and an accomplished author, I'm sure that comes with its own set of problems but I couldn't relate. I'd much rather read Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions.
December 29, 2019
Baby Love by Rebecca Walker was a book I chose to read that was featured in Well-Read Black Girl (which I previously reviewed). I cannot write a synopsis better than that of the inside flap of this book. Therefore, I won’t. “Rebecca Walker is a member of a watershed generation of women, the first to take Roe v. Wade for granted, the first to believe that no profession or lifestyle was unattainable. But beneath the promise of ‘having it all’ were mixed messages about motherhood: a woman risked being emotionally drained and intellectually stunted, losing herself in the process of caring for another.” This is how I’ve always felt about pregnancy until reading this book, which I believe is a symptom of my generation as well.
Rebecca Walker’s commentary regarding her pregnancy felt absurdly personal with an immeasurable level of vulnerability. She did not stray away from sharing her struggle with depression and with her relationship with her mother. I enjoyed this insight into her life. Her discussion of her own abortion took me by surprise; it was a chapter of complete honesty and vulnerability. Though I could never been so exposed, I commend Rebecca Walker for sharing her experience with me, allowing me to have a new perspective in my arsenal.
Rebecca Walker’s commentary regarding her pregnancy felt absurdly personal with an immeasurable level of vulnerability. She did not stray away from sharing her struggle with depression and with her relationship with her mother. I enjoyed this insight into her life. Her discussion of her own abortion took me by surprise; it was a chapter of complete honesty and vulnerability. Though I could never been so exposed, I commend Rebecca Walker for sharing her experience with me, allowing me to have a new perspective in my arsenal.
July 18, 2007
every detail of this woman having a baby from the point at which she can't imagine ever having a child, through every month of pregnancy, the birth (in detail, i cannot imagine how she can remember each hour...) and the months afterwards where she dealt with the baby's problems resulting from the birth (and probably the fact that she decided against a top notch medical facility for a homier alternative clinic). interesting to read someone's account but for some reason it was not as good as i think it could have been.
November 9, 2017
"Human beings crave narrative because we glimpse the universal through the specific and feel less alone."
As others have pointed out, the subtitle is tremendously misleading, because Walker has apparently been wanting a baby for years and regularly told strangers as much. There were highlights (her mother, famous novelist Alice Walker, is apparently horrible), but overall, Walker comes across as distant and uninviting. I'm glad things worked out for her in the end, and I wish her well, but it was a mediocre memoir.
December 14, 2010
Picked this book up based on the tag line, Choosing Motherhood after a Lifetime of Ambivalence and also because my very good friend was thinking about having a baby. Well I've finally read the book (didn't want to give it out only to hear it was horrible). As usual when picking a book (anything) with the thought 'oh, soandso, may like/need/enjoy this book', I'm the one that needs to read it. For one this book finally has me ceding the point that ambivalence is not about not caring but more being torn between different actions, decisions, etc. I'm not going against the other reviewers that ambivalence was the wrong word for the author just stating a personal conclusion. The author actually makes very little case for what was pulling her away from having the kid other then bad relationships and perhaps some sanity since she's only 33 which is certainly still young enough but hopefully more mature. Second this is a good pick for me, because you really need to forgive the author for some very obvious issues/choices/relationships/selfcenteredness/inconsistency/snarkiness. Forgiveness isn't really my thing most times but seeing how this author works through some of the family and personal forgiveness was good for me. She's human, I'm human, and really I'm no better. I read the book in pieces, fits and starts which was probably good and smart since she could get annoying if taken in one big lump. In pieces, I found it easier to be compassionate and allow her that self centered, inconsistent, blindness. She's an interesting mess. I do wonder what my friend would think of this book and not even so much for the baby aspect of it but more for the other issues the author has struggled through.
January 12, 2009
I love Rebecca Walker. Love her! I love that she's ambivalent and obsessive about all the same things I would be ambivalent and obsessive about...at least when it comes to having a baby.
Since she wrote this journal-style, at times it feels a little too close to reading your own diary, which makes it fun to read (as in, what would I write if I were Rebecca Walker?), but also makes me wonder how much she edited and re-wrote. Perhaps there is pride in using raw material? Or perhaps I loved it because it feels so comfortable, like something you can slip into over breakfast or with a glass of wine. I wouldn't say it's in my top ten favorite books of all time; but it is interesting, fun, and deliciously real.
The issues that ensue with her mother, Alice Walker, are beyond heartbreaking. Because Alice was my first love of the Walker family, I feel like there must be more to the story. She must have suffered some sort of abuse at the hands of her daughter; why else would you disown your 34-year-old brilliant, amazing, feminist, book-writing, pregnant daughter? From Rebecca's perspective, it sounds absolutely insane. That while she was pregnant, Rebecca's father wrote a letter to her mother in an attempt to convince her to be reasonable supports Rebecca's version of the story. That they're no longer talking means that something major happened, and I tend to believe Rebecca. How sad for both of them, and especially for baby Tenzin. Read more about the rift in How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart.
Since she wrote this journal-style, at times it feels a little too close to reading your own diary, which makes it fun to read (as in, what would I write if I were Rebecca Walker?), but also makes me wonder how much she edited and re-wrote. Perhaps there is pride in using raw material? Or perhaps I loved it because it feels so comfortable, like something you can slip into over breakfast or with a glass of wine. I wouldn't say it's in my top ten favorite books of all time; but it is interesting, fun, and deliciously real.
The issues that ensue with her mother, Alice Walker, are beyond heartbreaking. Because Alice was my first love of the Walker family, I feel like there must be more to the story. She must have suffered some sort of abuse at the hands of her daughter; why else would you disown your 34-year-old brilliant, amazing, feminist, book-writing, pregnant daughter? From Rebecca's perspective, it sounds absolutely insane. That while she was pregnant, Rebecca's father wrote a letter to her mother in an attempt to convince her to be reasonable supports Rebecca's version of the story. That they're no longer talking means that something major happened, and I tend to believe Rebecca. How sad for both of them, and especially for baby Tenzin. Read more about the rift in How My Mother's Fanatical Views Tore Us Apart.
July 29, 2008
I realize the publishers may have added the subtitle to Baby Love but "Choosing Motherhood After a Lifetime of Ambivalence" is totally misleading. Rebecca Walker always wanted children. She had the same fears we all have: Who will I have a child with? How will we pay for it? Will the baby be healthy? What kind of parent will I be? She's not really ambivalent about choosing motherhood.
The core issue is that Walker has a stormy relationship with her mother, Alice Walker. If you're curious about Alice Walker's family, you can get a window (at least her daughter's perspective) by reading this book, but as a pregnancy memoir, I wasn't really satisfied with this book. I felt particularly unsympathetic to Rebecca Walker's politics and viewpoint. She's a feminist liberal, which normally jives with my outlook, but her interpretation of the world feels so politicized and extreme to me, and her concerns in the face of her privilege just sound like making problems where they are not. Even when there are genuine problems, her approach to handling them was alien to me. I finally related to her as a person at her child's birth, but it was a long book to read to get there.
The core issue is that Walker has a stormy relationship with her mother, Alice Walker. If you're curious about Alice Walker's family, you can get a window (at least her daughter's perspective) by reading this book, but as a pregnancy memoir, I wasn't really satisfied with this book. I felt particularly unsympathetic to Rebecca Walker's politics and viewpoint. She's a feminist liberal, which normally jives with my outlook, but her interpretation of the world feels so politicized and extreme to me, and her concerns in the face of her privilege just sound like making problems where they are not. Even when there are genuine problems, her approach to handling them was alien to me. I finally related to her as a person at her child's birth, but it was a long book to read to get there.
November 20, 2014
I came to this book with absolutely no expectations or knowledge of Rebecca Walker. What I found was a deeply personal reflection on motherhood and what it means to a self actualized, creative, working woman to choose motherhood. People quibble over the title. I understood the ambivalence relating to how she was raised. She has a perspective on the values she was taught by her mother. Like all new parents do as they sit sniffing the smell of a newborns little head on their chest, she ponders what kind of mother she will be. She notices the strong feelings and instincts she has in HONESTY. This book is not about what you are supposed to feel or do, this is her account of what birth and early parenting felt like for her. What connections came up in her mind as she navigated her new role? How would she do what every parent resolves and has resolved since the beginning of people: give my baby better than what I had. I recomend this book wholeheartedly.
March 10, 2008
I read this book after having my kid. I was interested in what this woman had to say having been 'ambivalent'- as I was -about the whole baby making thing.
Turns out, its just the journal of another yuppie-buddhist. She actually has to name drop her associations with the Dalai Lama! But that could be a sympton of her journalist backround too. In this context it just seems like ridiculous 'foreshadowing' for her choice of naming her child.
Only consider this book if you want to feel better about your own resolutions on the matter and not if you are looking for some sort of insightful discussion that will inform that tricky situation many women face as they try to actually allow themselves to get knocked up.
Turns out, its just the journal of another yuppie-buddhist. She actually has to name drop her associations with the Dalai Lama! But that could be a sympton of her journalist backround too. In this context it just seems like ridiculous 'foreshadowing' for her choice of naming her child.
Only consider this book if you want to feel better about your own resolutions on the matter and not if you are looking for some sort of insightful discussion that will inform that tricky situation many women face as they try to actually allow themselves to get knocked up.
April 19, 2009
This book was not at all what I anticipated it would be. I think the subtitle "choosing motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence" is quite misleading given that the author acknowledges in the first chapter that she has always wanted a child, that she's wanted a baby for 15 years. What follows is her account of choosing a partner and the experience of being pregnant and giving birth. I expected, because of what I know of her background, for Walker to make different choices regarding the birth experience as well as the pregnancy experience. Instead it was fairly typical and her writing about it was at times frustrating and irritating. I thought it would provide more insight on the decision to have a child and the motivations therein, but that was not a topic covered.
April 13, 2011
Having recently read this book I hardly remember it other than Rebecca Walker's seemingly lucky find in a partner to conceive with and her harsh assessment of her mother. She comes across as unbelievably privileged ala Eat, Pray, Love, which I HATED. I really don't understand what her struggle is. She loved a woman who had a son to whom she became a surrogate parent and they wanted to have a child of their own, her relationship with the woman ended but she still is part of the young man's life, she meets a man with whom she conceives and seems to have a great relationship with, and she doesn't get along with her mom. What's so horrible? I'm totally over wealthy, entitled people writing about their life changing experiences. This one was bleh in the mommy lit arena.
January 7, 2023
This was a quick, enjoyable read. I was drawn to it because of my own ambivalence about having children, and I hoped that reading about someone else's experience would be helpful in puzzling out all my own questions: When you think about wanting to have a child, how do you know if you want it enough? Is it admirable to want to be a different kind of parent, and to fight to preserve certain other parts of your life, or is it hopelessly naive?
Anyway...the book was interesting to me in the way that many memoirs are interesting to me--window into someone else's experience--although it was perhaps less instructive for my thinking than I anticipated.
Anyway...the book was interesting to me in the way that many memoirs are interesting to me--window into someone else's experience--although it was perhaps less instructive for my thinking than I anticipated.
February 14, 2011
I love the simplicity and honesty of Rebecca Walker's writing. I see that a lot of people here are bothered by her "assertions." That she is making judgments about all women who do this or do that. I didn't see that. And maybe I'm biased because I just met her - she is merely telling her story. What she sees, feels, thinks. That's all. I never saw her say in the book: and this is what you should think too. Just one woman's story of pregnancy through birth.
March 20, 2011
So much of what she has to say resonates with me.
"And I thought that really, when it comes down to it, that's what life is all about: showing up for the people you love, again and again, until you can't show up anymore."
"And I thought that really, when it comes down to it, that's what life is all about: showing up for the people you love, again and again, until you can't show up anymore."
December 17, 2014
Not really ambivalent. She says in the first pages she's always wanted a baby. I was also disappointed this was the story of her pregnancy and birth, not her experience post-birth which seems much harder.
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