Sex Educated: Letters from a Latter-day Saint Therapist to Her Younger Self

by Bonnie Young, Sam Petersen (Editor)

Sex Letters from a Latter-day Saint Therapist to Her Younger Self is a fine example of how to delicately and appropriately discuss matters of sexuality with girls and women. By using the approach of writing letters to her younger self as a frame for teaching about sexuality the author presents sexuality in a wonderful tone from a trusted source. She does so with an engaging and gradual discussion of sexual maturity for younger girls and then transitions to a more direct description of sexuality as her letters progress to her older self. In this way the added level of directness does not come across as jarring or inappropriate, rather it is just a natural progression like sexuality development is in life. It is a good model for parents to follow in their attempts to educate children. Additionally, by having consistent discussion across the lifespan this book includes enough detail to be much more useful than the general talk about sexuality many parents are prone to give in their awkward "birds and bees" discussion, yet this additional detail is in no way tawdry or inappropriate. It includes discussing specific body parts and purposes, ways of managing sexual arousal and desire during adolescence and dating relationships, learning to adjust to sexuality during marriage, challenges that may occur during pregnancy and child rearing and aging, and above all the importance of expressing sexuality in a way that honors the needs of women within a spiritual framework. I think this is an invaluable book for both mothers and fathers and daughters.-Dr. Dean Busby, Director of BYU's School of Family Life

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Religion

154 pages, Paperback

Published February 1, 2023

Reviews

[Morgan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can see how this will be revolutionary for some, but I found it lacking depth. I agree with another reviewer that the letters to her younger self format tends to make the book awkward, and in some ways get in the way of what the author is trying to accomplish. The cited studies are interesting, and I wish there were more research. I think what I wanted was a mire traditional nonfiction piece with more robust research. However, I do recognize that it would resonate much more with teenage me than adult me.

[Athena · Rating 5 out of 5]

The night before my wedding my mother came to me and asked if I had any questions about "making love". I was 25 years old and it was the very first time that she had ever brought up the subject of sex with me. My response was to the effect of, "You're a little late on this one, Mom". Basically any information or ideas that I had developed about sex in my youth were from my friends, movies, the internet, etc., and I'm betting that my experience is not unique, especially within the LDS community. That's why I loved this book so much- it's all the things that I wish I had known about sex way before that awkward conversation with my mom. Its content would have been helpful then and I find much of its information helpful even now as a married, middle-aged mom of four. Sex can be hard, and better understanding the whats, whys, and hows has been a great asset in my marriage and life. I would highly recommend it.

[Kaylee Mason · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a quick and enlightening read. The author was so vulnerable in sharing past experiences—that I definitely related to—and I found myself eager to teach my children about sex in healthy and clear ways.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

LDS girls and women often receive only inadequate, shame-based sex education. They deserve better. Sex Educated by Bonnie Young has the potential to empower LDS teens and women with language and knowledge about their own bodies and sexuality. The book strictly addresses sexuality in the context of (or preparing for) heterosexual marriage. It does not address queer issues, masturbation, or other important topics. But within the scope of the book, Young provides a gentle, welcoming discussion that is greatly needed. I wish I had this book as a teenager.

[Kamian Coppins]

This is a great book for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who have learned shame around sexuality and want to expand their view about how sex fits in with God’s plan for us and our bodies.

[Tanner Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

One important note before the rest of the review: Sex Educated discusses mature themes in the context of religious faith. It is not a how-to manual or a thorough exploration of sexuality. It’s written by a therapist and therefore focuses on those who need help. As it turns out, a lot of people struggle with sex. This is a great read for anyone who has residual concerns, shame, trauma, or questions about how to reconcile their faith and sexuality. It is written with a female audience in mind, but—as Sam says in the introduction—men shouldn’t shy away from reading it.

My wife and I had the pleasure of meeting Bonnie (and Sam) while attending religious services a few years ago. Bonnie’s passion for mature and grounded sex education was influential in our family planning and preparation for future discussions with children. Her book, Sex Educated, continues that trend. I am grateful for writers and educators like Bonnie.

Sex isn’t a topic often treated with the respect and maturity it deserves. It’s more commonly joked about than sincerely discussed. It’s portrayal in film and novels is usually crass and decidedly unsanctimonious (looking at you, George R. R. Martin).

The pendulum swings both ways. For many religious people, sex is something to be suppressed rather than discussed. The word “sex” occupies an unflattering position just below other no-no words. This puritan culture, I assume, is an attempt to swing the pendulum back. Despite its best intentions, however, this purity culture swings the pendulum too far backward. It is just about as harmful to suppress one’s own sexuality as it is to hyper-fixate upon it.

Bonnie’s book finds the happy medium between both extremes. She highlights healthy behaviors and perceptions and drives home the need to see oneself as a child of God and not an ornament of sexual desire. One of the most powerful sentences in this entire—and brief—book drove this home. Men and women are so much more than objects of desire. Sexual relationships are fulfilling when couched in the context of loving, long-term relationships between consenting adults who communicate honestly and robustly with one another.

It’s probably best to read Sex Educated when you have the time and level of maturity to think deeply about what Bonnie writes. I found it to be incredibly valuable and I’m so grateful to have people like Bonnie and Sam in my orbit.

[Elizabeth Abrahamson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend! This is the information that I didn’t know I needed through my teenage and young adult years. I’m happy to have this resource to help me now (even at 34), but especially to help me help my children as they grow older. Sex Educated was an easy, engaging read that was full of love. Some parts had me laughing out loud and others almost had me in tears (happy, feel good tears).

[Jamie Randrianandry · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was such an eye opening book! It is a very easy read.
I learned so much about myself and about my sexuality. I am grateful to the Author who took the time to write this book. I believe it will help many women both young and old understand how positive sex can be for a couple.

[Carly Falco Sagers · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was great and very educational. It was an extremely easy read at only 115 pages with large margins. I have never read a book that was written in the form of letters so that was a new experience. My only thought would be that sometimes I wish she would have given more substance on some of her arguments. I just wanted more so I guess that’s a good thing! It did make me want to read a lot more and educate myself more, so if that was the authors goal she succeeded! I love her book recommendations at the end and am excited to read a lot of them! Worth the read! It took me about 2 days to finish!

RS bookclub book

[Kinsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got this book a couple weeks ago at an info session (for lack of a better term) with the author. Her speech was great. She focused on three main points: sex is good, knowing our bodies, and finding joy and fulfillment in our sexuality. She also had some great insights as to how to handle and manage sexuality - which is an individual characteristic - within a marriage, where spouses are supposed to be one. I bought her book that night. Also, there was a quiz on female anatomy and sex and me and Amberlee and Liv were 3 of the 5 that got 100% on the quiz out of 100 people there!! Amberlee won a prize. I was so proud.

I really didn't like the format she wrote in. She wrote letters to her younger self about sex education and sexuality. I think she did this to show how you can start sex education at any age, which I agree with but I thought that aspect of the book was cheesy and made it a little more awkward (reading it as an adult). But taking out that aspect of it, she had some great info. A lot of basics about anatomy and body parts that I didn't know about, as well as some gospel/religious viewpoints about sex and intimacy being good and godly, instead of shameful and sinful like many think it is.

"Let me share one of my favorite quotes from Parley P. Pratt, one of the first latter-day apostles, to help frame what I believe God thinks of sex.
'Some persons have supposed that our natural affections [i.e., sexual natures] were the results of a fallen and corrupt nature, and that they are 'carnal, sensual, and devilish,' and therefore ought to be resisted, subdued, or overcome as so many evils which prevent our perfection, or progress in the spiritual life. In short, that they should be greatly subdued in this world, and in the world to come entirely done away....so far from this being the case, our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness-they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society-they are the essence of charity, or love'
[So]...let me make a distinction here. Sex itself isn't "carnal, sensual, and devilish." Rather, it's the obsessive fixation on the body as an object. It's the giving of the self without being able to truly give the whole self. It's the selfishness, it's the betrayal, it's the focus on "me" without care or concern for "you." It's the manipulation and power plays....
Godly sex combines our potential for physical pleasure with our natural desire to completely connect with and belong to a committed partner." (pg. 8-9)

"Before Satan introduced his twisted ideas to Eve and Adam in the Garden of Eden, they weren't ashamed of their bodies. It was only Satan who told them to hide themselves. I think in the same way that Satan told lies to our first parents, he tells us lots of lies about our bodies and our sexual natures....When woman and man were created in the garden of Eden, God made sure that we knew that He called them 'good.'" (pg. 25)

Bonnie recommends:
- Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Lori Brotto
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire
- Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Dean Busby, Jason Carroll, and Chelom Leavitt
Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages
- A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex by Jason Carroll, Chelom Leavitt, ....
A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
- Slow Sex by Diana Richardson
Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality
- Intimacy & Desire: Awaken The Passion in Your Relationship by David Schnarch
Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship
- Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
- More Than a Body by Lexie and Lindsay Kite
More Than a Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament
- Replenish: Creating Sexual Fulfillment in Marriage by Tammy Hill
Replenish - Creating Sexual Fulfillment in Marriage; A Guide for LDS couples
- Courses by Carlie Palmer-Webb
https://thechristiansexeducator.com/
- Online courses and podcasts by Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
www.finlayson-fife.com

[Sarah Hancock · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book and think everyone would benefit from reading it! I found it so informative, fun, and healing. I loved the format of letters to different ages/stages of life. It really broke apart the information in a way that was easy to digest and so relatable. I have bought and gifted multiple copies to friends because I think it’s such an important message!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Within 24 hours of getting this in the mail, I sat down and read it in one sitting. SEX EDUCATED fills a vital gap in the conversations many Mormon girls lack when it comes to their bodies. Bonnie Young, a therapist, writes this book as letters to her younger self—an approach that infuses the book with a tender honesty, warmth, humor, and hard-won wisdom. As a reader, I truly FELT the struggles and vulnerability this narrator experienced. But also, a calming clarity from her voice on the other side of the struggles—from her training as a therapist and in the eight years it took her to thoughtfully consider and write this book.

But what Young does exceptionally well is not just give us a warm introduction to the topic—especially given how fraught, squeamish, and (sadly) shame-filled those conversations can be in this context—she is explicit. This is not a wishy-washy, fluffy, “we’ll-use-metaphors-because-we-feel-embarrassed” book. She is direct and kind because she cares. Speaking personally, I can usually sense when I am reading if the book in my hand is one that the author needed to write—a deep-dive of the soul because they truly have something they wanted to say, something they wanted to change. SEX EDUCATED definitely leaves me with that feeling.

I wish I had something like this book when I was growing up. The lessons in here about consent, relationship to food, modesty, objectification, healthy boundaries, anatomy, boys/men being responsible for their own thoughts, and a broader definition of the word “sex” are urgent conversations to have. Young has paved the way forward for many more discussions (and she even includes a list of further readings!). I’m so glad I read this book and highly recommend it for young LDS women navigating their early sexuality with all the questions, whiplash messages, and desire for truly connective sex with their partners.

[Lindsey R.B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very well-thought-out, respectful addressing of female sexuality that will benefit both men and women. It’s definitely catered, as suggested by the subtitle, to an LDS theological framework, but if that aligns with your worldview and values, you will find this very valuable. I appreciated the format and the succinct nature of the writing. I also appreciated how so much of the book was founded in quality research and education.

One of my favorite parts was the conversation around how sexuality inherently is not a sin, but the selfishness or pride that can drive misuse of sexuality is. This was a very helpful and articulate reframe. I also loved her framing of how the Law of Chastity doesn’t end in marriage and how the sexual temperance and discipline you may have strived to practice as a single person will still, in many ways, be required of you in marriage; I hadn’t heard it explained that way, and it seems to enhance the argument of why chastity is such a valued practice across the board.

Finally, I think her acknowledgement of how managing one’s sexuality demands lifelong practice was both validating and encouraging. Her mental frameworks for understanding our sexual journeys as a whole were positive and hopeful. Grateful for the work she’s doing to provide sound sex education, particularly for religious populations!

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a sex education book framed in letters from an LDS sex therapist to her younger selves at various ages. I think it is a good introduction for sex education for LDS women, and a place where they can find some humorous identification with a taboo topic. The theological discussion was a bit lacking for me, relying on a misinterpretation of "multiply and replenish" that I've seen in other places too and on quotes from a few general authorities. But I didn't come to this book for the theology! I came for the professional sex advice! I kinda wanted more details, and I felt like the book ended just as it was getting to the issues I'm most concerned with.

[Leslie Nielsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Twenty year old very mormon me, just about to get married, really could have used this book, so for that it gets five stars.

Thirty-seven year old atheist-mormon me, enjoyed the book for the most part. I found some good relationship advice, thought a lot about how to help kids navigate sex and their bodies, whether they're mormon or not, but I really appreciated the space this book gave me to go back and evaluate what I was taught, it's affects, and be proud of the growth.

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bonnie offers a perfect balance of practical guide and philosophy to intimacy. She throughly and gently guides the reader to a deeper understanding of the higher meaning and real-life experience of sex and maturation. Dispelling dangerous ideas and clarifying important distinctions in religious perspectives and doctrine, Bonnie’s personal letters are the perfect example for instruction, and a great check point to even the most experienced individuals’ attitudes and experience.

[Nichole Graff · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bonnie was in our first ward and I always have & will admire her so much for so many things. Her book was thoughtful, discussion-provoking, and useful. I still felt like I learned and reflected on information even though I'm a married woman with multiple children who got a good sex education growing up. Definitely worth buying & re-reading throughout the phases of life!

[Blaire Watanabe · Rating 5 out of 5]

One thing I liked from Bonnie’s thoughts in this book was the reminder that we need to unlearn what media teaches us about sex. I found this enlightening in many ways. I look forward to teaching my children as they grow the truths she shares. Thank you Bonnie for writing this book 💗

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy reading books. This is the therapist that wrote letters to her self as a younger woman around age 1213. Very well written, very understandable and very clear I would give this to my young daughter if I had a young daughter.

[Amberlee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a fan of Bonnie!! I've heard her speak at a few different events and I really respect her ideas and the way she portrays them. This book aligns with how I would want to teach my children to think about sexuality and the goodness of intimacy. Definitely good, uplifting information.

[Exponent II · Rating 5 out of 5]

LDS girls and women often only receive inadequate, shame-based sex education. They deserve better. Sex Educated by Bonnie Young has the potential to empower LDS teens and women with language and knowledge about their own bodies and sexuality.

[Amber Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the format of this book as letters written to her younger self. This was an amazing short read with a great perspective to help parents and if they choose to give their youth to read to better understand sex and it fights the pervasive world views.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love everything about this book! Everything from the formatting, to the language used, to the topics discussed - it was enlightening. Some ideas were familiar, others were new, and some I just needed another human to say in order for me to accept them. This book is an absolute must read for people ready to confront and learn about what they've been pushing under the covers.

[nicole klossner · Rating 5 out of 5]

it was cutie

[Ben Spendlove · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful for parents looking for good and age-appropriate ways to talk to their kids about sex. It covers ages from 10 up to adulthood and marriage.

[Krista Winward Flinders · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick and simple read I feel will help me help the young women I teach and interract with.

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book!!! Oh, how I wish I had this in my youth!!!! Do yourself a favor and get this book for yourself and your daughters!! Have your husband read it too!

[Elizabeth Pearson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much appreciate books on this topic that I know I can trust and will tie everything back to my beliefs! This was a very quick read and had a lot of great insight. I’m glad I read it.

[Emy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good. Share select chapters with your daughters at different life stages.

[Meredith Gardner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Introspective reflection on sexual development that I will pass on to my daughters.